* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Calendar Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Embed Maximize


Newbies, read these!

Character Creation
FAQs
Restrictions

Main Site
Portraits
Rules
Story Creation
Racial Crossbreeding
Magic

Contact
Tips and Tricks
IRC Chat
Measures Converter
Elven Aging Calculator

- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
Pages: [1]   Go Down
Print
Author Topic: Amaria / Erpheronian / Traveling Peddler  (Read 3066 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Amaria
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 23


Human, Erpheronian


« on: January 04, 2007, 07:42:00 AM »

Name: Amaria
Gender: Female
Race: Human
Age: 26
Tribe: Erpheronian
Occupation: Merchant
Title: Traveling Peddler

Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Reddish Brown
Height: 1 ped and 2 fores
Weight: about a pygge and 3 hebs

Detailed Description:

Overview:
     A peddler who would be a merchant (again). Amaria is intelligent and stubborn; she plans to achieve her goal even if it kills her.

Physical Appearance:  
     Sharp green eyes always calculating and never showing emotion are set in a lean face framed by reddish brown hair. Amaria's face which was once pale has now been darkened to a light tan from being sun burnt so many times over the years. The area framing Amaria’s eyes is creased from when Amaria squints her eyes against the bright sun while traveling. Adding to the severity of the green eyed woman is a leanness bespeaking harsh winters and skipped meals.

     Regardless of the difficulties in Amaria’s life she still holds herself upright, standing the full 1 ped and 2 fores, and her small mouth frequently quirks up on one side as though to laugh at fate itself. While she is lean it is not just from missed meals but also from work. Her muscular frame is covered by clothing most of the year. During the winter she is covered by layers of clothing (all shades of brown) and topped with a brown cloak. The summer’s heat leads to her dressing more like the Centoraurians, brown sleeveless dress, with the brown cloak to cover the fact that she is female.

     Amaria’s hairstyle also varies by season; the auburn hair is never left open falling in waves to her lower back instead it is always plaited. In the warmer months it is coiled into a simple bun but during the winter the plaited cord is left dangling behind her, frequently tucked into the back of her clothes.

Clothes:
     Summer - Brown ankle length dress with no sleeves and a square cut top. On her feet are simple leather boots. Covering the dress is a simple cloak also colored brown. Amaria wears no jewelry. Attached by a leather belt is her short sword.

     Winter - To shield from cold Amaria wears layers of clothes, some are just cloak style all are brown. Any colored clothing is saved to be sold as is any clothing that is thick and warm. Over the many layers is the same cloak that Amaria wears in Summer. She also wears the same boots.

Personality:  
     Amaria has lost much and the hopes of her future have been drastically lowered. The peddler has come to believe she has herself and her pride but nothing else. As such, insulting her pride will cause anger and any ‘favor’ being done for or by her will be over. If there is anyway she can hurt the person back for the injury to her esteem, Amaria has little to no restraint. Also, she will never ask for help and has little trust for anyone unless she can see their motivations.

     Relationships are a difficult thing for Amaria. She lost those she grew up trusting (her father, friend Istor). That combined with her constant traveling and lack of trust, new friends are nonexistent. Added to that she frequently makes the impression that she was married and widowed, rather than allowing for the truth that she is still a maiden.

     One of her stranger fears is manning a small trading exhibition of just 5 or so members. As a nonfighter Amaria feels vulnerable unless she has enough money to not only buy the greedy but to buy loyalty as well. She dreams of eventually being the merchant her father was (and then surpassing him of course) and leading journeys of 30 or more men to the edges of the continent.

     When it comes to over indulgence in alcohol Amaria is, generally speaking, known to drink just enough to be sociable still keeping her wits about her. Much of her behavior is intended to convince others that she is human, trustworthy, and a good person to buy products from. She is a saleswoman at heart and will paint a picture of herself to suit the buyer's whims.

     While working (which is whenever anyone with a purse or goods is around), Amaria has a pleasant disposition as she attempts to peddle her wares or invest in new products. If the other person is obviously wealthy then Amaria will not hold back, scheming to lighten their pocket as much as possible. With those of less affluent social positions Amaria can’t seem to do the same. Probably because she remembers wealthy people as those who just don’t want to spend so much (therefore needing a bit of persuasion) and has learned that poorer peasants can’t afford to spend so much.

Strengths and Weaknesses:

a) Strengths –

     The green eyed peddler has a limited knowledge of how to fight with a sword. She can hold her Centoraurian short sword properly and even correctly thrust with it. Other than that she has no knowledge of fighting someone beyond that of a true amateur with no natural ability. The only thing she knows less about is fighting with the dagger in her pocket, she uses it only as last minute protection but hasn't the foggiest idea as to how to use it, except of course pointy end forward.

     For protection Amaria has a two year old mithral wolf named Silver. The wolf is not so much for personal protection as for protecting her cart and valuables. The main reason for this is that Silver is immature and like most young animals prone to making mistakes. Amaria protects the wolf by keeping him from as many people as possible.

     Amaria has a good mind, knowledge of how to read and write, as well as the ability to speak various dialects. She is good at selling people and lying with a straight face. While she finds it easy to read certain people, she allows herself to be misled by those who seem to be misfortunate. Amaria has also gained a limited knowledge on plants (she can find the more obviously edible ones in the wild and knows the difference between good and bad vegetables when trading).

     As she has been traveling awhile, Amaria has made a few contacts (though all are peasants and none are well off) and has set a pattern in her travels which allows her to make the most of her time and investments. She is also good at listening to people and seeing ways to assist them with specific goods. Amaria has also collected many goods that she's seen a lot of need for over the years. As such she has managed to accumulate some wealth.

Weaknesses –      
     Amaria has two major weaknesses, as a traveling peddler she crosses much danger but has little protection. Besides luck and a short sword (which she knows how to hold and how to not kill herself on) she must rely on a Mithral wolf that is two years old.

     More than anything Amaria’s biggest downfall is her pride. A gift from her father (like her first canine), Amaria refuses overt assistance and to see that she may need help. She curses her father, Gahlid, at times for his pride, she feels it 'ruined’ everything. Further she is convinced that had Gahlid allowed Amaria to assist him, she could have proved herself and saved her father. The other problem with her pride is that it keeps her from learning a useful profession which would allow her to produce instead of wearily traveling; looking for a trade worth enough to fix her life back to how it was.

     Another minor weakness is Amaria’s propensity to burn dinner, but she’s used to the burnt flavor and eats out at inns whenever possible. She also loses profits by, on occasion, being soft hearted towards poor people in rural areas. She knows that if they need her products they won’t get them anywhere else, but instead of making a profit... she will give them a fair to too good to be true deal (cutting out profit and maybe even taking a loss).

History: 
     A little girl was born as sundrown began on the tenth day of Fallen Leaf and gifted with the name Melania Senedor. She was born into a family that was once prosperous merchants but had dwindled to her father, Gahlid, and mother, Tavari. This small family almost grew smaller that eve, as her mother was too weak to give birth easily. The gods must have chosen to gift Melania with memories of her mother, for the frail woman lived for a few more years.

     From birth till the age of seven, when Tavari died attempting to give birth to her second child, Melanie saw her father just weeks a year. Instead the fiery haired child was coddled by her mother and the old woman, Farnath, who was hired to assist Tavari in any household chores.  During the seven years the girl learned to tend a house and that she had none of her mother’s frail grace. She was robust and carried herself with an arrogance that matched Gahlid’s own.

     The week of Tavari’s death, Gahlid was home, anxiously awaiting the birth of his son and heir, anxious to get back on the road that is. While in town he was often out from starrise till shadowleave and slept till sunreign, leaving the care of his wife to Melanie and Farnath. Melanie was most excited about the time from when her father awoke till Gahild left for the evening. During that time he would tell her about the dwarfs, elves, and other human races he had traded with and all the strange sights he had seen. During the tales green eyes peered into green and Melanie lapped up the attention her father was finally paying her. It was poor Farnath that had to listen to the recitations each morning before Sunreigh, for Tavari was bedridden.

     Gahlid lost his wife and heir the same hour, the second hour of Fastday. As he returned home for the eve, he arrived to hear such a racket, Farnath was calling out orders to Melanie and Tavari, his dear Tavari, was crying out in pain. For a quarter hour he could do naught but wait, the long awaited for day had arrived. It was not to be though, and the family soon became a man and his daughter.

     Melanie was without a place now, for Gahlid was a decent father and would not leave his child with just anyone (not even Farnath for he never liked her much). He was faced with just two options. The man refused to stay home and send others to journey for him and so Melanie would be coming with her father.

     So they left Nyermersys, where Tavari and Melanie lived. The pair only returned during the coldest weeks. Gahlid would then contact acquaintances and get special orders from any clients willing to pay upfront. It was said Gahlid could get just about anything and if he couldn’t, no one could (at least that what Gahlid said).

     Seven year olds are curious children and Melanie, her father frequently bragged and lamented, topped all the others. The only way to still the child's mouth was to explain to exhaustion every detail of anything she wanted to know. So to keep her out the way the green-eyed child was frequently told to learn things from her father’s hired men. She learned numbers and writing from her father’s book keeper, stories from many cultures as well as bits of languages from Gahlid’s bodyguards, and how to exaggerate the truth and haggle by watching her father negotiate with customers.

     When she was ten, to her father’s vast and profound relief, Melanie was less inquisitive. Gahlid began teaching his daughter while they traveled. The other reason for this was because they took many boat trips that year and her father wanted to keep her from the sailor's coarse ways. Most of her lessons were in languages. She could speak with a Centoraurian without offending him too badly and could easily, accidentally offend dwarves by the time she was 13.

     As a twelve year old, the little terror watched some bodyguards practice; though they all refused to explain or show her how to hold/swing a weapon (fearing the pain her injury would cause them). Gahlid negotiated with her, and Melanie found herself the owner of a well trained Rusik. To her father's dismay she named the dark reddish brown stallion, Dirt.

     Wanting to show Gahlid just how great his little girl was, she was rarely seen for almost two weeks. During that time the little red haired girl (whose red hair was a bit darker now) demanded and received never ending lessons on how to care for Dirt. Even better, when she reemerged, Melanie still spent hours each day with the Rusik and not finding new ways to torment her father.

     As a 14 year old Melanie discovered one task she would never be good at (there are plenty others but she hadn’t encountered them yet). As a child she recalled helping Tavari cook and decided to learn how to. The older girl was banned, from even entering, the circle holding the cooking fire. Melanie threw a fit over the exile; the burner of food was convinced she could get it right eventually. Gahlid upheld the ‘cook’s’ (really just a guard with more talent than the rest) decision, for the sake of his stomach.

     At 15 Melanie was still childish about getting her way, since she got it so often. Though her father blamed it on her, claimed she was like a wolf chasing her quarry down till they gave up and begged for a quick ending. Though she was still childish her father had to admit to himself that she was a young woman now and not a little girl. This is because Melanie was the age her mother was when Gahlid and Tavari married. Of course, his little girl never looked much like her mother. Not only did Melanie take after her father in behavior but her skin was tanned from travel. Tavari dressed like a middle class Erpheronian with a decorated bodice over a long skirt. Melanie looked like a Centoraurian woman most of the time; she argued that sleeveless dresses were the only easy way to travel.

     Melanie had taken into her mind that she would simply become a merchant like her father. If she married, she married but she never planned on sharing her mother’s fate of remaining home all year long. She quite proudly told her father that she would be as good a merchant as he. Gahlid laughed at her statement, assuming it was a joke and wounded Melanie’s pride. Many battles occurred as a result of this wound during Melanie’s 15th and 16th years of life.

     Gahlid’s trip to Rahaz-Dath put a pause in the war but led to her loss of an important battle to Melanie. For 6 months he would travel without her, she would stay with a couple in Nyermersys. They were acquaintances whom had become friends over the weeks in winter the pair spent in the city. He claimed the trip was too dangerous and that Melanie, who admitted she wasn’t against marriage, needed to find a husband before they were all gone.

     Melanie was furious and decided that if she had to find a husband she’d find one who would never make her stay behind. She met many ‘eligible’ young men, all whose parents had heard how she was raised and were quite against the match. After two months of failure Melanie used her negotiation skills to convince one young man they could be good friends at least.

     Ishtor had a few 'features' that most interested Melanie; he was shy, a bit on the meek side, and knew a bit about sword fighting. It was thus that Melanie learned a second skill that would most like never be hers. Only having 4 months till her father returned, Melanie practiced for 4-5 hours each day. It took 1 month to hold the sword correctly and another 3 to swing any sword with some strategy. So it was that the girl who would be a merchant, learned how to at least avoid killing herself with her own sword.

     The trip was a huge success and Gahlid feeling the need to somehow make peace with his stubborn daughter purchased a few presents for her. The biggest gift by far was another pet for Melanie. Remembering the peace brought about by the purchase of Dirt, though the name still caused him to shudder a bit, the merchant purchased a Ly’caón. Gahlid was assured the golden-yellow canine, with spots of white and black, would be a fine and loyal companion.

     Melanie did not disappoint her father, her initial fit over having been left behind slowly became an investigation on everything Gahlid knew about Ly’caóns. The 16 year old proceeded to carry Dathar around for weeks and when the family began traveling again, she doted on the male canine.

     Not quite a year later Dathar was his full 4.2 hebs and he could always be found shadowing Melanie. For the now auburn haired woman, Dathar and Dirt were her two accomplices and confidants. Gahlid and Malanie rarely spoke about anything important, for it never ended well. Most of the trips taken at that time were meant for feeling out the market for goods from Northern Santharia, a trip he’d never allow his daughter to take.

     What caused the most problems between the two was the added tension of Melanie telling her father he was making a mistake. Not just leaving her, which was a terrible mistake that she expected Gahlid to make, but by making promises and taking money for journey with too many risks.

     Of course, it would have been better had she used the word mistake rather than the phrase 'a foolish gambler betting on the fights of chimeras.' This statement held a bit of truth, Gahlid was feeling invincible after his success of Rahaz-Dath. Had her merchant father been less arrogant or considered his daughter a woman afraid of losing everything; he may have not retorted that Melanie was not strong enough or smart enough to ever be a merchant. Further, he would not have implied that only one worthy of being a merchant would understand that he was funding the trip the only way possible.

     The day of Gahlid’s departure the two managed to swallow their pride for a few touching moments. Melanie advised her father, with a laugh and tears in her eyes, that he had better come back so that she could prove to him yet, that she was capable of being a great a merchant as he. While Gahlid promised his only child a Mari cub, for only that wolf could compare with his daughters tenacity.

     Melanie was left with the Nyermersysian house her mother had once lived in, enough coin to last the year the trip would take (a little extra incase of delays), one female servant loaned from friends of the family, and three of the body guards her father trusted most. She also had Dirt and Dathar, as well as a small warehouse holding all the equipment for land travel her father did not take with him.

     A year and month lather, Melanie now 19 was quite anxious. Her father was rarely late from a date he set, usually no more than a week. A month later her life flipped upside down when Ishtor showed up on her door step. They had kept in touch but the news he brought was terrible. Not only would her father not be coming home, but his pre-paying customers would be making quick time to get their share of his possessions.

     Melanie was not a stupid woman; she had feared but not actively planned for this fate then entire year. Shortly after her father left, in a fit of anger, Melanie listed all that needed to be done upon his failure. She had forgotten the list but the news brought it into her mind. Her memory is fuzzy at this time as panic and a grief struggled for dominance. Somehow she managed to grab her father’s strong box and the money in it (now about 5 goldbards), clothing, and some of her mother’s jewelry.

     With tears in her eyes Melanie bid Dirt farewell, taking instead a brown Southern Draught Horse with a lovely tan mane. Ishtor pressed a bag of coins into her hand, claiming they would pay the difference of a Rusik to Draught trade.

     At her father’s warehouse she managed to free a light weight cart and with the help of her new horse Straw, Melanie fled into the night. The next evening, when Straw was too tired to push much further, the green eyed woman looked into her belongings as her brain began to function more. To her great surprise, Melanie found a Centoraurian short sword tucked into the bag.

     Laughter at Ishtor’s ‘sneakiness’ turned to tears and sobs. With tracks of moisture still on her cheeks, Melanie began to recreate herself. She advised Dathar that she would from now on be Amaria. After all, she was told by her own father she was like an Ashmarian, or rather Mari...

     For three rather rough years, Amaria learned the routines involving selling goods to those used to doing without. Almost all of her mother's jewelry was used to survive the lean years. While her father's and Istor's coin were used to purchase goods to sell. She worked out traveling paths which kept her from Nyermersys and generally avoided the Aelyvian Sea and its coast. Just as she grew used to her life, Dathar, her only protector, and the last member of her 'original' family, died.

     The canine was just past his prime, still strong, and he died fighting a thief whose knife managed to cause too much damage. The thief fled after dislodging the dog, a coward who had planned to rob Amaria in her sleep. For a day the woman struggled to save Dathar. Another day was spent burying him, with dried blood and tears on her face. This was followed by a month of intense sorrow. Trading still occurred but Amaria tried much less and made very little. She also parted with her mother's bracelet (the last of the jewelry) to repair her wagon during that time.

      Almost a year later, the peddler found a new protector. She found that without Dathar, protecting herself and wagon was twice as hard. So when she was in a village and managed to purchase the skin of an Ilaról wolf, Amaria’s ears caught the fact that another wolf had been killed. The mate of the skin she bought was a female who had given birth recently.

     Expressing concern over the presence of a pack in the area, the auburn haired woman discovered the two were runts and there was no pack. Amaria began to plan something big, she overpaid slightly for some meat recently dried. Cornering the hunters with avid interest, the peddler got all the details she could. Where the hunters killed the pair of wolves and where they had been previously...

     With thoughts racing through her head (including that the rather large fur she had was a ‘runt’ Mithral Wolf) Amaria set out to find the cubs if she could. It took 3 full days to find the cubs, by that time all but one had died. With the patience of a mother and the enthusiasm her father once joked over, Amaria coaxed the cub back to life. It was malnourished and needed to stay close to a heat source at all times. Rigging a sling to keep the pup against her and warm, the peddler carefully buried it’s less fortunate siblings.

     It took a month before Silver could walk alone and two months before the pup could eat properly. Amaria hid the canine, then just at a heb, in his sling still against her. She taught the pup to stay still while in the sling, protecting him from those she traded with.

     Once Silver was too big for the sling, a few months later, Amaria made the canine a bed on the cart. She slowly weaned the animal from staying with her and soon the wolf was quite happy with his bed. As the wolf grew stronger and more energetic, Amaria allowed him to run along side the cart and even to practice hunting.

     Many rodents met with their end to the exuberant wolf. Amaria could not help but laugh at the triumphant ‘look at me’ expressions on Silver’s face. She even allowed him to keep his kills to himself, not wanting to eat a rodent. Silver’s hardest learned lesson was that many things were not to be hunted. It was Straw who taught him this with her foot.

     Amaria further expanded the lesson by teaching Silver a command to hunt and thus no command, no hunt. During this time the peddler was traveling and selling, and hiding the presence of a Mithral wolf from her customers. So we come to the end of her tale thus far.

Weapons: 
     Amaria possesses an inexpensive Centoraurian short sword, which either hangs by her side, attached by a leather belt andhidden by her dress/cloak; or rests under her seat on the wagon. She has also been known to have a mildly sharp dagger in her pocket, but she knows how to use it about as well as she might use a kitchen knife while burning dinner.

Belongings:
     Her biggest assets are her belongings she has a horse, a wolf, a wagon, two sturdy and lockable boxes (one ornate and one plain). The ornate box holds her savings (enough to purchase a fine horse) over the past 7 years in the form of coins and tiny, uncut, obviously flawed gems. She keeps the gems as a reminder of her past instead of selling them. The other box holds enough to make change and purchase goods (generally 100 san). Included with the change is a little book and old writing utensil. In it Amaria makes notes on how much she paid or was paid for each item. It is a quick way for her to watch for major inconsistencies and new opportunities.  She also has a Centoraurian short sword and a box on her wagon of semi valuable goods including Miyu beans (numbing pain), sweet slip oil (a few tiny containers), and dried Kauje beans. Other items are frequently in her possession but change as she travels. For rough times she keeps some dried prickle peas.

Familiars:  
     On her travels Amaria has just two companions a brown and tan Southern Draught Horse named Straw (in honor of her name for Dirt many years ago) and a Mithral Wolf named Silver. The two are quite suited for their tasks Straw is 4.5 fores tall and 180 hebs and Silver 2 fores tall, a ped long, and is a pygge heft. Straw is a middle aged (9.5 years old), healthy draught horse with a gentle nature. In fact only once has she expressed displeasure and that was by kicking Silver for biting her tail. Silver was hand raised by Amaria as she traveled. He has not been socialized as Amaria has not known anybody she wants Silver to trust besides herself and Straw. As such Silver is a little wild but mostly only when it comes to protecting his territory, in this case the wagon. In populated areas Silver is left on the wagon and will not leave, Amaria is defenseless except for her short sword.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2007, 12:37:39 AM by Amaria » Logged

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. -Anon
Amaria
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 23


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2007, 01:25:31 AM »

Ready for comments. Here I am!
I'd say be nice but ehhh... have fun.
Logged

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. -Anon
Thróg'Shireníc
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 152

Elf, Melad'rhim


« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2007, 03:08:45 AM »

i only see 2 things wrong and maybe another(haven't read history so couldn't know if problem in there yet sry)

1. you needs a clothes section--why i don't know but is usually required. i think so they know easier to see what type of clothes you wear.

2. having possessions is not necessarily a strength--what i mean is you have your entire possessions entry in your strengths section even though they are not necessarily a strength.
Logged

May this bless all who read it with what it holds:

Sé ilian thelduin onr líf un mor'ranr thelduin onr freohr.
Mina
Ávash'deláey
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 2099



« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2007, 03:17:20 AM »

Description of clothing is required, having a separate section for it is optional. 
Logged

Rookie Brownbark
Skydiver
Mini-mod
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1686


Brownie, Llaoihrr


« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2007, 07:42:05 AM »

Hey Amaria, I managed to find a little spare time and with such a lovely request how could I not help! Don’t know if/when I’ll get time to look over the rest though.  Also these are only suggestions (I’m not a grammar expert :P) so feel free to use the ones you agree with and leave the ones you don’t.

Overview:
     A peddler who would be a merchant (again). Amaria is intelligent and stubborn, she/and plans to achieve  her goal even if it kills her.

Physical Appearance:   
     Sharp green eyes - always calculating and never showing emotion - are set in a lean face framed by reddish brown hair. The face that was once a pale shade has now been darkened to a light tan from suffering many sunburns over the years maybe – being sunburnt so many times over the years. The area framing Amaria’s eyes is creased from squinting her eyes while traveling even at sunreign. Adding to the severity of the green eyed woman is a leanness bespeaking harsh winters and skipped meals.

     Regardless of the difficulties in Amaria’s life she still holds herself upright, standing the full 1 ped and 2 fores, and her small mouth frequently quirks up on one side as though to laugh at fate itself. While she is lean it is not just from missed meals but also from work. Her muscular frame is covered by clothing most of the year. During the winter she exists under layers of clothing ”exists” seems a strange word to use – maybe just say she wears many layers of clothing?  (all shades of brown) and topped with a brown cloak. The summer’s heat leads to her dressing more like the Centoraurians, brown sleeveless dress, with the brown cloak to cover the fact that she is female.

     Amaria’s hairstyle also varies by season; the auburn hair is never left open falling in waves to her lower back : instead it is always plaited. In the warmer months it is coiled into a simple bun but during the winter gingery brown hair is left dangling behind her, frequently tucked into the back of her clothes. But you just said it was always plaited

Personality:   
     Having so little compared to what she always assumed she’d have Amaria thinks that she only really has her pride and herself. Bit of a confusing sentence, maybe you could change it or split it into two. As such, insulting her pride will cause anger and any ‘favor’ being done for or by her will be over. If there is any way she can hurt the person back for the injury to her esteem, Amaria has little to no restraint. Also, she will never ask for help and has little trust for anyone unless she can see their motivations.

     One of her stranger fears is manning a small trading exhibition of just 5 or so members. As a nonfighter Amaria feels vulnerable unless she has enough money to not only buy the greedy but to buy loyalty as well. She dreams of eventually being the merchant her father was (and then surpassing him of course) and leading journeys of 30 or more men to the edges of the continent.

     When it comes to over indulgence in alcohol Amaria is, generally speaking, known to drink just enough to be sociable still keeping her wits about her. Much of her behavior is intended to convince others that she is human, trustworthy, and a good person to buy products from.

     While working (which is whenever anyone with a purse or goods  is around), Amaria has a pleasant disposition as she attempts to peddle her wares or invest in new products. If the other person is obviously wealthy then Amaria will not hold back, scheming to lighten their pocket as much as possible. With those of less affluent social positions Amaria can’t seem to do the same. Probably because she remembers wealthy people as those who just don’t want to spend so much (therefore needing a bit of persuasion) and has learned that poorer peasants can’t afford to spend so much.
Logged

Amaria
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 23


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2007, 12:14:15 PM »

Thanks for the help so far. All the changes from Rookie up have been colored orange, I've added seperate clothing section, and took belongings out of the strenghs section.
Logged

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. -Anon
Amaria
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 23


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2007, 07:22:46 AM »

*nudges back to the first page*  Wave
Logged

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. -Anon
Amaria
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 23


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2007, 10:05:06 PM »

Another bump.... *sighs* Ready for comments
Logged

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. -Anon
Kelancey the Green
White Nehtorian/Dalorin
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 617


Human, Erpheronian


Homepage
« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2007, 12:40:42 AM »

Amaria, I really enjoyed reading your history.  And you know the months and times of day!  I must catch up!

Well done, Amaria!
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Kain Cristar
Divine Aspect
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 588


Elf, Co'orhem Kayrrhem


« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2007, 08:19:39 AM »

Kain giveth knowlege, and taketh away ignorance. His holy endowment shall be anointed in the color blue

Name: Amaria
Gender: Female
Race: Human
Age: 26
Tribe: Erpheronian
Occupation: Merchant
Title: Traveling Peddler

Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Reddish Brown
Height: 1 ped and 2 fores
Weight: about a pygge and 3 hebs

Detailed Description:

Overview:
     A peddler who would be a merchant (again). Amaria is intelligent and stubborn; she plans to achieve her goal even if it kills her.

Physical Appearance:   
     Sharp green eyes always calculating and never showing emotion are set in a lean face framed by reddish brown hair.  Amaria's face, which was once a pale shade of pink, of lavender, of vermillion, of what? also, comma here has now been darkened to a light tan from being sun burnt so many times over the years. The area framing Amaria’s eyes is creased from when Amaria squints her eyes against the bright sun while traveling. Adding to the severity of the green eyed woman is a leanness bespeaking harsh winters and skipped meals.

     Regardless of the difficulties in Amaria’s life she still holds herself upright, standing the full 1 ped and 2 fores, and her small mouth frequently quirks up on one side as though to laugh at fate itself. While she is lean it is not just from missed meals but also from work. Her muscular frame is covered by clothing most of the year. During the winter she is covered by layers of clothing (all shades of brown) and topped with a brown cloak. The summer’s heat leads to her dressing more like the Centoraurians, brown sleeveless dress, with the brown cloak to cover the fact that she is female.

     Amaria’s hairstyle also varies by season; the auburn hair is never left open falling in waves to her lower back instead it is always plaited. In the warmer months it is coiled into a simple bun but during the winter the plaited cord is left dangling behind her, frequently tucked into the back of her clothes.

Clothes:
     Summer - Brown ankle length dress with no sleeves and a square cut top. On her feet are simple leather boots. Covering the dress is a simple cloak also colored brown. Amaria wears no jewelry. Attached by a leather belt is her short sword.

     Winter - To shield from cold Amaria wears layers of clothes, some are just cloak style, all are brown. Any colored clothing is saved to be sold as is any clothing that is thick and warm. Over the many layers is the same cloak that Amaria wears in Summer. She also wears the same boots.

Personality:   
     Amaria has lost much and the hopes of her future have been drastically lowered. The peddler has come to believe she has herself and her pride but nothing else. I am not sure as to where you were going there. As such, insulting her pride will cause anger and any ‘favor’ being done for or by her will be over. If there is anyway she can hurt the person back for the injury to her esteem, Amaria has little to no restraint. Also, she will never ask for help and has little trust for anyone unless she can see their motivations.

     Relationships are a difficult thing for Amaria. She lost those she grew up trusting (her father, friend Istor). That combined with her constant traveling and lack of trust, new friends are nonexistent. Added to that she frequently makes the impression that she was married and widowed, rather than allowing for the truth that she is still a maiden.

     One of her stranger fears is manning a small trading exhibition of just 5 or so members. As a nonfighter Amaria feels vulnerable unless she has enough money to not only buy the greedy but to buy loyalty as well. She dreams of eventually being the merchant her father was (and then surpassing him of course) and leading journeys of 30 or more men to the edges of the continent.

     When it comes to over indulgence in alcohol Amaria is, generally speaking, known to drink just enough to be sociable still keeping her wits about her. Much of her behavior is intended to convince others that she is human, trustworthy, and a good person to buy products from. She is a saleswoman at heart and will paint a picture of herself to suit the buyer's whims.

     While working (which is whenever anyone with a purse or goods is around), Amaria has a pleasant disposition as she attempts to peddle her wares or invest in new products. If the other person is obviously wealthy then Amaria will not hold back, scheming to lighten their pocket as much as possible. With those of less affluent social positions Amaria can’t seem to do the same. Probably because she remembers wealthy people as those who just don’t want to spend so much (therefore needing a bit of persuasion) and has learned that poorer peasants can’t afford to spend so much.

Strengths and Weaknesses:

a) Strengths –

     The green eyed peddler has a limited knowled of how to fight with a sword. She can hold her Centoraurian short sword properly and even correctly thrust with it. Other than that she has no knowledge of fighting someone beyond that of a true amateur with no natural ability. The only thing she knows less about is fighting with the dagger in her pocket, she uses it only as last minute protection but hasn't the foggiest idea as to how to use it, except of course pointy end forward.

     Amaria has a good mind, knowledge of how to read and write, as well as the ability to speak various dialects. She is good at selling people and lying with a straight face. While she finds it easy to read certain people, she allows herself to be misled by those who seem to be misfortunate. Amaria has also gained a limited knowledge on plants (she can find the more obviously edible ones in the wild and knows the difference between good and bad vegetables when trading).

     As she has been traveling awhile, Amaria has made a few contacts (though all are peasants and none are well off) and has set a pattern in her travels which allows her to make the most of her time and investments.

Weaknesses –     
     Amaria has two major weaknesses, as a traveling peddler she crosses much danger but has little protection. Besides luck and a short sword (which she knows how to hold and how to not kill herself on) she must rely on a Mithral wolf that is two years old.

     More than anything Amaria’s biggest downfall is her pride. A gift from her father (like her first canine), Amaria refuses overt assistance and to see that she may need help. She curses her father, Gahlid, at times for his pride, she feels it 'ruined’ everything. Further she is convinced that had Gahlid allowed Amaria to assist him, she could have proved herself and saved her father. The other problem with her pride is that it keeps her from learning a useful profession which would allow her to produce instead of wearily traveling; looking for a trade worth enough to fix her life back to how it was.

     Another minor weakness is Amaria’s propensity to burn dinner, but she’s used to the burnt flavor and eats out at inns whenever possible. She also loses profits by, on occasion, being soft hearted towards poor people in rural areas. She knows that if they need her products they won’t get them anywhere else, but instead of making a profit... she will give them a fair to too good to be true deal (cutting out profit and maybe even taking a loss).

History: 
     A little girl was born as sundrown began on the tenth day of Fallen Leaf and gifted with the name Melania Senedor. She was born to a family that was once prosperous merchants but had dwindled to her father, Gahlid, and mother, Tavari. This small family almost grew smaller that eve, as her mother was too weak to give birth easily. The gods must have chosen to gift Melania with memories of her mother, for the frail woman lived for a few more years.

     From birth till the age of seven, when Tavari died, nix the coma attempting to give birth to her second child, Melanie saw her father just weeks a year. Instead the fiery haired child was coddled by her mother and the old woman, Farnath, who was hired to assist Tavari in any household chores.  During the seven years the girl learned to tend a house and that she had none of her mother’s frail grace. She was robust and carried herself with an arrogance that matched Gahlid’s own.

     The week of Tavari’s death, Gahlid was home, anxiously awaiting the birth of his son and heir, anxious to get back on the road that is. While in town he was often out from starrise till shadowleave and slept till sunreign, leaving the care of his wife to Melanie and Farnath. Melanie was most excited about the time from when her father awoke till Gahild left for the evening. During that time he would tell her about the dwarfs, elves, and other human races he had traded with and all the strange sights he had seen. During the tales green eyes peered into green and Melanie lapped up the attention her father was finally paying her. It was poor Farnath that had to listen to the recitations each morning before Sunreigh, for Tavari was bedridden.

     Gahlid lost his wife and heir the same hour, the second hour of Fastday. As he returned home for the eve, he arrived to hear such a racket, Farnath was calling out orders to Melanie and Tavari, his dear Tavari, was crying out in pain. For a quarter hour he could do naught but wait, the long awaited for day had arrived. It was not to be though, and the family soon became a man and his daughter.

     Melanie was without a place now, for Gahlid was a decent father and would not leave his child with just anyone (not even Farnath for he never liked her much). He was faced with just two options. The man refused to stay home and send others to journey for him and so Melanie would be coming with her father.

     So they left Nyermersys, where Tavari and Melanie lived. The pair only returned during the coldest weeks. Gahlid would then contact acquaintances and get special orders from any clients willing to pay upfront. It was said Gahlid could get just about anything and if he couldn’t, no one could (at least that what Gahlid said).

     Seven year olds are curious children and Melanie, her father frequently bragged and lamented, topped all the others. The only way to still the child's mouth was to explain to exhaustion every detail of anything she wanted to know. So to keep her out the way the green-eyed child was frequently told to learn things from her father’s hired men. She learned numbers and writing from her father’s book keeper, stories from many cultures as well as bits of languages from Gahlid’s bodyguards, and how to exaggerate the truth and haggle by watching her father negotiate with customers.

     When she was ten, to her father’s vast and profound relief, Amaria was less inquisitive. Gahlid began teaching his daughter while they traveled. The other reason for this was because they took many boat trips that year and her father wanted to keep her from the sailors coarse ways. Most of her lessons were in languages. She could speak with a Centoraurian without offending him too badly and could easily, accidentally offend dwarves by the time she was 13.

     As a twelve year old, the little terror watched some bodyguards practice; though they all refused to explain or show her how to hold/swing a weapon (fearing the pain her injury would cause them). Gahlid negotiated with her, and Melanie found herself the owner of a well trained Rusik. To her fathers dismay she named the dark reddish brown stallion, Dirt.

     Wanting to show Gahlid just how great his little girl was, she was rarely seen for almost two weeks. During that time the little red haired girl (whose red hair was a bit darker now) demanded and received never ending lessons on how to care for Dirt. Even better, when she reemerged, Melanie still spent hours each day with the Rusik and not finding new ways to torment her father.

     As a 14 year old Melanie discovered one task she would never be good at (there are plenty others but she hadn’t encountered them yet). As a child she recalled helping Tavari cook and decided to learn how to. The older girl was banned, from even entering, the circle holding the cooking fire. Melanie threw a fit over the exile; the burner of food was convinced she could get it right eventually. Gahlid upheld the ‘cook’s’ (really just a guard with more talent than the rest) decision, for the sake of his stomach.

     At 15 Melanie was still childish about getting her way, since she got it so often. Though her father blamed it on her, claimed she was like a wolf chasing her quarry down till they gave up and begged for a quick ending. She was a woman though and began the last and biggest war she would have with Gahlid. Though Melanie looked more like a Centoraurian woman than her mother ever did. that was random The young woman was the age Tavari was at her marriage to Gahlid. The merchant had to admit his little girl was a woman.

     Melanie had taken into her mind that she would simply become a merchant like her father. If she married, she married but she never planned on sharing her mother’s fate of remaining home all year long. She quite proudly told her father that she would be a merchant as good as him. Gahlid laughed at her statement, assuming it was a joke and wounded Melanie’s pride. Many battles occurred as a result of this wound during Melanie’s 15th and 16th years of life.

     Gahlid’s trip to Rahaz-Dath put a pause in the war but led to her loss of an important battle to Melanie. For 6 months he would travel without her, she would stay with a couple in Nyermersys. They were acquaintances whom had become friends over the weeks in winter the pair spent in the city. He claimed the trip was too dangerous and that Melanie, who admitted she wasn’t against marriage, needed to find a husband before they were all gone.

     Melanie was furious and decided that if she had to find a husband she’d find one who would never make her stay behind. She met many ‘eligible’ young men, all whose parents had heard how she was raised and were quite against the match. After two months of ‘failure’ Melanie used her negotiation skills to convince one young man they could be good friends at least.

     Ishtor had a few 'features' that most interested Melanie; he was shy, a bit on the meek side, and knew a bit about sword fighting. It was thus that Melanie learned a second skill that would most like never be hers. Only having 4 months till her father returned, Melanie practiced for 4-5 hours each day. It took 1 month to hold the sword correctly and another 3 to swing any sword with some strategy. So it was that the girl who would be a merchant, learned how to at least avoid killing herself playing with a sword.

     The trip was a huge success and Gahlid feeling the need to somehow make peace with his stubborn daughter purchased a few presents for her. The biggest gift by far was another pet for Melanie. Remembering the peace brought about by the purchase of Dirt, though the name still caused him to shudder a bit, the merchant purchased a Ly’caón. Gahlid was assured the golden-yellow canine, with spots of white and black, would be a fine and loyal companion.

     Melanie did not disappoint her father, her initial fit over having been left behind slowly became an investigation on everything Gahlid knew about Ly’caóns. The 16 year old proceeded to carry Dathar around for weeks and when the family began traveling again, she doted on the male canine.

     Not quite a year later Dathar was his full 4.2 hebs and he could always be found shadowing Melanie. For the now auburn haired woman, Dathar and Dirt were her two accomplices and confidants. Gahlid and Malanie rarely spoke about anything important, for it never ended well. Most of the trips taken at that time were meant for feeling out the market for goods from Northern Santharia, a trip he’d never allow his daughter to take.

     What caused the most problems between the two was the added tension of Melanie telling her father he was making a mistake. Not just leaving her, which was a terrible mistake that she expected Gahlid to make, but by making promises and taking money for journey with too many risks.

     Of course, it would have been better had she used the word mistake rather than the phrase 'a foolish gambler betting on the fights of chimeras.' This statement held a bit of truth, Gahlid was feeling invincible after his success of Rahaz-Dath. Had her merchant father been less arrogant or considered his daughter a woman afraid of losing everything; he may have not retorted that Melanie was not strong enough or smart enough to ever be a merchant. Further, he would not have implied that only one worthy of being a merchant would understand that he was funding the trip the only way possible.

     The day of Gahlid’s departure the two managed to swallow their pride for a few touching moments. Melanie advised her father, with a laugh and tears in her eyes, that he had better come back so that she could prove to him yet, that she was capable of being a great a merchant as he. While Gahlid promised his only child a Mari cub, for only that wolf could compare with his daughters tenacity.

     Melanie was left with the Nyermersysian house her mother had once lived in, enough coin to last the year the trip would take (a little extra incase of delays), one female servant loaned from friends of the family, and three of the body guards her father trusted most. She also had Dirt and Dathar, as well as a small warehouse holding all the equipment for land travel her father did not take with him.

     A year and month lather, Melanie now 19 was quite anxious. Her father was rarely late from a date he set, usually no more than a week. A month later her life flipped upside down when Ishtor showed up on her door step. They had kept in touch but the news he brought was terrible. Not only would her father not be coming home, but his pre-paying customers would be making quick time to get their share of his possessions.

     Melanie was not a stupid woman; she had feared but not actively planned for this fate then entire year. Shortly after her father left, in a fit of anger, Amaria listed all that needed to be done upon his failure. She had forgotten the list but the news brought it into her mind. Her memory is fuzzy at this time as panic and a grief struggled for dominance. Somehow she managed to grab her father’s strong box and the money in it (now about 5 goldbards), clothing, and some of her mother’s jewelry.

     With tears in her eyes Melanie bid Dirt farewell, taking instead a brown Southern Draught Horse with a lovely tan mane. Ishtor pressed a bag of coins into her hand, claiming they would pay the difference of a Rusik to Draught trade.

     At her father’s warehouse she managed to free a light weight cart and with the help of her new horse Straw, Melanie fled into the night. The next evening, when Straw was too tired to push much further, the green eyed woman looked into her belongings as her brain began to function more. To her great surprise, Melanie found a Centoraurian short sword tucked into the bag.

     Laughter at Ishtor’s ‘sneakiness’ turned to tears and sobs. With tracks of moisture still on her cheeks, Melanie began to recreate herself. She advised Dathar that she would from now on be Amaria. After all, she was told by her own father she was like an Ashmarian, or rather Mari...

     For three rather rough years, Amaria learned the routines involving selling goods to those used to doing without. Almost all of her mother's jewelry was used to survive the lean years. She worked out traveling paths which kept her from Nyermersys and generally avoided the Aelyvian Sea and its coast. Just as she grew used to her life, Dathar, her only protector, and the last member of her 'original' family, died.

     The canine was just past his prime, still strong, and he died fighting a thief whose knife managed to cause too much damage. The thief fled after dislodging the dog, a coward who had planned to rob Amaria in her sleep. For a day the woman struggled to save Dathar. Another day was spent burying him, with dried blood and tears on her face. This was followed by a month of intense sorrow. Trading still occurred but Amaria tried much less and made very little. She also parted with her mother's bracelet (the last of the jewelry) to repair her wagon during that time.

      Almost a year later, the peddler found a new protector. She found that without Dathar, protecting herself and wagon was twice as hard. So when she was in a village and managed to purchase the skin of an Ilaról wolf, Amaria’s ears caught the fact that another wolf had been killed. The mate of the skin she bought was a female who had given birth recently.

     Expressing concern over the presence of a pack in the area, the auburn haired woman discovered the two were runts and there was no pack. Amaria began to plan something big, she overpaid slightly for some meat recently dried. Cornering the hunters with avid interest, the peddler got all the details she could. Where the hunters killed the pair of wolves and where they had been previously...

     With thoughts racing through her head (including that the rather large fur she had was a ‘runt’ Mithral Wolf) Amaria set out to find the cubs if she could. It took 3 full days to find the cubs, by that time all but one had died. With the patience of a mother and the enthusiasm her father once joked over, Amaria coaxed the cub back to life. It was malnourished and needed to stay close to a heat source at all times. Rigging a sling to keep the pup against her and warm, the peddler carefully buried it’s less fortunate siblings.

     It took a month before Silver could walk alone and two months before the pup could eat properly. Amaria hid the canine, then just at a heb, in his sling still against her. She taught the pup to stay still while in the sling, protecting him from those she traded with.

     Once Silver was too big for the sling, a few months later, Amaria made the canine a bed on the cart. She slowly weaned the animal from staying with her and soon the wolf was quite happy with his bed. As the wolf grew stronger and more energetic, Amaria allowed him to run along side the cart and even to practice hunting.

     Many rodents met with their end to the exuberant wolf. Amaria could not help but laugh at the triumphant ‘look at me’ expressions on Silver’s face. She even allowed him to keep his kills to himself, not wanting to eat a rodent. Silver’s hardest learned lesson was that many things were not to be hunted. It was Straw who taught him this with her foot.

     Amaria further expanded the lesson by teaching Silver a command to hunt and thus no command, no hunt. During this time the peddler was traveling and selling, and hiding the presence of a Mithral wolf from her customers. So we come to the end of her tale thus far.

A nice story. She might have a difficult time joining an rp, for there seems little draw in most stories for a merchant. However, I am sure you can imagine something up.

Weapons: 
     Amaria possesses an inexpensive Centoraurian short sword, which either hangs by her side, attached by a leather belt andhidden by her dress/cloak; or rests under her seat on the wagon. She has also been known to have a mildly sharp dagger in her pocket, but she knows how to use it about as well as she might use a kitchen knife while burning dinner.

Belongings:
     Her biggest assets are her belongings she has a horse, a wolf, a wagon, two sturdy and lockable boxes (one ornate and one plain). The ornate box holds her savings (enough to purchase a fine horse) over the past 7 years in the form of coins and tiny, uncut, obviously flawed gems. She keeps the gems as a reminder of her past instead of selling them. The other box holds enough to make change and purchase goods (generally 100 san). Included with the change is a little book and old writing utensil. In it Amaria makes notes on how much she paid or was paid for each item. It is a quick way for her to watch for major inconsistencies and new opportunities.  She also has a Centoraurian short sword and a box on her wagon of semi valuable goods including Miyu beans (numbing pain), sweet slip oil (a few tiny containers), and dried Kauje beans. Other items are frequently in her possession but change as she travels. For rough times she keeps some dried prickle peas.

Familiars:   
     On her travels Amaria has just two companions a brown and tan Southern Draught Horse named Straw (in honor of her name for Dirt many years ago) and a Mithral Wolf named Silver. The two are quite suited for their tasks Straw is and Silver is a pygge in Straw is a middle aged (9.5 years old), healthy draught horse with a gentle nature. In fact only once has she expressed displeasure and that was by kicking Silver for biting her tail. Silver was hand raised by Amaria as she traveled. As such Silver is a little wild but mostly only when it comes to protecting his territory, in this case the wagon. In populated areas Silver is left on the wagon and will not leave, Amaria is defenseless except for her short sword.

I would like some more detail on her abilities as a trader. Trading is more than lies and cutting deals, its an ability to keep an ear on the market and judge where things are going. Her strengths should discuss her wealth and power through her wealth, as well as the wolf. With the wolf added she might be a tad unbalanced, but its nothing I am going to get uppity over. If I could, I would probably bestow you an approval.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2007, 08:21:50 AM by Kain Cristar » Logged

You have lived a life of cruelty and atrocity, you have bathed in the blood of the innocent, you have considered every act of depravity and your corruption knows no bounds. I am the angel of justice, I am the accumulation of all of your sins. Prepare for your redemption.

-Kain Cristar, Divine Aspect
Amaria
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 23


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #10 on: January 14, 2007, 11:20:03 PM »

Changes have been made. Thanks so much for looking at my CD and the giviing for knowledge, Kain. *goes hunting for an approval giver*
Logged

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. -Anon
Leida Kereborn
Wandering Opportunist
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 147


Human, Helcrani


« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2007, 05:21:05 AM »

Amaria, I know I'm no mod, but if you like I'd be happy to read through your CD and (if necessary) do a Uri-check.  I was skimming some of the history last night and it really intrigued me--distracted me from editing my own CD!  Shoot me a comment or a pm if you want the extra help. :)
Logged

"They'll build a statue of us, then later say it's all our fault."

"Wherever you go, you have your rump behind you."
Amaria
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 23


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2007, 05:30:12 AM »

Whhhheeeee! People reading my CD finally. Yes Leida, all help is welcome. Uri-checks are adored as is any commenting.  Pet
Logged

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. -Anon
Leida Kereborn
Wandering Opportunist
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 147


Human, Helcrani


« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2007, 02:40:42 PM »

Mostly grammatical stuff and things to make it read more smoothly, but here goes. My comments in ever lovely teal. :)

Name: Amaria
Gender: Female
Race: Human
Age: 26
Tribe: Erpheronian
Occupation: Merchant
Title: Traveling Peddler

Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Reddish Brown
Height: 1 ped and 2 fores
Weight: about a pygge and 3 hebs

Detailed Description:

Overview:
     A peddler who would be a merchant (again). Amaria is intelligent and stubborn; she plans to achieve her goal goals, maybe?  Does she have only one goal? even if it kills her.

Physical Appearance: 
     Sharp green eyes, always calculating and never showing emotion, are set in a lean face framed by reddish brown hair. Amaria's which was once pale face has now been darkened to a light tan from being sun burnt so many times over the years. The area framing Amaria’s eyes is creased from squinting against the bright sun while traveling. Adding to the severity of the green eyed woman is a leanness bespeaking harsh winters and skipped meals.

     Regardless of the difficulties in Amaria’s life, she still holds herself upright, standing a full 1 ped and 2 fores, and her small mouth frequently quirks up on one side as though to laugh at fate itself. While she is lean, it is not just from missed meals but also from hard? work. Her muscular frame is covered by clothing most of the year. During the winter she is layered in all shades of brown clothing and topped with a brown cloak. The summer’s heat leads to her dressing more like the Centoraurians, in a brown sleeveless dress, with the brown cloak to cover the fact that she is female Why would she wanted to hide that?.

     Amaria’s hairstyle also varies by season: the auburn hair is never left to fall in waves to her lower back; instead it is always plaited. In the warmer months it is coiled into a simple bun but during the winter the plaited cord is left dangling behind her, frequently tucked into the back of her clothes.

Clothes:
     Summer - Brown ankle length dress with no sleeves and a square cut top. On her feet are simple leather boots. Covering the dress is a simple cloak, also colored brown. Amaria wears no jewelry. Attached to a leather belt is her short sword.

     Winter - To shield from cold Amaria wears layers of clothes; some are just cloak style What is cloak style? and all are brown. Any colored clothing is saved to be sold as is any clothing that is thick and warm. Over the many layers is the same cloak that Amaria wears in summer. She also wears the same boots.

Personality: 
     Amaria has lost much and the hopes of her future have been drastically lowered. The peddler has come to believe she has herself and her pride and nothing else. As such, insulting her pride will anger her and any ‘favor’ being done for or by her will be over. If there is any way she can hurt the person back for the injury to her esteem, Amaria has little to no restraint. This sentence reads awkwardly.  I understand the point you're getting across, but maybe try something like, "Amaria has little to no restraint when it comes to hurting those who damage her esteem." Also, she will never ask for help and has little trust for anyone unless she can see their motivations.

     Relationships are a difficult thing for Amaria. She lost those she grew up trusting (her father, friend Istor). That, combined with her constant traveling and lack of trust, means new friends are nonexistent. Added to that she frequently hints that she was married and widowed, rather than allowing for the truth that she is still a maiden.

     One of her stranger fears is manning a small trading exhibition of just 5 or so members. Again, this reads a little awkwardly, but I get the point.  Perhaps, "One of her stranger fears is having a trading expedition of 5 or fewer members." As a nonfighter, Amaria feels vulnerable unless she has enough money to not only buy the greedy, but to buy loyalty as well. She dreams of eventually being the merchant her father was (and then surpassing him of course) and leading journeys of 30 or more men to the edges of the continent. Gutsy!  I like her.  grin

     When it comes to over indulgence in alcohol Amaria is, generally speaking, known to drink just enough to be sociable still keeping her wits about her. Much of her behavior is intended to convince others that she is human, trustworthy, and a good person to buy products from. She is a saleswoman at heart and will paint a picture of herself to suit the buyer's whims. Why is this paragraph necessary?  It's an interesting tidbit that she drinks socially, and more over that she uses social drinking to win the loyalty of customers, but why does it deserve its own paragraph?  You may throw this in later; I'll see if I can find a place for it.

     While working (which is whenever anyone with a purse or goods is around), Amaria has a pleasant disposition as she attempts to peddle her wares or invest in new products. If the other person is obviously wealthy then Amaria will not hold back, scheming to lighten their pocket as much as possible. With those of less affluent social positions Amaria can’t seem to do the same. Probably because she remembers wealthy people as those who just don’t want to spend so much (therefore needing a bit of persuasion) and has learned that poorer peasants can’t afford to spend so much. Huh?  This last sentence is confusing.  I think the sentiment is implied though, with the "With those of less affluent social positions" sentence.

Strengths and Weaknesses:

a) Strengths –

     The green eyed peddler has a limited knowledge of how to fight with a sword. She can hold her Centoraurian short sword properly and even correctly thrust with it. Other than that she has no knowledge of fighting someone beyond that of a true amateur with no natural ability. The only thing she knows less about is fighting with the dagger in her pocket, she uses it only as last minute protection but hasn't the foggiest idea as to how to use it, except of course pointy end forward. I don't know if not knowing how to use a sword and dagger is really a strength, although it certainly isn't a weakness.  Maybe emphasize less her inability and more so that she can, to some degree, defend herself with the blade.

     For protection Amaria has a two year old mithral wolf named Silver. The wolf is not so much for personal protection as for protecting her cart and valuables. The main reason for this is that Silver is immature and, like most young animals, prone to making mistakes. Why does this make him more adept at protecting the cart than herself? Amaria protects the wolf by keeping him from as many people as possible. I don't know too much about mithral wolves, but I do know a bit about regular wolves, and I'm assuming this is so he isn't killed by scared and overzealous travelers?

     Amaria has a good mind, knowledge of how to read and write, as well as the ability to speak various dialects. She is good at selling people and lying with a straight face. While she finds it easy to read certain people, she allows herself to be misled by those who seem to be misfortunate I'm assuming this will be explained later?. Amaria has also gained a limited knowledge on plants (she can find the more obviously edible ones in the wild and knows the difference between good and bad vegetables when trading).

     As she has been traveling awhile, Amaria has made a few contacts (though all are peasants and none are well off) and has set a pattern in her travels which allows her to make the most of her time and investments. She is also good at listening to people and seeing ways to assist them with specific goods. Amaria has also collected many goods that she's seen a lot of need for over the years. As such she has managed to accumulate some wealth.

You want to put your strengths and weaknesses in list form, with the explanatory paragraph following.  Like, "1) Quick witted and intelligent: She can etc. etc."

Weaknesses –     
     Amaria has two major weaknesses: as a traveling peddler she crosses much danger but has little protection. Besides luck and a short sword (which she knows how to hold and how to not kill herself on) she must rely on a Mithral wolf that is two years old. [/color] So the weakness is what?  Not being able to defend herself adequately?[/color]

     More than anything Amaria’s biggest downfall is her pride. A gift from her father (like her first canine) this is unneceessary here, Amaria refuses overt assistance and to see that she may need help. She curses her father, Gahlid, at times for his pride, she feels it 'ruined’ everything. Does she curse other people for their pride, or only her father?  This hypocrisy is interesting. Further she is convinced that had Gahlid allowed Amaria to assist him, she could have proved herself and saved her father. The other problem with her pride is that it keeps her from learning a useful profession which would allow her to produce instead of wearily traveling; looking for a trade worthy enough to fix her life back to how it was. Hm?  I thought she was proud of being a traveling peddler, but here it seems like she sees it as some weary, degrading profession.

     Another minor weakness is Amaria’s propensity to burn dinner, but she’s used to the burnt flavor and eats out at inns whenever possible Why is this a weakness?  Perhaps because it makes eating out on the road a hassle, especially when it comes round her turn to cook for everyone?. She also loses profits by, on occasion, being soft hearted towards poor people in rural areas. She knows that they may not be able to get her products anywhere else, but instead of making a profit, she will give them a deal too good to be true deal (cutting out profit and maybe even taking a loss) This weakness is unrelated to the one before it, and should be listed separately..

History:
     A little girl was born at sundrown began on the tenth day of Fallen Leaf and gifted with the name Melania Ooh, I like the name Melania, but throughout the rest of the history you name her "Melanie".  Make sure to stick with one. ;) Senedor. She was born into a family of once prosperous merchants that had since dwindled to her father, Gahlid, and mother, Tavari. This small family almost grew smaller that eve, as her mother was too weak to give birth easily. The gods must have chosen to gift Melania with memories of her mother, for the frail woman lived for a few more years. Wait, what?  They gifted her with memories of her mother, so her mother lived longer?  That doesn't make much sense.  You hint that her mother will die in childbirth, but it doesn't happen for seven more years; since this is the case, Melania would have no problem remember some early things about her mother, so these sentences are unnecessary.

     From birth till the age of seven, when Tavari died attempting to give birth to her second child, Melanie saw her father just how many? weeks a year. Instead the fiery haired child was coddled by her mother and the old housemaid, Farnath, who was hired to assist Tavari in any household chores.  During these seven years the girl learned to tend a house and that she had none of her mother’s frail grace. Frail grace?  These seem to contradict each other.  Maybe "frail delicacy." She was robust and carried herself with an arrogance that matched Gahlid’s own.

     The week of Tavari’s death, Gahlid was home, anxiously awaiting the birth of his son and heir, or rather, anxious to get back on the road that is. While in town he was often out from starrise till shadowleave Trading?  Carousing? and slept till sunreign, leaving the care of his wife to Melanie and Farnath. Melanie was most excited about the time Gahlid spent home with her. During that time he would tell her about the dwarfs, elves, and other human races he had traded with and all the strange sights he had seen. During the tales green eyes peered into green and Melanie lapped up the attention her father was finally paying her. It was poor Farnath that had to listen to the recitations each morning before Sunreign, for Tavari was bedridden. What recitations?  Sorry, I must have missed that!  Huh?

     Gahlid lost his wife and heir the same hour, the second hour of Fastday. As he returned home for the eve, he arrived to hear such a racket: Farnath was calling out orders to Melanie, and Tavari, his dear Tavari, was crying out in pain. For a quarter hour he could do naught but wait, the long awaited for day had arrived. It was not to be though, however, and the family soon became but a man and his daughter.

     Melanie was without a place now, for Gahlid was a decent father and would not leave his child with just anyone  while he was trading on the road (not even Farnath for he never liked her much). He was faced with just two options. The man refused to stay home and send others to journey for him and so Melanie would be coming with her father.

     So they left their home in Nyermersys, where Tavari and Melanie lived only returning during the coldest weeks. Gahlid would then contact acquaintances and get special orders from any clients willing to pay upfront. It was said (at least by Gahlid) that Gahlid could get just about anything and if he couldn’t, no one could (at least that what Gahlid said).

     Seven year olds are curious children and Melanie, her father frequently bragged and lamented, topped all of them. The only way to still the child's mouth was to explain to exhaustion every detail of anything she wanted to know. So to keep her out the way the green-eyed child was frequently told to learn things from her father’s hired men. She learned numbers and writing from her father’s book keeper, stories from many cultures as well as bits of languages from Gahlid’s bodyguards, and how to exaggerate the truth and haggle by watching her father negotiate with customers. Nice way for her to learn!  That certainly explains some things. :D

     When she was ten, to her father’s vast and profound relief, Melanie grew less inquisitive. What spurred this change? Gahlid began teaching his daughter while they traveled. The other reason for this What was the first? was because they took many boat trips that year and her father wanted to keep her from the sailor's coarse ways. Most of her lessons were in languages And haggling, maybe?  Seems her father would teach her that, too, since he's such a prosperous merchant.. She could speak with a Centoraurian without offending him too badly and could easily, accidentally offend dwarves by the time she was 13. She learned to easily offend dwarves?  I don't know too much about peddling, but is this the normal habbit of mercantile intercouse with dwarves?

     As a twelve year old, the little terror Funny, but why a little terror? I thought she had grown more manageable watched some bodyguards practice; though they all refused to explain or show her how to use a weapon (fearing the pain her injury I'm assuming you meant "father"  :D would cause them). Gahlid negotiated with her, and Melanie found herself the owner of a well trained Rusik.  Why do these things relate?  The bodyguards wouldn't teach her to use a sword, she got a horse?  Maybe explain a little more that she really wanted to learn to fight, or that she only mildly wanted to learn but wanted a horse even more, and haggled her way into one. To her father's dismay she named the dark reddish brown stallion, Dirt. Haha...

     Wanting to show Gahlid just how great his little girl was, she was rarely seen for almost two weeks. Huh?  Did Melanie want to show him, or someone else?  And how does this make her leave for two weeks?  Wouldn't her father be worried if she just...disappeared? During that time the little red haired girl (whose red hair was a bit darker now) demanded and received never ending lessons on how to care for Dirt from whom?. Even better Why better? , when she reemerged, Melanie still spent hours each day with the Rusik and not finding new ways to torment her father. Ok, I think I get it.  She gets the horse and it occupies her enough to keep her out of her father's hair.  Those were a confusing couple of paragraphs.

     As a 14 year old Melanie discovered one task she would never be good at (there were plenty of others but she hadn’t encountered them yet). As a child she recalled helping Tavari cook and decided to learn how to. The older girl was banned from even entering the circle holding the cooking fire. Melanie threw a fit over the exile; the burner of food was convinced she could get it right eventually. Gahlid upheld the ‘cook’s’ (really just a guard with more talent than the rest) decision, for the sake of his stomach. Haha...

     At 15 Melanie was still childish about getting her way, since she got it so often. Really?  I hadn't gotten that impression.  Maybe mention she got her way more often.Though her father blamed it on her, claimed she was like a wolf chasing her quarry down till they gave up and begged for a quick ending, he had to admit to himself that she was a young woman now and not a little girl. This is because Melanie was, in fact, the age her mother was when Gahlid and Tavari married. Of course, his little girl never looked much like her mother. Not only did Melanie take after her father in behavior but her skin was tanned from travel like his. Tavari dressed like a middle class Erpheronian with a decorated bodice over a long skirt, but Melanie looked like a Centoraurian woman most of the time; she argued that sleeveless dresses were the only easy way to travel.

     Melanie had taken into her mind that she would simply become a merchant like her father. If she married, she married but she never planned on sharing her mother’s fate of remaining home all year long. She quite proudly told her father that she would be as good a merchant as he. Gahlid laughed at her statement, assuming it was a joke and wounding Melanie’s pride. Many battles I don't know, another word besides "battles."  It sounds like they actually come to blows, and that's just not believable. occurred as a result of this wound during Melanie’s 15th and 16th years of life.

     Gahlid’s trip to Rahaz-Dath put a pause in the war but led to the loss of an important battle for Melanie. For 6 months he would traveled without her, while she stayed with a couple in Nyermersys. They were acquaintances with whom had become friends over the weeks in winter that the pair spent in the city. He claimed the trip was too dangerous and that Melanie, who admitted she wasn’t against marriage, needed to find a husband before they were all gone.

     Melanie was furious and decided that if she had to find a husband she’d find one who would never make her stay behind. She met many ‘eligible’ young men, all whose parents had heard how she was raised and were quite against the match. After two months of failure Melanie used her negotiation skills to convince one young man they could be good friends at least. She haggled her way into a friendship?  Or did she convince his parents not to ban her presence entirely from their home?  Or was he so in love with her she had to talk him down?

     Ishtor had a few features that most interested Melanie: he was shy, a bit on the meek side, and knew a bit about sword fighting. It was thus that Melanie learned a second skill that would have otherwise never been hers. Only having 4 months until her father returned, Melanie practiced for 4-5 hours each day. It took 1 month to hold the sword correctly and another 3 to swing any sword with some strategy. So it was that the girl who would be a merchant learned how to at least avoid killing herself with her own sword.

     The trip was a huge success and Gahlid, feeling the need to somehow make peace with his stubborn daughter, purchased a few presents for her Where did he purchase them?  While in the Rahaz-Dath?. The biggest gift by far was another pet for Melanie. Remembering the peace brought about by the purchase of Dirt, though the name still caused him to shudder a bit this part is unnecessary, the merchant purchased a Ly’caón. Gahlid was assured the golden-yellow canine, with spots of white and black, would be a fine and loyal companion.

     Melanie did not disappoint her father.  Her initial fit over having been left behind slowly became an investigation on everything Gahlid knew about Ly’caóns. The 16 year old proceeded to carry Dathar is that what she named him? around for weeks and when the family began traveling again, she doted on the male canine.  Question.  How would a Ly'caon, adapted to a desert environment, fare in the much cooler temperatures of Nyermersys, or, since she takes him traveling, coastal towns or wooded areas?  Just something to think about.

     Not quite a year later Dathar was his full 4.2 hebs and he could always be found shadowing Melanie. For the now auburn haired woman, Dathar and Dirt were her two accomplices and confidants. Gahlid and Malanie rarely spoke about anything important, for it never ended well. Most of the trips taken at that time were meant for feeling out the market for goods from Northern Santharia, a trip he’d never allow his daughter to take. Make it clearer that he doesn't take her into Northern Sarvonia; up until then I assumed they were traveling together again.
Doesn't need to be a new paragraph.
     What caused the most problems between the two was the added tension of Melanie telling her father he was making a mistake. Not just leaving her, which was a terrible mistake that she expected Gahlid to make, but by making promises and taking money for journeys with too many risks. Why is this a mistake?  Isn't part of the merchant's job to travel into dangerous lands to gain more product and clients?

     Of course, it would have been better had she used the word mistake rather than the phrase 'a foolish gambler betting on the fights of chimeras.' This statement held a bit of truth, as Gahlid was feeling invincible after his success of Rahaz-Dath. Had her merchant father been less arrogant or considered his daughter a woman afraid of losing everything, he may have not retorted that Melanie was not strong enough or smart enough to ever be a merchant. Further, he would not have implied that only one worthy of being a merchant would understand that he was funding the trip the only way possible. I don't understand how he's funding it, or why it's the only way possible...or what the trip is...

     The day of Gahlid’s departure the two managed to swallow their pride for a few touching moments. Melanie advised her father, with a laugh and tears in her eyes, that he had better come back so that she could prove to him yet, that she was capable of being as great a merchant as he. While Gahlid promised to bring back his only child a Mari wof cub, for only that wolf could compare with his daughter's tenacity.

     Melanie was left with the Nyermersysian house her mother had once lived in, enough coin to last the year the trip would take (plus a little extra in case of delays), one female servant loaned from friends of the family, and three of the body guards her father trusted most. She also had Dirt and Dathar, as well as a small warehouse holding all the equipment for land travel her father did not take with him.

     A year and month lather, Melanie, now 19, was quite anxious. Her father was rarely late from a date he set, usually no more than a week. A month later her life flipped upside down when Ishtor showed up on her door step. They had kept in touch Maybe introduce this fact earlier.  The sudden reappearance of Ishtor is a little jarring.  Also, how does Melanie feel about his coming back into her life?  Has she enjoyed the correspondence, dreaded each letter, hoped that he would in fact reappear while she was in Nyermersys? but the news he brought was terrible. Not only would her father not be coming home, but his pre-paying customers would be making quick time to get their share of his possessions.

     Melanie was not a stupid woman; she had feared but not actively planned for this fate then entire year. Shortly after her father left, in a fit of anger, Melanie listed all that needed to be done in the case of this failure. She had since forgotten the list but the news brought it into her mind. Her memory is fuzzy at this time as panic and a grief struggled for dominance. Somehow she managed to grab her father’s strong box and the money in it (now about 5 goldbards), clothing, and some of her mother’s jewelry.

     With tears in her eyes Melanie bid Dirt farewell, taking instead a brown Southern Draught Horse with a lovely tan mane. Ishtor pressed a bag of coins into her hand, claiming they would pay the difference of a Rusik to Draught trade.  Why would she abandon her fine horse?  Did she fear that the clients would come to collect him?  And why is the amount of gold that specific amount--is she going to buy another Rusik?  That doesn't make much sense, if she already has a Rusik.  Also, where did Ishtor get the money?

     At her father’s warehouse she managed to free a light weight cart and with the help of her new horse Straw, Melanie fled into the night. The next evening, when Straw was too tired to push much further, the green eyed woman looked into her belongings as her brain began to function more. To her great surprise, Melanie found a Centoraurian short sword tucked into the bag.

     Laughter at Ishtor’s ‘sneakiness’ turned to tears and sobs.  When did he have a chance to do that? With tracks of moisture still on her cheeks, Melanie began to recreate herself. She advised Dathar that she would from now on be Amaria. After all, she was told by her own father she was like an Ashmarian, or rather Mari... When did he tell her this?  If she's going to rename herself after something her father says, he should say it to her often.

     For three rather rough years, Amaria learned the routines involved in selling goods to those used to doing without. Almost all of her mother's jewelry was used to survive the lean years, while her father's and Ishtor's coin were used to purchase goods to sell. She worked out traveling paths which kept her from Nyermersys and generally avoided the Aelyvian Sea and its coast Why stay away from the coast?  Isn't a lot of trading done there?. Just as she grew used to her life, Dathar, her only protector, and the last member of her 'original' family, died. Oh no!  cry

     The canine was just past his prime, still strong, and he died fighting a thief whose knife managed to cause too much damage. The thief fled after dislodging the dog, a coward who had planned to rob Amaria in her sleep. For a day the woman struggled to save Dathar. Another day was spent burying him, with dried blood and tears on her face. This was followed by a month of intense sorrow. Trading still occurred but Amaria tried much less and made very little. She also parted with her mother's bracelet (the last of the jewelry) to repair her wagon during that time.  I think the stabbing of the dog is a little much.  Just him having grown old and tired--dogs in Medieval times didn't have Iams or anything to help them live longer, so I'm sure a shorter lifespan is feasible--and dying is sad enough, especially when he's such a loyal companion.  Grieving is acceptable, of course, though maybe not for a month.  Also, the selling of the bracelet is an unnecessary fact, since the bracelet is not something particularly precious to Amaria.

      Almost a year later, the peddler found a new protector. She found that without Dathar, protecting herself and wagon was twice as hard. So when she was in a village and managed to purchase the skin of an Ilaról wolf, Amaria’s ears caught the fact that another wolf had been killed. The mate of the skin she bought was a female who had given birth recently.

     Expressing concern over the presence of a pack in the area, the auburn haired woman discovered the two were runts and there was no pack.  Amaria began to plan something big, she overpaid slightly for some meat recently dried. Cornering the hunters with avid interest, the peddler got all the details she could. Where the hunters killed the pair of wolves and where they had been previously... A little unnecessary.  She was buying the skin of a wolf and overheard there was another wolf who had given birth and there was also a pack nearby?  Wow, that's quite a bit for this.  Maybe just have her happen upon the wolf pup, with a mother who died giving birth to them.  This would provide her a bond with the wolf--her own mother died giving birth--as well as providing her a dead wolf that she could take into town and have skinned to sell.  Having two wolf runts meet and mate seems unlikely, since they are such social animals and usually only the top male and female Ilarol mate each season; but if one female wolf runt is harrassed and impregnated by the top male (it happens in some animal societies), then leaves due to the shunning of the rest of the pack, it's perfectly feasible that she could have a litter and die in labor.    Right now the process for Amaria to get the wolf pup, overhearing shopkeeps, hounding hunters, buying meat, tracking wolf pups--as well as the fact that Ilarol fur is quite rare and for her to just happen upon some in a market--seems a little overcomplicated and unlikely.

     With thoughts racing through her head (including that the rather large fur she had was a ‘runt’ Mithral Wolf) Amaria set out to find the cubs if she could. It took 3 full days to find the cubs, by that time all but one had died. See above note With the patience of a mother and the enthusiasm her father once joked over, Amaria coaxed the cub back to life. Is she so intent on doing this because she misses Dathar, or because, pragmatically, she needs protection for her cart and figures a wolf is best suited for it?  Or is it some long-hidden motherly instinct?  It was malnourished and needed to stay close to a heat source at all times. Rigging a sling to keep the pup warm against her, the peddler carefully buried its less fortunate siblings.

     It took a month before Silver could walk alone and two months before the pup could eat properly. Amaria hid the canine, then just at a heb, in his sling still against her. She taught the pup to stay still while in the sling, protecting him from those she traded with.

     Once Silver was too big for the sling, a few months later It really took that long for him to grow too big?  Don't wolves get big fast?  I know regular dogs of comparative adult size can grow too big to carry within a few weeks., Amaria made the canine a bed on the cart. She slowly weaned the animal from staying with her and soon the wolf was quite happy with his bed. As the wolf grew stronger and more energetic, Amaria allowed him to run alongside the cart and even to practice hunting.

     Many rodents met with their end to the exuberant wolf. Amaria could not help but laugh at the triumphant ‘look at me’ expressions on Silver’s face. She even allowed him to keep his kills to himself, not wanting to eat a rodent. Silver’s hardest learned lesson was that many things were not to be hunted. It was Straw who taught him this with her foot.

     Amaria further expanded the lesson by teaching Silver a command to hunt and thus no command, no hunt.  Huh?  This is a little confusing, "thus no command, no hunt."  Does that mean if she didn't command him to take something down, he didn't go after it, or that she had a specific command for him to leave things alone?  During this time the peddler was traveling and selling, she hid the presence of the Mithral wolf from her customers. So we come to the end of her tale thus far.

Weapons:
     Amaria possesses an inexpensive Centoraurian short sword, which either hangs by her side, attached by a leather belt andhidden by her dress/cloak; or rests under her seat on the wagon. You already described where the sword hangs in her clothing section; no need to retell it here.  She has also been known to have a mildly sharp dagger in her pocket, but she knows how to use it about as well as she might use a kitchen knife while burning dinner. Ha, nice tie-in.

Belongings:
     Her biggest assets are her belongings she has  Unnecessary; just list them. a horse, a wolf, a wagon, two sturdy and lockable boxes (one ornate and one plain). The ornate box holds her savings (enough to purchase a fine horse) over the past 7 years in the form of coins and tiny, uncut, obviously flawed gems. She keeps the gems as a reminder of her past instead of selling them Why?  I thought everything fine went to sell; she even sold her mother's jewelry.  These seem to be just random gems she found along the way; what special connotations do they have for her?  Also, why an ornate box?  Wouldn't she want to sell that also?. The other box holds enough to make change and purchase goods (generally 100 san). Included with the change is a little book and old writing utensil , which she uses as a leger.  What kind of writing utensil?  A quill and inkwell? It is a quick way for her to watch for major inconsistencies and new opportunities.  She also has a Centoraurian short sword and a box on her wagon of semi valuable goods including Miyu beans (numbing pain), sweet slip oil (a few tiny containers), and dried Kauje beans. Other items are frequently in her possession but change as she travels. For rough times she keeps some dried prickle peas.  You may want to, like in strengths and weaknesses, think of listing these things, then follow each one with a few explanatory sentences.

Familiars: 
     On her travels Amaria has just two companions: a brown and tan Southern Draught Horse named Straw (in honor of her name for Dirt many years ago) and a Mithral Wolf named Silver. The two are quite suited for their tasks.  Straw is 4.5 fores tall and 180 hebs and Silver 2 fores tall, a ped long, and is a pygge heft. Straw is a middle aged (9.5 years old), healthy draught horse with a gentle nature. In fact only once has she expressed displeasure and that was by kicking Silver for biting her tail. Silver was hand raised by Amaria as she traveled. He has not been socialized as Amaria has not known anybody she wants Silver to trust besides herself and Straw. As such Silver is a little wild but mostly only when it comes to protecting his territory, in this case the wagon. In populated areas Silver is left on the wagon and will not leave, Amaria is defenseless except for her short sword.

Phewf!  Ok.  Told you I was nitpicky.  ;)  Anyway, I think overall this is a very well-written CD.  There are some grammar errors, mainly in the punctuation department, and a few sentences that could flow smoother, but the actual content and research is thorough and well done.  I have a good idea of who Amaria is and where she comes from, as well as where she's going.  She does seem a tad unbalanced--pride and bad cooking skills vs. wits, intelligence, a trained wolf, and a (however ill-handled) shortsword--but these are easily fixed.  I'd like to see some of the details I mentioned fleshed out, but I'm terribly picky and not a mod, so it's not necessary.  Also, kind of random, but you say that Ishtor was one of the most important people in her life, but he hardly seems to be a factor at all.  They are good friends, then he disappears except to tell her her father is (presumably) dead and to give her some money.  This doesn't seem to be a very defining relationship for her.  You could have more of it, or simply de-emphasize his importance.  Any other comments are already in the CD.  Good luck, it's coming along beautifully!
Logged

"They'll build a statue of us, then later say it's all our fault."

"Wherever you go, you have your rump behind you."
Kelancey the Green
White Nehtorian/Dalorin
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 617


Human, Erpheronian


Homepage
« Reply #14 on: February 03, 2007, 04:21:49 AM »

  Amaria, forgive me for beating an old drum, but consider rechecking your S&W.

Strengths:
  • Holding a sword, looking like you know how to use it, isn't necessarily a Strength, just a quirk or personality trait.
  • Though wolves can be territorial, I'd sooner accept a wolf protecting his owner than protecting a cart.
  • A good mind is more than just one strength; break this into individual strengths:
         (1) Read, write, speak various dialects,
         (2) Charismatic, good at subterfuge and duplicity,
         (3) Able to size people up, gauge their wealth and social status,
         (4) Limited knowledge of herbalism.

Weaknesses:
  Though she's not one of our resident forest troll bounty hunter/assassins, she still has some respectable strengths, which aren't balanced with the weaknesses you've chosen.  Pride is good, but this is a minor weakness as you've written it now.  Burnt dinner is a minor weakness, at most.  Kelancey can barely boil water, and burns himself doing it.
  • How about "distances herself emotionally from strangers"?
  • "Stubborn and inflexible about her business travels"?
  • "Garrulous, which is a put-off to people who prefer brief communication"?

  This is where I'd suggest focusing your effort for the moment.
Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Pages: [1]   Go Up
Print
Jump to:  

Recent Posts
[February 12, 2021, 07:16:33 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:51 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:21 AM]

[October 05, 2020, 02:58:40 PM]

[March 19, 2020, 03:47:44 AM]

[July 23, 2019, 07:02:29 PM]

[July 23, 2019, 07:02:23 PM]

[June 19, 2018, 12:49:51 PM]

[April 28, 2018, 03:44:22 AM]

[April 13, 2018, 06:36:29 AM]
Members
Total Members: 2847
Latest: DizzyKitt
Stats
Total Posts: 214561
Total Topics: 8051
Online Today: 40
Online Ever: 216
(November 30, 2006, 09:08:03 AM)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 33
Total: 33

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx