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Author Topic: Jeréth Ancalídormis, Hunter/Healer (Old)  (Read 24285 times)
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Prince Erebus
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« Reply #30 on: January 19, 2007, 06:07:59 AM »

i'm taking all comments into account but my good high goddess! your more vicious than a solar dragon!
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Lesalendral
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« Reply #31 on: January 19, 2007, 06:17:43 AM »

Well, after I did a little research on the problems I had seen, I found that they are no longer problems now. Thats what happens when your gone for a year, whatever the reason.
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Prince Erebus
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« Reply #32 on: January 19, 2007, 06:42:24 AM »


You are not Kuglimz. I need to know why a Kuglimz warhorse was given to you. The elves wont use them, read up one the horses history.
Quote from The Mélad'rhím Page:::::

They also keep a few kev'lor horses that are well tended to......

..... the favoured weapon then the elf must trade for one and they can be obtained by the Kuglimz..... ::::::unquote there.
they do have kev'lor horses.
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Prince Erebus
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« Reply #33 on: January 31, 2007, 08:23:47 AM »

i could use some more help... just make sure you check before you comment as i may have changed it already... thank you.
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Kelancey the Green
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« Reply #34 on: February 06, 2007, 07:43:35 AM »

  Salutations, Bounty Hunter Jereth!  Forgive me for not commenting sooner; you had the comment on your CD that your were still revising, and I wanted to wait till you had finished.
Please take no offense from my comments, colored green.

Not finished so please hold you're comments for a day or two
--Name:...........Jeréth Ancalídormis
--Age:.............367 years old.
looks: 32 years old
knowledge & training: 44 year old
maximum: 600 years.

--Height:..........2.2 Peds
--Weight:.........2.8 Pygees
--Race: .......... Elf
--Tribe:............Mélad'rhím
--Eyes: ............Predominantly silver but contains red and blue on inside and outside.
(If you'll pardon the intrusion of Terran concepts here: Red irises on Earth signify either a pigmentation defect or a connective tissue disorder, as in arteries rupture spontaneously, bones fracture easily, joints may dislocate with slight injuries...I think "variegated gray" could look similar to what you're describing without sounding unnatural.  :))
--Hair: ............. 16 inch ("4 palmspans" sounds more Santharian, don't you think?) white hair
--Skin: .............Very Pale
--Occupation:....Bounty Hunter
--Title:.............The Hand of Armeros
--Weapon:.......Sparth Spear called Quicktongue
--Mount/Familiar: Wraithkin (Kev'lor Warhorse)

(Order of sections rearranged thus:
Physical Appearance
Clothing
Personality
History
Strengths
Weaknesses
Weapon
Belongings
Familiar/Steed)


Quote
----Physical: Athletic body with powerful limbs. tattoos of interlocking lines on upper arms, tattoo of interlocking lines on his lower chest, just north of his naval, and a line tattoo of a Dravilonia on his upper chest. many battle scars with many causes covering upper arms, chest, legs, and one large scar on his left cheekbone.
Please provide more details!  Facial description, musculature, posture, general impression from looking at him, etc.

----Clothes: 1/10 inch thick Black-Leather leggings with inner fur linings for warmth and Iron boots with Black-Leather linings. Fine iron chain-mail to help turn away arrows underneath a Black Leather [hyphen omitted] Vest with inner fur linings. iron bracers with spines on the outer-forearm to catch sword swings.
First, please use all lowercase letters except at the beginning of a sentence and for proper nouns (Jereth, Wraithkin, etc.).  Second, please provide more detail!  How does he actually look wearing his clothes?  I like that you provide functions of some of the personal touches, now tell me how he looks wearing his armor.

----Personality: Very intelligent with kindness and compassion, very respectful, often never talks around others unless spoken to (unless it is a woman). grim humor and a love for the ladies (adours high-beauty (how about "beautiful"?) elves).  He is thought to be a bit of a womanizer although no one can prove it.
(1) High intelligence should definitely be included in your Strengths.
(2) Why doesn't he talk around others unless spoken to?  Is he aloof, seeing himself as intellectually superior?  Is he focused, and doesn't want to disrupt his train of thought?  Use descriptive phrases to enhance his attitude this way.
(3) The phrase "although no one can prove it" seems unnecessary.
(4) Again, provide more detail!  This is perhaps just as, if not more, important as your History.


----History: Jeréth had an odd childhood, for one he can’t remember most of it because he got a cold at 5 and lost most of his memories prior to it and slightly after it but other than that he was unaffected. (Run-on sentence, please break into 3 sentences.)  He learned early that no one would help him if he was worthless when battle came upon them (who's "them"?) so he began to have his father teach him how to use spears. (This sentence doesn't make sense; please clarify how he learned his worth)  gathering nuts, fruits, or berries was a bore so he'd go hunting once an a while in secret so his mother wouldn't find out....
There are many grammatical errors in here: Punctuation, capitalization, run-ons.  Please go through and correct these.

----Strengths----
--Stealth: Jereth is quite capable of disappearing with a smoke pellet and reappearing somewhere else, say, behind you.
--Wilderness Survivalist: Having grown up traveling from place to place with his tribe,[comma] he has learned to live off the land proficiently.
--Spear: Grew up hunting or fishing with spears,[comma] but he began learning the ways of battle at 34 years of age.
--Tracking: he's very good at tracking due to his origins (This is not sufficient explanation, please describe in more detail.)

----Weaknesses----
--Mélad'rhím Nomadic Lifestyles: Due to Mélad'rhím lifestyles he often is overwhelmed by large cities and their large population and will get lost for hours on end. he can't remain in one place for too long or he will begin to hallucinate, eventually becoming paranoid, and sooner or later he'll start attacking others unprovoked.
(This doesn't seem a fitting reaction from an elf whose tribe thinks in communal terms.  He may not like being in big cities, but randomly attacking people without provocation is not in line with his upbringing.)
--Nearsighted, figuratively: lives in the now, poor at planning longterm, doesn't think anything through so he makes crucial mistakes. (Such as...?)

Weapon Description: Jeréth’s spear has a rough but very very sharp triangular head made of Steel with very small shards of obsidian, pointed slightly towards the tip, are screwed into the head which aloow for a quick repair, since Jeréth has a large bag of them. (What is this bag made of, that he could carry several obsidian heads without the bag tearing open?)  The shaft is made of hard wood that has been sanded down to its core to remove imperfections. A thin layer of goat fat covers the shaft to prevent damage from water that can spoil the wood. intricate Carvings of the blessing of Armeros are engraved down its entire length and filled with silver caps adding grip. (This sentence is somewhat abstruse.  Please separate the carvings from the grip as two separate sentences.)  As spearheads tend to get caught in the flesh, muscle and bones of their enemy, Jeréth had a back cut on it to remove this annoying side-effect due to the head's design value, which is substantial.

----Belongings: his leather and iron armor, his Steel sparth spear he calls Quicktongue, a large bag of coins, and a silver chain necklace that belonged to his mother.

---Familiar/Mount Description: Black Kev'lor Warhorse with silver mane, tail and lower hair on legs. red eyes. 6 fores high. about 245 hebs.  Wraithkin, his Black Kev'lor Warhorse. bred for him by his tribe at a the end of his 20th winter.
 

  Okay, good sir, I'd advise you to start by mopping up technical things: Punctuation, unnecessary capital letters, run-on sentences, and unclear wording.  Once you've scrubbed these up, I'll check back to see how it's coming.  Good luck!
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"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
lukecash
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« Reply #35 on: February 06, 2007, 09:27:42 AM »

I would myself like to see more out of his personality, because it seems that everyone wants to give a person a general type of personality, and there a few main types that i see commonly. The point is, that it is quite too simple, as any person who looks simplistic has much depth and intellect and philosophies under that fleshy exterior. You gave a decent description, but it doesn't seem anywhere near a work of art. Tell us some of his deeper thoughts, such as how he sees others as lower than himself secretly, and that reflects upon the way he acts often. Or you could state that he has a harmless air inside, and much wisdom stored within, which means he tends to make good decisions and is very humble in his manner, although it pains him to see the degenerate filth around him that has no true intelligence or self control, harmful beasts running about killing without pity, and somehow never reflecting upon their true natures inside and the fact that the things they do destroy them inside and give a reverse effect upon enlightenment.



That might be a bit too complex for you, since it would make the cd take quite a while, but i think i gave a good example of how deep a personification of the usually dull, lifeless character you see, which hardly reflects the person role playing, who seems to have not brought much of themselves into their work. But i do accept that it is wrong to completely copy yourself into a different exterior without any unique properties, and it is very stimulating to play a person with a more insane, or hateful approach to others...
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #36 on: February 06, 2007, 11:12:12 AM »

There is nothing wrong with playing an average person with no "unique" personality traits.
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
lukecash
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« Reply #37 on: February 06, 2007, 01:47:59 PM »

It was just a suggestion for a sense of colour to the character, to give a personification of the usually dull roleplaying character's mind...
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faresishaq
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« Reply #38 on: February 07, 2007, 03:05:20 AM »

Not finished so please hold you're comments for a day or two
--Name:...........Jeréth Ancalídormis
--Age:.............367 years old.
looks: 32 years old
knowledge & training: 44 year old
maximum: 600 years.

--Height:..........2.2 Peds
--Weight:.........2.8 Pygees
--Race: .......... Elf
--Tribe:............Mélad'rhím
--Eyes: ............Predominantly silver but contains red and blue on inside and outside.
--Hair: ............. 16 inch white hair
--Skin: .............Very Pale
--Occupation:....Bounty Hunter
--Title:.............The Hand of Armeros
--Weapon:.......Sparth Spear called Quicktongue
--Mount/Familiar: Wraithkin (Kev'lor Warhorse)

Weapon Description: Jeréth’s spear has a rough but very very sharp triangular head made of Steel with very small shards of obsidian, pointed slightly towards the tip, are screwed into the head which aloow for a quick repair, since Jeréth has a large bag of them. The shaft is made of hard wood that has been sanded down to its core to remove imperfections. A thin layer of goat fat covers the shaft to prevent damage from water that can spoil the wood. intricate Carvings of the blessing of Armeros are engraved down its entire length and filled with silver caps adding grip. As spearheads tend to get caught into the flesh, muscle and bones of their enemy, Jeréth had a back cut on it to remove this annoying side-effect due to the head's design value, which is substantial.

---Mount Description: Black Kev'lor Warhorse with silver mane, tail and lower hair on legs. red eyes. 6 fores high. about 245 hebs.

----History: Jeréth had an odd childhood, for one he can’t remember most of it because he got a cold at 5 and lost most of his memories prior to it and slightly after it but other than that he was unaffected. He learned early that no one would help him if he was worthless when battle came upon them so he began to have his father teach him how to use spears. gathering nuts, fruits, or berries was a bore so he'd go hunting once an a while in secret so his mother wouldn't find out.

   He grew adept at tracking and herblore at a young age because of his tribes need for a new alchemist to make remedies or potions for some common things. near his 23 winter he incountered some human children hiding from a Argothin bear, for they had tryed to kill one of her cubs. he tried to scare the bear by throwing rocks at it but it wouldn't back down. he said a quick prayer to Arvins so that he could watch over the cubs for the mothers death.

    he grabed one of his spears and hurled at the bear, which missed and angered her further. she turned then charged Jeréth , he grabbed another spear and throw it with all his might at the bear. the spear entered the bear's shoulder, making her fall on her left side breaking the spear off in the wound and driving it deeper. Jeréth turned and threw up after the bear stopped moving. he took his last spear and ended the bear quickly, as she was still breathing. after he got the children were returned to their homes, the Kuglimz thanked him and gave him a small amount of cloth, leather, some Alth'mon, and 10 sparth spears for his family as a thank you for his deeds. he thanked them and wished them fairwell.

   When he reached his 43th birthday he gained his first horse, Wraith, his Black Kev'lor Warhorse that had been bred for him by the Kuglimz so that he could travel sarvonian if he wanted to. he had the horse trained for battle for 4 years after it got bigger. he left after his 48th birthday. With his horse, he left his tribe on his first real adventure.

   He traveled south and began hunting and tracking bounties for a living. he accepted such a job because he believes that justice must and will be served. He traveled for 6 years towards Cholian lands to learn of their ways and to improve on his 3 sparth spears he took with him. he learned varius designs while learning with them and learned how to throw them correctly in the manner they did. he also learned how to make them and repair them after battles. after experimenting with the head he designed his current style, it utalized shards of obsidian screwed into the head to give it a serrated appeal. he stayed away from the meat of the jakécha fish because he didn't wish to become addicted to its appeal, although he did have it once or twice, which let to him thrown out of the current Maja's hut after being caught with his daughters. he got in hugh trouble for this and they nearly threw him out of their village. he begged for forgiveness and was pardoned for the event, he later found out that the two daughters had actually got him out of trouble, he thanked them later for it.

----Clothes: 1/10 inch thick Black-Leather leggings with inner fur linings for warmth and Iron boots with Black-Leather linings. Fine iron chain-mail to help turn arrows underneath a Black-Leather Vest with inner fur linings. iron bracer's with spines on the outer-forearm to catch sword swings.

----Physical: Athletic body with powerful limbs. tattoos of interlocking lines on upper arms, tattoo of interlocking lines on his lower chest, just north of his naval, and a line tattoo of a Dravilonia on his upper chest. many battle scars with many causes covering upper arms, chest, legs, and one large scar on his left cheekbone.

----Personality: Very intelligent with kindness and compassion, very respectful, often never talks around others unless spoken to (unless it is a woman). grim humor and a love for the ladies (adours high-beauty elves). thought to be a bit of a womanizer although no one can prove it.

----Strengths----
--Stealth: Jereth is quite capable of disappearing with a smokepellet and reappearing somewhere else, say, behind you.
--Wilderness Survivalist: Having grown up traveling from place to place with his tribe he has learned to live off the land proficiently.
--Spear: Grew up hunting or fishing with spears but he began learning the ways of battle at 34 years.
--Tracking: he's very good at tracking due to his origins

----Weaknesses----
--Mélad'rhím Nomadic Lifestyles: Due to Mélad'rhím lifestyles he often is overwhelmed by large cities and their large population and will get lost for hours on end. he can't remain in one place for too long or he will begin to hallucinate, eventually becoming paranoid, and sooner or later he'll start attacking others unprovoked.
--Nearsighted, figuratively: lives in the now, poor at planning longterm, doesn't think anything through so he makes crucial mistakes.

----Familiars: Wraithkin, his Black Kev'lor Warhorse. bred for him by his tribe at a the end of his 20th winter.

----Belongings: his leather and iron armor, his Steel sparth spear he calls Quicktongue, a large bag of coins, and a silver chain necklace that belonged to his mother.
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Prince Erebus
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« Reply #39 on: February 07, 2007, 01:11:23 PM »

There is nothing wrong with playing an average person with no "unique" personality traits.

That was sort of what i was going for but he's just a quiet, straight-to-the-point guy with little voice in him unless necessary.
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Prince Erebus
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« Reply #40 on: February 11, 2007, 08:38:52 AM »

Comments Awaiting
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #41 on: February 11, 2007, 08:40:11 AM »

I will get to you later tonight ^.^

I have a list of people I am going to do checks for <3
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Prince Erebus
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« Reply #42 on: February 12, 2007, 08:16:41 PM »

ok
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #43 on: February 18, 2007, 11:55:09 AM »

--Name:...........Jeréth Ancalídormis
--Age:.............367 years old.
looks: 32 years old
knowledge & training: 44 year old
maximum: 600 years.

{The writing in green is not necessary in your CD. Its for your comparison needs only.}

--Height:..........2.2 Peds
--Weight:.........2.8 Pygees
--Race: .......... Elf
--Tribe:............Mélad'rhím
--Eyes: ............Predominantly silver but contains blue
--Hair: ............. 4 palmspans of white hair
--Skin: .............Very Pale
--Occupation:....Bounty Hunter
--Title:.............The Hand of Armeros
--Weapon:.......Sparth Spear called Quicktongue
--Mount/Familiar: Wraithkin (Kev'lor Warhorse)

Weapon Description: Jeréth’s spear has a rough but very very sharp triangular head made of steel with very small shards of obsidian, pointed slightly towards the tip, are screwed into the head which allow for a quick repair, since Jeréth has a large bag of them. {This is a run-on sentence and doesn't really make a lot of sense. You can easily break it into at least 2 sentences for easier reading and understanding.} The shaft is made of hard wood that has been sanded down to its core to remove imperfections.{Maybe pick out a specific type of hard wood, as certain woods make better weapons than others.} A thin layer of goat fat covers the shaft to prevent water damage from water that can spoil the wood. Intricate carvings of the Blessing of Armeros are engraved down its entire length and filled with silver caps adding grip. As spearheads tend to get caught into the flesh, muscle, and bones of their enemy, Jeréth had a back cut on it to remove this annoying side-effect due to the head's design value, which is substantial.

----History: Jeréth had an odd childhood. For one, he can’t remember most of it because he got a cold at the age of 5, losing most of his memories prior to it and slightly after, it but other than that he was unaffected. He learned early that no one would help him if he was worthless when battle came upon them, {This is an interesting concept. Tribe members tend to work together to help all of them, especially to protect women and children as they are key to the tribe's ultimate survival.}so he began to have his father teach him how to use spears. Gathering nuts, fruits, or berries was a bore so he'd go hunting once and a while in secret so his mother wouldn't find out.{This is very curious behavior. But perhaps it is not quite worded right and I am misunderstanding what you are explaining. How old his he now in the second portion of this paragraph? It is usually customary for fathers to train their sons in weaponry at a young age, especially if it is a survival trait such as hunting.}

   He grew adept at tracking and herblore at a young age because of his tribes need for a new alchemist to make remedies or potions for some common things. Near his 23 winter, he encountered some human children hiding from a Argrothin bear, for they had tried to kill one of her cubs that had run off. He tried to scare the bear off by throwing rocks at it, but it wouldn't back down. He said a quick prayer to Arvins so that he could watch over the cubs after the mothers death.

He grabbed one of his spears and hurled at the bear, which missed and only angered her further. She turned then charged Jeréth {no space here}, he grabbed another spear and threw it with all his might at the bear. I would think that since she was charging him, he would simply hold the spear still like a spike, and allow her to run herself upon it as she attacked him. The spear entered the bear's shoulder, making her fall on her left side and breaking the spear off in the wound and driving it deeper. Jeréth turned and threw up after the bear stopped moving. This is an interesting action, especially if you are a hunter.He took his last spear and ended the bear quickly, as she was still breathing. After he got the children were returned to their homes. The Kuglimz You should have mentioned the tribe earlier thanked him and gave him a small amount of cloth, leather, some Alth'mon, and 10 sparth spears for his family as a thank you gift for his deeds. He thanked them and wished them farewell.

   When he reached his 43th birthday he received his first horse, Wraith, his Black Kev'lor Warhorse that had been bred for him by the Kuglimz so that he could travel Sarvonia no "n" if he wanted to. He had the horse trained for battle for 4 years after it matured. He left his home after his 48th birthday. With his horse, he left his tribe on his first real adventure.

   He traveled south and began hunting and tracking bounties for a living. He accepted such a jobs because he believes that justice must and will be served. He traveled for 6 years towards Cholian lands to learn of their ways and to improve on his 3 sparth spears he took with him. He learned various designs while training with them and learned how to throw them correctly in the manner they did. He also learned how to make them and repair them after battles. After experimenting with the head, he designed his current style. It utilized shards of obsidian screwed into the head to give it a serrated appeal. He stayed away from the meat of the jakécha fish because he didn't wish to become addicted to its appeal, although he did have it once or twice, which led to him being thrown out of the current Maja's hut after being caught with his daughters. He got in huge trouble for this and they nearly threw him out of their village. He begged for forgiveness and was pardoned for the event. He later found out that the two daughters had actually got him out of trouble, he thanked them later for it.



~~~I am going to stop there for now, as there are plenty of things for you to read over and correct. Please please PLEASE capitalize the beginning of every sentence. This is an elementary concept, so I shouldn't have to be correcting it for every sentence you write.~~~
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
Nai'r en'Lina ar'Kaimel
Prince Erebus
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« Reply #44 on: February 22, 2007, 07:05:36 AM »

I have currently edited it. I would like a moderator's help finishing a part that has me stuck. no comments other than ones from moderators for now. thank you!
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