Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters Archive II => Topic started by: Maue on March 29, 2008, 09:10:07 AM



Title: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on March 29, 2008, 09:10:07 AM
Name:
Maue Sinian

Gender:
Female

Age:
229

Race:
Elf

Tribe:
Aellenrhim

Occupation:
Forest Guide

Title:
The Green Rider

Appearance:
Maue is lean but does not look fragile. Her eyes are a brilliant green, similar to holly leaves in summer. Her hair is brown but under the right light it appears to be olive  green. This occurs most often when the light around her is dim or at least not straight from the sun. No matter what color it currently is, Maue's hair will always float into her face. She refuses to tie it back out of some inner stubbornness that lacks all reason. Her face is worn by the earth and travel. She is tall for her kind but not overbearingly so. Her hands are well callused and on her left palm she has a scar. On her right shoulder she has a tattoo of a falcon.

Height:
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Palmspans, 1 Nailsbreadth, 2 Grains.

Hair Color:
Brown but looks green under the right light

Eye Color:
Green

Clothing:
Maue wears green and brown. She always wears a version of the same outfit; a green tunic and brown pants. She wears brown boots that come to her mid calf. She also has an olive green cloak. Maue's favorite tunic goes to just past her waist and is ivy green. It has a willow embroidered onto its right side. The sleeves are loose but the neck comes close to her actual neck. Her favorite breeches are long and loose. They are the dark brown of fresh mud. Her boots are soft but tight at the ankle. They are well made and good for walking or riding.

Personality:
Maue  is an extremely stubborn individual. When she makes up her mind about a subject, or a person, it does not change without a lot of convincing. She is withdrawn and doesn't like to speak to others. Maue watches everything, trying to learn. This is exemplified by that fact that she will sit in the back of a room and listen to every conversation that she can hear. Maue tries to understand how people can get along and why different groups choose each other. Although she does not speak much when someone does manage to get her going on a subject that she is pertinent about she will defend her position for hours. She is well educated and can some times appear arrogant. Maue is also very curious and can combine this with her stubbornness to discover any subject that she can. The one thing that Maue keeps to tie her to her past is her worship of the god Arvins.

Strengths:
She is smart and knows the Bolder and Thaelon forests, and the areas around them very well, having traveled continuesly since leaving her people. This allows her to pass either unnoticed through the forest or to lead others through the forest to the nearby cities and villages.

She is extremely good with animals and is very perceptive about them. This has come from spending more of her life with animals than with her own kind. She can tell by their movements or the way they are behaving what it is that they mean. A brief example involving horses. What ever their ears are pointing towards they are paying attention to. If their ears are in different directions they are relaxed. If their ears are down they are ticked. If you can see the whites of their eyes they are scared, and likely running. Maue trusts animals and they can feel this.

She is also skilled with her daggers. Maue first learned to fight with daggers after she moved out on her own. She practices when she is alone in the forest, which is much of the time.



Maue learned Tharian when she was young and living in her tribe like most young Aellenrhim.


Maue's animals. Witz, her horse, allows Maue to travel quicker from place to place. Cal, her Corbie friend, finds water from the air and Maue follows him.

Weaknesses:

Maue is too stubborn for her own good. When someone tells her that she is doing something incorrectly or going the wrong way she will ignore them until she is horribly lost either in the new skill she was trying to learn or on the path she was following.


She is also afraid of magic. Another quirk of Maue's mind connected her brother's death to magic and she now can not function when she sees someone use magic. She refuses to lead magic users through the forest and questions all possible costumers about the fact.


Maue is a loner and avoids her people. She feels this and lets it separate her even more. This has reinforced her self imposed exile from her tribe. When she acts as a guide she is a leader but is very quiet and reserved.


Maue is also afraid of heights. This fear developed after the death of her brother. The first time she tried to climb a tree after his death she found she couldn't stand the height above 3 peds.


Witz. His personality has caused Maue to be kicked out of multiple inns. She now warns all hostlers to stay away and that she will tend him.

History:
   Maue was her parent's first child. Five minutes after she was born her twin brother, Tyrone, was born. The two were extremely close growing up. They attacked their lessons with a passion that surprised their teachers. While Maue devoured poetry, biology, and geography, her brother learned fire magic with the same passion.
   When the two were 30 Tyrone became ill with a mysterious illness that shocked everyone. People began to think that he was done with his life, but Maue knew better. She went into his room armed with what she knew of the local plants and planned on trying to help him. When she touched him she received a great shock. This is where her scar on her palm comes from. Tyrone in his delusions did not realize that is sister had come to see him and had attacked Maue. 
   After Tyrone died, Maue left her family. Angry that her family and their friends and not done more to help her twin Maue swore to avoid her people. She still feels resentment because in her mind Tyrone should have lived[/color]. She travels the Bolder and Thaelon forests guiding those who wish to pass through to earn pay always avoiding her family though.                 
Maue prays to Arvins to help her on her hunt for her brother's killer. When she first began her search she had a tattoo of a falcon placed on her shoulder in honor of the great hunter.
              Maue first met her friend Cal, the Corbie when he was wounded and needed help. She healed him over many weeks and offered him food. This made him as curious as she had been. She told him of her history and other stories to distract him while she tried to ease his pain. The two have been companions since. Cal fallows Maue closely and shares her food although he avoids getting too close to those whom she guides. He refuses to be held but doesn't mind when Maue stokes his head.
              While acting as a guide for a merchant she ended up in Voldar while it was holding its horse fair. Off to the side of the main event she saw a young horse who was fighting his lead line. She walked over and began to watch him. When ever any one approached the young gelding would attack. When his owner came over after having sold the rest of his horses Maue saw him untie the gelding. From the direction that the man was taking the angry horse Maue could tell that he would not survive the day. When the horse's owner went into the leather worker's store she walked over and untied the horse. By bribing the black horse with a cut apple Maue managed to remove him from the city.  The store had no windows and the streets were to full for anyone to pay attention to one more horse. Maue had been fond of horses when she lived with her people and when her lessons were over she often spent time in the stables.She remembered how the hostlers had trained young horses and put this knowledge to use, plus much of her income went to apples. Finally after two years of hard work could safely ride the all black horse whom she named Witz.

Weapons:
Maue favors the dagger. She wears one on her belt. She has one on her back. One is on the bottom of each boot in a compartment that she designed. Maue dug out enough of the boot to fit each dagger beneath her boots and then dug out a slit for a leather strap. When the dagger is in her boot the strap goes across her boot and the bottom of her boots are flat. She also keeps one dagger in each boot. Each dagger has an ornately carved hilt. The blades themselves are simple without designs, but the hilts are covered with willow branches. Each blade has a branch that starts at the hand guard and ends at the base of the hilt. Along with her daggers Maue keeps a long bow. Although it is often attached to her saddle she is very fond of it and will let no one else touch it since it was her brother's. The bow is made of oak and looks new. Although she has not used it since her brother's death Maue will not let dirt collect on his bow. The tips of the bow are carved like a wolf's jaw, Tyrone's favorite animal.

Belongings:
She has a silver chain with a small falcon, of bone, on it. Witz's saddle is bright red with orange worked in to show a design of a dragon. Maue bought this about a year after she finished training Witz.
 
Familiars:
Maue travels with two animals. The first is the Corbie Cal. He has been with her the longest and is a quiet bird. He does not get along well with Witz, although when Maue is leading groups through the forest he is somewhat friendly, but still standoffish. He is all black, as is all of his kind, and is large for a bird. His feathers are more organized then those of most Corbies because Cal lets Maue preen him sometimes. Cal was about 2 when Maue found him. He is about 6 years old now. He hunts for himself and refuses to be held. Once he had healed from his original wounds Maue tried to continue to fed him, but unless she left the food at least 3 palmspans away Cal would not touch it. When Maue is camping Cal is often resting on a nearby tree branch. Although when she goes into villages or cities he will follow. Cal prefers to stay outside and sleep rather than join Maue, when she sleeps in an inn, or with Witz in a stable.
Witz is Maue's horse. He is all black and is slightly over five fores. Witz is very unfriendly to anyone besides for Maue and he can be possessive at times. Witz will move so that he is positioned between Maue and whoever she is guiding. This has led her to tether him on the side of her that is farthest from her costumer. While Maue loves him dearly he is a pain because Witz's favorite game is to pretend to be friendly. Then when someone approaches he will bite them. She now has to tell all hostlers to avoid him and that she will tend to him. Witz has tried to bite many stable hands and this has resulted in Maue being forced from inns. He has so far been safe while passing through cities. Maue thinks that this is because there is simply too many people for him to decide who to bite. At Maue's best guess Witz was about 6 when she stole him and is now roughly 10. She thinks that he is mostly Sarvonian Heavy Horse. What else Witz could be in Wit's family tree she isn't sure[/color].


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on March 30, 2008, 08:09:13 AM
Hello Maue and welcome to Santharia! My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange

 I would like to see her strengths and weaknesses defined in 2-3 sentences. Also, broken down into their own bullet points. This adds depth and allows moderators to see how great of a strength or weakness each of them are. Nothing elaborate but some mention of how each have helped (strengths) or hindered (weaknesses) her in the past.
Strengths:
She is smart and knows the forest very well. She is extremely good with animals and can almost understand them. She is also very good with her daggers.

Weaknesses:
Maue is too stubborn for her own good. This has caused her much heartache. She is also afraid of magic.<--Fear of magic is a common aspect for most anyone. This could be a weakness if you define it to be exceptional in some way.

I hope my comments aid you in being titled soon. If you have any questions please feel free to ask them here as there are many willing to help you. I changed the icon to the pencil while you make edits, please return it to the exclamation mark when you are finished and ready for more comments.
~Sincerely~
Cáo fá cár'tuulén:Twen Araerwen



Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on March 30, 2008, 08:21:28 AM
Thanks for your help I will get on that right away. :grin:


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Garret Arroway on March 30, 2008, 08:30:43 AM
     Alright, just giving' you my input on a couple things. My comments are directed toward your familiar section. At the moment we only know that you travel with a falcon and a horse. I'd prefer more information of each of these animals such as: size, appearance, and temperament.
     I noticed that you added a bit of the horse's temperament and that is good though more on how they interact with other people and/or animals and to your character would be a good idea. You want to give the people that you RP with a good image of your character and you familiars as they are often involved in interactions.
     I saw you have information on how you acquired each animal  in her history, that is good and it could be put in the familiar section for easy access, but isn't a must. Also if your familiar aids you in any way it would be counted as a strength.
     Hopefully this helps you a bit.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on March 30, 2008, 03:05:33 PM
Thanks I added some more. I think that fixes things. :)


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Angela on March 30, 2008, 08:27:43 PM
Hi and welcome.

As an elf, she will live longer, so a 36 years old elf would be not that old. Check out the http://aocrpginfo.awardspace.com/EAC/services/elven_aging_conversion.htm (http://aocrpginfo.awardspace.com/EAC/services/elven_aging_conversion.htm) - the elven aging calculator :)


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Zann Lightbringer on March 31, 2008, 04:15:51 AM
Hello Maue, and welcome to the dream. I love short CDs. :azn:
Comments in the fiery color of red.

Name:
Maue

Gender:
Female

Age:
36(See Angela's comment above. Based from her occupation, she is too young to be a guide through a forest. Elves mature slower than humans do and learn things that much slower too.)

Race:
Woodelf

Tribe:
Aellenrhim

Occupation:
Forest Guide

Title:
The Green Rider

Appearance:
Maue is tall but not willowy. She is lean in a way to remind one that she is an elf. Maue’s features are not as sharp as most elves though. Her hair is a light brown. In the light of the noon sun it appears ivy green, however. Maue’s eyes are the silver of a freshly risen full moon. Maue has a scar on her left hand that stings when she is attacked by magic(Why would the scar be specific when it comes to being exposed to magic? The effects are the same. Being burned by fire is the same as experiencing the spell injeran touch, or being electrocuted is the same as being hit by the call lightning spell.). On her right shoulder she has a tattoo of a falcon.

Height:
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Palmspans, 1 Nailsbreadth, 2 Grains.

Hair Color:
Brown but turns green under the right light

Eye Color:
Silver

Clothing:
Maue wears green and brown. She always a version(Huh?) of the same outfit; a green tunic and brown pants. She wears brown boots that come to her mid calf. She also has an olive green cloak.

Personality:
She is extremely stubborn individual. She is withdrawn and doesn’t like to speak to others. Maue watches everything, trying to learn. Although she does not speak much when someone does manage to get her going on a subject that she is pertinent about she will defend her position for hours. She is well educated and can some(no space here) times appear arogent(arrogant). Maue is also very curious and can conbine(combine) this with her stuborness(stubborness) to descover(discover.) any subject that she can.

Strengths:
She is smart and knows the forest very well. This alows(allows) her to pass either unnoticed throgh(through) the forests or to lead others through the forests.(I find this strength to be almost impossible. There are many forests in this world. Perhaps she only knows the forest where she lived in?)
She is extremely good with animals and can almost understand them(Cite some examples as to how she can understand animals, as the only tribe I know that can do that are the Eyelians.). Maue trusts animals and they can feel this.
She is also very good with her daggers.(Moderators would like this strength to be defined in 2-3 sentences, to see how good she is with this weapon.)

Weaknesses:
Maue is too stubborn for her own good. This has caused her much heartache(Heartache?).
She is also afraid of magic. Maue still remembers how it destroyed her family and can not function when she sees someone use magic. She refuses to lead magic users through the forest.
Maue is a loner and avoids her people. She feels this and lets it sepperate(separate) her even more. This has reinforced her her  self imposed exile.

History:
   Maue was her parent’s first child. They were then shocked when her twin brother, Tyrone, was born five minutes after her. The two were extremely close growing up. They attacked their lessons with a passion that surprised their teachers. While Maue devoured poetry and geography her brother learned magic as quickly as he could.
   When the two were 15 Tyrone became ill with a mysterious illness that shocked everyone. People began to think that he was done with his life. Maue knew better. Although she had little magic(Every one can cast magic, provided that they have someone to learn it from. The only problem is if an individual has the brains and the concentration for it. I can see that she has no prior lessons in casting magic, so I find this rather impossible.) she went into his room and planed(planned) to try and heal him. When she touched him she received a great shock. This is where her scar on her palm comes from.
   After Tyrone died Maue left her family. She knew that he had been killed due to his skills in the magical arts(Huh? Keep in mind that low level spell fizzles can not kill an individual; most likely his face, hands, or other body parts in contact with the spell will be disfigured.). Her goal in life is to find her brother’s killer. She travels the forest(What forest? There are many of them in Caelereth.) guiding those who wish to pass through to earn pay.
               Maue prays to Arvins to help her on her hunt for her brother's killer. When she first began her search she placed a tatoo of a falcon on her shoulder in honor of the great hunter.
              Maue first met her friend Cal, the (a)Ash (f)Falcon, when he was wunded(wounded) and needed help. She healed(Where did she learn to heal? Keep in mind the the knowledge of healing lore should be listed as a strength.) him and offered him food. This made him as curius(curious) as she had been. She told him of her history and listened while he tried to do the same(Huh?). The two have been compaignens(companions) since.
              While acting as a guide for a merchant she ended up in a town that was holding a horse fair. Off to the side of the main event she saw a young horse who was fighting his lead line. She walked over and began to watch him. When(no space here) ever any one approached the young gelding would attack. When his owner came over after having sold the rest of his horses Maue asked him how much the fiesty black horse was. The fat old horse seller started to laugh and told Maue she could have the horse free if she would promise not to bring him back. Maue promised and after two years of hard work could saftyly(safely) ride the all black horse whom she named (J)joker.

Weapons: Maue favors the dagger. She wears one on her belt. She has one on her back. One is on the bottom of each boot in a compartment that she designed. She also keeps one dagger in each boot. Along with her daggers Maue keeps a bow. Although it is often atached(attached) to her sadle she is very fond of it and will let no one else tuch(touch) it.

Belongings:
She has a silver chain with a small falcon made out of bone on it. Joker's sadle(saddle) is bright red with orange woked(Huh?) in to show a design of a dragon.

Familiars:
Maue travels with an (a)Ash (f)Falcon named Cal. He is her closest companion. Cal is a silent presence that is not afraid to let Maue, or Joker, know when they are going to make themselves look like an idiot(Huh? How did a falcon become so intelligent?). He acts like a combonation(combination) of a wise granfather(grandfather) and Maue's consience(conscience).
Her horse is pitch black and very large. His name is Joker after his tendency to allow others to get close to him and then try to bite them. Joker is posesive(possesive) of Maue. He doesn't like it when some(no space here)one gets close to her, especially men. Around Maue though he is a gentle animal. Joker is also very fast.
Both animals are very opinionated and have helped Maue to understand more about the other creatures who live in the forest.(Huh? They are only animals. How did they manage to do that?)

And there you go. Too much spellchecker will not harm you, so use it whenever you can. Also, your animals rival humans in terms of their level of intelligence. I suggest toning them down.They are supposed to be animals, not teachers in a feather or fur suit.
Have a nice day.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 02, 2008, 04:51:54 AM
Sorry it took so long but I think I made the necessary changes.  :grin:


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Azhira Styralias on April 03, 2008, 04:20:37 AM
Hi Maue! Your CD is looking good here. I have a few comments for you... ;)

Name:
Maue

Gender:
Female

Age:
229

Race:
Woodelf

Tribe:
Aellenrhim

Occupation:
Forest Guide

Title:
The Green Rider

(Above looks good. Nothing out of the ordinary there.)

Appearance:
Maue is tall but not willowy. She is lean in a way to remind one that she is an elf. Maue’s features are not as sharp as most elves though. Her hair is a light brown. In the light of the noon sun it appears ivy green, however. Maue’s eyes are the silver of a freshly risen full moon. Maue has a scar on her left hand. On her right shoulder she has a tattoo of a falcon.

(This description is enough to get by...but some more detail would be nice, but not required in my opinion. For example, "tall but not willowy" doesn't make sense to me. And, I would describe her features more. Not as sharp as most elves is kind of vague.  ;) )

Height:
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Palmspans, 1 Nailsbreadth, 2 Grains.

Hair Color:
Brown but turns green under the right light (Literally turns green? Or is it a matter of how the reflects off of it? Might want to be more specific.)

Eye Color:
Silver

Clothing:
Maue wears green and brown. She always wears a version of the same outfit; a green tunic and brown pants. She wears brown boots that come to her mid calf. She also has an olive green cloak.

(Basic description here, but it'll do. More detail is always nice, but not always required.)

Personality:
She is extremely stubborn individual. She is withdrawn and doesn't like to speak to others. Maue watches everything, trying to learn. Although she does not speak much when someone does manage to get her going on a subject that she is pertinent about she will defend her position for hours. She is well educated and can some times appear arrogant. Maue is also very curious and can combine this with her stubbornness to discover any subject that she can.

(Again, basic overview of personality and it should suffice. But perhaps expand a bit more on her stubborn personality? What is she stubborn about? Why does she watch everything and how does she learn it? Anything specific?)

Strengths:
She is smart and knows the Bolder forest very well. This allows her to pass either unnoticed through the forest or to lead others through the forest.
She is extremely good with animals and can almost understand them. This has come from spending more of her life with animals than with her own kind. She can tell by their movements or the way they are behaving what it is that they mean. Maue trusts animals and they can feel this.
She is also very good with her daggers. While Maue first learned to fight with a bow and arrow she mastered the daggers after moving out on her own. She practices when she is alone in the forest by herself, which is much of the time.

(A couple of things here...being good with animals is one thing, but you'll have to clarify on exactly how you understand them. Give an example of how you can read an animal's body language.

Second, if you've learned the bow and arrow, you'll need to list it as a strength along with your skill with daggers.)

Weaknesses:
Maue is too stubborn for her own good.
She is also afraid of magic. Maue still remembers how it destroyed her family and can not function when she sees someone use magic. She refuses to lead magic users through the forest.
Maue is a loner and avoids her people. She feels this and lets it separate her even more. This has reinforced her her self imposed exile.
Maue is also afraid of heights. This fear developed after the death of her brother. The first time she tried to climb a tree after his death she found she couldn't stand the height above 7 peds.

(Good weaknesses...how does she know someone is a magic user if they come to her for aid?)

History:
   Maue was her parent's first child. They were then shocked when her twin brother, Tyrone, was born five minutes after her. The two were extremely close growing up. They attacked their lessons with a passion that surprised their teachers. While Maue devoured poetry, biology, and geography her brother learned magic as quickly as he could.
   When the two were 15 Tyrone became ill with a mysterious illness that shocked everyone. People began to think that he was done with his life. Maue knew better. She went into his room armed with what she knew of the local plants and planned on trying to help him. When she touched him she received a great shock. This is where her scar on her palm comes from.
   After Tyrone died Maue left her family. She knew that he had been killed. Her goal in life is to find her brother's killer. She travels the Bolder forest guiding those who wish to pass through to earn pay.

(I am confused as to how she knew her brother was killed and what kind of illness he had. How can it cause a shock? Remember, you'll need to have whatever he died from be something legitimate from the Santharian world. As the author of the CD, you'll need to explain what he died from even if your character herself doesn't.)

               Maue prays to Arvins to help her on her hunt for her brother's killer. When she first began her search she placed a tattoo of a falcon on her shoulder in honor of the great hunter. (It would be hard to place a tattoo on your shoulder yourself...perhaps someone did it for her?)
              Maue first met her friend Cal, the ash falcon, when he was wounded and needed help. She healed him over many Weeks and offered him food. This made him as curious as she had been. She told him of her history while she tried to ease his pain. The two have been companions since. (A falcon wouldn't understand elven words and speech. It would be a wild animal and difficult to train and tame as an adult.)
              While acting as a guide for a merchant she ended up in a town that was holding a horse fair. Off to the side of the main event she saw a young horse who was fighting his lead line. She walked over and began to watch him. When ever any one approached the young gelding would attack. When his owner came over after having sold the rest of his horses Maue asked him how much the fiesty black horse was. The fat old horse seller started to laugh and told Maue she could have the horse free if she would promise not to bring him back. Maue promised and after two years of hard work could safely ride the all black horse whom she named Joker.

(Something else to keep in mind...your elf wouldn't be able to understand the human languages unless she learned it somehow. So speaking to a horse seller in a town, which I assume to be a human town, would be hard to do if you don't know Tharian. You'll also need to explain which town this is by name.)

Weapons: Maue favors the dagger. She wears one on her belt. She has one on her back. One is on the bottom of each boot in a compartment that she designed. She also keeps one dagger in each boot. Along with her daggers Maue keeps a bow. Although it is often attached to her saddle she is very fond of it and will let no one else touch it. (Good enough here!  :thumbup: )

Belongings:
She has a silver chain with a small falcon made out of bone on it. Joker's saddle is bright red with orange worked in to show a design of a dragon. (You never explained how she got this silver chain or saddle)

Familiars:
Maue travels with two animals the first is the ash falcon Cal. He has been with her the longest and is a quiet bird. He does not get along well with Joker although when Maue is leading groups through the forest he is friendly.
Joker is Maue's horse. He is all black and is very unfriendly to anyone besides for Maue. He can be possessive at times. While Maue loves hi dearly he is a pain because Joker's favorite game is to pretend to be friendly. Then when someone approaches he will bite them.

(An overall good start. You'll need to work on your familiars section. Perhaps explain how Maue tamed her horse. And, one small nitpick...the name Joker is not very Santharian. It seems more contemporary to me. It's ok, but it would feel more fantasy-ish if it were different. No big issue though. :thumbup: )


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 03, 2008, 07:26:50 AM
Thanks I think I made the needed changes :P


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Angela on April 03, 2008, 02:11:52 PM
Since you have edited, I'll have my comments in lovely orange

Name:
Maue Sinian

Gender:
Female

Age:
229

Race:
Woodelf "ELF" might be sufficient here? IMHO

Tribe:
Aellenrhim

Occupation:
Forest Guide

Title:
The Green Rider

Appearance:
Maue is lean but does not look fragile. Her eyes are the silver of the (I don't know but maybe the article "a" would be appropriate instead of 'the') freshly risen new moon. Her hair is brown but under the right light it appears an (perhaps replacing an with 'to be' would be more correct? IMHO) olive green. No matter what color it currently iscomma Maue's hair will always float into her face. She refuses to tie it back out of some inner stubbornness that lacks all reason. Her face is worn by the earth and travel. She is tall for her kind but not overbearingly so. Her hands are well callused and on her left palm she has a scar. On her right shoulder she has a tattoo of a falcon.

Height:
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Palmspans, 1 Nailsbreadth, 2 Grains.

Hair Color:
Brown but looks green under the right light

Eye Color:
Silver

Clothing:
Maue wears green and brown. She always wears a version of the same outfit; a green tunic and brown pants. She wears brown boots that come to her mid calf. She also has an olive green cloak. Maue's favorite tunic goes to just past her waist and is ivy green. it has a willow embroidered onto its right side. The sleeves are loose but the neck comes close to her actual neck. Her favorite breeches are long and loose. They are the dark brown of fresh mud. Her boots are soft but tight at the ankle. They are well made and good for walking or riding.

Personality:
She is an extremely stubborn individual. When she makes up her mind about a subject, remove comma or a person, itreplace it with she does not change withno space out a lot of convincing. She is withdrawn and doesn't like to speak to others. Maue watches everything, trying to learn. She will sit in the back of a room and listen to every conversation that she can hear. She tries to understand how and delete e people can get along and why different groups choose each other. Although she does not speak much when someone does manage to get her going on a subject that she is pertinent about she will defend her position for hours. She is well educated and can some times appear arrogant. Maue is also very curious and can combine this with her stubbornness to discover any subject that she can.

Strengths:
She is smart and knows the Bolder and Thaelon forests very well. This allows her to pass either unnoticed through the forest or to lead others through the forest.
She is extremely good with animals and can almost understand them. This has come from spending more of her life with animals than with her own kind. She can tell by their movements or the way they are behaving what it is that they mean. A brief example involving horses. What ever their ears are pointing towards they are paying attention to. If their ears are in different directions they are relaxed. If their ears are down they are ticked. If you can see the whites of their eyes they are scared, and likely running. Maue trusts animals and they can feel this.
She is also very good with her daggers. While Maue first learned to fight with a bow and arrow she mastered the daggers after moving out on her own. She practices when she is alone in the forest by herself, which is much of the time.
Maue's skill with the bow and arrow is rudimentary. She knows the basics but that is all.

Weaknesses:
Maue is too stubborn for her own good.
She is also afraid of magic. Maue still remembers how it destroyed her family and can not function when she sees someone use magic. She refuses to lead magic users through the forest and questions all possible costumers about the fact.
Maue is a loner and avoids her people. She feels this and lets it separate her even more. This has reinforced her self imposed exile.
Maue is also afraid of heights. This fear developed after the death of her brother. The first time she tried to climb a tree after his death she found she couldn't stand the height above 7 peds.

History:
   Maue was her parent's first child. They were then shocked when her twin brother, Tyrone, was born five minutes after her. The two were extremely close growing up. They attacked their lessons with a passion that surprised their teachers. While Maue devoured just a suggestion. Devoured seems to be a word that might not denote a good word. How about, "Maue was devoted to? Its just an opinion though.) poetry, biology, and geographycomma her brother learned magic as quickly as he could.
   When the two were 15comma Tyrone became ill with a mysterious illness that shocked everyone. People began to think that he was done with his life.instead of a perio may I suggest the usage of 'but' Maue knew better. She went into his room armed with what she knew of the local plants and planned on trying to help him. When she touched him she received a great shock. This is where her scar on her palm comes from. Tyrone in his delusions did not realize that is sister had come to see him and had attacked Maue.
   After Tyrone diedcomma Maue left her family. She knew that he had been killed. While visiting her brother she had seenspacethe unmistakable thorns of a Foolsbed Bush. Someone had given her brother too much of the drug called Foolsbed Dew, that is what killed him. Her goal in life is to find her brother's killer. She travels the Bolder and Thaelon forests guiding those who wish to pass through to earn pay.
               Maue prays to Arvins to help her on her hunt for her brother's killer. When she first began her search she had a tattoo of a falcon placed on her shoulder in honor of the great hunter.
              Maue first met her friend Cal, the ash falcon, when he was wounded and needed help. She healed him over many Weeks and offered him food. This made him as curious as she had been. She told him of her history and other stories to distract him while she tried to ease his pain. The two have been companions since.
              Maue decided that she needed to learn Tharian not long after this. She was growing tired of only being able to guide those who spoke her native tongue. She offered free passage to one man if he would teach her the human tongue. She ended up paying the man for bringing him through the forest. His lessons though proved useful. Maue managed to more than double the customers that she could lead.
              While acting as a guide for a merchant she ended up in Voldar while it was holding its horse fair. Off to the side of the main event she saw a young horse who was fighting his lead line. She walked over and began to watch him. When ever any one approached the young gelding would attack. When his owner came over after having sold the rest of his horses Maue asked him how much the fiesty black horse was. The fat old horse seller started to laugh and told Maue she could have the horse and a saddle free if she would promise not to bring him back. Maue promised and after two years of hard work could safely ride the all black horse whom she named Witz.

Weapons: Maue favors the dagger. She wears one on her belt. She has one on her back. One is on the bottom of each boot in a compartment that she designed. She also keeps one dagger in each boot. Along with her daggers Maue keeps a bow. Although it is often attached to her saddle she is very fond of it and will let no one else touch it.

Belongings:
She has a silver chain with a small falcon made out of bone on it. Joker's saddle is bright red with orange worked in to show a design of a dragon.

Familiars:
Maue travels with two animals the first is the ash falcon Cal. He has been with her the longest and is a quiet bird. He does not get along well with Witz although when Maue is leading groups through the forest he is friendly.
Witz is Maue's horse. He is all black and is very unfriendly to anyone besides for Maue. He can be possessive at times. While Maue loves him dearly he is a pain because Witz's favorite game is to pretend to be friendly. Then when someone approaches he will bite them. By the way his name means joke in German.


That is all for now! see you soon in the rpg boards!


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Mannix on April 03, 2008, 05:51:52 PM
Greeting fellow Aellenrhim,
I have read your CD and comments and it looks good.  I disagree with a few grammar comments (look for blue):
Her eyes are the silver of the (I don't know but maybe the article "a" would be appropriate instead of 'the') freshly risen new moon. I'd leave it as it is, but it's just and opinion thing.

When she makes up her mind about a subject, remove comma I wouldn't remove the comma, the person is additional info and so should be in commas.  or a person, itreplace it with sheAlso, 'it' is speaking of her mind not her, 'she' wouldn't make sense does not change withno space out a lot of convincing.

While Maue devoured just a suggestion. Devoured seems to be a word that might not denote a good word. How about, "Maue was devoted to? Its just an opinion though.) poetry, biology, and geography I like devoured, I'd leave it as it is, but again just and opinion.

That is all.  Oh, and Angela don't take offence, I'm not insulting your commenting abilities.  Once again very good CD.

Mannix


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Azhira Styralias on April 03, 2008, 08:41:46 PM
The edits so far look great, Maue! In addition to the small grammar edits suggested by Mannix and Angela, I have a couple more for you:

1. In order to better see your list of strengths and weaknesses, separate them using bullet points or paragraphs. As of now, they all run together making it hard to pick them out from a glance.

2. Along with strengths and weaknesses, you wouldn't be able to learn Tharian from one person while traveling with them. At the most, you could learn some basic words and phrases. Perhaps enough to barely get by while you continue to learn more. So, I would consider knowing rudimentary Tharian a weakness, with a goal to learn more as you travel.

3. I would also list as a separate strength your archery skill. Even though it is basic, it is still a skill that most common people don't know.

I am not quite the expert on familiars, so I will have another co-mod comment on your horse and falcon.

Nice work!  ;)


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Angela on April 04, 2008, 01:47:46 AM
None taken Mannix. I can see that I have made errors myself: 

itreplace it with sheAlso, 'it' is speaking of her mind not her, 'she' wouldn't make sense

Mannix is correct, I did not notice that the pronoun was about her mind not her.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Rookie Brownbark on April 04, 2008, 02:18:49 AM
Hey Maue, and a mighty welcome to Santharia  :D.  May these comments of goodness help speed your way to approval!

On the language issue:

Quote
On average, an Aellenrhim elf coming of age can speak all major languages of Santharia (though elves do tend to struggle with dwarven and orcish pronounciations) and are well versed in basic botany, healing and lore.

So you’re probably going to have learnt Tharian within your tribe.

And some familiar help as requested :)

Quote
While acting as a guide for a merchant she ended up in Voldar while it was holding its horse fair. Off to the side of the main event she saw a young horse who was fighting his lead line. She walked over and began to watch him. When ever any one approached the young gelding would attack. When his owner came over after having sold the rest of his horses Maue asked him how much the fiesty black horse was. The fat old horse seller started to laugh and told Maue she could have the horse and a saddle free if she would promise not to bring him back. Maue promised and after two years of hard work could safely ride the all black horse whom she named Witz

I really doubt she would be given a horse for free.  If all else fails I’ve known horses to be drugged to make them docile and saleable.  Or you could kill it and sell the meat and leather, which would mean the trainer didn’t loose quite so much money.  Not nice, but more realistic.  And why was he so feisty?  If the trainer could train all the other horses properly, then why couldn’t he train this one?  Especially a gelding.

Quote
Belongings:
She has a silver chain with a small falcon made out of bone on it. Joker's saddle is bright red with orange worked in to show a design of a dragon.

Familiars:

Maue travels with two animals the first is the ash falcon Cal. He has been with her the longest and is a quiet bird. He does not get along well with Witz although when Maue is leading groups through the forest he is friendly.

Remember, this is a wild bird, even if he takes a shine to you he is still wild and independent.  It might come to you for food and learn to trust you over time, but I doubt it would ever become friendly to anyone.  Although, that depends on the definition of friendly – what does the falcon do which makes it seem so?  Could you add in the bird’s age for us too?

Quote
Witz is Maue's horse. He is all black and is very unfriendly to anyone besides for Maue. He can be possessive at times. While Maue loves him dearly he is a pain because Witz's favorite game is to pretend to be friendly. Then when someone approaches he will bite them. By the way his name means joke in German.

Could you add in Witz’s age and possibly some indication of breed?  And an explanation of how the horse shows his possessive/unfriendly streak would be great too, as it would help us understand how you are going to play him. 

The last sentence needs to be taken out – no German in Santharia, so it won’t have this meaning.  However, it’s quite a nice sounding name.

Some nice touches here Maue - I like the little details you add in like the saddle and the necklace, plus the fact that you are trying to give some real personality and character to your familiars.  I hope those comments help, and feel free to ask any questions in this thread,

Rookie xxx


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 04, 2008, 10:08:52 AM
Thank you all for your comments so much. I have worked on it and done some research. If anyone has better ideas for what breed Wits is please let me know.
 :grin:


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Garret Arroway on April 04, 2008, 11:32:09 AM
Well, things are looking good and see you have already made some edits on the animal part of your character. I'll like to give you some more input on those areas as well.

     - Alright, first off, the strength in which you describe you understand of animals seems a bit much to me. In my opinion there is a bit of a difference between 'understanding' someone/something and reading its emotions the way I interpreted the first sentence. The way you have this strength described leans more toward reading body language and knowing what signifies certain emotions. If that is what you meant it might be helpful to make that a bit clearer.

     - Secondly, if your animals help you they would be counted as a strength. Being able to follow the falcon when it seeks water while on the road would be helpful and the creature's sharp eyes would pick out sources of food. These are both reasons that the falcon would probably be counted as a strength and there could be more depending on its personality. The horse can also be counted as a strength as it gets you from place to place, but its unfriendly nature could be counted as a weakness if it was enough to chase off customers or get you into trouble while traveling through a city. This all goes back to personality and these are things you need to consider when role playing with familiars.

     - My third is on how you found your falcon. The entry states that they are mostly found in the Stone Fields of Peat. If others are found out of that one area, I believe they would still be found in Northern Sarvonia mostly. Here (http://www.santharia.com/maps/continents/sarvonia_north_3.htm) is a map showing the Stone Fields of Peat. Your tribe lives in Southern Sarvonia. It’s a long way and would cost a great deal to get there so there would probably need to be a good reason. Another thing is that the fields seem to be mainly inhabited by giants and trolls. My suggestion would be selecting a different type of bird and finding out exactly where they reside. Getting up one day and traveling that far north isn't all that easy and risking life and limb for a bird seems a little … 'death wishy'. :grin:

     - Now I'll bring up how you acquire your horse. In this time period, money is money and they aren't likely to just let one get away or risk having one stolen. A san would buy ten to fifteen minutes from a youth with nothing to do more than likely and the owner of a horse can more than make up for it when that animal is sold (even a rotten horse). At this time I think perhaps the Southern Draught Horse would be your best bet. These animals can be any color, thought it might have some white markings. Most prefer the lighter coloring for these animals because they believe they are less likely to suffer heatstroke. So, having that in your favor, getting away with stealing this horse seems more likely and your breed problem would be solved. Here (http://www.santharia.com/bestiary/horse_sarvonian_heavy.htm) is the link for the Sarvonian Heavy Horse entry.

     - Next I'd like to bring you familiar section out into the open again and wish to tackle each animal at a time. A space between paragraphs would be appreciated (in all areas because that will make it easier to read). If you keep the Ash Falcon, I'd suggest you read up on the entry and probably add a bit about his appearance. What color is he? Does he have any odd markings? About how big is he (height/wingspan)? Would also like to see temperament expanded on and noticed that you kept him being friendly to others. A wild falcon would be wary of most humans. Even if you have been with it for a while and it is somewhat tame, it still grew up in the wild and survival instincts never fade entirely. There are a few other questions I would like to see answered as well. Does he hunt for himself or does he depend on you for food? Where does he perch when he is resting? If this animal perches on your shoulder than I'd consider adding a part about leather padding on your shoulders for Cal, since his sharp talons would probably shred your skin without it.

     - Now my comments on your horse, the first thing I want to bring up is appearance. About how tall is he? Is he completely black or have odd markings (see comment and link above on horse breed)? I see that you have temperament pretty much hammered out and that is good, though expanding on how far this horse will go in his 'game' would help in certain situations. Would he snap at someone when he is passing them in a crowded market place? Is he likely to attempt to bite a stable hand? How does he react to other animals?

That is about all for my comments right now. You have some good work and writing here, but as you can see there is still a lot to work on. Animals have their part in role playing and while many would select a more docile horse that just gets them from place to place, you tried something else. The attitude of your animal will make role playing in certain situations more interesting, but it does take a bit more work at this time. Hopefully my comments help you get on the right track with your animals.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 04, 2008, 12:30:28 PM
Thank you for commenting again. I appreciate the help with my animals. I knew that my character had to have animals with distinctive personalities but I am still learning about this world so I appreciate the help.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 06, 2008, 09:45:18 AM
Just bumping it up.  :rolling:


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Mannix on April 06, 2008, 09:53:43 AM
Um could you make all changes a different colour.  We're supposed to do it, to make life easier for mods, and so a quicker approval.

Mannix


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 07, 2008, 03:25:03 AM
O.K. I think anything that was not in the original is now in green.  Thank you for the tip Mannix.
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Eléyr Fásamár on April 07, 2008, 03:58:18 AM
Hello Maue! This is very well written! Just one minor thing~

Quote
It has a willow embroidered onto its right side.
Just need to capitalize here!

Also your strengths and below look kind of odd... Did you mean for them to appear that way?

Your approval should not be far off!


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Luca the Thief on April 07, 2008, 06:34:54 AM
Daat da da daaa! Comments looks like oranges

Name:
Maue Sinian

Gender:
Female

Age:
229

Race:
Elf

Tribe:
Aellenrhim

Occupation:
Forest Guide

Title:
The Green Rider

Appearance:
Maue is lean but does not look fragile. Her eyes are the silver of the freshly risen new moon. Her hair is brown but under the right light it appears to be olive green How does this work or why does it happen?. No matter what color it currently is, Maue's hair will always float into her face. She refuses to tie it back out of some inner stubbornness that lacks all reason. Her face is worn by the earth and travel. She is tall for her kind but not overbearingly so. Her hands are well callused and on her left palm she has a scar. On her right shoulder she has a tattoo of a falcon.

Height:
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Palmspans, 1 Nailsbreadth, 2 Grains.

Hair Color:
Brown but looks green under the right light

Eye Color:
Silver This eye color is not common in any tribe to my knowledge. Please choose a more 'standard' eye color.

Clothing:
Maue wears green and brown. She always wears a version of the same outfit; a green tunic and brown pants. She wears brown boots that come to her mid calf. She also has an olive green cloak. Maue's favorite tunic goes to just past her waist and is ivy green. it has a willow embroidered onto its right side. The sleeves are loose but the neck comes close to her actual neck. Her favorite breeches are long and loose. They are the dark brown of fresh mud. Her boots are soft but tight at the ankle. They are well made and good for walking or riding.

Personality:
She is an extremely stubborn individual. When she makes up her mind about a subject, or a person, it does not change without a lot of convincing. She is withdrawn and doesn't like to speak to others. Maue watches everything, trying to learn. She will sit in the back of a room and listen to every conversation that she can hear. She tries to understand how people can get along and why different groups choose each other. Although she does not speak much when someone does manage to get her going on a subject that she is pertinent about she will defend her position for hours. She is well educated and can some times appear arrogant. Maue is also very curious and can combine this with her stubbornness to discover any subject that she can.

Strengths:

- She is smart and knows the Bolder and Thaelon forests very well. This allows her to pass either unnoticed through the forest or to lead others through the forest. You mentioned education earlier. What is she educated, her topics of focus/interest?


- She is extremely good with animals and is very perceptive about them. This has come from spending more of her life with animals than with her own kind. She can tell by their movements or the way they are behaving what it is that they mean. A brief example involving horses. What ever their ears are pointing towards they are paying attention to. If their ears are in different directions they are relaxed. If their ears are down they are ticked. If you can see the whites of their eyes they are scared, and likely running. Maue trusts animals and they can feel this.

- She is also very good with her daggers. Maue first learned to fight with daggers after she moved out on her own. She practices when she is alone in the forest by herself, which is much of the time. Because you are self taught, your skill level won't be exceptional. Your wording as it is is fine for portraying your skill level, but just a reminder for when you start roleplaying.

- Maue's skill with the bow and arrow is rudimentary. She knows the basics but that is all. Where did she learn this skill? Add to your history.

- Maue learned Tharian when she was young and living in her tribe like most young Aellenrhim.

- Maue's animals. Witz, her horse, allows Maue to travel quicker from place to place. Cal, her Corbie friend, finds water from the air and Maue follows him.[/li][/list]

Weaknesses:

- Maue is too stubborn for her own good. Elaborate on this a little more. How exactly does this come about in her day to day life?

- She is also afraid of magic. Maue still remembers how it destroyed her family and can not function when she sees someone use magic. She refuses to lead magic users through the forest and questions all possible costumers about the fact.

- Maue is a loner and avoids her people. She feels this and lets it separate her even more. This has reinforced her self imposed exile. So she only avoids Allenhrims? Or elves? Doesn't this contradict her work?

- Maue is also afraid of heights. This fear developed after the death of her brother. The first time she tried to climb a tree after his death she found she couldn't stand the height above 7 peds. 22 feet is pretty high; I think most people would be afraid of that. You can keep it like that if you want, but just make sure you have your conversion correct.

- Witz. His personality has caused Maue to be kicked out of multiple inns. She now warns all hostlers to stay away and that she will tend him.

 History:

Maue was her parent's first child. They were then shocked when her twin brother, Tyrone, was born five minutes after her. The two were extremely close growing up. They attacked their lessons with a passion that surprised their teachers. While Maue devoured poetry, biology, and geography, her brother learned magic as quickly as he could. What kind of magic? Who taught him? Why was he not sent to Ximax?

When the two were 15 Tyrone became ill with a mysterious illness that shocked everyone. People began to think that he was done with his life. Maue knew better. She went into his room armed with what she knew of the local plants and planned on trying to help him. When she touched him she received a great shock. This is where her scar on her palm comes from. Tyrone in his delusions did not realize that is sister had come to see him and had attacked Maue. 15 is very young and I'm not sure if a home-trained elf would be able to create a shock (which is wind magic, I believe) so easily. I might need somebody to double check that for me though.

After Tyrone died, Maue left her family. She knew that he had been killed. While visiting her brother she had seen the unmistakable thorns of a Foolsbed Bush. Someone had given her brother too much of the drug called Foolsbed Dew, that is what killed him. Her goal in life is to find her brother's killer. Even though your character may not know, we should still have an idea as to who killed the brother and why. Also, how did they acquire Foolsbed? It is located in the desert. She travels the Bolder and Thaelon forests guiding those who wish to pass through to earn pay.

Maue prays to Arvins to help her on her hunt for her brother's killer. When she first began her search she had a tattoo of a falcon placed on her shoulder in honor of the great hunter. Mention this tattoo in your Appearance section and perhaps add this worship to your personality as well.

Maue first met her friend Cal, the Corbie, when he was wounded and needed help. She healed him over many weeks and offered him food. Be sure to add your knowledge of healing to your strengths. This made him as curious as she had been. She told him of her history and other stories to distract him while she tried to ease his pain. The two have been companions since. Cal fallows Maue closely and shares her food although he avoids getting too close to those whom she guides. He refuses to be held but doesn't mind when Maue stokes his head.

While acting as a guide for a merchant she ended up in Voldar while it was holding its horse fair. Off to the side of the main event she saw a young horse who was fighting his lead line. She walked over and began to watch him. When ever any one approached the young gelding would attack. When his owner came over after having sold the rest of his horses Maue saw him untie the gelding. From the direction that the man was taking the angry horse Maue could tell that he would not survive the day. When the horse's owner went into the leather worker's store she walked over and untied the horse. How is it that the horse would attack its master and not her? The store had no windows and the streets were to full for anyone to pay attention to one more horse. After two years of hard work could safely ride the all black horse whom she named Witz. You'll have to add in your history somewhere how she learned to handle horses and train them. Because this is a skill of some mention, I would suggest you also add it to your strengths or elaborate on what you already have there.

Weapons:

Maue favors the dagger. She wears one on her belt. She has one on her back. One is on the bottom of each boot in a compartment that she designed In the boot or outside?. She also keeps one dagger in each boot. Along with her daggers Maue keeps a bow. Although it is often attached to her saddle she is very fond of it and will let no one else touch it.

Belongings:

She has a silver chain with a small falcon made out of bone on it. Witz's saddle is bright red with orange worked in to show a design of a dragon. Maue bought this about a year after she finished training Witz.

Familiars:

Maue travels with two animals the first is the Corbie Cal. He has been with her the longest and is a quiet bird. He does not get along well with Witz although when Maue is leading groups through the forest he is somewhat friendly but still standoffish. He is all black, as is all of his kind, and is large for a bird. His feathers are more organized then those of most Corbies because Cal lets Maue preen him some. Cal was about 2 when Maue found him. He is about 6 years old now. He hunts for himself and refuses to be held. Once he had healed from his original wounds Maue tried to continue to fed him, but unless she left the food at least 3 palmspans away Cal would not touch it. When Maue is camping Cal is often resting on a nearby tree branch. Although when she goes into villages or cities he will fallow. Cal prefers to stay outside and sleep rather than join Maue, when she sleeps in an inn, or with Witz in a stable.

Witz is Maue's horse. He is all black and is slightly over five fores. Witz is very unfriendly to anyone besides for Maue and he can be possessive at times. Witz will move so that he is positioned between Maue and whoever she is guiding. This has led her to tether him on the side of her that is farthest from her costumer. While Maue loves him dearly he is a pain because Witz's favorite game is to pretend to be friendly. Then when someone approaches he will bite them. She now has to tell all hostlers to avoid him and that she will tend to him. Witz has tried to bite many stable hands and this has resulted in Maue being forced from inns. He has so far been safe while passing through cities. Maue thinks that this is because there is simply too many people for him to decide who to bite. At Maue's best guess Witz was about 6 when she stole him and is now roughly 10. She thinks that he is mostly Sarvonian Heavy Horse. What else Witz could be in Wit's family tree she isn't sure.

Luca's Final Thought Very nice CD so far. A few inconsistencies here and there that need to be addressed, but nothing overly major. I do think your Strengths and Weaknesses are unbalanced right now so you'll probably have to tone down your strengths or add some weaknesses; one suggestion I have is getting rid of your bow skill because it does not seem like you would use it very often anyways. Good luck and I'll be around again to look at your edits!


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Mannix on April 07, 2008, 09:54:28 PM
Okay this is my first comment as an approved member, so here we go (look for the red, also sorry that everything is in bracket, I went crazy for a moment.):

Name:
Maue Sinian

Gender:
Female

Age:
229

Race:
Elf

Tribe:
Aellenrhim

Occupation:
Forest Guide

Title:
The Green Rider

Appearance:
Maue is lean but does not look fragile. Her eyes are the silver of the freshly risen new moon. Her hair is brown but under the right light it appears to be olive green.(look at Luca’s comment) No matter what color it currently is, Maue's hair will always float into her face. She refuses to tie it back out of some inner stubbornness that lacks all reason.(Is this because of a certain event, if it isn’t disregard this comment) Her face is worn by the earth and travel. She is tall for her kind but not overbearingly so. Her hands are well callused and on her left palm she has a scar. On her right shoulder she has a tattoo of a falcon.

Height:
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Palmspans, 1 Nailsbreadth, 2 Grains.

Hair Color:
Brown but looks green under the right light

Eye Color:
Silver(again refer to Luca’s comment)

Clothing:
Maue wears green and brown. She always wears a version of the same outfit; a green tunic and brown pants. She wears brown boots that come to her mid calf. She also has an olive green cloak. Maue's favorite tunic goes to just past her waist and is ivy green. It has a willow embroidered onto its right side. The sleeves are loose but the neck comes close to her actual neck. Her favorite breeches are long and loose. They are the dark brown of fresh mud. Her boots are soft but tight at the ankle. They are well made and good for walking or riding.
Personality:
She is an extremely stubborn individual. When she makes up her mind about a subject, or a person, it does not change without a lot of convincing. She is withdrawn and doesn't like to speak to others. Maue watches everything, trying to learn. She will sit in the back of a room and listen to every conversation that she can hear. She tries to understand how people can get along and why different groups choose each other. Although she does not speak much when someone does manage to get her going on a subject that she is pertinent about she will defend her position for hours. She is well educated and can some times appear arrogant. Maue is also very curious and can combine this with her stubbornness to discover any subject that she can. (try and vary sentence starters, most are ‘her’ or ‘she’.)
Strengths:


She is smart and knows the Bolder and Thaelon forests very well. This allows her to pass either unnoticed through the forest or to lead others through the forest. (About Thaelon…How does she know the forest so well, it is extremely large?  Also, she wouldn’t lead humans into the forest, as it is sacred; and elves can make their way around without knowing the exact way.  What would she lead them to?  I’d just write a sentence or two on it.)

She is extremely good with animals and is very perceptive about them. This has come from spending more of her life with animals than with her own kind. She can tell by their movements or the way they are behaving what it is that they mean. A brief example involving horses. What ever their ears are pointing towards they are paying attention to. If their ears are in different directions they are relaxed. If their ears are down they are ticked. If you can see the whites of their eyes they are scared, and likely running. Maue trusts animals and they can feel this. (I like this.  By the way, is this true?)

She is also very good (good is a very…plain word.  Try something else.)  with her daggers. Maue first learned to fight with daggers after she moved out on her own. She practices when she is alone in the forest by herself, which is much of the time. (‘alone’ and ‘by herself, one isn’t needed.)


Maue's skill with the bow and arrow is rudimentary. She knows the basics but that is all.(give us an idea of this skill)
Maue learned Tharian when she was young and living in her tribe like most young Aellenrhim.
Maue's animals. Witz, her horse, allows Maue to travel quicker from place to place. Cal, her Corbie friend, finds water from the air and Maue fallows him.[/li][/list](get rid of [/li][/list])


Weaknesses:


Maue is too stubborn for her own good. (explain this)


She is also afraid of magic. Maue still remembers how it destroyed her family and can not function when she sees someone use magic. She refuses to lead magic users through the forest and questions all possible costumers about the fact.(I don’t see an explanation on magic destroying her family.  Just a warning, this restricts who you can interact with.  Finally, doesn’t this mean she didn’t like her brother.)


Maue is a loner and avoids her people. She feels this and lets it separate her even more. This has reinforced her self imposed exile. (How can you guide people, but not interact with them.  As I have said she wouldn’t lead humans in Thaelon.)


Maue is also afraid of heights. This fear developed after the death of her brother. The first time she tried to climb a tree after his death she found she couldn't stand the height above 7 peds.
Witz. His personality has caused Maue to be kicked out of multiple inns. She now warns all hostlers to stay away and that she will tend him.[/li][/list] (Again, get rid of [/li][/list])


History:
   Maue was her parent's first child. They were then shocked when her twin brother, Tyrone, was born five minutes after her. The two were extremely close growing up. They attacked their lessons with a passion that surprised their teachers. While Maue devoured poetry, biology, and geography, her brother learned magic as quickly as he could. (explain this)
   When the two were 15(this is very young) Tyrone became ill with a mysterious illness that shocked everyone. People began to think that he was done with his life(, but) Maue knew better. She went into his room armed with what she knew of the local plants and planned on trying to help him. When she touched him she received a great shock. This is where her scar on her palm comes from. Tyrone in his delusions did not realize that is sister had come to see him and had attacked Maue.
   After Tyrone died, Maue left her family. She knew that he had been killed. While visiting her brother she had seen the unmistakable thorns of a Foolsbed Bush. Someone had given her brother too much of the drug called Foolsbed Dew, that is what killed him. Her goal in life is to find her brother's killer. She travels the Bolder and Thaelon forests guiding those who wish to pass through to earn pay.
               Maue prays to Arvins to help her on her hunt for her brother's killer. When she first began her search she had a tattoo of a falcon placed on her shoulder in honor of the great hunter.
              Maue first met her friend Cal, the Corbie, when he was wounded and needed help. She healed him over many weeks and offered him food. This made him as curious as she had been. She told him of her history and other stories to distract him while she tried to ease his pain.(Would it really understand and/or be distracted?) The two have been companions since. Cal fallows Maue closely and shares her food although he avoids getting too close to those whom she guides. He refuses to be held but doesn't mind when Maue stokes his head.
              While acting as a guide for a merchant she ended up in Voldar while it was holding its horse fair. (I don’t understand?)  Off to the side of the main event she saw a young horse who was fighting his lead line. She walked over and began to watch him. When ever any one approached the young gelding would attack. When his owner came over after having sold the rest of his horses Maue saw him untie the gelding. From the direction that the man was taking the angry horse Maue could tell that he would not survive the day. When the horse's owner went into the leather worker's store she walked over and untied the horse. (I agree with Luca, being extremely good with animals doesn’t stop them ‘misbehaving’) The store had no windows and the streets were to full for anyone to pay attention to one more horse. After two years of hard work could safely ride the all black horse whom she named Witz.

Weapons: Maue favors the dagger. She wears one on her belt. She has one on her back. One is on the bottom of each boot in a compartment that she designed. She also keeps one dagger in each boot. (this is repeating) Along with her daggers Maue keeps a bow. Although it is often attached to her saddle she is very fond of it and will let no one else touch it. (why?)

Belongings:
She has a silver chain with a small falcon(,) made out(delete) of bone(,) on it. Witz's saddle is bright red with orange worked in to show a design of a dragon. Maue bought this about a year after she finished training Witz.
Familiars:
Maue travels with two animals(.  T)he first is the Corbie Cal. He has been with her the longest and is a quiet bird. He does not get along well with Witz(,)  although when Maue is leading groups through the forest he is somewhat friendly(,) but still standoffish(‘standoffish’, is this a word). He is all black, as is all of his kind, and is large for a bird. His feathers are more organized then those of most Corbies because Cal lets Maue preen him some.(This needs re-wording, it doesn’t make sense.)  Cal was about 2 when Maue found him. He is about 6 years old now. He hunts for himself and refuses to be held. Once he had healed from his original wounds Maue tried to continue to fed him, but unless she left the food at least 3 palmspans away Cal would not touch it. When Maue is camping Cal is often resting on a nearby tree branch. Although when she goes into villages or cities he will fallow(follow). Cal prefers to stay outside and sleep rather than join Maue, when she sleeps in an inn, or with Witz in a stable.
Witz is Maue's horse. He is all black and is slightly over five fores. Witz is very unfriendly to anyone besides for Maue and he can be possessive at times. Witz will move so that he is positioned between Maue and whoever she is guiding. This has led her to tether him on the side of her that is farthest from her costumer. While Maue loves him dearly he is a pain because Witz's favorite game is to pretend to be friendly. Then when someone approaches he will bite them. She now has to tell all hostlers to avoid him and that she will tend to him. Witz has tried to bite many stable hands and this has resulted in Maue being forced from inns. He has so far been safe while passing through cities. Maue thinks that this is because there is simply too many people for him to decide who to bite. At Maue's best guess Witz was about 6 when she stole him and is now roughly 10. She thinks that he is mostly Sarvonian Heavy Horse. What else Witz could be in Wit's family tree she isn't sure.

Anyway, it looks good.  Approval shouldn’t be to far away.

Mannix


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 08, 2008, 03:31:28 AM
O.K. I am working on fixing things with the help of my most recent comments. I would still appreciate comments I just changed my symbol so that people know I am not done changing it with concern to my most recent comments.
Thanks
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 08, 2008, 10:37:55 AM
More changes will probably be made shortly. The item that I am having the most difficulty with is Maue's brother. His memory torments her but he won't play a big part. However, I have received comments on his magic so if I could have some advice it would be appreciated.
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Angela on April 08, 2008, 12:10:51 PM
I spot something. In the last part of the first paragraph of her history, I think you spelled passion as pation.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 08, 2008, 12:12:39 PM
Thank you! :rolleyes:


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Angela on April 08, 2008, 01:22:57 PM
And also, what about the magic of her brother do you need help in? I might be able to help.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 08, 2008, 01:31:16 PM
Luca made some comments about Tyrone's schooling and also what type of magic he was stydying. Personally I have no idea. I also am not fully sure of what he would be strong enough to do."What kind of magic? Who taught him? Why was he not sent to Ximax?" and "I'm not sure if a home-trained elf would be able to create a shock (which is wind magic, I believe) so easily," were Luca's comments yesterday. I am doing research but am having trouble answering her questions.
Thanks for any help
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Angela on April 08, 2008, 01:38:01 PM
Its true that 15 is quite young for an elven-mage. They start at 17 elven years (I think for level 1). Yes, the bolt magic is air but I got an idea on how to make it easier for him to kill himself (that really does not sound good).

Why not let him study Fire magic instead? He could die out of improper control of the element which is not hard to do. As for the schooling, Home-training is quite longer than ximaxian training so add a little more years when he goes from 1 to 2.

The bolt spell is level three if my memory serves me well.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 08, 2008, 01:40:27 PM
Thank you for all of your help and I think I will use the bit about him studying fire magic. However, Tyrone didn't kill himself. Did I make that part too confusing in my history?
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Angela on April 08, 2008, 01:57:10 PM
No.... sorry if I did not made that sentence clear  :grin: . What I meant was it killed him. Sorry bout that.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 08, 2008, 02:00:00 PM
Ok I am really interested. My way of having Tyrone die sucks. I understand that so what spell or theory are you segusting? I love your idea now that I am starting to understand it. The only problem is that it needs to have been someone else causing it and Maue needs to be able to have realized what happened.
Thank you very much
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Angela on April 08, 2008, 02:21:07 PM
I am going to read how he died in your version then I'll try to activate my brain  :D .... forgot how he died... memory loss.

edit:  If he was to be a fire mage then Maue would not be shocked but rather burned. I originally thought that her borther died because of a spell accident but now I remember he was poisoned. Do you want it to be a spell related accident?


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 09, 2008, 12:27:27 AM
I don't really care how he was killed just so long as someone other than Tyrone killed Tyrone. I kind of have this idea that it was some old guy who was confused and though Tyrone had insulted him. now what he did to Tyrone, that is where I am having the trouble.
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Azhira Styralias on April 09, 2008, 12:49:07 AM
Seems more complicated than it should be...perhaps Tyrone died of a disease that affected his magic ability. It put him in a dazed state or confusion and when Maue came to help him, he burned her.

The poisoning thing seems out of sorts...like, who would want to kill Tyrone? Why? It seems simpler to just have him die of a disease or accident.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 09, 2008, 01:25:51 AM
Thank you
I think that would work a lot better and I think I know how to work it in.
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Azhira Styralias on April 09, 2008, 04:39:50 AM
I think that explanation works better, Maue. I would advise for you to remove the coloring on your CD so as us mods can read it a little better for the final read thru process. An approval is not far off, for sure!  :thumbup: :thumbup:


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 09, 2008, 05:23:28 AM
The green is gone! :grin:


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 10, 2008, 11:54:08 AM
To all of the amazing people who have given me comments,
Please continue. I will not be able to respond and adjust my CD until Sunday. If, miracle or miracles, I get titled during this time I want to say thank you in advance. If not I want to ask that you be patent with me and realize that I am not disappearing simply visiting some colleges.
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Celebriän Véneanár on April 10, 2008, 01:58:02 PM
hello, i found only some minor problems { i only did a quick scan} and here thay are


I saw a lot of your sentances start with the word she or Maue. try to strat with diffrent words to make it seem less choppy and un-even.

Also You should tell more details about her daggers ,how long are thay,what do thay look like,how much skill does she have in them?

You allso tell of a bow,again add more details,what type of bow? Long,short,recurve,crossbow or eny other kind in Santharia.What does it look like,color,type of wood,any carvings or beads or feathers.If you whant to get picky you can tell us what the bow string is made off.tell us how much skill she has and how often she uses it.

       May the wind be at your back and your sword stay sharp-Celebriän Véneanár


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 14, 2008, 09:44:49 AM
I am back and changes have been made. They are not in green but if you would like them pointed out just ask.
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 14, 2008, 05:53:37 PM
Ok, I really have only one comment on what you have now: I do think the Aellenrhim have skilled midwives, who would be able to tell Maue's parents that they were expecting a twin, so Tyrone being born after Maue shouldn't be so much of a surprise. If you could change that, I think you're ready for approval :)


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on April 14, 2008, 10:47:18 PM
Thanks Simonne
I made that change.
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Simonne Miller on April 14, 2008, 11:50:26 PM
Ok, here's your first approval!


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on April 15, 2008, 12:57:23 AM
Everything looked good and clean to me hun.

Titled and moved!


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Simonne Miller on May 19, 2008, 04:47:36 AM
Brought up as requested!


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on May 19, 2008, 08:06:11 AM
Thanks. The change is made and in green.
Maue


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on May 19, 2008, 08:40:21 AM
Are you done Maue? The edits were minor so I removed the color. If you are finished I'll rearchive this for you.


Title: Re: Maue/Aellenrhim/Guide
Post by: Maue on May 19, 2008, 09:09:19 AM
Yeah I'm done. Mannix just pointed out that I had an inconsistency.