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Author Topic: Ergolach Flowerdew/Erpheronian/Bard  (Read 10087 times)
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Ridgen Sú'ufanán
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« Reply #30 on: November 03, 2010, 05:07:11 PM »

Hello! I'm back from school, and now there are a few things we're going to discuss about your CD. Comments in orange, as always.

Name: Ergolach Flowerdew

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Birthday: 13th of Changing Winds

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian

Occupation: Bard

Title: Erratic Bard

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 3 nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 pygge, 5 hebs


Hair colour: ink black


Eyes: eophran brown

Appearance:
Ergolach is quite tall and slender, sinewy and light-footed. His black hair are shoulder-long and wavy, his brown eyes are sort of shiny and he screws them up quite often. He has tanned skin, thin moustache and a tuft of hair under the lower lip . His cheek bones are very distinctive, his nose is big and straight and he has a domed forehead. His voice is low-pitched and delicate.

Hm... There's a bit lacking here. How about more description of your face? Does your character have rosy cheeks? A long nose? Something distinctive that differs him from other Erpheronians.

Clothing:
His clothing is usually coordinated in tones of karikrimson and aerullin red. He wears a shirt with long sleeves, close-bodied pants, leather belt and a long cloak with a cape which he hasn't on if it isn't necessary. There are big round earrings from some cheap metal in his ears, he also wears a couple of pinchbeck rings and a goldenrod scarf around his neck. His boots are made of leather and have pointed foreparts.

Personality:
Almost everything that he does he does for fun and enjoyment. To be bored is what he hates the most. Often he follows his momentary whims. He's mostly calm but sometimes he gets mad without a reason when nobody expects it usually because of drunkeness or fatigue. He's more of a pessimist, total nihilist and also a little bit cynical.

He's irresponsible and has no sense for duty, he likes to manipulate with other people, to cheat on them and to lie to them. He does it just for fun – he doesn't want to enrich himself or to harm someone. He is quite negligent. He cares about his appearance very much.

He's careless and he doesn't fear death but this totally changes when he's hurt or thinks he's in real danger. He is able to dauntlessly plunge into the fight and then to run away quickly when he feels like it.
He's nonchalant, tolerant and forbearing, open to different opinions but also very selfish, avaricious and ignorant to other people's needs.

People mostly like him – he is courteous, many people find him charming and he has strong sense of humour (malevolent & sarcastic) but he can be also quite arrogant. He likes to speak but he doesn't like to speak about himself.

This bit here is a bit... out of flow. I suggest removing the last statement and replacing it with something like, "He enjoys talking, but he does not like to speak of himself." Something like that.

He is absolutely heterodox in every sense. His freethought and rebellious spirit can give offense to some people. In addition Ergolach opposes all authorities and laws. He would never kill an innocent being and he would never betray his friends (if it weren't necessary for him to stay alive). His own freedom is one of the most important values for him but he doesn't care about freedom of others.

He is a bisexual but he prefers women and especially elvish ones. He is lascivious and barefaced.

He is a complete atheist but he's tolerant to beliefs of others (even when he laughs at them sometimes).

He likes to sing and whistle, quite often he touches other people without any reason. He loves alcohol, gambling and good food and he is interested in folk lore, mythology and poetry.

Strengths:

Speechcraft: He can speak very well. His elocution helps him with ingratiating into someone's confidence or convincing most people to do flavours for him. It can give him advantage when haggling which is just another type of game for him. It's more effective when talking to one particular person but Ergolach can impressively speak to a bigger group as well.
He can't persuade people to believe what they don't want to believe or to convince them to do something they don't want to do at all but most people are willing to believe that he's nice guy even when they almost don't know him. He speaks only Tharian.

Lockpicking: Ergolach isn't a master thief but he can pick most types of ordinary locks when given enough time.

Pickpocketing: Again, he isn't a master thief. He can quite easily steal from unsuspecting people in the crowd and this is also the way how he can get some money quite fast but basically it would be rather difficult for him to steal from someone who has more money and expects that they could be picked.

Dancing: He is good at various styles of solo country dancing which is also part of his performance sometimes but he knows the basics of some couple dances as well.

Playing the lute: As a lute player, Ergolach is virtually a self-taught person and he isn't as good as educated musicians. He has a wide repertoire and he can play many types of songs from emotional ballads to larky drinking songs.

Writing and reciting: Ergolach's poems are long lyrical pieces with emphasis on onomatopoeia or epic ones. Most of the latter ones are based on folk tales and myths Ergolach heard somewhere but some of them he completely made up. He also knows by heart some poems he didn't write. The problem with his poems is that they mostly don't express any sincere emotions and that makes them a little bit banal in comparison with some great lyrical poetry.

Street fighter: Fist-to-fist, Ergolach would beat most people – even the ones who look stronger than him – thanks to his reflexes and sleight but he couldn't face an armed foe.

Swordplay: He is able to use his rapier and dagger together. He wouldn't be able to defeat really trained and skilled swordsman or strong warrior but still, he can be quite a tough foe for those who just use their weapons without training. While fighting the sword, he also uses his skills in both dancing and fist-to-fist fighting.

Weaknesses:

Alcoholism: Ergolach is addicted to alcohol although he says that he isn't. When he's too drunk, he gets irascible and tends to insult people but usually there's no perceivable change in his personality. He just gets slower in both moving and thinking, and his reflexes get worse. He prefers wine.

Gambling: He loves to play card and dice games but he isn't choosy when it comes to games of hazard. He also likes to bet on anything just for fun and excitement even when there's a little chance he could win.

Phobic fear of water: He fears water and he's even scared when it's raining. In the rain he just isn't able to stay outside and when he has to, he suffers from full-pledged panic attacks. This phobia has no explainable reason.

Phobic fear of wild animals: He fears most non-domestic animals, especially foxes and wolves, and also some domestic ones, especially dogs. It's because he was almost killed by a wolf in Goltherlon Forest. He tries to avoid any contact with animals he fears and although he knows that his fear is largely irrational, he is able to run away in panic when he sees them paradoxically even when it can provoke them to attack him. He avoids to travel in the forests.

Flat singing: His voice isn't displeasing but he just sings flat. He doesn't realise it or, to be more accurate, doesn't want to realise it. Sometimes it means losing customers for him.

Need of sleep: He needs at least ten hours of sleep per night to function normally. If he doesn't sleep enough, he feels dizzy, his muscles ache and hands shiver, he yawns a lot and is easily irritable.

Bad back: He can carry a third of a normal person's comfortable load because of a lingering back problem which he's had since he was heavily beaten in Marcogg.

Pain intolerant: He has a low pain tolerance. When he feels bigger pain (for example when he's chopped) he may faint. Usually he rouses up quite quickly.


Very nice. I think this is balanced enough, so not much comment here.


History:
Ergolach was born in the city of Nyermersys. His father Normin is a wealthy merchant and he wanted Ergolach to become merchant as well. Ergolach's mother Aeriga comes from a noble family and many people – including Ergolach – think that Normin married her only because of prestige and money.
Normin is a strict and humorless man. He cares only about money and work. He never listens to other people and doesn't even want to understand anyone. For most of the time he wasn't at home.
Aeriga is a bloodless woman who loves literature but didn't care much about her son. However, the library which was full of interesting books because of Aeriga, was one of Ergolach's favourite places of the house as he read most of the books that were there. At 13 he also wrote his first poems which were just variations of what he read.
Ergolach had private tutors to educate him in fields of religion, etiquette, business but also classical literature due to his mother's interests. Ergolach spent most of his time in company of servants partly because his parents didn't pay attention to him. He listened to the stories they were telling and to the songs they were singing and this influenced him a lot. The servants also taught him the basics of lute playing. Another thing he liked was picking locks in his family's house and also making trips to town when his parents didn't know and picking pockets of people in the streets.
When he was 15 years old, he had a romantic relationship – and first sexual experiences – with Colinn, a chambermaid who was 20 years old.
At 19 he decided to run away from home because he was scared that he would have to become a merchant. Ergolach condemns his parents partly because they didn't even try to search for him.

For a couple of months he lived in the streets of Nyermersys as a thief and busker. He wrote his first own poems and songs and started to drink heavily. He also took part in a lot of gambling and street fighting. Once he got caught when he was stealing at the marketplace. He escaped and he decided to run away from the Nyermersys.

Ergolach decided to travel by foot and all by himself from Nyermersys to Voldar. He again started to make money by busking and stealing. In a card game in one pub he won an iron dagger. He has learned a lot of folk songs he didn't know before while he was spending time in pubs. In Voldar he met Hjalen, a fleshy Avennorian girl who made her money as a street dancer and occassional prostitute. Hjalen fell in love with Ergolach and he – as he would say – quite liked her. They had a sexual relationship and also performed together quite successfully. After short time they moved to Jernais where they didn't stand for more than a few weeks and then they travelled to Elsreth. In Goltherlon Forest, they were attacked by a wolf. They managed to drive him away but Ergolach was very badly wounded. They got to a settlement of Golgnomes where they had to stay until Ergolach recovered. After that they have been together to Elsreth, Yorick, Kor Mithrid and Tyr Ethran. In Tyr Ethran, Hjalen left Ergolach because he didn't want to marry her and settle down.

He travelled by himself to Marcogg where he among other things tried to make money as a wrestler but he got heavily beaten for a couple of times. He stayed in Marcogg almost for a year.

When he travelled from Marcogg to Chrondra, he encountered the Black Butterfly Rovers. They taught him many songs and tales and also the art of knife throwing. He also had his first sexual experience with a man. It's quite uncommon but he has left the group after two years. However, there was no hatred and Ergolach feels that many Rovers are still his friends.

Currently, Ergolach travels alone looking for thrill and pleasure.


Good, but you still haven't explained when he learned to handle a sword. I doubt it was part of his tutoring, for his parents would probably have no need for such things - I expect that they'd be hiding behind a bodyguard of some sort most of the time. But that's my opinion.

Also, you still haven't removed the part about the Black Butterfly Rovers teaching him about knife throwing. Do remove it.


That's all from me.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2010, 05:08:07 PM by Ridgen Sú'ufanán » Logged

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« Reply #31 on: November 03, 2010, 09:54:15 PM »

Thanks, Ridgen.
I've made the changes you've suggested. Now the fact that the Rovers taught him to handle the sword might look questionable but I think there are many kinds of people among them and that swordsplay is also a bit of acrobacy.
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #32 on: November 05, 2010, 07:15:54 PM »

Mmm... I can't see anything wrong with your CD now, Ergolach, so I daresay you might be ready for an approval :) Shoutout to one of the mods to take a look at this CD.

Good luck, Ergolach.

Ridgen
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« Reply #33 on: November 06, 2010, 07:56:31 AM »

Thank you... and thank you very much for your help. :)

So should I send a Personal Message to some of the moderators now?
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #34 on: November 06, 2010, 08:15:10 AM »

No, I think it's best to wait. If nobody comes in about three days, post on the 'Character Descriptions in Waiting' thread and someone will come and take a look.
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"Everything is a game - some people just don't realise that."
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« Reply #35 on: November 07, 2010, 12:38:59 AM »

I will wait then.  :)
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #36 on: November 07, 2010, 11:23:51 AM »

Quote
He is a bisexual but he prefers women and especially elvish ones. He is lascivious and barefaced.

Please rephrase this bit. The concept of "bisexual" is not known in this world. Also, elves and humans rarely mate given their different cultures and lifestyles. Being lascivious is fine, but keep with humans, not elves.
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« Reply #37 on: November 07, 2010, 06:02:18 PM »

OK, I've erased his affection for elvish women as well as the word "bisexual". However, I've kept the fact that he practically is a bisexual. I hope it's OK.  :)
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #38 on: November 08, 2010, 08:13:55 AM »

- Please explain the origin of the water phobia and the atheist beliefs. You touch on them and never explain how or why you are like that.

- Remove the sexual experiences and practices. Unless those have direct bearing on the personality and history, they don't belong. They are simply mentioned and have no context at all.

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Ergolach Flowerdew
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« Reply #39 on: November 08, 2010, 08:56:19 AM »

Alright, it's done.
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #40 on: November 12, 2010, 07:23:44 AM »

Name: Ergolach Flowerdew

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Birthday: 13th of Changing Winds

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian

Occupation: Bard

Title: Erratic Bard

Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 3 nailsbreadths

Weight: 1 pygge, 5 hebs

Hair colour: ink black

Eyes: eophran brown

Appearance:
Ergolach is quite tall and slender, sinewy and light-footed. His black hair are shoulder-long and wavy, his brown eyes are sort of shiny and he screws them up quite often. He has tanned skin, thin moustache and a tuft of hair under the lower lip . His cheek bones are very distinctive, his nose is long and straight. He has a domed forehead, thin and angled eyebrows, prominent ears, lips which form the omnipresent surreptitous smile and a heart-shaped chin. His voice is low-pitched and delicate.

surreptitious  Pet

Clothing:
His clothing is usually coordinated in tones of karikrimson and aerullin red. He wears a shirt with long sleeves, close-bodied pants, leather belt and a long cloak with a hood which he hasn't raised if it isn't necessary. There are big round earrings from some cheap metal in his ears, he also wears a couple of pinchbeck rings and a goldenrod scarf around his neck. His boots are made of leather and have pointed foreparts.

Personality:
Almost everything that he does he does for fun and enjoyment. To be bored is what he hates the most. Often he follows his momentary whims. He's mostly calm but sometimes he gets mad without a reason when nobody expects it usually because of drunkeness or fatigue. He's more of a pessimist, total nihilist and also a little bit cynical.

drunkenness

He's irresponsible and has no sense for duty, he likes to manipulate with other people, to cheat on them and to lie to them. He does it just for fun – he doesn't want to enrich himself or to harm someone. He is quite negligent. He cares about his appearance very much.

He's careless and he doesn't fear death but this totally changes when he's hurt or thinks he's in real danger. He is able to dauntlessly plunge into the fight and then to run away quickly when he feels like it.
He's nonchalant, tolerant and forbearing, open to different opinions but also very selfish, avaricious and ignorant to other people's needs.

People mostly like him – he is courteous, many people find him charming and he has strong sense of humour (malevolent & sarcastic) but he can be also quite arrogant. He enjoys talking but doesn't like to speak of himself.

He is absolutely heterodox (heterodox?) in every sense. His freethought (freethinking?) and rebellious spirit can give offense to some people. In addition Ergolach opposes all authorities and laws. He would never kill an innocent being and he would never betray his friends (if it weren't necessary for him to stay alive). His own freedom is one of the most important values for him but he doesn't care about freedom of others.

He is lascivious and barefaced, looking for adventures with both men and women. (Perhaps describe his barefaced separately. It doesn't fit in this sentence well.)

He is a complete atheist (again, the term atheist is not a Santh term. Which is surprising given that his attitude and outlook on life really fits well with the reverence of Etherus, the god of excess and "free love" so to speak...) - mostly because he thinks that religion is a tool for bounding people's freedom and partly because his strong believe that there is no real meaning of life - but he's tolerant to beliefs of others (even when he laughs at them sometimes).

He likes to sing and whistle, quite often he touches other people without any reason. He loves alcohol, gambling and good food and he is interested in folk lore, mythology and poetry.

Strengths:

Speechcraft: He can speak very well. His elocution helps him with ingratiating into someone's confidence or convincing most people to do flavours for him. It can give him advantage when haggling which is just another type of game for him. It's more effective when talking to one particular person but Ergolach can impressively speak to a bigger group as well.
He can't persuade people to believe what they don't want to believe or to convince them to do something they don't want to do at all but most people are willing to believe that he's nice guy even when they almost don't know him. He speaks only Tharian.

Lockpicking: Ergolach isn't a master thief but he can pick most types of ordinary locks when given enough time.

Pickpocketing: Again, he isn't a master thief. He can quite easily steal from unsuspecting people in the crowd and this is also the way how he can get some money quite fast but basically it would be rather difficult for him to steal from someone who has more money and expects that they could be picked.

Dancing: He is good at various styles of solo country dancing which is also part of his performance sometimes but he knows the basics of some couple dances as well.

Playing the lute: As a lute player, Ergolach is virtually a self-taught person and he isn't as good as educated musicians. He has a wide repertoire and he can play many types of songs from emotional ballads to larky drinking songs.

Writing and reciting: Ergolach's poems are long lyrical pieces with emphasis on onomatopoeia or epic ones. Most of the latter ones are based on folk tales and myths Ergolach heard somewhere but some of them he completely made up. He also knows by heart some poems he didn't write. The problem with his poems is that they mostly don't express any sincere emotions and that makes them a little bit banal in comparison with some great lyrical poetry.

Street fighter: Fist-to-fist, Ergolach would beat most people – even the ones who look stronger than him – thanks to his reflexes and sleight but he couldn't face an armed foe.

Swordplay: He is able to use his rapier and dagger together. He wouldn't be able to defeat really trained and skilled swordsman or strong warrior but still, he can be quite a tough foe for those who just use their weapons without training. While fighting with the sword, he also uses his skills in both dancing and fist-to-fist fighting.

(Your fighting skills sound quite advanced. Where did you learn them? Two years with the Rovers wouldn't have taught you how to wield a dagger and rapier as well as dancing. I would say you have a low to moderate skill with the rapier at best.)

Weaknesses:

Alcoholism: Ergolach is addicted to alcohol although he says that he isn't. When he's too drunk, he gets irascible and tends to insult people but usually there's no perceivable change in his personality. He just gets slower in both moving and thinking, and his reflexes get worse. He prefers wine.

Gambling: He loves to play card and dice games but he isn't choosy when it comes to games of hazard. He also likes to bet on anything just for fun and excitement even when there's a little chance he could win.

Phobic fear of water: He fears water and he's even scared when it's raining. In the rain he just isn't able to stay outside and when he has to, he suffers from full-pledged panic attacks. The most probable cause of this fear is that he almost drowned when he was a child.

Phobic fear of wild animals: He fears most non-domestic animals, especially foxes and wolves, and also some domestic ones, especially dogs. It's because he was almost killed by a wolf in Goltherlon Forest. He tries to avoid any contact with animals he fears and although he knows that his fear is largely irrational, he is able to run away in panic when he sees them paradoxically even when it can provoke them to attack him. He avoids to travel in the forests.

Flat singing: His voice isn't displeasing but he just sings flat. He doesn't realise it or, to be more accurate, doesn't want to realise it. Sometimes it means losing customers for him.

Need of sleep: He needs at least ten hours of sleep per night to function normally. If he doesn't sleep enough, he feels dizzy, his muscles ache and hands shiver, he yawns a lot and is easily irritable.

(Most people need good sleep of they feel the effects you describe. Not really an effective weakness)

Bad back: He can carry a third of a normal person's comfortable load because of a lingering back problem which he's had since he was heavily beaten in Marcogg. (Does this bad back affect his dancing at all?)

Pain intolerant: He has a low pain tolerance. When he feels bigger pain (for example when he's chopped) he may faint. Usually he rouses up quite quickly. (When he's chopped?? How often does that happen?)


History:
Ergolach was born in the city of Nyermersys. His father Normin is a wealthy merchant and he wanted Ergolach to become merchant as well. Ergolach's mother Aeriga comes from a noble family and many people – including Ergolach – think that Normin married her only because of prestige and money.
(paragraph break)
Normin is a strict and humorless man. He cares only about money and work. He never listens to other people and doesn't even want to understand anyone. For most of the time he wasn't at home.
Aeriga is a bloodless woman who loves literature but didn't care much about her son. However, the library which was full of interesting books because of Aeriga, was one of Ergolach's favourite places of the house as he read most of the books that were there. At 13 he also wrote his first poems which were just variations of what he read.
Ergolach had private tutors to educate him in fields of religion, etiquette, business but also classical literature due to his mother's interests. Ergolach spent most of his time in company of servants partly because his parents didn't pay attention to him. He listened to the stories they were telling and to the songs they were singing and this influenced him a lot. The servants also taught him the basics of lute playing. Another thing he liked was picking locks in his family's house and also making trips to town when his parents didn't know and picking pockets of people in the streets.
(paragraph break)
When he was 15 years old, he had a romantic relationship with Colinn, a chambermaid who was 20 years old.
At 19 he decided to run away from home because he was scared that he would have to become a merchant. Ergolach condemns his parents partly because they didn't even try to search for him.

(Why wouldn't his parents search for him? Why was he scared of being a merchant? And why did he find the need to pick locks at random?)

For a couple of months he lived in the streets of Nyermersys as a thief and busker. He wrote his first own poems and songs and started to drink heavily. He also took part in a lot of gambling and street fighting. Once he got caught when he was stealing at the marketplace. He escaped and he decided to run away from the Nyermersys.

Ergolach decided to travel by foot and all by himself from Nyermersys to Voldar. He again started to make money by busking and stealing. In a card game in one pub he won an iron dagger. He has learned a lot of folk songs he didn't know before while he was spending time in pubs. In Voldar he met Hjalen, a fleshy Avennorian girl who made her money as a street dancer and occassional prostitute. Hjalen fell in love with Ergolach and he – as he would say – quite liked her. They had a sexual relationship and also performed together quite successfully. After short time they moved to Jernais where they didn't stand for more than a few weeks and then they travelled to Elsreth. In Goltherlon Forest, they were attacked by a wolf. They managed to drive him away but Ergolach was very badly wounded. They got to a settlement of Golgnomes where they had to stay until Ergolach recovered. After that they have been together to Elsreth, Yorick, Kor Mithrid and Tyr Ethran. In Tyr Ethran Hjalen left Ergolach because he didn't want to marry her and settle down.

He travelled by himself to Marcogg where he among other things tried to make money as a wrestler but he got heavily beaten for a couple of times. He stayed in Marcogg almost for a year.

When he travelled from Marcogg to Chrondra, he encountered the Black Butterfly Rovers who taught him many songs and tales as wall as handling the rapier he had been carrying for a long time without knowing how to use it properly. It's quite uncommon but he has left the group after two years. However, there was no hatred and Ergolach feels that many Rovers are still his friends.

(Your lifestyle fits quite well with the Rovers. Why did you leave?)

Currently, Ergolach travels alone looking for thrill and pleasure.

Weapons:
Rapier: Ergolach posseses a rapier with a leather covered hand-guard. This weapon is one of the things he took from home.
Dagger: He also uses an iron dagger, mostly as a accessory weapon in left hand.

Belongings:
Lute
Three picklocks
Two quill pens
Big journal with writings
Three shirts
Two pairs of pants
Leather boots
A cloak
Two cheap earrings
Five cheap rings
A goldenrod scarf
A leather bag
A leather belt
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Leif Terskun
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« Reply #41 on: November 12, 2010, 07:52:16 AM »

From the Concise Oxford English Dictionary:

Quote
heterodox, adj. (of a person, opinion, etc.) not orthodox. ##heterodoxy n. [LL heterodoxus f. Gk. (as HETERO-, doxos f. doxa opinion)]

Yes, I copied it out. That is heterodox.
« Last Edit: November 12, 2010, 07:52:55 AM by Leif Terskun » Logged

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« Reply #42 on: November 12, 2010, 08:31:12 AM »

Thank you very much for your suggestions. I've tried to improved everything... Just:
- Ergolach was able to dance even before he met the Rovers
- he has to sleep at least for 10 hours every night to feel normal; maybe it's not a big weakness but I think it's still a weakness...
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Ergolach Flowerdew ['ɛɾɡolax 'flʌuəɾdjʉ]
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« Reply #43 on: November 15, 2010, 06:45:13 AM »

From the appearance section:

Quote
His voice is low-pitched and delicate.

This does not belong in the appearance section. I would suggest you move it to your personality section.

Now, I'm going to have a relatively thorough read of your CD, and possibly give you an  Thumb upapproval Thumb up today (which I'm glad that I have the time today to exercise my new responsibilities for the first time!). If not, I'll probably just have a few more contentions with your CD before you get an approval from me.
« Last Edit: November 15, 2010, 06:47:05 AM by Alexandre Scriabin » Logged

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Alexandre Scriabin CD
Alexandre Scriabin
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Human, Erpheronian/ Rhulran


« Reply #44 on: November 15, 2010, 07:11:42 AM »

Quote
He's mostly calm but sometimes he gets mad without a reason when nobody expects it usually because of drunkenness or fatigue.

Two things:

1. Just how often does he get tired and cranky? It doesn't sound right when I churn that sentence through my head and remind myself that I'm reading about a 26 year old Erphoronian. He's a dancer, a swordsman, and a street fighter after all. So, seeing as this trait would be very much of a factor in rping with him, we need to get our facts straight here.

2. You have included alcohol as a weakness, and mentioned it a little bit in your personality section, yet you haven't told us just how severe it is. I did note that you said there isn't much of a discernible effect on his personality when he drinks, but if you would let us know just how often he makes a boor of himself by drinking, we can get a better idea of the balance between the strengths and weaknesses, and get something of a clearer picture of his personality.

And as for the rest of your CD-


1. Things add up just fine in the history section, and you've given a decent background the personality in your history section. So, I'm perfectly satisfied with that section.

2. The clothing section needs a little more material in it, so that we can visualize it better. So let's take a look at it and apply what I just said:

Quote
His clothing is usually coordinated in tones of karikrimson and aerullin red. He wears a shirt with long sleeves, close-bodied pants, leather belt and a long cloak with a hood which he hasn't raised if it isn't necessary. There are big round earrings from some cheap metal in his ears, he also wears a couple of pinchbeck rings and a goldenrod scarf around his neck. His boots are made of leather and have pointed foreparts.

The long sleeved shirt, what material is it? How does it fit him? What material are the pants? And what of the long cloak? What kind of cheap metal are you referring to when you mention his "round earrings"?

3. There is one last thing in your personality section that just doesn't add up:

Quote
People mostly like him – he is courteous, many people find him charming and he has strong sense of humour (malevolent & sarcastic) but he can be also quite arrogant.

People mostly like him? He is courteous and charming? In the rest of your personality section, you describe him as irresponsible, carefree, lascivious, immodest, atheist, and as an alcoholic who randomly touches people, and that he follows momentary whims and absolutely hates being bored. So, as you can see, the part that I quoted just doesn't add up with the rest of it.

Well, that's it. If you can settle these little problems, you can expect an approval from me pretty soon.
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