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Author Topic: Azalahn Dél’Raguierá/Kaýrrhem/Inn owner  (Read 19150 times)
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Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #30 on: March 05, 2010, 06:33:37 AM »

Hi Azalahn, welcome to Santharia.  :)

As I started to read your CD, I noticed two very important issues that need addressed.

1. The Injerin and Eophyrim pairing are very, very unlikely. Please consider changing your races to elves much closer to each other, as those two tribes live very far apart. Also, a dark elf and light elf pairing is not going to happen for many reasons. The first of which is that dark elves are viewed as "heretics" by turning their backs on the gods long ago and became "cursed". A light elf has nothing to do with a dark elf, no matter what reasoning you make.

2. Second, there are no priestesses of Ava. The idea of Ava is more of an ideal and state of being. Ava herself is a myth and is no longer worshiped by anyone in the world. She turned her back on the world long ago and gave it up to the desires of her children, the Twelvern, and her shadow, Coor. You may choose a priestess of any of the other gods, just not Ava.
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Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #31 on: March 05, 2010, 07:30:57 AM »

Doh guess I didn't do my homework well enough

OK I will find some other god. Thinking about Nehtor, how is that? and will find some other tribe than the Injerin perhaps the Diorye'oleal .

Nehtor is the god of healing, but in general, most dark elves worship Coor, Arvins, or Queprur.

Quote
Just a few things that I would like to get clarified before I move on.

The whole idea of a dark elf turning her back on Coór and his destructive ways, keeping her "heretical" beliefs secret?

This would be very unlikely. The worship and reverence for Coor is taught from birth and is a part of life for every dark elf. You would need a VERY good reason for a dark elf to reject Coor and hide it. I do not recommend this option.

Quote
Solution for the distance in short:
His mother traveled the land for some years, found she was shunned everywhere and eventually found herself up north. She came into contact with the Diorye'oleal and found a husband there?

Or one of his grandparents could be Eophyrim and help set him up there ?

If you wish for his mother to travel long distances, I recommend joining a group that would have the means to travel. A dark elf traveling the lands alone would not get very far. If she were a member of the Black Butterfly Rovers, the Nightshade Carnival or the Stormcloaks Guild, she would have a better chance and ability to travel north.
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Azalahn
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« Reply #32 on: March 05, 2010, 07:47:12 AM »

Sorry wrong button wasn't supposed to delete it.

Oh well ...


Hmmmmm Worship Coór or forget the dark elf, guess I have to think about that.
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Fáiorríl
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« Reply #33 on: March 05, 2010, 03:27:01 PM »

Something to keep in mind about going north is that the Tandala Highlands are uncrossable, making Northern Sarvonia only accessible by sea. Not that it's hard to do...just that people don't accidentally stroll through a field and end up in the north.

The only main issue I have with your character is his deviance from elven nature. Much of what you've described in your history sounds much better suited to a human society; the nobles, family estates, isolated parental pressure, even the part about multiple children who are roughly the same age.

Here are some general hints about (most) elves:
- They aren't very fertile and usually only reproduce every century or two, so lots of offspring running around an elf's house isn't really normal.
- Many tribes are lead by a Ránn or Rónn (their equivalent of princess and prince, respectively) and/or an elected council, but all members have a say with decisions made and are more or less equals. Some tribes don't even have a political structure; everyone just gets along and know the rules, like the Melad'rhim or Eophyrhim.
- Children are raised by the tribe. This means parents have less restrictive control over how their child develops and others will step in if a parent is treating a child in a harmful manner.
- They revere nature and have a deep understanding for the cycles of growth and destruction, so they are much quicker to accept and move on when a death or tragedy occurs.
- For the most part, a lot of elves actually avoid humans but there are exceptions.

I did some research though and found a tribe that greatly suits what you're looking for. The Quaelhoirhim are a very structured, human-like tribe with complicated government systems, military organizations, cities that resemble human cities and villages outside the forest.

I'm not sure what kind of Magic Academies would be there.. I am unaware of any 'academies' other than Ximax, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Someone else will have to clarify. Did you intend for your character to leave the forest while studying? I'm also not 100% sure about the archmage / highranking aspirations of the father..

I have run out of brain power for today, but concentrate on using the information available, rather than making up ranks and powerful figures. Make your character fit the world, not the other way around. :P

~Faio~

EDIT: I have been informed that elves train their own mages, but not on as big a scale as the Ximax Academy - which is pretty much a one-of-a-kind place. Elves learn from elves, possibly in a more master/apprentice context, and the term 'academy' shouldn't be used for anywhere other than Ximax.
Hope this helps. :)
« Last Edit: March 06, 2010, 01:50:47 AM by Fáiorríl » Logged

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Azalahn
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« Reply #34 on: March 06, 2010, 01:52:24 AM »

Think I will have to rewrite most of the history. Plan on keeping some parts of it and the general idea of the character, but if the general story line goes with the Quaelhoirhim tribe then I guess I can leave most of it intact. Just have to change his mother's race, and guess he wasn't sent to an academy, but to some mage his father knew.

1 He will be very gifted with swords, and he will be trained by a great master

2 Call me sick but I really like that part with the twins and their tragic love story.

3 He will be 100% Warrior/military leader until just a few years ago

4 He will settle down and find a new road in life.

As for race and tribe then perhaps : Quaelhoirhim/ Tethinrhim

Correct me if I am wrong, but if one parenth is Tethinrhim then he could be a Kaierian Warrior? They are allready fully described but I didn't find anything about the Quaelhoirhim military except that they have cavalry and archers.
 
Ambitions and delusions of grandeur... well I think I will forget about the archmage ambition, shouldn't be that hard to come up with another way to give his father a change of personality.


As for low fertility then perhaps I could say he has his twin sister and 1 older brother who is 120 years older?

Quote
Did you intend for your character to leave the forest while studying?

Not really sure how to answere that. My impression has always been that you study under your master til the day he can't teach you anything more, so in that sense it would be yes he left while studying. As for the military leadership then he is only qualified to lead in potential combat situations, but not in times of peace, so again Yes. As for ability to go head to head with other elven officers, human knights etc  then he is more than capable of that, unless they are older and somewhat experienced, so in that sense it would be no.

« Last Edit: March 06, 2010, 03:54:00 AM by Azalahn » Logged

Fáiorríl
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« Reply #35 on: March 06, 2010, 05:04:42 AM »

Quote
In order to become a Kaierian Warrior, one must first be Tethinrhim by birth of at least one parent.
Being a Kaierian Warrior is fine. It also gives you that sense of 'nobility' since:
Quote
Other than the Rónn or Ava’ránn, the Kaierian Warriors and the Spiritual Guider there exist no other high-ranking tribe-people.

Something to consider though:
- It takes 200 years to become a full warrior and training takes place in the centre of the Auturian woods. Your character will have to spend this part of his life with the Tethinrhim and training begins in childhood. There are two trips of self-learning to be completed though, which leaves a large window of opportunity for things to happen outside the forest.

Quote
Did you intend for your character to leave the forest while studying?
I just meant if you were traveling to Ximax to study at the big academy, rather than studying at home. But he isn't doing magic anymore.

Your sibling plan sounds fine. What I question though is where your sense of failure will come from, since he is training only in the arts of war and is exceedingly talented at that. A Kaierian warrior also is pretty much the best you'll get for social status, so there's no alternative drive or ambition to fit in there.

Just some thoughts.
~Faio~
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Fáiorríl (Currently under reconstruction)
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Azalahn
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« Reply #36 on: March 06, 2010, 05:31:41 AM »

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What I question though is where your sense of failure will come from, since he is training only in the arts of war and is exceedingly talented at that

Sorry for the confusion.
His sense of failure is from the original Injerin /Eophyrim version where his father only valued the thing he was hopeless in (magic) and always talked badly about what he was good at (swordplay). So he was worthless in the eyes of the father, 1 brother, all the family friends etc. Not a good thing for a child.

Now that I have gotten things straightened out the character concept has changed a bit.

Perhaps I should start putting the bits and pieces in my head into the CD history before we move on.

he he take a break, you deserve it  :)

« Last Edit: March 06, 2010, 05:33:03 AM by Azalahn » Logged

Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #37 on: March 06, 2010, 05:47:46 AM »

The elven tribes have magic academies. It is very rare for an elf to go to the "human" academy of Ximax. There are no specific entries on the elven academies yet, but they do exist and can be used for elves to learn magic.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2010, 05:48:53 AM by Malexia Vendu » Logged

Azalahn
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« Reply #38 on: March 08, 2010, 10:23:33 AM »

Ok rewrote most of his history.

Not sure about the bond betwen the Kaierian Warriors and if a teacher would take such a long journey to save the soul of one student, from the Auturian woods to the Shaded Forest. If not then I guess I need to find some other way to restore his soul and drag him up again. In case it won't work then I made another option: to replace the beige part in the history

He was on the battlefield again, he has slashed and hacked his way trough a tidalwave of enemies, now at last they were defeated. One of them came up again. She looked at him with an empty expression. Then she spoke:” Why do you hate us so much” It was his sister. As he looked across the battlefield he saw everyone he had ever cared about. His fellow Kaierian Warriors his teachers, the knight aria and the scout Elyssia. All of them dead or mortally wounded by his weapons. Behind him he could hear what had to be the remainder of his platoon praise his name. He took a look behind him. What he saw was, not men and women, but a horde of disfigured and terrifying creatures that could only exist in nightmares. Demons. They started feasting on the souls of his victims, they sank their claws and fangs into his sister. He turned on them with a roar of defiance… he woke up in his tent outside the city. “What a strange dream” he thought. The days passed but he could not forget the dream. In the end he was convinced that it had to be a message from some higher being.  Slowly he started to change his ways, it was hard but as time passed he crawled out of the dark pit that his soul had been in. A year later he was a changed man…



Hmmm think I got it all now.  
« Last Edit: March 11, 2010, 12:55:15 AM by Azalahn » Logged

Klyff Tylssen
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« Reply #39 on: March 11, 2010, 10:40:42 AM »

hell Azalahn, and welcome. As a fellow starter without an approved character, I just have a minor comment to your character. First I would like to say wonderful description, great quality and not without length too!  grin

But on to my critiscm, the Eophyrhim dark elves are much disliked by certain tribes and races, expecially dwarven tribes. Many elven tribes refuse to trade with them, including the one my character is based on Meladrhim. They are known as dark, suspicous, and cruel even though this is not so. I am just wondering how starting a tavern, or working in one would fair with these prejudices ate the table. please explain this to me either in a post or in your CD. Thank you!

EDIT: I'm sorry for my mistake. I see tyhat you have already edited the tribe, and I didnt even care to notice. You may however want to change the title of the CD to match your tribe as it still says Eophyrhim. Again, sorry for the misconception.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2010, 10:54:33 AM by Klyff Tylssen » Logged

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Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #40 on: March 13, 2010, 07:15:48 AM »

Hi Azalahn!

Your CD is coming along nicely, but I noticed something. You are really mixing up alot of ideas that don't seem to fit quite right.

1. You are trained as a Kaierian warrior. If you read the entry, you's know that Kaierian's do not wear plate mail armor. They wear leather armor and function more as warrior/rangers. The heaviest armor they wear is chain mail, but rarely so!

2. Your code of honor and preference for plate mail are more related to a knight, not a Kaierian. Which are you?

3. You worship Nehtor (god of healing), wear plate mail like a knight and call yourself a Kaierian warrior. All of those three characteristics  do not relate to each other very well. You can't be all three, so you will have to choose.

I suggest either choosing to be a knight (plate mail and swords), a Kaierian warrior (leather armor and corran'Loh and the the scourge). Also, depending on what you choose, you'd need an appropriate god to follow: in this case, either Arvins or Armoros.
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Azalahn
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« Reply #41 on: March 13, 2010, 10:28:19 AM »

Hmmm

Quote
They are highly trained in at least three various weapons, specialising in one, while being proficient in all other standard weapons.

Quote
however the weapons consist mainly of sword, bow, coóran’lóh, scourge, crossbow etc

If I go with the Kaerian do I have to specialize in the scourge or can I stay with the swords and settle for being proficient with the scourge?

Quote
A main armed force is kept in Elving consisting of two contingents of archers and a mounted core.

If I go for the Knight, can I assume that there are a few knights among the Quaelhoirhim cavalry or do I have to join some other knightly order like the white knights, order of Armeros or something?

As for his god then the idea is that he was a warrior that lost his way and got almost completely consumed by his anger. During that time he probably worshiped Armoros. Then someone woke him up and he turned away from his old and wicked ways. Today he is retired and has sworn not to use his weapons again unless justice demands it. He is still haunted by the horrors of war and the atrocities he committed and he is not proud of the monster he was during that time, so he has turned away from the more warlike god and towards a god that can heal his soul instead of helping him hurt others.

(If that's a no then I think I will go with Amoros.)

Edit:
Thinking about the: Kaýrrhem
1 They use plate (and chain) (Don't know why but I just like plate)
2 With the knight I just keep having this image in my head about a a mounted warrior charging with a lance, and that just doesn't fit well into my experience with a forrest.
3
Quote
As anything they train their skills to perfection before they're considered true warriors
They seem to have highly trained warriors who can match the Kaerian warriors and human knights.

lol if the Kaýrrhem works then I will have to rewrite the history again, but I don't mind. They just told him to go as far away as possible so he left the continent and ended up as a mercenary rest should be roughly the same.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2010, 01:28:04 PM by Azalahn » Logged

Azalahn
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« Reply #42 on: March 15, 2010, 05:36:15 AM »

Ok settled for a Knight and rewrote part of his history and made a few adjustments in red His god is removed for now.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2010, 10:21:31 AM by Azalahn » Logged

Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #43 on: March 15, 2010, 11:38:24 PM »

Ok Azalahn, getting better!

However, the Kayr elves do not have knightly orders or ranks. The elves do not function like human organizations, and this is something that takes some learning for you. The elven culture in Caelereth is not yet fully understood and only now is beginning to form. I can say that elves do not have ranks of lieutenant or captain nor do they organize in platoons. The Kayr are guards and warriors in their tribe and your code of honor is more similar to human tribes such as the Erpheronians.

I suggest, if you want to have a more elven cultured character, is to remove all references to knights, ranks or terms. Remember, you are creating an elf, not a human. In Caelereth, there are differences between the two races in attitude and organization.
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Azalahn
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« Reply #44 on: March 16, 2010, 12:57:07 AM »

Ok corrections made in Orange, removed all ranks and military terminology across the board to reflect that this human way of organizing things is new to him. The mercenaries that he became part of were owned, led and organized by humans. Also removed his code of honor for now.

Edit:
Hmmm not sure if the human organization would be that alien to him. The Korweynites have been allies of the Kaýrrhem for centuries and he went to Korweyn and lived there for some years when he had to leave the jungle. Of course their organization can be different for the mercenary army he was recruited into. An imperial army sure is a much more complex organization, but it starts with the same building blocks. The individual soldier. I think it is plausible that there would be some similarities
« Last Edit: March 16, 2010, 01:09:39 AM by Azalahn » Logged

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