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Author Topic: Twinell Blades (edited!!!)  (Read 6206 times)
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #15 on: 31 May 2006, 14:26:00 »

...Xun, I'm still waiting for an answer.  How is this weapon any different than holding a serated dagger "backwards" if this is even possible considering there are so many different fighting techinques.  Why not make this an entry on a fighting style?

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Stormraven
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« Reply #16 on: 31 May 2006, 22:39:00 »

Drasil, I am helping Xun with his entry. the reason he doesn't want to make it a fighting style only is because of the unique design of the daggers. I am going to work with him this weekend to try and get things better worded and a more clear description up.

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Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #17 on: 31 May 2006, 23:10:00 »

Yeah, well, that is kind of it. I guess Drasil thinks it is not "unique" but it is. First off, they are serrated, and have a spike on the back. so It has some differences. If that is not enough, then why is the Helcrani Shortsword different from the sword? It can be painted or dyed. It can have runes put into the blade. It is pretty different. Well, thanks for explaining it, Stormraven.

@Stormraven: nice name by the way.

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Stormraven
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« Reply #18 on: 31 May 2006, 23:32:00 »

Xun, you need to put the spike in the description as well and you do need a brief overview. I will send my email address to your ezbox and we can work on it over this week. If that is okay.

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Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #19 on: 31 May 2006, 23:39:00 »

Oh, don't bother with my EZmail, then. I looked at that before i looked at this. Gotta work Gotta work Gotta work...

The man who dares attack me, shall have pain and suffering beneath my blade. A man who touches me shall know what a beast I can be. Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns.

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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #20 on: 01 June 2006, 17:57:00 »

Drasil's URI check time!  Comments are in lime

Overview:
space(for easier reading :p  )
A serrated dagger containing many differences, this dagger is used differently.(This is a very awkward sentance and it makes little sense.  Please re-pharse to something like "The Twinell Blades are serrated daggers, originating from (insert origin here) that differ greatly from the appearance of most other daggers.";)   It(Don't use it here. You are introducing the dagger for the first time so you can't automatically expect your reader to know what you are talking about.) has many serrations and a spike at the bottom to thrust. Used around the world, this is a popular dagger, usually in sets of two(Awkward again.  Try "This popular dagger usually comes in pairs.";)  

Weapon Appearence:
space
The weapon contains a different type of appearence then most weapons(If you remove this sentance I believe the paragraph will read better.  Either that or rewrite this sentance to read something along the lines of "This weapon varies in appearance from most others.)  They(Try substituting Twinell Blades here.  You seem to use pronouns alot without identifying what you are talking about. ) are basically <-- basically is a very informal word and is not often used in these types of articles.  It would be better if you removed it.  serrated daggers, though have a different type of handle. The serrations are sharp and jagged, like shark teeth(No sharks in santharia. :p   Maybe you should dev one up?  Until then, use a Santharian beast.). You hold them downwards, instead of up.(awkward sentence structure) You hold your hands to the side, and the daggers will go in opposite directions. The Twinell Blades look like a dagger with intricate symbols on it, depending on how the owner would like to put on it. The intricate symbols have no real significance, just making a decoration for the weapon, or something to say to the opponent. For instance, the runes might say something like "Death to my blade" to the opponent, but no real significance. They are much like backwards serrated daggers, only they have the type of handle you need to use, and they are much more lightweight, and they are have a piece on the handle, on the bottom, that is sharp metal, which you can use to thrust at the enemy.(Not only is this a run on sentance, you have stated this seperatly in many places.  Articles are not required to be lengthy so don't force yourself to be wordy if you are just going to be repeating yourself) The weapon itself actually can have different colors, for this weapon can be painted on, while not damaging the weapon(wow!  try using some pronouns in this sentance.  You use the word weapon alot and it reads funky). Some are gold, some blue, some red, some might even be green! The weapon, however diplays disfunctions by making almost all of the body unguarded, except by quick movement of the arm and blade. This makes it a bit balanced in how good the weapon can be. A skilled user, however, can usually take on a well trained knight and throw him off, for the weapon contains tricks like hooking the enemies weapons.


I am going to leave you here.  Try re-reading through your entry.  Seeing as English is your natvie language you should be able to pick on most of the wierd sentances and such.  As Vesk mentioned to you in your CD, the way this reads it makes you seem like you are very young.  I know you are very creative and you can write more complex sentences than this from reading your CD.  Therefore I would suggest that you reread everything you wrote in these two sections aloud and try to make it flow better.  Also, try breaking up each section into various paragraphs based on ideas.  Each new topic should get its own paragraph.  For example, you might have a paragraph for the spike, and one for the blade.  Also, Just as a side note, when you do break this into paragraphs, make sure that there are at least 5-6 good sized sentances in each.

I know this is going to sound contradictory, but try not be so wordy either.  You repeat yourself many times, just re-ordering the words.  If you see any sentances like that while reading your entry, try to remove them or disect them to find new information and then re-write them to highlight it.

Remember, you have this wonderful idea in your head, but we can't see it until you write it out.  It would be a shame to see such an interesting weapon idea to be wasted.

Finally, this last comment is probably be ignored seeing as you will most likely not want me to do another look over your entry, however when you are done color your changes and then give me a bell-ring in the bell ringing forum in the Drasil thread.  I'll stop by and continue my commenting.  If you don't(which you probably won't not that I blame you.  I'd hate to have my own picky comments) I'll check back in 2-3 weeks to either continue my URI or see if you adressed any of my comments or provided reasons as to why you did not.

Drasil Razorfang CD

Edited by: Drasil Razorfang at: 6/1/06 1:58
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Stormraven
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« Reply #21 on: 02 June 2006, 21:51:00 »

Ok, I am going to work on this one section at a time starting with your overview.

Overview: The Twinell Blades are serrated daggers, originated by the Eophyrhim tribe(period) that differ greatly from the appearance of most other daggers(change this sentence to They differ from other daggers in appearance.) It has many serrations and a spike at the bottom to thrust. This popular dagger comes usually(remove usually) in pairs. Many people use the weapon for stealing or(remove the stealing part)fighting

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Stormraven
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« Reply #22 on: 02 June 2006, 22:07:00 »

Weapon Appearance:
The weapon contains a different type of appearence then most weapons. ( Alter this sentence. Contains is not the correct de*****ive here, try something like Twinnel Blades have a very different appearance compared to most daggers. or something like that)They are basically(take out basically, the ARE serrated daggers.) serrated daggers, though have a different type of handling. The serrations are sharp and jagged, like shark teeth.( Look in the bestiary for a specific shark or nasty fish with jagged teth since that is what you are going for.) The jagged teeth of the serrations are pointing outward,(Point outward) to put more of a scratch on the enemy. There is also a spike on the bottom used for thrusting. You hold them downwards, instead of up. you hold your hands to the side, and the daggers will go in opposite directions. ( this is difficult to see in my mind, try something along the lines of holding them so that the blades run along the forearm)the(remove the and start a new paragraph) Twinell Blades look like a dagger with intricate symbols on it, depending on how the owner would like to put on it. The intricate symbols have no real significance, just making a decoration for the weapon, or something to say to the opponent. For instance, the runes might say something like "Death to my blade" to the opponent, but no real significance.(Couple of things here, I don't think this particular tribe is likely to put catch-phrases on their weapons. Secondly, why bother if your opponent will be dead and never see your nifty slogan. Third, this tribe uses a poison that leaves their blades with an almost charred appearance, this would cover any runes or symbols. Other people who have them may put something on them like this but it would be an individual basis and not common practice.) They are much like backwords serrated daggers, only they are much more lightweight, and they have a piece on the handle, on the bottom, that is sharp metal, which you can use to thrust at the enemy. The weapon itself actually can have different colors, for this weapon can be painted on, while not damaging the weapon. Some are gold, some blue, some red, some might even be green! The weapon, however diplays disfunctions by making almost all of the body unguarded, except by quick movement of the arm and blade. This makes it a bit balanced in how good the weapon can be. A skilled user, however, can usually take on a well trained knight and throw him off, for the weapon contains tricks like hooking the enemies weapons.(This section needs some work as well. Going on what I have here and what others have posted you should have a passable entry soon but you need to pay attention to other peoples posts and suggestions. It will make it easier all around.)

Edited by: Stormraven at: 6/2/06 6:14
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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #23 on: 03 June 2006, 06:05:00 »

Xun, a serious grammar and spelling check is needed on your work.  By presenting this, you show, as Lady Talia told me, that you don't really care about wasting other's time correcting your petty mistakes which could easily be picked up by even a word processor.  In the future try to Spell/grammar check your work before you post it.  I assure you people will be more willing to read through it if they are not constantly editing your sentance structure, spelling and capitilization.

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Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #24 on: 03 June 2006, 08:45:00 »

Got it. ok. What is going wrong with me? i was an excellent speller in all my grades of school...

The man who dares attack me, shall have pain and suffering beneath my blade. A man who touches me shall know what a beast I can be. Xun Darkwoe, Hunter of Thorns.

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Xun Darkwoe
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« Reply #25 on: 07 June 2006, 13:43:00 »

Can somebody please post about my weapon?

~> Enemies shall die, attackers shall have no mercy. Enemies shall live, and be slaves for eternity.<~

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Stormraven
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« Reply #26 on: 08 June 2006, 00:36:00 »

Still waiting to see some changes made.

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Drasil Razorfang
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« Reply #27 on: 08 June 2006, 10:55:00 »

Xun, like for CD's you can't pick and choose which comments you want to hear and which you wish to ignore.  It doesn't work that way.

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