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Author Topic: Kuglim war song  (Read 1457 times)
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Alysse the Likely
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« on: 11 August 2005, 12:09:00 »

This is a song sung to remember those who have died in battle.  If honouring a specific person, sometimes his name or title may be replace "the Kuglimz" in the second line of each verse, (i.e. "And Mari'ak rides his kev'lor again",) except for the last two verses.


The war cry thunders out across the plain
And the Kuglimz ride the kev'lor again.

The war cry thunders out across the plain,
And the Kuglimz ride the kev'lor again.

Ride the kev'lor, ride the kev'lor
Ride the kev'lor again.

The enemy comes riding out across the plain
And the Kuglimz draw their weapons again.

Draw their weapons, draw their weapons
Draw their weapons again.

The armies meet in war out across the plain
And the Kuglimz fight their battles again.

Fight their battles, fight their battles
Fight their battles again.

The defeated foes flee out across the plain
And the Kuglimz return homewards again.

Return homewards, return homewards
Return homewards again.

And when the Jav’veir * comes out across the plain
The Kuglimz grieve their dead again.

Grieve their dead, grieve their dead
Grieve their dead  again.


* for those who don't know, the Jav'veir is the northern corbie, the Kuglimz "death bird", and it plays a crucial role in their mourning rituals.


Translation by F'ash the Archivist and Alysse the Likely.



Alysse the Likely

Edited by: Artimidor Federkiel at: 8/14/05 10:16
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Alysse the Likely
Bard Judith
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« Reply #1 on: 11 August 2005, 17:26:00 »

Excellent sense of place and philosophy here!  You are building a strong image of the Kuglimz which you can consistently convey in your various pieces from them.



One criticism:  you set up a strong rhythm only to violate it in various places, which creates a 'jarring' effect, like a horse missing its stride.  Of course, if that's what you're seeking, either to accentuate the content or to emphasize that it's a translation, ok...

No matter what you choose to do with that, the last stanza would be stronger for removing 'ones', though.  I think the sudden flat stop there creates an effective accent


"The Kuglimz grieve their dead again,
Grieve their dead - grieve their dead.
They grieve their dead again."


----------------------------------------------------------------

The war cry thunders out across the plain
And the Kuglimz ride the kev'lor again.

The war cry thunders out across the plain,
And the Kuglimz ride the kev'lor again.

Ride the kev'lor, ride the kev'lor
Ride the kev'lor again.

The enemy comes riding out across the plain
And the Kuglimz draw their weapons again.

Draw their weapons, draw their weapons
Draw their weapons again.

The armies meet in war out on the plain
And the Kuglimz fight their battles again.

Fight their battles, fight their battles
Fight their battles again.

The defeated foes flee out across the plain
And the Kuglimz return homewards again.

Return homewards, return homewards
Return homewards again.

And when the Jav’veir * comes out across the plain
The Kuglimz grieve their dead ones again.

Grieve their dead ones, grieve their dead ones
Grieve their dead ones again.

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #2 on: 12 August 2005, 01:57:00 »

Darn, seems I forget sometimes to hit send after looking at the preview, for I did a small comment on this already yesterday!

Like this one:

:number1

For as Judy said already - it fits the Kuglimz! I can see them riding in war over their planes!

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Alysse the Likely
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« Reply #3 on: 12 August 2005, 07:25:00 »

Thank you, Judy and Talia!

I made a couple of small changes.  I agree with you, Bard, about the last stanza.  Somehow there's a more visceral impact to it that way.  I always appreciate your willingness to comment, since you have such a talent for evocative language.

Talia, that was exactly what I was trying to achieve--thank you for letting me know I succeeded.  It's almost impossible to be objective about your own writing, so I can never quite tell if one of my attempts works or not unless someone else describes the response it evoked in them.

Thanks again, to you both,

Alysse the Likely

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Alysse the Likely
Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #4 on: 15 August 2005, 02:21:00 »

Yeah, this poem has a sort of galopping repetitive rhythm making it quite easy to identify it with the Kuglimz! Guess it fits very well to the culture and the makes a very good war song:D  


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