Sorossa Ro / Erpheronian / Spy

Sorossa Ro

Spy Lady

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Posts: 17

Human, Erpheronian

Re: Sorossa Roe / Erpheronian / Spy

« Reply #15 on: May 14, 2012, 07:36:45 AM »

Oh yes, I've overlooked it! Thank you for being patient.

Well, yeah, I'll remove the make-up. Actually it was quite silly to include it... haha.

I think that paranoia is quite a big weakness. I'll try to elaborate it more, though. I agree it's still unclear.

As for the history, I'll have to think about it more. I certainly like your suggestions.

I'm not sure where I want to begin. Santharia would be more natural but at the same time I wanted to joined one of the SW IV stories set in Remusia...

EDIT:
All changes made, except the history. I'll look into it tomorrow.


« Last Edit: May 14, 2012, 07:47:10 AM by Sorossa Roe »	Logged

Sorossa Ro

Sorossa Ro

Spy Lady

Approved Character

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Posts: 17

Human, Erpheronian

Re: Sorossa Ro / Erpheronian / Spy

« Reply #16 on: May 14, 2012, 06:11:10 PM »

All suggested changes made (I suppose)!


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Sorossa Ro

Alýr (Rayne)

Dreamress

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Gender: Female

Posts: 2051

Re: Sorossa Ro / Erpheronian / Spy

« Reply #17 on: May 15, 2012, 10:14:54 AM »

Nice work, Sorossa! Just a few more things from me:

1) There's no mention of what happened with her parents. Did she run away from home at 17? Did her parents ever learn what she was in to?

2) You mention, "She knew it wasn't really appropriate for her to become a typical warrior or soldier so she was looking for another way to be a part of military." Perhaps instead of becoming part of the military, she wanted just to "serve her leaders and her people"? As it is, her spying doesn't really help the military at all.

3) It would be great if you could include some incident that precipitated this hooded Kasumarii's identification of Sorossa as a good candidate for spy training. Perhaps her father owned some business and she broke into a competitor's store to see how his business was run? Or maybe a next-door graven was traveling through her town and she overheard some information and took it to the graven of her own lands? It would be nice if there were some root to the Kasumarii's interest in her

4) It would be harder for her to go unknown if her sponsor were a duke: there are not many dukes in Santharia. Perhaps she works for and is sponsored by a graven or a lord? You also might mention more of what she was doing for this noble? Was she fashioning herself as a lady of the court and wooing other nobles and lords in order to get information from them? Was she breaking into houses to search through desk draws and find valuable documents? It would be curious to know what exactly she's doing.

Let me know if you have any questions or need some help generating ideas.

Hopefully some other moderators will be around to give you their suggestions and advice, as well.


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Sorossa Ro

Spy Lady

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Posts: 17

Human, Erpheronian

Re: Sorossa Ro / Erpheronian / Spy

« Reply #18 on: May 15, 2012, 11:48:04 PM »

Thank you!

So - here I am with another version, history updated with further explanation. I changed the duke into baron, is that better?


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Sorossa Ro

Sorossa Ro

Spy Lady

Approved Character

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Posts: 17

Human, Erpheronian

Re: Sorossa Ro / Erpheronian / Spy

« Reply #19 on: May 17, 2012, 06:22:39 AM »

Just a little bump here...


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Sorossa Ro

Alýr (Rayne)

Dreamress

Offline

Gender: Female

Posts: 2051

Re: Sorossa Ro / Erpheronian / Spy

« Reply #20 on: May 17, 2012, 06:26:42 AM »

I'm sorry, Sorossa. I've asked some of the other moderators to give you a look-over. Hopefully they'll be around soon. Thank you for being so patient!