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Author Topic: Maachán Daér\Fire Mage\Erpheronian  (Read 708 times)
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Maachàn
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« Reply #30 on: May 05, 2008, 09:44:09 AM »

I think I have addressed most of the problems Rookie pointed out (thanks for the comment), especially the str and weakness things.

The ring is now explained.
Elven vistings have been added as well.

As for his mother. She was a mistress of the two men but with the last one, she became a wife. The second husband is a retired soldier by the way.
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Rookie Brownbark
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« Reply #31 on: May 05, 2008, 04:18:50 PM »

Hello again Maachán!

Well done on the strengths and weaknesses, I think they all make sense now, but I noticed you didn't change the Charisma weakness?  The problem is that with such a short description it is hard for us to tell how much of a strength this is.  Would an example or two be possible?

Also, visiting elves and learning from them will require a little more explanation.  Although the Quaelrohim are friendlier and easier to find than other elven tribes, it is not possible to simply stumble apon them.  So how did he find them?  And how did he persuade them to teach him?  What did they teach him?  Remember too that the elven teachers would teach in an elven style rather than a human one.  It would take a long time and go into great depth on the subject.

Good Luck!

Rookie xxx
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Maachàn
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« Reply #32 on: May 08, 2008, 05:06:53 AM »

I have addressed the problems
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #33 on: May 08, 2008, 11:13:09 AM »

You forgot the ' What did they teach him?' question ;) 'Many things' is really rather vague, don't you agree?
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Maachàn
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« Reply #34 on: May 08, 2008, 02:44:21 PM »

Adressed as well! :)
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Kalína Mërénwèn
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« Reply #35 on: May 12, 2008, 09:28:08 AM »

One minor comment from me.

Run a quick spell check on your CD and clean it up grammatically. Lots of room for improvement. :)
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« Reply #36 on: May 14, 2008, 08:07:02 PM »

Be careful of tense changes, especially in the history. Makes things sound really funky from time to time.

Also, a little more explanation about his parents. As both are fairly secluded and do not always interact on the best of terms.
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Maachàn
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« Reply #37 on: May 22, 2008, 03:56:31 PM »

I have done what ye asked. Ready for comments
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Amahad Thell
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« Reply #38 on: May 22, 2008, 04:28:06 PM »

It's looking good here, Mr. Maachan. A bit of comment on the magic section, if you don't mind...

Magic:

He was sent to Ximax to study magic about 49 years ago. He had a hard time choosing which element to learn but he ended up choosing fire of all four elements. He was a little bit lazy when it comes to studying, but he is otherwise if a topic interests him.

Maachán is a traveller. His ability as a fire mage (<- skill in fire magic) comes in use during times of great needs. However, he would not resort to magic unless it is needed or when he knows he will fail a task without its aide. He has this strange idea that people should not forget how to survive without it.

One time, he was travelling in the forest with a companion. That day, the sun hid behind the clouds and a strong wind from the freezing north, blew great gusts of wind. His companion said, "What is this? An old mage could not even start a fire?" Maachán paid little heed to the sarcasm. He answered, "There are many powers in this world. And magic should be not used likely! (<- lightly) Rub two stones until you get a spark."

Maachán's ability for (<- as) a mage is sometimes questionable to stranger(s). One of them even labelled him In the past, Maachan has been accused of being a Macanti, (or) a fake mage. It is true that he seldom show his prowess in magic but when needed, he is ready to use it.

While (When) travelling, may it be on foot or with a horse, he would use (spells from) sphere I of fire magic to make himself comfortable. He would slowly influence of the fire ounia to urge it to express its heat property more during a cold day.On cold days, Maachan will manipulate the fire ounia within the surrounding air around him to keep himself warm. On the other hand, if the day is hot, Maachan will decrease the influence of the fire ounia in the surrounding air around him to keep himself cool. he would influence the fire ounia to decrease the effect of its property of heat. That is why when people sometimes get too close, the air seems to change from the normal temperature. If he is travelling in the dark, with no wood to spare, he would use his ring as a source of light. Maachan manipulates the fire ounia within the ring to express the light property and thus the ring will glow giving off light of varying intensities. He manipulates the fire ounia in the ring's car'all, slowly manipulating it to express the light property of the fire ounia to make it glow. He also uses his magic after travelling a couple of strals, when his feet hurt. He would raise the temperature of his hand to a temperature warm enough to sooth his aching muscles. (<- He could also just simply warm his feet themselves)

Maachán grew up in an unstable family so during his study, he focused more on the spiritual manifestation of fire. He would frequently sink into depression in the academy so he uses his knowledge of the spiritual aspect of fire. He would make himself feel better by encouraging himself and by making himself believe that all is good. When he feels that he is ready, what little joy he has at the moment will be strengthen and increased through magic. He feels a little bit guilty as the good emotions that he feels are mostly conjured by magic. Even so, he would use magic to help those who are down. Through his words, he would rekindle some courage to those who fear; hope to those who despair; and joy to those who sorrow. If his words would not sway the heart of the person, he would just have the choice of decreasing the influence of the negative emotions.

But his magic can also be dangerous. During his travels, it is not uncommon rare for him to encounter meet dangerous creatures. He encountered a bear once. He possesed no weapons save his staff but that would only go so far to intimidate a bear. When the bear got too close, he had no other choice but to scare it away. He stood in a great height, raised his voice, and slowly decreased the spiritual aspect of courage within the bear's spirit. decreases the influence of the courage in the fire ounia of the bear's car'all. If there was fear in the heart of the bear, then he would have increased its influence in its car'all as well. (<- Raising your voice has no bearing on magic. You would perform this using willpower alone)

(Very good, Maachan. I changed a bit of your wording, so see if that makes more sense.)
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Maachàn
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« Reply #39 on: May 23, 2008, 11:04:58 AM »

Great, that was a faster comment than I was expecting. I shall get right on it! Thanks!
Also, the magic comment has been implemented.
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Maachàn
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« Reply #40 on: May 27, 2008, 02:01:21 PM »

Bumping... :)
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Nox Belle
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« Reply #41 on: May 27, 2008, 02:18:37 PM »

*Cracks her fingers*  So! I'm mostly just going to be doing a run through of spelling and grammar. If I see anything else that seems peculiar to me, I'll point it out for you. As I'm not a CD-mod or anything of the sort, my comments don't hold any weight and, therefore, if you decide you don't like me, you can just ignore them completely if you please. I'm going to start with your Appearance Section. ^_^

I suspect that it won't be too bad. Comments, suggestions, and corrections will be made ravishing in red.
grin


Strangers frequently describe him as a battered old man, worn down by old age and by the dusty road that he travels by. Some people who had a chance to get a close sight of his face also describes<-(no 's'. This word shouldn't be plural.) him as having faint elven features, but if this is only a poetic exaggeration or a true description of him is hard to say.

His face is adorned with a slightly rounded, tall nose; dark brown eyes,<-(comma) which seem to be black under a dim light.<-(no period); long, white hair that reaches down to the middle of his back; and wrinkles brought by old age.

His skin is brown in color, caused by the long years of travelling under the sun. His back is also arched<-(I think "arched" is the wrong word here, as arching would be bending backwards. I think you mean to use the word "hunched" here, as it would make more sense.) slightly, which gives more emphasis on his age. Although he can straighten his back with little effort, he chooses not to as his height sometimes intimidates smaller people. The nails in his hand are also dark in color, with faint black lines streaking across the smooth surface.

Clothing:

His brown under tunic is a long-sleeve with a collared-neck that he always laces loosely. The sleeves have some leafy and vine-like designs which extend from the upper arm to the wrist. Then it opens at the wrist on both sides.

The over tunic, which is slightly lighter in hue than the under tunic, have detailed leaf and vine designs that spread on the whole surface of the robe. The sleeves that loosely envelope his arms then end with a loose opening at his wrists.

His trousers, which have the same colour as his robe, are wide drawstring trousers made from crinkled silk.

Lastly, his clothing is covered with a brown cloak, with a hood made of wool. The cloak is closed with a silver brooch, with a small sapphire gem on the middle.

Personality:

Maachán is quite an unpredictable man. He can sometimes be silent and cold towards others,<-(comma) but sometimes he can also instead be cheerful and talkative with friends. He is a knowledge-seeker and would like to know everything about something, if he is interested. Although,<-(comma) when it comes to putting that knowledge into use, he seems to care little.

He also has some anger issues and a short temper, especially when it comes to people who are naive. Some also describe him as having a dry sense of humour that is sometimes offensive. He also loves intimidating and taunting his enemies, which can cause an even more violent interaction.

One thing that is quite strange about him is his love for the elves. Frequently he would visit the elves -especially the Injerin Elves- and stay with them for a while and learn their lore. To men, his own kin, he holds little love although he does not hate them. He sees men as a war-loving people that lack the capacity of staying a sword. He also holds little love for his own people, the Erpheronians, as he sees them as prideful,<-(comma) which he thinks will lead to their own downfall. He does not hate the art of war itself, only war without reason.

As his world grew chill from his experiences as a child, he chose to learn Fire magic when he had the chance. He would use its power to rekindle lost hope and give a spark of courage in the hearts of those who fear and despair. He dislikes those emotions,<-(comma) as he has experienced them before.

He treats his magic as a special skill. Only in the uttermost need will he resort to magic.

Strengths and Weaknesses

Strengths:

A Level III Fire Mage: He has the knowledge of a level III fire mage which can be helpful in both defensive and common purposes.

Intelligent: He has travelled for the most of his life and has learned many things from many places of the continent.

Walking Stick: Although the primary use of his walking stick is not for combat purposes, it still comes in handy when it comes to dangerous animals.

Old Age: His old age helps him in a lot of situations. Many people offer help to a weak old man.

Charismatic: The tone of his voice and the way he speaks fools people into thinking that what he speaks is the truth. His ability to persuade others is uncanny,<-(comma) but it is also cruel. He would scare people by speaking of the inevitable consequences of a decision. If that does not work then he will use magic to increase the fear in them.<-(You contradict yourself here. You specifically said before, in the Personality section, that he doesn't like that emotion at all and that he uses his magic to "rekindle lost hope and give a spark of courage", not to cause fear.)

Bilingual: He could speak Styrash as he spent quite a lot of time with them in his younger days. This comes in to use when he visits the elves or talks to an elf not fluent in Tharian.

Creative: Creativity is a mage's best asset. Even though his knowledge of magic is limited because he stopped early in his studies, he still can expand its use because of his creativity.

Weaknesses:

Old Age: Although a strength, it is also a weakness. He is old and cannot handle physical burden like he used to.

Sarcastic: He can be sarcastic during some situations. He has a way with words that makes people feel that they are inferior and weak. And being sarcastic to a short tempered person can sometimes lead to a very disastrous situation.

Insomnia: He frequently suffers from insomnia which might leave him to be drowsy and dizzy in the morning.
 
Sentimental: He has issues with letting go. For this reason, he seldom lets anything or anyone get near him as he knows that he will leave them sooner or later.

Pessimism: He would always speak out the worst case scenario of a situation,<-(comma) even if it brings everyone down. People tend to be discouraged in finding a solution to a problem.<-(... Why would they be discouraged from finding a solution to a problem? This sentence is only half a thought.)

Depression: He would sometimes sink into depression when remembering the friends and memories of his past that he left behind. This depression would bring him to the edge of sanity sometimes and would make him more anti-social.

Magic:

He was sent to Ximax to study magic about 49 years ago. He had a hard time choosing which element to learn,<-(comma) but he ended up choosing fire out of all four elements. He was a little bit lazy when it comes to studying, but he is otherwise if a topic interests him.<-(The last bit of this sentence, after the comma, doesn't make sense. You could actually end the sentence after the word "studying" if you were to add "Though," to the very beginning of the sentence. Or vice versa.)

Maachán is a traveller. His skill in fire magic usually comes in use during times of great needs. However, he would not resort to magic unless it is needed or when he knows he will fail a task without its aide. He has this strange idea that people should not forget how to survive without it.

One time, he was travelling in the forest with a companion. That day, the sun hid behind the clouds and a strong wind from the freezing north,<-(no comma) blew great gusts of wind. His companion said, "What is this? An old mage could not even start a fire?" Maachán paid little heed to the sarcasm. He answered, "There are many powers in this world. And magic should be not used lightly! Rub two stones until you get a spark."

Maachán's ability as a mage is sometimes questionable to strangers. In the past he has been accused of being a Macanti or a fake mage. It is true that he seldom shows his prowess in magic but when needed, he is ready to use it.

When travelling, may it be on foot or with a horse, he would use spells from sphere I of fire magic to make himself comfortable. On cold days, Maachan will manipulate the fire ounia within the surrounding air around him to keep himself warm. On the other hand, if the day is hot, Maachan will decrease the influence of the fire ounia in the surrounding air around him to keep himself cool. That is why when people sometimes get too close, the air seems to change from the normal temperature. If he is travelling in the dark, with no wood to spare, he would use his ring as a source of light. Maachan manipulates the fire ounia within the ring to express the light property and thus the ring will glow,<-(comma) giving off light of varying intensities. He also uses his magic after travelling a couple of strals, when his feet hurt. He would raise the temperature of his hand to a temperature warm enough to sooth his aching muscles.<-(Just a quick thing... You seem to be contradicting yourself again. Throughout the previous parts of the CD, you seemed to stress the fact that he doesn't use magic unless it's absolutely necessary. Basically, you say that he's very stingy with it unless he uses it to help other people not feel "fear" or "despair". And then, in this entire paragraph, you say how he uses his magic and it doesn't seem very stingy at all... Though, maybe I just didn't understand the previous things, so forgive me if I'm off base here.)

(Just a quick side note: You don't need to repeat his name in the same paragraph so many times. Also, you're not very consistent with your spelling of his name. Sometimes the accent over the 'a' is there, and sometimes it isn't.)


Maachán grew up in an unstable family,<-(comma) so during his study,<-(no comma) he focused more on the spiritual manifestation of fire. He would frequently sink into depression in the academy,<-(comma) so he uses his knowledge of the spiritual aspect of fire. He would make himself feel better by encouraging himself and by making himself believe that all is good. When he feels that he is ready, what little joy he has at the moment will be strengthened and increased through magic. He feels a little bit guilty as the good emotions that he feels are mostly conjured by magic. Even so, he would use magic to help those who are down. Through his words, he would rekindle some courage to those who fear; hope to those who despair; and joy to those who sorrow. If his words would not sway the heart of the person, he would just have the choice of decreasing the influence of the negative emotions.

But his magic can also be dangerous. During his travels, it is not uncommon for him to encounter dangerous creatures. He encountered a bear once. He possessed no weapons save his staff,<-(comma) but that would only go so far to intimidate a bear. When the bear got too close, he had no other choice but to scare it away. He stood to his full great height, raised his voice, and slowly decreased the spiritual aspect of courage within the bears' spirit. If there was fear in the heart of the bear, then he would have increased its influence in its car'all as well.   

Weapons:
He has a walking stick made of oak. It is irregular in shape and quite rough to the touch. The end that touches the ground was flat but the other end had some branches irregularly curving clockwise.

Belongings:
He holds a few things with him. As a traveller, he must carry light loads. All he has is a brown bag that would sway on his left side while he walks. Inside there are but a few things: his journal, a feather pen, an ink bottle, and a couple of things he collected during his travels.<-(What kinds of things? Give an example of a few of them.)

The only thing that he owns that might attract a thief, is a ring wrought of silver with a small diamond to adorn it.
 

I almost made it through your entire CD in one go. But, alas, it is very late. Past six in the morning, I have yet to go to sleep, and I'm tired. So, I promise to finish this up tomorrow night and post my run through of your History section. Anyway, hope I was helpful, at least, and that you have a speedy approval process. ^_^

heart ~ Nox ~ heart
« Last Edit: May 27, 2008, 02:25:49 PM by Nox Belle » Logged


I plucked the petals one by one
and listened to the clock stop and stick
... taa-tick ... taa-tick ...
Time stopped as I ruined beauty
Pikel Thunderstone
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« Reply #42 on: May 27, 2008, 02:24:34 PM »

Ok 2 things:

1) Please don't bump your CD. We know you're waiting, and really, oftentimes the CD moderators work from the bottom up (get the people who've been waiting the longest ) so you might actually delay a comment (although Nox was commenting before you did so ;)) All you're really doing is cluttering up a thread that should only have posts specifically set towards your approval process.

2) I'm putting up the pencil Icon until you incorporate her comments, especially the numerous contradictions throughout the CD.

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**DISCLAIMER** I apologize to anyone I may have offended in the above post. I would like to assure you that was (most likely) not my goal. I would also like to assure you that the above post (again, most likely) in no way reflects the views of the Santharian RP boards or their Administrators, Kalína Mërénwèn and Twén Aråerwén.

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« Reply #43 on: May 27, 2008, 04:11:04 PM »

I'm doing the run through of your history section now, as I can't seem to sleep. buck So! One more time- all comments, suggestions, and corrections will be made simply ravishing in red.


Maachán was born to his father and mother during the winter of 1593. His parents were not married and he was born accidentally into the world.<-(He was born accidentally? I mean... A woman can become pregnant without actually meaning to. But I don't think you can "accidentally" give birth to a baby. I would consider rephrasing this) His mother, a vain woman, spent most of her time thinking about how she looked like and how other people perceived her. His father, a wealthy merchant with some legal issues,<-(comma) was already reaching his senior years. At first, everything was well. He was spoiled and everything he needed was given to him without any hassle.

Maachan is the seventh generation of the Daèr family,<-(comma) which had an elven ancestor. But the elven blood is but spent as it is carried down by each generation.<-(I'm not sure exactly what you meant in this sentence, but it doesn't really make sense. I would highly recommend rewording it.) His mother, on the other hand, was one of the eleven daughters of a poor Erpheronian couple whom worked on a farm. Nothing is special about her,<-(comma) save that she had grown tired of her life as a simple farm girl and sought to marry a rich man to fulfill her dreams. She was beautiful and attracted many older men to her. Her dream was fulfilled quickly,<-(comma) but was also ended in a terrible disaster.

Maachán's father left him at the age of three after growing tired of his mother's infidelity. No one knows if he truly loved Maachán,<-(comma) for he left him alone with his mother. His mother acted strong and tried to make a living by selling the property left by her former husband. She made quite a lot of money,<-(comma) but it was not enough. She sought to find yet another man to ensnare,<-(comma) but she did not wish for Maachán to see what she was doing and so she sent him to his grandparents'<-(apostrophe). She sent them money to support him. He was six by then.

For six years, Maachán studied under the supervision of his aunt,<-(comma) who was an incompetent teacher. He learned not did not learn enough and so he would frequently travel in away from? the farm and into? the forest near the farm to study more. <-(This... aside from the first sentence, this paragraph doesn't make much sense at all.)

After six years, he was told to come home to his mother. He was first reluctant to go,<-(comma) as he was uncomfortable with being exposed to another world. But he was powerless to stop what was going to happen. He went to his mother,<-(comma) who now had a good house in the middle of a quiet place.<-("A quiet place" doesn't really tell where they were. You should be just a little bit more specific.) There he was introduced to his mother's lover. His mother first became the mistress of a wealthy soldier. He was going to be his step father.

His step father was a rich man that served the kingdom as a soldier long ago. He also had his own family,<-(comma) but left them for Maachán's mother. This caused Maachán to be distant from him,<-(comma) as he knew the feeling of losing a parent. He knew how his step father's children felt.

In that place,<-(Again, what place? Where?) he studied under a great tutor but,<-(comma) when he reached the age of 14, he was sent to Ximax.<-(I think that you math in you magic section is just a little bit off. You stated there that he attended Ximax 49 years ago, but he's 74. That would put him at 25 while he was in school. So one or the other of these need to be changed.) At that same time, his mother and her lover were married. His mother was against the idea of him studying magic,<-(comma) as she believed it would bear no money for them in the future. But his step father supported Maachán with his dreams.

All the way, his mother was against the idea. She was always pinning the idea of Maachán having a lot of money to support her in the future. In the At heart, Maachán felt that he was just another investment for to her. He would frequently get into fights with his mother about the issue of money, his studies, and his future. Everything he did in Ximax was not good enough for his mother,<-(comma) but his step father grew proud of him.

In Ximax, he was a lazy student who liked to procrastinate. During his time there, he would always be teased by his fellow students.<-(Why was he teased?) He would always get in trouble because of the words that came out of his mouth.<-(What kinds of things would he say that would get him in trouble?) His teachers too, thought little of him and his abilities.<-(Why did they think so little of him? You keep saying how all these people don't like him and of the such, with no reason behind it.) He tried to make himself known by performing a great control over his element but he was ignored. In time, he gave up. He would just sit in the corner, stay quiet, and read a book.

Even with this attitude, he was not without friends. He had friends,<-(comma) but he was mostly paranoid of them because he felt that they are stabbing him in the back. But there was one friend he trusted the most. She too was a student of Ximax,<-(comma) but she was studying another element. On Maachan's birthday, she gave him a ring before telling him that she would leave the academy as her parents had decided to give her to a private tutor. Maachan sank into a depression when she left and his memories of her brought him to the edge of sanity. He nearly killed himself. He failed,<-(comma) as he could not take his own life, fearing for whatever consequences there might be.

At the age of twenty-five, he reached the third level of being a fire magus. At that same time, a terrible event occurred. His step father died out of old age. He quickly went home to attend the funeral. It was cold and rainy during the funeral.

His mother ordered him to stop his training in magic and to seek a life with more money. Maachán said farewell to his teachers and friends and packed his clothes. He then left,<-(comma) never looking back,<-(no comma) and forgetting his thirst for knowledge. The gates of the academy closed behind him and he felt as if a great burden was now carried by his heart. He was hurrying to go hurried home, hoping for comfort in his old room.<-(But wasn't he already at home, as he had left to attend his step father's funeral?)

When he arrived, he was surprised. His mother introduced him to another man. All he could do was close his eyes and gave out a sigh. And then, he said, "Goodbye...” His voice was trailing and was sad.<-(This bit about his voice doesn't quite make sense. I recommend rephrasing it.) Then the wind grew stronger and all the voices around him were dissolved by the sounds of the wind. His mother was cursing him, saying to him all she had done for him,<-(comma) but Maachán was not moved. And at that time, he vanished like a flame blown out by the wind.<-(This last sentence doesn't really make sense. He vanished?)

First, he travelled not knowing where to go. He ended up in a busy city.<-(Which city?) There, he met Qualerohim merchants. Fascinated by their culture, he made friends with them. He asked one if he was in need of assistance. The elf agreed to hire him as a helper. He lived with the elf. During his stay, he learned many things about the elven race. Word by word, he was able to learn to speak Styrash and after a couple of years, he was able to speak it fluently. By watching his employer, he also was able to learn about the culture of the Quaelrohim elves as well.

He had travelled the southern land and some of the barbarians'<-(apostrophe) lands up north. He would study the lore and the history of the land where he was. He would not tarry in any place for long. His feet never stayed still. He was a traveller, going back and forth,<-(comma) wherever the wind would sweep him to...


There was a lot of tense problems. Some paragraphs, the tense changed every sentence- a few times, half way through the sentence. You just need to be careful with that. I tried to get all of the tense and grammatical issues, but I'm only human, so I may have missed a few. Anyway! Hope that I've been helpful and I hope that you have a speedy approval process.

heart ~ Nox ~ heart
« Last Edit: May 27, 2008, 05:10:20 PM by Nox Belle » Logged


I plucked the petals one by one
and listened to the clock stop and stick
... taa-tick ... taa-tick ...
Time stopped as I ruined beauty
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