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Author Topic: Ered Edhel, Meladrhim Elf, Ranger  (Read 20411 times)
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Gararion
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Elf, Ylfferhim


« Reply #30 on: January 13, 2007, 11:36:34 AM »

okay.  I can understand the parent thing and that may be understandable to leave out. 

As for the tattoo thing, I understand that it is a racial thing.  I just got the impression from the entry that it was more of a straight line then circles.  Though I could be wrong.  Though I don't think it really matters to this detail.
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Ered edhel
Drifting Ranger
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #31 on: January 14, 2007, 01:25:34 AM »

I will read up on that part more carefully and see if it needs changing.  If it does I will make the changes.  Also, I would like an CD mod or Admin to look at this CD and see what they think.
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Ered edhel
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #32 on: January 14, 2007, 01:35:37 AM »

Yhis is what is stated in the entry about the tattoos.  This is why I picked sirsles because I didn't know how to explaain it.

"....often adorned with an interlocking series of lines that usually form a circular pattern"
"....The lines dart over and under each other in a complexity with no ends signifying the continuity of life and the rite of renewal."
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Kain Cristar
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Elf, Co'orhem Kayrrhem


« Reply #33 on: January 14, 2007, 10:23:25 AM »

Changes in Black

Kain's words are in blue

Name
Ered Edhel

Gender
Male

Age
120

Height
1 Ped, 2 Fores, 3 Nailsbreadths, 2 Grains to the grain is a bit much.

Weight
1 Pygge, 4 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 2 Ods, 9 Mut no need to go past the hafeb

Eye Color
Gray

Hair Color
White

Race
Elf

Tribe
Meladrhim (Grey) Tribe

Occupation
Ranger

Title
Drifting Ranger

Physical Appearance
  He has pure white hair which he wears loose & straight just below his shoulders. His eyes are of the softest color gray. He has tattoos of very detailed and interlocking circles on his upper arms. I would suggest simply quoting the entry.

Clothes
   He wears a leather cape when it is cold out but more often then not he goes without it.  He also wears a light weight vest made of the hide of the nul'tum which he obtain from hunting in the Kuglimz lands. He also wears trousers fashioned from the nul'tum as well. Since he hunts for what he eats he wears protectors for the major joints; the elbows, wrists, knees and ankles to prevent jarring and strains. He wears hide boots that are souled soled with wood.

Personality
   Hard for him to trust but once you have his trust he will die before that trust ends unless you cross him or his few select friends! This is both a run on and a fragment. In his eyes there is neither good nor bad just perspective.  He tends to keep to himself, and cares little for the affairs of most other people; save instances he might find interesting. what kinds of things are those He is often viewed as an unforgiving elf, with a bad temper (when someone manages to arouse it).  Since he was banished from his tribe for not caring for the tribe, he can be a very steadfast companion, and will always pull his own weight in a group of trusted allies. I dont see what this has to do with him being banished.           

Strengths and Weaknesses

a) Strengths
  1)He can track animals, beasts or beings if it passed a place up to a month previously.
  2)He can walk in stealth in the forest and never make a sound.
  How does he kill said animal?
b) Weaknesses
  1)He often finds himself in life or death situations because of his tongue
  2)When he gets angry he doesn't think anything through so he makes crucial mistakes

I would like to see a good weakness here. Almost everybody makes mistakes when they are angry and can get themselves in trouble with glib speech. What weakness breaks you out of the pack

History
  Growing up in Northern Sarvonia born to the Meladr'him, he has never had much contact with other races and little contact with other elves.  Because of his tribes nomadic life style he has never been in one location more than 3 months at a time and that is only in the winter months.  Ever since he can remember he has been a little bit of and odd ball compared to his fellow tribesmen.  While the others did what needed to be done to help the tribe, Ered was usually caught day dreaming about the world outside his own.  On his 100th celebration of his birth he thought that he would see for him self what is out there.  He tried to sneak on board a boat that belonged to the Arthyron elves.  Since he got caught trespassing and since he neglected his duties to the tribes survival during the winter months ache? was punished harshly.  He was told that since he did not care for the tribe and since he wanted to see the outside world then from this point on he was banished from the tribe never to return.
  He left his only known family back in Hovel Frond in Northern Savonian as the boat left for Southern Savonian.  While on the waters to Southern Savonia a mighty storms hits and causes tense. strom, hit, and caused the boat to sink and he washed up on the shore of the Heath of Salazar.  Lying unconscious he was found by a Sanhorrhim Elf boat which is heading home to the Vontron Forest. The tense issue here is obviously long standing, I won't comment on it any further and will simply assume that you will comb through your CD and fix all the errors. As Ered wakes he finds himself in a strange new place but he is welcomed but only by the elves that picked him up after his boat sank.  Since he told that he was banished from his tribe the other elves don't like the idea that he was brought to their village.  They believe that since he was banished from his tribe that he has lost favor with the Gods and wants nothing to do with him.  Since the elves don't like him there and he doesn't want to give them any more reason to dislike him he heads off to find where he belongs in this new land.  He heads south and comes to the city of Horth.  He stays here for 20 years living a normal life till he gets tired of staying in one place so he heads off again to wander the laand. Your writting quality is spiraling down the poopper.
  Before he leaves he asks the people of the city which people? And was he living as a begger or something, how was he sustaining himself. to point him to a place where he can find work and they tell him to just go and let the Gods decide where he needs to be. So he leaves Horth just like he did Vorton Forest.  As he travels the land looking for a place he can call home even just for a short while he comes to another eerie looking forest.  As he is about to enter these woods he is stopped by passing humans.  The humans ask him what does he think he is doing going into that place.  Since he just arrived he doesn't know what they are talking about.  They go on to explain the legend of the Shivering Woods and tells him that it would be wise not to enter. Figuring that they know more about this place than he does he heads further south till he comes to this river.  He makes camps here for a while.

  After a month passes he goes on the move again.  This time he decides just to go from place to place to see for himself what this new land is like instead of listening to others like he has done in the past. 

Weapons
  1) basic spear
  2) Dagger

Belongings
  The clothes on his back, as well as a little back pack with and extra set of clothes, a money purse, a water flask, and a few berries for food.

I think your histories writting quality could do with a bit of improvement. Also any skill with your weapons has to be listed as as strength. You should have a good weakness. Aside from that there isn't much to comment on. Things don't seem to fit and are kind of glazed over in this history, his communications and life seems to be misty and left out. You give more detail into where he has walked than who he is. Thats not really a problem, I guess, it just makes for a poor read.
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You have lived a life of cruelty and atrocity, you have bathed in the blood of the innocent, you have considered every act of depravity and your corruption knows no bounds. I am the angel of justice, I am the accumulation of all of your sins. Prepare for your redemption.

-Kain Cristar, Divine Aspect
Ered edhel
Drifting Ranger
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #34 on: January 14, 2007, 02:13:45 PM »

as far as writting quality goes it will suck.  I was never good it english in school.  This is the best I have as far as writting quality.  The reason the history is the way it is, is because  I am not that good at the creating process either.  The last CD I got approved took me 3-4 months to finish and it barely made the cut. 
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Ered edhel
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #35 on: January 18, 2007, 09:14:16 PM »

I have changed some of the things you have asked me but as far as the tense used through-out the history I don't see what you are talking about. It reads fine to me.  Also, I thought that the Personality entry was where I was to put what kind of person Ered is not in the History section.  In the History section I thought I was to put what has happened in his life and where he had been, but if I am mistaken I will try to fix it bujt there are no promises on if you would like the fix any better.
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Kain Cristar
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Elf, Co'orhem Kayrrhem


« Reply #36 on: January 21, 2007, 08:09:56 AM »

You suddenly jump into a very broken present tence when you start talking about the storm.

The history should explain why you are the man you are today, through the things that have happened to you in your life.

One can always push their writting further, it simply takes hard work.
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You have lived a life of cruelty and atrocity, you have bathed in the blood of the innocent, you have considered every act of depravity and your corruption knows no bounds. I am the angel of justice, I am the accumulation of all of your sins. Prepare for your redemption.

-Kain Cristar, Divine Aspect
Ered edhel
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #37 on: January 21, 2007, 01:20:09 PM »

I understand about the working harder part but I can't come up with new ideas.  I am not that creative of a person.  That has always been my problem with creating a character.
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Ered edhel
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #38 on: January 21, 2007, 01:35:15 PM »

I made the changes to the tense and added some history but am still having trouble with it.  If anybody can give me a few ideas to spark something within me I would be appreciative.
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Kain Cristar
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Elf, Co'orhem Kayrrhem


« Reply #39 on: January 21, 2007, 01:47:49 PM »

I ask you to push yourself because I can see that you are not as bad as you try to make yourself sound. The first half of your Cd is fairly well written. If you read my CD's, you will see that I am no great writer myself.

As for idea's, those I am chaulk full of, and will give you some on the morrow.
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You have lived a life of cruelty and atrocity, you have bathed in the blood of the innocent, you have considered every act of depravity and your corruption knows no bounds. I am the angel of justice, I am the accumulation of all of your sins. Prepare for your redemption.

-Kain Cristar, Divine Aspect
Ered edhel
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #40 on: January 22, 2007, 03:58:47 AM »

Thank you for your help.  Any ideas that will fit in with what I have i will use.
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Ered edhel
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #41 on: January 24, 2007, 11:22:25 AM »

check check check check  please
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Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #42 on: January 25, 2007, 05:11:17 AM »

  Ered, obviously you do have a good imagination, because the foundation you have now is quite good! Nod  I suspect you may be limiting yourself, thinking you have to apologize for grammatical mistakes.  Don't sweat the little stuff; we're here to help with that.  If you wouldn't mind, I have a few suggestions, colored green.

First, your Clothing, Physical Appearance, and Personality sections are solid as they are.  You may later choose to add to them as your History expands, but they are good already.

Quote
Strengths and Weaknesses

a) Strengths
  1) He can track an animal, beast or being if it passed a place up to a month previously.
  2) He can walk in stealth in the forest and never make a sound.
  3) He is decent in the use of the spear and dual wielding daggers.

b) Weaknesses
  1)He often finds himself in life or death situations because of his tongue
  2)When he gets angry he doesn't think anything through so he makes crucial mistakes
  3)He suffers from a mild case of the Strangling disease
Tracking proficiency is good, just specify whether in the wilderness (I presume this is his forte) or in some other setting--urban, coastal areas, underground tunnels, whatever.  Describe how he acquired this talent in his History.

Beef up your History regarding how he learned proficiency with the spear (a pretty natural weapon for hunting in the wilderness) and dual dagger melee (this one probably merits more explanation).  Did he have a mentor who trained him?  Rangers are naturally talented in two-weapon fighting, I believe, but it wouldn't hurt to incorporate that education into his History.

Weaknesses are great story points to enrich your character development, i.e.:
"On encountering the band of Kuglimz whose land he was hunting on, he shot out a quick remark, 'Hey, anybody want to help skin this nul'tum?'"
Something along those lines, or whatever would be more suitable.

By the way, what's the "Strangling Disease"?  Explain that in your History, please.

Forgive me, I have to run for now.  You have the creativity, just daydream about Edel and see what sparks fly!  Good luck!  :D
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Ered edhel
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #43 on: January 25, 2007, 06:43:16 AM »

I will add some of the ideas into my CD.  Thank you for the help
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Ered edhel
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Elf, Meladrhim


« Reply #44 on: January 28, 2007, 01:49:11 PM »

more ideas please
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