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Author Topic: Winter  (Read 5018 times)
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ishmaelion
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« on: 18 January 2006, 11:07:00 »

Commentary: this poem was first recited among the Ice tribes of northern Sarvonia during the end of the War of the Chosen. In this war many died, and indeed, even more saw their friends end up as a twisted experiment of the mages' power. This caused much sorrow amongst the Ice tribes and thus it was that when their annual Chelarinn ceremony is hold, one of the tribe recites the poem and then the tribe shouts cries of anguish to remember the injustice that was done upon them. This is one of the few moments when they express any emotion, and to behold it is a sight which lasts forever. Who made this poem is unknown, but many speculate, that since there has never been record of famous Ice tribe poets, this poem might have been made by a traveling artist, who found his way into the Ice tribes existence.

Winter

The snow cleared up and the sign is written,
In winter's twilight the world looks red
The light given to rest and the night still smitten.
The ice reflecting the murderous bet
of men who strive,
To end each other's life.

The snow falls again from the clear broken sky,
The world turning white and the scars fading away.
Now only memory survives, memory of that great Lie,
The Lie which destroyed all that was made.
But that too fades,
Leaving only the shades.

The water lies broken in pieces of transparency,
And even the shades disappear into nothingness.
The world seeming still and so full of vacancy,
Not even a hint of the past and lingering sadness.
It is all unreal,
Behind an icy seal.  

Ishmaelion

Edited by: Artimidor Federkiel at: 2/19/06 8:49
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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #1 on: 18 January 2006, 13:37:00 »

And you think you have problems with expressing yourself in English? I wouldn't be able to make such a poem even in Dutch...

One thing though:

The Lie which destroyed all which was made > those two 'which'es, are they really necessary for the poem? If not, I would make one of them 'that', so you don't have the same word twice in one sentence.
So either 'The Lie that destroyed all which was made'
or 'The Lie which destroyed all that was made' (personally I prefer the second, but that's just my opinion)

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Irid al'Menie
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« Reply #2 on: 18 January 2006, 13:08:00 »

If I find where to I saved my comment before I had to go to eat, I'll post it ;)  
Edit:
Found it!

******

Hey, great!

As it is your first poem I dare to comment as well ;)


Winter

The snow cleared up and the sign is written,
In this twilight the world looks red
The light given to rest and the night still smitten.
The ice reflecting the murderous bet
of mad men who pillage and strive,
To end each others live.

The snow falls again from the sky,
The world turns white and the scars begin() to fade.
Now only memory survives, memory of that great Lie,
The Lie which destroyed all which was made.
But that too fades,
Leaving only () shades.

Ice breaks the water into pieces of transparency,
And even the shades disappear into nothingness.
The world seeming still and full of vacancy,
Not even a hint of the past sadness.
It is all unreal,
Behind an icy seal.

The rhyme is different in stanza 1 and 2, I just changed the lines around
somehow I thought this mad didn‘t fit well, what do you think now? Does it still mean what you intented?

The second stanza - just a feeling, no idea, if I‘m right!

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Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 1/17/06 20:17
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ishmaelion
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« Reply #3 on: 18 January 2006, 15:08:00 »

Thanks for all the comments, I started working right away;)  

@Irid, I totally agree with you about the two "which", the second one is changed into "that" because it indeed sounds better.

@Talia, I hadn't noticed the difference in Rhymes, I penned down this story in a stroke. I see how changing the lines increases the effect of the poem. The changes you made in the first stanza were great, they kept my intention, and didn't change that much. Thanks for that. "mad" was actually only a way to make the lines rhyme, and placing it somewhere else indeed softens the intention given to it.
The second stanza with the continues verbs is intentional, the second line: "Now only memory survives, memory of that great Lie" I feel is empaphized by the verbs in the line before. They signal closure, which appears in the next line.
I kept "the shades" as it sounds more in rythm than without. and it flows more into "the shades" which I mention later.

Once again, thanks for the comments, hope more wil come;)  

Ishmaelion

Edited by: ishmaelion  at: 1/17/06 22:10
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Gean Firefeet
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« Reply #4 on: 18 January 2006, 16:29:00 »

This is turning into a gathering of the Dutch-speaking Santharians, we only have to call Lamertu and we're complete.

Ishmaelion, I think it's great, but I think the length of your lines differs too much. I haven't thought out completely what I should do, but I'll post a rewrite below and try to show you what I mean. But first, I'll post the poem with comments.

Winter

The snow cleared up and the sign is written, focus on snow/up and sign/written >>> great!
In this twilight the world looks red now we focus on this/-light and world/red >>> first one sounds wrong
The light given to rest and the night still smitten.
The ice reflecting the murderous bet
of men who pillage and strive, >>> too lengthy compared to other verses, or the others are too short :-)
To end each others live.

The snow falls again from the sky, >> too short compared to first verse
The world turning white and the scars beginning to fade.
Now only memory survives, memory of that great Lie,
The Lie which destroyed all that was made.
But that too fades,
Leaving only the shades.

Ice breaks the water into pieces of transparency, >> you start using 'difficult' words, compared to other verses
And even the shades disappear into nothingness.
The world seeming still and full of vacancy,
Not even a hint of the past sadness.
It is all unreal,
Behind an icy seal.


Now the rewrite, I'm just showing what I might do, not nearly to my satisfaction; in no way you should be guided them, just watch and see what it does to you.

Winter

The snow cleared up and the sign is written,
In quiet twilight the world looks red
The light laid to rest and the night still smitten.
The ice reflecting the murderous bet
of men who () strive,
To end each others life.

Slowly the snow starts to fall from the sky,
All the lands now turn ()white and the scars quickly fade.
() Just the memory survives, a memory of that great Lie,
The Lie which destroyed nearly all that was made.
But that too fades,
Leaving only the shades.

Ice breaks the water into pieces of transparency,
And even the shades disappear into nothingness.
The world so still, () seeming full of vacancy,
Not even a hint of the past full of sadness.
It feels all unreal,
Behind this icy seal.

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Edited by: Gean Firefeet  at: 1/17/06 23:31
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« Reply #5 on: 19 January 2006, 12:08:00 »

Gean, I see your point, and I have tried to edit the poem, I will post it here, so people can compare it to my first version. I changed some sentences so the rythm would match better:thumbup   EDIT: dankje, Irid;)  

Winter

The snow cleared up and the sign is written,
In winter's twilight the world looks red
The light given to rest and the night still smitten.
The ice reflecting the murderous bet
of men who strive,
To end each other's life.

The snow falls again from the clear broken sky,
The world turning white and the scars fading away.
Now only memory survives, memory of that great Lie,
The Lie which destroyed all that was made.
But that too fades,
Leaving only the shades.

The water lies broken in pieces of transparency,
And even the shades disappear into nothingness.
The world seeming still and so full of vacancy,
Not even a hint of the past and lingering sadness.
It is all unreal,
Behind an icy seal.

Ishmaelion

Edited by: ishmaelion  at: 1/18/06 19:18
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« Reply #6 on: 19 January 2006, 13:12:00 »

Nothing to add, really, except that you forgot the... eh... 'afkappingstekens' for two genitives. (apostrophes?)

In winters twilight the world looks red > In winter's twilight (suggestion: In wintery twilight. Ignore if not appropriate *grins*)

and:

To end each others live > each other's life (still with an f, not a v. Life= het leven, live: leven (het werkwoord))

Groetjes, Irid

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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #7 on: 19 January 2006, 13:17:00 »

(uhm, ps: that was me, I forgot to switch accounts *grins*)

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Irid al'Menie
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« Reply #8 on: 19 January 2006, 12:19:00 »

Top Irid, oh, and people, I appreciate all such grammatical comments very much, as I am not al that good in english, so if you see an error, do not desist in pointing it out to me!:thumbup  

Ishmaelion

Edited by: ishmaelion  at: 1/18/06 19:20
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« Reply #9 on: 19 January 2006, 22:35:00 »

Hey!  Ik kaan een kleine beitje hollanse spreken.... mind you, my spelling is atrocious... maar asjeblief, count me among the Dutch-speakers if only as an honorary member! :lol

Oh, wait - we're supposed to be in here to comment on and compliment Ish's poem!  (sits down guiltily)


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Irid alMenie
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« Reply #10 on: 20 January 2006, 03:23:00 »

We will count you among the dutch speakers, Judith :D  

(I already commented on and complimented Ish's poem, so no need to feel guilty, methinks :evil )

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« Reply #11 on: 20 January 2006, 06:18:00 »

yeah, you're in Judith;)

and by the way, I wrote the poem, so I also do not have to feel guilty:pet  

Ishmaelion

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« Reply #12 on: 21 January 2006, 11:03:00 »

Gean, is the rhymescheme better now? Or are there still some incongruenties?

Ishmaelion

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Gean Firefeet
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« Reply #13 on: 21 January 2006, 18:24:00 »

Yup, muchos better I think.

I'd still take a look at these two lines:
2nd verse, third line:
Now only memory survives, memory of that great Lie,
Memory is your key word here. But because of syllable placement, neither of the two is stressed. The first is placed too far from the beginning, resulting in only being stressed, the second one too early, though possible, I'd just have to put a pause here while reciting it.

Take a look at one of your other verses, same line:
The world seeming still and so full of vacancy,
This stresses exactly all the words you want stressed. I'm sure you can find a better alternative than the way I corrected it the first time, but I hope you consider a change here.

3rd versie, 4th line
Not even a hint of the past and lingering sadness.

There's one syllable too much in the second part of the sentence, which can be solved by either reading over it very quickly, or simply exchanging 'and' for ',' ;)

See what you think of it...

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« Reply #14 on: 24 January 2006, 03:10:00 »

@Gean, I editted the poem, trying to cope with the comments you gave, sheesh, it is hard to change a poem wich has sprung from your mind, but, I think I managed it;)  I editted the memory sentence, hopelijk the first memory is stressed now, and yeah, I like a pause there at the comma. The part about vacansy was already on my mind as being unfit, also qua tone. I hope this version strikes the tone better, because I really like the beginning: "the world seeming still" but I could also change it in "the world seems still" if it fits the scheme better:rolleyes  I followed your advise and placed a "," instead of "and":thumbup  

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