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Author Topic: To the Queen of Day's Wane - finished at last!  (Read 19734 times)
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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« on: 20 August 2005, 02:53:00 »

To the Queen of Day’s Wane- in memory of William Blake

Thou hazy-hairé'd queen of the waning day
Now, whilst the sun rests on the mountains still,
Let leap thy claret flame, let longing spread,
And thus doff thy crown! Range autumnal eyes,
And smile benedictions on the waning day.
Aye, the curts’ying grain hears thy whispered love.
Golden fields are washed in thy rose-tinged wine
Oh sunset’s queen, bride of the star-sparked night.
Ring melancholy chimes in scattered isles,
And let thy west wind caress eastern lakes!

Withdraw now, let the mellow silence fall
Ingather thy amber skirts, flee into the night!




This poem owes its birth to our dear masterbard Judith (despite her lousy attempts at being unduly modest ;P ).

Edited by: Artimidor Federkiel at: 1/22/06 11:25
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Bard Judith
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« Reply #1 on: 20 August 2005, 18:39:00 »

It's always an unpleasant task to 'comment' on poetry, as it's so subjective - analysis, like dissecting a butterfly, destroys its mystique.  But of course, good poetry, like a well-designed insect, should have structure, technique, and effort behind its effortlessness - so it is that skeleton I'll attempt to lay bare, with apologies for neglecting the delicate 'impression' for now.  

I trust you'll take the dissection in good spirit and not allow it to dampen your inspiration, if I may mix that metaphor?



Your lines in regular colour, my suggestions/comments in yellow...


To the Queen of Day’s Wane- in memory of William Blake
(Blake was noted for his esoteric and mystical poetry, so it would seem churlish of me to note that the overall feel of this piece is similarly esoteric, even affected... but one can inadvertently create pastiche by too closely following a specific style, as every decorator knows...)

Thou dark-hair’d queen of the waning day/day's last wane/day's waning

Thou soft-hair'd dusky queen of waning day,
('dark' foreshadows night rather than the 'light' images you use in the next lines - 'dusky' could convey this ambiguity instead, and adds the extra iamb - though it could also be redundant..)


Now, whilst the sun rests on the mountains still,

Pull thy torch, spread thy orange-red flame

('pull' is a crude word which doesn't work well with 'torch'.  'torch' itself as a metaphor for sunset is cliche - you could make it work, but you'd need more space.  'Leap' changes the feel, so it's only one of many possibilities for an alternate verb.)

Trim all the wicks, let leap thy crimson flame


Thy crown, thy crown put on! Thy autumn eyes

(would she not rather be setting the brightness of her crown aside, as the night comes upon her?)

And doff thy crown!  Range round, autumnal eyes,


Light upon the waning day, ‘pon the waning day

And smile benedictions on the waning day.

(I don't personally care for the technique of repetition - should be limited for impact - though I know Blake favoured it.  But  two different versions of the same verb in one line should be avoided - very awkward!)


Smile. To the curts’ying grain smile thy whisperèd loves.

Aye, smile thy whispered love to bowing grains,

(Here you've had to tuck in a syllable with an apostrophe, then add one with an accent mark - not good form!  You can get away with one but not both... :P  However, I like the image, so I've tried to keep it intact...)


Golden a field wash o’er in Her rosè tinged wine

And rosy-wash each field with golden wine.

(I don't care for my line much as a poetic unity, but yours is grammatically strange and changes from direct address to third-person for some reason.  Needs rework...)


Queen of the Setting Sun, Bride of the Sparkled Night,

Sunset's queen, bride of the star-sparked night,

(Just a fix for the meter.  Also more subtle without the capitals, and uses a classic alliterative pattern.)


Scatter thy melancholy bells, do,

Ring melancholy bells in scattered *

(* a plural noun which expresses the feeling you want to convey - say, 'isles', to parallel the next line)


And let thy west wind rest on eastly lake!

(Wind cannot, by its nature, 'rest'.  Also, the internal rhyme gives an unintended comic effect.  'eastly' is not a word.)

And let thy west wind caress eastern lakes.


Speak soft silence with ‘Ohs!’ thou withdraw

(This line is just a bit too 'dense' for me - either that, or I'm too dense for it.  However, you must be very confident and comfortable in poetic rules before you break them as generously as Blake and Hopkins did.  I don't think the violation of grammar or the contradiction in terms work here - sorry!  A couple of suggestions are given below which keep the 'conceit' of the poem going and try to carry forwards your feminine image...)

Ah, thou withdrawest, mistress set'o'sun -

Withdraw now, let the silence fall:

Sweet lady, take thy leave of us in silence sweet,



Thy gowns gather ‘round, fleeth to the night!

(Inconsistent verb use here, awkward meter...)

Thy amber gown clutch round and flee to night!
Thy gown clutch round, and flee to night's embrace!
Ingather all thy skirts, and flee into night's arms!

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
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« Reply #2 on: 20 August 2005, 18:47:00 »

On reading the critique over, I find it difficult to pick out the 'revised' lines, so here they are simply on their own so that you can compare the two 'versions'...  

Obviously the 'revised' lines do not make up an effective poem of their own - which only stands as a clear testimony to the difficulty of 'editing' poetry.   Sure, it flows, but that doesn't make it a poetic construction, far less a poem...

However, I know I can trust you to read each line and each suggestion on its own and then create what needs to be created or repair what needs to be repaired to form a new thing of beauty original to your vision, rather than simply nodding and slapping up the 'revision', Coren!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thou soft-hair'd dusky queen of waning day,
Now, whilst the sun rests on the mountains still,
Trim all the wicks, let leap thy crimson flame,
And doff thy crown!  Range round, autumnal eyes,
And smile benedictions on the waning day.
Aye, smile thy whispered love to bowing grains,
And rosy-wash each field with golden wine.
Sunset's queen, bride of the star-sparked night,
Ring melancholy bells in scattered isles,
And let thy west wind caress the eastern lakes.

Sweet lady, take thy leave of us as silence falls,
Ingather all thy skirts, and flee into night's arms!




regards,
Judith

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #3 on: 22 August 2005, 12:07:00 »

I cannot thank you for your effort enough Judith! This is the first time I recieve such detailed, teaching-critique on poetry. No, that's not right: I was fortunate to have Rayne's on my other poem.

Although the inability to create marvels at first try does dampen my morale terribly (at least for the first hours before I can exhaust them out through sports), I strive to take all my critiques in an open, cheerful spirit - though only you, my fellow Dreamers, can be a judge of how much I succeed in that.

Thank you Judith again for this thorough, thoughtful analysis. I have not abandoned the poem, don't worry :)  I need some time to digest all your comments and contemplate on several  stylistic issues before I can return to the poem to make changes.  

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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Bard Judith
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« Reply #4 on: 22 August 2005, 22:08:00 »

Any time, Coren - and I do not mean that insincerely.  If this is a 'first effort', I should be honoured to assist in midwifing other such promising births.  :kiss  

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #5 on: 18 September 2005, 03:05:00 »

Make sure to update and thus finish stuff, Coren, if you got very detailed comments - otherwise such a post will just drown in the Forum depths, be forgotten and never get on the site.


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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #6 on: 28 September 2005, 05:49:00 »

I haven't forgotten about this. Just very busy at the moment. Please give me some time to clear RL up a bit :)  

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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #7 on: 02 October 2005, 12:23:00 »

Just one quick question: Do I really have to convert all the lines to iambic pentameter? Can't I retain my meter pattern?

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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
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« Reply #8 on: 18 January 2006, 05:32:00 »

This is really finished, right? Judy? Last question?

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #9 on: 18 January 2006, 08:48:00 »

:o

Nope, sorry. I am *still* working on it... I guess this is what they call a work you take to your grave

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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
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« Reply #10 on: 18 January 2006, 10:47:00 »

Oh no! It doesn't have to be perfect, that is reserved to the gods (quote don't know who)

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #11 on: 18 January 2006, 16:32:00 »

I think I've finished. Though the longer I look at the poem the more unsatisfied I get...

Just tell me which of the alternatives you like (marked with / s and () )

Also which of the following:

Withdraw now, let the silence mellow and fall,
Withdraw now, let the silence mellow and spread,

Withdraw now, let the silent dirge mellow and fall,
Withdraw now, let the silent dirge mellow and spread,

Logged

"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Bard Judith
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« Reply #12 on: 19 January 2006, 01:04:00 »

Nonsense, Coren,  *I* didn't birth this pieceI only midwifed it through its labour pangs! (she says briskly, with a grin)   Be content, it's a lovely baby, and it's got all its fingers and toes in the right place...  

Final comments:

Thou hazy-haired (hyphenate.  Also, can you make this haire'd, with an accent over the e?)  queen of the waning day
Now, whilst the sun rests on the mountains still,
Let leap thy claret flame, let longing spread,
And thus, doff thy crown ! (more euphonious, avoids two 'd's right next to each other when spoken - also more dramatic).   Range autumnal eyes,
And smile benedictions on the waning day
Aye, the curts’ying grain hears thy whispered love.
Golden fields are washed in thy rose-tinged (hyphen again)  wine
Oh sunset’s queen, bride of the star-sparked night.
Ring melancholy chimes in scattered isles,
And let thy west wind caress eastern lakes!

Withdraw now, let the mellow silence fall (I'd phrase it this way for the pentameter... and feel the smoothness on the tongue!)
Ingather thy amber skirts, flee into the night!

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"Give me a land of boughs in leaf /  a land of trees that stand; / where trees are fallen there is grief; /  I love no leafless land."   --A.E. Housman
 
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #13 on: 20 January 2006, 08:17:00 »

Thanks Judith!

Quote:
Withdraw now, let the mellow silence fall (I'd phrase it this way for the pentameter... and feel the smoothness on the tongue!)


LOL! Actually that was the original plan - then I thought there must be a reason you separated the last two lines and made them 12 syllables. Hmm... does this mean the last line also has to be 'reduced'?

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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
Coren FrozenZephyr
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« Reply #14 on: 20 January 2006, 08:24:00 »

:eek  NOooo! Can't let it stay at 13 posts! Last time this happened we had the ezboard crash :crazy  

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"Everything should be as simple as possible and not simpler." Albert Einstein

"Is he allowed to do that?"
"I think that comes under the rule of Quia Ego Sic Dico."
"Yes, what does that mean?"
"'Because I say so', I think."
"That doesn't sound like much of a rule!"
"Actually, it's the only one he needs." (Making Money by Terry Pratchett)
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