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Author Topic: Malavon Despana  (Read 14224 times)
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Darien Gulath
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« Reply #30 on: April 01, 2006, 09:46:23 AM »

maybe i'm just nitpicky :p  from my part the cd-mods can give you approval now (even without integrating more info on the assassins).

    Death:
A punishment to some, to some a gift, and to many a favor.  
    --Seneca

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so orril miesefer
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« Reply #31 on: April 01, 2006, 01:29:23 PM »

Quote:
Edgar -"Well sir , you see I am a travelling bard and your name is whispered in every town as the man who the wizards fear , the man that has killed more than a dozen mages , so I thought to get your history , it would make a magnificent ballad , of course I would pay for your time !"


Change that, maybe is my pc, but it still makes him to be in danger. :thumbup  

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In this world the only thing that is always true is that everything changes, moves and tears apart, to latter return in a neverending dance inspired in the movement of wind. ~ So Orril Miés'éfer, Sky Tower Apprentice
Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #32 on: April 06, 2006, 05:55:23 AM »

So sad....*sniff sniff* Looks to me, but of course I didn't read it all that throughly.  

Shall I end this haunting nightmare for you?

Visit the world of Ardua

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Malavon Despana
Wizard's Bane
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« Reply #33 on: April 07, 2006, 05:37:23 AM »

Well , i do think its done , now i wait for the approval
( hopefully);)

I thank all the people that commented my cd , all of them, for they helped greatly.

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Ill give you a moment to comfort each others before I end your pathetic lives !!

Malavon The Mage Killer
Kareesh Valendar
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« Reply #34 on: April 07, 2006, 04:20:23 PM »

I'll read it over and see if I can find anything. Have to do that tomorrow, because I should be in bed. Magic isn't really my strong point, so I know I won't be of much use there. Hopefully you'll get titled soon. ^^

Shall I end this haunting nightmare for you?

Visit the world of Ardua

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Marvin Cerambit
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« Reply #35 on: April 07, 2006, 07:20:23 PM »

How did you parents meet? Having a Hecrani father and Sanhorrhim mother is rare.

Why is he called Malevolant? Considering malevolent is an existing word.

Quote:
and knowing that I was next, I ran into the town leaving the surprised wizard behind before he had the time to conjure another .

If he’s a powerful wizard (or fire mage in this case) then it will take only seconds to create a fireball.

Quote:
When my training was over , Rugal the assassins guild master, called me , saying that he wanted me to became his successor

Why did he want him to become his successor? Aren’t there more skilled/experience/‘elder’/… candidates?

Why did the guild (probably best to just call an underground organization as a ‘guild’ is normally a legal organization) banish him first and then send someone after him?

Quote:
So you see , the stories how i killed more than a dozen magi , isn't nothing more that tales or rumors, making my nickname of "Wizards Bane" a underrated one .

Where did the rumours come from?

Quote:
Zaroc as his creator calls it, this Short Sword, its Malevovant most prized possession.

As his owner calls it?

Also mage that are duelling are very rare. Nearly all mages are scholarly people and not fighters. With a very low number of mages wandering around (Ximax being an exception) it isn’t very likely two of them would combat each other.

Quote:
Using the immense wealth of Marcus, the two hired two of the best dwarven smiths to create it.

I would say two of the best smiths. Dwarves are rather secluded and only few of them ever wander above the ground.

Quote:
He dresses in black; using light armour so he can move more quickly in his "missions".

What kind of armour? I suppose leather.

Lastly, I don’t see how he could have made many enemies amongst the mages. If it’s all but rumours then he’ll probably won’t be more then a story.

Generally well done. All of above should be small changes. If you can, spell check and there shouldn’t be any spaces between a word and a comma or point if they follow the word.

Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

Need help with your new Character?
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Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

Need help with your new Character?
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Malavon Despana
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Maelf , Helcrani Sanhorrhim


« Reply #36 on: April 09, 2006, 10:23:23 AM »

Ok accordingly to Marvin sugestion i made some changes to my Cd , i do hope they are fine , of course i await for any comments on it .

The changes are in red.

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Ill give you a moment to comfort each others before I end your pathetic lives !!

Malavon The Mage Killer
so orril miesefer
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« Reply #37 on: April 10, 2006, 12:58:23 PM »

Hey, Good luck, I think you're ready for a title, just answer me a question:

Why the leader of the guild let you go? If I were an assassin leader, and trained someone during twenty years for be my sucesor, and he declines, surely I would kill him. *picks out a knife* So tell me a good reason for the Godfather don't kill you.

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In this world the only thing that is always true is that everything changes, moves and tears apart, to latter return in a neverending dance inspired in the movement of wind. ~ So Orril Miés'éfer, Sky Tower Apprentice
Marvin Cerambit
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« Reply #38 on: April 10, 2006, 08:28:23 PM »

Quote:
How did you parents meet? Having a Hecrani father and Sanhorrhim mother is rare.

It's probably best to just call an underground organization as a ‘guild’ is normally a legal organization.

You didn't answer or change these two things. Not that you have to change everything we say, but if you choose not to it's nice to know why :)  

Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

Need help with your new Character?
~> Click Here <~

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Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

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Malavon Despana
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« Reply #39 on: April 12, 2006, 02:46:23 AM »

Aye Marvin thx for pointing that out , i knew i forgot something:) , i made the changes and they are red as before.

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Ill give you a moment to comfort each others before I end your pathetic lives !!

Malavon The Mage Killer
Marvin Cerambit
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« Reply #40 on: April 12, 2006, 02:42:23 AM »

Quote:
Conclusion:

...

Malevolant -"You are from the guild? "

He nods yes with the head.

Malevolant -"The guild must be having bad times for letting someone like you in, well kid you may go.”

There are some guilds you missed. Since that's all I saw you've got yourself an approval *stamps a plus on the thread*

Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

Need help with your new Character?
~> Click Here <~

Edited by: Marvin Cerambit  at: 4/11/06 18:42
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Marvin Cerambit ~ Do not tease my Warg, because you are crunchy and tasteful

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Malavon Despana
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Maelf , Helcrani Sanhorrhim


« Reply #41 on: April 12, 2006, 04:40:23 AM »

Thx Marvin , i will change the "guilds" i missed .
i now await for the second approval.

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Ill give you a moment to comfort each others before I end your pathetic lives !!

Malavon The Mage Killer
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« Reply #42 on: April 12, 2006, 07:29:23 AM »

Well done Malavon! I have read over your CD again and see nothing wrong with what you have. I second Marv's motion for approval and now turn things over for an admin. to title you.:thumbup  

•´¯¨˜°º°†he §pe££ ƒe££ Üpon the Çrowd £ike a Ðragon, ancien† and ƒu££ oƒ dea†h.°º°˜¨¯`•
.·´`·.The School of Fire Magic.·´`·.

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•º•The spell fell upon the crowd like a dragon, •º•
•º•ancient and full of death.•º•
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Kalína Dalá'isyrás
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« Reply #43 on: April 12, 2006, 07:36:23 AM »

And titled

Please post here to test your title then you may be on your merry way

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Insanity is only a perception made by those who have yet to attain its greatness. While those of us who have already stepped inside its bounds find bliss in our utter madness.
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Malavon Despana
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Maelf , Helcrani Sanhorrhim


« Reply #44 on: April 12, 2006, 08:14:23 AM »

Aye i think it works .

My sincere thx to all people for all the patience that have in commenting my cd , i know it wasnt easy ( It was a bit long ):)  

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Ill give you a moment to comfort each others before I end your pathetic lives !!

Malavon The Mage Killer
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