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Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Glásáj Raház // Sevari // Thief  (Read 5265 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 19

« Reply #30 on: January 30, 2007, 10:16:14 PM »


World Domination!
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 19

« Reply #31 on: February 02, 2007, 08:43:30 AM »


World Domination!
Kelancey the Green
White Nehtorian/Dalorin
Approved Character
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 617

Human, Erpheronian

« Reply #32 on: February 02, 2007, 08:47:26 AM »

  Glasaj, I feel your pain.  I languished for days, sometimes, hoping someone would notice me.  Keep the faith, you'll get a mod read-over, just keep your patience up!

  If you don't mind, I'm gonna take some time to read through your CD, then post some comments, okay?

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Kelancey the Green
White Nehtorian/Dalorin
Approved Character
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 617

Human, Erpheronian

« Reply #33 on: February 02, 2007, 10:09:55 AM »

  Glasaj, welcome to Santharia!  (I can see I'm late in hailing you, as is my custom; please excuse me?  I wish I could say it won't happen again, but more than likely... :D)  Be that as it may, please allow me to add my two sans, in lime green.

2 Peds
1.5 Pygges
(Put these above occupation and title, please.)

Occupation, None
Title, Bandit"
What would you say to this?
"Occupation: Bandit, Blade for Hire, et al. ("and others").
Title: (Whatever you want it to be!  I view the title the same way we use titles like 'Dame', 'Senator', or 'Chief Justice'.  It's fine if you want to be addressed as "Bandit Glasaj", but...make her title individual, unique!)

"Physical Appearance,
Like (How about "Epitomizing"?) one of the things her species is known for,[comma] she has snow-pale skin and dark brown eyes. ; hers are a dark brown.  She is tall and slim with curves, a very womanly figure, and practically flawless skin. She has raven colored hair,[comma] usually braided, and incredibly long, hanging to just above her knees. She has quite a few tattoos, most of them black roses. Her lips are usually painted a bright red, her eyelids are usually painted dark purple and her nails are usually painted pitch-black. She is scarred from battle, she's missing her right pinky, and under her left eye is a pale pink slash from a guard's dagger.

She wears a black leather sleeveless shirt that ends just below her chest.[period]  Just like the females of her species are known for, she wears tight-fitting clothes like her black leather pants. She also wears black leather boots and dark purple, almost black, leather gloves. She wears tons of jewelry ("tons" don't exist in Santharia; try "ods"), her wrists are smothered by silver bangles, and her gloved fingers are covered by silver rings some with onyx in them. On her neck she wears a black leather collar-like piece on her neck with a small silver coin dangling from it. Her ears are covered with silver hoop earrings, she has an onyx gemstone on her left eyebrow, and a small silver hoop in her bellybutton (or "navel").

She is mysterious;[semicolon] she doen't like to share her past with anyone.[period]  She's quiet and doesn't talk much, though when she does talk she's usually cold, cruel and sharp (maybe "sharp-tongued"?). She's fierce in battle and doesn't like to fail at anything. She stopped trusting others a long time ago.  When she's drunk, though, she acts totally differently.[period]  Once drunk she usually won't shut up and answers any question asked, she's kind and bubbly, kind of peppy and jumpy.

Strengths And Weaknesses,

1) Incredible Aim With Her Bow And Arrow
2) Good With Her Daggers, Can Pin A Fly To A Wall From 10 Peds Away
3) She Is Nimble-Fingered, Stealthy, And Quick
4) She Uses Her Beauty To Get Close To Men And Relieve Them Of Precious Possessions (this really is a fourth strength)

1) Vain In Battle, Often Underestimates The Opponent
2) She Despises Closed Spaces, And Acts Odd When In Them, She Gets Paranoid In Small Rooms Or Narrow Caves
3) Her Eyesight Is Somewhat Clouded In Daylight
(I might suggest only capitalizing the first letter of the first word in each sentence; just a style thing, not necessary to change.)

Her dark brown eyes glistened happily up into the faces of her parents, she stretched out her short arms for them, laying in the crib. Her mother's dark blue eyes also glimmered, but hers glimmered with tears and sadness. Her father's black eyes were intent, they seemed angry...
[Paragraph]Her mother's face turned to her father's. "Must we?" she asked, her voice quivering.
[Paragraph]He nodded. "I know someone who can watch over her, but we must put our duties first," he said sternly. She nodded and wiped the tears from her dark blue eyes. She bent over and kissed the baby gently on the forehead.
[Paragraph]"Never forget us," she said with a half smile.
[Paragraph]"We must go now," he said and grabbed her arm. The baby closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
(I thoroughly enjoy how you tell so much of Glasaj's story through dialogue!  Please start a new paragraph every time a different speaker says something.)

~5 years later~
She stood at only 1 ped, her black hair up in a bun. "Glásáj," said the woman at the oven.
[Paragraph]"Yes Yráná?" she asked.
[Paragraph]"Can you go up to the town square and get some bread?" Yráná asked. Glásáj nodded and smiled. She walked out of the house, closing the door behind her. She walked down the cobblestone path, she looked at the forest.
[Paragraph] "I'll just take a shortcut..." she mumbled and started through a small section of the forest instead of going around it. She walked for a while, then a man walked in front of her in a dark red cloak, his face and body were concealed. She looked up at him.
[Paragraph]"Glásáj," he said.  [Paragraph]She was taken aback that he knew her name but replied, "Yes?" all the same.
[Paragraph]"Yráná can't fend for you forever, you know, I've been watching over you ever since your parents left. You have progressed much in those few years," he said. 
[Paragraph]She smiled.  "Thank you, sir, but what do you want to tell me?" she asked.
[Paragraph]"You'll have to learn to earn your own money, learn a craft, a jeweler would be a good trade, but thievery's what really earns the gold," he said, then walked off. She got the bread and returned to her home, but Yráná was gone.

~40 years later~
"Cár'scál!" She called through the shop. The tall jeweler walked out of his office and into the room she was working in.
[Paragraph]"Yes?" he asked.
[Paragraph]"Well," she began while cutting a ruby to fit the golden bracelet. "I was wondering if you knew anything about my parents?" she asked.
[Paragraph]Cár'scál's forehead started dripping sweat, he coughed as if choking on something. then he said, "Nope, back to work," he said and quickly scrambled out of the room she was working in. She fit the jewel into the braceket and walked outside, she handed it to the customer,[comma] then walked back in.
[Paragraph]"Cár'scál! I'm going on my break now!" she yelled up to him and walked out of the jewelry shop. 'Thievery's really what earns the gold,' she thought, remembering the man.

~20 years later~
Sae'llán had taken her in,[comma] and in return she would teach Sae'llán to make jewelry. (Who's Sae'llan?  Where'd she come from?  Why would she take in another thief, much less train one?)  "Sae'llán! I'm going out!" she called.  She was a young woman now, and had slowly taught herself to be a thief.  She walked out of the house, and she went up to a merchant stand. (What kind of merchant stand?  A haberdasher?  A shrubber?  A fishmonger?)
[Paragraph]"Mister, is this all you have?" she asked him, looking around the tent.
[Paragraph]"No ma'am," he said grinning, "[quotation mark]let me go get something from the back." he said, and  Just as he turned around she snatched up a set of jeweled daggers and walked off. She walked back to Sae'llán's home. (You have used "walked" a lot; how about "drifted back" or "slunk back"?) 
[Paragraph]Sae'llán smiled happily at her, with a hint of sorrow in her eyes. "Darling," she began. "I think you should go out and travel, this little old town just isn't exciting enough for you," she said. Glásáj was a bit taken aback at first, but then agreed.[period]  She gathered up her things, and went on her way... She passed a man on her way out of the village.[period]  Her fingers nimbly snatched his coin purse from his belt.[period]  She reached up to scratch her cheek and just as she was going to walk out of the village,[comma] a guard slashed his dagger across her face, severing flesh and bone, her pinky falling and a gash under her eye.
[Paragraph]"Return the purse," he snarled. She grimaced in pain, swinging her other hand and grabbing her hand and cheek, dropping the coin purse. She cursed loudly and took off, not waiting for the punishment of the guard.

Just To Clarify
Her Mother was was a Healer and her Father a Warrior in the Military.[period]  At the time she was born they had been sent on a mission;[semicolon] when they didn't return most thought they had died so they didn't speak of it to Glásáj. Her Father had arranged Yráná would look after her until she was ready to leave;[semicolon] what he didn't count on was Yráná's disappearance.[period]  Most thought she had been kidnapped, though in truth, she had been murdered because of a blood feud. Although she learned the trade of jewelry making she gave it up when she went on her journey. How this ties in with her personality, as she was leaving the town she heard people whispering about her parents dying, so she thought the people in the village had lied to her. (This last sentence confuses me.  Could you reword it, please?)

[Paragraph]The man in the cloak was her Father.[period]  Under normal circumstances, a Father wouldn't usually suggest thievery to their child;[semicolon] but,[comma] he saw his wife being killed mercilessly by the enemy, so he Father went insane and they didn't return after their mission.

[Paragraph]Sae'llán sent her on a journey because she had gotten word that her cousin had started a blood fued with another family and she didn't want Glásáj getting killed.

Her belt is filled with knives and daggers, a black quiver filled with black-painted arrows and a black bow

Her custom onyx and silver jewelry, her custom bow, arrows, and quiver

Okay, a valiant start!  Keep revising, and good luck!

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
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