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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 23979 times)
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Juno
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Queen of the Gods


« Reply #165 on: June 17, 2007, 02:29:49 AM »

Another heaven joke-- I collect them, hee.

An engineer dies and is led to the gates of hell. Satan is really excited-- they haven't got many engineers in Hell, and there's lots of things that could do with being repaired by an expert. But as the engineer is being led away, a lesser demon approaches Satan and says "God says there's been a mistake and the engineer is really his. He wants you to send him back up immediately."

Satan flatly refuses. "He's got plenty of engineers. This one's mine."

Suddenly, a voice booms down from the heavens; "You lousy cheat!" God says. "I'll sue you!"

But Satan just laughs and yells back, "Oh, sure. And where areyou going to get a lawyer?"
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Si tu non veneris ad me, ego veniam ad te...

Proud den mother of the Flying Dutchman Penny Theatre, chief editor and Savant du Jour of the Free Gypsy Press, Stancer extraordinaire, Lady Scribe of the Knights of Mars (Maritime Branch), Venusian-trained interior decorator and head organizer of the 55,567th Changeling Awareness Week.
Salena smith
Enthusiastic Swordswoman
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« Reply #166 on: June 17, 2007, 06:08:06 AM »

SARA: Mike you know i love you and i'd go to bat for you right??
MIKE: ya.
:SMACK:
SARA: than u shoud've seen that comming i never liked baseball.


lol my freind told me that. i like it I thought it was funny.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2007, 06:35:12 AM by Salena smith » Logged

I am and always will be me. I have my faults and mood swings so if you cant handle me at my worst then you dont deserve me at my best. :) Salena's CD
Letitia De Lockhart
Lady Likely
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« Reply #167 on: June 17, 2007, 06:38:35 AM »

Okay, here are some jokes I remember were told on the talent show "Britain’s got Talent" by a ten year old boy called Jack Pratt.

1) Jack: Guess what.

Audience: What.

Jack: I'm in trouble with my teacher. I asked her, "Miss would I get in to trouble for something I haven’t done", she answered, "No". I said "Good because I haven’t done my homework.

I am going to post a few more tomorrow hopefully but at the moment I have to go to bed.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2007, 06:43:58 AM by Letitia De Lockhart » Logged

"I love him, I adore him, my mind and soul is now transported with the thought of that blessed ecstatic moment when I shall see him, embrace him...
I must sin on and love him more than ever. It is a crime worth going to hell for."


This is quoted from Lady Emma Hamilton in a letter she wrote to Lord Horatio Nelson, her lover, her best friend and the soon to be father of their child.
Letitia De Lockhart
Aroura Roselyn
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« Reply #168 on: July 10, 2007, 09:51:56 PM »

Here is another one from the brilliant Jack on Britain's got tallent.

Jack: Guess what.

Audience: What.

Jack: I am in trouble with my mum. This morning she was spending ages in front of the mirror complaining about everything. Jack does mummy's hair look frizzy, Jack does mummy look fat, Jack does is mummy pretty. Then she said oh Jack is there anything good about mummy and I said, there’s nothing wrong with your eye site mum.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2007, 09:54:00 PM by Aroura Roselyn » Logged

And I quote, Francesca Bruni, from the movie Casanova."Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him, if that woman were me I would love him alone, and forever".
Aroura Roselyn
Darknighte
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« Reply #169 on: July 11, 2007, 02:08:27 AM »

Here's one I heard on the radio that I thought was quite funny.

Two men walk into a bar and there is two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
One says to the other: I bet you £25 cant swing round and knock both of them off.
And the other says....:No..the stakes are to high.



Ber-Dum-Tish
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Lorek Bearfist
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« Reply #170 on: July 11, 2007, 05:47:52 PM »

Even though I have a failing sense of humor I do make it a point to memorize and write jokes to break the ice with women. I'm about to tell one of my favorites. If this torques off the administration, I hope someone gets to read it first.

Two men are hiking through the desert down in Texas. One named Bill the other being named Rick. Anyway, they keep walking and come across a rattlesnake. Poor Rick gets bit on his genitals and is screaming in brutal agony. Rick begs his friend to run back to town and fetch a doctor. Being a good friend, Bill takes off headed toward town. Upon his arrival he locates a doctor, explains the situation and asks him what is to be done. The doctor hands Bill a razor and tells him "Take this razor and cut an X shape over the bite area then suck out the poison. Your friend   should live." So Bill sprints back toward Rick. Upon his re-arrival Rick asks him "What did the doctor say?" Bill replied "The doctor said you're dying."
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hulder
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Me big. Really big. Who dare fight me?


« Reply #171 on: July 14, 2007, 09:19:47 AM »

i have some jokes.
1. there are some men flying on a plane over the ocean when it turns out that there is too much weight on the plane. they dump all luggage and food. It isnt enough. The Englishman goes to the door and says " God Save the Queen" and jumps. It isnt enough. The Texan goes to the door and says "Remember the Alamo" and throws out the Mexican.

2. There are a blone, a redhead, and a burrnet, and they all go to an island. They try to swim the 20 miles to land. The burrnet gets 1/4 of the way and drowns. The redhead goes 1/2 of the way and drowns. The blonde makes it 1/2 way, says"i am tired" turns around and swims back to the island.

3. One day, an old couple who loved to golf, died. They went to heaven and it was a huge golf course. The man says to the woman, "wasnt for that bran diet you had us on, we could have been here years ago"

4. There were two old men who loved baseball. They wondered if there was baseball in heaven. They promised to each other that who ever got there first would find a way to contact the other and let him know if there was baseball in heaven. One day, one died. A week later, the other man was sitting in a chair when he heard a voice.\
It sounded like his dead friend. The man said "your dead" "i am" says the voice. "i have good and bad news. there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you are due to pitch tommorow."

5. One day, this woman went to the doctor and said,"doctor, i have a problem. At 8:15 every day, i go to the restroom." they perform some tests. It turns out she had 3 tapeworms. They had to operate. The first worm said"you hear that? their gona operate on us! i am going to hide behind the heart."Well i am going to hide behind the liver." said the 2nd one. The 3rd one said" I aint takin' no chances, i m takin the 8:15 out of here."

Hope these are funny.
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xeno katona
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« Reply #172 on: September 22, 2007, 02:45:55 PM »

oh i got a dirty one

there was a little boy he asked his dad "daddy daddy can i shower with you" and he said "go ask your mom so" he asked "mommy mommy can i shower with daddy" she said its ok with me he ran back and said "daddy mommy said i can shower with you" and te father said "ok but dont look down" while they were in the shower he looked down and asked "daddy whats that" and he said "thats my limo" the next day the little boy asked "mommy mommy can i shower with you" she said go ask your dad so he asked his dad "daddy daddy can i shower with mommy" and he said yes so he ran back and said "daddy said yes" so she told him dont look up or down in the shower he looked up and down and asked "mommy mommy whats that and she said thats my headlights and my garage" the next day he asked "mommy daddy can i sleep with you tonight" and they said ok so that night th boy woke up and said "mommy mommy turn on your headlights daddy`s parking his limo in your garage.
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dont think of death as an end just think of it as a checkpoint where we leave the real world to crossover to heaven or hell
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