SEPTIMUS SMALLPIECE'S BOOK OF BAWDY VERSE


This book contains bawdy songs, poems and lymerycks collected from across Santharia by "The Bawdy Bard" himself, Septimus Smallpiece. A popular tavern entertainer for many years, his library of lewdness has, of late, attracted much attention from historians and researchers alike, keen to save these melodies for future generations to enjoy.


Warning

If you've been warned enough, read these reviews!
 

"I gave it to my wife on her birthday and she loved it!"
-- Edmund Maggot, Ciosa
 

"I can no longer leave mine out in public as the choir were forever fingering through it. I have taken to hiding it under my robes, but I must confess, however, to laying it out on my papers during sermons and amusing myself during prayers. If only the congregation knew what tittilates me so!"
-- Preacher Obidiah Winkle

 

 

WE HEARD WHAT SHE SAID
(BUT WE KNEW WHAT SHE MEANT)
by THAROC WARGRIDER

The Master of double entendres and everybody’s favourite smut-merchant, Septimus Smallpiece, has recently uncovered a previously unheard drinking song in the pyrate quarter of downtown K’aal K’taa on the western coast of Caael'heroth.

Whilst most right-minded folk would baulk at the very thought of rummaging around the nether regions of that Gods-forsaken pit of all that is unholy, Smallpiece himself revels in the very atmosphere such places exude. Indeed, were it not for his regular excursions to such places, ballads like the one presented here would be lost to the disc forever, flushed down the privy of life like last night’s greasy wargburger.

From Smallpiece’s letter, which accompanied the lyrics below:

“I first overheard it whilst investigating rumours of a new version of ‘Sharlott the harlot of old Cort’Mangar’. Unfortunately, the rumours proved to be false, the song in question being not new, but rather sung in an old, unfamiliar dialect. But I digress.

This particular song, ‘We heard what she said (but we knew what she meant)’ is one of those drinking songs which has been turned, as so many of them are, into a game which invariably leads to the players drinking themselves into unconsciousness. As is usual, each player takes a turn in singing a verse, and is penalised for forgetting or repeating a verse, usually by having to slug his drink in one, or take a drink from whatever concoction is placed before him. After each verse, the group give a hearty rendition of the chorus before the game moves on to the next player. The last player to pass out is deemed the winner.

As is common with these songs, dozens of new verses have been created and added over the years, until it becomes almost impossible to learn the whole song by heart. What I present to you here are the verses most commonly encountered, along with a smattering of newer lyrics which earned their inclusion by the fact of their very suggestiveness. Perhaps readers could be encouraged and inspired to create new verses of their own?

Whilst this particular song lends itself to being sung to many different popular tunes, I have taken the liberty of including the musical notations composed especially for this piece by none other than the great Bard Gean Firefeet himself. I feel sure that the dock-side atmosphere it creates will delight readers with its jolly simplicity. Master Firefeet also provided one of the rarer 'market' verses, which he recounted hearing on one of his many research trips abroad.

As ever, it is incumbent upon myself to thank our very own Masterbard Judith, Dwarvenmistress of Bardavos, for her tireless researches upon the lewd and bawdy. Without her invaluable assistance many of these verses could have been forever lost to history. It would be remiss of me if I were not to mention those other dextrous lyricists who added their own, unique twists to the tale of poor Naydreen, namely Miraran Tehuriden, Altario-Shialt-eck-Gorrin, Deklitch Hardin and, last and very much least, Sordoc the decidedly average.”

My cousin Naydreen was a Santhalan queen,
As pretty a creature as you've ever seen,
But she was so dumb that no matter how she tried,
When she opened her mouth she put her foot right inside.

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

She invited the preacher to her house so they say,
She said, “It's a party, I'm 19 today.
Ma’s bought me a dress and a bonnet so cute,
So come round and see me in my birthday suit.”

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

Her cottage was ancient, the roof it did leak,
The thatch full of mice who would rustle and squeak,
She whined to a friend that her pump had gone out,
"I just can't make water with one up the spout!"

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

She went to a village dance one night on her own,
And she smiled at a young man who stood all alone.
He remarked how he'd not had the pleasure before,
And she answered, “Come on then, let's get on the floor”

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

Our Naydreen was seeing a stay-at home lad,
For when he'd head down to the pub she was sad,
She'd say to her sisters and ma with a grin,
"I'm perfectly happy as long as he's in!"

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

One day she went down to the market in town,
And she said to a man who was selling fine gowns,
”I need some material to make a new belt,
Perhaps you could tell me where I can get felt?”

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

The next stall she came to on her market route,
Was a merchant who showed her his tropical fruit.
So long, fresh and juicy, and laid out oblique,
That she couldn’t help saying “Please, just like last week.”

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

She went to the dockside to purchase a scarf,
The boats had their fabrics all out on the wharf.
One sailor, he showed her a fine bit of stuff,
And she said "Very nice, but it's not long enough!"

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

Back on her way home she passed through a field,
And met a wood-cutter, along with his yield.
Her home's hearth was cold and half-filled with soot,
So she spoke to the 'jack; "Please give me your wood."

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

A beautiful tree in her garden does grow,
She decided to enter the fruit in a show.
So she visited her rivals and said in advance,
”When the judges see my pear, you don't stand a chance.”

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

She travelled to Ciosa, and went to the docks,
There she spotted a sailor fishing from the rocks.
She looked at him shyly then gazed out to sea,
And said, "Would you like to cast your nets here with me?”

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

She said “I once met a boy with dark wavy hair,
So we rushed off to Remusia for a quick love affair.
But I came back disappointed with a cold and a cough,
We were both frozen stiff and I just broke it off.”

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

Naydreen had a suitor who who'd come by to play
Sometimes he'd be there, at all times of day
But when she found out that he was an elf
She told him "I'm sorry, I'll play with myself."

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.

She travelled up North with Sordoc the Great,
To join him in watching the great paxen mate.
She said to Sordoc as the paxen went beyond count,
"Do you think there's a paxen here that I could mount?"

We knew what she meant, we knew what she meant,
We heard what she said but we knew what she meant.


"We Heard What She Said", composed and performed by Gean Firefeet, based on lyrics by Tharoc Warrider
Format: MP3, Length: 1:19. Original Santharian Work
Click here to download the song, use right-click and "Save as..." (1.38 MB). Return to the top

 

WAS IT YOU?
by THAROC WARGRIDER AND BARD JUDITH

Was it you who did the pushin'
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the headboard upside down?
Was it you who had my daughter?
If it was you really oughta,
Be making plans for getting out of town.

It was me that did the pushin'
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the headboard upside down.
But ever since I had your daughter,
I've had trouble passing water,
So I guess that makes us even all around.

When we thought the cats were howlin',
Was it you who did the yowlin',
Making music with your partner like a hound?
Right behind the old back thirty,
Gettin' down and getting dirty,
Crumpled bracken in the spinney on the ground?

Did you leave a little token?
For my daughter's heart is broken,
Not to mention other possibilities,
And if you have played the villain,
And her belly soon is fillin',
We will hang you from the nearest urban tree.

I agree that Puss was yowlin',
Though I made her do some howlin',
She returned the favour with her little claws,
And from evidence internal,
And a sort of general burn-all,
I'm quite sure the only thing I broke was laws.

 

JAKKA'S  TAVERNA
by THAROC WARGRIDER

I met you, in Jakka’s Taverna,
You looked so mournful and sad,
So I said with a wink, “Let me buy you a drink,
And perhaps things won’t seem so bad.”

You ordered a large R’unorian brandy, then Vhodkha, then wine to take home,
And then as I bought it,
I suddenly thought,
“It’s small wonder that you’re on your own.”

Then you took me, across town to your rooms,
My eagerness I could not hide,
When you walked ‘cross the floor, and you locked the front door,
Why did you leave me outside?

So I came down, and I sang ‘neath your window,
From midnight until gone half after three,
Oh Lady pray tell me, dear Lady please tell me,
What was it you emptied on me?

I came down, to Jakka’s Taverna,
In search of the love of my life,
And I gave you my heart, but now we must part,
For I’m going back to my wife.


 

JOHLDULF AND  GERTILD
by THAROC WARGRIDER

Little Johldulf was playing in the orchard one day,
Playing with a pack of Four House,
When into the orchard came little Gertild,
Carrying a white Fuzzle mouse.
"I've got some o' them", Johldulf said,
Gert said "No you've not."
She said "Alright then, I bet you a bag of chocolate Prezzers,
I've got everything that you've got."

So Johldulf took off his little wooly jerkin and laid his belly-dimple bare,
And as he stood up, standing, he said,
"I bet you've not got one of them there."
"Oh yes I have", she lifted up her vest,
"Yes I have." said Gert,
"But the only difference between mine and yours,
is mine isn't covered with dirt."

So Johldulf took off his little pair of breeches,
And showed her what lay beneath,
When Gertild saw she hadn't got one she was overcome with grief.
She dropped her mouse, ran into the house, shouting for her mum,
She said "Johldulf's got something growing under his breeches,
and mummy I haven't got one."

Ten minutes later she came out of the house,
She didn't make a sound,
Little Johldulf was jumping, bursting with pride, waving his thing around.
She said "it's alright, Johl, I know you've won,
but I don't really mind,
because my mummy says as long as I've got one of these here,
I can get one of them anytime."

 

FRUITFUL HARVEST
by ALYSSE THE LIKELY

As I walked out late in the morn, t’was on a Harven day,
And all the farmers working hard, to reap the summer’s hay
I saw a fair maid running, her skirts in disarray,
A-fleeing from a Cattrel hound, she could not get away.

I shouldered up my sturdy staff and to her side I sped
And as the hound approached us two I struck him ‘cross the head
Then he did flee the scene a-yelping, like to raise the dead
The maid did sink into my arms and followed where I led.

“Oh, sir,” cried she, “I thank you so, that you did make him fly!
With such a staff, so long and hard, the which you did apply,
So skilfully…” “Well, now my dear,” I gently made reply,
“Such skill comes from experience, and much of that have I.”

I brought her in the field to rest and sat her in the wheat.
I chafed her hands, I kissed her lips, that were so very sweet,
So quickly to my touch she warmed, from head to dainty feet,
That soon the pretty maid and I with Etherus did meet.

( This stanza, depending on the intoxication levels of the crowd,
is usually followed with enthusiastic cheers, whilst a brief instrumental is played.)


So, in the field we laid a while and there did sport and play,
And as to our conclusion there, well, this much will I say,
Although it was a maiden fair I led into the hay,
No maid did leave the field with me, though two folk walked away!

 

DANCE OF LOVE
by ALYSSE THE LIKELY

Love-dancing here, now, you and I
Caught up in pleasure-touching-fire
Soft kisses, tensely curving fingers
trace our desire.

We touch extremes of tender loving
with joy that's deep, but rarely still.
Down-soft love and stone-strong passion
both drive our will.

Oh, sweet strong force! It drives us on
with all the strength of Sur'tyan
And in that glorious consumnation
Two become one.

 

HOT GOLDEN RAIN TOAST
by THAROC WARGRIDER

When Jannatan Koopar came home from class,
He started to cry and to cry.
He cried and he cried for nearly three weeks,
And his mam started wondering why.
"What ails you, young Jann?", his mother did ask,
"Hast been caught peeing up th' midden wall again?
Or has Master Septicknuckles given you th' stick,
Fer playin' at swords with yer quill-pen?"

"No, it's nuffin like that, mam", Jannatan said,
"It's all got to do wiv me willy."
"We were measurin' em in't woods, like,
just after class, an' mine were so small it looked silly."
"Right," said his mam, "down to th' druids we'll go,
and some of his spells we shall borrow,
I reckon he'll make it grow long right away,
you'll be trippin' over th' beggar t'morrow."

Well, next morning at the druids Jann showed his complaint,
It was certainly nothing to boast,
And the druid at first thought he'd sprouted a worm,
And then he prescribed Jann, hot toast.
"HOT TOAST!", said his ma, "Have you gone raving mad?
It's his willy that's lacking you twit!
Just look at the poor little thing, hanging there,
Why, at tea-time I ate bigger neep-chips!"

"It's a common complaint, Mistress Koopar," he said,
"And mostly from men, don't you know,
But nature has found the best cure of all,
Because hot Gold-rain toast makes them grow."

When next morning for fast-break young Janna came down,
He looked like he'd just seen a ghost,
For on every platter, and piled high up to the roof,
Were hundreds of pieces of toast.
"I can't eat all them, mam," Jannatan said,
And his face it grew mournful and sad,
"It's alright, dear, there's only two slices for you,
The rest of 'em's all fer yer dad."

 

THE KUATU'S HOLE
by THAROC WARGRIDER

A traditional drinking song of Sarvonian hunters.

I stuck my weapon in the kuatu's hole,
The kuatu said "The Gods bless my soul,
Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out,
Remove it!"

I removed my weapon from the kuatu's hole,
The kuatu said "The Gods bless my soul,
Put it back, put it back, put it back,
Replace it!"

I replaced my weapon in the kuatu's hole,
The kuatu said "The Gods bless my soul,
Turn it round, turn it round, turn it round,
Revolve it!"

I rotated my weapon in the kuatu's hole,
The kuatu said "The Gods bless my soul,
Turn it back, turn it back, turn it back,
Reverse it!"

I reversed my weapon in the kuatu's hole,
The kuatu said "The Gods bless my soul,
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth,
Reciprocate it!"

I reciprocated my weapon in the kuatu's hole,
The kuatu said "The Gods bless my soul,
Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out,
Retract it!"

 

OLD CAPTAIN FOKE
by THAROC WARGRIDER

A traditional Northern Sarvonian reavers drinking song regarding the exploits of Captain "Cod-piece" Foke, a notoriuos Sarvonian reaver and infamous debaucher of women. Each reaver must sing a verse in turn, taking a drink of ale after each mention of his verse during the song. Anyone who forgets or repeats a verse must buy the next round of drinks. There are many more verses than are presented here, allowing the song, and the drinking, to go on for hours!

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his fiddlers three.
Now every fiddler had a very fine bow, and a very fine bow had he.
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
to the boys of the northern seas."

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his tailors three.
Now every tailor had a very fine needle, and a very fine needle had he.
"Stick it in and out, in and out" said the tailors,
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
To the boys of the northern seas."

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his jugglers three.
Now every juggler had very fine balls, and very fine balls had he.
"Throw 'em in the air, in the air" said the jugglers,
"Stick it in and out, in and out" said the tailors,
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
To the boys of the northern seas."

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his swordsmen three.
Now every swordsman had a very fine weapon, and a very fine weapon had he.
"Hold it in both hands, wave it 'round" said the swordsmen,
"Throw 'em in the air, in the air" said the jugglers,
"Stick it in and out, in and out" said the tailors,
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
To the boys of the northern seas."

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his butchers three.
Now every butcher had a very fine chopper, and a very fine chopper had he.
"Shall I cut some off the end, off the end" said the butchers,
"Hold it in both hands, wave it 'round" said the swordsmen,
"Throw 'em in the air, in the air" said the jugglers,
"Stick it in and out, in and out" said the tailors,
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
To the boys of the northern seas."

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his horsemen three.
Now every horseman had a very fine mount, and a very fine mount had he.
"Ride it up and down, up and down" said the horsemen,
"Shall I cut some off the end, off the end" said the butchers,
"Hold it in both hands, wave it 'round" said the swordsmen,
"Throw 'em in the air, in the air" said the jugglers,
"Stick it in and out, in and out" said the tailors,
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
To the boys of the northern seas."

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his watchmen three.
Now every watchman had a very fine truncheon, and a very fine truncheon had he.
"Wear it down your leg, down your leg" said the watchmen,
"Ride it up and down, up and down" said the horsemen,
"Shall I cut some off the end, off the end" said the butchers,
"Hold it in both hands, wave it 'round" said the swordsmen,
"Throw 'em in the air, in the air" said the jugglers,
"Stick it in and out, in and out" said the tailors,
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
To the boys of the northern seas."

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his huntsmen three.
Now every huntsman had a very fine horn, and a very fine horn had he.
"Come and blow my horn, blow my horn" said the huntsmen,
"Wear it down your leg, down your leg" said the watchmen,
"Ride it up and down, up and down" said the horsemen,
"Shall I cut some off the end, off the end" said the butchers,
"Hold it in both hands, wave it 'round" said the swordsmen,
"Throw 'em in the air, in the air" said the jugglers,
"Stick it in and out, in and out" said the tailors,
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
To the boys of the northern seas."

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his sawbones three.
Now every sawbones had a very fine blade, and a very fine blade had he.
"I'll have to cut it off, cut it off" said the sawbones,
"Come and blow my horn, blow my horn" said the huntsmen,
"Wear it down your leg, down your leg" said the watchmen,
"Ride it up and down, up and down" said the horsemen,
"Shall I cut some off the end, off the end" said the butchers,
"Hold it in both hands, wave it 'round" said the swordsmen,
"Throw 'em in the air, in the air" said the jugglers,
"Stick it in and out, in and out" said the tailors,
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
To the boys of the northern seas."

Old Cap'n Foke was a lusty old soak, and a lusty old soak was he.
He took a mans wife in the middle of the night,
Then he called for his bowmen three.
Now every bowman had a very fine arrow, and a very fine arrow had he.
"Take aim and release, then relax" said the bowmen,
"I'll have to cut it off, cut it off" said the sawbones,
"Come and blow my horn, blow my horn" said the huntsmen,
"Wear it down your leg, down your leg" said the watchmen,
"Ride it up and down, up and down" said the horsemen,
"Shall I cut some off the end, off the end" said the butchers,
"Hold it in both hands, wave it 'round" said the swordsmen,
"Throw 'em in the air, in the air" said the jugglers,
"Stick it in and out, in and out" said the tailors,
"Rub it up and down, up and down" said the fiddlers,
"What merry men are we. There's none so fair as can compare,
To the boys of the northern seas."

 

AND  NOW FOR SOME LYMERYCKS...


Her's a lymeryck provided by Alysse (who, some might say, knows her way around these verses a good deal more than she would publicly confess):

by ALYSSE THE LIKELY

A Santhalan lass, fair of face
Found her bodice was too tight to lace
Her ma cried “Now, come!”
“There’s more in your tum,
than that which went in by your face!"
 

Time now for a brace of short-rhymes from the quill of Druadán. - This first will be familiar to all those who have fallen foul of the monthly vagaries of a woman's temper!

by DRUADÁN

On the moors Banwa walked in a daze
At the Silarna she'd growl in a haze
But her unworried friend
Knew all would soon mend
For once a month she goes through this phase.
 

The second of Druadás offerings will bring to mind the unsettling effects the sight of not just a beautiful female, but of any female, has on the body during a certain period of youth!

There was a young fellow who was often caught,
And of him his parents were very distraught,
For whenever he'd pass,
A presentable lass,
The front of his pants would advance a whole lot.

 

THE BOAT SONG
by THAROC WARGRIDER

This next song is traditionally sung without music, and in a respectful, sombre manner, as befits its sensitive subject matter. Thanks must go to Masterbard Judith of Bardavos for her invaluable help in researching and translating this song.

While sailing in a boat going west,
Flooding bilges put our courage to the test,
For our captain told us right there and then,
That to save us all, we'd to sacrifice three men.

So for volunteers then the captain did call,
And the three who stood up surely saved us all,
A Kurakim, Caltharian, Cyrathrhim as well,
Of their untold courage, no tongue can tell.

The Kurakim stood by the rail on the 'fore,
He deserves our thanks, our gratitude and more,
A warrior who's courage could not be in doubt,
He shouted, "Corunvil bless the Kalern", and threw himself out.

With the boat sinking fast came the Caltharians turn,
A lesson in bravery for us all to learn,
Another who's courage could not be in doubt,
He shouted,"Carmalad forever", and threw himself out.

A candledrip before the boat would sink beneath the sea,
The Cyrathrhim stood proudly up, and a fine tall elf was he,
"I do this for my people, and the Aellenrhim braves,
Remember the Calmarios!" and hurled an orc into the waves.

 

A-MAKING HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINETH
by BARD JUDITH

And now, we are honoured indeed to present a lusty tune from Masterbard Judith of Bardavos herself. A tale of simple country folk whiling away the hours on the way to market.

T’was on a lovely Jeystar’s morn I drove my cart one day,
Towards the Simsy market, where I would sell my hay,
And at the Grensa Bridge I saw, a-sitting all forlorn,
A lad so tall and muscular , as stout as any born.

As stout as any born, aye, stout as any born,
She saw the lad a-sitting there, and looking all forlorn!

I looked him up, I looked him down, I offered him a ride,
I told him he could choose the hay, or sit by me beside.
He said he’d gladly come with me, and up he swiftly rose,
But climbing to the waggon-seat I fear he tore his hose.

We fear he tore his hose, my dears, we fear he tore his hose,
In all his eagerness to mount, so swiftly up he rose!

He said that for two sans he’d surely trade a buss with me,
And tipped his top towards my cheek, and down my front looked he.
I told him nay, for I’d no coin – crest-fall’n he turned away,
But wait, said I, till market time, and selling of my hay!

Oh selling of the hay, we’ll go selling of the hay,
So bide your time, my sturdy lad, and turn you not away!

He thought a while, we joggéd on, the sun shone brightly down,
And I was fain to rest a while, ere we reached Simsy town.
So I did pull the dobbin in, under a shady tree,
And bade him lie and ease his head, and pass the time with me.

She bade him ease his head a while, she bade him ease his head,
A quiet place out of the sun, or so our farmlass said…

He found a place where he would rest, and there he laid him down,
But then rose up, and tost and turn’d, and stirréd all around,
And ne’er a wink of sleep got he, and ne’er a wink got I,
But oh, my hay it was well-aired, when market time came by!

And aye her hay and oh her hay and air her hay with me!
Come for a ride or come inside, and hold your head so free!

 

SARVONIA HAS LOVELY GIRLS
by BARD JUDITH AND OTHERS

his infamous soldiers’ ballad has over thirty verses, each featuring a different Sarvonian city. From one end of the continent to the other the fighting man has marched and sung these stanzas, one more lubricious than the next. We have selected a few of the verses less likely to ignite our parchment than the rest, including the opening stanza, and recorded them here for the dubious benefit of Caelerethian posterity.

(BARD JUDITH)

Sarvonia has lov’ly girls,
In country or in tow-own,
And in or out I’ll take ‘em all,
I like ‘em up or dow-owwn!

In Carmelad I kissed a wench,
I did not know her naaa-aaame,
I kissed her hard an’ left her there
Afore her husband came!

In Santhala I loved a lass,
Her lips were ripe an’ reee-eed,
Her skin was soft as th’ velvet that
Was coverin’ her bed!

In Parthanul a young fishwife
Was spreadin’ nets to dry-yyy,
Her skirts blew up, her nets blew down,
An’ I could see…oh my!

In Bardavos I had a maid,
With hips so round an’ swee-eeet,
I liked her swayin’ better still
When she was off her feet!

(THUJA)

In Horth a wonderful gal
full of life and a big smile
took me in her arms for a twirl
we did dance for awhile.

(TALIA STURMWIND)

Sarvonia has lov’ly girls,
In country or in tow-own,
And in or out I’ll take ‘em all,
I like ‘em up or dow-owwn!

In Strata I met a Shendar
I tried to touch her tend--er
but when I kissed her no---ose
her knife came far too clo--ose.

To Rahmat I never came
and that‘s a bleeding sha--ame
for all the lov‘ly gi--irls
will never see my cu--urls

Uderza is a lovely place
I know from there a pretty fa--ace
But when she lost her sa--andals
I had some major sca--andals

In Thalambath a sorceress…

The parchment is torn off abruptly here, and a note in different handwriting is scribbled on the side: “Dear Masterbard: What were you thinking of? Do NOT include the Thalambath stanza! OR the one about the Milkengrad miss, either! And remove any references to “Fa’av’calar”, or however you spelt it, unless you want an elven curse turning all your furniture back into living trees…. A.F"

 

SANTHARIAN ALE
by BARD JUDITH

Gimme a flagon, a barrel, a wagon,
Oh gimme a flask or a pot or a pail,
And do not stop pouring the while I’m adoring,
Yes, gimme a drink of Santharian Ale!

Let there be a table, as broad as is able,
And set down a stool, a stump or a chair,
And if there be doch nuts, then heap them in waterbutts,
Oh innkeep, I’m ready t’ let down my hair!

A drinker who’s boozy should not be too choosy,
So bring on the leeswine and beer without fail,
Oh barlass, keep filling the glasses I’m swilling,
And pour me some more of that Santharian Ale!"


Santharian Ale

"Santharian Ale", composed and performed by Bard Judith
Format: MP3, Length: 1:19. Original Santharian Work
Click here to download the song, use right-click and "Save as..." (782 KB). Return to the top

 

CENTAUR DRINKING SONG
by LUCIRINA TELOR VEVAN

A pretty young filly she fancies me dear.
Every time I see her I pat her little rear.
Oh doodeley deer.
Oh doodeley deer
I pat her little rear.

There at home a mare strong as a clydesdale.
Every time I come around I peek under her tail.
Oh doodely dale.
Oh doodely dale.
I peek under her tail.

Some call me a stallion, some call me a stud.
Just because I steal of the girls their rosebud.
Oh doodely dud.
Oh doodely dud.
I steal their rosebud.

There was a cute mare in a barnyard.
She did not like me and stomped me hard.
Oh doodely dard.
Oh doodely dard.
She stomped me hard.

A Stallion offended as offended could be.
Wanted to make a gelding out of me.
Oh doodely dee.
Oh doodely dee.
Make a gelding out of me.

I told that stallion not to be a fool,
For no knife would ever touch my tool.
Oh doodely dool.
Oh doodely dool.
Ever touch my tool.

I've been with many mares, both thin and broad,
But none of them had ever seen a stallion with such a rod.
Oh doodely dod.
Oh doodely dod.
With such a rod.

Oh when I go to heaven for to finally rest.
I bet all the little angeles will be impressed.
Oh doodely dest.
Oh doodely dest.
All the little angeles will be impressed.

And the goodess, after I make her moan and yell.
in anger she will send me to hell.
Oh doodely dell.
Oh doodely dell.
She will send me to hell.

But the devil being a sly old bore.
in my face will slam the door.
Oh doodely door.
Oh doodely door.
In my face will slam the door.
 

 Date of last edit 4th Sleeping Dreameress 1668 a.S.

Bawdy verses written by various team members