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- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Drake Wolven/ Eyelian/ Beastmaster  (Read 909 times)
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Drake Wolven
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Gender: Male
Posts: 34


« Reply #30 on: January 14, 2008, 03:06:12 PM »

Thanks. I have edited my CD
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #31 on: January 15, 2008, 05:51:03 PM »

All right, what I would like to see:

-You switch sometimes between past and present tense. The only place you really want past tense is your history, or when you have one sentence referring to the past. In your weaknesses for example,  you have 'would' a few times. Don't tell us what it or he 'would' do, tell us what it or he does.

- Pay attention not to make the wolves too intelligent. Yes, they are intelligent animals, but in the end still animals.

- About your leg: Usually, when a leg is just broken, they set the bone and let it heal, instead of amputating the limb. Might I suggest that the leg had been crushed during the fall, so that it was really necessary to amputate it? Amputation is really a last means, so the injury would have to be such that it could not be healed otherwise.

-Perhaps you can add a paragraph telling us about learning the language of birds? And which birds would also be a nice addition. A large part of the bird language is the notes used, and you're not going to tell me that a nightinggale uses the same notes as a sparrow ;) So you'll have to make a choice there, I'm afraid.

That's all I can remember. I'll come back when you've done these things :)
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Drake Wolven
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« Reply #32 on: January 19, 2008, 05:40:20 AM »

Thanks. I have edited the tenses, added another paragraph describing his learning of the bird language and added more details about his broken leg. However, I am not sure how I made Wolf too intelligent and how I can make him less intelligent. Can you please clarify?
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Kalína Mërénwèn
Bringer of Song and Dreams
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Elf, Mélad'rhím/ Injerín


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« Reply #33 on: January 19, 2008, 10:55:47 AM »

We generally prefer you to avoid using decimals when referring to height and weight, especially since a converter is provided for your use.
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Lady Kalina
Drake Wolven
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Posts: 34


« Reply #34 on: January 19, 2008, 02:42:17 PM »

Thanks. I have changed that
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Kalína Mërénwèn
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Elf, Mélad'rhím/ Injerín


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« Reply #35 on: January 20, 2008, 09:47:14 PM »

I think my only qualm at this point is some of the tense aspects Simonne pointed out. "Are be his" instances which appear periodically throughout his CD.

So, I would just suggest reading through it with a fine tooth comb (bottom to top) and fixing what you can find. Once you have done that, you should have my approval :)
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Lady Kalina
Simonne Miller
Guest
« Reply #36 on: January 20, 2008, 10:54:11 PM »

"Greetings to you, Mister Wolf."
"Thank you, brother."
"It is my duty, brother."
"I got lost with my clan. Can I follow you, brother?"

I copied here the things you or one of the wolves 'said'. However, being animals, they have little concept of family ties such as 'brother' or 'clan', let alone 'duty'. And yes, you can say that I don't know this for sure but you can take it from me, these are very human concepts. They understand the hunt, and social hierarchy, and enemies. They have a certain body language signs to signal that they are friendly, or submissive, or hostile, but I doubt very much that they have, say, a certain growl that signifies 'clan', or 'duty'. Do you understand what I mean with taking care to not make them too intelligent? Despite them being very intelligent and social animals, you should take care not to make them too human :)

Simonne
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