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Author Topic: Niccoli Faust, Sanhorrhim, Sea Guide Extraordinaire  (Read 762 times)
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Niccoli Faust
Pal'ran
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Posts: 497


Elf, Sanhorrhim


« on: August 15, 2006, 07:52:23 PM »

Name
Niccoli Faust

Gender
Male

Age
89

Race
Elf

Tribe
Sanhorrhim

Occupation
Sea Guide/ Thief

Hair Colour: Darkish Brown, slightly lightened by long hours in the sun.

Eye Colour: Bright green

Height: 2 peds (roughly)

Weight: 1.7 ods (roughly)

Title
Pal'ran

Physical Appearance
Niccoli is roughly 2 peds tall. He weighs roughly 1.7 ods. Niccoli has somewhat pale skin, though it has been tanned by long exposure to the sun. His hair is darkish brown, tied back in a ponytail, with a shell-adorned clasp. Niccoli tends towards the lean muscled look, being almost skin and bones with the muscles tending to be thicker on the legs than the arms. Niccoli has a bright blue tattoo of a shark stretching across his back starting at the left shoulder and moving down and ending near the right hip. He has some light scarring on the back of his hands and over the right eyebrow. Niccoli's eyes are a rather bright green colour, and tend to glimmer in bright light. The effect of aging is slowly causing the irises to lose their colour and it no longer looks like Niccoli has much of an iris. When it is dark, Niccoli's pupils expand to the point that even the less of the iris is visible, making it look like his iris is black instead of green.

Clothes
Niccoli wears the typical short skirt like garment of his tribe. This particular piece of clothing is a light blue colour. Niccoli rarely does wear a shirt, though he possesses one along with a heavier dark blue cloak.

Personality
Niccoli has little in the way of scruples; there truly is no honour among thieves when Niccoli is involved. While amoral, Niccoli is at least an honest businessman. He will rarely go back on his word, and he holds to this little bit of morality as best he can.

Strengths
Niccoli is something of a skilled thief, being that he is adept at removing items from their owners stealthily. He distinguishes himself from a robber or a typical thief in the fact that he does not steal anything he cannot carry easily without a bag of some sort, nor does he steal from buildings. Niccoli is not overtly skilled with his rapier and it is rarely to his advantage should he use it. Niccoli is more skilled with the arm blades however; the modifications to the handles sometimes leave the weapons wanting as well.

Weaknesses

Niccoli has little in the way of morals or scruples, and this is openly visible during conversation. Niccoli actually has to lug around his coracle while in towns and as such, cannot travel easily to towns that are not near rivers or other such bodies of water. Niccoli cannot resist a challenge, even he considers this to be his greatest failing and oftentimes can't even help himself from trying to best a particularly difficult lock or systematically destroy an argument.

History
Niccoli was born, not surprisingly, on a ship. His parents were both something of a different type of people. He was taught, not to make ships, as his father did, or fish as his mother did. He was apprenticed to a sea guide. He nearly drowned himself on the first try. Niccoli had a profound liking for water, even after this, and went about learning to swim soon after this first attempt.

Once he knew how to do more than keep his head above water, Niccoli attempted the apprenticeship again. He succeeded, though it took 26 years, and by the time he was finished he was a healthy 65. For the next dozen years Niccoli took to working for merchant ships, and cutting himself a small five-finger piece of the profit. He fashioned himself a coracle and set about running through the world, supplementing his income from aiding ships with his thievery.

Niccoli's most memorable exploit was robbing the captain of a ship blind and actually leaving him one of the items he had taken, hanging at the top of the mast by a piece of sail. By this point, Niccoli had deployed the small coracle he had lugged aboard and was out of the port already and headed towards the nearest river, paddling as fast as he could leaving the ship's cargo hold aflame. Niccoli has visited towns all along the coast of the Adainian Sea, Strata once or twice, and visits Voldar regularly.

Weapons
A Ceh-Fish Rapier, with a silver adorned hilt, with a single mist blue rubite. As well Niccoli carries a back up weapon, a single arm blade, with a swivel built into the handle for safer attachment or concealment.

Belongings
A whetstone for sharpening his rapier while bored.
Niccoli's most precious possession is the hide coracle that he carries. The coracle is collapsible, using 4 wooden limbs and a tarred piece of horsehide with loops and clasps attaching the ends.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2007, 12:47:36 AM by Vesk Lyricahl » Logged
Augustus the Wanderer
New Santharian

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Posts: 73


« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2006, 08:47:23 PM »

If you want mods and other people to know that your character is not finished being written, put up the posticonof a pencil. Thank you.

I wander alone. I work alone. I teach myself what I need to know. I am independent   -Augustus the Wanderer

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Simonne Miller
Meddling Herbalist
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Posts: 1223


Human, Caltharian


« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2006, 02:11:23 AM »

Hello, young one

I see that you put the exclamation mark up. Let me give you a little peace of advice from an old woman: expand.

For example: your strengths and weaknesses. You put in 3 strengths, one of which is 'incredibly skilled', but you only have 1 weakness, which doesn't balance out the other three. Also, the mods ask that you describe how things are a strength/weakness in two to three lines.

Personality and History are two sections that can also use expansion. They're two of the most important sections in your CD. Your personality describes how your character views the world, how he treats other people, how he will react in some situations.
Your history explains how his personality is what it is, plus how he acquired the skills that he has. Your strengths say incredible archery and fairly good fletcher. Allright, but then you have to explain how he got them. Who taught him, when did he learn it, how come he's so good at it?
You can also add some anecdotes about his life, and describe how he got his pet, and so on. Don't be afraid to go into detail, use your imagination. There are so many things that you could add that flesh out your character, make him more alive.

If you don't wish to take my advice, don't, but other people will give you the same advice. In any case, keep up the good work! Now, laddie, I'm off to my wanderings. Unless you need some healing herbs?

*grabs her walking stick and walks out of the room*

Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art...
Simonne Miller

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Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art...

Simonne Miller
Niccoli Faust
Pal'ran
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Posts: 497


Elf, Sanhorrhim


« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2006, 12:26:23 AM »

Please someone make with the comments!

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Naya More'ek
Wolf Friend
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Posts: 142


Human, Eyelian


« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2006, 02:29:23 AM »

Niccoli, giving out orders is not going to get people in here to comment.

Simonne gave quite some comments. Reading through what you have changed, I believe you only addressed one of the things she said (namely, the bird). Correct me if I'm wrong there.

Let me rephrase some of the things that Simonne said:

1) Your personality. You only have two lines. This is the most important section in your CD. Could you please put just a little effort into it, so that other people know what your character is like, how he will respond, etc.

2) Your History: this is the second most important section, after personality. My suggestion would be that you take a look at recently approved characters (in the forum 'Approved Characters II), and see how long their history is. I counted one character's history, there were 38 paragraphs. I'm not saying yours should be as long, but just a little longer, a little bit more detail, wouldn't hurt, would it?

I am very sorry if I seem blunt to you. Rereading this post, I believe I am, and I apologize for it. It's just that you seem to demand people to come in and comment, while you appear to almost neglect the comments that were already made. If I am wrong, again, correct me.

One more thing, could you please mark what you changed in a colour? That way it's easier to find, and the commenters don't have to reread the whole of the CD. Thank you very much. I wish you good luck with finishing this character. The potential is there, you just have to find what is in it and bring it out, flesh out the character. It'll be easier to remain consistent when you roleplay, I promise :)

With friendly regards,

Naya

Naya More'ek

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Niccoli Faust
Pal'ran
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Posts: 497


Elf, Sanhorrhim


« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2006, 03:37:41 AM »

Additions to the weaknesses section
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Niccoli Faust
Pal'ran
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Posts: 497


Elf, Sanhorrhim


« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2006, 11:22:41 PM »

Further additions and minor corrections.
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Niccoli Faust
Pal'ran
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Posts: 497


Elf, Sanhorrhim


« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2006, 04:30:18 AM »

Complete rewrite. I don't even have history. (don't worry, I'm working on it!
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Kalna Mrnwn
Bringer of Song and Dreams
Admin
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Posts: 8411


Elf, Mlad'rhm/ Injern


WWW
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2006, 09:11:08 PM »

Hey Niccoli,

Once you get your History up, I will give a complete read over and see what we can't do to get you your first approval!
Logged

Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Lady Kalina
Twn Arerwn
Melancholy Mage
CD Mod
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2346


Elf, Iferhm


« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2006, 06:08:53 AM »

Hello Niccoli and welcome to Santharia! My comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange
Name
Niccoli Faust

Gender
Male

Age
89

Race
Elf

Tribe
Sanhorphim  Sanhorrhim

Height:

Weight:

Hair Color:

Eye Color:


Occupation
Sea Guide/ Thief

Title
Pal'ran  (please correct this if my grammar is wrong.)

Physical Appearance
Niccoli is roughly 2 peds tall. He weighs roughly 1.7 ods. Niccoli  has somewhat pale skin, though it has been tanned by exposure to the sun. His hair is sun-bleached white, tied back in a ponytail, with a shell adorned clasp. Niccoli tends towards the lean muscled look, being almost skin and bones with the muscles tending to on the legs. <-This last sentence makes little sense, maybe rephrasing it would help. Niccoli has a bright blue tattoo of a shark stretching across his back starting at the left shoulder and moving down and ending near the right hip. What color are his eyes, does he have any scars, any other distinguishing features should be written about here. The more you have the easier it is for other players to see this character as you invision it.

Clothes
Niccoli wears the typical short skirtlike garment of his tribe. This particular piece of clothing is a light blue colour. Niccoli rarely does wear a shirt, though he possesses one along with a heavier dark blue cloak.

Personality
Niccoli has little in the way of scrupples, there truely is no honor among theives when Niccoli is envolved. While amoral, Niccoli is at least an honest businessman. He will rarely go back on his word, and he holds to this little bit of morality as best he can. Personality is the most important of all the sections. It lets story mods and other players understand what makes your character who he is. Details, details, details ..... a true must here.

Strengths and Weaknesses
Niccoli is something of a skilled theif. What are the skills that make him a thief? There are infinite ways to be a thief. Some elaboration of the skills he has that defines him as one would really help to weigh his S&W. He distinguishes himself from a robber or a typical theif in the fact that he does not steal anything he cannot carry easily without a bag of some sort, nor does he steal from buildings.

Niccoli has little in the way of morals or scrupples, and this is openly visible during conversation.

History
Niccoli was born, not supprisingly, on a ship. His parents were both something of a different type of people. He was taught, not to make ships, as his father did, or fish as his mother did. He was apprenticed to a sea guide. He nearly drowned himself on the first try. Niccoli had a profound liking for water and went about learning to swim soon after this first attempt. Once he knew how to do more than keep his head above water, Niccoli attempted the apprenticeship again. He suceeded, though it took 26 years, and by the time he was finished he was a healthy 65. For the next dozen years niccoli took to working for merchant ships, and cutting himself a small five finger piece of the profit. He fashioned himself a coracle and set about running through the world, supplimenting his  income from aiding ships with his theivery. Details of his exploits would go a long way in adding depth to this area. Also seperating various events into their own paragraphs would break up the "block" trend you have going in this area.

Weapons
A Ceh-Fish Rapier, with a silver adorned hilt, with a single mist blue rubite. As well Niccoli carries a back up weapon, a single arm blade, with a swivel built into the handle for safer attachment or concealment.

Belongings
Niccoli carries with him, a small silver charm with a serenity spell imbued into it. (level 6) Presently any type of magical items are on the banned/restricted list, hence possession of this item is not possible.
as well as a ______ (would a whetstone work here) for sharpening his rapier while bored.
Niccoli's most precious possession is the hide coracle that he carries. The corracle is collapsable, using 4 wooden limbs and a tarred piece of horse hide with loops and clasps attaching the ends. This would be a hefty item for someone to carry around with them.
I hope my comments aid you on your path to atitle. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask them here.
~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen
« Last Edit: November 30, 2006, 06:42:36 AM by Twen Araerwen » Logged

he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath
Niccoli Faust
Pal'ran
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Posts: 497


Elf, Sanhorrhim


« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2006, 11:10:48 PM »

Thank you twen  Pet Pet

You get a cookie when I can manage to figure out how one would make a decent cookie in ASCII
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Niccoli Faust
Pal'ran
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Posts: 497


Elf, Sanhorrhim


« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2006, 09:55:46 PM »

Done! Please comment if you have time! Pet
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Twn Arerwn
Melancholy Mage
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Posts: 2346


Elf, Iferhm


« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2006, 07:11:29 AM »

Hello again Niccoli! My sincerest apologies for the slow comments this weekend... it has been a busy one  Shocked.

List of things that need some attention
1) You have a rapier listed in his belongings. If he knows how to use this weapon with any proficiency, it needs to be listed as a strength.
2) You also have an arm-blade listed there in addition to the Rapier, if he knows how to use this, then it is also a strength. Average people have no weapon skills at all and hence these weapons are strengths, even if his skill is minuscule.
3) With these weapon skills added to his strengths, you are going to need some more powerful weaknesses.
4) You should also take note that your character is fairly young and would not be a master of these weapons, if he knows how to use them.
~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen
P.S: The heading of your CD should contain Name/Tribe/Occupation
« Last Edit: December 03, 2006, 07:46:46 AM by Twen Araerwen » Logged

he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath
Niccoli Faust
Pal'ran
Approved Character
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Posts: 497


Elf, Sanhorrhim


« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2006, 11:11:42 PM »

oh, then its changed since the move. Begining edits now!
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Twn Arerwn
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Posts: 2346


Elf, Iferhm


« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2006, 05:21:27 AM »

Hello Niccoli! Once again my comments shall be in the ever-ugly color: Orange
Name
Niccoli Faust

Gender
Male

Age
89

Race
Elf

Tribe
Sanhorrhim

Height:

Weight:

Hair Color:

Eye Color:


Occupation
Sea Guide/ Thief

Title
Pal'ran

Physical Appearance
Niccoli is roughly 2 peds tall. He weighs roughly 1.7 ods. Niccoli  has somewhat pale skin, though it has been tanned by exposure to the sun. His hair is sun-bleached white, tied back in a ponytail, with a shell adorned clasp. Niccoli tends towards the lean muscled look, being almost skin and bones with the muscles tending to be thicker on the legs than the arms. Niccoli has a bright blue tattoo of a shark stretching across his back starting at the left shoulder and moving down and ending near the right hip. He has some light scarring on the back of his hands and over the right eyebrow. Niccoli's eyes are a rather bright green colour, and tend to glimmer in bright light.

Clothes
Niccoli wears the typical short skirtlike garment of his tribe. This particular piece of clothing is a light blue colour. Niccoli rarely does wear a shirt, though he possesses one along with a heavier dark blue cloak.

Personality
Niccoli has little in the way of scrupples, there truely is no honor among theives when Niccoli is envolved. While amoral, Niccoli is at least an honest businessman. He will rarely go back on his word, and he holds to this little bit of morality as best he can. Personality is the most important of all the sections. It lets story mods and other players understand what makes your character who he is. Details, details, details ..... a true must here.

Strengths and Weaknesses
Niccoli is something of a skilled theif, being that he is adept at removing items from their owners stealthly.. He distinguishes himself from a robber or a typical theif in the fact that he does not steal anything he cannot carry easily without a bag of some sort, nor does he steal from buildings. Niccoli is not overtly skilled with his rapier and it is rarely to his advantage should he use it. Niccoli is more skilled with the arm blades however, the modifications to the handles sometimes leave the weapons wanting as well.

Weaknesses
Niccoli has little in the way of morals or scrupples, and this is openly visible during conversation. Niccoli actually has to lug around his coracle while in towns and as such, cannot travel easily to towns that are not near rivers or other such bodies of water. You are going to need some more potent weaknesses to offset your strengths. IMHO

History
Niccoli was born, not supprisingly, on a ship. His parents were both something of a different type of people. He was taught, not to make ships, as his father did, or fish as his mother did. He was apprenticed to a sea guide. He nearly drowned himself on the first try. Niccoli had a profound liking for water and went about learning to swim soon after this first attempt.
Space New paragraph
Once he knew how to do more than keep his head above water, Niccoli attempted the apprenticeship again. He suceeded, though it took 26 years, and by the time he was finished he was a healthy 65. For the next dozen years niccoli took to working for merchant ships, and cutting himself a small five finger piece of the profit. He fashioned himself a coracle and set about running through the world, supplimenting his  income from aiding ships with his theivery.
Space New paragraph
Niccoli's most memorable exploit was robbing the captain of a ship blind and actually leaving him one of the items he had taken, hanging at the top of the mast by a piece of sail. By this point, Niccoli had deployed the small corracle he had lugged aboard and was out of the port already and headed towards the nearest river, paddling as fast as he could leaving the ship's cargo hold aflame.
A bit more history would help explain where a man of near nine decades has visited in his life.
Weapons
A Ceh-Fish Rapier, with a silver adorned hilt, with a single mist blue rubite. As well Niccoli carries a back up weapon, a single arm blade, with a swivel built into the handle for safer attachment or concealment.

Belongings
A ______ (would a whetstone work here) Yes this would work. for sharpening his rapier while bored.
Niccoli's most precious possession is the hide coracle that he carries. The corracle is collapsable, using 4 wooden limbs and a tarred piece of horse hide with loops and clasps attaching the ends.
There are multiple grammatical errors throughout the entire CD. A spellcheck and a complete read over would do wonders for your CD. Your getting close now ;)
~Sincerely~
Co f cr'tuuln:Twen Araerwen
« Last Edit: December 05, 2006, 05:23:29 AM by Twen Araerwen » Logged

he pe e pon the rowd ike a ragon, ncient and u o eath
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