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- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Emmiline Atricus/The Bloodletter Clan/Assassin  (Read 180 times)
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Rookie Brownbark
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Brownie, Llaoihrr


« Reply #15 on: October 15, 2007, 06:00:37 PM »

Could you also have another read through what you have got?  Some of the more complicated sentences are rather difficult to understand, and could do with splitting into two.  Also sometimes you use the wrong form of a word e.g. despaired instead of despairing etc. 

As you still have the pencil posticon up and are therefore considered to be still in the process of writing, most commenters will wait until you have finished to prevent commenting on something you were going to change anyway  :).
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Emmiline
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« Reply #16 on: October 16, 2007, 02:45:02 AM »

Alright. Thanks. ^_^
I fixed what I could see in the time I had,
just tell me if I missed anymore. Thanks.  grin
« Last Edit: October 16, 2007, 02:59:18 AM by Emmiline » Logged
Rookie Brownbark
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Brownie, Llaoihrr


« Reply #17 on: October 18, 2007, 02:56:37 PM »

Ok, lets take this passage and highlight the bits that IMHO need some adjustment to show you what I mean...

Face - Silk wispy black bangs laying across, and slightly above her right eye to hide a finger length scar from view, and to show full view of the two tattoos under her left eye just above her high cheekbones, a teardrop and star This one could easily be two sentences. Two symmetrical thin eye brows lay above her starking violet eyes. A small slightly pointed nose, twice pierced, leads down to full, painted red (red-painted would be better) heart shaped lips (Or you could put ", painted red," here) that seem to always be pouting. Her complexion is pale but, healthy pale, instead of sickly pale. A small stud lays under (surely it goes through her lip?) her lip to the left. Her pointed ears show though a curtain of black tresses, showing her heritage, is pierced multiple times.

Ok some I've left for you to figure out  ;)  Split some sentences into two and sort out your commas and verbs. Then look through the rest of your CD and look for similar errors. "Lay" is the past tense i.e. "The beautiful girl lay on the hay".  You want the present i.e. "The beautiful girl lies on the hay"

Hope that helps

Rookie xxx
« Last Edit: October 18, 2007, 02:59:10 PM by Rookie Brownbark » Logged

Nox Belle
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« Reply #18 on: October 19, 2007, 03:09:52 AM »

There are just a couple things I would like to point out.

My corrections/suggestions/comments will be formated gorgeous in green


APPERANCE
Height - One Ped, One Fore, One Nailsbreath.
Weight - 105 Od
Hair Colour - Blueish-black
Eye Colour - Violet/Blue

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
Body - Pale and slender, with a tiny waist, small bosom, and long slender legs and arms, thin long fingers, and a thin wrist.<-(This sentence doesn’t make much sense. Perhaps you should add more detail on the different parts of her body and break it up into more than one sentence.)  With a high metabolism, her tummy stays flat, and fit, her hipbones jut out a bit, but not so much that it looks unhealthy. She has a scar going from her shoulder blade to the middle of her back, and one that wraps around her rib(space)cage, from one of her numerous fights. She has a tattoo on the back of her neck under her hair, in the shape of a falcon, and another of corseting going down her back.

Face - Silk wispy black bangs laying across, and slightly above<-(This phrasing doesn’t make much sense. Consider rephrasing it.) her right eye to hide a finger length scar from view, and to show full view of the two tattoos under her left eye just above her high cheekbones, a teardrop and star.<-(This is a run-on sentence. I suggest breaking it up into at least two separate sentences.)   Two symmetrical thin<-(This would make sense, perhaps if you switched it up. i.e. “Two thin, symmetrical”?) eye brows lay above her starking violet eyes. A small slightly pointed nose, twice pierced, leads down to full, painted red heart shaped lips that seem to always be pouting. Her complexion is pale but, healthy pale, instead of sickly pale. A small stud lays under her lip to the left. Her pointed ears show though a curtain of black tresses, showing her heritage, is pierced multiple times.

Hair - Emmiline's blueish-black hair is about two peds and one fore in length. She keeps it in a half wrapped-up bun on the side of her head with red ribbon wrapping around the bun, and the ped length hanging down from the bun. When she isn't fighting, or practicing it is free flowing and laying down her back in straight tresses. Her bangs are parted at her left eye, jaggedly cut, laying on, and above her right eye. (Having hair this long is rather impractical. It’s nearly twice her height in length.)

Eyes – Her violet, covered with sadness and wrath, which hides her more fragile thoughts, memories, and emotions. With thick, long black lashes framing them, they stand out most of all against her pale face.
Clothing – When she is practicing, or fighting Emmiline wears body hugging leather clothing, that is yet flexible enough to move swiftly. A sturdy leather belt at her waist holds her daggers, and a few poisons viles. A pair of light weight black boots keeps her moving swiftly. When she isn't fighting, she relaxes in a soft violet low v-cut hooded floor length robe and a fore above the knee length skirt or slacks. A thin leather belt holds one dagger, just in case. With below the knee black high-heeled boots complete her ensemble.

Personality – Emmiline is a shy, thoughtful, and unsociable. She loves the adrenaline of a fight, but yet the calmness of reading a good book. She loves to get what she wants, but also loves the challenge of getting what she wants. After her mother's death, Emmiline became withdrawn, and even more unsociable, rarely talking to anyone. Always seen with Draco, Vixiana, and Syphira, she loves all creatures, evil, or good, dark or light, it's just people she doesn't like. She is always wary of her own kind, keeping enough distance that is polite.


STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES
Strengths – Swiftness - For quick attacks and to keep herself out of harm.
Intelligent - With a quick mind, to make easy or hard decision on the spot.
Unsociable – It helps her not being seen by others, or noticed.
Manipulative - To get what she wants, when she wants it, and her way.

Weaknesses – Hard to control, to her it's her way, or no way.
Unsociable – Although it is also a strength it is a weaknesses as it's hard for her to make friends, and to get new assignments
Light – Although she doesn't hate it, she' rather avoid it if she can, and stick to the shadow and darkness, and when she does go into the light, she pulls the hood of her robe over her head.


HISTORY - Born into a middle ranking family in the Bloodletter clan, Emmiline was raised to be a mercenary since she could walk, and hold a blade. She was taught by her mother till the age of 16 when her mother was murdered, the second parent she had lost fro her father died when she was little. After that Emmiline stopped being the happy joyous elf she was when her moth was alive. After her mother died,(comma) she made a vow to kill the murderer who had taken her mother from her. So now she has her mother's brother teaching her to fight and kill. He is the one who gives her the assignments, the poisons, is the one who she looks up to, who she depends on, she doesn't know what she would do if he was murdered as well.


WEAPONS - One Long Bow and Arrows - Used mostly to kill for food, or to kill quickly with out notice. Two R'unorian Commoners Daggers - Her most used weapon, usually used mostly at close range, she'll either throw one and use quick sharp jabs at the victim's body with the other.
(space)
One Blood Thirst - Her newest weapon, she's mostly still training with it, but will use it for practice, in easy fights, that require time.


BELONGINGS – She keeps on her person at all time, a light bag holding a few of her mothers loved possessions, some healing herbs, poisons, a map, and Ranlesh Venom.


FAMILIARS - Arshir (Red Fox) - Vixiana who is Emmiline's first ever friend, Emmiline would die with out Vixiana at her side. Emmiline and Vixiana first met after Emmiline's mothers death, Emmiline, dispairing, ran to the closest forest and met a stranger, the stranger had an Arshir with him. The stranger kept his hood covering his face. Emmiline stricken with grief did not even notice him and sat down on an old log. The Arshir saw her and ran toward her, laid her head on Emmiline's lap, startling her. Emmiline surprised jerked away. But the Arshir kept her head on Emmiline's lap. Emmiline, a bit wary, slowly laid her head of the Arshir's head, and began to pet her. Slowly gaining confidence she slid of the rock and sat on the ground, her back to the log. The Arshir climbed into Emmiline's lap and fell asleep, and Emmiline, comforted, shortly followed. The stranger smiled, whispered “Vixiana” and walked away. Ever since that day, Emmiline and the Arshir, later named “Vixiana” became inseparable.

White Common Ferret - Draco was a birthday gift from her uncle on her first kill. The White Ferret, later named “Draco” was first wary of Emmiline and Vixiana, but after seeing the Vixiana wasn't going to eat him, and Emmiline wasn't going to fed him to Vixiana, warmed up to them both. He became close with Emmiline, always either on her shoulders, wrapped around her neck, or in a pocket. He also became close with Vixiana, when he wasn't with Emmiline you can see him on Vixiana's back, or off chasing her tail and playing games.

Centoraurian horse - Syphira, the black Centoraurian horse who belonged to her mother, was very close to Emmiline. but not as close at Vixiana. Emmiline, a few days after her mothers death, approached the skittish horse, and attempted to ride her, (Emmiline's mother bought her for hobby only) and after being bucked of a few times, Emmiline succeeded. Now Syphira is always either following her, or carrying Emmiline to her assignments. She knows enough to stay far enough away from the danger, but close enough for Emmiline to get way.


That's just a quick read-through as I don't have time for too thorough of a check right now.

Have a nice day.
 heart Nox heart
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I plucked the petals one by one
and listened to the clock stop and stick
taa-tick ... taa-tick
Time stopped as I ruined beauty


...CD...
...Poetry...
...Art Work...
Emmiline
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« Reply #19 on: October 19, 2007, 05:15:02 AM »

@Rookie What you said about the past tense and what not, I get it when talking about her apperance, but what about history? Wouldn't I use past tense for that?

@Nox Belle
I fixed all that you pointed out, and what else I could see. Thanks greatly for the help.  :)

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Nox Belle
Macabre Marionette
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« Reply #20 on: October 19, 2007, 05:50:32 AM »

Yes. You'd use past tense in your history.
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I plucked the petals one by one
and listened to the clock stop and stick
taa-tick ... taa-tick
Time stopped as I ruined beauty


...CD...
...Poetry...
...Art Work...
Emmiline
New Santharian

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Posts: 13


« Reply #21 on: October 19, 2007, 06:42:56 AM »

Thought so, I was just getting confused. XD
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Emmiline
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« Reply #22 on: Yesterday at 04:21:36 AM »

Anything else I need to fix? grin
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