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Author Topic: Thortar/Boltgrumms/Hunter  (Read 11697 times)
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Alýr (Rayne)
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« Reply #15 on: January 06, 2012, 07:36:10 AM »

It looks good to me, but the misspellings make some of the history hard to read. Maybe you might go back through and do a bit of proofing?
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Tak
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Gnome, Golgnome


« Reply #16 on: May 05, 2012, 12:53:12 AM »

Bumping this back up for you
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"There’s Nothing Worth Doing That Isn’t Worth Overdoing" - Tak "The Magnificent"
Thortar
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Boltgrumms


« Reply #17 on: May 21, 2012, 05:49:02 AM »

hey so i think im finished guys, just would like to hear your opinions. :)
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Thorgas Ironforge
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« Reply #18 on: May 28, 2012, 02:11:54 AM »

Greetings Thortar, and welcome to the Dream.

I did not see the part in your history about The Choosing. This is normally done when a male dwarf wants to court and marry a female. While not as important as the Baregozar and the Wirrutharoon, most male dwarves will willingly undergo this personal test, since there aren't a lot of female dwarves being born and competition can be fierce. You can choose not to undergo The Choosing, but it would be nice if you tell us why in your history.

Your CD is ready for approval, if not for some misspelled words and errors in grammar. For example, you used 'where' instead of 'wear' and 'adapt' instead of 'adept'. Some Santharian terms were also misspelled, like Wirrutharoon. We are, however, told not to be picky when it comes to these kinds of things, so you should be titled pretty soon.

Have a nice day.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2012, 02:20:52 AM by Thorgas Ironforge » Logged

A weak mind is a deadly foe.
Thorgas Ironforge
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Leif Terskun
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« Reply #19 on: May 28, 2012, 06:54:48 AM »

Hey Thortar! Looking like a good CD, but there are a fair few errors of spelling and grammar that make reading it fairly tricky. People like your posts to be grammatically correct to the point where understanding is not impeded, and your CD is the best place to start, so I’m going to go through and give you a hand. Please don’t be discouraged. I’ve gone fairly deep.

I’m sorry if any of it sounds terse. I’ve been brief at some points, where they're simple changes, and it may come across as brusque - I hope it doesn't, because that's really not how it's meant.

I’ll use orange for my comments, explanations and suggestions, and red to mark necessary changes. If you’ve been on the Dev. side, you’ll be used to the Uri-check, I hope.


Name: Thortar

Gender: Male

Occupation: Earth Guide by choice, hunter out of necessity.

Tribe: Boltgrumms

Age:  98

Born: 1568

Title: Beast keeper

Race: Dwarves

Height: 1.2 peds

Weight: 2 pygges

Hair: Shaven with Jet Black beard Try not to capitalise words in the middle of sentences for no reason.

Skin: Pale and weathered

Eyes: Stone Gray

Overview:  
   Thortar is a stern solitary dwarf, thatwho you wouldn’t use ‘that’ of a person when found will offer his services as an Earth Guide, for the right fee. Spending most of his time alone with his pet in the wilderness he has developed, from youth, an ability for hunting. He is sturdy and muscular but due to years spent living rough in the wilderness and exposure to the elements he has  developed a knowing and weathered face, that offers comfort and reassurance to those with him but instils fear in those against him.

Appearance:
   Thortar is Shaven random capital, at least on the top of his head he is. He has black hair forming a beard that covers up most of his face so,No comma here. If anywhere, before “so”.his deep set grey eyes are often the only thing that betrays any emotion. His right eye has a scar go right through it so to stop questions he wears an eye patch. Not caring for cleanliness he is often dirty, his hair is matted and unkempt however his beard is cared for greatly, his Beard is jet black and the only part of his appearance he cares about, this is due to its importance as a symbol of pride and strength.This last sentence is long, has too many commas, and has lost its way. Break it down a little and you’ll avoid repeating yourself as well. I’d advocate something like this: “Not caring for cleanliness, he is often dirty and his hair is matted and unkempt. However, his jet black beard is very well cared for; due to its importance as a symbol of pride and strength, it is the only part of his appearance that he truly cares about.”  EitherEach side of the beard is braidedthe easiest way to make this work is to put a comma here with copper rings keeping each braid in place. As for the rest of the rest of the beard, it is cared for by Thortar almost religiously every morning. He has thick bushy eyebrows  the same colour as his beard and hair. His face is rough in appearance and ravaged by time and the elements. The years of hard work and living off the land show, he has a weathered  and tough face often showing little emotion unless at extremes. I’d suggest “...land show; his weathered and tough face shows little emotion except when it is extreme” or something like that.. Though similar in appearance to humans he is significantly smaller. He has clear musculature and is very fit and healthy due to the permanent wanderings in the wild.
When asked about his cleaning habits he often brushes it aside with a quick comment about how he has better things to do.
Clothes:
Thortar does not care about what he does to his clothes so they are very dirty and often smell. In warmer weather Thortar wears a small and thin cloak dyed red and made entirely  on his own from one of the many creatures killed and skinned by himself“from one of the many creatures he has killed and skinned”?. His right eye was injured in an accident  as a boy so on the odd occasion he wears a black eye patch over the eye. He wears rough leather reinforced trousers that look like they’re the only ones he has ever worn, covered in never removed mud and grime. On the odd occasion you might even notice specks of blood from previous encounters.  He also wears a sleeveless leather chest plate, which used to bare bear  the emblem of his tribe, the Boltgrumms, however over the years it has worn off. To most dwarfs this would be an issueI’d say a semicolon here, thus: “...issue; Thortar...” Thortar does not overly mind, and intends on possibly reinstating it, but only when he has the time. On both his wrists he wears leather bands for decoration and tough leather studded boots for grip in all conditions. These boots were crafted back in his home by an old friend in practice for their Wirrutharoon and hold great sentimental value as well as practically“practical”. Match an adjective to an adjective - “practical(ly)” is  modifying “value” like “sentimental”, so it needs to be an adjective like “sentimental”..
In the coldest of weather Thortar wears a thick hooded, fur lined, ground length cloak over the top of an old and worn thin blue jacket. The jacket was initially purchased some years back and consequently choseshows a some signs of  strain when worn with the buttons done up. Thortar claims he keeps it for simply sentimental reasons, and whilst,stray comma this is somewhat true the main reason is that he is too cheap to buy a new one. Thortar will also wear thick woollen glovesremove comma,. Whilst the dwarf is predominantly a frugal dwarf, he seems to believe that he requires good gloves  more than anything else and this results in him purchasing a new pair of gloves reasonably frequently. This is not simply out of a desire for new items, but  also out of a certain level of necessity. Due to his trade, he must use his hands a lot.
In warmer weather, when his jacket and cloak aren’t in use there should, properly, be a comma in here, but it’s not too vital the jacket is rolled up for storage in the cloak and strapped onto his backpack.


Accessories:
   Thortar carries an awful lot, from his weapons to his bags. The tools he carries are essential for his trade as a guide, as well as hunting and leatherworking.

Weapons & Tools:
   Tools:
•   Bone Saw, used to separate meat from bones.
•   Crusher, used to prepare food.
•   Belt Knife, used to cut meat.
•   Boot Awl, used to cut thick leather.
•   Cobbler’s Knife, crescent shaped blade for cutting leather.
•   Eating Knife, used for, well eating. Used for eating wells? Eating in wells? You mean: “used for, well, eating.

Weapons:
•   Light Axe, for throwing while hunting.
•   Fang-axe, for show and intimidation as much as defence.

Bags:
•   Small Meat bag,You need either a semicolon or a new sentence. You can’t use a comma and “although” to tack the rest of this sentence on although given the name, you would assume it is simply for meat, the dwarf uses it for all manner of food. He also  has a small pouch inside in which he stores treats for his eagle rigaName => Capital letter.
•   Backpack, for carrying his tools and other items.


Personality:
   Thortar is primarily a very stubborn and solitary dwarf, however if required, or if caught in the right mood, he can be very sociable. At times. He has a very good memory, useful, if not vital in his role as an earth guide. It does however also come in useful when remembering specific locations for hunting. His memory means he rarely forgets a face or a grudge held. This combined with a short temper has led to some interesting encounters in the past.
After the years of adventuring and infrequent encounters with others he is somewhat quiet and observing. He is a trustworthy, proud and loyal dwarf, with a dry and sarcastic sense of humour.  Thortar is intelligent and has a good general knowledge.

Strengths
•   Tracking and Guiding/Good Sense of direction: As primarily an Earth guide and hunter this is one of his most important skills.
• Herbs: He can make good nourishing food out of the herbs and resources he finds on his travels in the wilderness.
•Traps: He uses these to catch his food and relies on this to provide most of his food. Due to this reliance he is now adaptadeptadapt is a verb at producing these effective traps from very little.
•   Connection with animals: After spending many years together he and his pet eagle Riga have developed a connection and through training in hand signs, whistles and other motions a certain level of commincationcommunication and mutual understanding has been reached.
• Strength: He is a strong and hardy dwarf.
• Steady hand/Good Aim: Not only does he have an uncanny ability to throw small axes incredibly accurately, it also allows him to quickly sew clothes, cut leather and other miniature tasks.
-Calm: The dwarf is unusually calm in most situations and stress seems to have a minimal effect on him. At least that is how it appears from the outside.

Weaknesses:

•   Unsociable: Does not have a lot of contact with other people. Whilst this is somewhat out of choice it does effect on his already lacking social skills.

•   “Loner”: He does not have any friends except his pet. Meaning Your verb cannot be a participle. You either need to join these sentences or say “This means”.he must carry out most tasks on his own. Also has an effect on how people perceive him upon meeting.
•   Connection with Riga: Because of this is connection with the bird he will do nearly anything to make sure that the eagle is okprobably would want a comma in here, but it’ s not huge even risking his own life and possibly others.
•Feared: Because of his appearance he is quite often avoided or feared.
•Drinks: Thortar Drinks random capital a lot and when given the opportunity will drink simply for the purpose of getting drunk.
-Night Terrors/Insomnia: Thortar is often faced with the fear of crippling night terrors, reminders of a troubled past. This has led to the development of insomnia out of fear. He will often just sit and wait through the night, or at least until he cannot help falling asleep. Presumably this also leaves him exhausted?
Lacking in emotion: Thortar finds it hard to express emotion, the deep emotion, how he really feels and will consequently bottle it all up, along with stresses placed upon him. On those nights he stays awake, he often becomes enormously depressed after spending the time thinking about his parents, worrying about his past and what is to come. This inability to express emotions means that it is hard for him to form the strong relationship he desires.
Clumsy: Has a habit for falling over  or dropping things in ways not quite understandable by most.


Familiar:

   Thortar has a Torán eagle as a familiar. It is usually very hard to train these birds if caught when fully grown. While out on his Wirrutharoon he found the abandoned nest of a Torán eagle and decided to take the orphaned chicks and care for them as best he couldNew sentence or semicolon here given the lack of supplies he had at the time, out of the four chicks he had rescued only one survived the experience. Riga. After returning to his home after the Wirrutharoon he began attempting to train the bird or at least, have some level of control over it. Knowing that training these birds usually turned out bad he was very careful not to lose its confidence. He was carefull carefulnot to lose the trust and connection the two had gained out on his service and this mutual trust led to some altercations with the elders of his tribe.spaceIt was during this learning phase he acquired his scar and injured his eye through an accident in the mines involving the eagle Riga. Fortunately, thoughcomma here, properly by the time the bird had reached adolescence after the initial training the eagle and the dwarf were inseparable. He has learnt an awful lot along with the eagle he named Riga after his departed mother and the two have a special bond and would protect each other with their respective lives.

History:

   Thortar had a rather bad childhood,You can’t connect two main clauses with a comma. You need a conjunction or a new sentence or a semicolon. his father died young and he had to mature quickly in order to care for his mother. He was rejected or at least ignored by most dwarves his age because of his rumours about his family and his obsessive personality at the time.And these two sentences need to be joined. The “Something” makes the second one subordinate, not a main clause, and so it can’t stand as a sentence. Something that later on would be greatly valued by the elders of his tribe. Because of his difficulty forming friendships with dwarves a similar age he seekedsought friendship in the older dwarves, something else that often sparked rumours.

--History told by Thortar--

“I was born in 1568, my mother and father were both members of the boltgrummCapital letter. Also, is this name not meant to end in an ‘s’? tribe and were fairly well known. I was an only child so my parents spoilt me whenever given the chance. I would commonly escape the nursery and wander off on my own to explore but of course i would eventually be apprehended.

A word about “I”. It must be uppercase when it is used as a word. Saying ‘i’ is not really OK, and especially not in IC posts or the body of your CD. I won’t pick them all out, because a word processor should do it for you, but please do fix it.

At the age of twenty four my father died from a form of stroke, leaving my mother and Ime You’re talking about something that happened to you. “He left me”, not “He left I”. “Me” is the object pronoun, “I” the subject. on our own. From that point on our family was shunned because of hideous rumour that my father’s death was caused by my widowed mother. A rumour which, by the way is both hurtful and entirely incorrect. Although I was young at the time I know for certain my mother and father loved each other dearly and when he passed away she was heartbroken and inconsolable.
Even at that young age i knew when something hurt my mother and would always do my utmost to reassure my mother that all was as well as it could be. Even when my mother would randomly just sit down and cry.

When I hit fifty, although still young.comma, not full stop I was allowed to wander the mines and caves on my own and explore New sentenceover the past twenty or so years my mother and i had formed a special relationship,new sentence or semicolon she trusted me and i her. In my opinion our relationship was so special because of how the traditionally tight nittight-knit dwarven community we lived in had, to a certain extentcomma shunned us. We had to help each other through tough times and when i turned fifty my mother knew and trusted me enough to let me have a remarkable amount of freedom.
It was at this point I formed a fascination ’for’ or similar here - “fascination for exploring”and a fixation on exploration, learning my way through the mines, learning to read maps, learning to form routes quickly and with a good knowledge of time and distance. This when i knew i was to be an earth guide and I was pleased with what i was to become. This next not a sentence Relieved that i would find a place among my community unlike my aging mother. However it seemed to have the opposite effect, i was so obsessed with learning my gift i did not notice the vast quantities of time i spent alone exploring. I often became worryingly obsessive and this led to my falling in the social standings among dwarfs my age and become known as a loner. At this point in time I only had one close friend but even then he was not that close.  Having been required to mature so young to look after my mother, something i do not regret at all.The following sentence needs to be joined to the preceding one Meant i often sought refuge amongst elder dwarves of the tribe.

At the age seventy my only friend was a 65 year old who was in much the situation I was at his age, having his father fall ill and become bed ridden. I spent most of my time exploring the tunnels and it was at this time i stumbled across the outside world, not through the main entrances however,  but through ancient and long abandoned tunnels only i really ventured through. The open world that greeted me was fresh and intriguing. Having almost entirely learnt the local underground off by heart it was a brilliant and slightly unnerving experience to be out in a world that i knew so little about. To this day i love discovering a new place, untouched by my peoples.
Upon reaching the outside world i began learning and watching the environment around me, and would now  frequently visit instead of simply staying underground. I recall one time that i foolishly wandered too far and did not make it back to the small tunnel entrance before dark. I deciededdecided that it would be a worthwhile experience to sleep beneath the open sky. Whilst lying awake i began making things out of the branches on the ground around me, namely small wooden knives or incredibly simple wooden mechanisms such as traps consisting of a flexible branch and a tougher one combined. Anyway it does not matter, when i look back at them they were very rudimentary. However at the time it interested me and i made better and more of these tools in the days to come. I decided that i would camp out more often, my mother did not mind, she had become interested in reading, reading huge quantities, whenever i saw her she seemed to have a book in her hands. This last sentence is just a bit of a mess of clauses that needs to be disentangled. Try something like this: “I decided that I would camp out more often. My mother did not mind; she had become interested in reading, and reading huge quantities - whenever I saw her, she seemed to have a book in her hands.” You might find a preferred way, but the point is to make it grammatical. In order to survive these increasingly longer stints of camping, often a couple of days at a time, i required food. I decided upon placing some of my more recent traps out in the hope of catching some rabbit, i didThese two words would be both more emphatic and more correct if you made them into a discrete sentence. Finding these traps was never an issue, and throughout the next couple of years i spentsepnt more and more time exploring the land above ground, further alienating myself from the dwarves my age.  

When i was at the age of 87 my mother passed away in her sleep, never seeing me reach my Baregozar or Wirruthoon, something that pains me deeply. Suddenly becoming the last of my family I fell into a serious depression for some time and only my call for Baregozar pulled, no draggedcomma me out of it. In the months leading up to my mothers death she fell ill and we both knew it would be for the last time. I stayed by her side naturally and read her any book she desired. She became increasingly intrigued by the outside world and often asked for me to read books about it or tell her of my adventures. She loved me greatlycomma my mothercomma and always had trust in me. The evening she died i read her a book about a young female bard, a bard fallen in love with a man whom she could never have for he was married. In order to show each other their love they gave each other flowers, flowers that were hard to come by or  exceptionally beautiful. The book was called.comma, not full stop ‘The bardsbard’s? petal’Full stop My mother loved the idea and said it reminded her of when my father Borin gave her flowers years ago. The next morning i awoke from my sleep on a chair in my mothers room to see her lying there peacefully on her bed. I did not know at first however’but’ would be more correct than ‘however’ i soon found out she had gone.
That winter i was called forth by the Denirim for my Baregozar,I believe this sort of run together sentence you’re constructing is properly called a comma splice. Like leaving I as i, you do it a lot, and you shouldn’t. we talked about my childhood and parents.  How they had both passed away before theretheir time. We talked about my relationships with others my age and how i had been outside so often.This next does not work as a sentence. Say something like “Some liked the thought; others, however, did not.” A thought that some liked, others however did not. We talked about my desire to become an earth guide and possibly leave the tunnels after my Wirruthoon. They sent me away after that. I waited for weeks,cut the comma to hear back from them and when I did so it was with great apprehension you want a ‘that’ here, I reckon i wandered back into the cut double space room of the Denerim.
They approved and agreed with me that i must become an earth guideThis second half would be better written “...guide, but were not so sold on the idea of me leaving the tunnels.” however where not so, sold, on the idea of me leaving the tunnels. I was pleased and relieved at the decision. I remember it vividly to this day.
Following my Baregozar i had my Wirruthoon along with the other dwarves my age. The Denerim thought it a fitting and a suitable service or challenge for me, as an earth guide to be . To prove myself i  must venture You want to rephrase this by saying either “...earth guide to be, to venture out...” or “...earth guide to be, to prove myself by venturing out...” or similarout into the unknown outside world and bring back a flower, a flower from the book ‘The Bards Petal’Again, I think an apostrophe, but also you should capitalise the title the first time around if you do it here. Also, follow it with a comma. the book  that i had read to my dying mother. I liked the idea and left,Full stop, not comma This timecomma howevercomma i left through the main entrance,semicolon? wellcomma exit for me.
The first half of the trip was pretty uneventful and i made ground quickly,New sentence or semicolon i knew not where i was heading, so instead headed south, in the direction of the climate i assumed would be  a more suitable one for the flower to grow. About 18 or so days into the trip i was out checking the traps i had left the night before, in hope of finding some breakfast and if lucky some food to cook and carry with me. It wascomma i think, at the third empty trap i got to that i heard a noise, a terrible screeching ,New sentence i looked up and saw a large nest some three peds up a tree on a large branch. Thinking at first it might be an injured bird , I thought should try my best to put it of its misery. Of course, with the possible bonus of some food I think “...misery - with, of course, the possible...”. I remember i began thinking of possible ways up to the branch when i decided to go and fetch my axe in order to cut out foot and hand holds up the tree trunkremove comma,. Now this took some time, im Apostrophes are vital. “im” is not conducive to smooth reading. only short and three peds is a long way up. But i was in no rush,  i still had food supply from my last catch and i had been given easily enough time to complete my capital letterwirruthoon. Anyway i got up to the branch near evening and instead of an injured bird there were four chicks,New sentence at the time i knew not what type of bird, but i know now they were Tórantorán eagle chicks. But i digresscomma for that is neither here nor there, so back to the story.  I decided nearly immediately that i should help, I think a semicolon, a dash or a new sentence.they were clearly abandoned for there was no food in the nest and i had been working at the tree for most of the day and had seen a bird not once. So i took the chicks back to my camp and gave them food. I made an attempt at a small wooden nest shaped thing made from twigs and branches nearby. This would serve as a way of transporting them and taking them with me on my journey.
The rest of the journey continued pretty uneventfully if i am honest,New sentence or semicolon i would greatly love if i had become enveloped in some conspiracy or vast fight so i may have a story to tell. But i didn’t. I found a huge flowering plant known as Succubus Leaf.Maybe link these. The latter is not a sentence. A beautiful plant that has a short stem howeverbut”however” is not a synonym of “but” a long, tall and thin flower with incredibly vibrant colours. Join this as well. Roughly one and a half peds high. I took a few samples as i was aware that i might lose some on the way. Fortunately i kept all the flowers on the journey home, howeverbut it was a tough journey,colon food was hard and the weather took a turn for the worstworse, New sentence these two factors combined and resulted in the loseloss of three of the four birds. They had slowed me down incredibly and whilst upset to see them go i was slightly relieved there would be more food to go around.
I arrived home with two days to spare, later than i would of”would have” or “would’ve”. “Would of” or “could of” are incorrect. hoped, but for obvious reasons. After presenting the Denerim with the Succubus Leaf and explaining my adventure they felt i had proved myself as not only as an Earth guide but as an adult dwarf. Upon showing them the eagle chick i had rescued they allowed me, resentfullycomma to keep the eagle as my own.
I moved back into my old family house as a fully grown dwarf and began focusing my time on my eagle chick. I had decided to name it Riga after my mother. I felt it suited the bird. I would spend hours if not days at a time with the bird, either in large caverns or in the outside world, training the bird in flying, and attempting to train it at huntingcomma although this naturally proved somewhat harder. The rest of the time i would earn my living guiding the other dwarves or on the rare occasion an outsider. In both situations Riga would follow close behind. This continued for about a year,New sentence or semicolon when i turned ninety two Riga was nearly fully grown but still young. The bird was large and travelling through the small tunnels of home gave it no joy. It was at this time that i gained my scar. Yes you may have noticed. It was a simply enough storyIt is a story, no?, yet one i shall never forget.
Riga and i had been asked to guide two dwarves from another tribe around some of the lesser known tunnels and sights. It was after showing them to theretheir respective lodgings that i decided to go and take Riga for a fly. We went off to a quiet cavern that was traversed by a thin, single solitary bridge. This was a cavern that Riga often flew in and it was just the same as any other time we had been there until,cut comma when letting go of the bird we became entangled and without knowing Riga started to drag me to the edge of the path,I think a dash would be better here not far, a couple of palmspans, but enough for us both to realise what was truly happening and give us time to panic. I immediately tried to cut myself free, you see somehow the tassels on my shoulder that Riga sat on had become caught and tangled around the birds talons and leg. This, by the waycomma is why I now have a simple shoulder cover for Riga to sit on. As i reached up to grab and swipe at the leather tassels with my small knife, the bird dropped suddenly and i lightly grazed the bird’s leg,New sentence as an immediate reaction the bird moved its leg and accidentally sliced across my right eye and brow. This motion loosened me from our entanglement and i dropped to the ground in crippling pain. After the bird’s leg was freed it flew off into the darkness in a panic. Naturally i was worried for the bird however could do nothing to find her. I simply had to hope she would find her way back home. After losing Riga i struggled back home, finding my way with one eye was no challenge however the pain slowed me down for obvious reasons. When i reached home i attempted to crudely care tofor my eye,New sentence or semicolon i refused to leave the house for proper medical attention till Riga returned. I had to wait nearly a day and when Riga returned the bird was soaking wet, but fine. Clearly the bird had got lost in one of the great undercaverns which held a lake or waterfall of sorts, either way 1) New sentence and 2) Cut “either way”.i did not mind,Dash, new sentence or semicolon my bird was back and in good health.
My eye was left half blind and basically useless, Add an “and” here. there were some rumours spread that i would not be able to keep working as an Earth guide,New sentence howevercomma those foolish enough to believe such a thing know nothing of earth guides, for we spend large amounts of time plying our trade in pitch black and still get our job done. These rumours simply served to remind me of the days when it was just my mother and i. It brought back the memories of isolation and i felt the same again. Why was i still there? ThereAs in, you probably want to end the question after the first “there” was nothing for me. I decided to leave,New sentence i wanted to get that rush of  learning new routescomma exploring new land and guiding people through unknown places and still getting them there. That was why i had become an Earth guide. And so i went and consulted with the Denerim,New sentence or semicolon i explained how i felt and i think they appreciated that there was no way they could persuade me to stay New sentence or semicolon and so at the age of 93 i left the Boltgrumms. It was a sad time but i was leaving to do what i love to do.
And now you find me as i am, 98comma still with Rigacomma and doing what i was born to do.
Now it was nice to reminisce, but if that’s all i have a beer to finish.”

Remember “I” and “i”; I didn’t mention them constantly, but they’re there. I know that’s a lot, but a lot of it is the same few things. If you fixed those, your writing would improve dramatically.

Good luck! It is looking good.
« Last Edit: May 29, 2012, 12:09:25 AM by Leif Terskun » Logged

Words convey knowledge; knowledge is power; thus power lies in words
Leif Terskun
Thortar
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Posts: 26


Boltgrumms


« Reply #20 on: June 17, 2012, 03:10:47 AM »

thankyou very much, that was very usefull. i have done all you recomended and uploaded the new version :) id like to hear your opinions
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Malexia Vendu
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #21 on: July 12, 2012, 12:05:48 AM »

Still working this?

Everything looks ok, just maybe separate those paragraphs in the history so its not a huge block of text.  buck
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Thortar
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Boltgrumms


« Reply #22 on: July 19, 2012, 06:15:38 AM »

ok thankyou , just done it. hopefully i can get approved now  :)
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Thorgas Ironforge
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« Reply #23 on: July 19, 2012, 08:35:40 PM »

Greetings Thortar, and welcome to the Dream.

I have notified the CD mods about your CD and you should get titled very soon.

Have a nice day.
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Boltgrumms


« Reply #24 on: July 19, 2012, 09:18:23 PM »

ah wonderfull, thankyou very much :)
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Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #25 on: July 20, 2012, 01:47:18 AM »

A dwarf with an eagle familiar seems very odd. Dwarves dwell underground, and are at home under the earth in caves and mountains. Eagles need open air to fly, hunt and nest. They cannot do that in a cave. It would be like making a dog live in a tree. Dwarves rarely leave their mountain homes (as mentioned in the entries) and when they do, they often find comfort and the need to go back often. I would suggest a familiar that lives in the caves and is more appropriate for a dwarf.
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« Reply #26 on: July 20, 2012, 02:46:50 AM »

ok thankyou for the input, i understand where you are coming from however, up till now it seems to have been approved and is worked into the history quite well, i feel? i understand where you are coming from, but will my charecter not be spending a large amount of time above ground anyway? as mentioned in the cd, is this not also recquired as i shall be for example taking part in story at the thirsty herald, or other locations above ground? it would be interesting to hear your opinion? :)
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Roy Tmofl
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« Reply #27 on: July 29, 2012, 04:25:48 AM »

Hey Thortar I'll be making a few corrections in orange And the rest will be in ().
hey, think its finally done. :)

Name: Thortar

Gender: Male

Occupation: Earth Guide by choice, hunter out of necessity.

Tribe: Boltgrumms

Age:  98

Born: 1568

Title: Beast keeper

Race: Dwarves

Height: 1.2 peds

Weight: 2 pygges

Hair: Shaven with jet black beard
 
Skin: Pale and weathered

Eyes: Stone Gray

Overview:  
   Thortar is a stern solitary dwarf, who when found will offer his services as an Earth Guide, for the right fee. Spending most of his time alone with his pet in the wilderness he has developed, from youth, an ability for hunting. He is sturdy and muscular but due to years spent living rough in the wilderness and exposure to the elements he has  developed a knowing and weathered face, that offers comfort and reassurance to those with him but instils fear in those against him.

Appearance:
   Thortar is shaven, at least on the top of his head. He has black hair forming a beard that covers up most of his face so his deep set grey eyes are often the only thing that betrays any emotion. His right eye has a scar go right through it so to stop questions he wears an eye patch. Not caring for cleanliness he is often dirty and his hair is matted and unkempt. However his beard is cared for greatly, his Beard is jet black and the only part of his appearance he cares about, this is due to its importance as a symbol of pride and strength. Each side of the beard is braided, with copper rings keeping each braid in place. As for the rest of the beard, it is cared for by Thortar almost religiously every morning. He has thick bushy eyebrows  the same colour as his beard and hair. His face is rough in appearance and ravaged by time and the elements. The years of hard work and living off the land show; his weathered and tough face shows little emotion except when it is extreme. Has a weathered  and tough face often showing little emotion unless at extremes. Though similar in appearance to humans he is significantly smaller. He has clear musculature and is very fit and healthy due to the permanent wanderings in the wild.
When asked about his cleaning habits he often brushes it aside with a quick comment about how he has better things to do.
Clothes:
Thortar does not care about what he does to his clothes so they are very dirty and often smell. In warmer weather Thortar wears a small and thin cloak dyed red and made entirely  on his own from one of the many creatures he has killed and skinned. His right eye was injured in an accident  as a boy so on the odd occasion he wears a black eye patch over the eye. He wears rough leather reinforced trousers that look like they’re the only ones he has ever worn, covered in never removed mud and grime. On the odd occasion you might even notice specks of blood from previous encounters.  He also wears a sleeveless leather chest plate, which used to bare bear  the emblem of his tribe, the Boltgrumms, however over the years it has worn off. To most dwarfs this would be an issue; Thortar does not overly mind, and intends on possibly reinstating it, but only when he has the time. On both his wrists he wears leather bands for decoration and tough leather studded boots for grip in all conditions. These boots were crafted back in his home by an old friend in practice for their Wirrutharoon and hold great sentimental value as well as practical.
In the coldest of weather Thortar wears a thick hooded, fur lined, ground length cloak over the top of an old and worn thin blue jacket. The jacket was initially purchased some years back and consequently chose(I don't think you need chose here) shows some signs of  strain when worn with the buttons done up. Thortar claims he keeps it for simply sentimental reasons, and whilst this is somewhat true the main reason is that he is too cheap to buy a new one. Thortar will also wear thick woollen gloves. Whilst the dwarf is predominantly a frugal dwarf, he seems to believe that he requires good gloves  more than anything else and this results in him purchasing a new pair of gloves reasonably frequently. This is not simply out of a desire for new items, but  also out of a certain level of necessity. Due to his trade, he must use his hands a lot.
In warmer weather, when his jacket and cloak aren’t in use, the jacket is rolled up for storage in the cloak and strapped onto his backpack.


Accessories:
   Thortar carries an awful lot, from his weapons to his bags. The tools he carries are essential for his trade as a guide, as well as hunting and leatherworking.

Weapons & Tools:
   Tools:
•   Bone Saw, used to separate meat from bones.
•   Crusher, used to prepare food.
•   Belt Knife, used to cut meat.
•   Boot Awl, used to cut thick leather.
•   Cobbler’s Knife, crescent shaped blade for cutting leather.
•   Eating Knife, used for, well, eating.
 
Weapons:
•   Light Axe, for throwing while hunting.
•   Fang-axe, for show and intimidation as much as defence.

Bags:
•   Small Meat bag; although given the name, you would assume it is simply for meat, the dwarf uses it for all manner of food. He also  has a small pouch inside in which he stores treats for his eagle Riga
•   Backpack, for carrying his tools and other items.


Personality:
   Thortar is primarily a very stubborn and solitary dwarf, however if required, or if caught in the right mood, he can be very sociable. At times. He has a very good memory, useful, if not vital in his role as an earth guide. It does however also come in useful when remembering specific locations for hunting. His memory means he rarely forgets a face or a grudge held. This combined with a short temper has led to some interesting encounters in the past.
After the years of adventuring and infrequent encounters with others he is somewhat quiet and observing. He is a trustworthy, proud and loyal dwarf, with a dry and sarcastic sense of humour.  Thortar is intelligent and has a good general knowledge.

Strengths
•   Tracking and Guiding/Good Sense of direction: As primarily an Earth guide and hunter this is one of his most important skills.
• Herbs: He can make good nourishing food out of the herbs and resources he finds on his travels in the wilderness.
•Traps: He uses these to catch his food and relies on this to provide most of his food. Due to this reliance he is now adept at producing these effective traps from very little.
•   Connection with animals: After spending many years together he and his pet eagle Riga have developed a connection and through training in hand signs, whistles and other motions a certain level of communication and mutual understanding has been reached.
• Strength: He is a strong and hardy dwarf.
• Steady hand/Good Aim: Not only does he have an uncanny ability to throw small axes incredibly accurately, it also allows him to quickly sew clothes, cut leather and other miniature tasks.
-Calm: The dwarf is unusually calm in most situations and stress seems to have a minimal effect on him. At least that is how it appears from the outside.

Weaknesses:

•   Unsociable: Does not have a lot of contact with other people. Whilst this is somewhat out of choice it does effect on his already lacking social skills.

•   “Loner”: He does not have any friends except his pet. This means he must carry out most tasks on his own. Also has an effect on how people perceive him upon meeting.
•   Connection with Riga: Because of this is connection with the bird he will do nearly anything to make sure that the eagle is ok even risking his own life and possibly others.
•Feared: Because of his appearance he is quite often avoided or feared.
•Drinks: Thortar drinks a lot and when given the opportunity will drink simply for the purpose of getting drunk.
-Night Terrors/Insomnia: Thortar is often faced with the fear of crippling night terrors, reminders of a troubled past. This has led to the development of insomnia out of fear. He will often just sit and wait through the night, or at least until he cannot help falling asleep exhausted.
Lacking in emotion: Thortar finds it hard to express emotion, the deep emotion, how he really feels and will consequently bottle it all up, along with stresses placed upon him. On those nights he stays awake, he often becomes enormously depressed after spending the time thinking about his parents, worrying about his past and what is to come. This inability to express emotions means that it is hard for him to form the strong relationship he desires.
Clumsy: Has a habit for falling over  or dropping things in ways not quite understandable by most.
(Your strengths and weaknesses seem even to me. Nice job.)

Familiar:

   Thortar has a Torán eagle as a familiar. It is usually very hard to train these birds if caught when fully grown. While out on his Wirrutharoon he found the abandoned nest of a Torán eagle and decided to take the orphaned chicks and care for them as best he could.(space)Given the lack of supplies he had at the time, out of the four chicks he had rescued only one survived the experience. Riga. After returning to his home after the Wirrutharoon he began attempting to train the bird or at least, have some level of control over it. Knowing that training these birds usually turned out bad he was very careful not to lose its confidence. He was careful not to lose the trust and connection the two had gained out on his service and this mutual trust led to some altercations with the elders of his tribe. It was during this learning phase he acquired his scar and injured his eye through an accident in the mines involving the eagle Riga. Fortunately, though, by the time the bird had reached adolescence after the initial training the eagle and the dwarf were inseparable. He has learnt an awful lot along with the eagle he named Riga after his departed mother and the two have a special bond and would protect each other with their respective lives.

History:

   Thortar had a rather bad childhood. His father died young and he had to mature quickly in order to care for his mother. He was rejected or at least ignored by most dwarves his age because of rumours about his family and his obsessive personality at the time something that later on would be greatly valued by the elders of his tribe. Because of his difficulty forming friendships with dwarves a similar age he sought friendship in the older dwarves, something else that often sparked rumours.

--History told by Thortar--

“I was born in 1568, my mother and father were both members of the Boltgrumms tribe and were fairly well known. I was an only child so my parents spoilt(spoiled) me whenever given the chance. I would commonly escape the nursery and wander off on my own to explore but of course i(I) would eventually be apprehended.

At the age of twenty four my father died from a form of stroke, leaving my mother and me on our own. From that point on our family was shunned because of hideous rumour that my father’s death was caused by my widowed mother. A rumour which, by the way is both hurtful and entirely incorrect. Although I was young at the time I know for certain my mother and father loved each other dearly and when he passed away she was heartbroken and inconsolable.
Even at that young age i knew when something hurt my mother and would always do my utmost to reassure my mother that all was as well as it could be. Even when my mother would randomly just sit down and cry.

When I hit fifty, although still young, I was allowed to wander the mines and caves on my own and explore. Over the past twenty or so years my mother and i had formed a special relationship. She trusted me and i (I) her. In my opinion our relationship was so special because of how the traditionally tight-knit dwarven community we lived in had, to a certain extent, shunned us. We had to help each other through tough times and when i (I) turned fifty my mother knew and trusted me enough to let me have a remarkable amount of freedom.
It was at this point I formed a fascination for exploring, learning my way through the mines, learning to read maps, learning to form routes quickly and with a good knowledge of time and distance. This when i (I) knew i (I) was to be an earth guide and I was pleased with what i (I) was to become, relieved that i (I) would find a place among my community unlike my aging mother. However it seemed to have the opposite effect, i was so obsessed with learning my gift i did not notice the vast quantities of time i spent alone exploring. I often became worryingly obsessive and this led to my falling in the social standings among dwarfs my age and become known as a loner. At this point in time I only had one close friend but even then he was not that close.  Having been required to mature so young to look after my mother, something i (I) do not regret at all meant i (I) often sought refuge amongst elder dwarves of the tribe.

At the age seventy my only friend was a 65 year old who was in much the situation I was at his age, having his father fall ill and become bed ridden. I spent most of my time exploring the tunnels and it was at this time i stumbled across the outside world, not through the main entrances however,  but through ancient and long abandoned tunnels only i (I) really ventured through. The open world that greeted me was fresh and intriguing. Having almost entirely learnt (learned) the local underground off(Off does not need to go here) by heart it was a brilliant and slightly unnerving experience to be out in a world that i (I) knew so little about. To this day i (I) love discovering a new place, untouched by my peoples.

Upon reaching the outside world i (I) began learning and watching the environment around me, and would now  frequently visit instead of simply staying underground. I recall one time that i (I) foolishly wandered too far and did not make it back to the small tunnel entrance before dark. I decided that it would be a worthwhile experience to sleep beneath the open sky. Whilst lying awake i (I) began making things out of the branches on the ground around me, namely small wooden knives or incredibly simple wooden mechanisms such as traps consisting of a flexible branch and a tougher one combined. Anyway it does not matter, when i (I) look back at them they were very rudimentary. However at the time it interested me and i (I) made better and more of these tools in the days to come. I decided that I would camp out more often. My mother did not mind; she had become interested in reading, and reading huge quantities - whenever I saw her, she seemed to have a book in her hands. In order to survive these increasingly longer stints of camping, often a couple of days at a time, i (I) required food. I decided upon placing some of my more recent traps out in the hope of catching some rabbit. I did. Finding these traps was never an issue, and throughout the next couple of years i (I) spent more and more time exploring the land above ground, further alienating myself from the dwarves my age.  

When i (I) was at the age of 87 my mother passed away in her sleep, never seeing me reach my Baregozar or Wirruthoon, something that pains me deeply. Suddenly becoming the last of my family I fell into a serious depression for some time and only my call for Baregozar pulled, no dragged, me out of it. In the months leading up to my mother’s death she fell ill and we both knew it would be for the last time. I stayed by her side naturally and read her any book she desired. She became increasingly intrigued by the outside world and often asked for me to read books about it or tell her of my adventures. She loved me greatly, my mother, and always had trust in me. The evening she died i (I) read her a book about a young female bard, a bard fallen in love with a man whom she could never have for he was married. In order to show each other their love they gave each other flowers, flowers that were hard to come by or  exceptionally beautiful. The book was called, ‘The bard’s petal’. My mother loved the idea and said it reminded her of when my father Borin gave her flowers years ago. The next morning i (I) awoke from my sleep on a chair in my mother’s room to see her lying there peacefully on her bed. I did not know at first but i (I) soon found out she had gone.

That winter i (I) was called forth by the Denirim for my Baregozar, we talked about my childhood and parents.  How they had both passed away before their time. We talked about my relationships with others my age and how i (I) had been outside so often. Some liked the thought; others, however, did not. We talked about my desire to become an earth guide and possibly leave the tunnels after my Wirruthoon. They sent me away after that. I waited for weeks to hear back from them and when I did so it was with great apprehension that i (I) wandered back into the room of the Denerim.

They approved and agreed with me that i (I) must become an earth guide, but were not so sold on the idea of me leaving the tunnels. I was pleased and relieved at the decision. I remember it vividly to this day.

Following my Baregozar i had my Wirruthoon along with the other dwarves my age. The Denerim thought it a fitting and a suitable service or challenge for me, as an earth guide to be, to venture out into the unknown outside world and bring back a flower, a flower from the book ‘The Bard’s Petal’, the book  that i (I) had read to my dying mother. I liked the idea and left. This time, however i left through the main entrance; well; exit for me.
The first half of the trip was pretty uneventful and i (I) made ground quickly. I knew not where i (I) was heading, so instead headed south, in the direction of the climate i (I) assumed would be  a more suitable one for the flower to grow. About 18 or so days into the trip i (I) was out checking the traps i (I) had left the night before, in hope of finding some breakfast and if lucky some food to cook and carry with me. It was, i think, at the third empty trap i (I) got to that i (I) heard a noise, a terrible screeching. I looked up and saw a large nest some three peds up a tree on a large branch. Thinking at first it might be an injured bird , I thought should try my best to put it of its misery – with of course the possible bonus of some. I remember i began thinking of possible ways up to the branch when i decided to go and fetch my axe in order to cut out foot and hand holds up the tree trunk. Now this took some time, i’m only short and three peds is a long way up. But i was in no rush,  i still had food supply from my last catch and i had been given easily enough time to complete my Wirruthoon. Anyway i (I) got up to the branch near evening and instead of an injured bird there were four chicks. At the time i knew not what type of bird, but i know now they were Tóran eagle chicks. But i digress, for that is neither here nor there, so back to the story.  I decided nearly immediately that i should help; they were clearly abandoned for there was no food in the nest and i had been working at the tree for most of the day and had seen a bird not once. So i took the chicks back to my camp and gave them food. I made an attempt at a small wooden nest shaped thing made from twigs and branches nearby. This would serve as a way of transporting them and taking them with me on my journey.

The rest of the journey continued pretty uneventfully if i am honest; I would greatly love if i (I) had become enveloped in some conspiracy or vast fight so i may have a story to tell. But i didn’t. I found a huge flowering plant known as Succubus Leaf a beautiful plant that has a short stem but a long, tall and thin flower with incredibly vibrant colours roughly one and a half peds high. I took a few samples as i was aware that i might lose some on the way. Fortunately i kept all the flowers on the journey home, but it was a tough journey: food was hard and the weather took a turn for the worse. These two factors combined and resulted in the loss of three of the four birds. They had slowed me down incredibly and whilst upset to see them go i was slightly relieved there would be more food to go around.
I arrived home with two days to spare, later than i (I) would have hoped, but for obvious reasons. After presenting the Denerim with the Succubus Leaf and explaining my adventure they felt i had proved myself as not only as an Earth guide but as an adult dwarf. Upon showing them the eagle chick i had rescued they allowed me, resentfully, to keep the eagle as my own.

I moved back into my old family house as a fully grown dwarf and began focusing my time on my eagle chick. I had decided to name it Riga after my mother. I felt it suited the bird. I would spend hours if not days at a time with the bird, either in large caverns or in the outside world, training the bird in flying, and attempting to train it at hunting, although this naturally proved somewhat harder. The rest of the time i would earn my living guiding the other dwarves or on the rare occasion an outsider. In both situations Riga would follow close behind. This continued for about a year. When I turned ninety two Riga was nearly fully grown but still young. The bird was large and travelling through the small tunnels of home gave it no joy. It was at this time that i gained my scar. Yes you may have noticed. It was a simple enough story, yet one i (I) shall never forget.

Riga and i (I) had been asked to guide two dwarves from another tribe around some of the lesser known tunnels and sights. It was after showing them to their respective lodgings that i decided to go and take Riga for a fly. We went off to a quiet cavern that was traversed by a thin, single solitary bridge. This was a cavern that Riga often flew in and it was just the same as any other time we had been there until when letting go of the bird we became entangled and without knowing Riga started to drag me to the edge of the path - not far, a couple of palmspans, but enough for us both to realise what was truly happening and give us time to panic. I immediately tried to cut myself free, you see somehow the tassels on my shoulder that Riga sat on had become caught and tangled around the birds talons and leg. This, by the way, is why I now have a simple shoulder cover for Riga to sit on. As i (I) reached up to grab and swipe at the leather tassels with my small knife, the bird dropped suddenly and i lightly grazed the bird’s leg. As an immediate reaction the bird moved its leg and accidentally sliced across my right eye and brow. This motion loosened me from our entanglement and i dropped to the ground in crippling pain. After the bird’s leg was freed it flew off into the darkness in a panic. Naturally i was (I) worried for the bird however could do nothing to find her. I simply had to hope she would find her way back home.

After losing Riga i struggled back home, finding my way with one eye was no challenge however the pain slowed me down. When i reached home i attempted to crudely care tofor my eye; i (I) refused to leave the house for proper medical attention till Riga returned. I had to wait nearly a day and when Riga returned the bird was soaking wet, but fine. Clearly the bird had got lost in one of the great undercaverns which held a lake or waterfall of sorts. i (I) did not mind. My bird was back and in good health.

My eye was left half blind and basically useless and there were some rumours spread that i would not be able to keep working as an Earth guide. However, those foolish enough to believe such a thing know nothing of earth guides, for we spend large amounts of time plying our trade in pitch black and still get our job done. These rumours simply served to remind me of the days when it was just my mother and i(I). It brought back the memories of isolation and i (I) felt the same again. Why was i (I) still there? There was nothing for me. I decided to leave. I wanted to get that rush of  learning new routes, exploring new land and guiding people through unknown places and still getting them there. That was why I had become an Earth guide.

And so I went and consulted with the Denerim.I explained how I felt and i (I)  think they appreciated that there was no way they could persuade me to stay. So at the age of 93 i (I) left the Boltgrumms. It was a sad time but i (I) was leaving to do what i (I) love to do.
And now you find me as i (I) am, 98, still with Riga, and doing what i was born to do.
Now it was nice to reminisce, but if that’s all I have a beer to finish.”


You have an awesome History! I really like it. Well this is all that I can offer you in the ways of help. Fo that I apologize but I am by no means an expert on dwarves.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2012, 04:30:20 AM by Roy Tmofl » Logged

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« Reply #28 on: November 15, 2012, 12:52:59 AM »

just bumping this up again :)
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« Reply #29 on: November 20, 2012, 10:04:06 AM »

so this is the one im actually trying to bump up, much love
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