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Author Topic: The Three Tribes (Re-writing)  (Read 5046 times)
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Kareesh Valendar
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« on: 08 March 2006, 17:19:00 »

Listen, my child, to the tale that I tell. It is about our ancesters. The ones who gave us this land. Of the three tribes that we are today.

Once upon a time, there were three creatures that crossed the sea; a wolf, an eagle, and a bear. The Wolf was known for his leadership among his peers. He was very loyal to his friends. His mind was viligant and always sharp. The Wolf used his mind for other purposes. He was always inventing things. He was also always the first to invite a stranger inside his hut for a drink of tea and something to eat. The Bear was different from the other three, in the way that he preferred to work alone. He was always carried himself in a way that said he was full of confidence.

They decided to cross the sea because the creatures of the land persecuted them because they believed that if the elves, humans, orcs, and other races could choose how they lived, then surely they could. Because of this,after they had a kill, they asked for forgiveness of the animal for killing it to survive. But, sadly for them, the other creatures of the land didn't agree and thus hunted them.

There were others that agreed with what the trio said and followed them.The three leaders decided that, to save their way of living and their followers, they must leave their homeland. So, within a few days, they acquired a ship and supplies and left across the seas. For over a year they sailed the high seas. The three were worried for their food had run out, and they were no where near finding land. Three weeks after their food had run out, they spotted land. When they landed, they found food and water, plenty.

They stayed there for a few days before curiosity got the better of them. They decided to explore their surroundings to see what sort of land they had found. Soon they found a river and followed it north. After following this for a ways, they discovered that it split.

"We should stay here," said the Wolf to the others. "It has everything that we're looking for. Here is a river where we can get water, and look. There is a nice hillside that we can build our homes on."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea, brother Wolf," said the Eagle. "The hill will also be good that we can see all around us. What do you think, Bear?"

"Sounds like a good plan to me. What are we waiting for?" Replied the Bear.

So, they started to build their home upon the hill. They found mates, and within a few years they had established a very thriving community.

After the community had gotten quite large, the three creatures had decided that now they must go their own ways. They had a small meeting, just between the three original creatures, to decide what the future of the community. The Wolf said that he would take his people to the North. The Bear said that his people would go northeast all the way to the south at the mountains.

"Then," said the Eagle "I guess I'll take the South lands."

The very next day, they split company and went their seperate ways. Even though they were very far apart, they always came to the aid of their brethern when their was trouble.

So, my child, that is the story of our ancestors. The Wolf stands for Talgor, the eldest of the three and the leader of the Wolf Clan. The Bear is for Bealgor, the leader of the Bear Cland. Finally, the Eagle is for the Ealgor, the leader of the Eagle Tribe.

We don't know if the Bear, the Wolf and the Eagle we've heard of still are out there somewhere, in the North, the East and the South, but we know that the people, who followed them still are. And as long as these people live in these lands, the spirits of the Bear, the Wolf and the Eagle are within them. Yes, dear children, and they are also with you.

Shall I end this haunting nightmare for you?

Visit the world of Ardua

Edited by: Kareesh Valendar at: 7/6/06 0:52
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #1 on: 09 March 2006, 03:50:00 »

These are the three animals of the Eyelian tribe - which is said came over the sea - any coincidence?

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #2 on: 09 March 2006, 17:02:00 »

Yeah. This is a story told to younger children of the Eyelian tribe to explain, more or less, the heritage and differences of the tribes.  

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #3 on: 09 March 2006, 17:14:00 »

Yes, please :)  

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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« Reply #4 on: 10 March 2006, 04:44:00 »

Karesh, that is nicely written!

However, I just looked at the Eyelian men entry, and I don't see, how this would fit to their belief. There is allfather and all mother who gave their people the "Three spirits" - so how goes this together with them coming over the sea, for they are thrown out for their believes? How would this cause (the non-meat -eating) have for consequences? this would fit, if the Eyelians would eat no meat - but they do. A myth about these "spirits" would be nice , but so far it doesn't fit to what we have.. maybe you get some ideas to adjust it?

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #5 on: 10 March 2006, 12:15:00 »

Well, I was taking the stand point of the three creatures to represent the three brothers of the Eyelians who came with their followers. As for the meat-eating thing, since all of the animals of the clans are meat-eaters, I just figured that the reason for them being persecuted for not eating meat because they believe in the rights of all animals would be good. That's just how I was thinking when I wrote it. It's more of an explanation of their clans rather then their religion. Thanks for the input.

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« Reply #6 on: 19 March 2006, 18:48:00 »

Sorry Kareesh - I didn't think that I would spend my saturday night evening on my sofa sleeping..hope to get to you tomorrow again..

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #7 on: 22 March 2006, 06:42:00 »

I read meanwhile over the Eyelian entry.  What you have is a nice expansion on that. There is only one thing which doesn't work: Your reason: that they don't want to eat meat.
„because they refused to eat meat, like others of their kind, saying that all animals had a right to live.“ This is not true to the Eyelian tribe entry.  

The Eyelians do eat meat as the three animals are predator in their natural environment. So this just doesn‘t work and I strongly recommend to avoid it. You need to have some other reasons. Let us go back to what might have caused the flight of the Eyelian ancestors over the sea, for it is not much:

„ The people were a persecuted folk in their lands because of their animal beliefs and lifestyle“

What does that mean? That  they had already their belief :

„The Eyelians came from the west with their belief of Father Sky and Mother Earth, who have created the "Great Spirits".“
obviously in contradiction to the established and major religion , from which we know nothing, but which persecuted them. They were not allowed to follow their belief.

To keep their belief, they had to flee.

THIS you need to mirror in the initial parts of your story .
You could expand a bit describing how the pre-Eyelians treated the animals they hunted. They are build to a great deal after the North American Indians, so you might take as well ideas from them: That they do kill and eat animals, but honour the killed animal with apologies after the kill and with using ALL parts of the beast.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #8 on: 22 March 2006, 11:49:00 »

Thanks for your input, Talia, but I would like to keep it the way it is, and here are my reasons as to why:

This is not a literal history story. I wrote it as a way to explain to young Eyelian children, the differences between the different tribe. Because of that, I was using a literal Wolf, Bear, and Eagle.

But, now as I think about it, I can see your confusion because of the part that I put in there about actually naming the creatures.

Also, this entry/story has nothing to do with what they believe spiritually. As I've mentioned before, it's just a story. Kinda like a fable, in a way. I don't really know what to call it.

Thanks again for reading and giving me your comments. I hope this cleared things up a bit. If at all possible, I would like to keep it the way it is, but if not, I'll change it.

Shall I end this haunting nightmare for you?

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #9 on: 22 March 2006, 12:00:00 »

Kareesh, you have to stay true to what the tribe is, and the not-eating -meat thing just doesn't fit to the Eyelians - they would not have this idea, not in their normal life, nor in their fables. You are not free to write whatever you want to, it has to fit to the entire context - and I think this is not the case. I'm not sure, if the "not-eating-meat" is an idea which was known in the middle ages at all, except perhaps from very few individuals.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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« Reply #10 on: 22 March 2006, 12:48:00 »

"Not-eating-meat" in the middle ages and before came into play only in the tenets of some religions > Hinduism being the first example I know of

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« Reply #11 on: 22 March 2006, 16:23:00 »

I finally got around to read the text as well. I see the meat-eating thingy seems to have been removed now, which is ok methinks, because it leads away too much from the main theme of this fable and is somewhat problematic, I think Talia has a point here.

The story itself I like in general, it's a fresh approach - especially when told to Eyelian children to explain their history in compressed, easy accessible and entertaining form. A few things should be adjusted perhaps a bit from my point of view. For example:

- "...because they believed in the rights of all animals..." This sounds a bit too much like 20/21st century animal rights groups, where people want to find a law basis for animals. So I would formulate that in a slightly different way, e.g. "they believed that if men, elves, orcs and dwarves could choose their space and way of living, so could they. Alas, the races proved stronger and hunted them" etc. Something in this direction, which doesn't remind too much of lawyers;)

- The second thing is how you mention the "people" following the three animals. This isn't entirely clear. For example further down you write "The Wolf said that he would take his people to the North", but you don't write much about people following the beasts at the beginning. Maybe you could explain that a bit better: That there were people, who appreciated the Bear, the Wolf and the Eagle and who followed their ways and who didn't approve of the other people, who hunted and killed them and wanted to drive them away from their territory. And so they sailed with them etc. - I guess making this explicit wouldn't hurt:)

- In the end you could try to make a connection to the spirits of these three animals in writing something along the line: "We don't know if the Bear, the Wolf and the Eagle we've heard of still are out there somewhere, in the North, the East and the South, but we know that the people, who followed them still are. And as long as these people live in these lands, the spirits of the Bear, the Wolf and the Eagle are within them. Yes, dear children, and they are also with you." - How about that?


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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #12 on: 22 March 2006, 18:27:00 »

Ok. I did all the changes. Now, imho, it's completed.

Whatcha'll think?

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #13 on: 23 March 2006, 02:31:00 »

Not yet, now comes the uricheck!  :)  

Comments

Proposals


Listen, my child, to the tale that I tell. It is about our ancesters. The ones who gave us this land. Of the three tribes that we are today.

For me it is a bit unclear, to where the last sentence refers, to the first? Maybe rearrange the parts or connect them better?
Listen, my child, to the tale that I tell. It is about our ancesters, about the ones who gave us this land and of the three tribes that we are today.

Once upon a time, there were three creatures that crossed the sea; a wolf, an eagle, and a bear. The Wolf was known for his leadership among his peers. He was very loyal to his friends. His mind was viligant and always sharp. The Wolf used his mind for other purposes. He was always inventing things. He was also always the first to invite a stranger inside his hut for a drink of tea and something to eat. The Bear was different from the other three, in the way that he preferred to work alone. He was always carried himself in a way that said he was full of confidence.
I‘m no native speaker, but this sentence sounds very arkward to me

Which sea? There are many. Maybe: the vast sea in the west (I didn‘t find a name), or ..
Once upon a time, there were three creatures that crossed the sea; they came from distant lands where the Injera dives in the void and .... add anything you seem fit..


They decided to cross the sea because the creatures of the land persecuted them because they believed that if the elves, humans, orcs, and other races could choose how they lived, then surely they could. Because of this,after they had a kill, they asked for forgiveness of the animal for killing it to survive. But, sadly for them, the other creatures of the land didn't agree and thus hunted them.
You are expecting too much form the reader to know already, for a tale you are too short, you need more to narrate..
First you have to say, what they belief in and what makes them different from the others. Now you are only stating , that they claimed, that they wanted to live like the rest or claimed their right to do so, but this is not the case - they were different! Paint this difference with more than just two sentences.
My proposal with asking an animal for forgiveness is a bit out of place here as well, it comes to suddenly, you need to explain a lot more!  


There were others that agreed with what the trio said and followed them.

That sounds a bit, like they only followed these three because they had some nice ideas - they were an established group already which had suffered already together!

The three leaders decided that, to save their way of living and their followers, they must leave their homeland. So, within a few days, they acquired a ship and supplies and left across the seas. For over a year they sailed the high seas. The three were worried for their food had run out, and they were no where near finding land. Three weeks after their food had run out, they spotted land. When they landed, they found food and water, plenty.
Too many repetitions land, land land, ‚food ran out‘ use some other words, make it more poetically! Proposal,  - find something similar

The three were worried for their food had run out, and they were no where near finding land. Three weeks after they had eaten their last meal they spotted a shore in the distant mist. When they debarked, they found food and water, plenty.


They stayed there for a few days before curiosity got the better of them. They decided to explore their surroundings to see what sort of land they had found. Soon they found a river and followed it north. After following this for a ways, they discovered that it split.
Repetition again: they stayed, they decided , followed north ..after following

"We should stay here," said the Wolf to the others. "It has everything that we're looking for. Here is a river where we can get water, and look: (colon)There is a nice hillside that we can build our homes on."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea, brother Wolf," said the Eagle. "The hill will also be good that we can see all around us. What do you think, Bear?"
What „all“?

"Sounds like a good plan to me. What are we waiting for?" replied the Bear.

So, they started to build their home upon the hill. They found mates, and within a few years they had established a very thriving community.

After pondering for a while - I don‘t think, that this fits: finding mates. You mix now the story of the spirits who guided them up with the three original leaders, which are known! How can a spirit guide mate? Maybe you establish a relation between these spritis  and the three leaders, that each of these three choose one of the three brothers to lead their respective group. But take into consideration, that there was already one leader when they landed!

After the community had gotten quite large, the three creatures had decided that now they must go their own ways. They had a small meeting, just between the three original creatures, to decide what the future of the community. The Wolf said that he would take his people to the North. The Bear said that his people would go northeast all the way to the south at the mountains.
See above, there are already old .stories about this time which you may not neclect, but need to integrate somehow.

"Then," said the Eagle "I guess I'll take the South lands."

The very next day, they split company and went their seperate ways. Even though they were very far apart, they always came to the aid of their brethern when their was trouble.

So, my child, that is the story of our ancestors. The Wolf stands for Talgor, the eldest of the three and the leader of the Wolf Clan. The Bear is for Bealgor, the leader of the Bear Cland. Finally, the Eagle is for the Ealgor, the leader of the Eagle Tribe.

What do you mean with „stands for“?

We don't know if the Bear, the Wolf and the Eagle we've heard of still are out there somewhere, in the North, the East and the South, but we know that the people, who followed them still are. And as long as these people live in these lands, the spirits of the Bear, the Wolf and the Eagle are within them. Yes, dear children, and they are also with you.



That would be a nice finishing sentence, but: They do belief in the spritis, so they need to be still there.... so a „we don‘t know..“ is contradictory what most still belief.  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #14 on: 27 March 2006, 15:34:00 »

Nuuuu! Not the Uri check! Just kidding. ;)

I'll start working on these changes. Right now my internet downstairs hates me, so it may be slow. Ah well. So....many....changes.....

Shall I end this haunting nightmare for you?

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