Adventures of Caelereth

Archives => Approved Characters Archive II => Topic started by: Malavon Despana on March 09, 2006, 05:13:23 PM



Title: Malavon Despana
Post by: Malavon Despana on March 09, 2006, 05:13:23 PM
Name: Malavon Despana (Now calls himself Malevolant)
Age: 45
Gender: male
Height: 1 ped, 9 handspans
Race: Maelf
Tribe: Helcrani/Sanhorrhim
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Wizards Bane


Introduction:

It was a dark night, in a tavern of shady reputation, a man entered, his looks clearly differed from the clientele that normally hangs there, with a beautiful suit made of bright red silk.
With an arrogant look he went to the bartender and asked:

-" Good night (looking up and down at the man with an ironic smile) "sir" would you have the kindness of indicating where I can find a man by the name of Malevolant, I was supposed to met him here? "

-"Malevolant ?  Aye he be there in the corner ".

-"Most obliged, kind sir.”

As he walked to the corner, there was a man seated, he was entirely dressed in black and his face was hidden in the shadow.
He then asked:

Edgar -"Excuse me, might you be the man people call Malevolant ?"
His face came a bit to light and with a smile showing a perfect set of white teeth the man responded with a husky voice:

Malevolant -"Who wants to know?”

The question was made in a normal tone and despite of his smile the elegant gentleman couldn’t stop to feel a chill down his spine.

Edgar -"My name is Edgar Belmont, I was told by a mister Alexander Maine that I could find him here that is Malevolant."

Malevolant -"Alex? He always had a big mouth, well I am Malevolant, and what do you want from me?”

Edgar -"Well sir , you see I am a travelling bard and your name is whispered in every town as the man who the wizards fear , the man that has killed  more than  a dozen mages , so I  thought to get your history , it would make a magnificent ballad , of course I would pay for your time !"

Malevolant -"You think, do you?" What the hell, since I am in a good mood, I will tell how I became a Wizards Slayer"

Edgar - Before you start , there is a thing thats been intriguing me, your name , why Malevolant , i mean thats not your real name , is it ?

Malevolant - No my real name is Malavon , Malevolant is ... how to say, my professional name, it makes me sound more frightening and you have to agree that has a nice ring to it , right ?

Edgar - Completely!

Malevolant - Now if you dont any more questions i will continue my story .

History:

I was born form a hecrani father and Sanhorrhim mother and now you must be thinking " What unusual parents " , yes it is unusual but then again i am not an ordinary man.

My father in his younger days was a sailor , one day his ship sunk and by a strange twist of fate ( or not , one might think it was destined ) he was saved by a ship of Sanhorrhim elves , my father was ill many days and my mother , was the elf charged of looking over him.

She was a young elf that knew little of the world and she became in love by the tall and muscular human that not being handsome like some elfs she knew , couldnt control her heart.

The day my father awoke , he says that never in his life seen such a gracious creature , so he too became in love by her .

The day my father became better , my mother young and impulsive left the ship with him .

They lived an happy life until the day my mother  died giving
birth to yours truly, so i was raised by my father who was then a personal guard of a powerful wizard, one day while travelling the wizard was victim of an ambush, while he was unhurt in the ensueing battle, my father was not so lucky, he died.
I was 8 years old at the time.

Since i was an orphan the wizard, Xarhaz, that was his name, adopted me.
Little did i know and i think that my father didn’t know either , since he was a man of strong morals and honour , that Xarhaz was a cruel man , and took special pleasure from making my life a living hell .

I didn’t run for only one reason, Amelia.
Like me she was adopted, and we soon we became friends.
More than once she stopped Xarhaz from punishing me from something or another, somehow she was the only person that could calm the wizard, a thing that I could only understood a few years later.

Where was I? Ah yes...
So years passed, more precisely 10 years, and a boy became a man and Amelia ... well, what used to be a clumsy little girl with pigtails, transformed into a gorgeous Blonde Girl with bright blue eyes.

The friendship that existed between us became stronger, it became love...
For a few months I was happy, for once in this wretched life, I knew what was to be alive, until the day Xarhaz discovered our youthful romance, he became possesed, and while we were at the house garden, he appeared and spoke to us:

-" You stupid girl, I took you in my house, I raised you and this is how you repay me? By falling in love with this... trash?”

And then Amelia, my sweet Amelia spoke:

-"You don’t rule me!!. I am thankful for what you did, but I am a woman now and I chose who I want to be!"

- " No Amelia, I do have right to say what you should do, I am your father!

Those words, I never forget what they did to Amelia, she became mortified, asking:

-"But how? That’s..."

-"Impossible? No child , you are my daughter , the man that raised you until you were 5 years old wasn’t your father , and your mother a brothel  woman that I slept one night , may that stupid wench burn in hell , kept from me that I had a daughter, but I did found out and then I killed them both !!

-"No!! How could you?”

-"Why I did it? You really think that I took you in for the kindness of my heart?
No , despite of your mother origins somewhat repulses me , you are still my flesh and blood , my heir , so I raised in the hope that someday you would learn magic and become a powerful wizard like me . But no , you had to love him , son of the man I despised most in this earth, with such honour and kindness , that made me sick of my stomach every time he spoke to me and one day I killed him !!

Then it was my time to be stunned of what I just heared, until now I never taught about it, but it was true that my father died in mysterious circumstances, Xarhaz spoke again:

-"And since his death didn’t give me the pleasure that I taught, what better to get it that to raise his son and make his life a tortured one , but enough talk , now get out of the way or you will die with him !!

-"No let him live, I beg you!!”

-"So be it , you will die with him !! "

Xarhaz began to conjure a immense fireball ,having seen him using the fireball spell many times she knew that would take him some time to form it , and so we ran, however she twisted her ankle , not being possible to move. i tried to pick her up but   Amelia just kissed and hugged me giving her back to the mad mage.

For my sorrow, since I would preferred to die a 100 times that to watch what Amelia did, she refused to let me go knowing that the only way for me to survive was to sacrifice herself and so  the fireball hit her , she  received most of the impact, dying instantly, and knowing that I was next, I ran into the town leaving the surprised wizard behind before he had the time to conjure another .


I didn’t get very far , because of my injuries , despite of Amelia had taken the worse of the fireball several parts of my body were injured , more severely my left hand , that’s why I use now a glove to conceal it , it seems more a piece of charcoal than a member ...

But I am drifting from what’s important , returning to the story, like I said I didn’t get far , because I fainted due to my injuries.
When I woke up I was in a bed, and I feared the worse, that Xarhaz caught me, but no, lady luck smiled at me that moment, I was saved by a group of assassins that were going to attack Xarhaz, their leader made me a preposition impossible to refuse, to train me as an assassin so some day I could get my revenge, and so my training began.

I trained with the others , but unlike them , who were there for money or some ulterior motive , I was for personal reasons , and so I trained harder than anyone , learning what the masters had to teach , it took  me 20 years but finally I surpassed the masters , I became a master assassin.

When my training was over , Rugal the assassins master, called me , saying that he wanted me to became his successor , now you can imagine his surprise when I told that I wanted nothing to do with the group , that my only targets were going to be Xanhaz , and depending of my mood any evil person, he felt betrayed , he taught that I had trained this years to became worthy of the position , and so he banished me making me a marked man to the assassins , a betrayer .

Even now i wonder why he didn´t ordered my death at the spot , i supose he taught i was too powerfull , or perhaps i left so quickly that he didn´t had the time to kill me ?

Thats a question that only Rugal can answer , but then again who cares ? Im here today and that is all that maters !


The first victim of Zaroc, that be my sword here, was Xanhaz, he was then a weak man,and even so i studied for months its weakness , its habits for an  oportunity to atack, having gotten my revenge, I felt the need to cleanse the world of evil, and in this 2 years that passed i have put my skills in the name of good (As long i get paid) .
Whisper:To say the truth i really only killed one wizard , i am good but not that good!


So you see , the stories how i killed more than a dozen magi , isn't nothing more that tales or rumors ( that i spread myself , since i enjoy the respect and since the wizards have no proof , they cant do a thing to me ), making my nickname of "Wizards Bane" a underrated one .



Conclusion:

Malevolant -"And so that’s my story.”

Edgar -"I must say that’s quite a story you have”

Malevolant -" Yes I know, but leaving the pleasantries aside who hired you?”

Edgar -"I beg your pardon?"

Malovant continued to smile, but now wasn’t humorous at all, it was a dangerous one, he asked again:

Malevolant -"Come on don’t waste my time, as soon as you enter the tavern I knew who you are, now answer me or you will get a new smile in your belly.”

Edgar -"Ok, ok I wasn’t sent here by anyone, I just taught I could earn myself some fame if I could kill you.”

Malevolant -"You are from the guild? "

He nods yes with the head.

Malevolant -"The guild must be having bad times for letting someone like you in, well kid you may go.”

Edgar -"Are you letting me go? Why?"

Malevolant - "Like I told you today I am in a good mood, now go before I regret.”

Edgar -"One last question, why did you told me your story?"
"If you knew why I was here, what for telling me it?"

Malevolant -So you see that you have a choice, you seem to be from good families, this is not live for anyone, I was forced into this and you re wondering if having my revenge got me some comfort?
The answer is no , but once one kills the first time its almost impossible not to repeat it , I know that you haven’t killed anyone kid , so trust me when I say you should find other thing to do, now get out of here "

The boy left, soon after Malevolant with a sad smile finished his drink, and walked out the tavern vanishing in the night, alone as he should be.


Appearance:

Thin, with sinuous muscles, he is quite tall due to his helcrani traits.

From his mother was gifted with hair so blonde that during day light seems white , his tired yet kind emerald eyes denotes a wisdom and pain that goes well beyond his age .

His body has several fire burns due to his experience with Xarhaz, being most visible (In the few times he took off the glove) his burned left hand , he only has one tattoo , its on his right arm in golden letters , its written "Amelia", in memory of his only true love.  


Behaviour:

Carefree, it’s the best way to describe Malevolant .
He can be very charismatic, especially around women, yet he doesn’t take any advantage of his good looks, for he has sworn never to love another woman than Amelia.
Most of the time he has a humorous smile on his face , but when he gets angry or feels in danger , the smile becomes more of a grin , showing his white  teeth  like a wolf.


Items:

-Zaroc as his owner calls it, this Short Sword, its Malevovant most prized possession.
In the years that he trained in the assassin’s group, he befriended a wealthy merchant Marcus, whose son had been killed due to a  wizard’s mistake( actually it was a healer mistake,when his son got sick, a healer couldnt save him, and since that he sees all magic with disdain and hate), so his hate for wizards was well known.
Malevolant told his story to Marcus, who immediately liked the boy reminding of his son.
Using the immense wealth of Marcus, the two hired two of the best smiths to create it.

The smiths worked day and night for months and Zaroc was finally done.
The Short Sword is entirely of black iron including the hilt, engraved in the blade is the name of the weapon .
Dispite of not having any sort of magic or enchantement , it is very light and due of being all dark , it makes a perfect weapon for an assassin.

-A set of well made throwing knifes (If the target is distracted, there is no need to come closer, is there?)

-He dresses in black; using light leather armour so he can move more quickly in his "missions".

Strengths:

-Great speed and agility.In the years of training Malevolant began to notice that he moved, run, climb and reacted to danger quicker that his training companions, perhaps due to his elfish blood? Not even he can answer.  

-Train of Assassin, he has trained hard in the way of the shadows, he has learned well, and he is capable of hide or "vanish" in the shadows with extreme ease.

-Skilled swordsmen, Malevolant is quite skiled in melee combat , excelling against heavy armored oponents, using his
uncommonly speed dodging easily their slow attacks.

Weaknesses:

-Marked man, he has been marked as traitor by the assassins group and has made many enemies amongst the wizards, he lives a live of constant danger, never staying much in the same place for his as well for others around him safety.

-Alcoholic,when not in mission he tends to drown his sorrow(Mainly thinking of Amelia) in drinks.

-Afraid of fire, he lost his loved one in the fire and several parts of his body still hurts terribly and has nightmares since that day , reminding him how destructive fire can be.

-Cynical and ironic, Malevolant can be sometimes say the wrong thing in the wrong moment and some people don’t like that, often resulting in a brawl.

-His left hand can sometimes give such  excruciating pain , that often takes him to a brink of colapsing .

-Several bones were broken from the impact of the fireball , and although 20 years have passed , they still aches time to time.

Quote:
By taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing over it, he is superior.

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 4/11/06 22:38


Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: Rvahr the Hunter on March 09, 2006, 07:17:23 PM
I always use my red pen

Name: Malavon Despana (Now calls himself Malevolant)
Age: 32 this seems like it might be a little young. Remeber that while you are only half elf, elves do age very slowly.
Gender: male
Height: 1.9 peds
Race: Half-Elf(Father Helcarni and mother Sanhorrhim) cut the mother father part out
Tribe: Helcrani/Sanhorrhim
Occupation: Wizard Slayer
Title: Wizards Bane

Introduction :
It was a dark night , spacing funky in a tabernsp of shady reputation , comma spacing again, this should be a . a man entered , and again his looks cleary differed from the clientele that normaly hangs there , again with a beautifull suit made of bright red silk .

space your paragraphs

With a arrogant look he went to the bartender and asked :

-" Good night ( looking up and down at the man with a ironic smile) "sir" would you have the kindness of indicating where i can find a man by the name of Malevolant, icaps was suposed to met him here? "

-"Malevolant ? Aye he be there in the corner ".

-"Most obliged , kind sir ."
As he walked to the corner , there where the man was seated was a man seated , a man he was, instead of a man entirely dressed in black and his face was hidden in the shadow .
He than asked: he being who?

-"Excuse me , might you be the man people call Malevolant ?"
His face came a bit to light and with a smile showing a perfect set of white teeth the man responded with a husky voice :

-"Who wants to know ?"

The question was made in a normal tone and dispite of dont need the of his smile the elegant gentleman which one is this, the black or the red? couldn´t stop to feel a chill down his spine .

-"My name is Edgar Belmont , i was told by a mister Alexander Maine that i could find him here , that is Malevolant."
-"Alex ? He always had a big mouth , well i am Malevolant, what do you want from me ?"

-"Well sir , you see i am a traveling bard and your name is whispered in every town as the man who the wizards fear , the man that has killed more than a dozen mages , so i taught thought? to get your history , it would make a magnificent ballad , of course i would pay for your time !"

-"You think , do you ?" What the hell , since i am in a good mood , i will tell how i became a Wizards nix the s Slayer"

History:
I was born born form a hecrani father and Sanhorrhim mother who died giving birth to yours truly wow, he's lighthearted about the death of his mother. , so i was raised by my father who was a personal guard of a powerfull wizard , one day while travelling the wizard was victim of an ambush , while he was unhurt in this the ensueing battle, instead of this , my father was not so lucky, he died .
I was 8 years old at the time .

Since i was an orfan the wizard , Xarhaz , that was his name, adopted me . either space or merge the paragraphs
Little did i know and i think that my father didnt knew know either , since he was a man of strong morals and honor , that Xarhaz was a cruel man , and took special pleasure from making my life a living hell . serious run on

I didn´t kill myself for only one reason why would he kill himself, why not simply run away? , Amelia .
Like me she was adopted , and we soon we became friends .
More than once she stoped Xarhaz from punishing me from something or another , somehow she was the only person that could calm the wizard , a thing that i could only understand understood a few years later .

Where was i ? Ah yes ...
So years passed , more precisely 10 years , and a boy became a man , and Amelia ... well , what used to be a clumsy litlle girl with pigtails, transformed into a gorgeous Blonde Girl with bright blue eyes.

The friendship that existed between us became stronger , it became love...
For a few months i was happy , for once in this wretched life , i knew what was to be alive , until the day Xarhaz discovered our youthfull romance , he became possesed,and while we were at the house garden , he appeared and spoke to us:

-" You stupid girl , i took you in my house , i raised you and this is how you repay me ? By falling in love in love with this .. trash ?"
And then Amelia, my sweet Amelia spoke :

-"You dont rule me !!. I am thankfull for what you did , but i am a woman now and i chose who i want to be!"

- " No Amelia , i do have right to say what you should do , i am your father !

Those words , i never forget what they did to Amelia, she became mortified , asking :

-"But how ? Thats..."

-"Impossible ? No child , you are my child , the man that raised you until you were 5 years old wasnt your father , and your mother a brothel woman that i slept one night , may that stupid wench burn in hell , kept from me that i had a daughter , but i did found out and then i killed them both !!

-"No !! How could you ?"

-"Why i did it ? You really think that i took you in for the kindness of my heart?
No , dispite of your mother origins somewhat repulses me , you are still my flesh and blood , my heir , so i raised in the hope that someday you would learn magic and become a powerfull wizard like me . But no , you had to love him , son of the man i dispised most in this earth, with such honor and kindness , that made me sick of my stomach every time he spoke to me and one day i killed him !! why then does he hire your father as a guard again

Then it was my time to be stuned of what i just heared , until now i never taughtsp about it , but it was true that my father died in mysterious circumstances, Xarhuz spoked tence again :

-"And since his death didnt give me the pleasure that i taughtsp. it would, what better to get it that to raise his son and make his life a tortured one , this sentance needs work but enough talk , now get out of the way or you will die with him !!

-"No let him live , i beg you !!"

-"Very well come near me and i will"

As soon Amelia let go my hand Xarhaz conjured a imense fireball and launched at me , but for my sorrow , since i would prefered to die a 100 times that to watch what Amelia did, she had jumped in forward of the fireball magic does not work that way, he would have to take time to conjure the fireball to the appropriat size, then unleash it. By the time he got to unleashing it, it would move to fast for her to get in the way receiving most of the impact , dying instantly, and knowing that i was next , i ran into the town leaving the suprised wizard behind .

I didnt get very far , because of my injuries , dispite of Amelia had taken the worse of the fireball several parts of my body were injured , more severely my left hand , thats why i use now a glove to conceal it a glove now, to conceal it , it seems more a piece of charcoal than a member ...

But i am drifting from whats important , returning to the story, like i said i didnt get far , because i fainted due to my injuries.
When i woke up i was in a bed , and i feared the worse , that Xarhaz caught me , but no , lady luck smiled at me that moment , i was saved by a group of assassins that were going to attack Xarhaz , their leader made me a preposicion impossible to refuse , to train me as an assassin so some day i could get my revenge , and so my training began.

I trained with the others , but unlike them , who were there for money or some ulterior motive , i was for personal reasons , and so i trained harder than anyone , learning what the masters had to teach , it took me 12 years but finally i surpassed the masters , i became a master assassin.

When my training was over , Rugal the assassins guildmaster, called me , saying that he wanted me to became his sucessor , now you can imagine his suprise when i told that i wanted nothing to do with the guild , that my only targets were going to be evil wizards , and depending of my mood any evil person, he felt betrayed , he taughtsp that i had trained this years to became worthy of the posicionsp , and so he banished me making me a marked man to the assassins , a betrayer .

The first victim of Zaroc , that be my sword here , was Xanhaz, he was then a weak man , so to a man as good as myself wasn t much of a challenge, having my revenge , i felt the need to cleanse the world of evil , and in this 2 years that passed ot so happened that i killed more than a dozen of wizards , evil ones mind you , giving me the nickname of "Wizards Bane".

Conclusion:
-"And so thats my story ."

-"I must say thats quite a story you have "

-" Yes i know , but leaving the plaisanteriessp aside who hired you ?"

-"I beg your pardon?"

Malovant continued to smile , but now wasn't humorous at all , it was a dangerous one , he asked again:

-"Come on dont waste my time , as soon as you enter the tabern i knew who you are , now answer me or you will get a new smile in your belly ."

-"Ok, ok i wasnt sent here by anyone , i just taught i could earn myself some fame if i could kill you ."

-"You are from the guild ? "

He noods yes with the head .

-"The guild must be having bad times for letting someone like you in , well kid you may go ."

-"Are you letting me go? Why?"

-"Like i told you today i am in a good mood , now go before i regret ."

-"One last question , why did you told me your story?"
"If you knew why i was here ,what for telling me it ?"

-So you see that you have a choice ,you seem to be from good families , this is not live for anyone, i was forced into this and you re wondering if having my revenge got me some confort ?
The answer is no , but once one kills the first time its almost impossible not to repeat it , i know that you havent killed anyone kid , so trust me when i say you should find other thing to do, now get the hell out of here "

The boy left , soon after Malevolant with a sad smile finished his drink , and walked out the tabern vanishing in the night , alone as he should be.


Appearance:
Thin, with sinuoussp muscles , he is quite tall due to his helcrani traits.
From his mother was gifted with hair so blonde that during day light seems white , his tired yet kind eyes denotes a wisdowsp and pain that goes well beyond his age . They are green , elfish green.
His body has several fire burns due to his experience with Xarhaz, being most visible (In the few times he tooks off the glove) his burned left hand , he only has one tattoo , its on his right arm in golden letters , its written "Amelia", in memory of his only true love.  run on


Behaviour:

Carefree , its the best way to describe Malevolant .
He can be very charismatic , especially around women, yet he dont take any advantage of his good looks , for he has sworn never to love another woman than Amelia .
Most of the time he has a humorous smile on his face , but when he gets angry or feels in danger , the smile becames more of a grin , showing his white teeth like a wolf.


Items:

-Zaroc or Disruptor as his creator calls it , this ShortSword shortsword , its is Malevovant most prized possession.
In the years that he trained in the assassins guild , he befriended a wealthy merchant Marcus , whos son had been killed in a wizards duel , so his hate for wizards was well known.
Malevolant told his story to Marcus , who immediatly liked the boy reminding? his son.
Using the imense wealth of Marcus , the two hired two of the best dwarven smiths to create a weapons especially for killing wizards. The smiths worked day and night for months and Zaroc was finnaly done .
The ShortSword is entirely of black iron including the hilt , engraved in the blade is the name of the blade "Disruptor"
As the names implies the Disruptor "disrupts" any enchantment it hits , but the smiths made other two suprises in the weapons , it grants an imense magic resistance and helps the wearer to hide in the shadows. read the restriction thread, enchanted items are restricted, though not banned. You will need an indepth section soley on Zaroc. This section should describe how the weapon was forged, history on the weapon, and all of the weapons abilites.

-A set of well made throwing knifes( If the target is distracted , there is no need to come closer , is there ?)

-He dresses in black;using light armour so he can move more quickly in his "missions".

Strengths:

-Great speed and agility

-Train of Assassin, he has trained hard in the way of the shadows, he has learned well, and he his capable of hide or vanish in the shadows with extreme ease.

-Skilled swordsmen, relying in speed and agility than strenght he can be very deadly in one on one combat

armor and charisma are strengths

Weaknesses:

-Marked man , he has been marked as traitor by the assassins guild and has made many enemies amongst the wizards , he lives a live of constant danger , never staying much in the same place for his as well for others around him safety.

-Loner , he rarely joins someone and if he does , he can t stay with them for long due to his complicated nature.

-Cynical and ironic , Malevolant can be sometimes say the wrong thing in the wrong moment and some people dont like that, often resulting in a brawl.


You need to go through this CD and fix all your punctuation. Also you have quite a few grammar issues, many of which I did not comment. Comb thorugh for spelling issues also, I noticed more than a few.

You are unbalanced right now and need to come up with a weakness that will ofset all of your strengths. Right now you have three very strong strengths, and no real strong weaknesses.

Paragraph/Formating issues need to be resolved, space paragraphs so that your CD is easy to read.

I would like to see the character fleshed out. Right now you just have a group of bullets basically. You just jump from one seemingly random fact to annother. Give the character some life and elaboration. I would check out the approved characters archive for an Idea of what an approved CD should look like.

Drop me an EZ-mail when you are ready for me to reread the CD, ill be there within the next day.;)

Swimming through waters of truth and sustinance, filled by tribulations and dark discordiance,
is a monster who cries tears of steel and an angel, who sceams symphonies.

-R'vahr, The Hunter in Darkness



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: Mina on March 10, 2006, 01:57:23 AM
I'd like a good explanation for how this wizard managed to get away with the stuff he did, as well as why there are so many wizards who have gone bad out there for your character to kill.  Do you think that Ximax is so incompetent?  Also, you might want to read up on how magic works before trying to equip your character with magical weapons.  Even if the abilities on that sword are possible (I doubt the first two are, and the third is probably really hard to do), mere dwarven smiths would not be able to create such enchantments.  Enchantments require the aid of very, very powerful magi.  




Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: so orril miesefer on March 10, 2006, 12:38:23 PM
Well done, but as said by Mina, Ximax have "filters" to eliminate if not all, almost every evilish mage.
I suggest you to explain what he think is bad and what good, because you tocuh some important aspects, like revenge.



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: Malavon Despana on March 10, 2006, 05:50:23 PM
I Thank all for the comments ,  i have a question that may sound stupid , but i have to ask nonetheless.

It is possible for Wizards to be evil in Santharia ?

If not i humbly request some sugestions how to make my cd a wizards slayer without this.



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on March 10, 2006, 09:15:23 PM
Well, of course there might be some evil ones, but they wouldn't have necessarily crossed your path. How do you find them?

You haven't cleared up Mina's problem with the fire spell. I set the pencil again.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: Mina on March 10, 2006, 09:56:23 PM
I don't think there's enough rogue wizards (I assume that's what's meant by 'evil wizard'; the powerful megalomaniac sort simply can't exist here) around for you to make a living from just killing them.  The number of secular magic users in Santharia is very small - I estimate there's no more than a couple of thousand, and that's including even the beginners who can barely do anything magical yet.  Besides, Ximax is probably capable of handling such cases themselves.  The law enforcement people would probably be involved in such things too.  In other words, there's no room in Santharia for people who do nothing aside from killing rogue wizards.  

On the other hand, he could just kill wizards indiscriminately, or kill any wizard he's heard is evil, without verifying it first.  Either way, he's going to get into trouble with the authorities really quickly, and unless he's really good, or really lucky, he probably won't survive long enough to have killed over a dozen.  Especially since Ximax is likely to send trained battlemagi after people who go about killing innocent wizards.  If you pick this route, you probably should explain how he managed to survive so long.  

I'd also like some details on how he kills wizards.  It's certainly not an easy task if you have no magical ability yourself.  

Quote:
he his capable of hide or vanish in the shadows with extreme ease.

Just to clarify, the 'vanish in the shadows' part isn't literal, right?  




Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: so orril miesefer on March 11, 2006, 10:04:23 AM
Well, IMHO there's a reason I think would be a bit bad but can work: You was rejected from Ximax, or you have a kind of hate over wizards because they did you (note the you, not your family) something that marked your whole life, then you assumed ALL wizards where the same (like many womans that say that all the mans are... that doesn't have to do with this so ).

An then, Mina is right, you would have problems with the authorities very fast, AND with wizards too, that I think you don't need.

You can kill for money, as many assasins do, and maybe you can study shadowmancy though I don't know if it is allowed.



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: Malavon Despana on March 11, 2006, 11:31:23 AM
Ok I Changed some parts of my story , but now i am still working on the fireball issue , as soon i finished i will post .

Ps: Again thx for all the commentaries , it was a great Help!!1



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: Keldren on March 14, 2006, 01:42:23 PM
Couple of things real quick. First off I found the story entertaining. But I would recomend you use spell check. The proper term for a half elf is Maelf. It is hard to find but it is out there. It helps add more feel to the CD. You are off to a good start but you have a fair amount of work ahead of you.



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: so orril miesefer on March 17, 2006, 11:22:23 AM
I will insist in finding a better way to explain the enchanted sword



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: Pikel Thunderstone on March 17, 2006, 11:41:23 AM
Pikel + Commentingness = Teh LIMEzors

Simple math really :)

Quote:
Strengths:

-Great speed and agility

-Train of Assassin, he has trained hard in the way of the shadows, he has learned well, and he is capable of hide or "vanish" in the shadows with extreme ease.

-Skilled swordsmen, relying in speed and agility than strength he can be very deadly in one on one combat

Weaknesses:

-Marked man, he has been marked as traitor by the assassins guild and has made many enemies amongst the wizards, he lives a live of constant danger, never staying much in the same place for his as well for others around him safety.

-Loner, he rarely joins someone and if he does, he can t stay with them for long due to his complicated nature. I do not see how this is much of a weakness, considering he is an assassin and large groups of people would hinder his profession, as opposed to help it.

-Cynical and ironic, Malevolant can be sometimes say the wrong thing in the wrong moment and some people don’t like that, often resulting in a brawl.

-His left hand can sometimes give such excruciating pain , that often takes him to a brink of colapsing .


Your strengths overpower your weaknesses. You don't have all that many real weaknesses, while your strengths make your character out to be quite powerful. I would suggest toning down your strengths or tacking on a major weakness or two. (go with two)

Other than that good job




**DISCLAIMER** I apologize to anyone I may have offended in the above post. I would like to assure you that was (most likely) not my goal. I would also like to assure you that the above post (again, most likely) in no way reflects the views of the Santharian boards or their webmaster, Artimidor Federkiel.



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: so orril miesefer on March 17, 2006, 11:52:23 AM
for weakness:

He drinks a lot...
He is pursued by mages...
He has a dissease like ahsma...



Title: Re: My cd comments please
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on March 17, 2006, 06:25:23 PM
Yes, it is better, but still not satisfactory.


Why didn't you run away with your love, when the mage began to conjure the fireball? - Maybe you tried, but then one of you stumbled (you?), fell, broke an ankle and she stayed with you, protecting you?

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

Edited by: Talia Sturmwind  at: 3/17/06 10:27


Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Malavon Despana on March 18, 2006, 11:20:23 AM
Thx Talia , that is a great sugestion , and if you dont mind i will use it , i was having a really tough time with the fireball issue.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: so orril miesefer on March 18, 2006, 12:29:23 PM
I suggest to find OR cancel the enchanted sword.

Weakness I think isn't enough, if you can flee (speed and agility) is almost imposible to use the weakness of Osteogenesis, BTW that's the name in spanish, I would suggest to traslate it.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels on March 25, 2006, 09:12:23 AM
What about a spellcheck?
Apart from that I think you are fairly done :)  

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Malavon Despana on March 25, 2006, 11:32:23 AM
Pardon my ignorance , but how i do i spellcheck?

I Know it seems like a stupid question , but hey... it does not offend to ask :)  



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on March 25, 2006, 11:57:23 AM
We have our own "Spell Check" on the site - (at least we used to)

Other wise, you should be able to find different programs to copy your CD into that would do a spell check for you (autormatically check your spelling)

That, or you should be able to find a website of some sort which has a program that could do it



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: so orril miesefer on March 26, 2006, 05:31:23 AM
I use Word... and my sister.:lol  



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on March 28, 2006, 01:55:23 PM
Hello Malavon, first and foremost, welcome to Santharia! You have a wonderfully written CD here, so this shouldn't be too hard. My comments shall be in the ever ugly color of: Orange

Name: Malavon Despana (Now calls himself Malevolant)
Age: 45 <--I know very little about the lifespan of a half-elf so I am unsure here. But if it is equal to a humans I see nothing wrong with his level of skills.
Gender: male
Height: 1 ped, 9 handspans
Race: Maelf
Tribe: Helcrani/Sanhorrhim
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Wizards Bane


Introduction:

It was a dark night, in a tavern of shady reputation, a man entered, his looks Cleary<--clearly differed from the clientele that normally hangs there, with a beautiful suit made of bright red silk.
With an arrogant look he went to the bartender and asked:

-" Good night (looking up and down at the man with an ironic smile) "sir" would you have the kindness of indicating where I can find a man by the name of Malevolant, I was supposed to met him here? "

-"Malevolant ? Aye he be there in the corner ".

-"Most obliged, kind sir.”

As he walked to the corner, there was a man seated, he was entirely dressed in black and his face was hidden in the shadow.
He then asked:

Edgar -"Excuse me, might you be the man people call Malevolant ?"
His face came a bit to light and with a smile showing a perfect set of white teeth the man responded with a husky voice:

Malevolant -"Who wants to know?”

The question was made in a normal tone and despite of his smile the elegant gentleman couldn’t stop to feel a chill down his spine.

Edgar -"My name is Edgar Belmont, I was told by a mister Alexander Maine that I could find him here that is Malevolant."

Malevolant -"Alex? He always had a big mouth, well I am Malevolant, and what do you want from me?”

Edgar -"Well sir , you see I am a travelling bard and your name is whispered in every town as the man who the wizards fear , the man that has killed more than a dozen mages , so I thought to get your history , it would make a magnificent ballad , of course I would pay for your time !"<---One long sentence but that is only a grammatical error.

Malevolant -"You think, do you?" What the hell, since I am in a good mood, I will tell how I became a Wizards Slayer"

History:

I was born form a hecrani father and Sanhorrhim mother who died giving birth to yours truly, so i was raised by my father who was a personal guard of a powerful wizard, one day while travelling the wizard was victim of an ambush, while he was unhurt in the ensueing battle, my father was not so lucky, he died.
I was 8 years old at the time.

Since i<---I was an orphan the wizard, Xarhaz, that was his name, adopted me.
Little did i know and i think that my father didn’t know either , since he was a man of strong morals and honour , that Xarhaz was a cruel man , and took special pleasure from making my life a living hell .

I didn’t run for only one reason, Amelia.
Like me she was adopted, and we soon we became friends.
More than once she stopped Xarhaz from punishing me from something or another, somehow she was the only person that could calm the wizard, a thing that I could only understood a few years later.<--- Another VERY long sentence.

Where was I? Ah yes...
So years passed, more precisely 10 years, and a boy became a man and Amelia ... well, what used to be a clumsy little girl with pigtails, transformed into a gorgeous Blonde Girl with bright blue eyes.<--- Another VERY long sentence.

The friendship that existed between us became stronger, it became love...
For a few months I was happy, for once in this wretched life, I knew what was to be alive, until the day Xarhaz discovered our youthful romance, he became possesed, and while we were at the house garden, he appeared and spoke to us:<--- Another VERY long sentence.

-" You stupid girl, I took you in my house, I raised you and this is how you repay me? By falling in love in love with this... trash?”
And then Amelia, my sweet Amelia spoke:

-"You don’t rule me!!. I am thankful for what you did, but I am a woman now and I chose who I want to be!"

- " No Amelia, I do have right to say what you should do, I am your father!

Those words, I never forget what they did to Amelia, she became mortified, asking:

-"But how? That’s..."

-"Impossible? No child , you are my daughter , the man that raised you until you were 5 years old wasn’t your father , and your mother a brothel woman that I slept one night , may that stupid wench burn in hell , kept from me that I had a daughter, but I did found out and then I killed them both !!<--- Another VERY long sentence.

-"No!! How could you?”

-"Why I did it? You really think that I took you in for the kindness of my heart?
No , despite of your mother origins somewhat repulses me , you are still my flesh and blood , my heir , so I raised in the hope that someday you would learn magic and become a powerful wizard like me .<--- Another VERY long sentence. But no , you had to love him , son of the man I despised most in this earth, with such honour and kindness , that made me sick of my stomach every time he spoke to me and one day I killed him !!<--- Another VERY long sentence.

Then it was my time to be stunned of what I just heared, until now I never taught about it, but it was true that my father died in mysterious circumstances, Xarhaz spoke again:<--- Another VERY long sentence.

-"And since his death didn’t give me the pleasure that I taught, what better to get it that to raise his son and make his life a tortured one , but enough talk , now get out of the way or you will die with him !!<--- Another VERY long sentence.

-"No let him live, I beg you!!”

-"So be it , you will die with him !! "

Xarhaz began to conjure a immense fireball ,having seen him using the fireball spell many she knew that would take him some time to form it , and so we ran, however she twisted her ankle , not being possible to move.<--- Another VERY long sentence. i tried to pick her up but Amelia just kissed and hugged me giving her back to the mad mage.

For my sorrow, since I would preferred to die a 100 times that to watch what Amelia did, she refused to let me go knowing that the only way for me to survive was to sacrifice herself and so the fireball hit her , she received most of the impact, dying instantly, and knowing that I was next, I ran into the town leaving the surprised wizard behind before he had the time to conjure another .<--- Another VERY long sentence.

I didn’t get very far , because of my injuries , despite of Amelia had taken the worse of the fireball several parts of my body were injured , more severely my left hand , that’s why I use now a glove to conceal it , it seems more a piece of charcoal than a member ...<--- Another VERY long sentence.

But I am drifting from what’s important , returning to the story, like I said I didn’t get far , because I fainted due to my injuries.
When I woke up I was in a bed, and I feared the worse, that Xarhaz caught me, but no, lady luck smiled at me that moment, I was saved by a group of assassins that were going to attack Xarhaz, their leader made me a preposition impossible to refuse, to train me as an assassin so some day I could get my revenge, and so my training began.<--- Another VERY long sentence.

I trained with the others , but unlike them , who were there for money or some ulterior motive , I was for personal reasons , and so I trained harder than anyone , learning what the masters had to teach , it took me 20 years but finally I surpassed the masters , I became a master assassin.<--- Another VERY long sentence.

When my training was over , Rugal the assassins guild master, called me , saying that he wanted me to became his successor , now you can imagine his surprise when I told that I wanted nothing to do with the guild , that my only targets were going to be Xanhaz , and depending of my mood any evil person, he felt betrayed , he taught that I had trained this years to became worthy of the position , and so he banished me making me a marked man to the assassins , a betrayer .<--- Another VERY long sentence.

The first victim of Zaroc, that be my sword here, was Xanhaz, he was then a weak man,and even so i studied for months its weakness , its habits for an oportunity to atack, having gotten my revenge, I felt the need to cleanse the world of evil, and in this 2 years that passed i have put my skills in the name of good (As long i get paid) .<--- Another VERY long sentence.
Whisper:To say the truth i really only killed one wizard , i am good but not that good!

So you see , the stories how i killed more than a dozen magi , isn't nothing more that tales or rumors, making my nickname of "Wizards Bane" a underrated one .



Conclusion:

Malevolant -"And so that’s my story.”

Edgar -"I must say that’s quite a story you have”

Malevolant -" Yes I know, but leaving the pleasantries aside who hired you?”

Edgar -"I beg your pardon?"

Malovant continued to smile, but now wasn’t humorous at all, it was a dangerous one, he asked again:

Malevolant -"Come on don’t waste my time, as soon as you enter the tavern I knew who you are, now answer me or you will get a new smile in your belly.”

Edgar -"Ok, ok I wasn’t sent here by anyone, I just taught I could earn myself some fame if I could kill you.”

Malevolant -"You are from the guild? "

He nods yes with the head.

Malevolant -"The guild must be having bad times for letting someone like you in, well kid you may go.”

Edgar -"Are you letting me go? Why?"

Malevolant - "Like I told you today I am in a good mood, now go before I regret.”

Edgar -"One last question, why did you told me your story?"
"If you knew why I was here, what for telling me it?"

Malevolant -So you see that you have a choice, you seem to be from good families, this is not live for anyone, I was forced into this and you re wondering if having my revenge got me some comfort?
The answer is no , but once one kills the first time its almost impossible not to repeat it , I know that you haven’t killed anyone kid , so trust me when I say you should find other thing to do, now get the hell<--- There is no heaven or hell on Santharia so any mention of this word should be changed to something more fitting. out of here "

The boy left, soon after Malevolant with a sad smile finished his drink, and walked out the tavern vanishing in the night, alone as he should be.


Appearance:

Thin, with sinuous muscles, he is quite tall due to his helcrani traits.

From his mother was gifted with hair so blonde that during day light seems white , his tired yet kind eyes denotes a wisdom and pain that goes well beyond his age . They are green, elfish<--- Elfish is probably not a shade of green, try words like emerald, jade or something more defining as this word does not really fit here. green.

His body has several fire burns due to his experience with Xarhaz, being most visible (In the few times he took off the glove) his burned left hand , he only has one tattoo , its on his right arm in golden letters , its written "Amelia", in memory of his only true love.


Behaviour:

Carefree, it’s the best way to describe Malevolant .
He can be very charismatic, especially around women, yet he doesn’t take any advantage of his good looks, for he has sworn never to love another woman than Amelia.
Most of the time he has a humorous smile on his face , but when he gets angry or feels in danger , the smile becomes more of a grin , showing his white teeth like a wolf.


Items:

-Zaroc as his creator calls it, this Short Sword, its Malevovant most prized possession.
In the years that he trained in the assassin’s guild, he befriended a wealthy merchant Marcus, whose son had been killed in a wizard’s duel, so his hate for wizards was well known.
Malevolant told his story to Marcus, who immediately liked the boy reminding of his son.
Using the immense wealth of Marcus, the two hired two of the best dwarven smiths to create it.

The smiths worked day and night for months and Zaroc was finally done.
The Short Sword is entirely of black iron including the hilt, engraved in the blade is the name of the weapon .
Dispite of not having any sort of magic or enchantement , it is very light and due of being all dark , it makes a perfect weapon for an assassin.

-A set of well made throwing knifes (If the target is distracted, there is no need to come closer, is there?)

-He dresses in black; using light armour so he can move more quickly in his "missions".

Strengths:

-Great speed and agility <-- Giving a couple examples of his speed or his agility would help define these attributes alot. Nothing real big, just a sentence or two would go along way here.

-Train of Assassin, he has trained hard in the way of the shadows, he has learned well, and he is capable of hide or "vanish"<-- You don't mean "vanish" literally, I hope? in the shadows with extreme ease.

-Skilled swordsmen, relying in speed and agility than strength he can be very deadly in one on one combat <-- Is he deadly verse a well armored knight or maybe just a skilled fighter? Stating what type of opponent he could face would define how GOOD he actually is with his blade. Masterful, trained, skilled and such are wonderful words to describe how good a person is with a blade.

Weaknesses:

-Marked man, he has been marked as traitor by the assassins guild and has made many enemies amongst the wizards, he lives a live of constant danger, never staying much in the same place for his as well for others around him safety.

-Alcoholic,when not in mission he tends to drown his sorrow(Mainly thinking of Amelia) in drinks.

-Afraid of fire, he lost his loved one in the fire and several parts of his body still hurts terribly and has nightmares since that day , reminding him how destructive fire can be.

-Cynical and ironic, Malevolant can be sometimes say the wrong thing in the wrong moment and some people don’t like that, often resulting in a brawl.

-His left hand can sometimes give such excruciating pain , that often takes him to a brink of colapsing .

-Suffers from Osteogenesis Imperfecta,<-- You probably can't state a specific disease that is wrong with him but you can describe it's effects on him. or weak bones disease as is commonly known , while this does not hinder his speed and agility , he can´t take any serious blows or risks having an instant broken bone in combat <-- To even know he has this probably means it has happened in the past. Maybe some bones that ache him from past wounds would help out here for a weakness.

Well that is all I can see as your unique way of writing this character leaves little else to fault IMHO. I hope my comments aid you in getting your title soon and feel free to ask questions here. Since you seem very close to approval and I do like the character very much I shall return frequently.

~Bows gracefully and departs~

•´¯¨˜°º°†he §pe££ ƒe££ Üpon the Çrowd £ike a Ðragon, ancien† and ƒu££ oƒ dea†h.°º°˜¨¯`•
.·´`·.The School of Fire Magic.·´`·.

Edited by: Twen  Araerwen  at: 3/28/06 10:47


Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Tawny Gryphon on March 28, 2006, 03:21:23 PM
~shudders....~

This guy looks creepy... at least from his Pic..

Good lookin CD though, save the updates required from the higher ups of course



Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold -- but so does a hard-boiled egg.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Malavon Despana on March 29, 2006, 08:57:23 AM
Thank you Twen for you great comments , i will try to improve my CD.

Tawny It really looks a creepy guy ;)   but if you read his cd , you will see that Malavon is a good sport .

Ps Thx for you kind opinions.;)  

Edited by: Malavon Despana at: 3/29/06 0:58


Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: so orril miesefer on March 30, 2006, 02:31:23 PM
I willl insist, as slayer of mage, you won't live very long. And... Where's the section about the sword??. (Maybe it's there and my PC haven't show it).  



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Malavon Despana on March 30, 2006, 04:04:23 PM
Well So Orril i made some changes in my cd , he really only killed one mage and one has to think if he didnt deserved it ?

About the sword , she has no real power( In the sense that is not enchanted ) , so i made a small history in the "Item" section .

By the way i thank you for the interest and sugestions you made at my Cd , it really helped me a lot !!!

Edited by: Malavon Despana at: 3/30/06 8:08


Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on March 31, 2006, 09:24:23 AM
Wonderful edits Malavon Despana!:thumbup  I see nothing else that concerns me with this CD, I hope that you are titled soon. With some luck a CD moderator will be along shortly to give it one more going over, yet as I said, "Wonderfully done!"

•´¯¨˜°º°†he §pe££ ƒe££ Üpon the Çrowd £ike a Ðragon, ancien† and ƒu££ oƒ dea†h.°º°˜¨¯`•
.·´`·.The School of Fire Magic.·´`·.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Darien Gulath on March 31, 2006, 09:36:23 AM
Cool cd Malavon! I always love to read another assassin, you wouldn't be capable of beating my assassin, however my assassin then again is not a good fighter against mages so they would make an excellent team... Hehe if my assassin wasn't that evil...

Yours more or less has a tendency to be good-spirited.

Oh well, i read trough your cd and found no "bugs", it seems that the other cd-checkers allready pointed them out for you...

Oh yes, now that i think about it; there is one little thing you could clarify;...

How did you end up with the assassin's guild? You aren't an evil man, however if you want to become an assassin you will have to be able to put your morals aside and dare to kill when nessacary, i'm sure that the assassin clan would not only train you but also "test" you, by killing any innocent bystander. And even tough you could have avoided all of this, there would sure as hell be some psychopaths in your team of assassins which you don't like at all and get conflicts with.
Well ofcourse the above mentioned also depends; for who you worked and what kinds of targets they got assigned (and the sort of people of that guild, real killers or just some wannabe's?).

Point is also that assassin guilds are quite rare. A thieves guild might exist but a assassin guild? Then you would be diggin very deep in the depths of the underworld, to find such psychopaths.

Well so you could still mention:
-How he got caught up with the guild
-And his relation and some general information on that guild

You also get an invitation to join the story War-of-the-Fallen, just because i like your char.

Keep up the good work :smokin  

    Death:
A punishment to some, to some a gift, and to many a favor.  
    --Seneca



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Malavon Despana on March 31, 2006, 03:23:23 PM
Thx Darien , you honor me with your comments , but unfortunally i dont think that your and mine cd can work well together , since mine altought being an assassin has a hate for evil , and yours cd ( I have read it , a wonderfull cd !!) is one for sure, but hey who knows? If we can roleplay together , i would be honored!!:thumbup  

Edited by: Malavon Despana at: 3/31/06 7:24


Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Darien Gulath on March 31, 2006, 09:21:23 PM
Quote:
Cool cd Malavon! I always love to read another assassin, you wouldn't be capable of beating my assassin, however my assassin then again is not a good fighter against mages so they would make an excellent team... Hehe if my assassin wasn't that evil...


(quotes himself): Yes as i said, i am evil, in fact nobody can be Darién's friend or team up with him, my char is a solutide one. However he might have minions...

*grins evilly*

If you decide to join wotf we could go in any direction you want, if you have additional story to add for in the plot (like at some point you want to slaughter a bunch of magicians for real and earn the rightful title on wizard's bane) for in my story you stand up against whole hordes of enemies, and a big war is nearing the plot...

    Death:
A punishment to some, to some a gift, and to many a favor.  
    --Seneca



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 01, 2006, 03:07:23 AM
:worship  COOL, the only word to say. You did it very well, I wish you the best, and wish to see you roleplaying soon.

BTW, If I ever end my CD, and got to find you, be aware that I have a death in my past, check my CD if you wanna know about that :thumbup  

Then, the questions that Darien made are very good ones, but I think isn't that hard to find an assassine guild, just go to downtown at middnight and you see...:devilish .



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: Darien Gulath on April 01, 2006, 09:46:23 AM
maybe i'm just nitpicky :p  from my part the cd-mods can give you approval now (even without integrating more info on the assassins).

    Death:
A punishment to some, to some a gift, and to many a favor.  
    --Seneca



Title: Re: Malavon Despana
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 01, 2006, 01:29:23 PM
Quote:
Edgar -"Well sir , you see I am a travelling bard and your name is whispered in every town as the man who the wizards fear , the man that has killed more than a dozen mages , so I thought to get your history , it would make a magnificent ballad , of course I would pay for your time !"


Change that, maybe is my pc, but it still makes him to be in danger. :thumbup  



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Kareesh Valendar on April 06, 2006, 05:55:23 AM
So sad....*sniff sniff* Looks to me, but of course I didn't read it all that throughly.  

Shall I end this haunting nightmare for you?

Visit the world of Ardua



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Malavon Despana on April 07, 2006, 05:37:23 AM
Well , i do think its done , now i wait for the approval
( hopefully);)

I thank all the people that commented my cd , all of them, for they helped greatly.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Kareesh Valendar on April 07, 2006, 04:20:23 PM
I'll read it over and see if I can find anything. Have to do that tomorrow, because I should be in bed. Magic isn't really my strong point, so I know I won't be of much use there. Hopefully you'll get titled soon. ^^

Shall I end this haunting nightmare for you?

Visit the world of Ardua



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Marvin Cerambit on April 07, 2006, 07:20:23 PM
How did you parents meet? Having a Hecrani father and Sanhorrhim mother is rare.

Why is he called Malevolant? Considering malevolent is an existing word.

Quote:
and knowing that I was next, I ran into the town leaving the surprised wizard behind before he had the time to conjure another .

If he’s a powerful wizard (or fire mage in this case) then it will take only seconds to create a fireball.

Quote:
When my training was over , Rugal the assassins guild master, called me , saying that he wanted me to became his successor

Why did he want him to become his successor? Aren’t there more skilled/experience/‘elder’/… candidates?

Why did the guild (probably best to just call an underground organization as a ‘guild’ is normally a legal organization) banish him first and then send someone after him?

Quote:
So you see , the stories how i killed more than a dozen magi , isn't nothing more that tales or rumors, making my nickname of "Wizards Bane" a underrated one .

Where did the rumours come from?

Quote:
Zaroc as his creator calls it, this Short Sword, its Malevovant most prized possession.

As his owner calls it?

Also mage that are duelling are very rare. Nearly all mages are scholarly people and not fighters. With a very low number of mages wandering around (Ximax being an exception) it isn’t very likely two of them would combat each other.

Quote:
Using the immense wealth of Marcus, the two hired two of the best dwarven smiths to create it.

I would say two of the best smiths. Dwarves are rather secluded and only few of them ever wander above the ground.

Quote:
He dresses in black; using light armour so he can move more quickly in his "missions".

What kind of armour? I suppose leather.

Lastly, I don’t see how he could have made many enemies amongst the mages. If it’s all but rumours then he’ll probably won’t be more then a story.

Generally well done. All of above should be small changes. If you can, spell check and there shouldn’t be any spaces between a word and a comma or point if they follow the word.

Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

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Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Malavon Despana on April 09, 2006, 10:23:23 AM
Ok accordingly to Marvin sugestion i made some changes to my Cd , i do hope they are fine , of course i await for any comments on it .

The changes are in red.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: so orril miesefer on April 10, 2006, 12:58:23 PM
Hey, Good luck, I think you're ready for a title, just answer me a question:

Why the leader of the guild let you go? If I were an assassin leader, and trained someone during twenty years for be my sucesor, and he declines, surely I would kill him. *picks out a knife* So tell me a good reason for the Godfather don't kill you.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Marvin Cerambit on April 10, 2006, 08:28:23 PM
Quote:
How did you parents meet? Having a Hecrani father and Sanhorrhim mother is rare.

It's probably best to just call an underground organization as a ‘guild’ is normally a legal organization.

You didn't answer or change these two things. Not that you have to change everything we say, but if you choose not to it's nice to know why :)  

Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

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Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Malavon Despana on April 12, 2006, 02:46:23 AM
Aye Marvin thx for pointing that out , i knew i forgot something:) , i made the changes and they are red as before.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Marvin Cerambit on April 12, 2006, 02:42:23 AM
Quote:
Conclusion:

...

Malevolant -"You are from the guild? "

He nods yes with the head.

Malevolant -"The guild must be having bad times for letting someone like you in, well kid you may go.”

There are some guilds you missed. Since that's all I saw you've got yourself an approval *stamps a plus on the thread*

Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

Need help with your new Character?
~> Click Here <~

Edited by: Marvin Cerambit  at: 4/11/06 18:42


Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Malavon Despana on April 12, 2006, 04:40:23 AM
Thx Marvin , i will change the "guilds" i missed .
i now await for the second approval.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Twén Aråerwén on April 12, 2006, 07:29:23 AM
Well done Malavon! I have read over your CD again and see nothing wrong with what you have. I second Marv's motion for approval and now turn things over for an admin. to title you.:thumbup  

•´¯¨˜°º°†he §pe££ ƒe££ Üpon the Çrowd £ike a Ðragon, ancien† and ƒu££ oƒ dea†h.°º°˜¨¯`•
.·´`·.The School of Fire Magic.·´`·.



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Kalína Dalá'isyrás on April 12, 2006, 07:36:23 AM
And titled

Please post here to test your title then you may be on your merry way



Title: Re: Malavon Despana Finished and ready for approval
Post by: Malavon Despana on April 12, 2006, 08:14:23 AM
Aye i think it works .

My sincere thx to all people for all the patience that have in commenting my cd , i know it wasnt easy ( It was a bit long ):)