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Author Topic: Geoffrey Cracker - Serphelorian Human - Spy  (Read 6322 times)
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Geoffrey Cracker
Jack-of-all-Trades
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Gender: Male
Posts: 28

Human, Serphelorian/ Korweynite


« Reply #15 on: November 16, 2010, 07:52:17 AM »

Chopped and changed.
Thanks again :)
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“So many bloody thieves about this place. It’s a wonder anyone’s got stuff for people to steal at all…”
Geoffrey Cracker
Jack-of-all-Trades
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Gender: Male
Posts: 28

Human, Serphelorian/ Korweynite


« Reply #16 on: November 25, 2010, 04:36:28 AM »

Changes made :D
Character Description is ready for comments.
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“So many bloody thieves about this place. It’s a wonder anyone’s got stuff for people to steal at all…”
Leif Terskun
Golden Wordsmith
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Human, Avennorian


« Reply #17 on: November 25, 2010, 05:18:07 AM »

Well, you've been brilliant being this patient with asking for comments - you posted you were done, and then waited nine days! Thanks from me, it's just easier for all of the mods, minis and commenters when people are so patient.

Now, to cases. A bit of your clothing jars at me - minor, but odd. You say that at smart occasions he wear an unbuttoned waistcoat, because he's only a servant - why? Why wouldn't servants be expected to be smart. I've put a waistcoat on, and undone it feels a bit silly. It flaps around - it's designed to be done up. Just a minor clothes-related nitpick.

Quote
Geoffrey wears no jewellery, ever – “its just gold on show,” he would say, and thus easier to steal.

Its should be it's - the possesive form takes no apostrophe, the contractive form of "it is" does. Grammar-related - although by and large your grammar is fine. To me, a bit of a grammar fiend evil, it stands out like a protruding tree root over which I trip ignominiously in the softly lit forest of your prose. Note to self - Remember above for future use.

Moving swiftly on, we find that he has failed to talk to
Quote
a Gnome or a Dwarf or even another human smith
, a sentence which implies that he is a human smith. Just cut the "another" from the running.

Other than that, it looks fine. Your Personality and Appearance are lovely, and your History is good - giving information without being overlong, or too short. I reckon you're balanced, although the Mods have the final say there. Speaking of which...

*Pokes his head out of the thread and calls for some mods, ending with a sweet "Please?"*

Anyway, good luck with the titling. If further issue areas are mentioned, I'll try to give you a hand with them. But I hope there won't be any.

Leif
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Leif Terskun
Geoffrey Cracker
Jack-of-all-Trades
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Gender: Male
Posts: 28

Human, Serphelorian/ Korweynite


« Reply #18 on: November 25, 2010, 05:41:21 AM »

Sorted :) And now we play the waiting game...

Thanks for helping me out on my CD! :D
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“So many bloody thieves about this place. It’s a wonder anyone’s got stuff for people to steal at all…”
Twén Aråerwén
Death's Mistress
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Elf, Ifer’hém


« Reply #19 on: November 25, 2010, 07:05:30 AM »

Hello Geoffrey and welcome to Santharia! It has been sometime since I commented on a CD so bare with me. :)

Much of your CD was a pleasure to read, yet I did find this tiny quirk.
Quote
Cunning – Not smart per se, he knows where to strike a man, or pick a lock. Just don't ask him any riddles.
If he is capable of picking locks, this would/should be it's own strength. Since a common peasant would not be able to do so.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2010, 07:06:35 AM by Twén Aråerwén » Logged

•º•The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon, •º•
•º•ancient and full of death.•º•
_.·´¯) Twén Aråerwén's CD(¯`·._
Valan Nonesuch
Collector of Lore
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #20 on: November 25, 2010, 07:27:34 AM »

Since strengths and weaknesses are balanced according to the average person, I will make the following remarks:


With bad luck like that, why would anyone in their right mind continue with such a profession as espionage? Become a travelling craftsman or something where you're less likely to be killed because of your bad luck.

Suspicion of magic, a fear of orcs and a dislike of elves are not worthwhile weaknesses. The average peasant will rarely travel further than two villages over, or to the nearest town perhaps. Unless they live near an elven wood, the city of Ximax or north of the Tandalas, they will not encounter, in their lifetime a wizard, orc, or elf. The latter two might even count as fairy tales.

Your clumsiness likewise, is not as strong a weakness as it might first seem, since you don't sneak.

Poor money management does not seem such a terrible weakness either, though it may simply need to be elaborated.

For the record, there aren't that many orcs in Santharia. The Volkek-Oshra don't travel too far from Ximax so there wouldn't be stories about them breaking up taverns. And to be perfectly fair, any one with half a brain might want to be afraid of an orc. The odds of them coming into play and being played properly seem slim. In addition I don't think they're well elaborated. "Oh look. Magic. I am suspicious." "Oh look an elf. I don't like you"." "Oh look an orc. Run away." That's what I get from the weaknesses as is.


However, since I really must make some sort of point here. Sir, your character is unbalanced.
« Last Edit: November 25, 2010, 07:29:07 AM by Valan Nonesuch » Logged

Do not act incautiously when confronting little bald wrinkly smiling men!
Valan Nonesuch
Alexandre Scriabin
Music Adept
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Human, Erpheronian/ Rhulran


« Reply #21 on: November 25, 2010, 07:50:56 AM »

I switched you to the pencil icon, so that everyone can know that you currently have comments to work on.
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Alexandre Scriabin CD
Geoffrey Cracker
Jack-of-all-Trades
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Gender: Male
Posts: 28

Human, Serphelorian/ Korweynite


« Reply #22 on: November 28, 2010, 11:50:35 PM »

Valan, you made some good arguments there, and I have hopefully adjusted the CD accordingly (although I feel that it's still not quite enough).

Thanks for the helpful comments :)
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“So many bloody thieves about this place. It’s a wonder anyone’s got stuff for people to steal at all…”
Malexia Vendu
Tainted Flame
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #23 on: November 30, 2010, 04:56:10 AM »

Hi Geoffrey!  Pet

I would say your CD is very balanced. In fact, I think your strengths and weaknesses are some of the best I've seen in awhile. They are low key, not over the top and fit the character's lifestyle. Well done!
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Geoffrey Cracker
Jack-of-all-Trades
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Gender: Male
Posts: 28

Human, Serphelorian/ Korweynite


« Reply #24 on: November 30, 2010, 07:09:28 AM »

Yay! Thank you! :D
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“So many bloody thieves about this place. It’s a wonder anyone’s got stuff for people to steal at all…”
Deklitch Hardin
Truth Seeker
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #25 on: November 30, 2010, 08:27:46 AM »

Geoffrey,

I'm not sure if I've welcomed you to Santharia or not, but if not, allow me to do so now ... welcome. If I have, I'm sure you don't mind being welcomed again!

I must say that I agree with Malexia about your CD ... it is nicely written, your strengths and weaknesses appear balanced to me, the history section shows you have studied the Santharian compendium and I love the creative touches you have put through it.

I'm happy to give you a first approval!

Congratulations and thank you for your patience with the process.

Dek
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Leif Terskun
Golden Wordsmith
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Human, Avennorian


« Reply #26 on: November 30, 2010, 04:42:50 PM »

Congrats!
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Words convey knowledge; knowledge is power; thus power lies in words
Leif Terskun
Alexandre Scriabin
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Human, Erpheronian/ Rhulran


« Reply #27 on: December 01, 2010, 10:55:42 AM »

I've been observing your work here for a little while now, and I just gave it a final once over about five minutes ago. First, I took a look at your personality section, and didn't end up wanting anything more from it, because I could very well know what to expect from your character during role play (it was a succinct personality section). And second, I was struck by how well your history, personality, and S's and W's meshed together, and would like to commend you for that.

So, in between an illustrious group of bunnies:

 Pet Pet Pet Is your second approvalPet Pet Pet
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Alexandre Scriabin CD
Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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High Elf, Kaýrrhem


« Reply #28 on: December 01, 2010, 11:37:05 AM »

Go ahead and remove the colour and we can title and archive!

Congratulations!
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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
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Geoffrey Cracker
Jack-of-all-Trades
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Gender: Male
Posts: 28

Human, Serphelorian/ Korweynite


« Reply #29 on: December 02, 2010, 06:12:43 AM »

YAY! Victory is mine! *victory dance*
Ahem. Thanks very much, for everything guys! :D I'll go and do that right now :)
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