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Author Topic: Alrick Kinson/Kiingerim/Trader  (Read 14812 times)
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Thorgas Ironforge
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« Reply #30 on: January 31, 2012, 05:45:58 PM »

Greetings Alrick, and welcome to the Dream. I won't be commenting on much of your CD except the dwarf part, since Alt had already done that. I trust our dear administrator and friend had already pointed out things that needed your attention.

Wirrutharoon
It was time to present his skills as a Breaker to the Elders. Alrick knew he was one of the best, he was confident, but nervous. It is always good to have a healthy fear, he thought, his knuckles turning white from the firm grip on his axe. He stood facing them, the elder in the middle spoke, "We request a service of you." Then the one on the far right spoke, "To prove to us your contribution to the clan, and the whole of the Kiingerim." Now the Elder on the left spoke, this one had the most daunting eyes, they made you meet their gaze, "To prove to us your strength, we request that you bring us the head of the leader of the Chyrakisth orcs that raid our city." Alrick stood motionless as he concentrated so heavily on every word spoken, "Of course, I would be delighted." He was dismissed, and walked to the arena for a bit of night training. (The success of your wirrutharoon depends on how successful you are in fulfilling them. The task you were given was to bring  the head of an enemy leader to the clan elders. I did not find any references of Alrick doing so, which means he has yet to pass his wirrutharoon.)

The Chyrakisth
The Chyrakisth Orcs consist of the utmost cruelty of any mortal being. They're blood thirsty and savage, therefore this was one of the most challenging battles of Alrick's life. It was a cool, fall night, all of the breakers were in the training arena, enhancing their skills with the large axes they so brilliantly wielded. As Alrick was in mid-swing to chop off a dummies head, one of the Elengerons came bursting into the large arena and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Orcs, Chyrakisth Orcs, coming near the gates!" It was too late for the fellers to do anything useful(No. Fellers are always stationed on top of the great walls surrounding Tyr Faerath. If anyone could spot a column of orcs advancing towards the city, it would be them.), so the breakers were next to fight. Alrick already had an image of the horrible beasts in his head, 2 sharp pointed teeth bared, towering peds above the dwarves, and glowering eyes that couldn't escape his thoughts. For the first time in awhile, Alrick was scared. At the moment the breakers arrived at the gate, the fight for their lives began. There was 200 breakers against 150 orcs.

That was all I could do at the moment. I'll read through the rest later.
Have a nice day.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2012, 05:47:32 PM by Thorgas Ironforge » Logged

A weak mind is a deadly foe.
Thorgas Ironforge
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Alrick
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Dwarf, Kingerim


« Reply #31 on: February 01, 2012, 05:29:53 AM »

Alright thank you much Thorgas!
But I do have one thing to say, I understand it's the fellers jobs to be the first to notice invaders. But that night it was very foggy and the conditions made it so that no one could see them until they were right on the walls of the city. Plus it was night because the orcs are only at full strength when it's dark.
« Last Edit: February 01, 2012, 05:33:46 AM by Alrick » Logged

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Alrick
Alrick
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« Reply #32 on: February 01, 2012, 05:45:16 AM »

Alright I have incorporated the necessary changes, although I haven't changed the feller sentence yet. If it must be changed I will certainly do that.
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Alrick
Thorgas Ironforge
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« Reply #33 on: February 01, 2012, 06:05:48 PM »

It's up to you, really. This is your CD, you can put anything in it as long as you make it realistic based on our world.  But having the orcs right in front of the gates, or even a few peds away from the gates, and having the fellers not spot them -- I can't see how that works, unless it's a gate not connected to the walls; a gate without walls.

Plus the Elengerons are the ones who are in charge of both fellers and raiders. Most of the time one of them would be up there with the fellers on the great wall and the other with the raiders.
Quote
one of the Elengerons came bursting into the large arena and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Orcs, Chyrakisth Orcs, coming near the gates!"
Wouldn't that make your reason(about the foggy night, the weather conditions you have set therein, and the fellers not being able to spot them) and this statement found in your CD contradicting? And you haven't mentioned in your CD(Or I haven't found anything) that the night was foggy and all that.

But as I said before, this is your CD, and any mod has no say on what you want to do in your CD. We're here to make sure your CD conforms with how Santharia works.

Have a nice day.
« Last Edit: February 01, 2012, 06:08:49 PM by Thorgas Ironforge » Logged

A weak mind is a deadly foe.
Thorgas Ironforge
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« Reply #34 on: February 02, 2012, 05:39:13 AM »

Ah yes, I thought about that as well, I will change those things.
Thanks Thorgas.
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Alrick
Alrick
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« Reply #35 on: February 02, 2012, 05:43:42 AM »

The fellers did there job, and instead it's a guard running into the arena.
Hope I've fixed all of the mistakes that have been noted,
-Alrick
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Alrick
Alýr (Rayne)
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« Reply #36 on: February 03, 2012, 02:08:34 PM »

I love how this CD is coming along! Great work. I especially like your heading title "Age of Never Choosing"  LOL You might be able to smooth out the transition between your "Baregozar" and "Breaker" sections, but that's only minor. I think this CD is really coming together nicely.

I'm sure Thorgas will be in soon to give it another look-over to make sure all the dwarven requirements are met, but it looks good from my side. Hopefully we can get you approved and titled soon!
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Thorgas Ironforge
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« Reply #37 on: February 03, 2012, 03:21:32 PM »

You're almost there. Almost.

Quote
Before leaving the battlefield, Alrick picked up the head of the Chyrakisth Orcs leader, put it in a sac, and presented it to the elders.

Does this mean that you just picked the head like that and stuffed it in a bag? That is not testing your skills as a warrior. In order for the test to be passed, you must fight it one on one, defeat it, and then take its head (Or other personal items, proofs that he is indeed the leader) and bring it back to the elders. There are many kinds of tests that a warrior can be given for his wirruth. One example is Exemplary service to the army and the city, like preventing the enemy from breaching the gates, having to fight many opponents at any given time, killing the enemy leader, etc. The elders would be keeping an eye on you from the garrison.
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Thorgas Ironforge
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Alrick
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« Reply #38 on: February 07, 2012, 06:30:36 AM »

Haha  grin no the orc's head that I chopped off was the leaders. I will clear that up by stating how I knew if was leader and make the battle with him a little more detailed.
Thank you greatly Alyr for the nice comments, I will change what needs to be changed as soon as possible.
Thank you to all,
Alrick the Dwarf
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Alrick
Alrick
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« Reply #39 on: February 07, 2012, 07:10:35 AM »

Alright in the Poison paragraph I state, "He swung around in a full circle and chopped off its head. Luckily, Alrick took a double take of his victim, and realized that it was the leader of the orcs."
So that's why he could pick up the head, he already cut it off during the battle and had realized that it was one of the leaders. If I still need to change or clarify anything please let me know.
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Alrick
Thorgas Ironforge
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« Reply #40 on: February 07, 2012, 07:28:17 PM »

Alright. Let me see if we can get this character going.
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Thorgas Ironforge
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Alrick
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« Reply #41 on: February 08, 2012, 05:45:12 AM »

Really, thank you. Thank you so much for all of the help I have recieved to make this character what it is.
Sincerely,
Alrick Kinson
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Alrick
Irid alMenie
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« Reply #42 on: February 11, 2012, 01:55:36 AM »

I see my colleagues hadn't passed yet, but several of them agreed you were good to go, so consider yourself titled :)

Moving your CD down to the archives now.
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Irid al'Menie
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« Reply #43 on: July 04, 2012, 08:07:27 AM »

Bumped back up as requested.  Pet
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Alrick
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« Reply #44 on: July 05, 2012, 01:03:13 AM »

Well I have polished up my cd as wanted, thank you very much for pulling him out of the archives, it would be very much obliged if he could return, thank you!
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Alrick
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