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Author Topic: Derrik Duskrider ~ Llaoihrr ~ Scout / Hunter  (Read 113 times)
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Derrik Duskrider
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« on: October 26, 2007, 07:27:54 AM »

Name: Derrik Duskrider

Gender: Male

Age: 19

Race: Brownie

Tribe: Llaoihrr (Greybark Brownie)

Occupation: Scout / Hunter

Title: Grey Scout

Overview: Derrik was born on the road, his family fleeing the Vale due to crimes committed by his father. Derrik wasn't even a year old when he was orphaned and found a new home with a human couple. He grew up with them, learning the ways of a woodsman from his human father, and living a wonderful life. When he turned seventeen he set out to see the world and his homeland. After a disappointing experience he left the Vale to look for the grand adventures of dreams. Hopes and dreams propelled Derrik forward into the unknown.

Apperance

Height: 15 nailsbreadth

Weight: 1 od and a mut

Hair Color: Dark Grey

Eye Color: Dark Grey

Physical Apperance
               Derrik is a greybark brownie. His grey skin is only a little lighter than his dark grey eyes and hair. His eyes are dark grey and at times appear almost black. They hold the gentle sparkle of youth within their shadowy depths. His shaggy dark grey hair is always a problem. His parents had constantly made him keep his hair cropped short but now that he his on his own he is letting it grow out. It has become more trouble then it is worth in his opinion, the growing hair always falling into his face and obscuring his vision. It also causes the back of his neck to itch terribly. He won't cut it short again though, seeing the short hair as a trait of his childhood that he has left behind. He plans to grow it out to his shoulders as his father had worn his hair. His small nose shows signs of having been broken once or twice. His features are soft, giving him a boyish look that seems to be following him through life. A certain glint in his eyes betrays more than he wishes, showing the hardened and serious side of him at times.

                His shoulders are broad but the rest of his body leans toward a more slender build, his smooth muscles flow easily beneath his clothes as he moves. Derrik's long arms dangle by his side when he walks, though when standing around one thumb usually finds its way through a loop in his belt out of some strange habit. His father's belts had always had an unusual leather loop to one side which he would always find his thumb looped around when he stood. At a young age Derrik had taken to imitating his human father and had asked his mother to sew a loop into his own little leather belt. Since then he has adopted the habit of standing with his thumb looped through that little bit of leather. His long, strong legs give him a powerful stride that is almost pathetic to humans but rivals the stride of a lot of brownies.

Clothing
               When he was growing Derrik's human mother tried very hard to make clothes to fit him but usually ended up making them a little too large. During the short time he spent with other brownies he acquired some mouse leather breeches, shirt, and boots. Derrik usually wears a mixture those. He always wears the leather breeches and boots he acquired in the vale since the ones his mother made don't fit very well. With that he either wears one of the shirts his mother had made from him over the mouse leather shirt or sometimes just the too big cotton shirt. He owns three pull over shirts from his mother, a grey, a green, and a blue. Another two open front shirts make his makes up the rest of his wardrobe. The open front shirts used to have little wooden buttons, but they had fallen off long ago. One of the shirts is black and the other white. With that he will usually wear a small leather jacket with sleeves that reach his elbows. His mother made it for him as well when he went hunting with his father, it was a difficult task to make the little leather jacket but she had succeeded and it was only slightly baggy. A leather belt circles his waist, the belt has a little leather loop sewn to it on one side. Two leather holders cross his shoulders, ready to accommodate two little spears. Lastly, he has a dark grey cloak that he wears mostly in the winter. He dons this cloak sometimes to keep hidden, the grey material easily lost in the shadows.

Personality
               Derrik is a fun loving little guy. There is very little that can bring him down and it is often commented that he had a huge heart. He is always quick to laugh and first to joke and extremely social. He will give anyone a fair chance to prove themselves and won't judge people on first appearance. He jokes and boasts with the best, spinning the tallest tales. Derrik is very proud though and won't even think twice about messing with a full grown human. This usually gets him in trouble with men that can squish him like a bug. His stubbornness usually helps in making matters worse for the little guy but he isn't the kind to submit to others no matter how much bigger they are. The only thing that has kept him from becoming a stain on some tavern table is the fact that he easily makes friends. He draws people to him with his fun loving attitude and they usually watch his back for him. He strikes a funny image with his thumb through a loop in his belt and a frown on his face when he's agitated. It only takes a few choice words to get this little guy fired up, but most the time he's in a good mood. When having a good time with friends he forgets to be watchful of his surroundings. This can cause problems sometimes and get him into trouble with people who he's crossed.

               Derrik isn't the kind to shy away from fighting but he doesn't like it either. It is just something that happens and he won't hesitate to pick up his bow and spears. He might not do much against any other race in a fight but he makes a good distraction at times. He is very honorable and duty bound and will do what he is told most of the time, as long as he can clearly see the point of his job and it doesn't involve the injuring of innocents. When he is on a job his fun loving, goofy nature is replaced by a serious attitude that none realize he possesses. He takes his work seriously, separating work and play in his life.

Strengths
          Derrik has learned to wield a spear fairly well, and is a good as he can get without formal training at his age. His human father taught him to make his own spears and use them. It is mostly a projectile weapon for him since his prey is usually larger than him but at times it helps in close combat.

          He is pretty good with a bow. His human father taught him how to make a bow and how to fletch arrows when he was little, and then showed him how to use it. His father had been a trained huntsman by his father who had been trained by his father and so on.  He is also fair shoot mounted on the back of his fox.

          His fun loving and open nature pull people toward him. People find the brownie fun to be around and he is constantly surrounding himself with friends. He makes many friends that will help him out in a tight stop even though he doesn't ask. This is the secret to the brownies survival so far though he doesn't realize it.

          He has always been good around animals and had a habit that annoyed his parents. He would always bring home little creatures that he could coax into following him. His most loyal friend is a little grey fox he calls Korth. The silver fox is his companion and mount. He is a great help when getting around and also with tracking. They have become a great team over the last two years.

Weaknesses
          Derrik is always getting himself into fights that are a little uneven. The little brownie is constantly picking fights with bigger, stronger men that can crush him. His stubborn and proud nature gets him into these messes and one day might get him killed. As much as he tries he can't control his little mouth if someone insults him or gets on his bad side.

          Around friends he lets his guard down and is vulnerable to outside attacks. He doesn't realize this at all so it is all the more dangerous. With as many enemies as he makes it could prove fatal one time, allowing someone that doesn't like him to get too close.

          Derrik is very trusting and won't judge people before he knows them. He will find that the world isn't all good and someday he will get hurt. Leaving himself open like that also allows people who intend harm to get to close to him and he will give them the same chance as everyone else even though they probably don't deserve it.

          This daring little guy doesn't seem to realize that dangers could hide in every corner. He is always looking for the next grand adventure and doesn't know the meaning of caution. He is always sticking his nose where it doesn't belong and putting himself and possibly others in harms way. If anyone tells him to be careful or watch out he just scoffs and goes on his way.

History

     Well I guess your wondering how a brownie got to be raised by humans. If you not wondering that I'm going to start worrying cause I think I have mentioned a human father and mother a few times already. Oh, don't bother going back now cause I'm about to tell the story. Pull up a chair, would hate to leave you standing the entire time. And please hold all questions till the end. Alright, quit getting impatient on me, here it is.

     Derrik's father, Errol, was a greybark brownie. Big shock huh? Oh, well Errol lived in the Vale of Brownies. He grew up there, joining the Ferretmaster clan when he turned fifteen. A typical brownie so far huh? Well Errol fell in love with yet another greybark brownie. Wow, got a lot of them around. Ok, enough with my comment's I'll just tell the story as it happened. Well his father and mother really hit it off at first and got married. After that things took a turn for the worst. He got in a fight with another brownie, one from another clan. They had grown up together and the other brownie had constantly teased his father and then the line was crossed. The other man made snide comments about Errol and his clan, after years of being tormented by this man he was fed up. One night they had gotten into a fight and knives were drawn. Neither was very skilled with the weapon and they bloodied themselves as much as each other. In the end, Derrik's father stood over the body of his old enemy. He knew he had to leave then, so he took his wife and they left the vale.
 
     Eighty days later, Derrik was born on the road. Two month's earlier they had found out about him. While they welcomed the child he would become a burden in their exile. They traveled around, and Derrik grew a little, more in age then size. The little bundle of joy made the going tough and his crying attracted predators. They kept going though, his mother and father's red foxes getting them through. The little family have been heading north, just choosing a direction when they set out and not exactly sure where they were going or when they would stop. They had reached the Warnaka Mountains before Derrik turned one year old. That’s when it all went bad.

     They had been traveling through the forest, a pack of wolves at their backs yet they didn't know it. The wolves had picked up a scent and hunting for this small pack had been scare lately so they were willing to get a hold of anything they could. They thought all was peaceful until the baying of the predator on the trail could be heard near by. They coxed the foxes forward faster but that didn't help. The wolves soon appeared on their trail. Derrik's mother looked back for a moment and the fox she was riding swerved to avoid a tree and threw its rider. His father saw and turned back to her, forgetting that little Derrik was still strapped to the foxes back. His parents were killed by the wolves that afternoon, unable to get away.

     The little fox that got away was forgotten by the predators, and it kept running. After a while it slowed and wandered onto a clearing where a little cottage was built. Dusk was upon the land by then and the owner of the cottage spotted the fox from the window as it approached. He jumped up immediately, needing to protect the few chickens he owned. He grabbed his bow and raced outside and aimed at the little red beast. The man let the arrow loose, the arrow piercing the little fox's neck. When he went to collect the animal he noticed a little bundle tired the beasts back. To his surprise it was a brownie baby. The fox and its pelt were forgotten as he returned to the house with the infant.

     His human parents were Erpheronians but they dwelled on the edge of that existance, having abandoned that way of life years before, still traces of the tribes proud nature can be found in the little brownie. The man was named Jeroth and he and his wife, Jenna, raised the little brownie baby. They named him after Jeroth's father and gave him the surname Duskrider since that was what happened. He came to them riding the back of a red fox at dusk. It was awkward for the couple at first, tending to the being that seemed to get lost in everything but they adjusted. Jeroth and Jenna had never been able to have children of their own and they enjoyed every minute they spent with their adopted son. The brownie grew and when he turned ten Jeroth started taking him with him on his hunts. He taught his little boy to make a bow; patiently teaching him step by step and when he was done Derrik had a crude but functional bow. Jeroth was very proud of his son that day.

     There was one main problem with the boy though. He was always bringing home little birds and animals. He would bring anything he could coax into following home and he was always searching for odd animals. He parents couldn't get to him to leave the animals in the forest so it was no surprise when they couldn't get one to leave. Well I'm getting ahead of my self so let's back up once more. So, his parents were constantly worrying for the safety of their little boy but he seemed to handle himself well and never wandered too far into the forest.

     Well Derrik took to the bow quickly and over the years learned to use the weapon well. Jeroth also taught him to make spears his side and how to use them, propelling them a fair distance at his prey. All this knowledge sunk deep into Derrik, he loved it all. From a young age he had a love for the wilderness that rivaled his human fathers. He enjoyed the peace and tranquility that he could find there and quickly grew attached. The years passed quickly.

     Well Derrik was about seventeen now and still hadn't broken his habit of bring animals home. This time the animal wouldn't leave. He had found a grey fox pup in the forest. It had been all alone and caught up in a strand of vine. Derrik had helped the pup out and offered it the little bit of dried meat he had in his pack. The pup accepted it before bounding off into the forest. The next day he had returned to that area of the forest, just walking around without even thinking about it. The pup was curled up next to the vines again, apparently sleeping. When Derrik approached though the little foxed looked at him and coaxed another small strip of dried meat out of the brownie. This went on for days and after about two weeks the fox started to follow him. For about a month they were together in secret, the fox leaving him when Derrik went home at night but finding him the next morning. After that the fox started following Derrik to the house to his parent's dismay. If anything the little grey pup enjoyed evading his Jeroth and Jenna's attempts of chasing him away. The soon gave up and Derrik and the pup became inseparable.

     It was about that time Derrik decided that he needed to leave home. He had figured out early in his life that Jeroth and Jenna weren't his real parents and had asked many questions. He learned that a tribe of brownies live in the Vale of Brownies. What a big shock. He didn't know if he came form that tribe or what but he wanted to find out. He knew the human brownie that his parents had raised but he felt like he didn't know the real Derrik. He loved his home but was becoming restless and wanted to know his own kind and see the world. So he made his farewells and promised to visit before he set off.

     He traveled to the Vale of Brownies first, determined to meet his people. He didn't really know where he was going and his parents didn't have much of an idea where it was. So he found himself traveling south and visiting a few cities, looking for someone that knew and he found him. He had found another brownie in one of the small villages on the way, and was given fairly rough directions. It took trial and error but after a while he stumbled upon the right path. As soon as he reached the vale he wished he hadn't. It wasn't at all what he thought it would be and he felt uncomfortable around people his own size. And he couldn't speak the language at all. After a few weeks he left, deeply disappointed in his home but that soon passed, the whole world was ahead of him. So he set out, in search of grand adventures and dazzling sights.

Weapons
          Derrik carries two spears with him that he made himself. These spears stand nineteen nailsbreadth's tall and can usually be found strapped across Derrik's back. They aren’t much more than a distraction to any other race but he finds them helpful.

          He also has a bow that he bought in the vale during his brief visit to his homeland. He had cracked his old bow falling from a tree days after he reached the vale. He bought a new bow there and is very comfortable with the well made weapon. He also has a quiver of arrows, some he fletched himself, others he bought.           

Belongings
     -Iron Hunting Knife
     -A couple waterskins
     -Clothes
     -Trail rations
     -A coin pouch
     -Weapons
     -Packs for his stuff
     -Blankets
     

Familiars
          Korth is a little silver fox that he found as a pup. He had helped the grey fox pup out of a tangle of vines and offered it food one day. After that it kept appearing and Derrik kept feeding it. Once the pup started following him on his father and mother tried to chase it off but they eventually gave up. Derrik and Korth grew close. Now the fox carries the greybark brownie across the continent. Korth is 57 nailsbreadth long and 34 nailsbreadth tall. His chest and stomach is white fur and the back of his neck is faded rust brown. The rest of his little body is covered in silver fur.
« Last Edit: October 27, 2007, 12:02:59 AM by Derrik Duskrider » Logged
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Posts: 743


Brownie, Llaoihrr


« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2007, 10:16:16 AM »

Oh oh oh! Another Llaoihrr Brownie!  As soon as I get a minute you can be sure I will read this  grin

Edit:

I shall comment in red.  I am not an official moderator, so these are only suggestions, but I personally think they are very good suggestions!  ;) 

Name: Derrik Duskrider

Gender: Male

Age: 19

Race: Brownie

Tribe: Llaoihrr (Greybark Brownie)

Occupation: Scout / Hunter

Title: Grey Scout

Overview: Derrik had been <--was  born on the road, his family fleeing the Vale due to crimes committed by his father. Derrik wasn't even a yearold   when he was orphaned and found a new home with a human couple. He grew up with them, learning the ways of a woodsman from his human father, and living a wonderful life. When he turned seventeen he set out to see the world and his homeland. After a disappointing experience he left the Vale and set out<--you just used “set out” maybe a different verb?   to look for the grand adventures of dreams. The youthful brownie's head full of hope and dreams that propelled him forward into good and bad times to come. <-- there is no verb in this sentance 

Apperance Appearance 

Height: 19 nailsbreadth Llaoihrr Brownies are usually around 15 nailsbreaths, he is taller by almost a third! 

Weight: an od and a mut

Hair Color: Dark Grey

Eye Color: Dark Grey

Physical Apperance
               Derrik is a greybark brownie. His grey skin is only a little lighter than his dark grey eyes and hair. His eyes are dark grey and at times appear almost black. They hold the gentle sparkle of youth within their shadowy depths. His shaggy dark grey hair is always a problem. His parents had constantly made him keep his hair cropped short but now that he his on his own he is letting it grow out. It has become more trouble then it is worth in his opinion, the growing hair always falling into his face and obscuring his vision. It also causes the back of his neck to itch terrible <--terribly  . He won't cut it short again though, seeing the short hair as a trait of his childhood that he has left behind. He plans to grow it out to his shoulders as his father had worn his hair. His small nose shows signs of having been broken once or twice. The once straight attachment <--attachment?  Maybe another word would be better?  is somewhat crooked now. His features are soft, giving him a boyish look that seems to be following him through life. They also show signs of the steel hidden beneath his fun-loving exterior.  How do they show this? 

                His shoulders are broad but the rest of his body leans toward a more slender build, his smooth muscles flow easily beneath his clothes as he moves. Derrik's long arms dangle by his side when he walks, though when standing around one thumb usually finds its way through a loop in his belt out of some strange habit. His father's belts had always had an unusual leather loop to one side which he would always find his thumb looped around when he stood. At a young age Derrik had taken to imitating his human father and had asked his mother to sew a loop into his own little leather belt. Since then he had taken up the habit of standing with his thumb looped through that little bit of leather. His long, strong legs give him a powerful stride that is almost pathetic to humans but rivals the stride of a lot of brownies.

There are several sentances here and in other parts of your CD which are in the pluperfect (e.g. had done, had played, had had).  Its really a matter of style, so I have left it, but I don't think its necessary.  If you would like me to go through and point out these sentances, ask and I shall :)

Clothing
               When he was growing Derrik's human mother had tried hard to make clothes to fit him but usually ended up making them a little too large. During the short time he spent with other brownies he acquired some mouse leather breeches, shirt, and boots. He usually wears a mixture of that<-- those   . He can usually be found wearing the mouse leather breeches and boots. <-- You’ve just said this   He either wears one of the shirts his mother had made from him over the mouse leather shirt or sometimes just the too big cotton shirt. He has three pull over shirts from his mother, a grey, a green, and a blue. He also has two open front shirts that used to have little wooden buttons, but they had long fallen off, one is black and the other white. With that he will usually wear a small leather jacket with sleeves that reach his elbows. His mother had made this for him as well when he went hunting with his father, it was a difficult task to make the little leather jacket but she had succeeded and it was only slightly baggy. A leather belt circles his waist and two leather holders cross his shoulders, ready to accommodate two little spears. Lastly, he has a dark grey cloak that he wears mostly in the winter. He dons this cloak sometimes to keep hidden, the grey material easily lost in the shadows.

Personality
               Derrik is a fun loving little guy. There is very little that can bring him down and it is often commented that he had a huge heart. He is always quick to laugh and first to joke and extremely social. He will give anyone a fair chance to prove themselves and won't judge people on first appearance. He jokes and boasts with the best, spinning the tallest tales. Derrik is very proud though and won't even think twice about messing with a full grown human. This usually gets him in trouble with men that can squish him like a bug.  His stubbornness usually helps in making matters worse for the little guy but he isn't the kind to submit to others no matter how much bigger they are. So how come you’re not squished?  He strikes a funny image with his thumb through a loop in his belt and a frown on his face when he's agitated. It only takes a few choice words to get this little guy fired up, but most the time he's in a good mood. When having a good time with friends he forgets to be watchful of his surroundings. This can cause problems sometimes and get him into trouble with people who he's crossed.

               Derrik isn't the kind to shy away from killing but he doesn't like it either. You realise that his weapons are too small to do much damage to a human right? You’d have to get a very lucky shot to kill anyone. Llaiohrr Brownies usually cover them in poison to make them more effective.  It is just something that happens and he won't hesitate to pick up his bow and spears. He is very honorable and duty bound and will do what he is told most of the time, as long as he can clearly see the point of his job and it doesn't involve the killing of innocents. When he is on a job his fun loving, goofy nature is replaced by a serious attitude that none realize he possesses. He takes his work seriously, separating work and play in his life.

Strengths
          Derrik has learned to wield a spear fairly well, and is a good as he can get without formal training at his age. His human father taugh <--taught   him to make his own spears and use them. It is mostly a projectile weapon for him since his prey is usually larger than him but at times it helps in close combat.

          He is pretty good with a bow. His human father taught him how to make a bow and how to fletch arrows when he was little, and then showed him how to use it. His father had been a trained huntsman by his father who had been trained by his father and so on. At his age he is as good as he can get and is a fair shoot mounted on the back of his fox.  How good is that? 

          His fun loving and open nature pull people toward him. People find the brownie fun to be around and he is constantly surrounding himself with friends. He makes many friends that will help him out in a tight stop even though he doesn't ask. This is the secret to the brownies survival so far though he doesn't realize it.  Ok that probably answers my “why aren’t you squished question above, you might want to add it to your personality 

          He has always been good around animals and since he could walk foxes seem to be attracted to him and trust him. Foxes are shy and his main attractive quality would be his conveniently small, crunchable size.  His most loyal friend is a little grey fox he calls Korth. The silver fox is his companion and mount. He is a great help when getting around and also with tracking. They have become a great team over the last two years. Still, keep Korth in your strengths, you’re right, he should be there.  :) 

Weaknesses
          Derrik is always getting himself into fights that are a little uneven. The little brownie is constantly picking fights with bigger, stronger men that can crush him. His stubborn and proud nature gets him into these messes and one day might get him killed. As much as he tries he can't control his little mouth if someone insults him or gets on his bad side.

          Around friends he lets his guard down and is vulnerable to outside attacks. He doesn't realize this at all so it is all the more dangerous. With as many enemies as he makes it could prove fatal one time, allowing someone that doesn't like him to get too close.

          Derrik is very trusting and won't judge people before he knows them. He will find that the world isn't all good and someday he will get hurt. Leaving himself open like that also allows people who intend harm to get to close to him and he will give them the same chance as everyone else even though they probably don't deserve it.

          This daring little man doesn't seem to realize that dangers could hide in every corner. He is always looking for the next grand adventure and doesn't know the meaning of caution. He is always sticking his nose where it doesn't belong and picking fights where he shouldn’t.  This sounds the same as your first weakness, either take it out or change it so its clearly different. 

History

     Well I guess your wondering how a brownie got to be raised by humans. If you not wondering that I'm going to start worrying cause I think I have mentioned a human father and mother a few times already. Oh, don't bother going back now cause I'm about to tell the story. Pull up a chair, would hate to leave you standing the entire time. And please hold all questions till the end. Alright, quit getting impatient on me, here it is.

     Derrik's father was a greybark brownie. Big shock huh? Oh, well he grew up in the Vale of Brownies. He grew up there, joining the Ferretmaster clan when he turned fifteen. Its not really clear here that its your father you’re talking about – I thought for a while it was Derrik and got very confused     A typical brownie so far huh? He grew up and fell in love with yet another greybark brownie. Wow, got a lot of them around. Ok, enough with my comment's I'll just tell the story as it happened. Well his father and mother really hit it off at first and got married. After that things took a turn for the worst. He got in a fight with another brownie, one from another clan. They had grown up together and the other brownie had constantly teased his father and then the line was crossed. How?   One night they had gotten into a fight and knives were drawn. Neither was very skilled with the weapon and they have bloodied <--take out the “have”   themselves as much as each other. In the end, Derrik's father stood over the body of his old enemy. He knew he had to leave then, so he took his wife and they left the vale.
 
     Eighty days later, Derrik was born on the road. Two month's earlier they had found out about him.  While they welcomed the child he would become a burden in their exile. They traveled around, and Derrik grew a little, more in age then size. The little bundle of joy made goings tough<-- made the going tough and his crying attracted predators. They kept going though, his mother and father's red foxes getting them through. They had reached the Warnaka Mountains about a month before Derrik would be turning one year old. <--before Derrik turned one year old   That’s when it all went bad.

Was there a particular reason for them to travel north? 

     They had been traveling through the forest, a pack of wolves at their backs yet they didn't know it. They thought all was peaceful until the baying of the predator on the trail could be heard near by. Why would wolves attack them? A pack would normally go for something much bigger, like a human or a deer.  I’m sure you can think of a reason though  ;)   They coxed the foxes forward faster but that didn't help. The wolves soon appeared on their trail. Derrik's mother looked back for a moment and the fox she was riding swerved to avoid a tree and threw its rider. His father saw and turned back to her, forgetting that little Derrik was still strapped to the foxes back. His parents were killed by the wolves that afternoon, unable to get away.

     The little fox that got away was forgotten by the predators, and it kept running. After a while it slowed and wandered onto a clearing where a little cottage was built. Dusk was upon the land by then and the owner of the cottage spotted the fox from the window as it approached. He jumped up immediately, needing to protect the few chickens he owned. He grabbed his bow and raced outside and aimed at the little red beast. Suddenly the fox turned and a tiny bundle of cloth could be seen strapped to its back. The man lowered his bow and cautiously approached. The fox for some reason stood still, waiting for the man. Hmm, you could say the man offered it a bit of meat or something…why would it just randomly stand still?  Or maybe the man shot it, then when he went to skin it he found the Brownie?  He untied the little bundle from the foxes back and then the creature bolted. To the man's surprise a little brownie baby was wrapped within the bundle.

     The man was named Jeroth and he and his wife, Jenna, raised the little brownie baby. It would be nice to know the humans tribe to, as this will have shaped Derrik more than the Llaoihrr tribe.  They named him after Jeroth's father and gave him the surname Duskrider since that was what happened. He came to them riding the back of a red fox at dusk. It was awkward at first, tending to the being that seemed to get lost in everything but they adjusted. Jeroth and Jenna had never been able to have children of their own and they enjoyed every minute they spent with their adopted son. The brownie grew and when he turned ten Jeroth started taking him with him on his hunts. He taught his little boy to make a bow; patiently teaching him step by step and when he was done Derrik had a crude but functional bow. Jeroth was very proud of his son that day.

     There was one main problem with the boy though. He was always bringing home animals, and one day it seemed a whole horde of foxes has <-- had  followed him. This happened once every year or so and it was very strange to the couple but they could usually run the foxes off easily. Ok it wasn't really a horde, but three or four foxes would be following him, and he seemed to enjoy the company of the beasts. It wasn't odd when one wouldn't leave, but I'm jumping ahead now.
Um…the foxes would only follow him to eat him, they’re predators and he is bitesize!  Also, foxes are not pack animals, they don’t tolerate each other unless they’re cubs or mates 

     Well Derrik took to the bow quickly and over the years learned to use the weapon well. Jeroth also taught him to make spears his side and how to use them, propelling them a fair distance at his prey. All this knowledge sunk deep into Derrik, he loved it all. From a young age he had a love for the wilderness that rivaled his human fathers. He enjoyed the peace and tranquility that he could find there and quickly grew attached. The years passed quickly.

     Well Derrik was about seventeen now and once more was being followed around by foxes. Now one was a grey fox, the only one they had ever seen around him. His parents tried to run the foxes off but the grey fox wouldn't leave, he seemed to be enjoying the game of avoiding Derrik's parents. In the end they gave up and the fox quickly attached himself to Derrik and Derrik to the fox. Foxes are wild, shy animals, them just following him for no reason doesn’t work, sorry.  Especially when, as I have said, you are about the same size as their prey.  It was about that time Derrik decided that he needed to leave home. He loved his home but was becoming restless; he wanted to see more of his own kind and the world. So he made his farewells and promised to visit before he set off.

     He traveled to the Vale of Brownies first, determined to meet his people. I think this needs more explanation, leaving your home to travel for over a year to somewhere you don’t remember or even know how to get to needs a better reason than restlessness.  As soon as he reached the vale he wished he hadn't. It wasn't at all what he thought it would be and he felt uncomfortable around people his own size. And he couldn't speak the language at all. After a few weeks he left, deeply disappointed in his home but that soon passed, the whole world was ahead of him. So he set out, in search of grand adventures and dazzling sights.

Weapons
          Derrik carries two spears with him that he made himself. These spears stand twenty-two nailsbreadth's tall and can usually be found strapped across Derrik's back. 

          He also has a bow that he bought in the vale during his brief visit to his homeland. He had cracked his old bow falling from a tree days after he reached the vale. He bought a new bow there and is very comfortable with the well made weapon. He also has a quiver of arrows, some he fletched himself, others he bought.           

Belongings
     -Iron Hunting Knife
     -A couple waterskins
     -Clothes
     -Trail rations
     -A coin pouch
     -Weapons
     -Packs for his stuff
     -Blankets
     -Pouchfull of iron arrow heads
     -Pouchfull of iron spear tips
     

Familiars
          Korth is a little silver fox that kind of found him. As I have said before, this doesn’t really work.  Maybe Derrik found him as an orphan cub and fed him or something?   He had strange days where foxes followed him home.  Among all the red foxes, Korth had been the only silver. Derrik had seen other silvers in the woods around their home but Korth had been the only one that followed him. And even though his father tried to chase the fox away it always came back. His parents finally gave up and Derrik and Korth grew close. Now the fox carries the greybark brownie across the continent.

Sorry if I seem a little blunt in my comments, I was trying to be clear and understandable, but its a hard line to balance.  I very much enjoyed reading your CD, its unusual, well thought out and you’ve obviously done your research.  A mighty thumbs up to you and I shall be back to see how you get on.  If you have any questions about what I have said, do not hesitate to ask them. 
« Last Edit: October 26, 2007, 12:32:15 PM by Rookie Brownbark » Logged

Derrik Duskrider
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« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2007, 07:12:15 PM »

Yipes thats alotta red ... Yes, not gonna be bored today then grin ... Thanks Rookie I'll get all that fixed!
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2007, 09:29:13 PM »

Could you put up the pencil icon while you're still working on integrating Rookie's comments? The system's there for a reason ^.^ Thanks!

Simonne
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Simonne Miller
Derrik Duskrider
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« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2007, 11:57:58 PM »

Thanks for taking the time to read over Derrik's CD . . . I've edited everything in teal . . . didn't relize how bad my typing was last night, thanks though . . . Hopefully everything fits together better now and works  :)
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Derrik Duskrider
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« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2007, 01:29:09 AM »

Bump
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Rookie Brownbark
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Brownie, Llaoihrr


« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2007, 02:01:06 PM »

A free bump for a fellow Brownie, plus a couple of grammatical points...

At a young age Derrik had taken to imitating his human father and had asked his mother to sew a loop into his own little leather belt.  Derrik took to imitating his father at a young age and asked his mother.....Might flow better?

 His mother made it for him as well for when he went hunting with his father, it was a difficult task to make the little leather jacket but she had succeeded and it was only slightly baggy.

Derrik has learned to wield a spear fairly well, and is as good as he can get without formal training at his age.

His father was trained as a huntsman by his father who had been trained by his father and so on.

He has always been good around animals and had a habit that annoyed his parents. He would always bring home little creatures that he could coax into following him. His most loyal friend is a little grey fox he calls Korth. The silver fox is his companion and mount. He is a great help when getting around and also with tracking. They have become a great team over the last two years.  You start almost every sentance with "he" in this paragraph.  Maybe you could rearrange some of them?

Well I guess you are wondering how a brownie got to be raised by humans. If you are not wondering that I'm going to start worrying cause I think I have mentioned a human father and mother a few times already.

They traveled around, and Derrik grew a little, more in age than size.

The wolves had picked up a scent and hunting for this small pack had been scarce lately so they were willing to get a hold of anything they could.

He had found another brownie in one of the small villages on the way, and was given fairly rough directions.

     -A couple of waterskins
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Simonne Miller
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« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2007, 03:02:59 PM »

Rookie asked me to take a look at this, so here I am ;)

There are some inconsistencies in your history that I'd like to point out. Nothing major really, don't worry ;)

-Your father and his 'enemy' seem somewhat human to me. I think it's because they draw knives so easily on each other. I see Brownies as solving a problem more peacefully. I don't know, like avoiding each other or something. Maybe you can make his crime more accidental? Also, metal is very rare in the Vale, so they wouldn't just be carrying around knives for fun.

-Those spears and arrows that he can make himself, what kind of tip do they have? usually it's metal, but I don't see how he would blacksmith those himself, and it's also very hard to come by arrowheads the right size for him. In addition to this, as Rookie already stated, these weapons would not harm a human very much, so you can't really use it to kill humans. I think the reason he wasn't squished yet is because most humans would laugh at him trying to fight them ;).

-The wolves attacking the brownies still doesn't seem very believable to me. Perhaps they picked up the scent of the foxes and actually hunted them? There's a certain energy-result ratio that wolves know. Brownies would just be too small to bother hunting, since they don't give much energy in return for the energy they put into it. However, once they gain on them and the mother fell, and the father came back for her, the one fox would have a chance of escaping because the wolves would be busy with them. On foot, the brownies wouldn't cost the wolves as much energy, so then they would bother with them.

-I don't know if his parents would know about the Vale. That is not actually general knowledge, and chances are bigger that they'd know about Milkengrad, which is closer by and easier to reach, and where a lot of Brownies live. You could have him go there and hear about the Vale from one of the brownies living there :)

That's it for now. You have a very interesting character in any case, and I hope you'll get an approval soon :)
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Simonne Miller
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