Malavon Despana

Hello Malavon, first and foremost, welcome to Santharia! You have a wonderfully written CD here, so this shouldn't be too hard. My comments shall be in the ever ugly color of: Orange

Name: Malavon Despana (Now calls himself Malevolant)
Age: 45 <--I know very little about the lifespan of a half-elf so I am unsure here. But if it is equal to a humans I see nothing wrong with his level of skills.
Gender: male
Height: 1 ped, 9 handspans
Race: Maelf
Tribe: Helcrani/Sanhorrhim
Occupation: Mercenary
Title: Wizards Bane

Introduction:

It was a dark night, in a tavern of shady reputation, a man entered, his looks Cleary<--clearly differed from the clientele that normally hangs there, with a beautiful suit made of bright red silk.
With an arrogant look he went to the bartender and asked:

-" Good night (looking up and down at the man with an ironic smile) "sir" would you have the kindness of indicating where I can find a man by the name of Malevolant, I was supposed to met him here? "

-"Malevolant ? Aye he be there in the corner ".

-"Most obliged, kind sir.”

As he walked to the corner, there was a man seated, he was entirely dressed in black and his face was hidden in the shadow.
He then asked:

Edgar -"Excuse me, might you be the man people call Malevolant ?"
His face came a bit to light and with a smile showing a perfect set of white teeth the man responded with a husky voice:

Malevolant -"Who wants to know?”

The question was made in a normal tone and despite of his smile the elegant gentleman couldn’t stop to feel a chill down his spine.

Edgar -"My name is Edgar Belmont, I was told by a mister Alexander Maine that I could find him here that is Malevolant."

Malevolant -"Alex? He always had a big mouth, well I am Malevolant, and what do you want from me?”

Edgar -"Well sir , you see I am a travelling bard and your name is whispered in every town as the man who the wizards fear , the man that has killed more than a dozen mages , so I thought to get your history , it would make a magnificent ballad , of course I would pay for your time !"<---One long sentence but that is only a grammatical error.

Malevolant -"You think, do you?" What the hell, since I am in a good mood, I will tell how I became a Wizards Slayer"

History:

I was born form a hecrani father and Sanhorrhim mother who died giving birth to yours truly, so i was raised by my father who was a personal guard of a powerful wizard, one day while travelling the wizard was victim of an ambush, while he was unhurt in the ensueing battle, my father was not so lucky, he died.
I was 8 years old at the time.

Since i<---I was an orphan the wizard, Xarhaz, that was his name, adopted me.
Little did i know and i think that my father didn’t know either , since he was a man of strong morals and honour , that Xarhaz was a cruel man , and took special pleasure from making my life a living hell .

I didn’t run for only one reason, Amelia.
Like me she was adopted, and we soon we became friends.
More than once she stopped Xarhaz from punishing me from something or another, somehow she was the only person that could calm the wizard, a thing that I could only understood a few years later.<--- Another VERY long sentence.

Where was I? Ah yes...
So years passed, more precisely 10 years, and a boy became a man and Amelia ... well, what used to be a clumsy little girl with pigtails, transformed into a gorgeous Blonde Girl with bright blue eyes.<--- Another VERY long sentence.

The friendship that existed between us became stronger, it became love...
For a few months I was happy, for once in this wretched life, I knew what was to be alive, until the day Xarhaz discovered our youthful romance, he became possesed, and while we were at the house garden, he appeared and spoke to us:<--- Another VERY long sentence.

-" You stupid girl, I took you in my house, I raised you and this is how you repay me? By falling in love in love with this... trash?”
And then Amelia, my sweet Amelia spoke:

-"You don’t rule me!!. I am thankful for what you did, but I am a woman now and I chose who I want to be!"

- " No Amelia, I do have right to say what you should do, I am your father!

Those words, I never forget what they did to Amelia, she became mortified, asking:

-"But how? That’s..."

-"Impossible? No child , you are my daughter , the man that raised you until you were 5 years old wasn’t your father , and your mother a brothel woman that I slept one night , may that stupid wench burn in hell , kept from me that I had a daughter, but I did found out and then I killed them both !!<--- Another VERY long sentence.

-"No!! How could you?”

-"Why I did it? You really think that I took you in for the kindness of my heart?
No , despite of your mother origins somewhat repulses me , you are still my flesh and blood , my heir , so I raised in the hope that someday you would learn magic and become a powerful wizard like me .<--- Another VERY long sentence. But no , you had to love him , son of the man I despised most in this earth, with such honour and kindness , that made me sick of my stomach every time he spoke to me and one day I killed him !!<--- Another VERY long sentence.

Then it was my time to be stunned of what I just heared, until now I never taught about it, but it was true that my father died in mysterious circumstances, Xarhaz spoke again:<--- Another VERY long sentence.

-"And since his death didn’t give me the pleasure that I taught, what better to get it that to raise his son and make his life a tortured one , but enough talk , now get out of the way or you will die with him !!<--- Another VERY long sentence.

-"No let him live, I beg you!!”

-"So be it , you will die with him !! "

Xarhaz began to conjure a immense fireball ,having seen him using the fireball spell many she knew that would take him some time to form it , and so we ran, however she twisted her ankle , not being possible to move.<--- Another VERY long sentence. i tried to pick her up but Amelia just kissed and hugged me giving her back to the mad mage.

For my sorrow, since I would preferred to die a 100 times that to watch what Amelia did, she refused to let me go knowing that the only way for me to survive was to sacrifice herself and so the fireball hit her , she received most of the impact, dying instantly, and knowing that I was next, I ran into the town leaving the surprised wizard behind before he had the time to conjure another .<--- Another VERY long sentence.

I didn’t get very far , because of my injuries , despite of Amelia had taken the worse of the fireball several parts of my body were injured , more severely my left hand , that’s why I use now a glove to conceal it , it seems more a piece of charcoal than a member ...<--- Another VERY long sentence.

But I am drifting from what’s important , returning to the story, like I said I didn’t get far , because I fainted due to my injuries.
When I woke up I was in a bed, and I feared the worse, that Xarhaz caught me, but no, lady luck smiled at me that moment, I was saved by a group of assassins that were going to attack Xarhaz, their leader made me a preposition impossible to refuse, to train me as an assassin so some day I could get my revenge, and so my training began.<--- Another VERY long sentence.

I trained with the others , but unlike them , who were there for money or some ulterior motive , I was for personal reasons , and so I trained harder than anyone , learning what the masters had to teach , it took me 20 years but finally I surpassed the masters , I became a master assassin.<--- Another VERY long sentence.

When my training was over , Rugal the assassins guild master, called me , saying that he wanted me to became his successor , now you can imagine his surprise when I told that I wanted nothing to do with the guild , that my only targets were going to be Xanhaz , and depending of my mood any evil person, he felt betrayed , he taught that I had trained this years to became worthy of the position , and so he banished me making me a marked man to the assassins , a betrayer .<--- Another VERY long sentence.

The first victim of Zaroc, that be my sword here, was Xanhaz, he was then a weak man,and even so i studied for months its weakness , its habits for an oportunity to atack, having gotten my revenge, I felt the need to cleanse the world of evil, and in this 2 years that passed i have put my skills in the name of good (As long i get paid) .<--- Another VERY long sentence.
Whisper:To say the truth i really only killed one wizard , i am good but not that good!

So you see , the stories how i killed more than a dozen magi , isn't nothing more that tales or rumors, making my nickname of "Wizards Bane" a underrated one .

Conclusion:

Malevolant -"And so that’s my story.”

Edgar -"I must say that’s quite a story you have”

Malevolant -" Yes I know, but leaving the pleasantries aside who hired you?”

Edgar -"I beg your pardon?"

Malovant continued to smile, but now wasn’t humorous at all, it was a dangerous one, he asked again:

Malevolant -"Come on don’t waste my time, as soon as you enter the tavern I knew who you are, now answer me or you will get a new smile in your belly.”

Edgar -"Ok, ok I wasn’t sent here by anyone, I just taught I could earn myself some fame if I could kill you.”

Malevolant -"You are from the guild? "

He nods yes with the head.

Malevolant -"The guild must be having bad times for letting someone like you in, well kid you may go.”

Edgar -"Are you letting me go? Why?"

Malevolant - "Like I told you today I am in a good mood, now go before I regret.”

Edgar -"One last question, why did you told me your story?"
"If you knew why I was here, what for telling me it?"

Malevolant -So you see that you have a choice, you seem to be from good families, this is not live for anyone, I was forced into this and you re wondering if having my revenge got me some comfort?
The answer is no , but once one kills the first time its almost impossible not to repeat it , I know that you haven’t killed anyone kid , so trust me when I say you should find other thing to do, now get the hell<--- There is no heaven or hell on Santharia so any mention of this word should be changed to something more fitting. out of here "

The boy left, soon after Malevolant with a sad smile finished his drink, and walked out the tavern vanishing in the night, alone as he should be.

Appearance:

Thin, with sinuous muscles, he is quite tall due to his helcrani traits.

From his mother was gifted with hair so blonde that during day light seems white , his tired yet kind eyes denotes a wisdom and pain that goes well beyond his age . They are green, elfish<--- Elfish is probably not a shade of green, try words like emerald, jade or something more defining as this word does not really fit here. green.

His body has several fire burns due to his experience with Xarhaz, being most visible (In the few times he took off the glove) his burned left hand , he only has one tattoo , its on his right arm in golden letters , its written "Amelia", in memory of his only true love.

Behaviour:

Carefree, it’s the best way to describe Malevolant .
He can be very charismatic, especially around women, yet he doesn’t take any advantage of his good looks, for he has sworn never to love another woman than Amelia.
Most of the time he has a humorous smile on his face , but when he gets angry or feels in danger , the smile becomes more of a grin , showing his white teeth like a wolf.

Items:

-Zaroc as his creator calls it, this Short Sword, its Malevovant most prized possession.
In the years that he trained in the assassin’s guild, he befriended a wealthy merchant Marcus, whose son had been killed in a wizard’s duel, so his hate for wizards was well known.
Malevolant told his story to Marcus, who immediately liked the boy reminding of his son.
Using the immense wealth of Marcus, the two hired two of the best dwarven smiths to create it.

The smiths worked day and night for months and Zaroc was finally done.
The Short Sword is entirely of black iron including the hilt, engraved in the blade is the name of the weapon .
Dispite of not having any sort of magic or enchantement , it is very light and due of being all dark , it makes a perfect weapon for an assassin.

-A set of well made throwing knifes (If the target is distracted, there is no need to come closer, is there?)

-He dresses in black; using light armour so he can move more quickly in his "missions".

Strengths:

-Great speed and agility <-- Giving a couple examples of his speed or his agility would help define these attributes alot. Nothing real big, just a sentence or two would go along way here.

-Train of Assassin, he has trained hard in the way of the shadows, he has learned well, and he is capable of hide or "vanish"<-- You don't mean "vanish" literally, I hope? in the shadows with extreme ease.

-Skilled swordsmen, relying in speed and agility than strength he can be very deadly in one on one combat <-- Is he deadly verse a well armored knight or maybe just a skilled fighter? Stating what type of opponent he could face would define how GOOD he actually is with his blade. Masterful, trained, skilled and such are wonderful words to describe how good a person is with a blade.

Weaknesses:

-Marked man, he has been marked as traitor by the assassins guild and has made many enemies amongst the wizards, he lives a live of constant danger, never staying much in the same place for his as well for others around him safety.

-Alcoholic,when not in mission he tends to drown his sorrow(Mainly thinking of Amelia) in drinks.

-Afraid of fire, he lost his loved one in the fire and several parts of his body still hurts terribly and has nightmares since that day , reminding him how destructive fire can be.

-Cynical and ironic, Malevolant can be sometimes say the wrong thing in the wrong moment and some people don’t like that, often resulting in a brawl.

-His left hand can sometimes give such excruciating pain , that often takes him to a brink of colapsing .

-Suffers from Osteogenesis Imperfecta,<-- You probably can't state a specific disease that is wrong with him but you can describe it's effects on him. or weak bones disease as is commonly known , while this does not hinder his speed and agility , he can´t take any serious blows or risks having an instant broken bone in combat <-- To even know he has this probably means it has happened in the past. Maybe some bones that ache him from past wounds would help out here for a weakness.

Well that is all I can see as your unique way of writing this character leaves little else to fault IMHO. I hope my comments aid you in getting your title soon and feel free to ask questions here. Since you seem very close to approval and I do like the character very much I shall return frequently.

~Bows gracefully and departs~

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Edited by: Twen Araerwen at: 3/28/06 10:47