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Author Topic: Mannix Vaelos/ Centoraurian/ Wind Mage Apprentice  (Read 500 times)
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Kalína Mërénwèn
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« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2007, 07:15:58 AM »

Everything seems to be in order, but I would like someone to double check your magic first. I will give someone a tap to come and do that.
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Mannix
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« Reply #16 on: October 26, 2007, 11:58:35 AM »

Thanks!
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His word was the roar of thunder, His glance was the look of the eagle,
His might was the strenght of the bear, His guile was the cunning of the fox,
His temper was the death of men.
Thorgas Ironforge
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« Reply #17 on: October 26, 2007, 03:46:22 PM »

Greetings Mannix, and welcome to the dream. Mages are common nowadays. :)
A comment from a fellow mage, in the fiery color of red.


Character Description
Name Mannix Vaelos.

Gender Male.

Age 23.

Race Human.

Tribe Centoraurian.

Occupation   Student.

Title Magus of the Wind.

Appearance
Height Five fores.

Weight One pygge.

Hair Colour Brown.

Eye Colour Brown.

Physical Appearance Mannix is a male who is about five fores tall and weighs about one pygge.  He has brown hair and brown eyes.  His skin is lightly tanned from working outdoors when he lived in a village.  Since he left the hard, manual work relatively early he escaped the premature aging and weatherbeaten skin that can be seen in old people in his old village(He can't have the beaten old look because he's only 23. Not a major thing, but it sounds awkward.).  His change of lifestyle to that of a mage has greatly altered his appearance.  His skin no longer tans further, as he spends a lot of time indoors studying. His hands and skin has become softer and smoother.  His facial features are handsome, but not overly so.  He is almost plain looking, with no unusual features.  He was well muscled from his past laborious work, but these lessened so he is now only lightly muscled.  He is not overweight because he does a bit of exercise, but he isn't the fittest person around either.

Clothing Pants, leather boots, a soft woollen surcoat over a woollen tunic in winter and the same in the summer but without the surcoat.  This can get a bit hot on some days but he is good at conjuring wind to cool himself.  These clothes are a neutral brown colour.

Personality He is a wary person who is often reclusive.  He takes time to choose whom he befriends and he chooses wisely.  Once he has though he will talk with them freely and regularly.  He saves his money not because he loves it but because he knows its value and keeps for something better and more useful.  He has a sense of what he believes is right and wrong and if somebody was in trouble, as long as it's not too minor, he would help them with or without rewards.

Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths Mannix is good at magic and does well in his tutoring.  This is advantageous to him because he can go through is tuition quickly and with ease, meaning he can become a more powerful mage and have a better chance of having a better life.

While in Ximax he studied many books about plants, focusing mainly on magical and medicinal plants. This is beneficial because it can help his progress through magic and a good knowledge of medicinal herbs can always help if the situation arises when they are needed.(How can magical plants help his progress in magic? Magical plants do not amplify the caster's power; ome of them are merely reagents, meaning that they help a caster in concentrating and casting his spell.)

He enjoys studying about animals, especially mythical ones. This is helpful because he knows how to treat animals he may come across and what benefits they may have.  These are all advantageous to Mannix because, as they say, ‘Knowledge is Power’.(You won't encounter mythical animals in your travels, because they're mythical and thus, are legend. Please cite some examples on how this will help you in your journey.)

Weaknesses He has a tendency to rush into things and complete tasks as quick as possible.  This is detrimental because things go wrong more often when he does this.

When he reads things he often forgets them easily if he doesn't review them, even briefly, every few months.(People will forget things once they got it out of their systems, even for a few weeks, without going back and reviewing them. This is not a weakness. However for a mage, this is a weakness; perhaps rewording it would suffice.)  This is disadvantageous to him because he may forget something vital to him in a certain situation.

Almost every night he is haunted by his murdering of those two bandits.  This can wake him early and leave him tired and irritable throughout the day.  This can cause many incidents in which he usually comes out of for the worse.

Magic Mannix is ‘gifted’ and so was highly sought after by the Academy.  He is a quite talented mage and excels through learning.  He can, of course, create winds and uses these to do many things such as move objects, hide himself, create protection and change himself.  During his spare time he trains with his magic to become the best he can be, to become more than could have with his family and in his village.  Currently he is part way through level three wind magic.

History His village was raided one day when he was with his stock animals.  When he returned he saw two bandits as they slew his mother and dumping her on top of his already dead brother and father(The village was raided by 2 bandits?).  This awoke huge and strange emotions he had never felt before. Anger, despair, fear and ,overall, the desire for revenge.  These emotions surged throughout his body until he lost control.  A giant gust of wind suddenly swept through the village knocking over everything in its path.  Houses went flying, small plants were uprooted and, of course, the bandits and Mannix flew through the air.  Mannix landed and blacked out.  The wind stopped.(That was a pretty strong gust of wind for someone untrained in the ways of magic. I know gifted ones are able to cast magic unconsciously, but to have a powerful storm whip like that is hardly believable. Try to limit the power of your gale, from a light breeze to a moderately stong wind, since a significant change of the wind around  person, no matter how small, is enough to signify that the person is gifted. This will also assure us that your character will not god mod in a story.)

He woke after a few seconds with a thumping headache.  He looked around, surveying ihs(his) surrounds, when he saw the bandits, still unconscious.  He let his emotions take over.  He ran to where his house used to be and grabbed a knife his mother used to cook their meals, his meals.  He sprinted towards the bandit with his knife held up high and dived, plunging the knife into one of the bandits ands twisted it, twisted it, twisted it(How come there are so many 'twisted its'?).  Out he drew it, pausing only to wipe the tears from his eyes before repeating this act on the other bandit.  With his family dead, as were their murderers, too many emotions swirling through his body, he simply lay down and pass out.

When he woke again the sun had moved through half the day.  He was in total despair.  He lay there thinking about the events that had just taken place, weeping as he did.  He suddenly realised the wind.  What had made it appear so suddenly and then disappear in the same way?(See magic comment above. Also, I am under the assumption that he doesn't have any knowledge of magic; thus the wind change will not concern him.)  Whatever it was he knew what he had to do. Up he got and he gathered any belongings he could find useful. With these objects in tow he got the pony and left.

For the first week he simply wondered, going nowhere. Eventually he came upon a village, the people there took pity on him and let him stay.  He stayed in his room(They gave him a room in the village?) all the time thinking about what to do next.  It was then that he heard whisperings from another room about Ximax, the City of Magic(He heard whispers from another room? Whispers are hardly audible.).  Perhaps something there could fix his broken soul, because nothing here could.  So it was settled, he would travel to Ximax and battle through life.

After a long and arduous journey he reached Ximax. He sold his pony(A Centoraurian selling his last pony? Keep in mind that their tribe is known for the unflinching devotion they give to their horses, and since it is the only pony of the family, I'm assuming that it is a beloved one.) and lived on the streets, working any job for whatever money he could get.(How did he know the way to the magical city?)

One day Mannix saw a mage travelling down the street.  He followed him hoping fro(for) some respite from his pain or even just something to amuse him for however short a time.  Mannix followed him right up to the walls of the Academy.  The mage entered, Mannix knew he could not.  He heard a voice, “Oi, you can’t go in there that’s for mage use only, go in the servants entrance.”

Mannix couldn’t believe his luck he might get a job here.  And finally, when he went to the other gate, luck smile upon him, he got through and sneaked into a closet and stole a servant’s outfit.  Dressed in this he wandered aimlessly around the Academy.  He came upon another mage, no, not another mage, the same mage as before.  “Hey, boy come ‘ere.”  Mannix complied. “Doing anything?” Mannix shook his head, too bewildered to speak. “Well you’ll do.  Follow me; you’re my new personal servant.”

Mannix served this mage for some time, and slowly befriended him.  Because of this Mannix accidentally told the mage of his encounter with the bandits.  The mage knew instantaneously, Mannix was Gifted.

The mage entered Mannix into his level one class, while keeping him his servant.  Mannix studied every possible moment, afraid of being cast out of the Academy if he didn’t do well.  He progressed through level one and two and is undertaking level three.

Weapons A quarterstaff used mainly as a walking stick, but it's there just in case.  It is just a bit shorter than Mannix by about a palmspan.

Belongings A medallion of a stylised lighting bolt with the runes for ‘só avásh’, wind, engraved into it.  This is to symbolise Grothar, God of the Weather.
A bag containing:
-A herbal tonic made from 'Dreamers Breath' for standard aliments.
-His spell book.
-A flask of water.
-A pouch containing a few coins.
-A small, dirty, cluttered book containing anything Mannix was intrigued by.

Familiars His mage and mentor's Ximax Cat follows him everywhere he goes.  The cat is called Fenix, and has long, ash coloured fur, with the typical violet.  It follows Mannix because he was instructed to feed it.  This resulted in the cat constantly following him as it became more dependent and loyal.(Is this cat yours? If so, tell us about how you aquired it, in your history.)

And there you go. Wonderful story, but it still needs some work. Feel free to ask for aid in finishing your CD.

Have a nice day.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2007, 03:58:29 PM by Thorgas Ironforge » Logged

Anybody who has seen a fire rage across the land understands that they have a life of their own. They flicker in joy, glow in calmness, warm others with love, and ravage enemies in anger.
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Mannix
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #18 on: October 28, 2007, 11:00:38 AM »

Thanks for the help!

Kalína said that my magic may not be okay could somebody please look at it.

Thanks

Mannix
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His word was the roar of thunder, His glance was the look of the eagle,
His might was the strenght of the bear, His guile was the cunning of the fox,
His temper was the death of men.
Mannix
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #19 on: November 01, 2007, 12:15:25 PM »

Ready for comments!
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His word was the roar of thunder, His glance was the look of the eagle,
His might was the strenght of the bear, His guile was the cunning of the fox,
His temper was the death of men.
Helvíl
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« Reply #20 on: November 01, 2007, 01:40:33 PM »

Greetings Mannix! We have met each other in the development boards and now I am here to give also some comments about your magic section (although I am no magic expert).

Quote
Magic Mannix is ‘gifted’ and so was highly sought after by the Academy.  He is a quite talented mage and excels through learning.  He can, of course, create winds and uses these to do many things such as move objects, hide himself, create protection and change himself.  During his spare time he trains with his magic to become the best he can be, to become more than could have with his family and in his village.  Currently he is part way through level three wind magic.

You say that he is part way to level three wind magic... but something really disturbs me here. You say that he can "change himself"
What exactly do you mean?

If you meant shapeshifting, I am sorry to tell you but shape shifting is quite dangerous since it deals with the arrangement of the car'all. It would likely kill the caster or the target than help it.

If you mean the spell chimaera, I am also sorry to tell you that your cd is about a gifted who is level 2 (going to be three) so the spell chimaera is something he cannot be achieved since it is counted as a level 5 spell.

Gifted people can do only small tasks, like what Thorgas has said, your character (no matter how angry he is) won't be able to do things like summoning a tornado or something like that. Its more like breaking a glass or moving an object (without consent). Remember that the time he created that strong wind was the time that he does not know magic yet nor did he know that he was gifted so he cannot harnesses his gift.

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Mannix
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #21 on: November 01, 2007, 02:58:30 PM »

Hey Helvil

I meant the he can change his appearance in ways like make himself less visible or look like his surrounding.  This is possible because I have read spells on it.  I guess I'll just have to re-word it.
Also I have changed his history so that the wind no longer uproots trees and destroys house, but mearly send stones flying, which still have the potential of knocking somebody unconscious.  Do you think thats okay?

Mannix
« Last Edit: November 01, 2007, 03:03:17 PM by Mannix » Logged

His word was the roar of thunder, His glance was the look of the eagle,
His might was the strenght of the bear, His guile was the cunning of the fox,
His temper was the death of men.
Mannix
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Gender: Male
Posts: 24


Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #22 on: November 04, 2007, 07:35:12 AM »

Ready for comments!

Mannix
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His word was the roar of thunder, His glance was the look of the eagle,
His might was the strenght of the bear, His guile was the cunning of the fox,
His temper was the death of men.
Helvíl
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« Reply #23 on: November 04, 2007, 08:19:19 AM »

How can look like his surroundings?
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Mannix
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2007, 11:21:37 AM »

He can pick an object, say a tree or rock, and appear like it to other viewers.  I guess I must have explained it badly.

Mannix
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His word was the roar of thunder, His glance was the look of the eagle,
His might was the strenght of the bear, His guile was the cunning of the fox,
His temper was the death of men.
Simonne Miller
Meddling Herbalist
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« Reply #25 on: November 05, 2007, 11:59:54 AM »

I don't have the time to read this through completely, but I'd like to point out one thing; you say that Mannix is not overweight but not the fittest person either. With the height and weight that you have, you are most certainly are not overweight. Rather, you'd look like a skeleton. In the metric system (sorry, I don't know the other system), you are 1 meter 64 and weigh 50 kilo's. To give you a reference, my boyfriend is 1 meter 65 and he weighs 60 kilo's, and I'm already telling him he needs to eat more 'cause I can see his ribs, he's really really skinny :)

I took the liberty of filling in your height and weight in a BMI program, and it pointed to just barely good weight, a little less and it was too light. You don't have to change it for me, you just have to be conscious of the fact that you look very skinny, rather the opposite of overweight ;)
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Simonne Miller
Helvíl
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« Reply #26 on: November 05, 2007, 04:58:43 PM »

Quote
He can pick an object, say a tree or rock, and appear like it to other viewers.  I guess I must have explained it badly.

I really don't get it sorry. Remember that Mannix is just a level 3 mage. He is capable of increasing and decreasing the influence of his element's ounía. What you are telling us here is I think the Chaemera spell which gives the caster the ability to create the illusion of shapeshifting...
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Chuhan Car amn
Sightless Stone Shaper
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« Reply #27 on: November 05, 2007, 08:18:35 PM »

There seems to be a lot of controversy over the magical aspects of your CD...

I'm probably not the most qualified but I know a bit about magic, so I'll give you a full read through later today.
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Chuhan Car amn
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« Reply #28 on: November 05, 2007, 11:17:23 PM »

Ok...Lets do this thing.  My comments will be in orange.

Character Description
Name: Mannix Vaelos(deleted period)

Gender: Male(deleted period)

Age: 23 (deleted period)

Race: Human(deleted period)

Tribe: Centoraurian(deleted period)

Occupation: (Deleted extra spacing) Student(deleted period.  I don't believe student is the correct occupation.  I think Mage, Wind Mage or something of the sort would be more appropriate)

Title: Magus of the Wind(deleted period)

Appearance:
Insert space

Height: One ped, two fores and one palmspan

Weight: One pygge and five hebs

Hair Colour: Brown(deleted period)

Eye Colour: Brown(deleted period)

Physical Appearance:
Insert space


Mannix is a male who is about five fores tall and weighs about one pygge.  He has brown hair and brown eyes.  His skin is lightly tanned(His tribe is pale.  Also, magi work primarily indoors as they are generally not the most fit of people) from working outdoors when he lived in a village(Tanning doesn't.  Considering his level, I doubt he would have seen his village in quite some time.).  Since he left the hard, manual work relatively early he escaped the premature aging and weatherbeaten skin that can be seen in people in his old village(???His tribe consists primarily of horse breeders.  IMHO, this isn't the time of hard manual work that causes premature aging.)  His change of lifestyle to that of a mage has greatly altered his appearance(If the above does not describe his current appearance, why include it at all?).  His skin no longer tans further(This is poorly phrased.  Also, one's skin can always tan.  It isn't something that leaves with age.  Rewording this phrase should prevent such a confusion), as he spends a lot of time indoors studying. His hands and skin has become softer and smoother(As an intellectual, his hands would still be callused, IMHO, just in a different manner).  His facial features are handsome, but not overly so.  He is almost plain looking, with no unusual features(The last two sentences are say the same thing...)He was well muscled from his past laborious work, but these lessened so He is now only lightly muscled.  He is not overweight because he does a bit of exercise, but he isn't the fittest person around either. (This sentence is alsoa bit repetative.  Overall, this section needs considerable work.  To start, you contain more information about how he used to look than that about his current appearance.  What you do describe of his current facade is only bits and pieces that do not seem to come together into a cohesive appearance.  More detail, as well as broader things, such as hair length, body type ect. would benefit this section greatly.)

Clothing:
Insert Space

 Pants, leather boots, a soft woollen surcoat over a woollen tunic in winter and the same in the summer but without the surcoat.  This can get a bit hot on some days but he is good at conjuring wind to cool himself.  These clothes are a neutral brown colour. (This section would benefit from a bit more detail.  Perhaps a description of each individual garmnet?  Also, an explanation as to why your character no longer wears the clothes of his tribe would be helpful.  Though he has spent time in Ximax, the academy is not far from his homeland and it would not be uncommon to see people dressed in a Centoraurian manner.  Look at your tribe entry for more details on typical clothing of his tribe.)

Personality:
Insert Space

He is a wary person who is often reclusive.  He takes time to choose whom he befriends and he chooses wisely.  Once he has though he will talk with them freely and regularly.  He saves his money not because he loves it but because he knows its value and keeps for something better and more useful.  He has a sense of what he believes is right and wrong and if somebody was in trouble, as long as it's not too minor, he would help them with or without rewards.  (This section is often considered to be the most important in the entire CD as it will dictate how your character acts and how your play him.  As such, it is generally asked that you are quite thorough in this section, and while you have some good ideas, expansion could not hurt.  Curgan describes the typical personality of a Centoraurian in the tribe entry quite well.  Perhaps you could draw some influence from there?)

Strengths and Weaknesses: Please use bullet points in this section.  Each bullet should be a general topic, followed by a few sentences explaining the strength or weakness.  For example Magic- a mage of the third level, Mannix displays mastery over Sphere I techinques and thus, is able to implement them with relative ease.

Strengths Mannix is good at magic and does well in his tutoring I feel to see how tutoring and magic can be grouped into the same weakness.  Ximax would not provide him with a personal tutor when he leaves the Academy nor would he be able to study magic on his own if he wishes to advance in levels..  This is advantageous to him because he can go through is tuitionThese last two mords don't make sense in the sentance quickly and with easeNo mage, regardless of talent progresses with ease.  Studying magic is a rigorous task., meaning he can become a more powerful mageFew magi ever reach high levels.  While striving to become one is a noble goal, he is not on a path to do so and have a better chance of having a better lifeUnless he remains confined in the tower, being a magi, unless a high level mage of either the archlevels or considerable influence, will most likely not provide him with a "better life."  Many Santharians are extremely skeptical of magic and, with increasing magical power, his life is more at risk than it would be should he never have studied magic at all..

While in XimaxI do not know much about the library at Ximax, but I am pretty certain that its volumes would devoted mainly to magical subjects. he studied many books about plants, focusing mainly on magical and medicinal plants.  This is beneficial because it can help his casting of magic and a good knowledge of medicinal herbs can always help if the situation arises when they are needed. Very few plants can be considered "magical' in the sense that you seem to describe it.  Reagents, more often than not, are not herbs, nor do they have any special properties that are absolutely essential to a spell.  In addition, since a third level mage will most likely have mastered Sphere I, he should be attempting to wean himself from the use of reagents when casting these types of spells.

He enjoys studying about animals, especially mythical ones, while still studying animals he may meet. This is helpful because he knows how to treat animals he may come across and what benefits they may have.  For example, if he were to see a dangerous animal he would recognize it and stay away from it.  These are all advantageous to Mannix because, as they say, ‘Knowledge is Power’.  While this is an interesting strength, its phrasing is a little strange.  Rewording here would be nice.  In addition, your strengths seem to be primarily skill oriented, but, it is generally asked that you include things, such as personality quirks that add flavor to the character.

Weaknesses:
Insert Space

 He has a tendency to rush into things and complete tasks as quickly as possible.  This is detrimental because things go wrong more often when he does this.

When he reads things he often forgets them easily if he doesn't review them, even briefly, every few months.  This is disadvantageous to him because he may forget something vital to him in a certain situation.  For a mage this is extremly unhelpful because he may forget something to do with a spell.  He needs to know how to do spells, there his only defence he is proficient at.  This does not really count as a weakness as the average person rarely remembers every single detail.  In addition, though the magic section of Santharia can be misleading, we don't really operate with spells in the traditional sense.  As long as your mage completely comprhends the thinking behind a certain concept he can apply it.  Also, the average Santharian does not have any weapons or any magical skills, therefore the lack of them is not deemed a weakness.

Almost every night he is haunted by his murdering of those two bandits.  This can wake him early and leave him tired and irritable throughout the day.  This can cause many incidents in which he usually comes out of for the worse. I don't really understand your last sentance.   While this can be shaped into a good strength, at this point, you do not do so.  Perhaps editing it so that the faces of the men he killed take more drastic tolls upon him would be in order.

Magic:
Insert Space

 Mannix is ‘gifted’Though others in the thread have told you that the status of Gifted One is playable, it is not.  They are restricted and therefore require special permission from either the admins or the magic devs(the only two who are active atm are myself and Twen). and so was highly sought after by the Academy.  He is a quite talented mage and excels through learningThis last snipit is a bit confusing.  Rewording should prevent this..  He can, of course, create winds and uses these to do many things such as move objects, hide himself, create protection and change himselfThis is awkwardly worded.  Perhaps it would be best to just sum this all up in a few words.  During his spare time he trains with his magic to become the best he can betrains isn’t the right word here.  Perhaps reviews?, to become more than could have with his family and in his villageThis last clause also doesn’t make sense, especially in the context of current Santharian politics .  Currently he is part way through level three wind magic. There are no “part ways” through levels.  Should you like further explanation for any of the magic stuff I have commented on, feel free to PM me.

I will leave your history for the mods to comment on.


Weapons:
Insert Space

 A quarterstaff used mainly as a walking stick, but it's there just in case.  It is just a bit shorter than Mannix by about a palmspan. this should be listed as a strength since Mannix has some proficiency in its use.

Belongings A medallion of a stylised lighting bolt with the runes for ‘só avásh’, wind, engraved into it.  This is to symbolise Grothar, God of the Weather.
A bag containing:
-A herbal tonic made from 'Dreamers Breath' for standard aliments.
-His spell book.
-A flask of water.
-A pouch containing a few coins.
-A small, dirty, cluttered book containing anything Mannix was intrigued by.

Familiars His mage and mentor's Ximax Cat follows Mannix everywhere he goes.  The cat is called Fenix, and has long, ash coloured fur, with the typical violet eyes.  It follows Mannix because he was instructed to feed it.  This resulted in the cat constantly following him as it became more dependent and loyal. These cats are quite…peculiar in nature an often act with human intellect.  A bit more here, especially concerning the cat’s abilities is a definite must.  In addition, the cat needs to be listed as a strength.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2007, 03:58:10 AM by Chuhan Car amn » Logged
Mannix
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #29 on: November 06, 2007, 10:43:47 AM »

@Chuhan Car amn

Thanks for loooking through my CD, it helped alot.
A few things though:

I said that Mannix used to live in a village doing hard mnual labour, not horse breeding (they have to eat somehow).

He would tan while doing this work

a lot of people say premature age won't work because hes not old, theres a reason why it is called premature.

It does describe his appearance I mearly stated that his appearance has change into that.

Intellectuals must take care of there hands if they want to do lots of (neat) writing.  Also they have the time to take care of them.

I did look at the entry on the tribe and this was the clothing.

When you critised my first strength I guess you must not have understood it at all so I'll have to change it.

The Herbarrium section clearly states that there are magical plants, it's a whole section.

My second weakness is so because it negates  my strengths, knowledge.  The CD help said it would be good to make a weakness in a strength.

Don't take offence to this, but you to not have understood my character at all.  I think if you had read my history everything would be properly explained.

@Helvíl
I have seen spells that low level mages can do that does the things described above.

Mannix
« Last Edit: November 06, 2007, 10:53:42 AM by Mannix » Logged

His word was the roar of thunder, His glance was the look of the eagle,
His might was the strenght of the bear, His guile was the cunning of the fox,
His temper was the death of men.
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