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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 23964 times)
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Alassiel Telrúnya
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Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #150 on: April 06, 2007, 10:41:45 PM »

 LOL I'm not going to comment on that.
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Tifara Heike
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« Reply #151 on: April 07, 2007, 06:48:46 PM »

Here's a blonde joke I found on the Internet:

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

x.x  grin Why are Blondes made to look so stupid anyway?
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Aroura Roselyn
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« Reply #152 on: April 08, 2007, 06:00:23 AM »

I have a few jokes my aunt sent to me from Australia.

1)  One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up, and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing!

2)A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her voice. "Honey pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?".
Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

3) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right an the other is a husband.

4)  A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had too take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'CZWIXNOSTACZ.'
"Can you read this?" The optician asked.

"Read it?" The polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

5)Mother superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. I'm so tired of chardonnay."

6)  A wife was making breakfast for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! Your cooking to many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you are cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife started at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I am driving."

I hope you all like them.

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And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
Fenmarel Leislasa
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« Reply #153 on: April 30, 2007, 01:05:08 AM »

This is a true story, and this is a durian: A Yugoslavian professor was in a Malaysian hotel's lift with his assistant. Then his assistant saw a sign on the lift wall saying 'No Durians Allowed.' He asked the professor what durians were. The professor pondered for a moment before replying, "I don't know...maybe it's prostitutes." All the Malaysians in the lift cracked up.
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I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. ~ Fenmarel Leislasa
Kali Rae
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« Reply #154 on: May 08, 2007, 05:36:34 AM »

Hahaa,

I appreciate that anecdote about the Durian!  One thing I feel that needs mentioning is that people who eat Durian claim that it "Smells like hell, tastes like heaven," hence the "No Durians Allowed" sign.  From what I understand (I'm going on info that's about fifteen years old though... it's been a long time since I was anyplace where Durian is a native fruit) they're not allowed on planes because of their potent smell.

For me, this deepens the humor grin

I might as well tell a joke while I'm here.  I don't think this will translate into writing well but I'll see what I can do.



Two apples are in an oven.

One apple turns to the other apple and says, "Goodness me!  It's getting hot in here!"

The second apple turns and screams, "Oh my god! A talking apple!"
« Last Edit: May 08, 2007, 05:39:49 AM by Kali Rae » Logged

-- It is the extraordinary people that we tell stories about; still, everyone has a story if you look hard enough --

Kali Rae
Alassiel Telrúnya
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Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #155 on: May 08, 2007, 05:41:20 AM »

Lol.... LOL It's been quite a while since anyone's posted a joke. Does anyone have any new jokes?
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Tifara Heike
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« Reply #156 on: May 09, 2007, 05:37:24 PM »

Ok.. I have this Words Document full of Men v.s. Women jokes. So, I'm copying all!!

---

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Important!!!
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
---

It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
---

Subject: Computer Hard and Software
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall function doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
---

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, the ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
---

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
---

Q: Why was Adam the happiest man ever lived?
A: Because he was the only man without a mother-in-law.
---

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
---

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace and emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."
---

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said, “I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only.” The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in colour. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, “I wish I was irresistible to women.” POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
---

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
---

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!"
---

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
---

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
A: No one knows, it's never been done.
---

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
---

One guy to another, “Last week, I took the first step towards getting divorced.”
“Did you see a lawyer?”
“No, I got married.”
---


Hope you enjoy!!!
« Last Edit: May 09, 2007, 05:41:34 PM by Tifara Heike » Logged
Cherri Rowandyn
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Elf, Quaelhoirhim / Ylfferhim / Sanhorrhim


« Reply #157 on: May 13, 2007, 04:06:30 PM »

lmao, I got some of those in my email!!!

Okay I have one, I will tread lightly.  Kinda on the dirty side.

Two marshions flew down in their space ship and landed at a gas station in the middle of the Arizona desert.  One marshion walks over to the old fashioned gas pump (the ones that were round up top and had the gas pump handle on the side) and points his ray gun at it.  "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!" the marshion yells at the pump.  The second marshion causiously steps near the first marshion whispering, "You shouldn't do that." 

After several moments the first marshion comes closer to the gas pump continuing to yell, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER OR ELSE I WILL BLOW YOU TO SMITHERRINES!!"  The second marshion takes a step back and tells the first marshion, "Hey I don't think you should do that.  You shouldn't make him mad!" 

The gas pump continued to keep silent so the first marshion severely peeved now shouts, "ALRIGHT YOU ASKED FOR IT!!"  and fires his ray gun blowing himself, the second marshion and their spaceship to the other side of the road.  The first marshion stands and looks around after dusting himself off as the second marshion jumps up gesturing to the opposite side of the road where the gas station was recently located and begins to yell at the first marshion, "See I told you not to mess with him!!!  Anyone who can take their wee wee and wrap it around their body three times and stick it in their ear YOU DON'T MESS WITH!"

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Cherri Rowandyn
Keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer.
Alassiel Telrúnya
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Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #158 on: May 13, 2007, 04:18:53 PM »

LOL!!!!!!!!!!! That's one of the funniest jokes I've had in a long time. Rolling
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Salena smith
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #159 on: May 24, 2007, 11:00:58 AM »

kkai i have a joke.. k theres 3 guys swimming in a public pool the first guy gets kicked out of the pool the lifegaurd asks him "why'd u get kicked out"? the guy says " i was blowing bubbles" da lifegaurd says "thats not bad go back in da water" then the second guy gets kicked out of the pool the lifegaurd asks "why'd u get kicked out" the second guy replied "i was blowing bubbles" da lifegaurd says "thats not bad go back in da water" then da third guy gets kicked out the lifegaurd says " let me guess u were blowing bubbles"? da guy says " no i AM BUBBLES"   lol its gross but its funny  ( i think anyways)
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I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
Alassiel Telrúnya
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Elf, Ak’váth’rhím / Injerín


« Reply #160 on: May 26, 2007, 01:44:17 AM »

I have Christian jokes.

>========
>    There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
>    Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there
>    anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the
>    Ten Commandments." Answered the lady.
>========
>    Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the
>    world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
>    "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the
>    morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
>========
>    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
>    because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a
>    meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
>    "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss
>    my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
>    When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along
>    with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
>    you a ticket I'll lose my job. "Lead us not into temptation."
>========
>    There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and
>    announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad
>    news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our
>    new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in
>    your pockets."
>========
>    While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
>    carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of
>    humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a
>    hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and
>    grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
>========
>    A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
>    "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot
>    up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
>    "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know -
>    Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
>========
>    A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just
>    before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,
>    but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant
>    motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the
>    young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if
>    everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
>    The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same
>    in my business."
>========
>    A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly,
>    "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied,
>   "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son
>    replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the
>    Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." The young boy replied
>    excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving
>    Earth.'"
>========
>    Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter
>    what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be
>    scared, you'll get your quilt."
>    Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
>    Pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that
>    morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not
>    afraid, thy comforter is coming."

 Rolling Rolling Rolling
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lukecash
Guest
« Reply #161 on: May 26, 2007, 08:42:27 AM »

 Rolling Roll Eyes evil :lol:Borat Joke.(Yes, i like Borat even though it is incredibly racist, it is just plain hilarious, and who actually thinks anything of what is put in the movie anyway. I can picture people in India laughing at stupid americans like me.)


Borat is learning not jokes from aman he met, and proceeds to tell him a joke.

My sister back home was voted best hooker in Pakistan, and my brother was retarded, so we kept him in a cage. So, every day my sister flashed him and said, you will never get this. But one day, he found the key, and boy, he really got it.
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Kali Rae
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« Reply #162 on: May 26, 2007, 02:44:49 PM »

Ok, so here's a riddle.  The first time I heard it I had to kick it around my brain for a few seconds but I doubled over once I got it.  If you don't get it then try sayin' it aloud, it might help.

Q:  What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?




A:  ANYONE can roast beef.

There, I said it...  I love that joke.
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-- It is the extraordinary people that we tell stories about; still, everyone has a story if you look hard enough --

Kali Rae
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« Reply #163 on: May 31, 2007, 01:49:54 AM »

Here's a Blonde joke.

A blonde government supervisor called in a subordinate regarding his failure to complete his last task.

Blonde: Sam, I see you only converted 4 out of the 5 books I asked you to convert to Braille. As you know our state needs to make our publications available to everyone including the blind.

Sam: Yes, of course.

Blonde: So what happened with that fifth book?

Sam: You mean the automobile driving manual?

It's kinda funny, but not THAT funny.

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Rox Techien
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Will, effort, knowledge, and power. We're only us.


« Reply #164 on: June 11, 2007, 03:46:12 AM »

I might as well post these jokes here:

New Watch

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…"

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn—this thing must be an hour fast!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?

California became a state. The State had no electricity. Too little water, The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. Basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real tits.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother~ 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was s pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f&#king putt, didn't you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A little word from Johnny to start the day..

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.
--------------------------------------------------
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Logged

"A human being is based on pure will, power, effort, and the knowledge to know what they want in their lives and others."
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