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Author Topic: Shin DragonGem / Dwarf; Kiingerim / Kavoninn Yabarrah and Hunter  (Read 402 times)
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Shin
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« on: December 25, 2007, 04:12:52 AM »

Name- Shin DragonGem

Sex- Male

Age- 150yrs old

Race- Dwarf

Tribe- Kiingerim

Occupation- Hunter

Title- Dragon Hammer

Height- 1 ped, 1 fore, 1/2 palmspan

Weight- 1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 4 Ods, 2 Mut.

Eyes Color- Black

Physical appearance-
                             Though old, Shin looks as if he is a young dwarf of 90yrs old. He is a stocky muscle built as many Dwarven Warriors. He has an always visible scar upon his right eye.  He walks with a slight limp. His skin is bronze and his hair is white. A long beard which almost reaches the ground, upon which are two vine bands at the end. He stands around 1 ped, 1 fore, 1/2 palmspan tall. His armor made of the finest Earth Drakemail Armor, which seems to have went through many battles though still pristine. The strong stench of blood is amidst as you come closer to this man as if he is fresh out of battle. Also as you come closer, you see that each scale upon his armor has a distinct ancient character, probably telling a story or just runes granting protection, which one is unknown. On his custom dwarven forged swift shield, the two coat of arms separated by a gold diagonal line. At the bottom half, the first coat of arms of Tyr Faerath. The top half is the Kiingerim coat of arms. He carries two pouches on his belt, from one, sticks out the heads of a pair of mimsies the other pouch are earthenware vials of Ranlesh Venom. Around his neck there hangs a pair of field-glasses. Strapped across his back is a rune-engrarved war hammer just small enough to be held in one hand instead of the normal two hand holding. He carries a bag, strapped around his left shoulder.

Behaviour- Shin is a talkative person in his surroundings, he quickly warms up to people. He is trustworthy (which comes from years of talking to many different races, mostly concerning trades or battles), honest, and a great listener making him a great friend and partner. He is usually alone in his travels, except for his loyal companions, which are his pets. He lives for the battle. Born a warrior,  he feels he should die as one. Believes everything happens for a reason. Often is seen raising either his mug in the pub or his war hammer and shield before battle calling upon the Trum-Baroll and the Un’Sthommerons to bless his wares. Too much pride in himself, which hinders him when he is badly hurt cause he will just act as nothing is wrong when he knows he should as for help.Too trustworthy, He trust everyone to fast. This may cause him to count on someone whom might not want to help him but kill him.

Strengths-
               
Skills in the martial arts-((( all help boost his endurance so he is able to take hard blows, his armor also helps alot))
                                           Doimo Brawling- learned from a Doimo
                                           Sanryu Mariksu (Martial Arts)- learned from a student in Ximax
                                           Extensive Hammer Warfare(which includes shielding only when needed while holding a hammer)- learned by himself
                                           Dwarf Wrestling- learned from playing with his twin
Skills in medicine-
                        Has some books from the Gnomes containing antivenins, antidotes, and allergy remedies.

                        Some notes from students of the Two Schools of Practice, which he studies for his own good

                        Has learned by himself how to treat cuts and slashes

                        Taught by a student about Sanryu( the principle, arts, and martial art)

Knows his Resources-
                              He read about the different resources from books and was taught about some by his parents.
               
Knows how to Read and Write Human, Dwarf, Gnome, and a little Elf-
                                                                                                 Learned from his Uncle Fir Bolg.
               

Weaknesses-
                   Too protective of his family and friends, driving him into battle without thought usually this is not good. Causing his loved ones to have the potential of getting hurt badly

                   Too much pride in himself, which hinders him when he is badly hurt cause he will just act as nothing is wrong when he knows he should as for help. This also keeps causes damage within his battles because he is busy boasting to himself or showing off in battle.

                    A hothead, when mad he goes on a rampage on everything and anything he sees. Sometimes causing loved ones to leave him alone. And often gets him into almost fatal positions.

                    Hardheadedness and Stubbornness, like pride, hinders him when he is badly hurt cause he won't listen to his loved ones when the want to get him to a healer. This is also why he suffers from a badly healed ankle.

                    His right ankle is badly healed. It was broken and was not cared for on account of his hardheadedness and stubbornness. He is not able to run at all.

                    Bad at dodging hits in battle, he tends to accumulate more damage than he dishes out. This causes badly broken bones and/or bruises.

                     
History-

           Shin DragonGem born during the month of Korimaril on Heorden. Born a twin, as most dwarves are. Shin lived in Tyr Faerath as a Trader and Hunter, though most females did the hunting where he lived. He studied lots of different books, mostly history books about past wars, and he even came up with a library of strategies, maps, and remedies. This library came together with the help of his Uncle Fir Bolg, whom was a Master Trader. His Uncle was the one in the family that talked more than one language and taught the rest of the family how to read and write. He was the son of a Singspeaker and a Mage. He learned how to do three crafts, but forgot two of them shortly after, only sticking with the craft of trading taught to him by his Uncle Fir. Shin and his twin, Gam DragonGem, were taught the same things at the same time. Only Gam kept up with the Singspeaking and Magic training. Ultimately, Gam decided his heart was in the Singspeaking profession, which he excelled in becoming the best in their generation.

 After a while, he doesn't remember what age but it was around the Time of Choosing he was given the title of Kavoninn Yabarrah. Before leaving he inherited a rune-engraved War Hammer from his father. On one side of the hammer it had the rune of Earth and on the other side the rune of Strive. The story behind the War Hammer lost with Shin's childhood memories. With that title, the war hammer, a inconspicuous bag and a pouch at his side containing two mimsies, named Roc and Urth, he left on his own journey, beyond the walls of the city. Many battles were fought, most wins... some draws. (To him a loss is considered death. Since he isn't dead he says he has no losses.)


 While on his journey he befriended a Doimo of the Nattrav clan, his name is not remembered but this is the person that taught him how Doimo Brawling. After some years training and learning this fighting style his friend died in battle against 10 orcs, we beat them but the last blow against the Doimo killed him some moments after the battle. That day still haunts Shin today. The Doimo's people gifted Shin with a Black Quagga Horse, for bringing back the body to the family. Shin didn't stay for the burial ceremony rather he thanked them and left on his way. Shin then traveled, not knowing which direction but still riding his Quagga Horse he named, Lýth’bél. The Quagga, was not able to be tamed so Shin let it go free while passing the Orcal Kingdom, after a fierce battle with some Orcs.

 From Aca-Santerra he caught ferry sailing northeast, stopping on the Isles of R'unor. Quickly leaving on another ferry going to Santharia, most specifically Ximax. Though brief, his stay in Ximax is was wondrous for him learning more about remedies even acquiring notebooks on different magics and notes on Sanryu from students in need of Zilef, which is most commonly known as Wizardweed. Shin gave students, of different schools and towers, a Scup of Wizardweed for their notebooks. One student from the Pyrunai Sanrier Institute gave Shin lessons in Sanryu Mariksu for the Zilef, which they smoked together. Shin never smoked again, feeling funny from the effects of the herb.
 
 From Ximax Shin traveled to Paelelon, unknowingly. He came upon some armed guards which he talked with and traded some wares with. As he walked through the Paelelon Forest he came to find a Eophyrhim's Hound with a sprained paw, as Shin nursed the hound a Dark Cleric Eophyrhim elf seen Shin. The Elf questioned Shin on his motives Shin saying " I only wanted to do what was right, looked like a strong hound to me healthy too." The elf nodded to noticing Shin did not judge him nor his pet. The Eophyrhim took Shin to a home made in the roots of one of the tallest trees Shin had ever seen before. For the night they did not talk, Shin slept in a comfortable bed and had a meal of cooked dear. The Dark Cleric Eophyrhim gifted Shin the hound Shin had helped, all healed. Shin offered the Eophyrhim some wares for his troubles, the Elf just shook his head and said " No my friend, you helped my friend there and i returned the favor, call me Kaballoi. If you come back just mention me and you will have safe passage through this forest." Shin nodded leaving with his new hound. Shin named the Hound after his new friend, Kaballoi. Shin then left with the hound.

 He left north from Paleleon Forest going towards the Goltherlon Forest. On arrival to this forest he came upon some Golgnomes, with which he traded 6 muts of deer hide and 2 small pouches of Burning Stones for 5 pouches of Sparkfire and 5 pouches of Fragsents. Also trading one Golgnome a Scup of Zelif and a gold bar for a book of antivenins, antidotes and allergy remedies. After a week of training his hound in the Goltherlon Forest he left northeast.
 
 He then left off making a stop in Central Santharia. While in Central Santharia he traded many things even coming upon a pair of field-glasses, which he got for trading a hobbit some Ringing Pipes for the field-glasses. He traveled onward through the rough terrain coming to the Prominent Mountains. While he was in the Prominent Mountains he visited the Kurakim Tribe. While he was there he went exploring one night and came upon a mine, being mischievous he inspected the mine. He found Ancient characters upon the mine's walls, armors, weapons, and other useful things. But the most wondrous and rarest things he seen while in the mine was a dead adult Earth Drake deep inside the mine. He foraged what he could leaving the precious jewels behind except for a bag of gold bars. He took the Earth Drake's hide to the smiths whom made armor and clothes out of it. He saved the parts of the meat that weren't rotten to eat. And from the bones he made some weapons which he sold for gold-bars. He then drew the characters he seen in the mines and had the smiths etch them into the individual scales of the armor. Shin paid the smiths with 3 bone staffs and 20 of the 100 gold-bars he took from the mine. Then he moved on going east.

Shin went on to the next Dwarven Tribe, the Imlith Dwarves. Settling he stayed here for along time. Having countless battles with the neighboring orcs. Shin has a pair of new mimsies, offsprings of his dearly departed ones. The new pair of mimsies are named Ursa and Mith. The hound is now well trained and loyal to Shin.

Weapons and Armor-
                               Rune-engraved War Hammer
                              Swift Shield
                               Earth Drakemail Armor
                               pouches of Sparkfire
                               pouches of Fragsents
Belongings-
                 Field-glasses
                 A bag
                 Books and notes regarding Medicines and Treatments
                 
Animals-
            Two Mimsies named Mith and Ursa
            Eophyrhim Hound named Kaballoi



« Last Edit: January 08, 2008, 11:39:45 PM by Twén Aråerwén » Logged
Eléyr Fásamár
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Elf, Kaýrr'hem


« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2007, 04:47:59 AM »

Hello, and Welcome to Santharia! Please use the correct posticon! (That would be either the pencil, if you're still working on it, or the excamation mark if you are ready for comments.) I'm going to assume your ready, and make comments in purple!

Name- Shin DragonGem

Sex- Male

Age- 150yrs old

Race- Dwarf

Tribe- Kiingerim

Occupation- Hunter

Title- Warrior

What does he look like- Though old he looks as if he is a young dwarf of 90yrs old, His skin is bronze and his hair is as black as the night's sky.He fashions a long beard which almost reaches the ground, upon which are two vine bands at the end.A man stands around 4'2 or 6 nailsbreadths before you, his armor made of the finest dragonmail which seems to have went through many battles though still prestine.The strong stench of blood is amist as you come closer to this man.Also as you come closer you see that each scale upon his armor has a distinct ancient character. Could you put spaces in between the periods, and the first letter of the next sentence in this section. Amidst is spelled amist here. Also a nailsbreadth is about a centimeter. Your character is actually 1 ped, 1 fore, 1/2 palmspan.

Weight- unknown (( haven't been able to weigh him since he does so much walking)))What is this supposed to mean? Can you just say how much he weighs?

Eyes Color-Black

Physical appearance- Shin is a stocky muscle built as many Dwarven Warriors. He has an always visible scar upon his right eye. He walks with a slight limp.His skin is bronze and his hair is white. A long beard which almost reaches the ground, upon which are two vine bands at the end.He stands around 6 nailsbreadths tall. His armor made of the finest dragonmail which seems to have went through many battles though still prestine.The strong stench of blood is amist as you come closer to this man.Also as you come closer you see that each scale upon his armor has a distinct ancient character.His eyes are a black. on his custom dwaven forged swift shield the is the two coat of arms separated by a gold diagonal line.at the bottom half, the first coat of arms of Tyr Faerath. The top half is the Kiingerim coat of arms.Carries two pouches from one sticks out a head of two mimsies the other pouch are earthenware vials of Ranlesh Venom.Around his neck hangs a pair of field-glasses. strapped across his back is a rune-encarved War Hammer just large enough to be held in one hand instead of the normal two hand holding. he carries a magical bag, strapped around his left shoulder.

Behaviour- Shin is a talkative person in new surroundings, he quickly warms up to people. he is a great friend and partner. he is usually alone in his travels except for his loyal companions. he lives for the battle. born a warrior and he feels he should die as one. Believes everything happens for a reason.       (( thats all i can come up with right now, sorry))   Here you could talk about what he enjoys doing, why he is a good friend or partner. Does your character worship any of the Santharian deities?

Strengths-
                skilled in the three martial arts -You list four martial arts here... Also two of which are orcish techniques. Since you are a dwarf, you would need a very good reason for learning them.
 Doimo Brawling
 Losh-Oc'B'rak Fighting
 Orcish Warfare
 Sanryu Mariksu (Martial Arts)
               partly skilled in medicine-
has some books from the Gnomes which he traded 9 Mut. of rock lizard leather for
some notes from students of the Two Schools of Practice, which he studies for his own good
has learned how to treat cuts and slashes
has been taught by Healers and Shamans about the many different fever reducers
and decided to do research into and study Sanryu and the arts,martial,theory and principles of it
                Knows his Resources ((he is a dwarf it is only right that he should know about rocks))
                Level 3 in magic
Weaknesses-
                   cannot swim
                   too protective
                   too much pride
                   too trustworthy
                   not very good at leading, unless its himself and his pets(companions)
                   has no true destination, a nomad warrior
                   (( i don't know what else is considered a weakness so I will read some other threads))
                                        
History-
            Shin DragonGem born during the month of Korimaril on Heorden.Shin lived in Tyr Faerath as a Trader and Hunter, though most females did the hunting where he lived. He studied lots of different books and came up with a library. He was the son of a Singspeaker and a Mage. He learned how to do both crafts yet his twin Gam DragonGem decided to be a Singspeaker. After a while he doesn't remember what age but it was around the Time of Choosing he was given the title of Kavoninn Yabarrah. Before leaving he inherited a rune-encarved War Hammer from his father, the story behind the War Hammer lost with Shin's childhood memories. With that title,his armor, the war hammer, a unconspicous bag and a pouch at his side containing two mimsies, named Roc and Urth, he left on his own journey, beyond the walls of the city. Many battles were fought, most wins... some draws.

While on his journey he befriended a Doimo of the Nattrav clan, his name is not remembered but this is the person that taught him how Doimo Brawling. After some years training and learning this fighting style his friend died in battle against 10 orcs, we beat them but the last blow against the Doimo killed him some moments after the battle. That day still haunts Shin today.The Doimo's people gifted Shin with a Black Quagga Horse, for bringing back the body to the family.Shin didn't stay for the burial ceremony rather he thanked them and left on his way.

Shin then traveled, not knowing which direction but still riding Quagga Horse he named, Mortil. As he traveled he traded many things getting very exotic things such as a many earthenware vials  Ranlesh Venom, field-glasses, Medicine notes/books, even getting taught in technique/theory called Sanryu.
Shin learned Losh-Oc'B'rak Fighting and Orcish Warfare by watching nearby Orcs from trees, hints that the practices were occuring from a human whom died nearby. Shin stayed in the tree for two years feeding on insects and small animals. I'm pretty sure that he would need some actual instruction, not just spying, in order to learn these arts.

Weapons and Armor-
                               Rune-encarved War Hammer
                               Swift Shield
                               Dragonmail Armor
                              
Belongings-
                 Field-glasses
                 Unconspicous magical bag, bottomless
                 Books and notes regarding Medicines and Treatments
                 Books and Notes regarding Basic and Elemental Magic Spells, mostly Earth
Animals-
            Two Mimsies named Roc and Urth What is a mimsie? I'm pretty sure they don't exist here.
            Quagga Horse named Mortil

*** hope this is balanced enough and i am in need of major help if it is any suggestions i am really open for critiscism***
I'm very sorry, but balance is definitely not the case. Generally, a combination of weapon skills, and magic is not allowed. I would recomend dropping magic, as having it will only make the approval process much longer. Basically you have four major skills: magic, weapon skills, healing, and  martial arts. I would strongly recomend picking a single one of these to specialise in.

** didn't know how to use the measurement changer sorry he is 4'2 if that up there isn't the right measurement***The measure converter only works for the metric system. I put the actual measure in up by your appearance section.
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"You are my servant. You are my love. You are my peace. You are mine." ~ Eyasha speaks in a dream to Eléyr Fásamár
Shin
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« Reply #2 on: December 25, 2007, 08:26:23 AM »

((OOC: changes made anyone wanna help criticize... cause there is an awful lotta looking and no helping except for you Mi'lady... i put this in parentheses cause i want to stay in chr. all the time if i am writing... i will try not to waver from my true goal... which is to become a better RPer all around ))
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #3 on: December 25, 2007, 12:51:51 PM »

Just a quick note before you lose your patience: please remember that you might not get many comments on Christmas day, or the following days for that matter. I myself have not the time to read and comment on any CD right now, and I doubt I'm the only one. That being said, I will return when I have the time. Until then, good day and Merry Christmas :)
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Simonne Miller
Seh'nara Celebrindal
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Elf, Tethinrhim


« Reply #4 on: December 25, 2007, 01:17:42 PM »

Hello Shin, and welcome to Santharia! Today, seeing as it's Christmas, I shall comment on your Strengths and Weaknesses in red.

Strengths-
                skilled in the three martial arts -
 Doimo Brawling
 Sanryu Mariksu (Martial Arts) (You list two here. I also notice that you carry a war hammer with you. If you have any skill with that too, you'll have to list that as a strength.)
               partly skilled in medicine-
has some books from the Gnomes which he traded 9 Mut. of rock lizard leather for (What has these particular books gotta do with medicine? Elaborate please. Also, if you know how to read and write, it also is counted a strength, as your char is compared to an average peasant, and most peasants have no education.)
some notes from students of the Two Schools of Practice, which he studies for his own good
has learned how to treat cuts and slashes
has been taught by Healers and Shamans about the many different fever reducers
and decided to do research into and study Sanryu and the arts,martial,theory and principles of it
                Knows his Resources ((he is a dwarf it is only right that he should know about rocks))

(In your history, you say that you have a shield as well. Shielding requires skill; you'll have to put that in. I also note that you say that you have learnt the craft of mages and singspeaking. Assuming that you have weapon skills, that's absolutely unacceptable. Weapon and magic is not allowed. In addition, you also have to have a magic section if you plan on becoming a mage.)
               
Weaknesses-
                   cannot swim (Like I said above, you're compared to an average peasant. Not many can swim, so this weakness is not acceptable I'm afraid.)
                   too protective (Protective of what?)
                   too much pride (How does this hinder him?)
                   too trustworthy (How does this count as a weakness?)
                   not very good at leading, unless its himself and his pets(companions) (Erm, I'm sorry, but exactly how is this a weakness? I think that this would be more of a personality quirk than an actual weakess.)
                   has no true destination, a nomad warrior (Again, how is this a weakness?)
             
Please define your S&Ws with a few short sentences. The normally accepted format for S&Ws is [strength/weaknesses] - [reason]. I can also safely say that you are overpowered, and too young to have so many skills. (Assuming you really mean it about the mage and singspeaking.) I'd advise you to either tone down on your stregths or add more weaknesses.

Good luck!
Seh'nara
                         
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2007, 02:39:38 PM »

I have changed your status to work in progress until you have addressed Seh'nara's comments :)
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Simonne Miller
Shin
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« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2007, 10:12:29 AM »

new changes made.... how bout now??? anyone???
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Shin
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« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2007, 08:02:18 PM »

just wanted to know if i should work the story out more???? and hello Seh'nara... i see your reading... hope its good enough
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Kalína Mërénwèn
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« Reply #8 on: December 28, 2007, 08:25:19 PM »

Patience, Patience. We all have lives we are struggling to keep upright as well as working on this, especially with pesky relatives and sick cats and Avá knows what else.

I will give you a look through momentarily, as I noticed things right off.
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Eléyr Fásamár
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Elf, Kaýrr'hem


« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2007, 08:55:12 PM »

I do not have time to comment on the whole thing, since it is my birthday, and I am going out to eat, but I will give the strengths and below, a look through. I would just like to mention that personal messaging me will not get you an approval, as I am not a mod. My comments will be in Purple


Strengths-
               
Skills in the martial arts-
                                           Doimo Brawling
                                           Sanryu Mariksu (Martial Arts)
                                           Extensive Hammer Warfare(which includes shielding only when needed while holding a hammer)
                                           Dwarf Wrestling
Skills in medicine-
                                   Has some books from the Gnomes containing antivenins, antidotes, and allergy remedies.

                                   Some notes from students of the Two Schools of Practice, which he studies for his own good

                                   Has learned by himself how to treat cuts and slashes

                                   Has been taught by Healers and Shamans about the many different fever reducers
                                   Decided to do research into and study Sanryu and the arts,martial,theory and principles of it
               
Knows his Resources ((he is a dwarf it is only right that he should know about rocks))
               
Knows how to Read Human, Dwarf, Gnome, and a little Elf
               
Knows how to Write Human, Dwarf, Gnome, and a little Elf

Weaknesses-
                   Too protective of his family and friends, driving him into battle without thought usually this is not good. Causing his loved ones to have the potential of getting hurt badly.
                   
                   Too much pride in himself, which hinders him when he is badly hurt cause he will just act as nothing is wrong when he knows he should as for help.
                   
                    Too trustworthy, He trust everyone to fast. This may cause him to count on someone whom might not want to help him but kill him.
                     
                     A hothead, when mad he goes on a rampage on everything and anything he sees. Sometimes causing loved ones to leave him alone.

                     Hard headedness and Stubborness, like pride, hinders him when he is badly hurt cause he won't listen to his loved ones when the want to get him to a healer.
The main problem I see here is balance. You are knowledgable, good at fighting, and healing. This would be okay, except for the fact that you balance it with slight personality quirks, that really just make it diffucult in an RPG environment. All of your weaknesses are essentially making you bad at working with other people. This can be very frustrating when the stories most often envolve people working together. I would suggest taking away some of your strengths. Some people's characters are just healers, and nothing else. Doesn't it seem a little unfair if you can heal, and fight?

                     

History-
            Shin DragonGem born during the month of Korimaril on Heorden.Shin lived in Tyr Faerath as a Trader and Hunter, though most females did the hunting where he lived. He studied lots of different books and came up with a library. He was the son of a Singspeaker and a Mage. He learned how to do both crafts, but forgot them shortly after. Yet his twin Gam DragonGem decided to be a Singspeaker. After a while he doesn't remember what age but it was around the Time of Choosing he was given the title of Kavoninn Yabarrah. Before leaving he inherited a rune-encarved War Hammer from his father, the story behind the War Hammer lost with Shin's childhood memories. With that title,his armor, the war hammer, a unconspicous bag and a pouch at his side containing two mimsies, named Roc and Urth, he left on his own journey, beyond the walls of the city. Many battles were fought, most wins... some draws.

While on his journey he befriended a Doimo of the Nattrav clan, his name is not remembered but this is the person that taught him how Doimo Brawling. After some years training and learning this fighting style his friend died in battle against 10 orcs, we beat them but the last blow against the Doimo killed him some moments after the battle. That day still haunts Shin today.The Doimo's people gifted Shin with a Black Quagga Horse, for bringing back the body to the family.Shin didn't stay for the burial ceremony rather he thanked them and left on his way.

Shin then traveled, not knowing which direction but still riding his Quagga Horse he named, Mortil. As he traveled he traded many things getting very exotic things such as a many earthenware vials  Ranlesh Venom, field-glasses, Medicine notes/books, even getting taught in technique/theory called Sanryu.
Shin is over 100 years old. What has he been doing all of his life? If you can not think of more ideas elaborate on the ones you have now. You could possibly talk specifically about more places he traveled. The point is we can not come up with the ideas for you. Let your creativity flow, and maybe use the history to help him acquire another weakness...

Weapons and Armor-
                               Rune-encarved War Hammer
                               Swift Shield
                               Dragonmail Armor
                               
Belongings-
                 Field-glasses
                 Unconspicous magical bag, bottomlessMost magic items are not allowed to be possesed. I am not an expert though, but you may want to consider changing this to a normal bag.
                 Books and notes regarding Medicines and Treatments
                 
Animals-
            Two Mimsies named Roc and Urth
            Quagga Horse named Mortil

*** a mimsy is in an animal and yes it is in these worlds look in the compendium its in the bestiary under wild animals under martens/weasels.... thank you for noticing... the plural form of Mimsy is Mimsies if i read correctly but i could be wrong... i was looking and reading trying to come up with this all day today *** Sorry about that. I am also a little new  here, and have not memorised the bestiary. I think that it would be helpful if you would describe, what your animals look like, and how they act.

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« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2007, 09:07:12 PM »

Name- Shin DragonGem

Sex- Male

Age- 150yrs old

Race- Dwarf

Tribe- Kiingerim

Occupation- Hunter

Title- Dragon Hammer

What does he look like- Though old(comma) he looks as if he is a young dwarf of 90 years. His skin is bronze and his hair is as black as the night's sky.(space)He fashions a long beard(comma) which almost reaches the ground, upon which are two vine bands at the end.(space)A man stands around 1 ped, 1 fore, 1/2 palmspan before you, his armor made of the finest dragonmail (just for the record, this mail is likely to be EXCEEDINGLY difficult to obtain, if not nearly impossible as dragons are considered mythical - but we have drakes which are smaller and tend to be more common - and millions of goldbars expensive. How in the world does he have it? It needs to be explained in the history and I doubt it would've been inherited.) which seems to have went through many battles though still pristine.The strong stench of blood is amist as you come closer to this man.(space)Also as you come closer you see that each scale upon his armor has a distinct ancient character.

You give his personal appearance twice...why?

Weight- 170lbs or 1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 4 Ods, 2 Mut.

Eyes Color-Black

Physical appearance- Shin is a stocky muscle built as many Dwarven Warriors. He has an always visible scar upon his right eye. He walks with a slight limp.His skin is bronze and his hair is white. A long beard which almost reaches the ground, upon which are two vine bands at the end. He stands around(space)1 ped, 1 fore, 1/2 palmspan tall. His armor made of the finest dragonmail (just for the record, this mail is likely to be EXCEEDINGLY difficult to obtain, if not nearly impossible as dragons are considered mythical - but we have drakes which are smaller and tend to be more common - and millions of goldbars expensive. How in the world does he have it? It needs to be explained in the history and I doubt it would've been inherited.) which seems to have went through many battles though still pristine.

The strong stench of blood is amidst(comma) as you come closer to this man. Also as you come closer(comma) you see that each scale upon his armor has a distinct ancient character. (What do you mean by this? As I explained above about his armor)His eyes are a black. On his custom dwarven forged swift shield(comma) the is(delete) the two coat of arms are separated by a gold diagonal line.(Space)At the bottom half, the first coat of arms of Tyr Faerath. The top half is the Kiingerim coat of arms. He carries two pouches from one(comma) sticks out a head of two mimsies the other pouch are earthenware vials of Ranlesh Venom. Around his neck hangs a pair of field-glasses. Strapped across his back is a rune-engraved War Hammer(doesn't need to be capitalized) just small enough to be held in one hand instead of the normal two hand holding. He carries a magical bag, strapped around his left shoulder. (What does this magical bag do? How did he obtain it? What is its purpose? Could not a normal bag do its purpose? Also, magical items are restricted without special permission from the administration, as they over power characters needlessly.)

Behaviour- Shin is a talkative person in new surroundings, he quickly warms up to people. He is trustworthy, honest, and a great listener making him a great friend and partner.  He is usually alone in his travels(comma) except for his loyal companions, which are his animals. He lives for the battle. Born a warrior(comma) he feels he should die as one. Believes everything happens for a reason. Often is seen raising either his mug in the pub or his war hammer and shield before battle calling upon the Trum-Baroll and the Un’Sthommerons to bless his wares.

Strengths-
               
Skills in the martial arts-
                                           Doimo Brawling
                                           Sanryu Mariksu (Martial Arts)
                                           Extensive Hammer Warfare(which includes shielding only when needed while holding a hammer)
                                           Dwarf Wrestling
Skills in medicine-
                                   Has some books from the Gnomes containing antivenins, antidotes, and allergy remedies. How did you obtain these books? Books, though more common than they used to be, are still very expensive and rare beyond the very wealthy and libraries. (See comment regarding reading and writing below.)

                                   Some notes from students of the Two Schools of Practice, which he studies for his own good

                                   Has learned by himself how to treat cuts and slashes

                                   Has been taught by Healers and Shamans about the many different fever reducers
                                   Decided to do research into and study Sanryu and the arts,martial,theory and principles of it
               
Knows his Resources ((he is a dwarf it is only right that he should know about rocks)) Not necessarily! Everyone has to be taught these things, even those who are "supposed" to know. Everyone is a child once.
               
Knows how to Read Human, Dwarf, Gnome, and a little Elf This is quite a feat. Who taught him to read and write? From what I can tell, he is not from a privileged family, nor did he spend any time with anyone specific to be taught this. If he is a warrior, why would he take the time to learn to read and write? Would not battle techniques be more logical?
               
Knows how to Write Human, Dwarf, Gnome, and a little Elf

Weaknesses-
                   Too protective of his family and friends, driving him into battle without thought usually this is not good. Causing his loved ones to have the potential of getting hurt badly. This is a personality trait, not a weakness.
               
   
                   Too much pride in himself, which hinders him when he is badly hurt cause he will just act as nothing is wrong when he knows he should as for help. Personality trait, not a weakness.
                   
                    Too trustworthy, He trust everyone to fast. This may cause him to count on someone whom might not want to help him but kill him. Personality trait, not a weakness.
                     
                     A hothead, when mad he goes on a rampage on everything and anything he sees. Sometimes causing loved ones to leave him alone.

                     Hardheadedness and Stubborness, like pride, hinders him when he is badly hurt cause he won't listen to his loved ones when the want to get him to a healer.

No physical weakness? No fears? No true hindrances? You give personality traits for nearly all your weaknesses. None of them really do much in the way of giving others a way to possibly best him. Everyone has their Achilles heal, and I do not see one from you. From what I can tell of your character, he belongs in a school or library, not a battlefield.

                     

History-
            Shin DragonGem born during the month of Korimaril on Heorden.(space) You should mention he was born a twin here.Shin lived in Tyr Faerath as a Trader and Hunter, though most females did the hunting where he lived. He studied lots of different books and came up with a library. How? Where did he obtain the money and resources for a library? I explained before that books were both rare and expensive. Also, why would he be collecting them if he cannot read them? He was the son of a Singspeaker and a Mage. He learned how to do both crafts, but forgot them shortly after. I don't think you quite understand the training it takes to become a mage or be taught magic. It isn't something you can simply learn overnight or a couple years of general training. I would simply omit the part that he learned them. Yet his twin(comma) Gam DragonGem decided to be a Singspeaker. After a while(comma) he doesn't remember what age(comma) but it was around the Time of Choosing he was given the title of Kavoninn Yabarrah. Before leaving he inherited a rune-engraved war hammer from his father, You haven't explained what runes/words on this 'rune-engraved hammer'. the story behind the War Hammer lost with Shin's childhood memories. With that title,(space)his armor, the war hammer, a inconspicuous bag and a pouch at his side containing two mimsies, named Roc and Urth, he left on his own journey, beyond the walls of the city. Many battles were fought, most wins... some draws.

While on his journey he befriended a Doimo of the Nattrav clan, his name is not remembered but this is the person that taught him how Doimo Brawling. After some years training and learning this fighting style his friend died in battle against 10 orcs, we beat them but the last blow against the Doimo killed him some moments after the battle. That day still haunts Shin today.(space)The Doimo's people gifted Shin with a Black Quagga Horse, for bringing back the body to the family.(space)Shin didn't stay for the burial ceremony rather he thanked them and left on his way.

Shin then traveled, not knowing which direction but still riding his Quagga Horse he named, Mortil. As he traveled he traded many things getting very exotic things such as a many earthenware vials  Ranlesh Venom, field-glasses, Medicine notes/books, even getting taught in technique/theory called Sanryu.

As I mentioned all throughout your CD, you have a lot of things you have left unexplained and illogical. Please correct this in your history.

Weapons and Armor-
                               Rune-encarved War Hammer
                               Swift Shield
                               Dragonmail Armor
                               
Belongings-
                 Field-glasses
                 Inconspicuous magical bag, bottomless
                 Books and notes regarding Medicines and Treatments
                 
Animals-
            Two Mimsies named Roc and Urth
            Quagga Horse named Mortil

*** a mimsy is in an animal and yes it is in these worlds look in the compendium its in the bestiary under wild animals under martens/weasels.... thank you for noticing... the plural form of Mimsy is Mimsies if i read correctly but i could be wrong... i was looking and reading trying to come up with this all day today *** (you don't need this, as most of us know this)
« Last Edit: December 28, 2007, 09:09:58 PM by Kalína Mërénwèn » Logged

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« Reply #11 on: December 29, 2007, 03:18:49 AM »

Name- Shin DragonGem

Sex- Male

Age- 150yrs old

Race- Dwarf

Tribe- Kiingerim

Occupation- Hunter

Title- Dragon Hammer

What does he look like- Though old he looks as if he is a young dwarf of 90yrs old, His skin is bronze and his hair is as black as the night's sky.He fashions a long beard which almost reaches the ground, upon which are two vine bands at the end.A man stands around 1 ped, 1 fore, 1/2 palmspan before you, his armor made of the finest dragonmail which seems to have went through many battles though still prestine.The strong stench of blood is amist as you come closer to this man.Also as you come closer you see that each scale upon his armor has a distinct ancient character.

Weight- 170lbs or 1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 4 Ods, 2 Mut.

Eyes Color-Black

Physical appearance- Shin is a stocky muscle built as many Dwarven Warriors. He has an always visible scar upon his right eye. He walks with a slight limp.His skin is bronze and his hair is white (i thought you said it was black). A long beard which almost reaches the ground, upon which are two vine bands at the end. He stands around1 ped, 1 fore, 1/2 palmspan tall. His armor made of the finest dragonmail (dragonmail is nearly impossible to get... better point it out how he got it)which seems to have went through many battles though still prestine. The strong stench of blood is amidst as you come closer to this man (so this means what? he doesn't clean his armor? definitely not a good thing). Also as you come closer you see that each scale upon his armor has a distinct ancient character. His eyes are a(cancel 'a') black. On his custom dwaven forged swift shield the is the two coat of arms separated by a gold diagonal line.at the bottom half, the first coat of arms of Tyr Faerath. The top half is the Kiingerim coat of arms. Carries two pouches from one sticks out a head of two mimsies the other pouch are earthenware vials of Ranlesh Venom(huh? clerer descriptions please). Around his neck (he) hangs a pair of field-glasses (i'm not sure if they got field glasses.. but if there is, pretend i didnt say anythin, 'kay?). Strapped across his back is a rune-encarved ( i think you mean engraved or just carved)War Hammer just large enough to be held in one hand instead of the normal two hand holding. He carries a magical bag (what magical bag?? elaborate pls), strapped around his left shoulder.

Behaviour- Shin is a talkative person in new surroundings( cancel out in new surroundings, cus it kinda sounds like he's talkative in only new surroundings), he quickly warms up to people. He is trustworthy, honest, and a great listener making him a great friend and partner.  He is usually alone in his travels except for his loyal companions, which are (cancel which are)his animals (i think pet would be a better word). he lives for the (cancel the)battle. Born a warrior and he feels he should die as one ( i think you would like to work on this sentence. It sounds kinda weird). Believes everything happens for a reason (elaborate please). Often is seen (is often seen)raising either his mug in the pub or his war hammer and shield before battle calling upon the Trum-Baroll and the Un’Sthommerons to bless his wares.(might want to rephrase this sentence. It sounds like he is raising his mug and hammer like every 5 seconds.)

Strengths-
               
Skills in the (cancel the)martial arts-
                                           Doimo Brawling
                                           Sanryu Mariksu (Martial Arts)
                                           Extensive Hammer Warfare(which includes shielding only when needed while holding a hammer)
                                           Dwarf Wrestling(elaborate on every one of these. where did he learn them? how did he learn them?)
Skills in medicine-
                                   Has some books from the Gnomes(how did he get a gnome book? and how did he learn to read it?) containing antivenins, antidotes, and allergy remedies.

                                   Some notes from students of the Two Schools of Practice, which he studies for his own good

                                   Has learned by himself how to treat cuts and slashes

                                   Has been taught by Healers and Shamans about the many different fever reducers
                                   Decided to do research into and study Sanryu and the arts,martial,theory and principles of it
               
Knows his Resources ((he is a dwarf it is only right that he should know about rocks))
               
Knows how to Read Human, Dwarf, Gnome, and a little Elf
               
Knows how to Write Human, Dwarf, Gnome, and a little Elf

Weaknesses-
                   Too protective of his family and friends, driving him into battle without thought usually this is not good. Causing his loved ones to have the potential of getting hurt badly.
                   
                   Too much pride in himself, which hinders him when he is badly hurt cause he will just act as nothing is wrong when he knows he should as for help.
                   
                    Too trustworthy, He trust everyone to fast. This may cause him to count on someone whom might not want to help him but kill him.
                     
                     A hothead, when mad he goes on a rampage on everything and anything he sees. Sometimes causing loved ones to leave him alone.

                     Hard headedness and Stubborness, like pride, hinders him when he is badly hurt cause he won't listen to his loved ones when the want to get him to a healer.

                     

History-
            Shin DragonGem born during the month of Korimaril on Heorden.Shin lived in Tyr Faerath as a Trader and Hunter, though most females did the hunting where he lived. He studied lots of different books and came up with a library. He was the son of a Singspeaker and a Mage. He learned how to do both crafts, but forgot them shortly after. Yet his twin Gam DragonGem decided to be a Singspeaker. After a while he doesn't remember what age but it was around the Time of Choosing he was given the title of Kavoninn Yabarrah. Before leaving he inherited a rune-encarved War Hammer from his father, the story behind the War Hammer lost with Shin's childhood memories. With that title,his armor, the war hammer, a unconspicous bag and a pouch at his side containing two mimsies, named Roc and Urth, he left on his own journey, beyond the walls of the city. Many battles were fought, most wins... some draws.

While on his journey he befriended a Doimo of the Nattrav clan, his name is not remembered but this is the person that taught him how Doimo Brawling. After some years training and learning this fighting style his friend died in battle against 10 orcs, we beat them but the last blow against the Doimo killed him some moments after the battle. That day still haunts Shin today.The Doimo's people gifted Shin with a Black Quagga Horse, for bringing back the body to the family.Shin didn't stay for the burial ceremony rather he thanked them and left on his way.

Shin then traveled, not knowing which direction but still riding his Quagga Horse he named, Mortil. As he traveled he traded many things getting very exotic things such as a many earthenware vials  Ranlesh Venom, field-glasses, Medicine notes/books, even getting taught in technique/theory called Sanryu.

Weapons and Armor-
                               Rune-encarved War Hammer
                               Swift Shield
                               Dragonmail Armor
                               
Belongings-
                 Field-glasses
                 Unconspicous magical bag, bottomless
                 Books and notes regarding Medicines and Treatments
                 
Animals-
            Two Mimsies named Roc and Urth
            Quagga Horse named Mortil

*** a mimsy is in an animal and yes it is in these worlds look in the compendium its in the bestiary under wild animals under martens/weasels.... thank you for noticing... the plural form of Mimsy is Mimsies if i read correctly but i could be wrong... i was looking and reading trying to come up with this all day today ***

okay... you got a lot of work to do. i didnt cover all your mistakes, just all those really obvious ones. remember that descriptions and elaborations are important. and your s&w is way outbalanced. your strengths is like, an unstoppable fighting machine that will never lose while not really having any weaknesses to counter it. well, all wins and some draws is just impossible. battles and fights are impossible to win every round. all in all, your character is seriously overpowered, and is what i would say, a "demi-god character". hope i helped. :P
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His pride never wavers.
He is tough as iron.
He is as steady as a mountain.
He is Rutami Goodmountain, the Iron Mountain.

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« Reply #12 on: December 29, 2007, 04:19:11 AM »

Rutimi...color is nice...just thought i would say...

@Shin perhaps a disability would be good along with something that hampers another thing. Something like lost fingers would hamper his ability to grip things. stuff like that are always good.
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Niccoli Faust
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« Reply #13 on: December 29, 2007, 06:28:01 AM »

Since no one has mentioned it, the magical bag constitutes and artifact and is therefore banned.
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Rutami Goodmountain
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« Reply #14 on: December 29, 2007, 08:36:44 AM »

i cant figure out how to color things yet then lol... now i only know how to make words bold italic and underline... :P
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He is tough as iron.
He is as steady as a mountain.
He is Rutami Goodmountain, the Iron Mountain.

Rutami Goodmountain
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