Celebriän / Eophyrhim / Rogue & scavenger

[Celebriän Véneanár]

Name: Celebriän Véneanár
Gender: Female
Age: 153
Appearance Age: 27
Knowledge Age:34
Race: Elf
Tribe: Eophyrhim
Job: Rogue & scavenger
Title: Lost Eophyrhim
Weight: 1 pygge, 1heb
Height: 1.9 peds     
Eyes: Brown with golden flecks
Hair: brown

Physical Description:
Celebriän has brown hair. It is about shoulder length with the top layer drawn back in a braid. She likes to keep her bangs grown out and tries to keep them the same length as her hair. Celebriän’s hair, when down, can be described as a thick brown mane. If not brushed, her hair will knot and tangle. She has piercing brown eyes that have golden flecks. She is also slender, with fine features and a bony edge. Her pure Eophyrhim blood is clearly shown by features typical of those people. Celebrian has a facial piercing, due to exile from the Paelelon forests. In addition to the tattoo of the moon on her shoulder, she has one of a swirling circle on her cheek. Both of the tattoos are black. The facial piercing is a metal shaft that goes through her eyebrow. It is silver in color. It has a smooth straight shaft.
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Clothes- Celebriän has a forest green tunic with dark brown pants. She also has a black hooded  cloak. A Ether-Flake undershirt. A silver leaf-shaped clasp with golden vines entwining the stem holds it on. Celebriän also has a silver leaf shaped pendant on a leather strip around her neck. She has a pair of gauntlets and bracers made of hard leather with wide steel bands, a pair of soft leather boots, and a leather pouch that holds small vials of poisons. The ear cuff on her right ear is a dragon. She has two sheaths for her two scimitars held up with a belt.
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Personality:
While Celebriän has a more out going personally than the rest of her tribe she still was taught by them. While she tends to open her mouth more ,she opens it about opinions. She keeps her true feeling to herself. She does not open up to reveal her true self to others and some times puts on a “mask” that hides her true feelings. When asked about personal feelings or the Eophyrhim life style she will become defensive and will try to steer of the current topic.

Celebriän finds beauty in simple things such as a sunbeam, songbirds, flowers, or a creek with moss covered rocks. Celebriän only kills animals when needed. Unless the animal is in pain and nothing can be done for it, in that case she will try to bring it to a swift death.  She would help an animal in need and is angered by people and things that hurt animals when it is not necessary.

 If wandering in the middle of nowhere she will usually spend a day or two in the area, get to know to land a bit than move on. If there is a deep creek or any other water body, she will usually go for a swim if the weather permits.

She also holds grudges against people and is rash. This mix can lead to problems. Like to the time a man who she had a grudge against challenged to a dual. She accepted. Both of them where caught by the local guards, both where stuck in prison for three nights.

 Celebriän is very capable of surviving on her own in the wilderness, but does not mind staying at an inn or bar for the night. When in a bar or an inn she will order a drink, sit along the wall and think. Some of the time she will think what she will do the next day. Sometimes she will think back to life in the Paelelon forest.

While people will try to avoid Celebrian because she is a drow, she on the other hand tries to be nice. She knows that she is not liked, and living in the middle of a continent that frowns upon her is hard.
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Strengths
Scimitars skills: Celebrian is excellent with her scimitars. What her feet lack, her hands make up for when the dual weapons dance. The scimitars are steel with leather wrapped handles. They are each about two fores, eight nailsbreadths, in length.

Pet: Ilmdril not only helps in traveling, but is also a great companion. Celebrian will sometimes to talk to Ilmdril. Celebrian does not usually include Ilmdril in fights, she prefers the ground under her feet.

Drow: She is stronger than a human woman of her size, and has better vision at night. She is more agile and quicker. This helps in fighting. Men will usually underestimate her strength.

Aweraness: she is generally alert and aware of her surroundings

Weakness:
Claustrophobic: Celebriän has claustrophobia so she has a hard time staying in small cramped spaces. This prohibits her use of small shelters and small places. She also feels claustrophobic in cities and larger towns. This is due to the over welling noise and things going on at ones. It is also hard for her to be aware of her surroundings with all the action and movement at one time.

  Dislikes authority:  Since Celebriän dislikes authority she has no problem about committing petty crimes. She will heed the laws of the land if, but if she wants to break one she will. She has spent the night in a prison more than once. This will pop up if some authoritative figure is trying to tell her what to do. Or if she is in trouble with the law or town guards she will usually make a fuss.

Rash and holds grudges: Sometimes, Celebriän is rash; she sometimes does not think things out all the way.

Drow: Since Celebriän is a dark elf, and is sometimes avoided in bars, towns, and cities. This makes it hard to get information sometimes.
 
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History
  As a child and teen Celebriän never really fit in with the Eophyrhim. She was always more outspoken and voiced her thoughts. She was taught from a young age not to do so. But that would not stop Celebriän; instead she went out and talked to animals and trees. She could not understand how the rest of her people could just not voice what they where feeling. She found delight in expressing her self. Always trying to change something ever so slightly to reflect her self. The elders scolded her for such behavior, so she learned to hold her tongue until she got away from the rest of the people She always wanted more adventure than the reclusive life of the Eophyrhim people.

  When she was about nineteen, her parents, Aria and Azunur had a weapons master teach her about weaponry and help her develop weaponry skills. They did this after a cleric had a vision of Celebrian fighting something { that something was not seen in the vision}.The cleric also saw how gifted she was, as she danced around her opponent. Her scimitars a blur in her hands. The battle took place at the edge of the forestland.  The parents assumed it was against rival humans or elves. Due to the vision Aria and Azunur choose her to be trained in the scimitars.The whole vision never came true, although Celebriän is very talented with the scimitars. So half of it came true 

While Celebriän lived with the drow she lived like a drow. Mostly saying what was needed to avoid conflicts. She tried to think like them, masking her feelings.

Celebriän was exiled from the Eophyrhim for not participating in the Arvin’s Festival, She did not participate due not wanting eat a human. She had participated in the last festival 25 years ago but had sneaked out of eating any human. She was forced to pierce her face and was allowed to take her belongs with her. She was about 50 years old.



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Pets
Ilmdril- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she bought from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest.
Ilmdril is a Kor’och fey Mologh. Her coat is bay. Her mane and tail are blackish brownish. She is 15.7 hands tall.
          Ilmdril is usually good tempered. She is not scared of flapping sheets and sudden movements, but if caught unaware she might spook. Ilmdril is also scared of whips. Celebriän thinks this is due to a former master. The horse likes Celebriän and the two are good friends. Ilmdril looks forward to visiting towns, she knows a treat will be in store for her.
            Contradicting her usually calm behavior, Ilmdril gets upset when Celebrian is in a fight. Celebrian does not know if this is due to the noise, or the fact that Celebriän is in danger.

[Simonne Miller]

Hello, and welcome to Santharia!

This is what I meant with creating a new topic

We ask that user name and character name are the same. Also, could you please add the names of the different sections? So Name, Gender, Age, and so on.

With regard,
Simonne

[Celebriän Véneanár]

ok did that what else should i edit

[Sir Ruil Mallister]

"Thief" is spelled T-H-I-E-F.

[Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin]

Forgive me, but I am concerned about the last name here, as it is in use by another character who is usually very active here.

[Celebriän Véneanár]

that is why i have a first name

[Sir Ruil Mallister]

Unfortunately, I must say that if an already approved player asks you to change a name because it's similar to the one (s)he chose, then usually you should change it.  Especially if the person is very active.

[Celebriän Véneanár]

what else??

[Rookie Brownbark]

Hello Celebriän   One in-depth Uri-check coming up.

Name:Celebriän
gender: Female
Age: 17 years old (Elves age slower than humans, so at 17, your half-elf has the approximate knowledge and appearance of a 14 yr old.  Not only is it unlikely that she would have left her tribe at this age, she is also rather skilled for such a young person.)
Race: Elf/Human
Tribe: (add space here) (Centoraurian) and Eophyrhim
Job?: steals, (add space here) pickpockets, and salvages (do you mean scavenges?)
???:Exiled wander (Why the ???.  Is this your title?)
  (W)eight- 1 ped,2 Fores and 1 nailsbreath
   Height-1 pygge,1heb,3 ods,4 mut
    Hair-Jet Black
 Eyes: piercing  (unnecessary double spacing)dark brown eyes
(Why are three of these indented?)

 Character Description: Celebriän has black hair and dark eyes. (space space)She is also slender Has (is this one sentence or two?) some of her fathers elfish beauty and distinctive pointy ears with fine feature and bony edges.  (space space)Celebriän is sometimes mistaken for a more earthy (“earthy” normally refers to humans or dwarves rather than the fine-boned elves) eophyrhim and is therefor(e)  (unnecessary double spacing)avoided in towns and villages.  (space space)Celebriän has a facial piercing due to exile from the Paelelon forests and a scar of a broken circle on her left cheek from when she heated up a broken ring a pressed it against her cheek. (When did she do that?  Some more detail would also be nice here – maybe describing her face as that’s what people will be looking at most of the time.)
(space for new paragraph.  To be honest, you are perfectly capable of looking through and putting in the correction punctuation yourself, so I’ll leave the rest of the grammar to you.  Spellchecking would also be a vast improvement.)
      Clothes- Celebriän has a black tunic and black pant(s) with a dark gray hooded cape held on by a silver leaf shaped clasp.Sirrist (who is Sirrist?) also has a silver drow charm on a sturdy silver chain.She also (you’ve used “also” quite a few times – maybe you could rephrase slightly to improve the flow?) has a pair of razorclaw gauntlets (then this should go in your strengths, as its a weapon.  You should also describe how you got it in your history.) and bracers, a pair of soft leather boots.A arrow quiver that has silver inlaying and a bow sleeve,and a  leather pouch that holds a small  vial of drow poison. (You have some nice details here.)

 Attitude(Could you title this “Personality”?  Sticking to the formula makes it easier for people to quickly find things in your CD.):    Celebriänis dark and roguish,but will still help a person for the right price.Celebriän is the person who will (prefer) to take out her prey from the shadows with her bow.She also prefers to keep her face hidden behind her hood.  (This tells us how she acts when working/hunting but it doesn’t tell us how she interacts with people she just met off the street.  Does she enjoy talking to people?  How would she react if threatened?  Does she seek a fight or try to avoid one?  Does she get on equally with all races/genders/tribes?  It might be worth reading some other approved CDs to get some more ideas too )

 strengths: (Capital Letter!!)

   -Archery  Celebriän self taught (how do you teach yourself archery?  IMHO This requires either a teacher, or a good explanation in your history) herself the skill of archery when she wanted to shoot like the young drow men. It is also a common weapon  for the drow

       -Swordmanship when Celebriän  was a child she would (borrow) her friends sword and have mock duals with the boys, until the age of 14 when her father bought her a sword with drow poison on it.
     - thieving skills,  Celebriän taught herself how to pick the locks and the pockets of the (neighbouring) drow until that one day where she was caught (pick pocketing) a High Elf
         - tracking,raised with the drown the hunting tribe Sirrist  was taught  to track at a young age (who is Sirrist?)

                 Weakness
                  - vulnerable in open space,  Celebriän relies on cover to pick out her targets with  her bow,as a child she used to use the forests of Paeleon for her cover, she is not adapted to the plains and fields.
                  -  Magic Celebriän has no magic and has had no encounters with is leaving a big (vulnerability) for a magic user to find. (You need to compare yourself against the average peasant, who has no magical skills whatsoever.  Hence not having magic is normal rather than a weakness.)
                      -claustrophobic Celebriän has claustrophobia (leading) up to not using the nooks and crannies of the thieves (this sentence is confusingly worded, could you rephrase it?)
                       -restlessness Celebriän can not sit still for long periods of time making (it) hard to wait for prey and enemies.  (Could you give us an example?  At the moment its unclear just how much this effects her.)
     
                                              History 
 Celebriän was born of a human woman who was raped by a Eophyrim,her mother died after Celebriän was born in the Paelelon forest. (Why was her mother there?  Eophyrhim eleves are known to kill anyone who trespasses.  Also why would they then keep her?  In their entry it specifically says they execute trespassers.  I would suggest three different options 1) Make her a pure Centoraurian – you can probably learn pick pocketing skills better in a large city, and I suspect some of them would hunt too.  2) Make her pure Eophyrim, this would not change much of her history at all 3) Find a good reason for her mother to be a friend of the Eophyrim, as the entry mentions the fact that they are “polite, calm and respectful” Then have the father fall in love with her.  Just be aware that half elves are not well thought of or generally excepted in Santharia as a whole, they will never really fit in within either a human or an elf settlement.  You should probably mention this in her history)
 Celebriän was then taken it to live as a  drow, (there) she lived happily if that can be said until she was vain of her (pick pocketing) skills (why did she learn pick pocketing? One of their laws is “Participate or be exiled” so it sounds as if they tend to work together rather than for themselves.  Maybe you could exploit her human ancestry here?)  and put them to the test to pickpocket a High Drow Elf (Taken straight from the Eophyrhim entry – “The Eophyrhim have little in the way of government. It is based upon respect. Clerics and mages are the most respected. After that, it is based on skill in hunting. There is no surpreme overlord or ruler, each Eophyrhim colony is closely linked with its neighbors.” Use Cleric or Mage instead.)and she failed at the age of 15 (At 15 she would have the approximate knowledge and appearance of a 12yr old.) she as forced to pierce her face and was exiled from the Paelelon forest. Celebriän  had fashioned a black bow at that age of 14, (This is a complicated skill, something which I think she has to be taught/shown how to do rather than just do it) she took this(,) her sword and her hunting hound Azuca and left Paelelon Forest forever.She now wanders the land.

   Pets
           - Falhófnir- is the name Celebriän gave to a horse she stole from a town stable three days after her exile from the forest  (What does the horse look like, what breed is it, hold old, male or female?)
             -Azuca- is her loyal hunting hound from the forests (Same again)

(As much as I hate to sound bossy, it really is annoying to read through to correct grammar mistakes when the author has obviously made no effort to do so themselves.  Please re-read your CD thoroughly, for I doubt anyone else will comment until you do

On the other hand, you have obviously done some reading, and I like the little details like the names and jewellery.  If you have any questions at all, feel free to ask them here and I, or anyone else will get back to you

Good luck on getting titled!)

[Celebriän Véneanár]

ok , on the archery thing i have taught myself archery and i am good at it to

[Celebriän Véneanár]

  ok im all done with that now what??

[Rookie Brownbark]

 ~ Please do a spelling and punctuation check.

 ~ Please find a good reason of how your mother became a friend of the dark elves and then write a detailed explanation.

 ~ Who is Sirrist?

(Please note that I have already said the above comments in my previous post.)

 ~ We don't have American paint horses in Santharia, have a look in the beastery on the main site for the breeds we do have.  Or you could simply say something like "its a strange, unknown mix of breeds, but it is this colour".

 ~ I spoke to someone with more knowledge of archery than I and he said that it should be possible to teach yourself archery  .  However, there might be several times where you hurt yourself with the bow-string, and many failed shots. It would be good to see a paragraph detailing why you first picked up the bow, why you taught yourself rather than got someone to teach you, and how you practiced and gradually got better.

 ~ You are only 21 (with the knowledge and training of a 17 year old human) and are already skilled in razor gauntlets, sword and bow, plus tracking and pick pocketing.  With so many skills and so few years, you can't really be very good at any of these - you just wouldn't have had the time to practice.  Personally I would choose one weapon as your main weapon, then say she has had some basic training in the others, or drop one all together.  I'm not quite sure how good you are at tracking and pick pocketing, but the same thing applies to these.

 ~ Your strengths and weaknesses are rather unbalanced, could you please add some weaknesses and/or take away one of those weapons?  Toning down your strengths to fit your age better would help with this issue too

 ~ How come you have a Zeiphyrian hunting hound?  Your drow tribe have their own breed.  I'm not saying its impossible, only that it needs an explanation .

 ~ Oh and your pets also count as strengths, so could you add them to the relevant section.

I hope this helps

Rookie xxx

[Celebriän Véneanár]

ok i think i fixed all that,but i can not find the name sirrist in my CD

[Kalína Dalá'isyrás]

- thieving skills,  Celebriän taught herself how to pick the locks and the pockets after hearing the stories her mother would tell her about her city life until that one day where she was caught pickpocketing a cleric         - tracking,raised with the drow the hunting tribe Sirrist  was taught to track at a young age

[Celebriän Véneanár]

ok ,fixed that to

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