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- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Gradual/Rhulran/Spellcaster  (Read 195 times)
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Gradual
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« on: May 22, 2008, 07:53:55 AM »

Name: Gradual Delt
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Race: Human
Tribe: Rhulran Men (He left the village he grew up in and went to Ximax)
Occupation: Spellcaster
Title: Inferno Spellcaster

Appearance:

Height: 2 peds

Hair Colour:
Gradual has brown eagle-shaped hair.

Eye colour:
Gradual has emerald green eyes.

Physical appearance:
Gradual has bronze skin and is not muscular. His skin is slender and his face circular. He looks like an average Rhulran. His circular face is a bit of a sphere, with his bright green eyes,  short blunt nose, and expressionless mouth, he doesn't look too old. His skin is as scaly as a snake.

Clothing:
He wears ruby-red leather shirt, sky-blue leather trousers, a black pointed hat, a bronze belt, shadow-black shoes and an emerald gem pendant. He choses these clothes to wear because they let him move quite freely. The pednant, which is his most precious treasure, was the only thing that reminds him of his past - this thing is passed down from his family from generations to generations.

Personality:
Gradual is a kind and friendly man, but his temper is as bad as hell.
His eyes are those of an eagle , and he is as friendly as a bird to it's young. His mind is as sharp as a needle, and his word is as truthful as a non-fiction book. He is quite short in temper and hates if disturbed from his work. If he is disturbed from his work, he'll just set something on fire to warn people to stay away.

Possessions:
1. A farm (you might see that this was on fire when Gradual was 34. This is true, but Gradual took out the remains of the farm and set off for Ximax.)
Besides this, his clothing and weapons, there is barely anymore things he owns.

Weapons:
A common Quarterstaff made out of Oak.

Magic:
Taught in the fire magic school Ximax, Gradual can cast firebolts, control flames, summon a barrier of fire, fire globes of fire (fire blast) and Control flame temperature. His basic element is fire. He once thought water but then changed his mind and took fire instead remembering how easily the travelling fire mage extinguished the inferno.(See. History) He has a 4 year experience in magic which means he has level 3 magic. His knowledge of magic is quite wide and to cast spells, he leaves his mind blank and focus on what he he is going to do.

History:
Gradual was born in a little farm that belongs to his parents.
He grew up to be a fine lad, until, one day when Gradual was out fishing, an inferno started in his father's barn. His father was in the barn and was unaware of this (because he fell asleep in his work as usual + his mother divorced his father, so Gradual's father is the only person in the farm). When Gradual arrived home, fire is everywhere in his family's farm, killing every living thing inside it. It was too late to do anything for his family, but still Gradual tried to extinguish the flames the moment he got there but the flames would not burn out until a travelling fire mage came and extinguished the inferno at once.
Gradual saw this and thought over this and as he does not want to lose anything again, he trained to become a fire mage. Before he set of for Ximax, he searched for the one thing he had left. Miraculously, His pendant is not touched by a single flame. Now that he has his pendant he set off for Ximax. Just at the gates of his home, a white mare blocked the gates. This mare was Proximate- (see familiars). Proximate seemed lost. Understanding that the mare has also lost his family, Gradual couldn't help but signaled the horse to follow him, and gave Proximate comfort. They became close friends and knew exactly how each other was thinking. When they finally reached Ximax by ship, the mare won't leave him so he had to train him after school hours (Proximate went on the ship as well). Now he stays in Ximax as he wants to master magic.

Strength:
- The highest advantage is in a vast sandy dessert in the middle of the day (This improves his offensive power.)
-Temper. His temper is as bad as hell and this might give him an energy boost.
-Kindness. Despite his bad temper, he is espescially kind to people of his village and this Helps him get help easily.

Weakness:
- The cold. There's nothing he hated more than the cold. It decreases his  offensive power. Still the cold is a fatal weakness and could possibly kill him.
-eyesight. His eyesight is superbad. His accuracy is really bad and to easily hit an opponent, he needs to "hear" or "feel" the enemy's movements. He could easily do this because if his eyesight is bad, he could just concentrate on his enemy's movements. But this might take a long time and leave him vulnerable.
-Temper. His bad temper could be a bad disadvantage as well. People might not understand him when he gets angry and he would be treated like an outcast.

Familiars:
Gradual has a horse called Proximate always ready to help whenever needed. Proximate is a white mare that is aged at 15. Here is Proximate's data:

Gender: Male
Age: 15
Colour: White
Type: mare

Proximate is strong and agile, and he's always full of stamina & energy, ready to help and transport Gradual.
Proximate might as well be patient but can hurt anyone who tries to harm him or Gradual.
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 05:17:46 AM by Twén Aråerwén » Logged
Mannix
Ranger of Shadow
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Gender: Male
Posts: 168


Elf, Aellenrhim


« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2008, 11:41:33 AM »

Hi Gradual, welcome to Santharia!
First of all you should make the title of this thread your name/tribe/occupation, so Gradual/Rhulran/Peasant
Secondly, You will need to expand this check the ling in my signature called CD help, click here.  Your description should be split into seperate sections, shown in the CD help page.  These are:
Appearance
Height
Weight
(but this is optional)
Hair Colour
Eye Colour
Physical Appearance
Clothing

You have no personality, this is vital for approval.  Your magic should be lenghtened to show your knowledge of it.  So should your history, we need a look at your background, try looking at other CDs.  You should have some more S&Ws.
Are you sure peasant is the right word, this usually means a uneducated, poor, unsophisticated person.  Also, how did his father know magic?  I'm not sure about a farmer with white skin, The Rhulran's skin is naturally bronzed a cinnamon brown.  If you need any help with your CD check the FAQ, CD Help, or ask any of our friendly members.

Mannix
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His word was the roar of thunder, His glance was the look of the eagle,
His might was the strenght of the bear, His guile was the cunning of the fox,
His temper was the death of men.

Mannix Vaelos ~ Character Creation Help ~ FAQs ~ Restrictions
Gradual
New Santharian

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Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2008, 01:39:23 PM »

I think I fixed most problems. Thank you.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2008, 01:40:32 PM by Gradual » Logged
Alassiel Telrúnya
Temperamental Bard
Approved Character
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Gender: Female
Posts: 1734


Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2008, 02:24:21 PM »

Hello Gradual, I hope you will excuse me for saying that I feel there is not enough information included in your CD.

Quote
Physical appearance:
Gradual might look a bit nerdy to you as he has glasses.
He has bronze skin and is not muscular.

First off, glasses are, I must emphasize, extremely rare in Santharia, so you will need to have an extremely good reason as to how you got them. Here, glasses aren't anything to be casual about! ;) Also, instead of just giving what seems like a summary, how about you describe his facial features more (other than glasses)? What physical feature makes him stand out from the rest? What makes him unique? What catches the eye? So on and so forth. Describe every bit of him, from top to toe. I mean, there are so many people in the world who have bronze skin and is not muscular. :P

Secondly, clothing. Erm, again you have done a brief summary as to what he wears. Specify a bit more! Try to extend it into at least one paragraph. Come on, don't tell me the only thing Gradual wears is a cape, shoes and a pendant! Is he naked underneath or something??? Describe the shirt, trousers, belt (if he has one), describe the material they're made of, as in, why did he choose that as his usual clothing? Are they made of thick or thin material? How do the clothes look on him? Do they compliment him? You could use some of those examples just to help you. :)

I'm going to leave extending your Personality to you. One thing, I don't think we have tigers in Santharia. ;) If you want to make a comparison, make sure it exists.

History. My advice would be to start from the moment he was born. You know, where he was born, how he grew up, etc. Your History is your most important section.

I don't know anything about magic, so you might want to check with someone who does to make sure your magic section is alright.

Strengths and Weaknesses, he's got to have more! Nobody has just one strength and just one weakness. For example, his temper could be a weakness if he sometimes harms people out of anger.

For your familiar, describe it just like your Physical Appearance. Is it male or female, what colour is it, etc. Perhaps you could put how you found it in your History.

If you're wondering why you need to include so much detail, it's because you could see this as kind of a test to see if you would be a good Role-Player. You need to be able to include detail and tell a good story instead of giving everything in summaries. Also, if you're stuck on detail, feel free to take a look at the CDs of other approved characters and see how they made their CDs more detailed.

Hope I was of help!
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Gradual
New Santharian

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Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2008, 11:36:44 AM »

Thank you. I think I'm finished with most of this... grin
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Alyssa Mineu
Equine Terpsichorean
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Gender: Female
Posts: 77


Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2008, 12:25:10 PM »

Hey Gradual! Just some comments here. Do note that I have no background information about your tribe and Ximax, so I'm just commenting in general. :)

First things first: Elaboration is your best friend here! So is description, therefore use them both in your CD. Also, before you put up the Ready for Comments icon, look through our comments to see if you have missed out anything.

For one, Alassiel has mentioned that glasses are rare in Santharia. Instead of thinking up a good reason for glasses, I would suggest that you nix the glasses and give him really bad eyesight, which could be a very serious weakness.

Before I continue, I would like to point out that your height, for some reason, is below your personality section, instead of in the Appearance section. Do move that up. :) And you do need a title, something to do with your occupation. You could put that below your general information. I also suggest that you list your general information in this order:

Name
Gender
Age
Race
Tribe
Occupation
Title

Even though it's not required, it would somehow allow better understanding up there, IMO. :) (You don't have to do this though. Like I said, it's just my suggestion.)

Now, to continue...

For your eye and hair colours, you can just list the colours there. Further elaboration (like hairstyle) can be written in your Physical Appearance. You could describe his face in more detail, like the shape, his eyes, nose, lips. You could also elaborate on why he's bronze and not muscular. Use more adjectives!

Also, vary your sentences. I realise that your sentences mostly start with "he", "his" and "Gradual". Rephrase your entire clothing section. Elaborate more on each item. Perhaps, where his pendant came from. Or you could say "On his head sits a black pointed hat, which _________." Fill in the blanks, write more. :)

Build on your personality. He can't be just kind and friendly, but rather temperamental. Also, give examples. These are ways to increase the word count and allow people to be able to better picture your character. Your CD is the basis of your interactions later on when you RP. You need to fall back on your personality section to see how your character would act naturally.

For your history section, expound! You can't have just done that little in 40 years of your life. Keep asking How and Why. HOW did you get to Ximax? When and WHY did you get your horse? HOW did you get your horse? HOW did you train your horse? Things like that. Even though certain things may be repeated in sections, it helps to link the flow of your writing. You also need to give your character a reason for exploring Santharia, so you can get into storylines easily.

In your familiar section, you could describe it like you did your character. Physical Appearance, Personality. Your horse would have a personality of its own. The last sentence alone is not enough. Elaborate! Describe! :)

And before I end, I've just realised that you possess the farm that was on fire. What did you do with it when you went to Ximax? :)

I hope I've helped, and don't give up! More elaboration should do the trick. ;) Good luck!

Alyssa Mineu.
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Lyss Mineu
Human, Centoraurian

It is a mistake to look too far ahead.
Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.
-Winston Churchill

To achieve equilibrium, you need your head and your heart.
Gradual
New Santharian

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Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2008, 01:09:53 PM »

I think I'm finished with this one now. grin Pet fish
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Maachàn
New Santharian

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Posts: 36



« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2008, 07:57:14 PM »

Hello there, I will comment in bright yellow

Name: Gradual Does he have a last name?
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Race: Human
Tribe: Rhulran Men I noticed that his tribe is from Aerullin. The story takes place mostly in Southern Santharia so your character needs to be there to be able to play in the stories. A reason for him leaving his own continent to Santharia should suffice.
Occupation: Spellcaster
Title: Inferno Spellcaster

Appearance:

Height: 2 peds

Hair Colour:
Gradual has brown eagle-shaped hair.

Eye colour:
Gradual has emerald green eyes.

Physical appearance:
Gradual has bronze skin and is not muscular. His skin is slender and his face circular. He looks like an average Rhulran. His circular face is a bit of a sphere, with his bright green eyes,  short blunt nose, and expressionless mouth, he doesn't look too old.

Clothing:
He wears ruby-red leather shirt, sky-blue leather trousers, a black pointed hat, a bronze belt, shadow-black shoes and an emerald gem pendant. He choses these clothes to wear because they let him move quite freely. The pednant, which is his most precious treasure, was the only thing that reminds him of his past - this thing is passed down from his family from generations to generations.

Personality:
Gradual is a kind and friendlyHow is he friendly? In what way? man, but his temper is as bad as hellWhat happens if I disturb him and he ran out of patience? .
His eyes are those of an eagle , and his skin is as scaly as a snakeThe skin description is not a part of his personality but a part of his appearance.. His mind is as sharp as a needle, and his word is as truthful as a non-fiction book. He is quite lowshort in temper and hates if disturbed from his work.
A little bit more description would be nice

Possessions:
1. A farm (you might see that this was on fire when Gradual was 34. This is true, but Gradual rebuilt the farm when he got back from Ximax.) Is this all that he has? You should include his quarterstaff.

Weapons:
A common Quarterstaff. How does that quater staff looks like? Any description about the quality and the appearance of the staff?

Magic:
Taught in the fire magic school Xim, Gradual can cast firebolts, control flames, summon a barrier of fire, fire globes of fire (fire blast) and Control flame temperature. His basic element is fire. He once chosen water but then changed his mind and took fire instead remembering how easily tha fire mage extinguished the inferno.(See. History) He has a 6 year experience in magic which means he has stage 6 magic.
I do not know what you mean by Stage 6. But if you meant Level 6 then I am sorry to tell you that players are not allowed to have characters that are more than level 3 (unless they have an admin's permission). Also, I wonder how long he took the water element before switching to fire.

Also, magic descriptions needs to be a little technical to show our mods that you have sufficient knowledge of how magic works. How does he cast his spell? Maybe he uses another way to control the flame or lessen its temperature. A little more description should suffice.


History:
Gradual was born in a little farm that belongs to his parents.
He grew up to be a very fine lad, except that he reads too much until he can't see very well and needs to get glasses. I am quit confused. Do you mean that he read too much and that caused his eyes to be damaged?
One day when Gradual was out fishing, an inferno started in his father's barn. His father was in the barn and was unaware of this How come the father did not notice the fire in the barn where he is? . When Gradual arrived home, fire iswas everywhere in histheir (technically, its his family' farm :) ) farm, killing every living thing inside it Surely an inferno would be noticeable by other family members? If not, why weren't they able to notice the black smoke and the blazing heat of the fire?. It was too late to do anything for his family, but still Gradual tried to extinguish the flames the moment he got there but the flames would not burn out until a fire mage came and extinguished the inferno at once. He is in Aerullin, a continent far away from santharia. And santharia is the only continent that has the Ximaxian System. Aerullin should have a different magic system but it there is no development of it for now in the other forums. But you can explain how this Ximxian mage came to Aerullin. Maybe he is travelling?
Gradual saw this and thought over this and to stop another inferno to start again, he trained to become a fire mage. Before he set of for Ximax, he searched for the one thing he had left. Miraculously, His pendant is not touched by a single flame. Now that he has his pendant he set off for Ximax. Just at the gates of his home, a white mare blocked the gates. This mare was Proximate- (see familiars). Proximate seemed lost. Understanding that the mare has also lost his family, Gradual couldn't help but signaled the horse to follow him, and gave Proximate comfort. They became close friends and knew exactly how each other was thinking. When they finally reached Ximax,XImax is a continent away. Did he ride a ship? Any memorable instances on the ship? the mare won't leave him so he had to train him after school hours. After 6 years of training, Gradual left Ximax and rode Proximate all the way back to his village, and in return, he made sure that he kept Proximate as comfortable as possible. He went back to Aerullin? The character needs to stay in the Souther part of the continent to play the stories since most of them are located there.

Strength:
- The highest advantage is in a vast sandy dessert in the middle of the day (This improves his offensive power.) It is true that fire magic could be affected by temperature. But he learned fire magic, aiming to preserve right?
-Temper. His temper is as bad as hell and this might give him an energy boost.
-Kindness. Despite his bad temper, he is espescially kind to people of his village and this Helps him get help easily.

Weakness:
- The cold. There's nothing he hated more than the cold. It decreases his  offensive power Is there any other reason that he doesn't like the cold? .
-eyesight. His eyesight is superbad. His accuracy is really bad and to easily hit an opponent, he needs to use a spell that hits everywhere. Wouldn't that hurt his allies?
-Temper. His bad temper could be a bad disadvantage as well. People might not understand him when he gets angry and he would be treated like an outcast.

Familiars:
Gradual has a horse called Proximate always ready to help whenever needed. Proximate is a white mare that is aged at 15. Here is Proximate's data:

Gender: Male
Age: 15
Colour: White
Type: mare

Proximate is strong and agile, and he's always full of stamina & energy, ready to help and transport Gradual.
Proximate might as well be patient but can hurt anyone who tries to harm him or Gradual.

I hope that I was of help to you! Good luck with the CD!
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Gradual
New Santharian

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Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2008, 12:26:31 PM »

Thank you for the information and help, but not the fact that you need an admin's approval to be higher than lv.3 in magic.
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Nox Belle
Macabre Marionette
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Gender: Female
Posts: 1194


Human, Kasumarii


WWW
« Reply #9 on: Yesterday at 04:53:09 AM »

Hello. I am going to just give your CD a quick run through. I'll be mainly focusing on grammar, phrasing, and spelling. Though, because I actually hold no real authority around here, you can just completely ignore my comments if you please.

All comments, suggestions, and corrections will be made ravishing in red.



Name: Gradual Delt
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Race: Human
Tribe: Rhulran Men (He left the village he grew up in and went to Ximax)<-(The sentence in the parenthesis doesn't need to be here, as it should be covered later in your History section.)
Occupation: Spellcaster
Title: Inferno Spellcaster

Appearance:

Height: 2 peds

Hair Colour:
Gradual has brown eagle-shaped hair.<-(Eagle-shaped hair? I'm sorry, but I have never heard of "eagle-shaped" hair before. I would suggest rephrasing this.)

Eye colour:
Gradual has emerald green eyes.

Physical appearance:
Gradual has bronze skin and is not muscular. His skin<-(I think what you meant to put here is "His body" not "his skin", as it doesn't make sense.) is slender and his face circular. He looks like an average Rhulran. His circular face is a bit of a sphere, with his bright green eyes,  short blunt nose, and expressionless mouth, he doesn't look too old. His skin is as scaly as a snake.<-(Why is his skin scaly? Humans don't usually have scaly skin. Perhaps you should write a sentence to explain this.)

Clothing:
He wears a ruby-red leather shirt, sky-blue leather trousers, a black pointed hat, a bronze belt, shadow-black<-(shadow-black? Do you mean gray?) shoes and an emerald gem pendant. He choses these clothes to wear because they let him move quite freely. The pendant, which is his most precious treasure, was the only thing that reminds him of his past - this thing was passed down in his family from generations to generations.

Personality:
Gradual is a kind and friendly man, but his temper is as bad as hell.
His eyes are those of an eagle,<-(This bit about his eyes should go into the appearance section, as it doesn't add to his personality.) and he is as friendly as a bird to it's young. His mind is as sharp as a needle, and his word is as truthful as a non-fiction book. He is quite short in temper and hates if disturbed from his work. If he is disturbed from his work, he'll just set something on fire to warn people to stay away. (I realize that you have already expanded on his personality section once, but I would really like to see more written here. Elaborate!)

Possessions:
1. A farm (you might see that this was on fire when Gradual was 34. This is true, but Gradual took out the remains of the farm and set off for Ximax.) <-(So he's carrying bits of possibly three different builds, which had all caught fire? I mean. He can't take all of the remains with him. Even if a building is "burnt to the ground", so to speak, it still leaves behind a lot of remains. Perhaps you should be a bit more specific.)
Besides this, his clothing and weapons, there is barely anymore things anything else he owns.

Weapons:
A common Quarterstaff made out of Oak.

However, I am going to leave out the magic section, as I'm not familiar with the magic system.

History:
Gradual was born in a little farm that belonged to his parents.
He grew up to be a fine lad, until, one day when Gradual was out fishing, an inferno started in his father's barn. His father was in the barn and was unaware of this (because he fell asleep in his work as usual + his mother divorced his father, so Gradual's father is the only person in the farm).<-(The last part of this sentence, in the parenthesis, shouldn't be there. It should be explained before that his mother left his father, and that his father often fell asleep on the job. Not as a side note) When Gradual arrived home, fire was everywhere in his family's farm, killing every living thing inside it. It was too late to do anything for his family, but still Gradual tried to extinguish the flames the moment he got there.<-(Period. Capitalize)-> But the flames would not burn out until a travelling fire mage came and extinguished the inferno at once.
(space)
Gradual saw this and thought over this and,<-(comma) as he does not want to lose anything again, he trained to become a fire mage. Before he set of for Ximax, he searched for the one thing he had left. Miraculously, his pendant is not touched by a single flame. Now that he has his pendant,<-(comma) he set off for Ximax. Just at the gates of his home, a white mare blocked the gates. This mare was Proximate- (see familiars). Proximate seemed lost. Understanding that the mare had also lost his family, Gradual couldn't help but signal the horse to follow him, and gave Proximate comfort. They became close friends and knew exactly how each other was thinking. When they finally reached Ximax by ship, the mare wouldn't leave him so he had to train him after school hours (Proximate went on the ship as well). Now he stays in Ximax as he wants to master magic.  (As I understand it, Ximax is a very expensive school to attend. If his parents were simple people who tended to a farm and his mother left his father, then how did he ever afford to go to Ximaix?)

Strength:
- The highest advantage is in a vast sandy dessert in the middle of the day (This improves his offensive power.)
-Temper. His temper is as bad as hell and this might give him an energy boost.
-Kindness. Despite his bad temper, he is especially kind to people of his village and this helps him get help easily.

Weakness:
- The cold. There's nothing he hates more than the cold. It decreases his  offensive power. Still,<-(comma) the cold is a fatal weakness and could possibly kill him. <-(Well, of course, either temperature at an extreme can possibly kill a person.)
-Eyesight. His eyesight is superbad very bad. His accuracy is really bad and,<-(comma) to easily hit an opponent, he needs to "hear" or "feel" the enemy's movements. He could easily do this because if his eyesight is bad, he could just concentrate on his enemy's movements. But this might take a long time and leave him vulnerable.<-(I'm sorry. But this last sentence doesn't make sense at all. I am unsure as to what you meant, so I can't really help you with it. I would suggest that you rephrase it.)
-Temper. His bad temper could be a bad disadvantage as well. People might not understand him when he gets angry and he would be treated like an outcast.<-(People wouldn't so much treat him like an "outcast", really. Mostly, he'd end up in a lot of fights.)

Familiars:
Gradual has a horse called named Proximate that always ready to help whenever needed. Proximate is a white mare that is aged at 15. Here is Proximate's data:

Gender: Male
Age: 15
Colour: White
Type: Mare <-(Well. "Mare" isn't a type of horse, it's a gender. A mare is a fully mature female horse.)

Proximate is strong and agile, and he's always full of stamina & energy, ready to help and transport Gradual.
Proximate might as well be patient,<-(comma) but he can hurt anyone who tries to harm him or Gradual.


Well. I hope I was helpful and that you have a speedy approval process!

heart ~ Nox ~ heart
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I plucked the petals one by one
and listened to the clock stop and stick
... taa-tick ... taa-tick ...
Time stopped as I ruined beauty
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