Tiras The White Rose: Erpheronian, Thief

[Tiras The White Rose]

Ah finally finished .

Now waiting first approval , hopefully .

[Kareesh Valendar]

*pokie* You didn't change one of the things that I pointed out.

Quote: Marcus tired of his opponent elaborated a plan to put him into ruin , a plan that succeded and Tiras father lost everything he got , highly depressed and melacholic , he put a end to his life , comitting suicide .

To me, I can't really tell that it's Tiras's father that commited suicide. To me, either Marcus or Tiras is the one who died. Perhaps write it like this:

Marcus, tired of his opponent, elaborated a plan to put in into ruin. This plan succeded and Tiras's father lost everything he had. Tiras's father became highly depressed and melacholic. Shortly thereafter, Tiras's father put and end to life by committing suicide.

Sure, it's a bit longer, but I think that it gets the point across a little bit better.

Hope that helps. G'luck. ^_^

Character Creation Help~~~My Bell to Ring

[Kareesh Valendar]

Whoops, I just noticed a typo in my thingy....It should read ...elaborated a plan to him (or them, up to you) into ruin.

So, ya, you might wanna change that.  

Character Creation Help~~~My Bell to Ring

[Vesk Lyricahl]

Grammar issues aside (I would suggest checking your spelling and grammar throughout the entire CD, but don't use Word's grammar check unless you're familiar with English grammar as it will lie to you! ), this is indeed a well written char, one I happen to like. Reminds me of a certain thrice married fool wont to fall in love with any and all fair maidens.  With pleasure I grant the first approval, but please remember to check your grammar, particularly the structure of your sentences.

[Tiras The White Rose]

Why , thank you Vesk for your quick reply and approval.

I made the sugested grammar check and now i await for the second approval ....

[Pikel Thunderstone]

I love this character. I really must say that.

My only real issue is this: I would like to see personality expanded upon, but that is a minor thing that can be done at a later date after some RPing

Welcome to your second Approval  

**DISCLAIMER** I apologize to anyone I may have offended in the above post. I would like to assure you that was (most likely) not my goal. I would also like to assure you that the above post (again, most likely) in no way reflects the views of the Santharian boards or their webmaster, Artimidor Federkiel

[Tiras The White Rose]

Alright !!! Second Approval !

Many Thx Pikel...

Looking forward to roleplay with Tiras

[Kalína Dalá'isyrás]

Post here to  make sure it works

Congratulations ^^

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[Tiras The White Rose]

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