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Author Topic: Zarkin Talker/Centoraurian/Trainer  (Read 10304 times)
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Zarkin Talker
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« Reply #15 on: November 01, 2010, 02:54:25 AM »

sorry about that Leif  grin i've changed that error, im just not awake  :(, but i have changed it if you'd like to take a look.
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« Reply #16 on: November 01, 2010, 06:53:40 AM »

Name: Zarkin Talker

Gender: Male

Race: Human

Age: 29

Tribe: Centoraurian

Occupation: Trainer

Title: Horse Trainer

Appearance: Seriously needed, but I suppose you know. Just flagging it up.

Height: 1 ped, 2 Fores, 2 palmspans, 8 nailsbredths, 4 grains. The word is "nailsbreadths". Also, you don't have to use grains. I know this is 180cm, but that would only be an approximation, yes? Why would you put this height to such accuracy? No need for grains, the guidelines say "Your character's height, to the nearest nailsbreadth".

Weight: 1 pygge, 1 heb, 1 hafeb

Hair colour: Eophran Brown

Eye Colour: Baveras' Eye

Physical Appearance:    

The world to Zarkin in a gift that has been opened many times, but from all the bad things that has happened in his life has made it seem as though nothing could ever change, but whatever he prayed for surely changed it alright.
 
 The world just listens to him like a forgotten parent that never listened to his problems, or helped him, or even fed him but just tossed him on the side of the cobblestoned road and let some one who went by just take him. He views the world now as though that present sent from god had been closed and night had been left forever, no light would return, until some one opened that present and changed his views of life after all!

How is this his physical appearance? This could go in Personality, but it is phrased fairly obscurely - could you clarify your point? You've also already got a place for his appearance - unless you intened that to be a subheading, and all of this within? That's not really needed, and a little confusing.

Personality:

He is usually Joyful joyful and calm when practicing with his bow and arrow, but when he is not he is left drunk on the side of the road faster than you can say "Bob's my uncle!"
  
However, he isn't drunk all the time, most of the time he spends at home writing to his parents in Caltharian, (although he lives in Ximax).Try a different format here, in order to get rid of the brackets. Perhaps the entire sentence as two: However, he isn't drunk all the time. As he lives in Ximax, he spends a great deal of his time at home, writing to his parents, who live in Caltharian". This makes it flow better, and removes a couple of logical quirks - "although he lives in Ximax he writes to his parents?" Is that what you meant? Anyway, I think something along these lines would be good But when socializing with others he is always shy around new people and hardly ever makes friends right off the bat, instead he babbles like an idiot for the first couple of minutes until he can finally say a single sentence withoust pausing to remember what to say.
  
 Remove space, or do it consistently. I think there's no need. Just don't indent. But if you do, for every paragraph please.He is a very curious person, and when he get too curious he gets a visit from the law! He always talks himself out of going to prison but sometimes he gets too close to going. His curiosity almost got himself |Him, not himself. Because the curiosity did it, not him. killed about 6 times (all involving a jump across a river, a house, a tree, a creek, a bridge, and a gate!) The bracketed bit is clumsy. Try saying "...times, involving jumps across a gate, a river, a bridge and once a house!" Also, no numerals for numbers under ten, though some say twelve, and I would prefer words for most things. You can write "six", at least. but the worst thing that happened with his curiosity was when he stumbled into a passing orc and nearly got his head chopped off (will be told in history!) Simply isn't needed. Also, I belive you were told this is unlikely? Sorry, my comments are on an older version of your CD, I don't know what you've changed.
  
 His love life on the other side is in jeopardy, his last girlfriend left him when he was almost killed by curiosity again, he tried to prove his love by trying to jump over a nearby river and nearly drowned making his girlfriend the hero! But he is a very loving person, but never let him try to prove his love to you if you know what i mean!No need for a "But" at the start. And Idon't know whether the "If you know what I mean" is not a bit...off? In any case, a capital "I" would be needed.

Strength's: Strengths  

Fighting- Practiced more than anything in his daily routine, he trains with bows and arrows more than swords and shields. Although his love for horse training is strong, his love for archery is very well practiced, sometimes up to four hours in a single day.
  
 Running- Running is another daily routine for this busy fellow! His time spent running is usually between the time he wakes up to the time he is ready for archery practice. He runs for only 40 minutes and makes it about 7 miles in a single run (no brakes). Running past the bakery is an advantage in speed for him because he is very hungry when he gets home, and when he does he'll stuff his face with food!
  
 Horse training- His horse training job is what pays off all that time to kill, one of the many things he loves to do during his day. He get brakes every two hours (two brakes per day). The only reason he loves horse training is because that is what he was taught to do: in other words it was the only job his parents would let him apply for. His love for horses is amazing, you would never believe a guy like this would love horses more than anything in the world.
  
 Blazer- Blazer is a big strength to Zarkin, not all has Zarkin been training Blazer for just riding but for combat as well., as Zarkin has not only been training Blazer for riding but also for combat. Blazer has the skill and speed (as well as Zarkin does) The bracketed bit is useless. However, Zarkin's reflexes etc. should be mentioned in the Fighting strength. I think, however, that you'll need two for that one. The sword one - a weak strength - and the archery one - a powerful one. but more than an average horse may have. Blazer is very fast and can also do a few moves as well. Although Blazer may seem like an average horse you may not want to get on his bad side, in other words if you make Blazer mad, you'll probably die. Zarkin's combat skills have very much improved ever since Blazer has stepped into his life.

.[Weaknesses:  

   Addiction to Ale- He was first introduced to Ale ale around the early age of 19, and ever since then he has drank drunk nothing other than fresh spring water and Ale ale(not mixed!). And whenever he sometimes has free time he'll go to the bar and have about 4 fourdrinks then leave to go back home.
    
 Fears of being buried alive- Zarkin has always been afraid of being buried alive throughout his whole life. His friends always used to bury him in the sand and leave him there as a kid. Zarkin has always wanted revenge from the times those kids tortured him with sand! Now you might say, "What a wussy!" but Zarkin has fears too, as well as everyone else in the world. The wording is a bit modern. Say "You might think of him as a coward", or similar.

 
Fears of being killed- Zarkin is terrified of being killed. By the way he views it, it is a terrible part of live life that no one should experience, the pain is the part he would HATE!!! He has seen many people die before, but the pain is just too much for his human eyes. Being killed would be the worst thing he would ever like to see happen to him, his life flashing before his eyes, he would not go through with it. Perhaps this could be redone. No-one wants to die. Say he has an irrational phobia of not existing. No-one is unafraid of dying painfully. Perhaps although he takes risks he would run rather than stand his ground. This could be a strength as well, a powerful survival instinct. Or perhaps he takes stupid risks to defy the fear?
  
  Fear of the dark- Fearing the dark has been the most troublesome thing that has ever occurred in Zarkin's life. He has been afraid of the dark ever since he was at the age of 6. Guess what? Yep. Six. You never know what will be lurking in the pitch black night sky, without light Zarkin is useless. He has been tormented as a child from by, not from his fears of the dark, his coordination are amazingly poor for this man. What does the last bit mean? The last clause? I would cut it out, it doesn't seem to fit.

History:

I'm going to read your history some other time. Suffice to say that it needs a fair bit of work. A lot of what you write is not too Santharian. Don't worry, I'll give you some help, or the mods will.*Hint, hint*

His records of being born were lost in the fire that occurred in the hospital about five days when he was taken home by the parents. He claims he was born on the 19Th, but recalls not remembering what month or what year. He was taken to an orphanage around the age of 4 and had no idea why he was taken there, nobody even like him anyway so, on the day all the others were adopted, Zarkin escaped that night never to return. And as soon as he left he some hoe managed to find his way back to his home town. But when he got there the place was in ashed. He found his mother sprawled out on the ground dead, so he cried.
  
  Over the past few years he got up the courage to get people to help him rebuild the whole village. It may have taken them 2 years till it was fully finished but it was worth having a place to live and call home again.
    
 Although his life hasn't gone the way he expected it so far, he is now living a very successful and lucky life, but now he is finding himself face more troubles, but is always getting himself out of the trouble he is facing.
  
 He is always finding ways to help passing travelers by buying their goods, Zarkin is a very generous man, he has helped the poor many times. Helping people is a number one thing for Zarkin, Help is the best way of life, help is something you can never get enough of. Helping would be the best thing to do for Zarkin, his motto is "If you are in distress, never fear to ask for help once in a while!"
  
 Training Blazer is a very good thing to Zarkin, not the average training the combat training. Zarkin hasn't had the time to train for combat himself because he needs to train with Blazer before he can train himself. Blazer can only do about 3 things in order to kill someone, bite their limbs off, trample them, or ram right into them head first. These may not be appropriate for a horse with good manners but to Blazer it is a way to survive.
  
 Zarkin tends to spend more time with Blazer than anyone else, only because Blazer is pretty much the only friend for Zarkin to be with. No parents, no grandparents, nobody. If you asked Zarkin about his parents or any relatives, he would get a sad expression on his face and tell you the most depressing stories he could remember about his parents, and or any relatives. Blazer's story would be the only happy story he would tell you, whoever killed his parents, he has been seeking revenge for over 12 years.
  
Weapons:

Broad bow with about 20 arrows a day for training.

Familiars:

He found a wild black and white spotted horse that he broke in his neighbors corral. It went perfectly, he broke that stallion so fast hehis friend was so amazed. Now his friend has broken horses before but not as fast as 6 minutes and 39 seconds,We have blinks, I think. Look on the Main Site for the details of it - use the Search it is now a personal record for Zarkin, and he intends to beet beAt that record another day! His stallion is now named, Blazer for the battle it had with Zarkin when he broke that horse.

  
 Blazer's personality:

heHe tends to get lonesome sometimes and will somehow get out of his stall. once Oncehe has accomplished that he will usually walk around town for about 20 minutes until he is brought back to Zarkin by a partoll officer. Patrol officer - or a citizen, watch member, anything?
 
 The horse has an uppermost attitude and is always going crazy for a stroll through town, even though he always wonders wandersoff to the bakery except where Zarkin wants to goDoesn't quite work. Just say "rather than where Zarkin wants him to go". But when he does Zarkin will go by buythe horse some bread and they'll be on their way back home.
  
 The only time the horse really starts to go insane is during thunderstorms (i mean almost every horse does!)Not needed, just delete the bracketed bit.. Zarkin has had to bring Blazer into the house countless times because he cant can'tstand to watch that horse be terrified out in the storms.

  
 Blazer's appearance:

He has a black and white spotted body that gives him some distinguishing features. His mane is all white and flows in the wind like a careless piece of clutter from some careless person.
  
 His leg's are very strong and give him his ability to jump fairly high over fences, but Zarkin is always aware of that horse getting out and running to town with triumph. His body and backbone are very sturdy, when he was found about 3 years ago he was in terrible condition, Zarkin later found out that Blazer had escaped from a slaughter house back on a farm.
  
  His eyes are a majestic blue, that is his most beautiful feature. His eyes are as though you are staring into the worlds smallest ocean of amazing blue waters. His eyes are the most convincing part of getting him out of trouble, you just can't stand looking into those eyes and keep him in trouble.
 
Blazer's History:
  
Blazer was kept as a worker horse on a farm for altest 3At least three years, he was fed poorly on a daily basis and was tormented by kids that also worked on the farm, they threw stones at this horse almost every day. But Blazer knew never to charge at the kids or he'd be killed then sold for money.
 
I think you changed this last bit. In any case, you need to fix general spelling and grammar, which I checked mostly. And 3-->three etc.
 
 Blazer lived a terribly painful life and could never forgive the farmer for everything, until one day when Blazer charged the kids and was taken into the barn. Blazer knew what was coming so right as the farmer turned around to get the gun blazer tore off and was gone, he never turned his head to look back he just kept going, not knowing where he was going.
  
 He ran into a man with incredible speed that he about killed the man, so the man forgave him and took him into his home. And that man was Zarkin Talker. He cared for that horse more than his bow and arrow. He fed and groomed the horse everyday.
  
 Blazer could never had thought his life would be this good. So he stayed with Zarkin and that is where he lives now. He lives with the most caring person that horse has ever met. Blazer's body is in now perfect condition, and he vows to his horse life that he will never be treated poorly again, as long as he's with Zarkin.

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« Reply #17 on: November 01, 2010, 07:53:47 AM »

i have fixed most that i could think of Undecided But more comments welcomed Pet
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« Reply #18 on: November 03, 2010, 04:18:28 AM »

Zarkin, I've read through your CD once more, and this sticks out like a sore thumb:

- You have two physical descriptions, albeit not under the same title. Please merge together these two sections so the mods can find them for easy referrence.
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« Reply #19 on: November 03, 2010, 09:35:53 AM »

i have attended to those errors, and ready for new comments! grin
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« Reply #20 on: November 03, 2010, 01:02:31 PM »

Hello again, Zarkin. I'll only be going through the first part of your CD tonight.

The information you have beneath the 'Appearance' heading should be put into the physical appearance and clothing sections as appropriate. It is not meant to be a section of its own, but rather the title for the following group of sections: Height, Weight, Eye and Hair Colour, Physical Appearance and Clothing. You also don't have a clothing section at the moment. Since it is necessary, I ask that you make one.

As for your described appearance, there are a few inconsistencies. You say he is slightly skinny in one paragraph and quite skinny in another. Which is it? You also say he is very muscular and toned and could be thought of as a body builder, which conflicts with the skinniness. Perhaps rather than saying he is skinny, which implies frailty and thinness, you could say he has little body fat?

Also, I am confused about his 'slightly' broad shoulders. (I'm going to advise against the use of the word 'slightly' because it is so vague. I'd replace it with something like 'a little bit'.) Why do they make him feel freakish? Most men have broad shoulders, and surely, if your character's are only *slightly* broad, they shouldn't be out of the ordinary. And what's this about "elvish freak"? What's freakish about elves? From my experience, they're considered to be far more beautiful than humans and nothing about your facial description supports why he would look any different from a typical Centaurorian.

Actually, there isn't much description about his face at all. Does he have a small nose? Puffy cheeks? Devious eyes? anything that can give readers and other players a mental image of your character. Remember, you can see him in your head - we can't! So show him to us  :P
I particularly liked this line: "His smile isn't very inviting but it has its touches of a twinkle" because it gives a solid image of his expression. More phrases like that would be awesome :)

As far as I can tell, he actually sounds rather attractive. If he's going to still consider himself 'freakish looking' and have a skewed self-image this far into adulthood (as in, not just the result of going through puberty) I suggest it be incorporated into his personality or explained in his history as the result of some event. Was he bullied as a child? Did girls make fun of the way he looked?

Okay, that's as much as my brain can put out right now. It's late, I'm tired, and my painkillers have worn off. Also, a little tip: dark colours are awfully hard to read against the grey background of the forums. If you want more people to read your CD without squinting angrily at their computer screens (as I've done) please colour your next changes with something bright and warm like orange, yellow or pink. My eyes will thank you! :)

~Faio~
« Last Edit: November 04, 2010, 12:09:50 AM by Fáiorríl » Logged

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« Reply #21 on: November 03, 2010, 03:54:44 PM »

Faio, that's my fault. I told him that the word "Appearance:" floating around was wrong, and that he should have a section there. I didn't realise it was supposed to be a main heading, sorry, and I think I may have confused him.

Sorry about that, Zarkin. Perhaps if you underline that first "Appearance" or put it in bold we can see more easily.

However, I've never used that heading, I think. I thought it would just confuse people.

Faio makes good comments, both now and generally. Please attend to them, and then wait before bumping your CD/shouting in the shoutbox/posting in the waiting forum.
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« Reply #22 on: November 04, 2010, 06:48:21 AM »

I have attended to those errors, and faio sorry if I offended you, elves are more beautiful than humans.  Ready for comments grin also changes are in orange!
« Last Edit: November 04, 2010, 06:50:07 AM by Zarkin Talker » Logged

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« Reply #23 on: November 04, 2010, 07:03:22 AM »

Heyyy, Zarkin? You have not made any changes to your Physical Appearance. Please attend to my comments before asking for more comments. I won't go through it again until I've seen you put some work into it.

Also, your Clothing section should be placed between the physical description and personality.

~Faio~
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« Reply #24 on: November 04, 2010, 07:56:04 AM »

i have done as asked  grin
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« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2010, 04:44:03 AM »

Mm... Zarkin... I'm not sure we have 'archer' boots or gauntlets in Santharia. I think that gauntlets and boots should be fine. Come to think of it, the only set equipment we have for archers is a bow and arrow.
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« Reply #26 on: November 06, 2010, 04:45:50 AM »

ok ill get to that right now! grin  FIXED! Roll Eyes
« Last Edit: November 06, 2010, 04:47:08 AM by Zarkin Talker » Logged

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« Reply #27 on: November 06, 2010, 08:46:05 AM »

I've also noticed that your History section isn't quite... well, complete. It ends in a cliffhanger, so to speak. I want you to expand on this.

Another thing is that your character is in Ximax at the moment, if I read correctly. Not many stories take place in Ximax, so a lot of people tend to have characters that travel all over Caelereth, so to be able to participate in these stories. Just pointing it out though, it might give you some trouble when you're trying to find a story to play in.

End of message.
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« Reply #28 on: November 06, 2010, 11:37:09 AM »

Zarkin has done everything respectably as asked!

Comments welcomed! grin grin grin
« Last Edit: November 06, 2010, 12:18:01 PM by Zarkin Talker » Logged

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« Reply #29 on: November 07, 2010, 12:54:35 AM »

He doesn't seem like a typical human from Centoraurian, more of a freak. He has sort of a babyish face and quite muscled body. He kind of has the characteristics of his tribe, which would most likely be, using a bow as a weapon and training horses. His hair has a perfect edge to it, the back to his shoulders and his bangs pointed to the right side of his face. His smile isn't very inviting but it has its touches of a twinkle.
 
 His facial parts aren't what the seem sometimes, if you take a close look at his upper lip he has a scar that he got from his father after he went to give Zarkin wood but it hit his upper lip. His legs are toned with muscle, mostly because he always runs seven miles in the morning! But he can do all sorts of tricks for the children that live around them. Sometimes he'll show off by doing back- flips and front- flips for the children as he runs by. He has some broad shoulders, which gives him quite a freakish look to himself. 

Zarkin always keeps himself fit, because when he was a child he was mocked about his weight, and ever since then he has been working out every chance he'll get. He has the muscle you would never believe after seeing him as a child and seeing him now is like looking a whole new person. He has lived up to his promise to stay fit, the one he had a crush on always mocked him until he started working out more. And the kids couldn't believe their eyes once they saw a new kid walk right in front of them!

He is always trying to find time to get some running done for the day (instead of in the morning) for a change. Zarkin is constantly worried about his weight, his concern is like watching a group of bandits burn the neighborhood down. Zarkin always eats healthy food as much as he can, he may seem more on the worrying side, but really he's not. He is just a man seeking healthy habits.

When he is on his morning run, he usually runs past the market just to see how busy it is and to see what is new in the market. Zarkin leaves the market then turns around and finds different roads that he could easily memorize while he is running. He'll just turn around once he starts to get a little tired and go back home. But he is not only looking for new roads to run on he is finding selfconfidence, it makes him run much faster as he is about to get home.


His facial parts are quite distinct, he has a medium sized nose, medium sized mouth. His ears are a bit small, but not too small, about medium sized. His eyes have sort of a devious look when he smirks, but most of the time his eyes looks very relaxed as though he is sleeping. His jaw is slightly medium sized and he has a slightly flat chin. His chin matches with his jaw, perfect as though he is in a relaxing stage of sleep.

His eyes are sometimes described as "a bed of warmth" by some people because, when he smiles his eyes look like soft blankets that posses a warm heat. His eyes really bring out the best in him. He is known to be a person with the eyes of a man with a beautiful personality, it is true because he is both handsome and has a beautiful personality.

Let me explain the idea behind editing. When someone sueggests that there is something wrong, you change things. This is particularly important when the person in question has a little plaque. The little plaque means that their comments will likely have a direct bearing on the speed of your approval. Which brings us to your Apearance section. What you've done since comments have been made on this section is add onto the problem. If you burn the meat, tossing layers of sauce and veggies on top isn't going to help exactly, now is it? It's turning into a bit of a Frankenstien-ian monstrosity at this point, without addressing the initial comments. Two of the paragraphs you've added really have no place in the Appearance section. I've highlighted them above in red The sections which are still in white are not well written.They are vague and don't really tell us anything about the features you're describing.
In my estimation, you'd be further off at this point to start writing this section over, and paying close attention to the comments made earlier.

Now that this is clear. I'd like to make a point of my own. The mods here are volunteers. Every time you add a "Look! I did things! I'm done!" comment, the mods go look at it. They might even sigh and not bother reading it because they have other things to do. There is a reason that the rule about waiting three days is in place. It's to keep you from annoying the moderators, mini-mods and CD commentors to the point that they begin to ignore you.

Every time you try to rush to approval, you slow yourself down. Take the time to do your work and remember: The Mods aren't here for just you, and they certainly won't do your work for you.
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