Adventures of Caelereth

This is another game I found on the same rp board.

   You have a vending machine which you insert things in. Then someone else tells you what you get and they put in something. e.g.


                   Person1:  inserts a bannana.
                   Person2: You get a mutant bannana of DOOOOM.
                                 Inserts a monkey
etc.
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  Inserts gold bomb.

The gold bomb won't quite fit through the slot, you push and push and push and suddenly it explodes all over you, covering you in gold paint.  Fortunatly the bomb misses one tiny patch on your left thumb so you don't actually die, but the fire brigade has to be called in to hose you down which is mildly embarassing.  Don't play with bombs!

I insert a healthy dose of fruit and veg

The vending machine immediately becomes more healthy as the effects of the fruit and veg surge through its circuitry. It gets up and runs laps, and leaves you thirsty.

I insert a coin.

Well that's boring.  The vending machine spits out a brightly wrapped packet of well-past-their-sell-by-date crisps.  Scrambled egg and carrot flavour.

I insert a Brownie

You get a whole series of gadgets, such as brownie wings, with which you can do nothing because they're too small for you :P

I insert... my English teacher :P

Pfft, I am a Brownie!  *soars happily*

The vending machine dislikes being used as a rubish bin for unwanted teachers but is unfortunately unable to get rid of this one.  Instead the english teacher manages to take over the vending machine's brain and uses it to produce assignment after assignment for unsuspecting sugar-seekers.  You get homework!

I insert a radioactive sheep.

While shoving the sheep in, the wool gets shaved off, and you are buried underneath the radioactive wool, making you sprout weird antlers on your forehead. Added to that, your speech is now punctuated with baas, and you tend to walk on all fours. For all your troubles, all you get back from the machine is a Mars bars.

I insert a pirate!

The pirate gets high on sugary drinks stolen from inside the machine and plunders the cash store looking for gold.  He doesn't really find much actual money but has a good time routing around the junk.  In his search for treasure he throws several worthless items back out through the slot; a banana skin (of doooooom), a matchstick and a very confused hairpin.

I insert a ring-tailed lemur.

The ring-tailed lemur gets angry at your attempt to shove him down the thin slot, so he jumps on your shoulder, summons his friends, and they all huff anf puff until you're pusihed into the slot! Inside, you enter this weird dream like trance where you're Michael Jackson in your Neverland Ranch.

You pop out of the slot, confused and dazed, a pair of shoes in your hands. The trauma was so not worth it.

I insert coke light!

The machine rejects the foul cola and squirts machine oil in your face, before dropping a small notice which reads: "NO! Just...NO!"

I insert a Classical CD

The machine loves the music so much that it decides to save up to buy itself a violin.  It holds a yard sale across the street to sell all the junk people have tried to shove down it.  For introducing it to the music in the first place it gives you a small watermelon.

I insert a fireman's hose

The fireman's hose snakes in and is immediately devoured by hungry anacondas. The anacondas then turn themselves inside out and splatters all over you. The skin and guts stick to your clothing, refusing your attempts to flick them off. As the blood pools around your feet, the bits and pieces of the squishy flesh merge together and bite your head off.

While you're dragging in your last remaing breath, the machine ejects out... a snake hunter armed with a jaguar, pet piranas and a humongous crocodile.

I insert a balloon.

When the balloon is inserted, it pops, sending helium everywhere. The machine floats away and ejects a perfecly brand new balloon, followed by a horde of reindeer.
I insert a 120 ton gorrlla

The machine takes on the gorilla's personality and pummeling tendencies, beating you until you're in a full body cast. Then the machine turns around and covers you in 900lbs of fresh gorilla poop.

I insert an issue of The Punisher

The vending machine quickly produces a rather large firearm. The label on the firearm bears the warning "no ammunition included."

I insert a complete set of the works of David Eddings

The vending macine is now reading the manuscripts that you inserted in it, so you have to pay for a new one.

I inserts a nickel into the new machine.

The machine, disgusted with your use of small change rejects the nickel at supersonic speeds. Killing you. You also don't get the nickel back.

I insert the IRC Channel.

No no not our IRC channel! *snatches it back before it can be lost in the depths of the machine*.  You recieve an angry Brownie-punch.

I insert a bunny  :pet:

Wonderful! Now the machine produces an endless supply of bunny pellets, replacing everything in the world with rabbit crap.

I insert a football autographed by Brett Favre.

You get....... Bret Farve and a million footballs autographed by him.


I insert $17849236436159846198451439681.19345889104761346

You get... The satisfaction of knowing that at one point, you had that much to put in.  I insert a foreign coin.

You get a foreign soccer player for your troubles. Too bad he hates you.

I insert the hat piece from monopoly.

You get a beautifully crafted little metal suit to go with the hat.  If only you were three cms tall! 

I insert a teddy bear.

Your teddy bear gets ripped to shreds by the innards of the machine and its insides spat back out at you  :cry:

I insert a warm milky drink.

The vending machine is lactose intolerant and shoots the milky drink back out you in a fury of frozen bullets. It doesn't like swiss cheese made out of brownies either.

I insert a copy of 28 Days Later and ready my machette

You get a very cute 'Hello Kitty' video...

I insert a shoe

The shoe turned into a glass slipper that breaks as soon as you touch it.

I insert a hot spring.

the pipes underneath the vending machine break and soak you with hot water, which would normally be quite relaxing, except you're now scalded all over.

I insert a broken watch

You get a brand new watch for your troubles. You also receive a super model who also happens to be a total crack addict that's extremely hot and even more clingy. No matter how hard you try you can't seem to get rid of her. Some how you two end up married and she completely robs you of all your hard earned money and your car to support her massive drug addiction... oh yeah, and she breaks your watch. Sorry.

I insert a small Llama.

You get a bigger Llama

I insert a hoard of ants

In a desperate attempt to avoid being turned into an ant hill the machine shorts out and lights itself on fire!  After a short period of intense heat the flames stop, the machine gyrates for a moment, and then deposits a soggy 'Glosettes' box, which on further inspection turns out to contain delicious, crispy-on-the-inside, chewy-on-the-outside, immensely enjoyable chocolate covered, roasted ants.

I insert a genetically modified mouse that glows in the dark.

The machine spits the mouse back out at you. It also spits out a sticker that reads "Say no to genetic modification now!" and features a cartoon of a mutated ear of corn with an eye.

I insert an internet connection.

The machine gets hooked on Santharia and forgets to give you anything in return.

I insert an exam

The vending machine makes a noise like a sock-ticker and spits out a bubble sheet, and a ballpoint pen.  The top of the sheet clearly reads "Use an HB pencil only."  A foreboding sense of failure falls over the scene.

I insert a fork, tines first.

The machine turns the fork around and attempts to stab you with it by shooting it at you. It misses, because, it's a fork.

I insert a foon.

The machine spits the foon back out. When you try to insert it again, it spits it out and stomps on your foot as well. No foons allowed.

I insert a green sock.

The machine starts shaking and emits the smell of old unwashed socks which is absorbed by the clothes you are wearing, leaving you smelling like unwashed socks.

I insert a parrot

The machine spits the parrot back out in a flurry of angry feathers. The bird attacks you... pecking out your eyes and tongue.

I insert an older woman with big, badly done fake breasts that works at Hooters.

The fake breasts get stuck in the machine. They start to swell up and you hear the words "shes gonna blow" in the distance. They explode covering you with silicone.

I insert myself.

The machine spits out a beautiful woman in a casket, with a note that reads "This could have been you."

I insert a slab of marble.

The machine gives you a castle.

I insert my cutest pink valentines day bra.

you get a red bra with demons on it. The bra came with this message:
From: the Devil, Prince of darkness
To:Vallari O'Neil
Subject: I love you
I love you. Will you marry me??.
The machine also spits out a potal to hell and says " I finally got rid of that"

I insert Bill gates

You receive a small jar of pea and liver flavored baby food.

I insert a love letter.

you get the devil.

I insert my obituary for Bobby Fischer
* :cry: He's gone forever  :cry: *

You get the devil. (original, huh?)

I insert a pair of Twen's panties.

The vending machine is outraged at you for inserting her panties, so it spits out everything on you. The obituary for Bobby Fischer  :cry: :cry: Hits you on the head.


I insert the appocalypse, ragnarok, end of the world, whatever you want to call it.

After much smoke and rumbling out pops... a bunny  :pet:


Inserts all my annoyances I'm quickly building

The IRC pops out at you.

I insert 200 grams of explosives

The machine gives you a coke. You drink it and implode.

I insert a small puppy.

The machine spits out the puppy, grows legs, and kicks the puppy to next week. Before it settles down, you can distincly hear the machine muttering, "Finally something's inserted that I can actually kick." A kitty pops out.

I insert cat food.

You receive a two week old dead fish.

I insert Gundioc's left boot.

You get his right boot.

I insert cloth.

You get a thong.

I insert Mathis's sword.

The machine rejects the swrod, and you get the pointy bits stuck into your squishy parts.

I insert nothing

You get a disgruntled llama that happens to have a hobby of spitting on you whenever it can.

I insert my heart.

You get someone else's raw beating heart. Disgusting.

I insert my coaster.

You get a bag of dog poop for your troubles.

I insert a small child.

You get a whole hoard of adopted children.

I insert a post it note.

The machine gives you a real live Aladdin. You know... the one with the magical carpet. Only there is no magical carpet. He's completely crazy. He insists that your Jasmine and you two die from being buried alive in a cute little couple's grave out in the desert.

I insert Twen's toothbrush.

The machine gives you Twen's teeth. Now she's out for revenge. Nice knowing you.

I insert Indiana Jones

The machine spits out a boulder, which happens to land right on top of you... squiiiishhhh.

I insert Altario's shirt.

Out pops Altario's shoes. They start tap dancing, driving you mad. You then admit yourself to an asylum.

I insert my keyboard.

You receive an angry pit bull.

I insert Pikel's sou.

The machine spits out whatever you inserted because it had no idea what it was. You get a wand.

I insert Harry Potter.

You get a very hormonal Herminy(sp?) Granger who accuses you of stealing Ron away from her and then begins kicking the crap out of you.

I insert my thumb.

The machine sucks on your peppermint thumb and it slowly disappears.

I insert the Lord of the Rings.

It spits out Frodo. A delirious Frodo who thinks you stole the ring from him. He gnaws on your ankles. Silly little ankle biters.

I insert a small horse.

Out comes a komodo dragon. With its mate.

I insert Disney!

You get a very obnoxious gangsta mickey mouse who shoots you in the knee caps and keeps saying "Pop a cap! Ha ha!"

I insert Minnie Mouse

Out comes a multitude of small mice, all identical to Minne and Micky. You assume it's their children, and are doomed to take care of them forever.

I insert the dog in the window.

Out comes a skinned cat.

I insert a bear.

OUt comes a bear cloak. With maggots.

I insert Nox!

out pops a blue eye...

I insert a kneecap.

Out pops Frodo!

I insert a weasel.

You receive a bunny.

I insert my left kidney.

You get a right kidney. Now you have two right kidneys.

I insert a pancake.

The machine gives you waffles.

I insert a roach.

The machine takes pity on you and gives you roach spray to kill all the poor defenceless creatures.

I insert a monkey

With a roar king kong bursts from the machine. He devours everything in his path.

I insert a bottle of beer

The machine is now drunk... the light weight... and promptly pukes all over you.

I insert the bottom of my shoe.

The mighty vending machine is displeased with your crappy gift and booms out in a loud voice "I AM NOT PLEASED WITH YOU SMALL BEING.  SUFFER MY WRATH".  It promptly throws two small solider toys at you.  Obviously needs to gather some more minions before it can really carry this god thing off.

I insert two baked sardines.

The sardines come out canned, and hits you on the head. Ow...

I insert dragons.

There is a sudden flash of heat and light and the stench of brimstone... and out comes a roasted chicken - only slightly overdone.

I insert a papaya...

The machine inhales deeply and, loving the scent so much, decides to use it to make a top-of-the-line shampoo.  It spits out a small, brightly coloured bottle of shampoo.

I insert a Salvador Dali painting.

The machine suddenly warps and seems to melt before spitting a clock shaped (or coloured) blob of paint at you.

I insert a violin (and bow)

you get a string Bass with a bow

I insert a magical Leoplurodon

The machine ate the Leoplurodon and asked you what is a Leoplurodon? then ate you
afterwards..... after a while it spills you into the air! woooohhh its a 3 points and the crowd goes wild!!!

I insert a dog

The machine accepts the dog and mulls over it's decision for a long while, leaving you standing there very impatiently for a good twenty to thirty minutes. Right when you're about to just walk away, the machine shudders and shakes and then spits out dozens upon dozens of the wretched creature-zombies from the Resident Evil movies. They tear off your legs and devour you slowly while you bleed out. You die a horrible, horrible death and then the monsters all return to the machine- leaving behind a smear of blood on the floor where you once were, not even your bones are left behind. The machine glowers red and hums before booming in a deep and possibly demonic voice,  "Muahahahaha! Pwned!"

I insert a cute little caterpillar.

The machine accepts your Caterpillar. After a few moments, it releases a small Butterfly of magnificent beauty. The little creature flies in the erratic little way that butterflies do, before landing on your shoulder. Passersby can not help but comment on the combined beauty of such a creature combined with the radiance that is Nox. However, it is widely agreed that however beautiful this small insect is, it's beauty pales in comparison to that of the beauty who inserted the Caterpillar.

I insert a flirtatious Forum post.

The machine blushes profusely and stares at it's feet bashfully. After a moment or two it produces a thimble with a little string attached to it. Upon the other end of the string is a little white square, gilded card. You open the card to see what is on the inside. Upon the left side of the inside of the card is a little picture of red kissy lips. Upon the right side of the inside of the card it specifically says " chu ! ~ :heart: "

I insert a red piece of paper cut into a heart shape with little hearts drawn all over it.

The machine accepts your heart shaped gift, and its blush deepens. It makes but a whisper of noise in the time it takes to produce a gift worthy of such a delight: A small, plush penguin bounces out of the machine, in it's flippers it holds a plush heart, with 'For the most Beautiful of the Beautiful' engraved in it.

I insert a small Rose, carved of Red birch wood.

The already blushing machine graciously accepts the carved rose. However, it is sadly running out of romantic gifts fast and quickly digs through it's contents, looking for something proper to bestow upon the hopeless romantics inserting such romantic gifts into it. It panics for a long moment before producing a very plain white box. You pick up the box and open it curiously. The inside of the box has a layer of leaves and little sticks, as if it were trying to imitate a natural environment. Right in the middle, gazing up at you is a sizable and rather handsome caterpillar with a little crown upon it's head. On the inside of the lid of the box it states in clearly written letters:

I insert an orange and red penguin bracelet.

The machine accepts your most penguin-esque of bracelets, and smiles to itself at the adorability of it all. Rummaging through all of its belongings, it searches for something that might be suitable for this most beautiful of gift givers. Finally, it produces a gift not totally unlike the preceding one produced, and a small egg pops out. You barely have time to lift it, before it shutters, cracks, and out pops a small, fuzzy, baby penguin. Around it's neck, a small note is attached:

To keep you company, in times when it's most needed...

I insert my 450th post.

the macine thinks the post is great, but since there is nothing elese good, it spits out the $17849236436159846198451439681.19345889104761346 that I put in.

I insert a card which says " Are you a single vending machine? If yes, call this number to get a date"

The Machine spits out a card displaying, "I'm married. My wife is over there ---->"

I insert a soccer ball.

~Drako Eros~

the macine gives you control of the worst soccer team on earth

I insert a Big Red Slipper With Golden Edges

The machine smites you with the slipper. No that's actually actual gold. It's heavy and it hurts.
I insert a piece of lint.

The Machine magically changes the piece of lint into a pair of jeans. Wonder what's next?
I insert a pen, a sword, and a piece of paper saying, "Write which one of these you think is mightier and use the tool you choose."

The machine spits all 3 things out at you. The sword and pen narrowly miss while the paper gives you a papercut between your fingers. It then sprays you with lemon juice.

I insert my phone number

The machine laughs manically and begins handing out cards with your number on it to every girl that passes by. Most of which are either drug addicts or drug dealers. They all constantly call your phone and begin stalking you. You become a closet case.

I insert a pair of fashionable heels.

The machine stares at it, looks at you, and stares at it again. It then slowly raises the shoes up high on a pedastal, and hevenly music starts to play. "My precious...." you hear the machine whisper. It suddenly glares at you with hate in its glowy eyes, and it spits out a single copper coin, before running foog, clicking its heels in joy at his treasure.

I insert Tigger, Pooh, and the Hundred Acre Woods.

you get a tome with the title: The compleat story of winne the pooh and his aquanitances.

I insert A big peice of chocolate cake.

The Machine eat the piece of chocolate cake and spits out pee in your face.

I insert a giant heart.  :heart:

The machine chops up the heart, and hands it back to you on a silver platter. As the saying goes, "Give your heart to someone, and it shall be broken, hurt, and chopped into pieces. You will never be the same again." Choose your lovers better next time!

I insert herbal tea.

The machine looks at the herbal tea as if you were tring to poison it.  It tries adding milk and sugar but the resulting concoction is really really bad.  Spitting the foul brew bad at you, it refuses to give you anything until you find it some real tea, brewed it could be used as roof lining.  With milk and five sugars please.  Someone must have inserted a British Builder at some point.

I insert a fluffy loaf of bread.

The Machine takes the bread, puts it in an oven on 100,000,000,000,000 degrees Celcius and shoots it at your head. The bread burns right through you. The Machine then shouts, "Fatality!"

I insert two tickets to "Yo Mamma!"

you get two tickets to "Yo Daddy"

I insert a minture rocket with a speaker saying "Houston, are we go? Yes, you are go. Commencing lauch in t-14 seconds.

The Machine shoots the rocket right back at you when the speaker says, "You Have Lift off!" And you die because the rocket pierces right through your brain!

I inset a T-shirt with the logo "DX - Suck It!"

the machine became a shedding machine and started shredding your shirt!. And you got the remains of our shirt.  :huh:

I insert a washing machine...

(A fairly tasteful way of dealing with that inappropriate post, Rupert.  Drako, please tone your vending machine entries down.  It's just not funny.)

The machine washes your clothes free of charge, but you forget to separate your whites and colors, staining all your whites like a rainbow.  Whoops!

I insert a Coca-Cola (apologies if this has been done).

it returns as an intense ray of plasma from our sun. Luckily, you only receive schizzophrenia and severe mutilation from aliens in the form of giggling squirrels. (Was that tasteful or what? That's how a jedi does it!)


I insert...............RICHARD SIMMONS!!!!!!!!!!

Richard Simmons returns to haunt you in the form of a dreadfully sweaty Afro and nasty pair of gym socks.  At least you look good in your new hair...

I insert...the improbability drive...and a pair of thermonuclear warheads

*the things that come out don't have to be bad, ya know.*

The machine spits out a cuddly cute pink teddy bear, and that's the last thing it does. The macine explodes.


A new machine comes, and I insert a gold coin into it, just to get the machine on the right track. eg: giving good gifts

the machine inhales and spits a highly suprised whale and a bowl of petuinias at you. There must still be some residual improbability hanging about.

I insert a paranoid android

The machine spits out a machete, much resembling the one Jason Voorhees used in the Friday the 13th films.

I insert an Ohio State A.J. Hawk jersey. Can't wait to see what I get.

You get a Tennessee Titans football jersey

I insert a big purple poster with beautiful illustraitons.
 :graph:

you got a Picasso painting that was ruined by Mr. Bean  :grin:



 :rolling: I insert my hand

I get a warm firm handshake.....


.....I insert a thank you note :grin:

 :rolling: you get a welcome note  :grin:



I insert my homework in anatomy

You get a human cadaver with a "best if used by" date stamped onto it.

I insert a seventeen-hundred word sentence.

You get a little ticket that says "Impossible" and you receive the Anarchist Cookbook.

I insert a Snickers bar and a Camel wide cigarette.

you get a melted hershey's bar and a poster that says" NO SMOKING" :graph:

*finds a melted Hershey bar and a sign that says "NO SMOKING" lying on ground and puts it into the machine...

Gets back a hippy from scandanavia...


I insert my tongue after cutting it out without any numbing...

you get a mouth piece....

I insert an another vending machine

I get "Mini-vending machine" (exactly 1 eighth my size!)

I insert an angry cop and a donut.

a happy cop and a fully consumed donut....(in his stomach of course!)

i insert cat woman and my neighbors dog

Catwoman drops out of the machine in handcuffs. The dog gains the powers of Invisible Woman from Fantastic Four and starts barking uncontrollably.

I insert a glove and a blank piece of paper.

The master hand from Zelda pops out, riding a giant flaming paper airplane of DOOM!

I insert Frank Sinatra and a rusty trombone.

The machine begins singing "Ain't That a Kick in the Head". It also grows arms, legs and a face; not unlike those of a Transformer. Then suddenly a puppy falls out.

I insert the puppy and a cell phone.

Out comes a bill from a kennel and a cell phone bill.

I insert a strip off laffy-taffy

You get back the Joker, screeching maniacally as he clutches your laughee-taffee and bolts away from a closely pursuing Batman.

I insert the MIghty Ducks hockey team and a pair of Leiterhosen.

You recieve the mighty ducks air fare to some small country in northern europe. Switzerland it appears to say, but the machine crumpled it badly, and it has coffee stains.

I insert a nutrimatic drink dispenser (share and enjoy)

Out comes fountains of whiskey that you sadly drown in. Hopefully you have nine lives...

I insert a drunken fraternity member in a dress with a prada bag about his neck as he had been choked to death with it...(some angry sorority girls)

Out comes Satan, wearing prada of course, brandishing a pitchfork and howling about the injustice of it all.

I quickly shove him and his distasteful cross dressing back into the vending machine.

The machine spits out a portal to... that other place, and it swallows you whole before closing in a flash of naptha and brimstone.

I insert an anti newbie firewall and a shield.

after a short rumbling noise and a couple of loud belches (accompanied by sulfurous smoke clouds), the machine spits out a flaming shield - that is too hot to get near, making it useless.


I insert a coconut, and a flying proa (native canoe)

You get back a Somoan in an outrigger, strumming a uke and singing..."Talofa, Talofa!"

I put in a taro root and a bowl of poi.

You get a slightly pissed off elephant, wondering why you're putting in toxic roots. It foce-feeds you the Poi, which has turned old and painfully sour by now.

I put in a Celine Dion CD.

You get an undead heart, still beating despite being slightly green and furry.

I insert a red skirt with white lace edging.

The machine eats the skirt and promptly sprouts legs to wear it. The machine then proceeds down to the costume shop to collect the rest of the Mrs. Claus outfit before slapping a youth for staring at her "lumps" which as it turns out, was the power leads.

I insert myself.

You get back your mind.  However, you body has been somehow "misplaced" within the rusty innards of the machine, and there is no way to retrieve it.  You are therefore doomed to spend eternity as a disembodied soul with a vendetta against vending machines, which of course prevents you from getting any of that delicious afterlife junkfood.  Doesn't that suck?

I insert the Governator and a fortune cookie.

From now on he gets re-elected into infinity. You also get the cookie's paper, which reads "I'll be back!"

I insert my headache.

The machine starts playing loud polka music which gives you a migraine.
Teach you!

I insert a pencil

The pencil drops out of the machine about five seconds later ... attatched to a Psychology final exam. Begin ... now!

I insert a White Stripes CD.

Out comes the most emo song from The Used, and you cry at it's crappy arm cutting touchy lyrics and heavy metal chords.

Edit: I forgot to insert something, well i insert jebus, the italian version of sweeney todd reincarnated 100 years after his death by a perverted monkey with a fruit knife...

you get a very painful infection in all ten fingers. HA

I insert a picture of  :heart: Kalina  :heart:

You get Named, which I think is just the polite, elven way of saying owned.  ... ... I insert a synthetic diamond ring.

You get a synthetic, polyester bride in return.

I insert a truely awfull profanity.

You get a bar of soap with a note attached:

"Directions: Apply to mouth. Rinse. Repeat. Use treatment twice daily."

I insert a glass of chocolate milk.

You get a glass of chocolate milk. The display now reads "What, no whipped cream?"

I insert a big box of bleach.

The machine rumbles loudly just before spitting the bleach out, into your eyes. Strangely the bleach doesn't ruin your vision but it does wash away all the colors of the world. Leaving you in a drab world of gray hues.

*Pulls out a 'dragon' feather from her tiny pocket and inserts that into the machine.*

The feather spits back at you. On fire. Setting you on fire. You burn.

I insert a wikipedia.

You get all the knowledge in the Wiki. However, you are no longer certain that any of it is true, and require at least threefold aknowledgment in order to process and save new memories.

I put in.... a bag of winegums.


hmmmm.. yummy winegums...

You get a bag of vitamn gummy bears
I insert a red carpet

You get smacked by Avril Lavigne because she thinks you're quote: Paparazzi swine.

I insert a hunting knife

The Vending machine decides to reject the Hunting knife. Blade first. You die

I insert Garrins corpse

The wretched stink of death fills the forums with a noxious fog that suffocates everyone. You receive a chocolate brownie topped with rank mayonaise.

I insert a dollar.

you receive golden dragon feces in molten lava form with chunky hot peanut bits at the center.

I insert a disgusted leprechaun...

You get disgusting luck. Whole bunch of spaces because my phone won't do a hard return. I insert an ancient trilobite fossil.

you get a museum, of which you are the curator. Unfortunately, the museum falls on you, and you have to spend 2 years in Rehab.

I insert an ordinary raffle ticket.

The machine gurgles for a moment before spewing out a good four one-gallon buckets worth of coins to pool in a pile at your feet. However, to your dismay, you pick one up to find that it is merely a small disc-shaped haggis-flavored chocolate wrapped in gold foil.

I insert a little piece of my heart.

You get the man of your dreams, all wrapped up flung out, better unwrap him soon...


I put in my cellphone.

You get searing death for making the person before you receive a happy granting of her wish...

I insert the Lord himself(should be interesting...)

You get destroyed by His brilliance and magnifigance, Argon comes back to life with $100,000,000,000, and Nessa gets a heart-shaped box of chocolates for the trouble, and the machine bows to her and says, "Enjoy those sweets, fair maiden."

I insert a gold-wrapped chocolate coin.

You receive a silver coated poison blade that flings itself at you out of the machine.

I insert a fortune cookie...

you get bad luck, and you die

I insert a dollar.

You get a bag of stale Doritos and a ticket to a Poison concert from 1990.

I insert Friends, season 1 on DVD.

you get season 2

insert a pig

you receive angry strips of bacon that kill you.

I insert a small kitten.

out pops a small furry handbag that makes a meowing noise when squeezed, and a purring noise when stroked.


I insert an art philosophy textbook

You recieve the Mona Lisa.

I insert a full can of cold and yummy Dr. Pepper.

After a short whir from the machine, you receive a small, unlabeled bottle, that on examination seems to always produce Cold and Yummy Dr. Pepper.

I insert the universe.

You receive a book containing the answers to all of life's Biggest questions, typed in large font for easy reading with cute little diagrams on the side. On the cover, in big lavender font is the number '42'.

I insert bad feelings, gift-wrapped.

you recieve good feelings, but they're not gift wrapped. NNNOOO!!!

I insert glue

you get stikiness of DOOOM!
I reprogram my computer and shove it in the machine

The machine wobbles and rattles violently. The machine reformats your computer for you.

I insert a gallon of Purell.

you get a gallon of Shout

Since you forgot to insert something, I get to do it for you. I insert you. I get back you only after being run through a wood grinder, the contents emptied into a dumpster and torched with fifteen gallons of gasoline. Now that that's over with ... onto what I was going to post.

I insert Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock and a PS3 wireless GH3:LoR controller

you get a mangled Nintendo WII with a PS3 contoller and XBox games.

I insert a particle accelerator.

You get a baby. It's a boy. Congrats and good luck. His name is Wizzy.

I insert Pikel.

After a moment of jumbling, a few indignant yelps, and several curses later, you receive a Pikel! Unlike the shabby one you entered, this one is in a tuxedo and has flowers for the Gorgeous Precious. He tumbles out with a smile on his face and hands you a beautiful bauquet of flowers before grabbing you around the waist, picking you up and giving you eskimo kisses.

I insert a cheesy nickname.

The machine rumbles for a moment before spewing out a wheel of moldy cheese. The best cheese ever. However, you seem to have given the machine a tummy ache... it 'urps unhappily.

I insert a corgi named Kap

The machine grumbles. From within it's depths the yelping of a corgi named kap can be heard. After a few seconds, an identical corgi pops out. After a moment of confusion, you check the name tag and instead of "Kap" the tag reads "Joxer".

I insert a Ball Python named Persephone.

The ball python slithers deep into the bowels of the machine. You hear a groaning of metal being bent. Then more. The machine shakes almost violently for a moment before all is quiet again... Sadly, it seems that the snake has broken the machine. You get nothing for your troubles.

In the new machine, I insert a new and very shiny penny.

The new, naive maching takes your penny. It thinks a moment, as new things are want to do, before spitting out a spiffy New Xbox. One that is immune to the Red Ring of Death.

I insert a cute little Penguin.

The machine squawks. You flinch and scuttle back a few steps, giving the contraption a worried look. The machine squawks again and you fall backward onto your rump. Quiet laughter can be heard echoing eerily from within the machine before a petite girl comes tumbling out of the it. She seems to be naked until she stands up from the heap that she fell onto the floor in. Standing at her not-so-impressive height, she is obviously wearing a teeny tiiiny bikini made up of little pieces of cloth with penguin-print on it that just barely cover her assets. Pulling her bright green goggles over her eyes, she fluffs her oddly backwards hair, and purses her bright red lipsticked lips before squawking again and tackling you just as you were finally getting to your feet.

I insert a delightful possum.

The machine chuckles to itself as it decides to somewhat repeat itself....kind of. A red-headed boy pops out, wearing nothing but a possum hat not unlike those found in "A Goofy Movie". The boy stands up, blushes  and smiling awkwardly, and waves sheepishly to you.

I insert Aladdin Pants!

The machine just sits there quietly. It does nothing at all. Nothing. After a while you give up on getting anything and decide to turn and start walking away. The machine chooses that moment to spit out a large, rolled up carpet at the back of your head. You land face first on the ground. Upon looking up, you find that the rug has unrolled itself. It looks exactly like the carpet off of Aladdin. Sadly, you find that there isn't anything magical about it.

I insert a notebook.

The machine makes noise not unlike a printer. after a few moments, the Same notebook falls out, this time filled with questions for the redheaded boy.

I insert an apartment in florida.

The machine sighs and dumps out a hyper man in hot pink shorts and rollerblades.

I insert red nail polish.

Out pops a sparkly red nail polish!

I insert a cute butt!

The machine whirs momentarily and you hear a plopping noise. THen the machine shoots a pile of feces at you.

I insert a Pins Calada in a jumbo cup

You get 50 bottles of vodka, and the machine vomits into a nearby dumpster.

I insert a green umbrella and a jazz CD.

You get showered with water, and a little microphone appears just about mouth height.  "SING"!  the machine comands.

I insert a raincoat.

you get...... nothing. The machine rumbles like a storm, and nothing comes out. When you go away, the machine yells " Wait! I've got your gift!"
When you turn around, the machine gives you a package that says " Instant storm caplets. 20 drizzles, 10 rains, and 5 storms. Use one at a time. WARNING: DO NOT INJEST!!!"

What a strange gift....


I insert a floppy pink hat with a green tuxedo.

You hear a voice speak. 'YUK!'  a hand pops out and slaps you accross the face.  'And that's for you bad fashion sense.'  You turn away with a red mark on your cheek and a broke pride.

I insert a purple pogo stick.

You hear a horrible noise, a mixture of unholy screehing and grinding. After a few seconds a teal bunny rabbit falls out of the machine. Not just any bunny did you get, you received the Teal Bunny of Death and the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

I insert my love for Star Wars movies.

You receive a little monopoly hotel piece.


I insert my voice.

You recieve a Fancy micophone for ROCK BAND!

....I insert ma piano

You receive a record deal and sadly find out that all musicians, even the horribly famous ones, are actually dirt poor.

I insert all my love.

You recieve that love back Tenfold. With kisses and hugs and loves. :)

I Insert a penguin tattoo

A little penguin slides out of the machine and happily makes whatever sound it is that happy little penguins make before waddling away.

I insert my left shoe.

You recieve your right shoe :P

I insert a taped up Flip Flop

The machine grumbles and spits the flip flop back out at you.

I insert a small cat.

The machine roars with anger, and produces a cute corgie.

I insert a tap dancing unicorn

The machine refuses at first but ends up giving in and letting you insert the tap dancing horned horse. It's unhappy and feels taken advantage of, so it gives you a calender that's three years old and some lint.

I insert Altario.

you get Altario Sushi.

I insert death.

You receive death in various forms, all simultaneously like one would receive on Venus.

I insert a quarter.

You get a Quarter Back!

I insert Santa.

Through some twisted logic, you get many of Santa's helper elves with all the tools to make you as many toys as you wish.

I enter my last $20 bill.

You get someone else's first twenty-dollar bill, only in the form of used consumables.

I insert a little piece of happiness.

You get 10 free Barney videos, to stuck out the rest of that happiness.

I insert my StarCraft CD.

You get your character.  The only problem is he is paper thin and blows away.

I insert a killer raven.

you get Edgar Allen Poe's poem, The Raven.
I insert a CMS pamphlet

You receive a brick.

I insert a child's heart (http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj316/LilPingu/VM-noxchildheartdoublepanel.jpg).

You receive a baby growing in your belly!

I insert a comfy pair of flip flops!

The machine grumbles with indecision. It then produces a shield that is shiny enough to be used as a mirror and a sword. It also reminds you to be sure not to look her in the face, even after you've stolen her head.

I insert a jug of tea.

The machine carefully tastes the tea, determines it to be Green Tea, and purrs contentedly. It spits out shards of rock-solid 99% black chocolate.

I insert broken toothpicks.

An army of very sharp wooden spears shoot out, impaling everything in view.

I insert a pack of guitar strings...

You receive instructins on how to become the greatest rock guitarist in history.

I insert my steel-toed sneakers.

You receive a swift kick to the shin. Ouch. What a rude vending machine.

I insert a Dr Pepper.

The machine goes "bleuch!" and sprays you with Dr. Pepper and dust.  Lucky you!

I insert a small pink mouse.

The vending machine, after a rumbling moment full of nothing but noise, then returns the pink mouse to you. Only, it's not small at all. In fact, it's much larger than you. You are then promptly eaten by a very large, ridiculous looking pink mouse. You manage to build a small home there and cause the poor, stupid critter a lot of indigestion.

I insert a pair of lime green high heels.

As you are removing your hand from the slot, a lanky gay Scotsman accosts you, yelling "What are you doing, those were my second-favourite pair!".  Sadly they are gone forever and the vending machine gives you only a small hand towel to protect you from Petros's singing revenge.  Oh no!

I insert half a jaguar, the half with the teeth.

You receive the front half of a fur coat with buttons made of bone and the jaguar's brain in a jar. However, the vending machine keeps the teeth, making dentures for itself. The machine gives you a grisly smile before bounding off into the wilderness in search of food.

I insert an adorable penguin.

The machine creeps cautiously and threateningly back towards you to accept the baby penguin, and then brutally gobbles it down with the new dentures.  It leaves you a small dead, half-eaten mouse as a thankyou, and pauses to spray a tree on it's way out.

I insert a worming tablet.

You receive a five gallon bucket of fishing bait, an Ugly Stik rod and Shimano reel all the latest fish catching technological gizmos. Happy fishing!

I insert my hopes and dreams.

You get nothing. Sorry.

I insert Altario's shirt.

You received Altario's pants???

I insert an evil monkey.

You get a peel of an evil banana thrown at you from the vending machine every couple of minutes. You the realise that you put the monkey in a evil banana vending machine, so he is very unlikely to come out any time soon. So you stroll away, its no big deal, he was evil after all. But as the days go by you start to miss your monkey and so after a week you return to the vending machine to get your evil monkey back, with plans to rule the world together. You walk up to the vending machine, pushing through the pile of banana peels in front of it, and knock on the machine, calling for your monkey. But he doesn't come. Because, your evil monkey is no longer in there. He had finished the bananas and rushed off to China, where they had recently invented a time machine. He sneaks into it and is sent back to the year 1898. Your monkey then travels to Zürich, Switzerland. He meets up with Albert Einstein, who take the evil monkey as his own. Together they then take over the world, two brilliant minds working for a common cause. Back at the vending machine, you know all about your evil monkey, who is now supreme ruler of the world. You have known about him all your life, and every day you miss him more. He has been kept alive by an longevity machine Einstein had invented, shortly after which the monkey murdered him, most evilly. So you kneel by the vending machine and weep. And from the machine out pops a tissue, free of charge.

I insert a chocolate covered hair.

you receive a hair covered chocolate. you pick the hairs off and eat it, but for the rest of the day it keeps coming into your mind that the only reason you assumed it was a chocolate is that you put in a chocolate hair. you have nightmares about rats carrying toilet roll.

i insert a half melted zebra.

you get.....
(drumroll)
A hamster!
A metal hamster!
I insert a dime

the machine is silent. for three days you keep a vigil outside its grim maw, until eventually a hand apparently wearing quite a sharp suit jacket and an expensive looking watch (you know, the kind with phases of the moon and an altitude thingy and stuff) is extruded from the slot, and hands you a piece of paper before disapearing back into the machine. you read the paper:
"go away and stop bothering me. you can't get anything for a dime these days, everyone knows that."

i insert a salamander wearing a silk top hat.

Immediately the machine jumps and emits a boggy kind of noise. The other people in the room look disapprovingly at you. The machine repeats its hop and gurgle. (There is petulant whispering from the other guests.) You realize that the salamander has given the vending machine the hickups. Unfortunately, the machine made good use of the silk hat -- out bounces Silky, the Silken Dragon! Silky immediately loves you, and declares so noisily. Several annoyed onlookers get up from their chairs and surround Silky and you. The besotted dragon, having finished the poem, gives you a friendly hug and smiles blissfully, before bursting into song ("Love will tear us apart" by Joy Division). The crowd now openly threaten violence. You flee in panic -- pursued by Silky, the silken dragon.

I insert seven useless New Year's resolutions.

You spend the next year ignoring these promises to yourself and with the passing of 365 days, you gain 58 pounds and your lungs and cancerous from smoke. You have no proper diet and you teeth begin to rot due to that. You never accoplish anything because you never stopped procreastinating. You are now divorced due to the lack of time you said you'd spend with your family. You are lazy and have no energy because you never exersied and finally you no money left because you never did start spending it wisely. You now are an out-of-shape hasbeen who is single, misreable and broke with failing health. All because you didn't view these resolutions as an object of importance. (thank God it ain't really like that.)

I stand behind Khiran while he carefully deliberates what he should put in the vending machine. He is so engrossed going between ketchup and catsup, I push in front of him without him knowing and insert a glass with spongebob on the front.

The machine remains silent for a while, awestruck by Khiran's coming up with exactly seven dire consequences for seven abandoned resolutions. Then it shivers, shakes off its reverent reverie, and gets its act together. Mannix, you receive a lovely set of square undergarments. Handle with care! They are made out of glass, and are just perfect for your mantlepiece.

I insert a puppeteer.

there is a horrible grinding noise from the machine, accompanied by a heart rending scream of "i'm a real boooooooooy! argh! urk argle bleckarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!-"
silence for exactly 1 minute 13 seconds, and the machine extrudes a sock puppet with looks exactly like my dog - i.e - like a very dirty, manky grey sock puppet, possibly knitted from used scrubbing brushes, into approximately the shape of a small dog. the sock puppet burps at you, and you put it on. there is goo inside. take it off, uurrgh.

i insert three toffee wrappers, an odd sock (green) and a Fratelli's CD with jam on.

The machine stamps its feet and whimpers: 'Have Mercy! Look, it's been a long day, and you really can't expect me to cope with green socks at this time of night.' Then, composing itself: "I do enjoy a good character description with jam, though. Yum! Who is this Fratelli? I think I might just give you a toffee sock, and a jam session too, if you like - would you prefer Miles Davis or Herbie Hancock?

I insert a lullaby.

The Vending Machine spits a very happy, but Mad Elvling, Me! He starts hugging everyone around.

I insert a Small Gold ring with firey letters glowing on its inside edge. I mutter "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."  which you can't make heads or tails of.

(ha! i just watched "the fellowship of the ring this morning on my ipod!)
  The vending machine shakes and then begins to glow. Then the ring pops back out in the slot. Believing nothing has or Will happen, you pocket the ring and before long, the ring beckons to you and begins to drive you mad. You attack anyone who comes near it and it corrupts your mind and you loose track of the years and 68 years has passed. all spent in solitude. The ring prolongs you're death and you grow weaker with the passing of each day. Finally the ring decides you are of no use and it removes it hold on you and the next day you die. Alone, forgotten and ugly.


Inserts a raccoon

lol, rabid racoon for you! enjoy rabbies!

Inserts my phone number.

At the moment, nothing happens. You go home disappointed and then 3 days later you get a call. the voice that comes through your Motorola razor speakers is a soft and majestic voice that melts all of your fears and worries. This is the daily norm for 2 year. You begin to fall in love with the person on the other line. you beg to meet them and after many many months of pleading, she agrees. you then meet her the next day at an Italian restaurant only to discover that she is infact a he!!! the rest is up to you...



inserts an old beetles record

a swarm of shiny golden scarb beetles, each sporting minute feathered winggs tucked neatly under their expensive elytra, rush from the slot, climb all over you and clothe you in a beautiful glittering beelte suit. dont move, though, or they will go crunch, and you will have thousands of beetle murders on your conscience.

i insert my favourite orange hoody, shrunk in the wash.  :angry:

out pops a octopus version of Felik, who lays eggs in your stomach.

inserts the dead Axel Rose

You receive a beautiful , red rose, who is weeping, apparently inconsolably. She (for the rose is a lady) cries out in a heartrending wail. Then she snorts like a woodhog, sniffs like a connoisseur of nose candy, and begins to rummage through her pockets, probably looking for a handkerchief. Instead, she finds a magnificient and humonguous battle-axe, recently sharpened, which she proceeds to wave about a bit. Mind your legs! The exercise seems to make her feel better, though, and she soon summons the strength to walk off and look for a cafe with some decent music.

I insert three mothballs and a cup of camomile tea.

You get the cup of tea back. Picking it up you feel rather cheated. The machine just stole your mothballs. Oh well, better not let the tea go to waste. You blow on the tea first, and steam leaps from the cup, hitting your nose. An odd smell pierces your nostrils, not very tea-like. It smells peculiarly musky. Curious, you take a sip from the cup. Your tongue is greeted by the most pleasurable taste ever to fill our mouth. It seemed familiar, yet you can’t put your finger on what made this tea so good. So you take another sip, and another, and another, until only a few drops remain at the bottom of your cup. And still you don’t know what made it so special.

Over the next few days you spend agonisingly long hours pondering what was in the tea. Eventually, still without an answer, your yearning for another taste of the tea becomes to great and so you go out and buy as much tea and milk and as many mothballs as you can carry. Returning to the machine, you make a cup of tea. You take a sniff, but I just isn’t the same as your other tea. You must have some more.

So you insert the tea and three mothballs into the machine, and after the customary whirring, out pops another cup of tea. You take a whiff. Musky. Excited, you drink the whole cup in one gulp, not caring about the heat. It is like pure ecstasy, a taste unlike any other. As the taste starts to fade your yearning is still present. Making another cuppa, you insert it into the machine, along with the mothballs.

After several cups, you grow frustrated with the machine. Banging on it with your fists you scream, “What is in the tea? Why won’t you tell me?” No answer. Completely depressed, you slump to the ground to sulk. In a barely audible whisper you say, “What are you even doing with those mothballs?” And then it strikes you. The musky scent, oddly familiar. Mothballs are the secret ingredient. After making and drinking one final cup, you return home, thoroughly happy.

After a few days, and idea dawns on you. Perhaps you could make something out of this. And so over the next few months you set up a mothball tea producing factory around the vending machine. You have tried making the tea yourself, but it’s just not the same. Business goes brilliantly and everyone loves your tea, and so you.

But with friends come enemies, namely Wotho Kin Overborroughs, a prosperous cha’ah grower. But his prosperity has somewhat diminished since you came to town, fuelling his hate for you. He sneaks a spy into your factory and learns your horrible secret ingredient. Word gets out and sales drop. Nobody wants to consume mothballs. The health authorities come and shut you down and the vending machine becomes public again. Oh well, easy come, easy go.

---

I insert a rusty spoon, with a few drops of dried chocolate sauce caked on to it.

Mannix

hahaha, mannix, you almost make it worth while...

You get seven heralds trumpeting loudly in your ears, Mannix. You also contract tetanus from accumulated bad karma.

I insert my broken heart.

As soon as your heart touches the machine light burst from it, surrounding you. You cover you eyes and stumble backwards. Slowly the bright patches on your eyes fade and your open them. The light is gone and you see the machine has given you your items. A roll of sticky-tape/cellotape/whatever else you want to call self-adhesive tape and a bar of chocolate lie a very short distance from your heart.You pick them up, the chocolate and tape in your left hand and the heart in your right. Quite befuddled, you look from one item to the other and then back again. You hear a quiet noise and looking back at the vending macine to see a small white card. Picking it up you see writing on it and read it. It tells you, "Tape and chocolate, excellent for mending." Again you hear a noise from the machine's direction, this time louder. When you look back up at it you see it has sprouted to arms. Shuffling across the floor towards you it wraps its arms around you in a hug. It seems you have broken the curse of the corrupted vending machine. Instead of a gift with a catch to it, as it had been giving of late, you have recieved a nice gift, with no strings attached.

I insert the tusk of a rather vengeful elephant.

The machine sprouts two demonic black horns and cackles in evil laughter. A pair of glowing red eyes opens on the machine and a mouthful of sharp yellow fangs comes forth. You watch as it also sprouts a set of four arms and grows a spider's eight-legged abdomen. The machine walks toward you with a sadistic and bloodthirsty look on its face. In cowardice, you backpedal and stumble. The machine picks you up, smiles and says "Happy New Year." You hear a clank from the machine and look down. You got a really ugly hat.

I insert my steel-toed shoes.

you recve the god of health and safety. he is a small god, only coming up to your knees, and is made entirely from reflective plastic. his eyes are presumably behind the thich safety goggles he wears under a glowing yellow builders hat, and he looks up at you, brandishing a clipboard. aww, isnt he cute. you take him home and feed him the labels off things until he gets bored and goes away to get a job working for the council.

i insert my frozen pinkie fingers, which snapped off this morning from frostbite sustained whilst trying to do a biology exam in the hall. brr.

The machine presents you with (1) a set of artificial fingers that can read and memorize school textbooks, and are also capable of automatically writing down the correct answers to exam questions, (2) a magic radiator that follows you around on its two pairs of legs and answers to the name of Fluffy, and (3) a stink bomb that you may use to take revenge on the school caretaker, or on whoever is responsible for your loss of limb. The machine also wishes you good luck with your exams.

I insert a small piece of obsidian that I found in an icecave in Iceland.

the machine starts to rattle violently, and a strange figure steps out of it, laeving the slot considerably wider than usual. she is a beautiful stone queen, with quartz skin and eyes like frost rimed burning malachite. she steps towards you, viewing you with a fossilized and ancient superiority. you quickly bow to her, getting down on one knee, you find yourself shaking - she is so cold.
she stops, a stalactite hand going to her heart, from which she pulls a fistful of something you can't see. she reaches for your hand and you shudder as she takes your wrist, averting your eyes from the terrible stony grip of her glittering fingers. you feel something cold and hard pressed into your palm, and her grip eases, releasing your hand. you open your eyes to find her gone. in your hand is the peice of obsidian. it was too pretty - the vending machine has had an attck of conscience and couldn't take it from you. and now you know where it came from.

i insert a bottle filled with the small of old books.

The machine takes the bottle, and it immediately begins to smell of old, leather bound books.
It soon spits out a whole library of books, which land in a neat pile next to you.
I insert a coca-cola.

A santa squeezes out the slot and gives you a big hug then gives you a coke. WHen you drink it milk comes out. Infront of you stands the milk man. He gives you a hand shake then gives you a milk. When you drink the milk only slushie comes out. Infront of you is a guy in the Slush Puppie suit. You pucnh the man in suit, you then slowly melts into jellie. You then eat the jellie.


Insert a Hypno Toad  :evil:

The Vending Machine rumbles, and then sends out hypnotic waves. You are caught, and the Vending Machine tells you to jump off a cliff. Poor you.
The toad comes out, with no powers whatsoever, and it appears that the Vending Machine has lost its powers too.
I insert a miniature piano.

The miniature piano gets jammed in the vending machine's slot as you try to force the end if it inside. There is a bright shine of rainbow lights, and suddenly the piano is at your feet. There is a green post-it note placed on the top that reads:

"A piano will not fit inside of a vending machine, but thanks for trying."

I insert a pink CareBear

You get a teddy bear dressed as The Punisher, complete with a M4 assault rifle and twin .50 Desert Eagles.

I insert Crossed issue 3. (Comic book series I'm following with great interest. Some consider it VERY offensive. I like it. The art is great although it's a little more violent than I expected. Story is that a nuke went off and some of the survivors have an inverted cross on their face. They believe they are the chosen to go to Heaven and can commit no sin so they run around committing acts of total depravity and corruption. Check it out if you are of age 17+. I'll warn you now, it's violent, vulgar and sexual.)

The comic book is pushed into the slot, then the vending machine starts shake and the incredible Hulk steps out. You gasp in surprise, but then you pull out a pin and stab the Hulk. Air can be heard wheezing out as the Hulk slowly shrinks. He shouts at you but it only comes out as a squeak.

Insert a leper.  :grin:

You get the Messiah.

I insert a birthday cake.

with a noise like one of those party squeaker things, a selection of grubby napkins and a smell of flat orangeade drop dejectedly from the machine, followed by a small pink penguin wearing a party hat.

i insert the latest issue of Wolverine and Deadpool.

You get nothing, sorry.

I insert a cord.

You get an accordion!
I insert a pencil

you get a very rushed and smudgy, but otherwise not that bad, sketch of the inside of a vending machine. it appears most of the pencil was used up in drawing the large amonuts of darkness inside.

i insert a small demon made of chewing gum.

And you get a stick of chewing gum made out of demon guts

I insert my finger.

you are extremely foolish. if you're very lucky, you'll be allowed out one day. but atleast theres a decent comic book to read, somewhere in there...

i insert a shoe filled with red ink.

You get a stunning pair of bright red high heels that are two sizes too small.

I insert all my love.

And you get me!  :heart:  Huh, wasn't stuck in there as long as I thought.

I insert $1.25

You receive a Diet Coke.

I insert my fetish boots.

You receive an Odor Eaters shoe insert

I insert my Yoda pez dispenser.

Revieve "Official Star Wars Nerd" pin you do, yes.


I insert my Stetson.

you receive a big black horse with a chewing tobacco addiction. so now you can ride away into the sunset.

i insert an ocellated lizard called ignacio.

*woulda preffered a big Bay horse.. but, oh well, black is next best*

through an accident involving radiation, your lovely lil lizard grows to become Ignaciozilla, and terrorizes your hometown.

I insert a chinese fortune cookie

You get a ticket for Chinese laundry pick up.

I insert my English homework

You get a tangled mess of chewed and slobbery paper that looks suspiciously as if a dog has tried to eat it.

I insert a large and balding hamster.

You get a ball of naked quivering flesh.

I insert my junky cell phone.

The vending machine gobbles up your cellphone in spite and then spits out a brand new iPhone to reward you for your troubles. Sadly, the iPhone is made out of the same type of rubber that is used in children's toys. Congratulations, you have received the brand new, one of a kind, Knock-off Blackberry.

I insert a very rude person.

The machine rattles violently and coughs up a mass of oil all over your shirt. Sorry.  ;) :pet:

I insert Facebook.

The machine expands and expands until it seems ready to burst. Instinctively you shield you eyes, and open them when the blast is over. Covered in shrapnel wounds, you seem to have released the beast.

In horror, you find an innumerable mass of teenage girls who love Twilight, think Debussy is their favorite composer (although they have only heard Au Claire De La Lune), and have a quirky way of smiling at you and looking away.

They keep smiling at you and quickly looking away for a few minutes, and you notice that they've been having a conversation with each other. Little do you know that they've decided to devour you.

In a matter of a few minutes, there isn't even any bone left of you. A mouse creeps over and scuttles away with the last piece of hair that previously belonged to you. Happy Thanksgiving Lorek :fish:

I cautiously make my way through the crowd of young ladies, and insert a quarter into the machine; banging it a few times to shake loose a candy bar I've had my eye on.