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Author Topic: A new try: Coruno  (Read 4635 times)
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Coruno
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« on: December 09, 2003, 10:44:22 PM »

Name: Coruno
Gender: male
Age: 25
Race: human
Occupation: Boat builder
Tribe: Avennoria
Title: Sailor

Appearance
Weight: 1,8 pygge
Height: 1,67ped:
Eyes: Dark blue
Hair: Long brown hair. He has it open when he is on land and in a pigtail when he is in the sea so it wont blow in his face.
He has a very muscular body.
He walks like a typical fisherman looking like he had a barrel between his legs.

Clothes: A single layered pants of whale skin and a little vest also of whale skin

History: He comes from a rich family his dad is whaler his mom is and diver.
They wanted him to stay in the family business and become a whaler as his ancestors.
Still they wanted him to have an education so they put him in school.

After a half of semester he got tired of going to school.
He started to work on his dads boat and where he learned to sail.
He soon got tired of this to and started to work on the docks repairing and building new boats.
Getting to use it a lot he became very skilled whit the axe.

But soon he got bored of this to and decided to go out on an adventure.
So instead of getting his last payment he asked for an small boat instead.


Personality: He is a happy guy loves to se new stuff.
He gets very easily bored.
But has easy to lose his temper.
As most of the avenorians he is always after money and treachery, but not so much that he is not loyal to a friend when he gets to know someone enough he is loyal to death.

Strengths: As the other avenorians he can dive to deeper waters that other humans never could. He is also a good sailor and boat builder. Training most of his life he is a little stronger than the average Avennorian.

Weaknesses: For the first since he never went to school he can’t write and hardly count. Also if he doesn’t get alcohol every 24h he gets very easily mad

Weapons: A small axe
Belongings: A small boat (two men) and a necklace (A whale tooth on a thread
Familiars: A red and whit fish named Gulyf about 0,07peds long he has it in a watertight bag filed whit water. (So he doesn’t miss the sea too much).

Edited by: Mina Aylwin at: 12/10/03 16:39
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Khiera Meneris
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Human, Hjoria


« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2003, 12:02:22 AM »

Hello, hello, and welcome back! :)

Let's see:

1. First of all i would advise you to do some formatting, especially of your history section, to make it easier for the other Mods and Admins to go through and read your CD. For example, your history is what we could call a "brick" here. If you broke it up into smaller paragraphs with blank lines between each of them, that would make most of our Admins very happy with the cleaner format :)

2. Overall, you need to go through your CD again and add punctuation such as periods in the appropriate spots, because some sentences just keep running on and it's a little hard to make out what you're trying to say. Also, numerous typos, for example "west" instead of "vest" and "cloths" instead of "clothes" or "clothing", to point out the most obvious. Go through your CD again.

3. You're missing the appearance section. "He has a big scar over his back" would go into the apperance section, and whatever else you want to describe of him.

4. About your height. 0.3 peds more than their average height of 1.67peds is no biggie to me, but most of the Admins here are quite strict about average heights, so i suggest you change that to 1.67peds.

5. I'm not sure about the troll shaman part. Also, the shaman cast a curse on your character, you should explain in your history how that came to be and why. I'm not sure if shamans can cast curses of the nature that you mentioned in your CD, so i'll get another Admin around who is more knowledgable on such a subject to go over it.

6. "Training most of his life he is a little stronger than the average Avennorian." <---- this should probably go into strengths.

Right, so do a little tidying up of your CD, formatwise and grammar/spelling-wise, and i'll be back to take a look ... so far so good, you're getting there! :)  



The Tale of Khiera Meneris
Hold me. Soothe me. Love me. Save me from my Rage.

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Coruno
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Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2003, 12:16:22 AM »

Okay do u have any other ideas of how he got that curse?

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Khiera Meneris
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Human, Hjoria


« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2003, 12:42:22 AM »

Is having that curse extremely important to your character and his history coruno?



The Tale of Khiera Meneris
Hold me. Soothe me. Love me. Save me from my Rage.

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Coruno
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« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2003, 12:46:22 AM »

well no iguees il skip the curse then....

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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2003, 12:57:22 AM »

Hey, an interesting char, with a proper occupation for a change ;)

Please put your green arrow down as long as you have not changed what Khiera has proposed, like
"History: He comes from a semi rich family his dad was an whaler his mom was an diver they wanted him to become a whaler but they still wanted him to have an education so they put him in school he only went a half of semester when he realised he could never learn to read, instead he spent all of his days down by the docks."

If you need help in this respect, just say it.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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Coruno
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Posts: 8


« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2003, 01:04:22 AM »

Yes I might need some help.

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Khiera Meneris
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Human, Hjoria


« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2003, 01:13:22 AM »

Talia!!! :hug

Thanks Talia, really appreciate any sort of help around here!!! :D

Coruno, you are in good hands ;)  I'll be back later to take a look ...



The Tale of Khiera Meneris
Hold me. Soothe me. Love me. Save me from my Rage.

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Coruno
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Posts: 8


« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2003, 01:33:22 AM »

I think I have done every thing u asked me for.
Is there any thing els?

Edited by: Coruno at: 12/9/03 17:56
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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2003, 03:19:22 AM »

So let‘s see what we can do for you


orange   comments
yellow  modifications
grey ... unclear sentences or sentences which have to be altered
green    typos and such


Appearance
Weight: 1,8 pygge
Height: 1,67ped:
Eyes: Dark blue
Hair: Long brown hair.
He has a big scar over his back.
Clothes: A single layered pants of whale skin and a little vest also of whale skin

As long as we still struggle how a char has to look like, I would recommend to write appearance out as well, add some more features, f.e. that he has no proper ears  or how does he wear his hair, open or in braids? Is his body slender, or has he a lot of muscles? Is his face tanned?How does he walk, elegantly or more like the fisherman, looking like they have a barrel between the legs? Things like that

History: He comes from a semi rich family his dad was an whaler his mom was an diver.
They wanted him to become a whaler but they still wanted him to have an education.
So they put him in school, he only went a half of semester when he realised he could never learn to read, instead he spent all of his days down by the docks.

 You added some colons, yes, but it is still not enough. could you try do the sentences more...darn, more pleasantly to read?Hope you got what I mean, like this..

Coruno comes from a well-of family. His father was (or still is??? ) an whaler, his mother a famous diver. They wanted their son to become a whaler as his ancesters, but at the same time they favored an proper education for him as well. So they sent him to school. He went there for only a short time when he realised, that he would never learn how to read (don‘t say, he was too silly, he may just not have been interested, maybe because  his comrades hadn‘t to go to school??). Instead he left school (without his parents knowing???) anand spent instead all his time down at the docks. (Why didn‘t his father or mother see there? They surely payed for the school and will be not pleased to see him elsewhere)

When one day a weird looking man came on to the docks. They started to talk some and he got to know that he was a man from the north. One day, a weird looking man...They started to talk and learned, that this man was from the north (from where??)

They started to meet more often and he started to train Coruno in the fighting art of the two handed sword (of course he was not strong enough to lift one so they made a special kind a much smaller egg but still an two handed sword), but also after every training they went for an beer (he was only 13 years) so he soon became addicted to alcohol.
 Very unlikely, why should this man teach a kid on the docks how to use a sword, a bothhander on top? You need a VERY good reason here!

As his years went by his courage grew and he went farther and farther away from the town when he one day he went to far and was attacked by three trolls. He tried to defend himself but they hit him ones over the back They hanged him in a tree and was just going to kill him when they heard towns folk coming and ran.

These trolls, why do you introduce them, the scar can come from somewhere else as well, if you need it for a special reason (Itching him all time and being a weakness therefore)

Some more years went by. He started to work down at the docks repairing ships and building new ones. But his dad said:”You have had your fun in life now its time for you to take up the family business” of course he didn’t want. They thought it was the northlands fault so they sent the town guards on him.

 This northern man was still around?
He got so mad at his parents so he took what he could carry and went of.

Personality: He is a happy guy loves to se new stuff.
But has easy to lose his temper.
As most of the avenorians he is always after money and treachery, but not so much that he is not loyal to a friend when he gets to know someone enough he is loyal to death.

Strengths: As the other avenorians he can dive to deeper waters that other humans never could. He is also a good sailor and boat builder. Training most of his life he is a little stronger than the average Avennorian.

Weaknesses: For the first since he never went to school he can’t write and hardly count. Also if he doesn’t get alcohol every 24h he gets very easily mad

Weapons: A small two-handed sword.
Belongings: A small boat (two men) and a necklace (A whale tooth on a thread
Familiars: A red and whit fish named Gulyf about 0,07peds long he has it in a watertight bag filed whit water. (So he doesn’t miss the sea too much).

Couldn‘t finish it, maybe later. What about a spellcheck?? ;)  Sorry for my own misspellings, but I'm running out of time

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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Terra Artemos
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« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2003, 04:10:22 AM »

Well, I was going to comment, but Talia covered all my concerns and better than I would have.


Admin Contact Info: Mortus Pryde/Terra Atremos

'I am grey. All but those like me see only darkness and light, they do not see the grey between them. In this greyness I dwell. I would not wish this fate on any other.'

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Coruno
New Santharian

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Posts: 8


« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2003, 03:31:22 AM »

I have never had this mutch problems making a char before:) .
There I have tried my best to do what u asked. what more must be done?:worship  

Edited by: Coruno at: 12/9/03 20:12
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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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Human, Shendar, Shen-D'auras


« Reply #12 on: December 10, 2003, 05:30:22 AM »

So let‘s see what we can do for you


orange   comments
yellow  modifications
grey ... unclear sentences or sentences which have to be altered
green    typos and such


Appearance
Weight: 1,8 pygge
Height: 1,67ped:
Eyes: Dark blue
Hair: Long brown hair.
He has a big scar over his back.
Clothes: A single layered pants of whale skin and a little vest also of whale skin

As long as we still struggle how a char has to look like, I would recommend to write appearance out as well, add some more features, f.e. that he has no proper ears  or how does he wear his hair, open or in braids? Is his body slender, or has he a lot of muscles? Is his face tanned?How does he walk, elegantly or more like the fisherman, looking like they have a barrel between the legs? Things like that

History: He comes from a semi rich family his dad was an whaler his mom was an diver.
They wanted him to become a whaler but they still wanted him to have an education.
So they put him in school, he only went a half of semester when he realised he could never learn to read, instead he spent all of his days down by the docks.

 You added some colons, yes, but it is still not enough. could you try do the sentences more...darn, more pleasantly to read?Hope you got what I mean, like this..

Coruno comes from a well-off family. His father was (or still is??? ) a whaler, his mother a famous diver. They wanted their son to become a whaler as his ancesters, but at the same time they favored an proper education for him as well. So they sent him to school. He went there for only a short time when he realised, that he would never learn how to read (don‘t say, he was too silly, he may just not have been interested, maybe because  his comrades hadn‘t to go to school??). Instead he left school (without his parents knowing???) and spent instead all his time down at the docks. (Why didn‘t his father or mother see him there? They surely payed for the school and will be not pleased to see him elsewhere)

When one day a weird looking man came on to the docks. They started to talk some and he got to know that he was a man from the north. One day, a weird looking man...They started to talk and Coruno learned, that this man was from the north (from where??)

They started to meet more often and he started to train Coruno in the fighting art of the two handed sword (of course he was not strong enough to lift one so they made a special kind a much smaller egg but still an two handed sword), but also after every training they went for an beer (he was only 13 years) so he soon became addicted to alcohol.
 Very unlikely, why should this man teach a kid on the docks how to use a sword, a bothhander on top? You need a VERY good reason here!

As his years went by his courage grew and he went farther and farther away from the town when he one day he went to far and was attacked by three trolls. He tried to defend himself but they hit him ones over the back They hanged him in a tree and was just going to kill him when they heard towns folk coming and ran.

These trolls, why do you introduce them, the scar can come from somewhere else as well, if you need it for a special reason (Itching him all time and being a weakness therefore)

Some more years went by. He started to work down at the docks repairing ships and building new ones. But his dad said:”You have had your fun in life now its time for you to take up the family business” of course he didn’t want. They thought it was the northlands fault so they sent the town guards on him.

 This northern man was still around?
He got so mad at his parents so he took what he could carry and went of.

Personality: He is a happy guy loves to se new stuff.
But has easy to lose his temper.
As most of the avenorians he is always after money and treachery, but not so much that he is not loyal to a friend when he gets to know someone enough he is loyal to death.

Strengths: As the other avenorians he can dive to deeper waters that other humans never could. He is also a good sailor and boat builder. Training most of his life he is a little stronger than the average Avennorian.
So let‘s see what we can do for you



Please use a spellchecker, that would help a lot!

Hey Coruno(nice name btw): If youneed somebody to help you write up the stuff, no problem, I help you, but I have to know, what you want!

A proposal for the history, easier than yours, more logical though:

Just let him go to school for some time, so that he can read a little, and count a little. Then he gives it up, because he is not interested in more and starts learning how to build ships, still being  to small to work on his fathers ship (Then he knows how to build ships).When older he joins his father(if you want him to know how to sail), but he doesn't like it and runs away in the end...that comes later.
When he was a small boy, he saw once a warrior passing through his village with a bothhanded sword - that impressed him, so that he dreamt from then on, to have one (not to learn, just to have one). He makes himself a wooden sword and plays with it, but when his father sees this, he is so angry with his boy, that he breaks the sword on his back - from there comes the scar. (Hurts terrible sometimes, maybe a splinter is left in his back=weakness)
Maybe you can add, that he could not become a diver, because he got earproblems. OR, he once found a special pearl, stayed too long down and had a ear damage from then on.(But he has a pearl now, something valuable)
Sometimes shortly before he decides to run away, he saves the life of a man (perhaps from drowning?), who is a warrior who has a sword(bothhander if you like). Invent a nice story here.

This man is thankful and asks Coruno, what he can do for him in return. Well, that is obvious, isn't it?

That is the time to leave his home and join this man on his journey - learning how to fight. He knows how to work with wood or does anything for his living. He sells the pearl to get a good sword of his own.





***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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Coruno
New Santharian

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Posts: 8


« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2003, 05:38:22 AM »

hmm that sounds much better but I do want him to not going in school I think that is important for my way of role playing him other wise ill us the story you just gave me, exept the drowning man part. I am now more interested in the Axe.

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Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2003, 05:52:22 AM »

No prob, sounds good as well. The axe is a more natural weapon for a carpenter. He gets the skill anyhow.

***Astropic of the day***
"For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path   that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly. ~Don Juan"

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