Ambroise Cheligreuus/ Korweynite & Murmillion/ Guard-Mercenary

[Ambroise Cheligreuus]

It does answer my question Cár'scál, thank you!

Sure, if you would like to take the time to look over my CD feel free.  I am sure your expertise in literary matters will do it a world of good.

[Deklitch Hardin]

oh yes, thanks for that Cár'scál, greatly appreciated.

[Cár'scál Sae'llán]

No problem at all gentleman, glad it helped. If I find time I'll be sure to look over your CD once I've read through some of the racial information.

[Alexandre Scriabin]

Okay my friend, I don't want to have to be the academic writing police here, but I think you are going to have to work on the grammar and spelling in this CD. I got as far into it as the overview, and no offense but it struck me that we need to go over things like grammar and spelling:

Born as a result of rape, Ambroise has had to fight for his place in society. Being a mixture of two tribes that are warring has built within him endurance and determination he might not have otherwise possessed. At a relatively young age Ambroise joined the Imperial guard where he demonstrated his worth as a fighter and as part of a team. While searching for members of the Imperial family he experienced severe scarring from a flammable liquid and has forced to leave the position he so love. After rigorous training to overcome his new limitations he become a bodyguard. Ambroise killed the man he was to protect while working in his new career. He has fled to a new cotenant and a new life.

Maybe you haven't been told this before on this site, but I guess that's because I didn't find much of anything egregious in your last CD and in your RP posting. If English isn't your first language, then I especially hope that you won't take this too hard. Still, there is at least some untenable grammar and spelling in your overview (such as "cotenant" and "he so love"), while I didn't proofread the rest of your CD academically, and I think it's best we go over this subject and have you take a look at the rest of your CD in order to work on the grammar and spelling, before going on.

"While searching for members of the Imperial family he experienced severe scarring from a flammable liquid and has forced to leave the position he so love."

With stuff like this, it is as simple as going back and turning "has" to "was" and "love" to "loved." Try running the spell check on your CD, so that we don't get confused by stuff like this (the misspelling of "loved"), and so that the flow of your work isn't disrupted, try going back over your work and fixing grammar typos like the "has."

[Ambroise Cheligreuus]

Ok Alexandre

Thanks for pointing these things out.  I have changed the Message Icon to the pencil and will begin working on this.  Don't think even my English professor in college mentioned I had problems with this but I will address it as thoroughly as I can. Probably a problem in my in character posts as well I will need to pay attention to.

[Ambroise Cheligreuus]

Ok changes have been made.  These are marked in teal  New bits have been marked in blue.

[Alexandre Scriabin]

First, my eye picked out that you probably backspaced out the [ sign when you went to color your physical appearance as teal.

Second, I see that he is a personal bodyguard for his family or a specific family member? That raises some gray areas that you need to work out in your history:

1. Why does his family or family member need a bodyguard?
2. Who is he body-guarding?

If his family or a specific family member is affluent, you may need to spell that our early on in your history, and definitely later on when you say that he became a bodyguard.

Now from the first paragraph of your personality section:

"He feels trapped in a since between good and evil."

What is "since" supposed to mean there? I'm honestly at a loss as to what you're trying to say, so I can't just graze over it and accept it as a minor typo.

A note on your blind fighting strength:

You seem to miss the other implications of relying on your other senses. Is he a better tracker, able to hear and smell emotions, or possibly does his sense of touch allow him to have a reflexive response to things that haven't come in contact with him yet? (The last implication is actually real, and it's what we call today "internal geometry") There are a lot of possibilities here.

As for monocular vision, if I'm getting you right:

You mean that although he can take preemptive action quite well, if an adversary takes advantage of his poor sight and makes a sudden advance on him, his depth perception may fail him? I'd maybe like to see spell out, more clearly, how this weakness affects him in a fight. Also, I'd like you to spell out the weakness' other applications, because S's and W's here aren't all that fight oriented.

From the pain section:

Why does a warrior feel the need to obtain creams, oils, and makeup to cover up his trouble areas and alleviate pain? Surely a little left over burn and itch isn't troubling a seasoned vet and fugitive.

What else I would say about your S's and W's is that they seem balanced enough for me, because the language barrier tipped it beyond the point where I feel that myself or someone should point out that your character is overpowered/unrealistic (that is, santharian unrealistic, hehe).

And last of all my comments, is that you've listed his weapons and their descriptions, but you haven't listed his other belongings.

[Deklitch Hardin]

"He feels trapped in a since between good and evil."

maybe he means 'sense' there?

I agree with everything said by Alexandre

[Twén Aråerwén]

Just a minor side-note beyond what Mr Scribbles has mentioned. You have Murmillion spelled 'Mirmillian' under your Tribe listing. 

[Ambroise Cheligreuus]

Wow I ask for assistance and I receive an abundance!

Thanks  Alexandre I will get right on these changes.  (I am placing the pencil back up again... lol will it ever end!)

It seem I have made some assumptions that you, Alexandre have pointed out.  Yes I misspelled 'sense',  got me again lol.

I should make his position that of a guard, rather than a body guard.  Once again I have not spelled out exactly why they need one though the implication is there from what happened earlier to them in the history.  This is the same family that had been taken by the orc.  I will be addressing this as well.  Really did not want to say exactly why they had been taken prisoner but it appear that should be addressed as well.

Yes I have not explained my blind fighting ability well though you have nailed it right on the head with the internal geometry.  I will be writing more on that to make it clear.

Again, yes monocular vision needs work as well.  You make a great point that when it was suggested earlier that I only had things for fighting and needed to broaden my explanation to how it impacts him I seem to have taken out too much on his fighting weaknesses.  This will be fixed as well.

Thanks Deklitch for clarifying the conundrum of my misspelling.  I really need to watch those words that sound the same but are not spelled the same.

Oh and Twén, thanks for pointing on the tribal name misspelling.  I caught two others of the same tribe with even a different spelling... why this happens for me I am not sure.  Typically I copy and paste   these types of things. Being Dyslexic I make all sorts of errors on transposing if I just try looking at it.


So overall it need a lot of work.  I will get on it as time permits.

Thanks so much for all your excellent help!

[Ambroise Cheligreuus]

Ok I think i made all the recommended changes.  Open once more for your kindly and insightful advice.  

Oh most recent changes in tan.  

[Deklitch Hardin]

Hi Ambroise,

Firstly, thank you for your patience with us ... 10 days is an incredibly long time to have to wait, especially when you've been so cooperative through this entire process.

Secondly, I'm very pleased to be able to give you a First Approval on this most interesting CD. Congratulations!

Dek

[Ambroise Cheligreuus]

Wow thanks Dek!

[Malexia Vendu]

Second Approval! 

[Deklitch Hardin]

Congratulations Ambroise! If you can please remove your editing colours, I'll see about getting it titled and archived for you.

Dek

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