Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters Archive II => Topic started by: Ered edhel on December 21, 2006, 06:46:28 AM



Title: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on December 21, 2006, 06:46:28 AM
Name: Ered Edhel

Gender: Male

Age: 120

Race: Elf

Tribe: Meladrhim (Grey) Tribe

Occupation: Ranger

Title: Drifting Ranger

APPEARANCE

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 4 Hebs, 1 Hafeb

Eye Color: Gray

Hair Color: White


Physical Appearance
  Due to his heritage from the learned Injerín and the rough, adventurous Artyrhón; he shares many characteristics with his relatives, being tall with sharp, angular features. He also has a light colouring: his complexion is best described to be typically pale, one could almost believe him to be made of the finest porcelain if it were not for his rather unkempt appearance. His hair is pure white which is more common than one might imagine. His hair is straight, and is worn loose. His eyes are a soft grey, contributing to his name.  He has a tattoo of three lines interwoven into each other in a neverending loop on his left bicep.

Clothes
  He wears a leather cape when it is cold out but more often than not he goes without it.  He also wears a light weight vest made of the hide of the nul'tum which he obtain from hunting in the Kuglimz lands. He also wears trousers fashioned from the nul'tum as well. Since he hunts for what he eats he wears protectors for the major joints; the elbows, wrists, knees and ankles to prevent jarring and strains. He wears hide boots that are soled with wood.

Personality
   It is hard for him to trust someone but once you have his trust he will die before that trust ends.  In his eyes there is neither good nor bad just perspective.  He tends to keep to himself, and cares little for the affairs of most other people; save instances he might find interesting. He is often viewed as an unforgiving elf, with a bad temper (when someone manages to arouse it).  Since he was banished from his tribe for not caring for the tribe, he can be a very steadfast companion, and will always pull his own weight in a group of trusted allies.                 

Strengths and Weaknesses

a) Strengths
  1)He can track an animal, beast or being if it passed a place up to a week previously in the wilderness.
  2)He can run in the forest and hardly make a sound.
  3)He is decent in the use of a dagger

b) Weaknesses
  1)He is a loner and trust no one which gets him into more than his share of trouble (He will insist on doing everything by himself even if he knows he might not make it back alive.  He believes that he is better off because he doesn't have to worry about getting stabbed in the back if he is alone.)
  2)He suffers from a mild case of the Strangling disease  (He may feel breathless when running or working but feels perfectly well when sitting or walking.
  3)He is very claustrophobic. (His fear of small places is so great that when confined to a tight space he freezes and cant' move)

History
 
     Growing up in Northern Sarvonia born to the Meladr'him, he has never had much contact with other races and little contact with other elves.  Because of his tribes nomadic life style he has never been in one location more than 3 months at a time and that is only in the winter months.  Ever since he can remember he has been a little bit of an odd ball compared to his fellow tribesmen.  While the others did what needed to be done to help the tribe Ered was usually caught day dreaming about the world outside his own. 

    The only thing that kept his interest was the fact that one of the elders of the tribe gave him a Jhe'vai dagger when he was 50 by which he was drawn to for some unknown reason.  Trying to keep Ered interested and focused the elder started to train him in the use of the dagger.  He would always space out in the middle of training dreaming of what is beyond the sea.  The elder was able to keep his training until he was 98 years of age. After this point his focus was drawn more to his dreams of the outside world.

     On his 100th celebration of his birth he thought that he would see for himself what is out there.  He tried to sneak on board a boat that belonged to the Arthyron elves.  Since he got caught trespassing and since he neglected his duties to the tribes survival during the winter months he was punished severely.  He was told that since he did not care for the tribe and since he wanted to see the outside world then from this point on he was banished from the tribe never to return.
     
     He left his only known family back in Hovel Frond in Northern Savonian as the boat left for Southern Sarvonia.  While on the waters to Southern Sarvonia a mighty storm hit and caused the boat to sink and he washed up on the shore of the Heath of Salazar.  He was found lying unconscious by a Sanhorrhim Elf boat which is heading home to the Vontron Forest.  As Ered woke he found himself in a strange new place but he was welcomed only by the elves that picked him up after his boat sank.  Since he told that he was banished from his tribe the other elves don't like the idea that he was in their village.  They believed that since he was banished from his tribe that he has lost favor with the Gods and wanted nothing to do with him.  Since the elves don't like him there and he didn't want to give them any more reason to dislike him so he headed off to find where he belonged in this new land.  He headed south and came to the city of Horth.  He stayed here for 20 years living the life of a ranger for hire. 
 
     He took many jobs in these twenty years but the one that sticks out the most is his last when he was hired by a wealthy man to guide his son to Vorton Forest.  You see, he did not want to go back into the forest because the elves there think that he has been shunned by the Gods.  Getting to the forest was no problem but when they arrived the elves would not allow Ered inside the forest.  Since he did get the wealthy man's son to the forest like he was supposed to he thought that he would be able to rest for the night then head back in the morning to get his money. 

     The next morning he woke up to the sound of  screaming.  Ered ran toward the voice but when he got there it was too late for all he saw was the son laying on the ground without life and two elves standing around him.  For some reason, even though it was beyond the details of his mission, he felt he had to avenge the son so he pulled out his daggers and killed the two elves.  What he did not know was that the death of the son of the wealthy man was a part of a deal made by the wealthy man.
 
     After hiding the bodies of the elves he carried the son back to the wealthy man.  As soon as Ered reached the wealthy mans house he fall to the ground unable to breath because of the Strangling Disease that he suffers from.  As Ered calmed down he told the man what had happened and the man became crazy with anger. After the man calmed down, he apologized to Ered and told him to stay for the night and in the morning he will recieve his payment for the job.  After Ered went to bed the wealthy man hired an assassin to kill Ered because of his unknowing interference but since his son was so easily killed while Ered slept the wealthy man informed the assassian that he would have no problem killing Ered in his sleep. 

     That night the assassin entered Ered's room and slowly pulled out his dagger preparing to cut Ered's throat, but to the assassins surprise Ered's eyes were open and watching the assassin.  Before the assassin had time to strike Ered pulled his dagger from beside the bad and stabbed the assassin.  A little shook up by all of this Ered went to find the wealthy man to see if he was alright.  When Ered approached the wealthy man's door the man spoke out, "Is that you? Is the job done? Is he dead?"  As soon as Ered heard this he barged into the room ready to kill the man for attempting to kill him but after wrestling with the man he was about to give the final blow his Strangling Disease started up and he wasn't able to finish the job so he struggled as he left the house to put this behind him.  As soon as the man realized Ered had left he put a price on Ered's head.
     Ever since that day Ered has been moving from one place to another trying to stay one step ahead of the bounty hunters.     


Weapons
  1) Ered owns a Jhe'vai dagger

Belongings
  The clothes on his back, as well as a little back pack with and extra set of clothes, a money purse, a water flask, and rations for a few days.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Navar The Rogue Assassin on December 21, 2006, 07:20:57 AM
Hey, on your weaknesses all you need to put are things that vcould adversly effect your character in battle, trick knee, afaid of flames etc anything that makes him weak. nHope that helped


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: clurion24 on December 21, 2006, 10:32:07 AM
I'm still kinda new myself to this setup but as a weakness you could put like poorly skilled in melee combat or something like will betray others easily and stuff like that based on his personality and his strengths.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on December 22, 2006, 08:39:12 AM
I need help with the history of Ered because the Grey Elf entry does give me much to start with.  I do see one problem with this character already though; which is based on this statement:

The Grey elves cannot leave the continent as their sea dwelling cousins the Arthyron elves do, because, as mentioned previously they drive small herds of animals.

Can anyone help with this?


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on December 22, 2006, 09:01:40 AM
This means that the culture herds animals and with their dependence on this type of lifestyle they do not travel much. This does not mean that everyone of their tribe is limited in this regard. The average character is a cut above the norm for most any tribe. Many people in ancient times never traveled more than 10miles from their home in their entire lives. If this were applied to players strictly, there would be no such thing as adventurers. Find a reasonable reason for your character to leave and write some history to his event and you should be in the clear. Though this depends on how it is written, use your imagination.
~Sincerely~
Cáo fá cár'tuulén:Twen Araerwen


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on December 22, 2006, 12:03:32 PM
an imagination is something i don't really have as far as creating.  i thought about having someone twist my elves mind and have him go on an errand for yhis man to end up lost an alone but as far as details about this I don't have a clue.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Thróg'Shireníc on December 23, 2006, 12:09:20 PM
you dont have to add a familiar section if you dont have one and also for a history just look around at other elves from this tribe and see what they did or look at just plain old other CDs.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on December 24, 2006, 03:19:10 PM
A little taste of the history is up.  I haven't work it all out yet be just bare with me and give me some pointers on what is there.  Thanks in advance.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Thróg'Shireníc on December 24, 2006, 03:24:21 PM
That is a nice start so now the only thing is to add some more about what he did after he landed and started exploring the world. I think you should add stuff like where he goes and in what order. Also maybe add how he was treated most of the time in his travels.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on December 24, 2006, 04:00:17 PM
I will get there sometime soon but right now this is all my mind could come up with.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 04, 2007, 02:41:00 PM
I have added a little to the history but it is coming along very slowly because I don't have much skill in this area of a CD build.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Thróg'Shireníc on January 06, 2007, 07:47:08 AM
the only thing that needs to be added that since he left the village at 50 and he is 173 now that you need to maybe tell a little more about how long he stayed here or there and say maybe what he did in the last what so ever years that he was in Caelum just to cover up that big emptieness.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 06, 2007, 07:59:26 AM
I will but I might have to change a little bit because there isn't an entry for Caelum, but I don't see where else I can have him go train and age a little bit.  I have to get him to age 123 years and I know atleast 100 years will be training with his daggers and spear.  I just don't have a clue where or who to get to train him nor do I know what to do for the next 23 years.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on January 07, 2007, 03:39:02 AM
He's a Meladrhim.  Having weapon skills from existing will be completely possible.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 07, 2007, 04:14:12 AM
If he has no training what will he do in a fight?


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on January 07, 2007, 06:54:02 AM
Apparently you missed the point of my first post.  Meladrhim=nomads very skilled with spears and such.  By simply living within his tribe for 100 years, you have a plausible reason for him to have that many years of weapon skills.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 07, 2007, 09:44:54 AM
Oh, okay. then I will have to rewrite the history a little bit to ame that possible and I will also lower my age just a bit.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 07, 2007, 09:51:56 AM
I made the adjustments to the CD so just over look them and see what you think.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Niccoli Faust on January 07, 2007, 12:18:34 PM
You've gone one strength that is way unbalenced. Not even a master tracker using technology and skills could tell if an animal had been in a place a year previously UNLESS the place had been completly undisturbed from that point onward.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 07, 2007, 05:27:01 PM
that was a skill taken directly from the entry of the Melad'rhim Elves.  That is not something I made up.  It states

"The craftmanship of their weapons, hunting and skinning tools is exacting. They can tan a hide in no time at all using simply materials they find around them. Melád can track animal, beast or being if it passed a places up to a year previously. They can walk in stealth in the forest and never make a sound."

This is taken straight from the people section of the entry.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Niccoli Faust on January 07, 2007, 10:04:05 PM
I believe it is what most people would call an exaggeration. You should probably ask or something. (that makes them sound like a cross between mcguyver wolveriene and legolas)


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 07, 2007, 10:55:08 PM
They had chewing gum and paper clips back then?  Kidding.  I will do that but so far no one else has said anything about it.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 08, 2007, 05:32:45 AM
I asked the mods & admins and they said that it was an oversight so I needed to change it as done.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 09, 2007, 11:09:26 AM
I am not sure if this is what ya'll want be here it is anyway.  pointers...fixes....give me the worksi.  I want this profile to be a base to start out on then through the stories he plays in I want him to grow older, wiser, and more skilled.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 10, 2007, 10:35:30 AM
I am ready to hear comments and hopfully get approved very soon.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 10, 2007, 02:46:24 PM
Now i am to the point where I don't care when I get a comment just send me a private message to llet  me know.  to be honest i know I won't get approved for another month or soo because that is how long it took me the last two times for me to get it right but I would like so feedback....yeck I will settle for being scolded. just somethin


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: lukecash on January 11, 2007, 05:09:37 AM
You need to elaborate on his personality, i think. Trust issues can't completely describe a person. Is he philosophical? Stubborn? Talkative? Simplistic? Sadistic? Pessimistic? Optimistic? Paranoid?

Just saying you need to go more in depth and describe him completely.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 13, 2007, 10:15:56 AM
I updated his personality so could some one check and see what else I need to do please.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Gararion on January 13, 2007, 10:48:30 AM
The Cd looks very good in my opinion.  Reading through the CD, I am unsure of the uses of circles in his tattooing, though I suppose circles are just lines with no ends.  This is the only thing that stuck out at me.  Although, I am curious about his parents.  You have no mention of them at all.  Try to include them in some of the events of his past, especially he's banishment from his tribe.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 13, 2007, 10:51:50 AM
The tattoos are a tribe thing and as far as his parents I ain't sure what to do...since the tribe raises the children as a whole


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Gararion on January 13, 2007, 11:36:34 AM
okay.  I can understand the parent thing and that may be understandable to leave out. 

As for the tattoo thing, I understand that it is a racial thing.  I just got the impression from the entry that it was more of a straight line then circles.  Though I could be wrong.  Though I don't think it really matters to this detail.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 14, 2007, 01:25:34 AM
I will read up on that part more carefully and see if it needs changing.  If it does I will make the changes.  Also, I would like an CD mod or Admin to look at this CD and see what they think.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 14, 2007, 01:35:37 AM
Yhis is what is stated in the entry about the tattoos.  This is why I picked sirsles because I didn't know how to explaain it.

"....often adorned with an interlocking series of lines that usually form a circular pattern"
"....The lines dart over and under each other in a complexity with no ends signifying the continuity of life and the rite of renewal."


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kain Cristar on January 14, 2007, 10:23:25 AM
Changes in Black

Kain's words are in blue

Name
Ered Edhel

Gender
Male

Age
120

Height
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Nailsbreadths, 2 Grains to the grain is a bit much.

Weight
1 Pygge, 4 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 2 Ods, 9 Mut no need to go past the hafeb

Eye Color
Gray

Hair Color
White

Race
Elf

Tribe
Meladrhim (Grey) Tribe

Occupation
Ranger

Title
Drifting Ranger

Physical Appearance
  He has pure white hair which he wears loose & straight just below his shoulders. His eyes are of the softest color gray. He has tattoos of very detailed and interlocking circles on his upper arms. I would suggest simply quoting the entry.

Clothes
   He wears a leather cape when it is cold out but more often then not he goes without it.  He also wears a light weight vest made of the hide of the nul'tum which he obtain from hunting in the Kuglimz lands. He also wears trousers fashioned from the nul'tum as well. Since he hunts for what he eats he wears protectors for the major joints; the elbows, wrists, knees and ankles to prevent jarring and strains. He wears hide boots that are souled soled with wood.

Personality
   Hard for him to trust but once you have his trust he will die before that trust ends unless you cross him or his few select friends! This is both a run on and a fragment. In his eyes there is neither good nor bad just perspective.  He tends to keep to himself, and cares little for the affairs of most other people; save instances he might find interesting. what kinds of things are those He is often viewed as an unforgiving elf, with a bad temper (when someone manages to arouse it).  Since he was banished from his tribe for not caring for the tribe, he can be a very steadfast companion, and will always pull his own weight in a group of trusted allies. I dont see what this has to do with him being banished.           

Strengths and Weaknesses

a) Strengths
  1)He can track animals, beasts or beings if it passed a place up to a month previously.
  2)He can walk in stealth in the forest and never make a sound.
  How does he kill said animal?
b) Weaknesses
  1)He often finds himself in life or death situations because of his tongue
  2)When he gets angry he doesn't think anything through so he makes crucial mistakes

I would like to see a good weakness here. Almost everybody makes mistakes when they are angry and can get themselves in trouble with glib speech. What weakness breaks you out of the pack

History
  Growing up in Northern Sarvonia born to the Meladr'him, he has never had much contact with other races and little contact with other elves.  Because of his tribes nomadic life style he has never been in one location more than 3 months at a time and that is only in the winter months.  Ever since he can remember he has been a little bit of and odd ball compared to his fellow tribesmen.  While the others did what needed to be done to help the tribe, Ered was usually caught day dreaming about the world outside his own.  On his 100th celebration of his birth he thought that he would see for him self what is out there.  He tried to sneak on board a boat that belonged to the Arthyron elves.  Since he got caught trespassing and since he neglected his duties to the tribes survival during the winter months ache? was punished harshly.  He was told that since he did not care for the tribe and since he wanted to see the outside world then from this point on he was banished from the tribe never to return.
  He left his only known family back in Hovel Frond in Northern Savonian as the boat left for Southern Savonian.  While on the waters to Southern Savonia a mighty storms hits and causes tense. strom, hit, and caused the boat to sink and he washed up on the shore of the Heath of Salazar.  Lying unconscious he was found by a Sanhorrhim Elf boat which is heading home to the Vontron Forest. The tense issue here is obviously long standing, I won't comment on it any further and will simply assume that you will comb through your CD and fix all the errors. As Ered wakes he finds himself in a strange new place but he is welcomed but only by the elves that picked him up after his boat sank.  Since he told that he was banished from his tribe the other elves don't like the idea that he was brought to their village.  They believe that since he was banished from his tribe that he has lost favor with the Gods and wants nothing to do with him.  Since the elves don't like him there and he doesn't want to give them any more reason to dislike him he heads off to find where he belongs in this new land.  He heads south and comes to the city of Horth.  He stays here for 20 years living a normal life till he gets tired of staying in one place so he heads off again to wander the laand. Your writting quality is spiraling down the poopper.
  Before he leaves he asks the people of the city which people? And was he living as a begger or something, how was he sustaining himself. to point him to a place where he can find work and they tell him to just go and let the Gods decide where he needs to be. So he leaves Horth just like he did Vorton Forest.  As he travels the land looking for a place he can call home even just for a short while he comes to another eerie looking forest.  As he is about to enter these woods he is stopped by passing humans.  The humans ask him what does he think he is doing going into that place.  Since he just arrived he doesn't know what they are talking about.  They go on to explain the legend of the Shivering Woods and tells him that it would be wise not to enter. Figuring that they know more about this place than he does he heads further south till he comes to this river.  He makes camps here for a while.

  After a month passes he goes on the move again.  This time he decides just to go from place to place to see for himself what this new land is like instead of listening to others like he has done in the past. 

Weapons
  1) basic spear
  2) Dagger

Belongings
  The clothes on his back, as well as a little back pack with and extra set of clothes, a money purse, a water flask, and a few berries for food.

I think your histories writting quality could do with a bit of improvement. Also any skill with your weapons has to be listed as as strength. You should have a good weakness. Aside from that there isn't much to comment on. Things don't seem to fit and are kind of glazed over in this history, his communications and life seems to be misty and left out. You give more detail into where he has walked than who he is. Thats not really a problem, I guess, it just makes for a poor read.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 14, 2007, 02:13:45 PM
as far as writting quality goes it will suck.  I was never good it english in school.  This is the best I have as far as writting quality.  The reason the history is the way it is, is because  I am not that good at the creating process either.  The last CD I got approved took me 3-4 months to finish and it barely made the cut. 


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 18, 2007, 09:14:16 PM
I have changed some of the things you have asked me but as far as the tense used through-out the history I don't see what you are talking about. It reads fine to me.  Also, I thought that the Personality entry was where I was to put what kind of person Ered is not in the History section.  In the History section I thought I was to put what has happened in his life and where he had been, but if I am mistaken I will try to fix it bujt there are no promises on if you would like the fix any better.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kain Cristar on January 21, 2007, 08:09:56 AM
You suddenly jump into a very broken present tence when you start talking about the storm.

The history should explain why you are the man you are today, through the things that have happened to you in your life.

One can always push their writting further, it simply takes hard work.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 21, 2007, 01:20:09 PM
I understand about the working harder part but I can't come up with new ideas.  I am not that creative of a person.  That has always been my problem with creating a character.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 21, 2007, 01:35:15 PM
I made the changes to the tense and added some history but am still having trouble with it.  If anybody can give me a few ideas to spark something within me I would be appreciative.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kain Cristar on January 21, 2007, 01:47:49 PM
I ask you to push yourself because I can see that you are not as bad as you try to make yourself sound. The first half of your Cd is fairly well written. If you read my CD's, you will see that I am no great writer myself.

As for idea's, those I am chaulk full of, and will give you some on the morrow.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 22, 2007, 03:58:47 AM
Thank you for your help.  Any ideas that will fit in with what I have i will use.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 24, 2007, 11:22:25 AM
check check check check  please


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kelancey the Green on January 25, 2007, 05:11:17 AM
  Ered, obviously you do have a good imagination, because the foundation you have now is quite good! :nod:  I suspect you may be limiting yourself, thinking you have to apologize for grammatical mistakes.  Don't sweat the little stuff; we're here to help with that.  If you wouldn't mind, I have a few suggestions, colored green.

First, your Clothing, Physical Appearance, and Personality sections are solid as they are.  You may later choose to add to them as your History expands, but they are good already.

Quote
Strengths and Weaknesses

a) Strengths
  1) He can track an animal, beast or being if it passed a place up to a month previously.
  2) He can walk in stealth in the forest and never make a sound.
  3) He is decent in the use of the spear and dual wielding daggers.

b) Weaknesses
  1)He often finds himself in life or death situations because of his tongue
  2)When he gets angry he doesn't think anything through so he makes crucial mistakes
  3)He suffers from a mild case of the Strangling disease
Tracking proficiency is good, just specify whether in the wilderness (I presume this is his forte) or in some other setting--urban, coastal areas, underground tunnels, whatever.  Describe how he acquired this talent in his History.

Beef up your History regarding how he learned proficiency with the spear (a pretty natural weapon for hunting in the wilderness) and dual dagger melee (this one probably merits more explanation).  Did he have a mentor who trained him?  Rangers are naturally talented in two-weapon fighting, I believe, but it wouldn't hurt to incorporate that education into his History.

Weaknesses are great story points to enrich your character development, i.e.:
"On encountering the band of Kuglimz whose land he was hunting on, he shot out a quick remark, 'Hey, anybody want to help skin this nul'tum?'"
Something along those lines, or whatever would be more suitable.

By the way, what's the "Strangling Disease"?  Explain that in your History, please.

Forgive me, I have to run for now.  You have the creativity, just daydream about Edel and see what sparks fly!  Good luck!  :D


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 25, 2007, 06:43:16 AM
I will add some of the ideas into my CD.  Thank you for the help


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 28, 2007, 01:49:11 PM
more ideas please


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on January 29, 2007, 01:52:12 AM
Ered, I noticed you are still working on quite a few sections so I would suggest putting up the pencil until you are complete.  When you are done, feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to go through this.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 30, 2007, 05:11:52 AM
All I am working on right now is the history.  Everything else should be fine....i hope.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: lukecash on January 30, 2007, 08:55:31 AM
Nice character, it seems to be coming along nicely, hopefully it'll get approved soon...And by the way, peanut butter is for Arabian donkeys from Canada.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Drasil Razorfang on January 30, 2007, 09:32:21 AM
Please keep chatting out of CDs.  If you don't have anything useful to say, don't say anything at all...understood?(this is rhetorical so don't answer)

@Ered:  PM when history is done.  I definatly want to look into this.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on January 31, 2007, 06:24:15 AM
okay, I will do.  do you have any ideas where i can go from here on the history


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on June 15, 2007, 06:04:13 AM
its been a while but can someone look over this for me?


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on June 17, 2007, 12:23:11 PM
checkie checkie?


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on June 18, 2007, 12:53:42 PM
examine...please


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on June 19, 2007, 09:27:22 AM
i guess everyone is alittle busy so i will just keep this bumped every day so two. 


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Alassiel Telrúnya on June 20, 2007, 12:39:20 AM
You're right, everyone is a little busy, so all the more reason NOT to bump your CD every day. Everyone must wait at least 3 days before bumping their CD again. But anyway, now you've got my attention, I'll give you some basic critique.

1) The system has changed since your....absence, so now the top format goes something like this:

Name:
Gender:
Age:
Race:
Tribe:
Occupation:
Title:

Appearance
Height:
Weight:
Eye color:
Hair color:

2) Please split your History into smaller paragraphs so it's easier on the eyes.

3) Develop more on your weapons, and write in full sentences. What type of dagger is it, does it have any particular design, etc.

4) For your 2nd weakness, you don't need to include all that information in italics, just explain in a sentence what it is, using your own words.

That's it for now.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on June 22, 2007, 01:44:35 PM
i understand the weapon thing but where am i not typing in complete sentences and where do you thing i should break the paragraphs?  I don't know where to split them and it still be right.

I have changed the first half of my CD like asked and I have changed the thing about the second weakness as well.

Can someone recheck when they have a chance and offer any help because i have been working on this for about six weeks or more and i can't get it right.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Alassiel Telrúnya on June 22, 2007, 03:17:03 PM
You just need to split it into paragraphs where there's a 'change of topic'. I'll use the first para of your History to demonstrate:

Growing up in Northern Sarvonia born to the Meladr'him, he has never had much contact with other races and little contact with other elves.  Because of his tribes nomadic life style he has never been in one location more than 3 months at a time and that is only in the winter months.  Ever since he can remember he has been a little bit of and odd ball compared to his fellow tribesmen.  While the others did what needed to be done to help the tribe Ered was usually caught day dreaming about the world outside his own.

On his 100th celebration of his birth he thought that he would see for him self what is out there.  He tried to sneak on board a boat that belonged to the Arthyron elves.  Since he got caught trespassing and since he neglected his duties to the tribes survival during the winter months ache was punished harshly.  He was told that since he did not care for the tribe and since he wanted to see the outside world then from this point on he was banished from the tribe never to return.


And for your weapon section, you sum it all up in two short words: A dagger. Make that into a full sentence; add 'Ered owns a...' and you also need to do some research here and state what kind of dagger your dagger is. There are many different types, you know. ;) And does it have any special design on it? Or is it just ordinary? You also need to include the story of how you came to own it in your History.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on June 23, 2007, 10:07:59 AM
I have split up the history and added what type of dagger Ered owns but i need help to see if Ered can use this dagger and if i can then i will need help fitting it in the history i have without much rewrite.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Alassiel Telrúnya on June 23, 2007, 04:14:03 PM
Of course you can use it, no daggers are forbidden. As for how to include it, simple! Say you bought it or someone gave it to you, or you inherited it, or you found it...there are so many options!


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on June 29, 2007, 05:45:51 PM
i am working on this now but i am having trouble finding where to add the dagger in at.  I don't want to have to change alot in the history because then i will have a lot of reworking to do.  I need help here.  I am trying to write it in as Ered found them.  HELP


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Alassiel Telrúnya on June 29, 2007, 11:57:08 PM
I'd say it depends on what type of dagger it is.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Vesk Lyricahl on June 30, 2007, 12:06:50 AM
Just keep in mind that however you choose to include the Jhe'vai Daggers in his history, you'll have to mention something about his training with them as well. So I would suggest working them in early on in his history so as to give him ample time as to become trained in their usage. Perhaps you might work them in even before he leaves his tribe. Alassiel already named a few options for obtaining the daggers, there there are so many more. Just be creative.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on June 30, 2007, 01:52:49 PM
Added paragraph about how Ered was trained and how he got the dagger.  If it needs more i will need ideas cuz this is the best i have came up with so far.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on July 03, 2007, 12:53:19 PM
What do you think?


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Vesk Lyricahl on July 06, 2007, 08:22:49 AM
In my opinion, the way you integrated the dagger and his training into the history works.

I do wonder about the story of the wealthy man trying to kill his son though. Its all plausible enough, but it seems odd to me that the son would have been sent to the Sanhorrhim to be killed, on account of most of them being peaceful elves. Only a few still practice warfare. And the job you describe, killing an innocent for hire, isn't one to be performed by the average warrior. It seems to me that you want assassins for that. I would suggest guiding the boy to Nyermersys instead, a much more sinister place with more than its fair share of assassins. It is the City of Death after all.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on July 08, 2007, 06:53:10 AM
as far as the assassins, i am thinking about making some changes but I ain't good at it so i will take a while if i do it at all.  I ain't sure yet.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on July 09, 2007, 10:04:11 PM
It's a little late for this, but hello and welcome to the dream. I treat every CD as if they are new to the site. :grin:
The Ironforge Pyromancer will be lending you his assistance, in the burning, fiery color of red.

Name: Ered Edhel

Gender: Male

Age: 120

Race: Elf

Tribe: Meladrhim (Grey) Tribe(I assume that this is your tribe and you're not a crossbreed of the Injerin and the Arthyron. You mentioned it in your physical appearance.)

Occupation: Ranger

Title: Drifting Ranger

APPEARANCE

Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 Pygge, 4 Hebs, 1 Hafeb

Eye Color: Gray

Hair Color: White


Physical Appearance
  Due to his hertiage(heritage) from the learned Injerín and the rough, adventurous Artyrhón(Huh? I thought you are a descendant of the Meladrhim?); he shares many characteristics with his relatives, being tall with sharp, angular features. He also has a light colouring: his complexion is best described to be typically pale, one could almost believe him to be made of the finest porcelain if it were not for his rather unkempt appearance. His hair is pure white which is far commoner(more common) than one might imagine. His hair is straight, and is worn loose. His eyes are a soft grey, contributing to his name.  He has a tattoo of three lines interwoven into each other in a neverending loop on his left bicep.

Clothes
  He wears a leather cape when it is cold out but more often then(than) not he goes without it.  He also wears a light weight vest made of the hide of the nul'tum which he obtain from hunting in the Kuglimz lands. He also wears trousers fashioned from the nul'tum as well. Since he hunts for what he eats he wears protectors for the major joints; the elbows, wrists, knees and ankles to prevent jarring and strains. He wears hide boots that are soled with wood.

Personality
   It is hard for him to trust someone but once you have his trust he will die before that trust ends.  In his eyes there is neither good nor bad just perspective.  He tends to keep to himself, and cares little for the affairs of most other people; save instances he might find interesting. He is often viewed as an unforgiving elf, with a bad temper (when someone manages to arouse it).  Since he was banished from his tribe for not caring for the tribe, he can be a very steadfast companion, and will always pull his own weight in a group of trusted allies.                 

Strengths and Weaknesses

a) Strengths
  1)He can track an animal, beast or being if it passed a place up to a month previously in the wilderness.
  2)He can run in the forest and hardly make a sound.
  3)He is decent in the use of a dagger

b) Weaknesses
  1)He is a loner and trust no one which gets him into more than his share of trouble
  2)He suffers from a mild case of the Strangling disease  (He may feel breathless when running or working but feels perfectly well when sitting or walking.


History
 
     Growing up in Northern Sarvonia born to the Meladr'him, he has never had much contact with other races and little contact with other elves.  Because of his tribe's nomadic life style he has never been in one location more than 3 months at a time and that is only in the winter months.  Ever since he can remember he has been a little bit of and(remove and, put an) odd ball compared to his fellow tribesmen.  While the others did what needed to be done to help the tribe Ered was usually caught day dreaming about the world outside his own. 

     The only thing that kept his interest was the fact that one of the elders of the tribe gave him a JHÉ'VAÍ(you can write this in small letters, it will look better.) dagger when he was 50, by which he was drawn to for some unknown reason.  Trying to keep Ered interested and focused the elder started to train him in the use of the dagger.  He would always space out in the middle of training, dreaming of what is beyond the sea.  The elder was able to keep his training until he was 98 years of age. After this point his focus was drawn more to his dreams of the outside world.

     On his 100th celebration of his birth he thought that he would see for him(no space here) self what is out there.  He tried to sneak on board a boat that belonged to the Arthyron elves.  Since he got caught trespassing and since he neglected his duties to the tribes survival during the winter months ache(ache?) was punished harshly(severely).  He was told that since he did not care for the tribe and since he wanted to see the outside world then from this point on he was banished from the tribe, never to return.
     
     He left his only known family back in Hovel Frond in Northern Savonian as the boat left for Southern Savonian(Sarvonia).  While on the waters to Southern Savonia(Sarvonia) a mighty storm hit and caused the boat to sink and he washed up on the shore of the Heath of Salazar.  He was found lying unconscious by a Sanhorrhim Elf boat which is heading home to the Vontron Forest.  As Ered woke he found himself in a strange new place but he was welcomed only by the elves that picked him up(space here)after his boat sank.  Since he told that he was banished from his tribe, the other elves don't like the idea that he was in their village.  They believed that since he was banished from his tribe that he has lost favor with the Gods and wanted nothing to do with him.  Since the elves don't like him there and he didn't want to give them any more reason to dislike him so he headed off to find where he belonged in this new land.  He headed south and came to the city of Horth.  He stayed here for 20 years living the life of a ranger for hire.  (Please separate this part into sentences. I had a hard time checking it.)
 
     He took many jobs in these twenty years but the one that sticks out the most is his last when he was hired by a wealthy man to guide his son to Vorton Forest.  You see, he did not want to go back but(remove but, put in to) the forest because the elves there think that he has been shunned by the Gods.  Getting to the forest was no problem but when they arrived the elves would not allow Ered inside the forest.  Since he did get the wealthy man's son to the forest like he was supposed to he thought that he would be able to rest for the night then head back in the morning to get his money. 

     The next morning he woke up to the sound of  screaming.  Ered ran toward the voice but when he got there it was too late for all he saw was the son laying on the ground without life and two elfs(elves) standing around him.  For some reason, even though it was beyond the details of his mission, he felt he had to avenge the son so he pulled out his daggers and killed the two elves.  What he did not know is that the killing of the son was payment owned by the wealthy man.(I did not understand this last sentence.) 
 
     After hiding the bodies of the elves he carried the son back to the wealthy man.  As soon as Ered reached the wealthy man's house he falls to the ground unable to breath because of the Strangling Disease that he suffers from.  As Ered calmed down he told the man what had happened and the man what(remove what, add became) crazy with anger. After the man calmed down, he apologized to Ered and told him to stay for the night and in the morning he will recieve his payment for the job.  After Ered went to bed the walthy(wealthy) man hired an assassian(assassin) to kill Ered because of his unknowing interference but since his son was so easily killed while Ered slept the wealthy man informed the assassian that he would have no problem killing Ered in his sleep. 

     That night the assassian(assassin) entered Ered's room and slowly pulled out his dagger preparing to cut Ered's throat, but to the assassians (assassin)surprize(surprise) Ered's eyes were open and watching the assassian(assassin).  Before the assassian(assassin) had time to strike Ered pulled his dagger from beside the bad(bed) and stabed(stabbed) the assassian(assassin).  A little shook up by all of this Ered went to find the wealthy man to see if he was alright.  When Ered approached the wealthy man's door the man spoke out, "Is that you? Is the job done? Is he dead?"  As soon as Ered heard this he busted(barged) into the room ready to kill the man for attempting to kill him but after wrestling with the man he was about to give the final blow his Strangling Disease started up and his wasn't am(am?) to finsih(finish) the job so he struggled as he left the house to put this behind him.  As soon as the man realized Ered had left he put a price on Ered's head.(The man didn't even tried to kill the ailing Ered?)
     Ever since that day Ered has been moving from one place to another trying to stay one step ahead of the bounty hunters.
(Every pharagraph you have consists of wrong spelling and grammar, which in turn makes it harder for us to check your CD. I've made the corrections in read, so please correct it. Also, try splitting long sentences into short ones by placing a comma or a period into where it is needed.)     


Weapons
  1) Ered owns a JHÉ'VAÍ(small letters please.) dagger

I need help fitting this into my history.  Also, first i need to know if Ered can use this weapon.  Any idea's would be helpful.(actually, any weapon could be used. It will make a difference, though, if you are trained in that particular weapon.)

Belongings
  The clothes on his back, as well as a little back pack with and(an) extra set of clothes, a money purse, a water flask, and rations for a few days.

And there you go. Most of your errors are those on spelling and grammar. Feel free to PM me or the mods and admins if you require more advanced help.
Have a nice day.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Vesk Lyricahl on July 10, 2007, 12:28:34 AM
Thorgas, the Meladrhim tribe is an offshoot of the Injerin and Arthyron tribes, so its okay for him to mention having heritage from them, since he does. ;)


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Thorgas Ironforge on July 10, 2007, 02:42:08 PM
Hmm... I must have missed that.

Anyway, thanks for the additional info, Vesk. :grin:


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on July 12, 2007, 10:52:20 AM
Made all the changes except for the one about if the wealthy man would have tried to kill Ered or not because I am trying to figure out how I want to add it in that killing Ered himself is beneath him so he hires anyone who will do it for him.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on July 20, 2007, 08:22:35 AM
comments?


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on August 12, 2007, 02:11:15 PM
Any Chances on comments or approval? 


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 12, 2007, 02:42:22 PM
I will get right on it in the morning Ered! I think are probably fairly close to approval so things should be looking good :)


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 13, 2007, 10:37:35 PM
Bumping so I will read it after work


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 14, 2007, 03:53:01 PM
Hey dear, from the look of things, you are just about ready for an approval. Just a couple things I wanted to point out in the strengths and weaknesses.


a) Strengths
  1)He can track an animal, beast or being if it passed a place up to a month previously in the wilderness. This seems to be a great span of time, especially when you involve the changes in weather upon this. After several good rains/snowstorms, I doubt he would be able to track much after one, much more two. I would cut it down to about a week, maybe two at the very most.
  2)He can run in the forest and hardly make a sound.
  3)He is decent in the use of a dagger

b) Weaknesses
  1)He is a loner and trusts no one which gets him into more than his share of trouble Expand on this a bit. This has the potential to be a good weakness, but it needs a bit more depth/explanation
  2)He suffers from a mild case of the Strangling disease  (He may feel breathless when running or working but feels perfectly well when sitting or walking.

One more weakness would really help him to feel balanced I think. There is just something lacking which is a bit hard to place. Perhaps if you fleshed out that one weakness, things will fall into place a bit.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on August 15, 2007, 06:29:18 AM
Thanks for the comments.  i will get right on the changes. 


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on August 17, 2007, 07:06:01 AM
I am still trying to think of a 3rd weakness and I have explained the first weakness a little and have made the other changes. 

Anything else?


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 17, 2007, 07:15:21 AM
I think just adding a 3rd weakness will be good enough for an approval. Just something to help balance him a bit more ^^


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Ered edhel on August 19, 2007, 12:38:36 AM
I have made all changes suggested and have added a third weakness.  I would like one more detailed look over then if it is up to standard maybe an approval.


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 19, 2007, 05:58:13 AM
Looks ok to me.

Best of luck


Title: Thanks
Post by: Ered edhel on August 20, 2007, 01:01:42 AM
Thank you Kalina.  Now I just need one more approval then I can role play. 


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Vesk Lyricahl on August 20, 2007, 06:31:58 AM
You have your second approval. :thumbup:


Title: Re: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on August 20, 2007, 06:37:30 AM
And titled.