Ask Necro

[NecroMage]

  Greetings Puny Mortals!

I need to get back to writing my CD.

Mall 1: There's no such thing as another Dark Lord.

Mall 2: I do have $50. I have a lot more than $50. And I buy nice things.

Mall 3: Neither.

Mall 4: I'm afraid of Americans.

I'm afraid of the world!

I'm afraid I can't help it!

I'm afraid I can't...

I'm afraid of Americans!

Johnny's an American...

Mall 5: Correct, yes. Accurate, no. But correct? Yes.

Santhos 1: You ask too many loaded questions and should stop being so presumptuous.

Santhos 2: I've never denied that truth. It's a point of pride for me.

Santhos 3: I'm sitting.

Santhos 4: No, I think in proper English. N00b.

Silm: Insecurity with his own impotence I imagine.

Ance: That's where babies come from.

Isoto: I've had downtime between updates to this thread longer than your existence here. Do not trifle with me.

Val 1: I don't know, I've never seen you make any kind of a person before.

Val 2: No, as I said before, I only think in English.

Val 3: I'd prefer it to prancing while naked.

Isoto: Because I hate you. I hope you're happy now.

Mall 1: It's more efficient than summoning and I don't like to risk myself in combat.

Mall 2: Hahahaha. "If" I could have.

Could have, didn't, now I have trouble standing outside in the daylight.

Who knew spending years wreathed in darkness and foul magic could have negative side effects as dire as light sensitivity?

...

You shut your filthy zombie mouth right now you clone bastard.

Yes sir.

That's right you "yes sir" me. Now listen up bitches. I'm sick of dealing with these boring grocery lists of questions. From now on, everybody who asks me a question only gets one between each of my posts. This isn't a ridiculously strict policy, and if you feel your question needs a follow up question, or you think of a second question you just have to have answered then you can go ahead and ask it as well. But I'm tired of trying to get through thirty boring questions just to answer the two that I can make funny answers for. It leads to me writing a lot of nothing rather than a little bit of incredible. In return, I'll be more diligent in my replies to your questions.

And if I win Best OOC Thread at next year's Santharian Awards, I will post tits.

[Galein]

I was the one to nominate it!

And my question:
How long has your CD been in the works?

[Isoto]

Why do you touch yourself tonight?

[Yarg Anklebiter]

How can Isoto's question be, at once, grossly inappropriate and hilariously grammatically incorrect, and yet still not funny?

[Isoto]

(Because you don't understand the context of the question. At one point Necro answered one of my questions with that very answer. I thought it was hilarious and that's why I brought it back up. That's between Necro and myself, and not meant to humor you. Necro I still expect a good answer for my question  )

[Grunok the Exile]

...

Wow, that is a post which lacks questions.  I will have to check for the answer to that one ^.^

If you could be asked any question, what would it be, and what would the answer be?

[Elspeth]

Is fear a personality trait you have forgotten, or merely a tool you use?

Do bad things come to those that wait, too?

Who would win in a physical confrontation between the Hulk and Juggernaut?

Should I remain silent, instead of asking so many meaningless questions?

[Thorin Broadfist]

My first (and perhaps last) question for you Necro is this...
What would the Watchmen movie have been like had they stuck entirely to the original graphic novel??

[Capher]

Necro, what makes you think you can answer all of these questions? Do you infinite intelligence? Or are these just your opinons?

If you are afraid of Americans, then why do you Rp with them?

[Simonne Miller]

Did a couple of posts disappear in here? Where did they go?

[NecroMage]

Last time on Ask Necro...
 
Maximillion Pegasus: How foolish, Necro-boy. Did you really think your necromancy could defeat my toon monsters?
 
NecroMage: I'll do whatever it takes to take your millenium item, Pegasus. Even if it means losing my soul!
 
Maximillion Pegasus: You surely don't mean to play *that* card!
 
NecroMage: I play the Seal of Oricalcos!
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
...
 
Nappa: Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his power level?
 
...
 
Vegeta: It's over NINE-THOUSAND!
 
Nappa: WHAT, NINE-THOUSAND?! That can't be right!
 
I think it's right.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
NecroMage: My god... the mitochondria are mutating at an unprecedented rate. Pikel, look at this.
 
Pikel Thunderstone: I can't Necro, a-durr-hurr-hurr. I'm too busy being a big stupid-headed doo-doo brain who eats dirt.
 
NecroMage: Oh Pikel!
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
He fell twelve stories to the street  last night. Wasn't much left of him. Maybe it was suicide?
 
Rorschach: Maybe somebody's killing off costumed heroes.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
NecroMage: From now on, everybody who asks me a question only gets one between each of my posts.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Oh my god! Brian's gone to Hollywood to find himself!
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
And now, Ask Necro...
 
  Greetings Puny Mortals!
 
...
 
Must... resist urge... to slaughter... everything...
 
 
Necro, please. It's a new rule.
 
Fine Douglas. Your soft hearted nature has once again stayed my iron fist. But I will be enforcing the one question only rule next time, folks. It's not a difficult concept to grasp.
 
Gale: Four years as of May 2009. I plan on having it done sometime before Duke Nukem Forever. Fun Fact: The official soundtrack for the CD is Chinese Democracy by Guns and Roses.
 
Isoto: The same reason I touch myself any other night. I'm thinking of you being tied down and [ Censorship Bunnies, Hooray! ] with a chainsaw. To death.

Yarg: It was posted here. Nothing in this thread is ever funny. Duh.

Isoto: Glory glory hallelujah, you are about to know nothing but pain and the want of death's sweet merciful embrace Isoto. Attempt to prepare yourself, it's more fun that way.

An aura of bright purple light engulfs Necro as he assumes his fighting stance. Kicking forward off of the ground he delivers a flying cross chop to Isoto's neck and flies past him, grabbing him by the head as he does so. He skids to a stop, pulling Isoto's head backwards and using the momentum of his charge to spin and toss him into the air. He then kicks off the ground in a burst of purple fire and delivers a crushing double axe handle into Isoto's stomach, smashing him downward toward the floor. He then teleports to the ground below Isoto and swings his right arm forward, a silver blade of steel arcing forward and piercing Isoto's back, flying out through his front before dissipating into purple mist. Isoto's limp form flops forward at Necro's feet, a wide gash down its center. Necro raises his left hand, palm facing Isoto, and narrows his eyes as he unleashes an invisible wave of heat, liquefying Isoto's skin. His aura fades as he relaxes, smirking at the mutilated figure on the ground before him. He snaps his fingers and heads back to where he'd been standing as a giant skeletal arm dripping with black gore erupts from the ground with a hellish shriek, snares Isoto's leg and rips him into the earth leaving only a pool of blood, a patch of disturbed earth and a ghastly silence behind.

It's called Ask Necro for a reason. Remember that.

Grun 1: I already can be asked any question.

Grun 2: http://tinyurl.com/AskNecro

Elspeth 1: Fear is an emotion. It is not something one forgets. The structure of your poorly worded question therefore answers itself with the presumption that fear is a tool I use.

Luckily for you it is correct.

Elspeth 2: Yep.

Elspeth3: ...

Everybody.

Elspeth 4: Yes. Because you're a woman.

Thorin: It would've been like eight hours long, holy crap. Seriously.

Capher 1: Baseless arrogance.

Capher 2: I infinite everything.

Capher 3: I don't like how you say "just" my opinions, as though they weren't more important than reality itself.

Capher 4: There's a reason my CD has been in the works for 4 years.

Sim 1: I'm not sure. I know I've lost my entire other AN column somewhere on the boards, and about 6 months worth of posts in that thread to a site hack.

Sim 2: They went to a better place.

The hellish dregscape of Grixis?

...

No.

Oh, the fiery pit of Janaak?

...Noooo.

Oh! The non-existence of total oblivion.

There ya go.

God I hate it here.

Ingrate.

[Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin]

Necro:

When I first found this thread, I spent an entire day reading it from the beginning, thinking that some of this was the funniest stuff I had read onsite.  Over the last two years, however, I have seen an unfortunate shift from the sarcasticially witty, to just an excuse for you to throw insults at people, often with more vile than wit.

My question:  What has happened to that adorable little megalomaniac that we all came to know and love all those years ago?

[Nox Echiiscuan]

Where has all the time gone?

[NecroMage]

  Greetings Puny Mortals!

NecroMage peeks his head in the door to his lair and looks around. Cautiously he takes a step into the doorway and twirls suddenly, looking around as if expecting someone to jump out at him. Finding no one he stands up straight, fixes his dark grey robe, walks to his writing desk, and sits in his skeletal throne with a sigh of relief.

Thank Dogo. Manageable questions. And me with time to kill. Coinciding once again.

Sitting up straight he stretches and cracks his knuckles over his head.

Time to, at last, give the people what they deserve. More cowbell.

Alt: Yo' Momma. Hahahaha!

Oh, but seriously. I could name any number of answers here. Puberty, family troubles, romantic issues, sloth, and you'd accept any one of them. But the truth is that-

*CRASH*

Necro looks up from his desk with a start as the skylight window of his lair is shattered, a humanoid form falling through the air and landing before him. The figure wears a silver pointed hat adorned by a metal skull on the front, and a dark blue jacket trimmed with silver. Beneath this he wears a dark grey shirt. His pants are decorated with vertical stripes of dark blue and silver, and grey gloves cover his hands. His face is cloaked in darkness, save two glowing silver eyes.

The figure looks up at the pale wizard adorned with drab grey robes, reeking of decay, and lets out a small chuckle as he catches the minuscule signs of terror his presence has caused within him. He stands and places a hand on the brim of his hat.

"What's the matter? Not happy to see me?"

Necro fidgets and snarls.

"You're supposed to be DEAD."

The figure smirks with its eyes, his fingertips walking along the underside of the brim.

"And you're supposed to be in your closet, shackled and harmless. Not impersonating me in my own thread, Necor."

The figure throws his hat into the air, dispelling the magical shadow around his face and revealing a wickedly smirking NecroMage underneath. At the same time the drably clad NecroMage's skin begins to crack and peel, deep red wounds opening all over his face and hands as his flesh starts to rapidly wither and decay until his form is that of a skeleton covered in dry, dead flesh, with sharpened teeth and two piercing silver eyes.

"Fool! You're too late! I've already left this thread a shadow of its former glory, a hellscape of bland, hateful, one-word answers and-GACK"

Necor cries out in surprise as NecroMage raises a hand and freezes his mouth shut. Necro then kicks off the ground and flies forward, flinging fireballs rapidly into the torso of the Lich before reaching him, grabbing his face, and unleashing a hellish lightning spell point-blank into his face. Necor screams and writhes in agony as his undead form is assaulted with the onslaught of magical attacks, and he collapses to the ground in a heap.

NecroMage returns his feet to the ground, straightens his jacket, and snaps his fingers. Large brambled vines erupt from the floor and ensnare Necor's limbs then pull back sharply, ripping him apart. The vines retreat into the earth once more, dragging Necor's limbs with them as Necro wipes the dust from his coat and pants. He then walks over to retrieve his hat, place it upon his head and dust it off as well. He then notices that Ask Necro is still happening and clears his throat. He turns to face the readers, his visage less pale and much less cranky looking than it has been in the past few years.

Seven.

Nox: Yo' Momma. Hahahaha!

[Pikel Thunderstone]

Cold hearted orb that rules the night,
Removes the colours from our sight.
Red is gray and yellow white.
But we decide which is right.
And which is an illusion?

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