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- THE CD FORUM POSTICON SYSTEM -

Below is a summary on the posticons used for the character description approval process. The posticon of the first post should always be edited according to the current state of completion of the character description (either by the player, a Moderator or an Administrator).
1) PLAYER - CD is incomplete. Use this posticon if you have not finished your CD.  4) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by one moderator. A second mod's approval is needed.
 2) PLAYER - CD is completed. Use this if you have finished working on your CD.  5) MODERATOR - CD has been approved by two moderators. An Administrator should soon take care of the titling.
 3) MODERATOR - An expert's opinion is needed. The specific field in which the expert's help is needed should be added to the title.  6) ADMINISTRATOR - An administrator has titled the character, and the thread will soon be moved to the CD Archives.
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Author Topic: Pfaebourne/Diorye’oleal-Ordion/Opportunist [Revised 1.2]  (Read 56 times)
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pfaebourne
New Santharian

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Gender: Male
Posts: 2


« on: October 24, 2007, 01:19:26 AM »

Name:      Pfaebourne

Gender:   Male

Age:      41

Race:      Half-elf (Fey)

“Your elf is 50% Race (Human), 50% Diorye’oleal, and will live a maximum of 190 years.
Your elf looks like a human about 30 years old, has the approximate  knowledge & training of a 40 year old human, and is 41 years old..”



Tribe(s):   Diorye’oleal/Ordion

Occupation:   Opportunist

Title:      Magus of the Flame

Overview:

Pfaebourne was was the product of violence.  His mother died during childbirth, he was raised by an old Ordion farm couple.  He received nothing but love and affection from them and he thrived under their guidance.  Growing up he lived a typical life of a farmers child.  The general community accepted his mixed heritage, although the occasional stares from visitors did occur.   But there were a perceptive few who noticed that a dark pall was always on the boy, a detached coldness, just under the thin veneer of happiness…

History

The origin of his conception ever in the back of his mind, upon reaching early manhood Pfaebourne sought out the people of his father.  As he expected they wanted nothing to do with him, but he was determined to learn who his father was.  He stayed in the Hovel Frond Forest for many days before he found one that would talk to him, an ancient Diorye’oleal outcast called A’lin’alye.  A’lin’alye took Pfaebourne in and taught him of his father, Sal’ur and the madness that drove him to commit the act that conceived him. His father had been the lead propagator of a faction of Diorye’oleal who disagreed with the leadership.  The leaders feared the dissent would lead to revolt, and had him poisoned.  The poison drove him mad and he ran from the village in a rage.  In this rage he came upon Pfaebournes mother who was gathering herbs at the forest edge.  In his madness he attacked her and forced himself on her.  Later he was caught and brought before the village leaders where they passed quick judgment on him, sentencing him to death.  In a brief moment of lucidity, Sal’ur realized what he had done and asked the gods for forgiveness.  He was stabbed through the heart with a spear before he could expose his killers.

Upon hearing this, all hatred for his father left Pfaebournes heart.  Under the tutelage of A’lin’alye, he learned the ways of the Diorye’oleal, and he received the ancestral markings upon his skin.  He vowed to one day face those who wronged his family.

That part of his past laid to rest (for the time being), Pfaebourne threw himself into his studies at the Academy of Magic.  He excelled at the craft and was consistently at the top of his class.  Having not ever really been the sociable type, plus being from a rural background, Pfaebourne tended not to mix with the wealthy city types who made up the bulk of the Academy’s population. His reputation as a loner got him into trouble more than once, but his impressive performance kept him in the Arch Magus’s graces.

By the time he had completed his First Sphere training, Pfaebournes adoptive parents were very old and near death.  So he left the Academy to spend their remaining time together.  Upon their deaths a year later (they died within days of each other), he sold the family farm and set out to find his fortune, planning to continue his studies at a later date.

Appearance:

Pfaebourne has the dark black hair and chesnut brown skin of his mother.  He also has the tight muscular build and height of his father.  His shoulder length hair is worn free, hanging down.  His arms and back are covered in the traditional tattoos of the Diorye’oleal denoting his family line and animal familiar. Grey eyes add to his foreboding look.  When he smiles, its not a smile of joy, but one of warning…

Height:         2.2 ped
Hair:      Black
Eyes:      Silvery Grey

Clothing:   brown leather breeches,  black linen tunic with several hidden sewn in pockets, leather cap, black canvas hooded cape with interior pockets, brown leather traveling boots with built in dagger sheath in left boot, black soft leather gloves, black silk gloves.

Personality:   Pfaebourne’s primary motivation is self preservation.  Not that he’s a selfish person, but he’s not going to put himself at risk for others without serious incentive.  More of a loner than a team player.  A “cup half empty” more than a “cup half full” kind of guy.  Pfaebourne has spent his life alone in a crowd.  The bulk of his waking hours are spent in "his own world" of intense contemplation.  Never a social person, he dosen't shun others so to speak, but neither does he seek them out.  He dosent see the company of others as necessary.  Alone with his thoughts and his raven, Pfaebourne is happiest.  This dosent mean he is a hermit by any stretch.  He is frequently seen in town, and in local taverns where he takes his meals.  But there is no one in town who can honestly say they have shared more than a couple words with the mage.

Strengths:   
   Willpower – Pfaebourne has tremendous will power.  One his course is set, it is nearly impossible to change it.  This will also powers his magical abilities making him a formidable wielder of the art.  It is said he inherited this from his mother, who was looked upon as a leader in her village due to her ability to peacefully solve almost any dispute.

   Sleight of Hand – During his younger years, Pfaebourne was taught the “tricks” of a rouge by a traveling friend of the family, called Smiling Barelin.  The two shared a close friendship for several years until the day Barelin was killed by brigands on the road.  Pfaebourne mastered several of the techniques excelling in palming items and picking pockets.  These abilities combined with his magical prowess make him very good at getting into and out of trouble.

Weakness:   
   Moral Ambiguity – Pfaebourne lacks an innate love for his fellow man.  Its not anything personal, just a general coldness toward the general populace.  The only thing, besides his adoptive parents, that he has shown any warmth to is his (pet?) raven, which he calls Fate.  While he doesn’t go out of his way to harm anyone, he could just as easily pass by a drowning child and not lift a finger.

   Fear of Water – Pfaebourne has an unnatural fear of crossing moving water.  It is not known where this fear comes from, maybe some childhood traumatic event.  It has been the subject of many rumors in his village.  His reaction ranges from profuse sweating and shaking, to near total paralysis, to momentary unconsciousness.

       Twisted sense of humor - Pfaebourne has always been possessed of a rather dry, caustic wit (when he speaks at all).  He has also been known to play the odd prank, usually resulting in the mild scorching of the victims.  His pet raven, Fate, has also been utilized in the pranks, dropping "presents" on choice targets upturned faces.

Magic:

His adoptive parents used their meager earnings to send Pfaebourne to the Academy of Magic where he excelled.  A proficiency with fire earned him a well deserved reputation as one not to underestimate.  His strong will makes the manipulation of ouniá almost second nature to him. His instructors can not explain his affinity for fire, nor his aversion to utilizing any of the other elements.  Although he has the same amount of knowledge of them, receiving the same instruction in earth, water, and wind, as he did in fire; he demonstrates no ability with them.

Type:       Elemental
Specialty:  Fire (Car'áll/Ouniá)
Focus:      Heat/Light

Fire:  Pfaebourne can manipulate existing flame.  He can grow or extinguish it with little effort.  With a focus of will, Pfaebourne can also create flame, alighting flammable materials.  The largest so demonstrated was about the size of a hay wagon.  The effort left Pfaebourne physically weak for a couple of hours suffering from intense head pain.  Pfaebourne can animate flame causing it to jump from area to area with small effort.  Pfaebourne can handle flame with no ill effects to himself.  He can take existing flame into his hand and cause it to fly toward a chosen target up to 8 ped away.  Pfaebourne can cause objects to increase or decrease in temperature, from ambient temperature till their ignition point.

Light:  Pfaebourne can manipulate light.  He can increase or decrease its intensity at will, from near darkness to blinding.  Pfaebourne cannot create light.  Pfaebourne can cause an aura of light to surround his body, illuminating him and the immediate area up to a ped or so around him.  He has only been seen to have performed this feat once before and the effort left him weak for several days afterward.



Weapons:   Carries a 6ft staff adorned with carvings of animals.  He claims he found it in some ruins he was exploring during a break from his studies at the Academy of Magic. As he was alone, no one can refute the validity of this claim.  The staff looks like it is made from wood indigenous to the Hovel Frond Forest.  The carvings are similar to the tattoos that adorn his arms and back.  The staff is crowned by a very detailed carving of a large raven.

Belongings:   carrying pack, several spell reagents, food for 3-4 days journey, a water skin, small dagger, silk cord (3 ped), flint/tinder

Familiar:   Raven (Fate) - Pfaebourne found Fate, or rather Fate found Pfaebourne the day after his friend Barelin was murdered by brigands.  He ws off by himself mourning, when the huge black bird suddenly landed in front of him.  They silently stared at each other for several moments.  Then as if some signal had been passed, the raven jumped onto Pfaebournes shoulder.  He felt no fear for this creature, but rather a kindred spirit.  Almost as if he knew this bird.  He felt as if they were meant to meet.  Thus he called the raven "Fate".  They have been inseparable ever since.  Fate is usually seen with Pfaebourne, and when he isnt, no one knows his whereabouts.  The raven has a habit of suddenly appearing almost like it is answering a silent beckon.  Many is the rumor about the mix breed and his pet raven
« Last Edit: October 25, 2007, 08:45:53 AM by pfaebourne » Logged

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Pfaebourne
Mannix
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 24


Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2007, 12:52:17 PM »

Good start with your CD

Firstly, you need to change your message icon to the pencil or the !.

Secondly, you need more information on most things, try looking and the CD archives for help.

Thirdly, you have no history, I think you included it in your overview, so put in in a separate section please.

Your doing well so far and I can see you've done your homework.

Well done! grin
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His word was the roar of thunder, His glance was the look of the eagle,
His might was the strenght of the bear, His guile was the cunning of the fox,
His temper was the death of men.
Chuhan Car amn
Sightless Stone Shaper
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 67

Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2007, 03:59:33 PM »

Sphere two training is higher than level three and therefore requires special permission from the magic devs.  Seeing as you have chosen the element of fire, it is best if your consult either Twen, Mina, Marv, Thogas or any of the admins for your approval.
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pfaebourne
New Santharian

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 2


« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2007, 08:09:37 PM »

Ok... first of all thanks for the feedback!

Revisions -

1.  Scaled back the magic ability to level 3(?).  I read and re-read the magic guide and i think thats where he fits in.

2.  I "fleshed out" and added more detail to where it seemed like more explanation was necessary.  Mannix, you didn't specifically say where so I just eyeballed it LOL

3.  I added a separate history section.


I await your comments :)  Thank you.
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Pfaebourne
Rookie Brownbark
Skydiver
Approved Character
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Gender: Female
Posts: 743


Brownie, Llaoihrr


« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2007, 01:42:10 PM »

Hello Pfaebourne.  I’m not an official commenter so you don’t have to take my word for anything, but here are some ideas which will hopefully help you  :)    

Name:      Pfaebourne

Gender:   Male

Age:      41

Race:      Half-elf (Fey) Fey in Santharia means fairies, pixies and the like.  A half-elf could be called a Maelf, but usually we just say Half-Elf

“Your elf is 50% Race (Human), 50% Diorye’oleal, and will live a maximum of 190 years.
Your elf looks like a human about 30 years old, has the approximate  knowledge & training of a 40 year old human, and is 41 years old..”
You don’t need to include this really.

Tribe(s):   Diorye’oleal/Ordion Your parents tribes come from different continents.  You’ll need a good explanation of how they met to make this fly, or you could just change one of the tribes.  I would change the Human tribe, as then your character will already be in Southern Sarvonia where most of our stories start.

Occupation:   Opportunist  This is what he does to get money.  Just taking advantage of opportunities doesn’t really earn much.  Surely he is a mage?

Title:      Magus of the Flame

Overview:

Pfaebourne was was <~ just one wasthe product of violence.  His mother died during childbirth, he was raised by an old Ordion farm couple.  He received nothing but love and affection from them and he thrived under their guidance. <~ half elves are shunned for their heritage rather than excepted. Growing up he lived a typical life of a farmers child.  The general community accepted his mixed heritage, <~ sorry, but they wouldn’talthough the occasional stares from visitors did occur.   But there were a perceptive few who noticed that a dark pall was always on the boy, a detached coldness, just under the thin veneer of happiness…  I would put this in your history section, then make up something separate for the overview, or not have an overview even   

History Could you make sure the sections of your CD are in the usual order?  I know it seems fussy, but it really saves time when you’re rping and want to scan through for details. 

The origin of his conception ever in the back of his mind, upon reaching early manhood Pfaebourne sought out the people of his father. As he expected they wanted nothing to do with him, but he was determined to learn who his father was.  He stayed in the Hovel Frond Forest for many days before he found one that would talk to him, an ancient Diorye’oleal outcast called A’lin’alye.  A’lin’alye took Pfaebourne in and taught him of his father, Sal’ur and the madness that drove him to commit the act that conceived him. His father had been the lead propagator of a faction of Diorye’oleal who disagreed with the leadership.  The leaders feared the dissent would lead to revolt, and had him poisoned.  The poison drove him mad and he ran from the village in a rage.  In this rage he came upon Pfaebournes mother who was gathering herbs at the forest edge. Why was she gathering herbs in another continent!  ;)   In his madness he attacked her and forced himself on her.  Later he was caught and brought before the village leaders where they passed quick judgment on him, sentencing him to death.  In a brief moment of lucidity, Sal’ur realized what he had done and asked the gods for forgiveness.  He was stabbed through the heart with a spear before he could expose his killers.  So how did the outcast know all this?   

Upon hearing this, all hatred for his father left Pfaebournes heart.   Under the tutelage of A’lin’alye, he learned the ways of the Diorye’oleal, and he received the ancestral markings upon his skin.  He vowed to one day face those who wronged his family.

That part of his past laid to rest (for the time being), Pfaebourne threw himself into his studies at the Academy of Magic. Where did he study, how did he get the money to study…  He excelled at the craft and was consistently at the top of his class.  Having not ever really been the sociable type, plus being from a rural background, Pfaebourne tended not to mix with the wealthy city types who made up the bulk of the Academy’s population. His reputation as a loner got him into trouble more than once, but his impressive performance kept him in the Arch Magus’s graces.

By the time he had completed his First Sphere training, Pfaebournes adoptive parents were very old and near death. So he left the Academy to spend their remaining time together.  Upon their deaths a year later (they died within days of each other), he sold the family farm and set out to find his fortune, planning to continue his studies at a later date.

Appearance:

Pfaebourne has the dark black hair and chesnut brown skin of his mother.  He also has the tight muscular build and height of his father.  His shoulder length hair is worn free, hanging down.  His arms and back are covered in the traditional tattoos of the Diorye’oleal denoting his family line and animal familiar.    Grey eyes add to his foreboding look.  When he smiles, its not a smile of joy, but one of warning…  It would be good to have a little more detail here, as others are going to use this to describe how they see your character when they meet him.   

Height:         2.2 ped
Hair:      Black
Eyes:      Silvery Grey

Clothing:   brown leather breeches,  black linen tunic with several hidden sewn in pockets, leather cap, black canvas hooded cape with interior pockets, brown leather traveling boots with built in dagger sheath in left boot, black soft leather gloves, black silk gloves. Also a little more detail would be nice here, instead of just a list  ;)   

Personality:   Pfaebourne’s primary motivation is self preservation.  Not that he’s a selfish person, but he’s not going to put himself at risk for others without serious incentive.  More of a loner than a team player.  A “cup half empty” more than a “cup half full” kind of guy.  Pfaebourne has spent his life alone in a crowd.  The bulk of his waking hours are spent in "his own world" of intense contemplation.  Never a social person, he dosen't shun others so to speak, but neither does he seek them out.  He dosent see the company of others as necessary.  Alone with his thoughts and his raven, Pfaebourne is happiest.  This dosent mean he is a hermit by any stretch.  He is frequently seen in town, and in local taverns where he takes his meals.  But there is no one in town who can honestly say they have shared more than a couple words with the mage.

Strengths:   
   Willpower – Pfaebourne has tremendous will power.  One <~ once   his course is set, it is nearly impossible to change it.  This will also powers his magical abilities making him a formidable wielder of the art.  It is said he inherited this from his mother, who was looked upon as a leader in her village due to her ability to peacefully solve almost any dispute. Magical abilities should be listed as a separate strength.   

   Sleight of Hand – During his younger years, Pfaebourne was taught the “tricks” of a rouge by a traveling friend of the family, called Smiling Barelin.  The two shared a close friendship for several years until the day Barelin was killed by brigands on the road.  Pfaebourne mastered several of the techniques excelling in palming items and picking pockets.  These abilities combined with his magical prowess make him very good at getting into and out of trouble.  Could you put the story in your history?   

Weakness:   
   Moral Ambiguity – Pfaebourne lacks an innate love for his fellow man.  Its not anything personal, just a general coldness toward the general populace.  The only thing, besides his adoptive parents, that he has shown any warmth to is his (pet?) raven, which he calls Fate.  While he doesn’t go out of his way to harm anyone, he could just as easily pass by a drowning child and not lift a finger.

   Fear of Water – Pfaebourne has an unnatural fear of crossing moving water.  It is not known where this fear comes from, maybe some childhood traumatic event.  It has been the subject of many rumors in his village.  Even if he doesn’t know what caused this, you as the writer do.  Pop the story in your history  :).   His reaction ranges from profuse sweating and shaking, to near total paralysis, to momentary unconsciousness.

       Twisted sense of humor - Pfaebourne has always been possessed of a rather dry, caustic wit (when he speaks at all).  He has also been known to play the odd prank, usually resulting in the mild scorching of the victims.  His pet raven, Fate, has also been utilized in the pranks, dropping "presents" on choice targets upturned faces.

Magic:

 Unfortunatly I don’t know enough about magic to comment on it.   


Weapons:   Carries a 6ft staff adorned with carvings of animals.  He claims he found it in some ruins he was exploring during a break from his studies at the Academy of Magic. Another story for your history?  Again, you know what happened even if others don’t   As he was alone, no one can refute the validity of this claim.  The staff looks like it is made from wood indigenous to the Hovel Frond Forest.  The carvings are similar to the tattoos that adorn his arms and back.  The staff is crowned by a very detailed carving of a large raven. Ooo pretty!   

Belongings:   carrying pack, several spell reagents, food for 3-4 days journey, a water skin, small dagger, silk cord (3 ped), flint/tinder

Familiar:   Raven (Fate) Maybe a truly Santharian bird like the Corbie would be better.  They are very large crow/raven things.    - Pfaebourne found Fate, or rather Fate found Pfaebourne the day after his friend Barelin was murdered by brigands.  He ws <~was   off by himself mourning, when the huge black bird suddenly landed in front of him.  They silently stared at each other for several moments.  Then as if some signal had been passed, the raven jumped onto Pfaebournes shoulder.  Um...he would have to do something to tame it, birds don’t just randomly decide to become familiars.   He felt no fear for this creature, but rather a kindred spirit.  Almost as if he knew this bird.  He felt as if they were meant to meet.  Thus he called the raven "Fate".  They have been inseparable ever since.  Fate is usually seen with Pfaebourne, and when he isnt, no one knows his whereabouts.  The raven has a habit of suddenly appearing almost like it is answering a silent beckon.  Many is the rumor about the mix breed and his pet raven. <~ I don’t understand this sentence.   

There we go.  I dare say the mods will have a few more things to say, but I hope these comments help you on your way.

I wish you a speedy approval, good luck!
   
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