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Author Topic: The Harlequin Lover  (Read 5028 times)
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Thuja
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« Reply #15 on: 17 February 2006, 19:52:00 »

I am late in getting to read this fairy tale, but then I got to read it with all the corrections.  :D   I really liked the story as a whole.  The tone was well set and I liked how you humanized Master Tribell.  It gave the feeling that he knows how to collect stories and has an inate understanding for them.


As for the story :clap :clap   I enjoyed reading it and will definately look for other tales you have and will write.


In this life the old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, and the young know everything. —Anonymous

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #16 on: 18 February 2006, 03:49:00 »

No, Elen, keep it! There are more words in it not everybody knows at the first glance - give us lesser educated readers a chance to get a word to know Judy didn't know!

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Elendilwyn
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« Reply #17 on: 18 February 2006, 14:26:00 »

Art, I have edited the piece but I am not sure if you have to run it through again to do a last check for any mistakes.

Thanks Thuja for reading... :broadgrin  I'm very pleased you like it.

Bard Judith, thank you so so much for doing such a thorough read of the piece. I have taken most of your suggestions though not always wholesale, I changed what was problematic and I added something else. However, there were a few things I left as it is.

For the line I do not care for the clothes, but the face, oh the face… that which has haunted me on many a waking nights, something that I believe I will not easily forget, I have deliberately left it in present tense because it was meant to be a fracture from a narrative in past tense. It is an articulated thought of the persona and thoughts are usually current, or at least I wanted it to appear so, so that the story becomes more human and more personal.

Also, the "nostalgic countenance" I did not want to change because it was not an expression of countenance that was reflected on the face as much as it was a whole expression of the body. Countenance as in a bodily expression like " her behaviour reflected a countenance of humility".

Lastly, I intended the villages to bade him "well" instead of "fare-well" largely because I was thinking along the lines of they wished him well for the journey he was about to take.

I guess those are the only bits I wanted to leave as it is. For most of the others, I took your suggestions--some wholesale, some reworked.

Talia... I guess I will keep using words like "liminal" not deliberately but more out of habit. I didn't even know it was an arcane word. I guess I took such words for granted.  

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #18 on: 19 February 2006, 03:49:00 »

Guess the only thing still need here is some sort of teaser...


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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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« Reply #19 on: 19 February 2006, 04:16:00 »

Some stories go and some will stay but the harlequin lover dances today. Painted faces and coloured frills, what lies behind few ever knew. Among the moves his story beckons, sit awhile and learn to listen. Seek your love and love will follow, haunting you like a phantom’s shadow. Find the one who is the other and outside here you’ll cease to wander.  

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Artimidor Federkiel
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« Reply #20 on: 19 February 2006, 04:21:00 »

Perfect! Many thanx! :thumbup  


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"Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator, and this must be the heart." -- Maria (Metropolis)
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