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Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Jaime/Murmillion/Smith  (Read 254 times)
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New Santharian

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« Reply #15 on: October 20, 2007, 06:54:37 PM »

I'm done editing now so can you check this out please.

"All that is gold does not glitter,not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither,deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken,the crownless again shall be king."                 
                    J.R.R. Tolkien
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« Reply #16 on: October 21, 2007, 04:31:43 AM »

Just trying to keep this at the top of the list.

"All that is gold does not glitter,not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither,deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken,the crownless again shall be king."                 
                    J.R.R. Tolkien
Vesk Lyricahl
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Posts: 1307

Human, Eyelian

« Reply #17 on: October 22, 2007, 12:19:28 AM »

Commenting in lime.

Name: Jaime Tallert

Age: 34

Gender: Male

Race: Human

Tribe: Murmillion

Occupation: Smith

Title: The Smith of the stars

Hight: 2 Peds, 1 palmspan

Heft: 2 Pygges, 5 Hebs, 1 Muts

Hair Colour: Jaime has lite brown reddish hair.

Eye Colour: Jaime has hazel coloured eyes.

Physical Appearance:
 Jaime is tall. He's got a medium body build and is very muscular. His skin is pale but tanned, and he has fairly straight teeth. His face is long with sharp features and he has a very angular jaw line. He has a birth mark on his left shoulder blade that appears to be in the shape of a dragon. He has calloused hands and feet from long years of working as a shepperd and smith.He wears wool dyed an earthy tone of brown with a wine red shimmer, a belt of black leather with silver inlay, a black leather vest and a fur cloak.

His appearance doesn't seem to be that of a Murmillion. For one thing, he's simply too big. Murmillions are described as slender whereas he's basically a mountain of muscle. He's also a bit too tall. No mention of a Murmillion's height is mentioned, so you have some leniency, but as it is he stands at the height of a Kuglim, and they're the tallest of any humans. I don't see how he can be pale and tanned, instead you should phrase it that he was once pale but has since been tanned by the sun. I would also like to see more detail about his appearance, his clothing in particular.

 Jaime has a very cheerfull personality, he is always willing to help a person in need. He has a strong will but a very short temper(He would climb to the top of the tallest mountain to save an innocent but if they made him angry he would just push them over the side.)
He has a great sense of humour and loves to make jokes. He is a people person and makes friends quickly. (He leaves a trail of friends in his path wearever he travels.)

I would like to see more detail in his personality. Keep in mind that it is his personality that will determine how he is played. As it is, I don't can't get an idea of how he'd be played.

 - He is skilled at horse back riding, He grew up in a valley south of the Burning Mountains on a sheep farm herding sheep and he owns his own horse.
 - He is an admirable archer,  At the age of seven his dad gave him a bow so that he could learn how to hunt when he wasn't busy being an apprentice smith.
 - He is a skilled fighter, When he took his apprenticeship with the town's smith he taught him how to use a variety of weapons and he is  also self taught.

Your strengths should mention each weapon he is skilled with and the degree of skill he possesses with each one.

 - Jaime is  afraid of spiders. Even as a child Jaime would utterly start to cry for his mother if he saw a spider. He still does.
 - He has a fear of small spaces. Jaime doesn't like to be in a place with no windows or where you can't see outside. If he was locked in a  room with no windows for to long he would go crazy.
- He is afraid of heights. Jaime has always had this unexplainable fear of heights even though he grew up on a mountain.

I'd like to see a physical weakness or two, something to counter his considerable physical prowess with weapons.               

 Jaime was born in a valley south of the Burning Mountains and grew up on a sheep farm with his dad , his brothers, and his sister. His mom died giving birth to him and his oldest brother still blames him for her death so they don't talk anymore. He has one sister and five brothers of which he is the youngest. Ever since he was a small boy Jaime had dreams of being a hero and an adventurer, helping people in need and killing bad people. So he had wooden weapons that he would play with trying to teach himself how to fight and joust. He grew up herding sheep on horse back while his dog Drogo Could you please change the name of his dog? Whether you knew it or not, we have a member named Drogo and most would not appreciate having his name used for a dog. worked them from the ground. Drogo was a black purebred Kaal Bloodhound he received for his third birthday that his father trained personally to help Jaime and protect him. When he turned seven he took an apprenticeship with the town's smith. Every day Jaime would wake up three hours before dawn, get dressed then go hunting with Drogo for the day's meals. The smith took a liking to Jaime and taught him every secret of the trade including how to use the weapons he made. Why would a smith know how to wield these weapons? And even more importantly, why would he waste time teaching Jaime to wield them? He's training a smith, not a warrior. Jaime turned out to be very skilled at smithing and often made works of art that people wished to purchase just by fooling around and experamenting Fooling around and experimenting is not enough to make such works of art, it requires time and practice., so Jaime never had an empty wallet. Drogo died when Jaime was sixteen at the ripe age of seventeen Was he sixteen or seventeen? and Jaime was a mess for the longest time he wouldn't even eat except when he was forced to and he wouldn't get out of bed to go to work. When did he get over his grief? There's no transition here from the grief to him finishing his training. After twelve years of apprenticeship, the smith said that he was finally ready to open his own forge, and as a farwell gift gave Jaime a new hammer, a pair of tongs, a small purse of gold to get him started on his way and a double sided great axe that he personally made for Jaime. Why would the smith give him an axe? Jaime is setting off to be a smith, not a warrior, so it really doesn't make sense as a gift. The axe was fairly plain and had a few silver ruins inlaid on the axe heads but it is the sentimental value that meant the most.The town's farewell however was not so subtle, the town's stable gave Jaime a horse and the town pooled together almost every last penny they could afford to give away, they would all miss Jaime so much especially his own family, as a gift his father gave him a hug and his mothers necklace to remind him of his mom and family. First off, this is a run-on sentence, break it up. Second, this seems to be receiving too many gifts. Some coin from the smith is one thing, but the townspeople wouldn't have coin to spare, especially not to buy him anything as expensive as a horse. Instead of receiving the horse as a gift, why not have him buy it himself with the coin he earned from his creations? Personally, I don't like to see so many things just given to a character. His mother's necklace was just a simple leather string with a silver rune that meant everlasting. So Jaime said fairwell to his friends and family then headed north to the Burning mountains to start a forge of his own. He came upon a town that had need of a smith, as their smith had just passed away and he had no apprentice. Needless to say it didn't take Jaime long to take the job. Not long after Jaime started maybe a few weeks after, a messenger arrived from his home village with a message for him. The message was........

- Jaime come home please!
Father is in bed terribly sick and we don't think he will last much longer,
He was bit by a snake while gardening.
The medicine man can't help and said father will die soon.
So please make haste!
Your Loving Sister Marie.

After receiving this letter Jaime saddled up his horse as fast as he could, gathered all his belongings, and ran for home. When he arrived it was too late, his father had already passed away.Jaime was so grief stricken that he couldn't even stay for the funeral. So he ran away, he ran for a place where nobody would know him so that he could wallow in his grief like a pig wallows in the mud. He found a tavern in a fishing village and let the ale take away his pain flagon after flagon.
When he awoke the next morning he went in search of a ship to board and leave for a new land.To his surprise he discovered a little dog was following him around, so he decided to bring it along as a companion. He could train it to hunt with him and protect him,like Drogo who died when Jaime was sixteen due to old age. Because Jaime could not take his horse on a ship with him he had to sell his horse and sold it for what little gold he could and got on the first ship to Santharia.
It was a long voyage without any ale ,but by the time he got to Santharia he was his old cheerfull self again. When he arrived in Santharia he decided to find a new and better horse, and with the gold he got from his village, the smith, and his job he decided to go for a high quality breed so he bought a world renowned Kev'Lor horse. With his new companions Agro his horse and Kya his dog he traveled in search of a town in need of a smith and found just what he was looking for. So now he is smithing for a fairly large town with people that love his work. His hobbies now include hunting with Kya, training with his axe, and learning how to fight from horse back (jousting). Jaime someday plans to become a hedgeknight or adventurer.

 Jaime carries two weapons. The first is his great axe, inlaid with silver runes. Given to him by his master smith, and a long bow made of yew that was given to him as child so he could learn how to hunt. The bow was his fathers, it has unique carvings of animals all way down the shaft except wear you hold it.It also came with a quiver and a few arrows.

 The only things that Jaime owns are his sword,his bow,his horse, his dog Drogo,his forge, some clothes, and some gold. Jaime lives in his smithy.

 Jaime's Horse is a Kev'Lor named Agro that he bought when he arrived in Santharia. Agro weighs twenty Pygges, twenty Hebs and sixty Muts and stands two Peds, seven Palmspans, and six Nailsbredths. Ok, your horse is way too big, even for a Kev'lor. Kev'lors stand at two peds at the shoulder, yours exceeds that by quite a bit. And there's no need for you to mention his weight as your character would not have any way of knowing it. Agro is six years old and already trained in the arts of war. A trained warhorse is a strength and should be listed as such. His fur is chestnut brown with a white belly and white that goes down his legs to his hooves, and he has hair on the bottom of his legs that covers his hooves. He also has a white muzzle. His tail and mane are black. Jaime often likes to groom Agro and feed him carrots and apples as little treats. Agro's main staple is hay with a cup full of oats every morning for the extra energy. Agro has a very quiet nature and loves to nuzzle Jaime. He has a very perky personality. He likes to prance around like a giddy little school girl sometimes.

 Jaime's dog is a Kaal Bloodhound named Kya that he found just before he left for Santharia. She has black fur with a brown tinge when she's in the sun. When Jaime first found the poor girl she was starved and dehydrated but after a few days of some tender loving care she was up and about. She loves to hunt with Jaime and loves to play catch. She really appreciates it when you scratch her behind the ears or on that hard to reach spot just above the tail. She eats whatever she catches and also Jaime feeds her table scraps. She weighs six Hebs and ten Mut. She stands one Ped, one Palmspan, and four Nailsbredths. His dog is also far too large. On average they stand at two fores and a palmspan, her height should be close to that. She has a very protective personality. She is always with him wherever he goes and is always watching over him almost like a mother.

I am but a dreamer in this waking nightmare some would call life. ~ Vesk
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« Reply #18 on: October 24, 2007, 08:21:57 PM »

Thanks for the tips I will continue to work on this in my spare time.

"All that is gold does not glitter,not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither,deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken,the crownless again shall be king."                 
                    J.R.R. Tolkien
New Santharian

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Gender: Male
Posts: 13

« Reply #19 on: October 28, 2007, 10:29:17 PM »

Does anybody have any suggestions as to a race that best fits my character description because a murmillion is not the right kind of race thnat I want., I want a race that is war like, almost like the spartans of ancient times. A race that has men that are huge and muscular and like to fight.

"All that is gold does not glitter,not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither,deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken,the crownless again shall be king."                 
                    J.R.R. Tolkien
Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin
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Posts: 1682

Human, Remusian

« Reply #20 on: October 28, 2007, 10:32:39 PM »

Kuglim are the largest of the human tribes I believe, and they are barbarian in nature.

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