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Author Topic: The Three Tribes (Re-writing)  (Read 4838 times)
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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #15 on: 09 April 2006, 23:23:00 »

Ok, I am completly stuck on this story. The only part that I'm stuck on is the beliefs. I don't really know what I should put there. Should I stick with the actual history, or do something that goes more with the creatures that are represented.

I was working on this today and I could not come up with anything. ><

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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #16 on: 04 July 2006, 22:12:00 »

Ok, I'm bringing this back up, 'cause I really need to address what this story is all about....

This is a story that was made for young children, thus it is not very historically accurate. Think of it as an allegory. The Wolf, Bear, and Eagle are represented as actual creatures, not spirits and not humans. The last paragraph, I believe, is just to tell the children that the animals represent the three "founding fathers" of the Eyelian tribe. I'm not trying to rewrite history here. Just putting it into a myth.

Also, no, I haven't encorporated a lot of the actual history in here because, with little kids, you don't fill their heads full of exact history at the same time. (Like just teaching kids the basics of American history while they're in kindergarden.)

One thing that I am having problems with is their passage over to Santharia. I don't know what to make their beliefs as everything I've said has been shot down. I may have to delete some of that just to make it work. Just mention that they were persecuted for their beliefs and leave it at that.  

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Vesk Lyricahl
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« Reply #17 on: 05 July 2006, 10:47:00 »

Quote:
The Wolf was known for his leadership among his peers. He was very loyal to his friends. His mind was viligant and always sharp. The Wolf used his mind for other purposes. He was always inventing things. He was also always the first to invite a stranger inside his hut for a drink of tea and something to eat. The Bear was different from the other three, in the way that he preferred to work alone. He was always carried himself in a way that said he was full of confidence.
This confused me, as at first you seemed to be assigning to each creature the qualities for which their clan are known, e.g. the Wolf being a leader, yet later on you mix up those qualities. For example, you have the Wolf as being inventive yet Eyelians of the Bear clan are the inventors of their tribe. Also, being loners is a quality of the Eagle clan, not the Bear. I like the idea of assigning to each creature the qualities of their respective clans, but you need to stay true to those clans. Hopefully, that makes sense.|I  

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #18 on: 05 July 2006, 13:13:00 »

Listen, my child, to the tale that I tell. It is about our ancesters. The ones who gave us this land. Of the three tribes that we are today.

Once upon a time, there were three creatures that crossed the sea; a wolf, an eagle, and a bear. maybe describe here their appreance a bit - paint the archetyp of a bear, an eagle etc..? The Wolf was known for his leadership among his peers. He was very loyal to his friends. His mind was viligant and always sharp.
Add some more, tales/lore/myth is de*****ive!

The Eagle? I don‘t know, if the characteristics fit like Vesk has mentioned them, I have no time now to go to the entry and reread. used his mind for other purposes. He was always  inventing things. He was also font color=yellow] always [/font] the first to invite a stranger inside his hut for a drink of tea and something to eat.
add more
The Bear was different from the other three, in the way that he preferred to work alone. He was always carried himself in a way that said he was full of confidence.
add more

They decided to cross the sea because the creatures can you make it clearer, who these creatures where? of the land persecuted them because they believed that if the elves, humans, orcs, and other races could choose how they lived, then surely they could. Because of this,after they had a kill, they asked for forgiveness of the animal for killing it to survive. But, sadly for them, the other creatures of the land didn't agree and thus hunted them.

Kareesh, this needs to be elaborated a bit more as well. don‘t put all in the first sentence. maybe start like this:

They decided to cross the sea because the XXX of their former homeland persecuted them because of their belief, which was different from that of the others:

and then describe the reason. Btw, it is a bit weak, for the others are surely not bothered, if they pray before killing an animal. It should be a bit more drastically what drives them away. Maybe they had this good relation to the animals as you describe it, like the north american Indians) but the other tribes hunted in excess (like the white man the bisons). The forefathers of the Eyelians then tried to stop this senseless killing and made themselves disliked to the point, that they were driven away? What about this?


There were others That is a breaking point, you need to introduce here, that these others were humans. But then, why should they follow a bear, a wolf and an eagle? This is still not well thought through
that agreed with what the trio said and followed them.The three leaders decided that, to save their way of living and their followers, they must leave their homeland. So, within a few days, Thistakes surely longer, so either you llow them a year or so to gather (they were many, needed ships etc), or you use a mystically sounding number (are there any ?), maybe three days, or threexthree days (for they were three)
they acquired a ship and supplies and left across the seas. For over a year they sailed the high seas. The three were worried for their food had run out, and they were no where near finding land. Three weeks after their food had run out, they spotted land. When they landed, they found food and water, plenty.
More de*****ive! Not just they found pleanty food and water, describe the lushness of the landscape and plentitude of the animlas


They stayed there for three - or what ever you have chosen above
days before curiosity got the better of them. They they, they..
decided to explore their surroundings to see what sort of land that is so prosaic..... to see whar wonders the lands around them would have in store.. the last sounds not good either, but you know, what I mean?
they had found. Soon they found a majestetic??
river and followed it north. After following this for a ways, they discovered that it split.
Describe the place a bit more!


"We should stay here," said the Wolf to the others. "It has everything that we're looking for. Here is a river where we can get water, and look. There is a nice hillside that we can build our homes on."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea, brother Wolf," said the Eagle. "The hill will also be good that we can see all around us. What do you think, Bear?"

"Sounds like a good plan to me. What are we waiting for?" Replied the Bear.

So, they started to build their home upon the hill. They found mates, and within a few years they had established a very thriving community.

Kareesh, this is unsatisfying. From where did this mate come? Remember, there were the three animals and the humans - for the entry says nothing that they all came over the sea in animal form. They surely haven‘t taken normal beast as mates.


After the community had gotten quite large, the three creatures had decided that now they must go their own ways. They had a small meeting, just between the three original creatures, to decide what the future of the community. The Wolf said that he would take his people to the North. The Bear said that his people would go northeast all the way to the south at the mountains.

"Then," said the Eagle "I guess I'll take the South lands."

The very next day, they split company and went their seperate ways. Even though they were very far apart, they always came to the aid of their brethern when their was trouble.
mention the umans which actually spread!


So, my child, that is the story of our ancestors. The Wolf stands for Talgor, the eldest of the three and the leader of the Wolf Clan. The Bear is for Bealgor, the leader of the Bear Cland. Finally, the Eagle is for the Ealgor, the leader of the Eagle Tribe.
That is disturbing as well, suddenly these leading animlas are hmans, or how is this to understand?


We don't know if the Bear, the Wolf and the Eagle we've heard of still are out there somewhere, in the North, the East and the South, but we know that the people, who followed them still are. And as long as these people live in these lands, the spirits of the Bear, the Wolf and the Eagle are within them. Yes, dear children, and they are also with you.

And suddenly they are spirits?


I know, you thought you were pretty finished, kareesh, but it doesn‘t fit, there are too many things still unclear. while commenting, I had following idea, maybe you like it.


There were people on the other side of the sea, who worshipped already the three spirits, the bear, wolf and eagle. Each of these clans were a bit different (see above) . They had the problems with the other races/tribs as described above and had to flee. The three (human) leaders organised the filght over the sea, but the real leaders were the three spirits who manifested themselves (got visible from time to time) and spoke to the leaders more directly than normally. You can now personalise these spirits a bit. When having arrived in the new lands, the spirits are still with them (half visible), but with the time and their well being, they are less often seen, especially after the three tribes split up. till they sink back into myth. Hope this helps and you are not too frustrated now :hug  

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
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Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #19 on: 05 July 2006, 18:54:00 »

For the qualities, I think that was just err on my part. :crazy

Also, I could have done a lot more descriptive stuff, but I didn't thinking that younger children have short attention spans so if you went into a lot of details (like Tolkien in LOTR, for example) they would get easily bored. Yes, some places I can see where I can add some details.

At this point, I think I'm going to do a complete re-write of it and place it under the Brome Thrumhell stories. That way, he can tell it in his own words and perhaps it will make a little more sense. :)

Thanks for your comments. I'll keep them all in mind as I work on the new and improved version of it. ^_^

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Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #20 on: 06 July 2006, 13:58:00 »

Kareesh, even small children like pictures of what they hear, even if their attention span is  not long. Or they want to be questioned inbetween, if they know something.  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path  that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking,  breathlessly. ~Don Juan"
***Astropicture of the Day***Talia's Long, Long List***
Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #21 on: 06 July 2006, 16:49:00 »

Which is why I've decided to change this story a bit. I think telling it from an actual storyteller's point of view would clear that bit up. Also, I would be able to have some children asking questions and the like.  

Shall I end this haunting nightmare for you?
Character Creation Help~~~My Bell to Ring

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