Jokes

[Alassiel Telrúnya]

Salutations to any one who has lost their way and come here. I need jokes. Not old ones like 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' Any joke. It doesn't matter whether the joke is pathetic or not. I'd be interested to learn some new ones, and I have almost nothing else to do.

[Scael Pelegrene]

Do they need to make sense? I've a surreal one....



Q) What has 4 legs, is covered with green fur, and sits in a tree?



A) A pool table.

[Alassiel Telrúnya]

??? does the 'sitting-in-a-tree' part have to do with its being made out of wood?

[Scael Pelegrene]

Hence the surreal part.....

[Alassiel Telrúnya]

oh right.

Anyway, I've got one.

A man's idea of Heaven:

Chinese Food, English Home, American Job, Indian Wife

A man's idea of Hell:

English Food, Chinese Home, Indian Job, American Wife

[Scael Pelegrene]

I prefer the Indian food actually....Chicken Tikka Masala ...Dall Makhani....yum.

[Scael Pelegrene]

Notice how I carefully avoided the American Wife part of the discussion....

Exit stage right even....

[Alassiel Telrúnya]

Lol.

Chinese food was chosen for man's idea of heaven because they have loads of different flavors and varieties in just one meal. We Chinese don't like to starve people! I have an Indian friend. She told me about her first Chinese dinner. Unfortunately, She stuffed herself on the 1st and 2nd courses, not foreseeing the next eight. So she had to sit there and watch all the mouth-watering food passing her by.

[Kelancey the Green]

  I have one, if you don't mind doctor jokes, or jokes about Heaven and Hell...

A pediatrician dies and goes to the Pearly Gates.  He approaches St. Peter, who reviews his life: "Hmm, you helped sick children for many years, and attended worried parents as well.  You may come in."

Next, an obstetrician comes to St. Peter, who tells him: "You welcomed new lives into this world, and helped mothers during their pregnancies.  You may come in."

Then, an HMO executive steps up.  St. Peter tells him, "Wait here a minute," and goes off to consult with 'his people'.

St. Peter returns and tells the executive, "Okay, you can stay for 3 days, then you can go to Hell."

[Alassiel Telrúnya]

  That's a good one. I hadn't heard that one before.

[yalari malea]

btw Alassiel, nice avatar, FF8 rules (that is Rinoah from FF8, right?)

Anyways, the joke - a man dies and goes to hell, and Satan shows him various punishments. 

in room one, he sees a young man, chained to a wall being whipped continuously  . this looks too painful, and he asks Satan to show him the next.

In room two, he sees a middle-aged man, chained to a wall being burned  . Again, the man asks to move on, and Satan shows him room 3.

In room three, there is an old man chained to a wall, and a beautiful woman doing something dirty to him . The man immediately asks for this 'punishment', and Satan doesn't argue.

After walking over to the woman, Satan taps her on the shoulder and whispers to her ''You've been relieved...''

[Phyth Glenfield]

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: Because they didn't have chickens back then!


Yeah...Now you know what kind of jokes I tell.

[yalari malea]

Another dirty one 

3 nuns die and go to the Pearly Gates, where St Peter asks them each a question.

The first is asked 'Who baptised Jesus?' and swiftly responds with 'John!'
St Peter replies 'Correct, in you go.'

The second is asked 'What was Jesus' profession before he was famous?'
She answers with 'A carpenter.'
'Well done!', St Peter lets her pass.

St Peter comes to the third nun, who is the mother of the nunery.
'Now mother, you will be asked a much harder question, due to your superior knowledge. What did Eve first say to Adam when they met?'

She hesitated a while, and said 'Ooh, that's a hard one...' and before she could give her answer, St Peter replied 'Very well done! You may go in.'

[yalari malea]

@Plyth

Uh, unfunny ones?

[Alassiel Telrúnya]

@yalari malea: Yep, that's Rinoa.

Okay, this joke is a bit insulting to blondes:
A blonde girl goes to a garage sale. After looking around for a while, she goes to the guy selling the items, points to one and says: "Can I buy that television, please?" The guy replies, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." Looking insulted, the girl goes away.

She goes to a wig shop and buys a red wig. She wears it and goes back to the garage sale. She points the television out to the guy again. "Can I buy that television, please?" The guy says, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." The girl is puzzled, and wonders how he knew she was blonde.

She goes back to the wig shop, buys a brown wig, makes sure her blonde hair isn't visible, and returns to the garage sale. "Can I buy that television, please?" she says to the guy, pointing to the television. The guy looks at her, annoyed. "I've already told you, I don't sell to blondes!" The girl's curiosity gets the better of her. "How did you know I'm blonde?" she asks. The guy replies, "Because that's a microwave."

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