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Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD. 4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD. 5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title. 6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Divya Shenty Kamet ~ Azhorhrian ~ Weaver  (Read 160 times)
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Twn Arerwn
Melancholy Mage
CD Mod
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Gender: Female
Posts: 1672

Elf, Iferhm

« Reply #15 on: Yesterday at 02:52:12 AM »

Hello Divya and welcome to Santharia! My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange

- Endurance: Since she was trained in both defensive and offensive fighting, she has learned to have good endurance. She also practices near every day, even though it is no longer required, which keeps her in top condition. At the age of 16 practicing everyday would be a probability. This young she is still learning if not the basics most likely still very close.

-  Slight of Body:  This gives her an advantage when slipping through places. Though average height for a woman, she has a slim frame, and quick nimble feet which help her blend in. Being agile is a different strength and should be listed as such. Her slightness of body already allows her other advantages. I myself know plenty of slim people that are not very agile. She also moves fluidly even when wearing full clothes, and knows how to blend in to the shadows. Being able to conceal herself in shadows is a separate skill as well. It should be listed as its own strength with examples of how good she is.

-  Sociable:  Though seemingly quiet and calculating, Divya is quite the talker. But this is only when surrounded by friends, when her more friendly nature opens up. She's not afraid to talk to strangers, and will strike up a good conversation with them.

- Curiosity/Defiance: When most people would give up, or back down, Divya keeps going. Though a strength sometimes, it is mostly a hindrance to her. She will defy authority till her death most times, and is not at all afraid to speak her mind. She has her own thoughts and beliefs which are not easily changed, and will avidly defend them.

- Small attention span: In short, Divya cannot seem to sit still, much less take the time to learn something she really doesn't want to learn. Even with her physical training, she likes to move quickly, and gets bored staying in one spot.

- Power/Gold:To sum it up, power seduces her. The allure of power and/or gold. She doens't <-- doesn't know she has this weakness, but others do. They know that power over others gives Divya happiness, they know the promise of gold makes her smile. Though not essentianly <---essentially gold digging, or power hunger, she does have a weakness when it comes to this, and may sacrifice some of her morals to get one or the other.

- Over-emotional: At points, Divya will snap. She'll became overly concerned with something trivial, and puts too much pressure on herself at times, which causes her to self-destruct. When this happens, she goes off. She won't quite cry at the littlest thing, but she'll snap on the person who does something slightly out of line.

- Full body: Most woman fighters in her tribe, are of flatter frame then her, the same height, but not as full as her. This allows them to go unnoticed and slip easily through. It also allows them an easier fighting style. Divya loses a few advantages in fighting because of this. What disadvantage does this cause her? You mention above that she is highly agile. This seems to contradict what you have previously stated. Removing this completely and explaining her strengths separately instead of grouping them should do a lot for balance. IMHO

- Cold: Born and raised in the deserts, anything that is freezing is foreign to her. Though the deserts are cold at night, she cannot stand ice cold, or snow, or anything such as that. She just freezes in the cold, and quickly develops some sickness.

- Easily sick: While most in her tribe never seem to get sick, and can stand the many plagues of the outside, Divya's blood is thin, and she is quite easily undertook by such plagues.

- Friends/Loved ones: She is normally alert, and very aware, but when she is having a good time with her friends, she becomes quiet unaware of her surroundings. She is also a bit too loyal, and it is hard for her to let go of her friends. Thought always happy to see them succeed it is hard for her to see them leave her. Not only this, but she will do almost anything for her friends, or those she loves.

Though you have far more weaknesses than strengths "listed" there are many strengths you have lumped together. It is hard to tell balance without these issues being addressed. Please ask questions here if you need help or answers.
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 03:18:14 AM by Twn Arerwn » Logged

he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath
Talia Sturmwind
Lady of the South
Approved Character
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Gender: Female
Posts: 3032

Human, Shendar, Shen-D'auras

« Reply #16 on: Yesterday at 01:27:56 PM »

Hello Divya,

you have quite a nice CD here with a lot of details. :)

Of course there comes some critique now ;)

I want only address your history here. (Twen is always good with balance!)
When a char is created, we want to be it a Santharian one, for this makes our world and RPG special. This means at well, being true to what has been written, being true to the tribe description. And here I have seen several problems:

 - Why is there a child born with such spots? There is  not hint that the tribe has any diseases or illnesses which could trigger this. If you want to have it to explain, why she got a bit different, then you need to explain it. But being insulted by other kids (who surely do not start before they are 2 or 3 years old) doesnt explain, why she should be defiant towards her parents.

- A blond sister is not possible if you do not really introduce that her mother had an affair with an outsider. I see no actual reason for her to be blond - your story so far doesnt require it. All you want to do can be done with a normal looking sister as well.

- You introduce a camp - I couldnt find anything in the entry about this tribe where a camp is mentioned and that the kids are send away, not at this young age nor later. Why should this tribe do it? It is of no advantage to not have the kids under your guarding eye. You can mention the special teachers though.

- Books - wont be available for a child in such an environment, we are living in medieval times and in a harsh environment. There is no place for books, but more for stories around the fire. The entry doesnt say it explicitly, but it is more likely that you dont know to write or read well. I dont think there is a school either, though you might call the teachings of the Sha Dar'mar school, but they are more a religious schooling than anything what we would understand as school, learning writing and reading. They might learn calculating though to be able to sell their horses.

At school, Divya became quite knowledgeable. Not only top of her class, Divya went beyond the box to learn as much as she possibly could.

That would only be possible if she asked the teacher questions - and that would have been probably those in religious context.

At these 2 year lapses of time, Divya never saw her parents or her sister. Divya expected her little sister to be at camp, but she was surprised to learn her little sister was sent home from camp after only 6 months. Also at this time, it was found out that her sister was one of the gifted. Her parents instantly hired a private tutor for her, and since Divya was 12, she figured she should also learn about magic.

Divya thought, "Why not?", and so, she too started to learn magic. She chose to go the route of the Earth, because she lived in the desert. She was not however much of a student, and didn't quite learn as much.

Her objective was to learn spells that would damage or harm the foe, but chose not to grasp the spiritual concept of the element. Because of this, she never advanced past a few weeks of training and quickly gave up. Instead she decided to focus on her combat skills.

Her sister however called Divya the 'Earth Avatar', to mock her for giving up. Divya grew quite fond of the little nickname, just because it came from her sister, and it symbolised how close they were.

The magic experts will probably say you soon enough, that this is not possible in the way you described it.
- You say, your sister was one of the gifted ones? Gifted in which respect? what did happen, that they thought so? And what for kind of teacher should that be, from where should he come? The Azhorhians are not known to have magic or even know about it.

- You cant  just say, you learned magic along with your gifted sister., for you need to have an inclination towards it and then you need time, practise and patience. You would never be able to learn all these spells in your desert. A child in ximax might be able to do it, but he grows up under very special conditions. In your tribe you will learn well to fight and tend your horses, not much more.

- Weaving - I think I read this in a comment above already - you cant excel in fighting and weave al the clothes of your family - that would take an enormous amount of time.

- Your story - very unlikely. I doubt, that a 14 year old girl could survive for 4 weeks alone in such an hostile environment. That she finds the mythical blue flower is even more unlikely. You could of course describe it as a dream. Your return home - no way, you as the author should know it.

I would propose a less spectacular story: Go away with the intend to find the flower. After a few days you find a hidden place where a blue flower (or some) grows, but not the blue flower. Let a snake bite you and you become unconscious, have your dream - and then your parents find you and bring you back. You could insist now, that your mother makes a herbal infusion out of this flower and it helps your sister - and a new remedy would have be found ( could be developed on the dev-board)

Divya was severely punished for her little trip, because she nearly died,
The Azhorhians are said to love their children dearly - I doubt, that a severe punishment would follow in this case. The parents are glad to have their child back and the adventure was punishment enough.
- The entry doesnt say anything about arranged marriages, nor that the future wife and husband have a trial year where they live close together. You need to find another reason why you want to leave your tribe.

- Still missing is the part how you came to Santharia (no RPGs in Aeruillin yet)

I hope you dont mind pointing out all this things to you, even if it sounds a bit harsh (I dont know how tosay it in a more friendlier tone ) but you want to play an Azhorhian woman - then you need to describe one :)

Have fun with further researches and a partly new write up! :)

Divya Kamet
New Santharian

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Posts: 10

« Reply #17 on: Today at 06:19:32 AM »

THANKS! I'll work on it...just...not this weekend. Though I can't wait to get started. I like the 'dream' idea. I wanted to change it, and I kind of hurried through the history...so I'll make sure to expand it quite a bit more...
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