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Author Topic: Koraein Morach/Erpheronian/Knight of Armeros  (Read 5826 times)
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Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
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Gender: Male
Posts: 104


Human, Erpheronian


« on: May 27, 2012, 02:56:32 PM »

                                                         General Information
Name: Koraein Morach

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian

Occupation: Alchemist/Herbalist/Blacksmith

Title: Knight of Armeros

                                                               Appearance
Height: 1 ped, 2 fores, 1 palmspan, 6 nailsbreadths, 1 grain(Six feet)

Weight: 1 pygge, 5 hebs, 1 hafeb, 4 ods, 7 mut (176 lbs)

Hair Color: Dark eohpran brown

Eye Color: Uderza

                                                           Physical Appearance
Like his pure blooded tribe, Koraein has a clear profile and "piercing" expression, save for a few scars along his right eye and cheek, which were caused during his six year Knight training. His eyebrows are slightly angled, kept thin. His nose short and thin, and his lips thin and always in a grin. His hair is a dark eohpran brown and is always styled up and short, and never sports any facial hair of any kind. His eyes are a crystal uderza color, but they seem to change color in direct sunlight. He is physically fit, with well toned muscles and a strong stomach. Not to the extent of bulging, but well noticeable. He bears no tattoos of any kind, as they are seen "Barbaric" and "Unfitting" to a warrior of his stature.

                                                                  Clothing
When not wearing armor, (Which is extremely rare) Koraein flaunts middle-class Erpheronian garments, a nor'sidian colored tunic lined with korwyn gold stitching and a small crest depicting his order just above his left breast. His pants are of the same make and are a rather loose fit, often being draped over his boots. His boots are a thick leather, a rich eophran brown that span halfway up his shin, folded over to yield a 5 nailsbreadth lip.

 Koraein's armor is of the full plate variety, covering both the front and back of his torso, his arms and hands. A curved metal flap protects the top of his hand and for further protection he wears generic leather gloves. A set of greaves and shin guards with chainmail backing and large scale reinforced boots.  His helmet is cylindrical in design, with rigid "wings" spanning out 1 palmspan long and 2 nailsbreadths, 2 grains wide, and adorns a eophran brown plume. His chest piece proudly displays his Order's crest, covering the whole front side. His cloak is pure nor'sidian, also bearing the Order's crest, held by a lions clasp of his own design. His entire armor set is colored a very light eophran brown, in respect to the War God Armeros.

                                                                 Personality
Koraein is good natured, yet very easy to anger, and his ego could fill a room and then some. While he doesn't belittle others, he has a strong sense of pride and does not take criticism or advice with ease. He is very outspoken and will not hesitate to voice his true thoughts, be it positive or negative. His upbringing and extensive knight training has given him some form of patience, but it is very thin at best, especially around those he deems evil. Koraein is extremely judgmental and quick to assume the worst, or best in anyone at first glance. His trust is hard to gain, and easy to lose, but once you prove yourself to him, he would willingly lay his life on the line.

 With the fated meeting with Kay, his loyal wolf companion, Koraein has grown to appreciate nature more than he used to. Instead of smashing a bug for bothering him, he would sooner catch it and send it on its way. This is similar in the way to his social interactions with people, the only problem being his judgmental self getting in the way.

                                                                  Strengths

Combat
As a Knight, Koraein had to go through training in order to properly defend himself when it comes to any form of combat. He is trained in proper dodge and parry techniques and combat stances, as well as different target locations of an opponent. (Pressure points, vital organs etc.)

Sword Technique
Koraein's main choice in melee combat, he is skilled with both sword and dagger. Precise with his swings and quick reflexes allow him to use these weapons with ease.

Bow and Crossbow Technique
Koraein took his time to learn the art of ranged combat, specifically the bow and crossbow. His aim is true, his hand steady and his eyesight keen, able to pick off opponents at any distance.

Throwing Knives
Sometimes, you just don't have the time to pull out your bow to defend yourself from a far away opponent. Hence Koraein practised a fast and accurate alternative that allows him to engage ranged opponents.  

Sidekick in action
Within the first moments of a confrontation, Kay will be right beside Koraein to defend him, even in times when it is not needed, such as a loud argument, or a small scrap amongst other people.

Tactics
Koraein knows full well to assess a situation, rather than dive in blindly, be it combat, survival or social interactions. If a fight or bloodshed can be avoided, he will do so. If a verbal confrontation can be solved calmly, he will do so. Any information that can be gathered on a situation, you can be sure Koraein has done just that.


Alchemy/Herbalism
During the six years of his knight training, up until his current position in life, Koraein has studied and experimented with various flora in the wilderness and how to use their properties in the creation of potions. Koraein's understanding in both Alchemy and Herblore are minor at best, and never yielded a profitable outcome. They are mere hobbies until his experience increases.


Blacksmith’s Son
Since he was a child, Koraein had been working with metals of all shapes and sizes. His father had been a blacksmith in Voldar and had instructed him in the craft. While Koraein cannot craft a useable suit of armor or a sword, he can spot a good blacksmith a mile away.


Good at Heart
While his intentions or actions may show otherwise, he is naturally good at heart. More often than not, he will put others before himself, and evil thoughts never cross his mind.

                                                              Weaknesses
Encumbrance
With all that heavy armor and assortment of weapons, gadgets and accessories, Koraein is slower to move than the average adventurer. This in turn has a sort of hindrance to combat against lighter equipped adversaries, and it usually takes him longer to get to one destination, even with the help of Zeke.

BIG Ego
Koraein has a bigger ego then most people. It is impossible to tell him he is doing something wrong, or skill is lacking in one way or another.  He will tend to ignore advice given from others, which in turn limits his social interactions.

Kay, his companion
Since the day he found Kay and began to look after her, Koraein has developed a large connection with the animal. Such a connection is it, that he would be more than willing to sacrifice his life..or someone else..to keep her from harm.

Fisticuffs..not so much
Disarm Koraein of his weapon, and he is next to harmless. Being so confident in himself, he never thought to train in unarmed combat.
 
Anger
Koraein has a terrible anger problem. It doesn't take much for him to be blowing steam and if it gets bad enough, it can make him dangerous. On more than one occasion, he had been so blind with rage, he hurt himself, friends and foes alike. While this level of rage does in fact boost a minor increase to his pain tolerance and strength, it comes at a cost of reason and mercy. At times, this may also lead to him acting brash, throwing common sense and skill out the window.

Judgmental
One of Koraeins biggest weaknesses is his quick "judging a book by its cover". A being dressed in rags or dark clothing would give him the impression of a thief or someone of ill intentions, white robes and a smile, a priest or being of Righteousness. More often than not, it turns out to be the opposite, and it has cost him to make the wrong friends...or none at all. With that in mind, this extends to the other races in Caelereth primarily because Koraein has not come in contact with any, so his views as a whole to anything BUT the human race is negative at best.

Alcohol
Loves his drink..perhaps a bit too much. If it time allows it, and if there is enough of the substance, Koraein will not hesitate to drink it all. Typically when he is drunk or even slightly buzzed, he becomes easier to anger, and hard to cope with. Such behavior makes it so others tend to not want to be around him in taverns or even in public.
                                                                

                                                                   History

Koraein was born in the capitol city of Vardýnn, Voldar, to his father Thaelean Morach, and mother  Janthea Morach (Maiden Caniga), although Koraein never met her. There were complications with the birth, and Janthea passed away a few hours after he was born, never getting the chance to see her child. The family was well off living in Middle-Class luxury. Thaelean made a living through blacksmithing for the capitol, and a living it was. More often than not, the father would spoil Koraein with treats and nick-nacks he made while working, but soon the extravagant living had to cease. The demand for repairs and craft grew, which made it more difficult to continue bringing his son to work, so he hired a nanny of sorts, a young girl by the name of Teah, to look after him while he was gone. The arrangement had worked out well enough, through the next few years nothing of great importance happened.

 At the age of eight, Koraein had started to show his interest in "swordplay", being so inquisitive of the guards and soldiers that passed by day to day, and found the hobby of swinging a broken branch at passerby's (Which was absolutely hilarious to Koraein). One day, the start of Koraeins anger had shown when his father caught the act and took the branch away from him. He had clenched his fists so hard, he drew blood in his palms, and he screamed with such a high pitch, that anyone nearby would cover their ears. His father had tried to calm him down, but nothing seemed to work, until Koraein managed a direct punch to Thaeleans nose, effectively breaking it. At that instant, the child had calmed down, seeing what he did. As the days went on, Koraein had also developed a large interest in his father's craft in Blacksmithing, and, with permission of Teah, (Whom had now been living in the residence for quite some time and managed to get some degree of control of the house, considering Thaelean was gone most of the time) continued the tradition of going to work with his father.

"What's that red stuff papa!?" "Why are you hitting it so hard, papa?!" "Can I try?!"

The most frequently asked question.."Can I try?!". It was Koraeins favourite, but the answer was always the same.

"When you can hold my hammer, and strike the metal, you may."

Each and every time, Koraein would try, but would be unable to lift it. It wasn't until five years later he completed the feat, and by that time, almost knew what he was doing on his own. He would help make axes, swords, spears and halberds, flail chains and spiked balls, crossbow joints and levers, chain mail surcoats and plate mail. Anything that had to do with metal, he was there making it with Thaelean. On occasion, his father's shop would be commissioned to smith weapons for the Armourwain's apprentices and fellow Knights of the temple and its neighboring order and that is where Koraein found his new fascination and goal. When not working with his father, he would wander over to the temple to watch the young apprentices train, and admire the Knights that occupied the halls, hoping one day he could join them. His chance was given to him the next day. A loud call had been made, gathering the children and young men (Teenagers) to petition for a spot as apprentices. Out of the potential two hundred candidates, only two dozen would make it in. The challenge was a tournament and the top twenty-four victors were picked. Koraein placed thirty-fourth. He hung his head in shame and anger and returned home. There would not be another calling for apprentices for three long years. It had put a large blow to his ego and social life. He rarely left his home, not even to go to "work". After half a year of skulking he simply gave up his goal, admitting he would never stand up to such a noble cause. Who would train a ten year old swordsmanship? His father could only CRAFT such a thing, not swing it. The guardsmen never had time, and the Barracks only trained students at least sixteen years of age, but the day dawned again.

 Age fifteen. He swallowed his pride and signed up once more. This is it. He had to make it this year. No more losing. This is it. He won his way up the ladder. 134th.65th.34th.12th.3rd.....FIRST. The last "battle" was the hardest, most nerve racking experience Koraein had ever been through. By the end of it, his heart was racing and his thoughts were a big jumble. He had done it. Several minutes after the competition, he was brought over with the twenty-three other finalists to secure his placement. He had one week to spend as he pleased. After this, there was no turning back...and would not be permitted to leave.

Koraein took this week to set a new goal for himself.

Make a suitable sword.

While Koraein did most of the planning, Thaelean was the artist behind it all, smelting, moulding and crafting the blade into shape. When the blade itself was finished, Koraein and his father hired a wood worker to form the pommel, hilt and guard of the sword. Koraein decided the design should be of a lion, to boast his courage and wisdom(Child thinking at its best). Over the course of three days, the piece was delivered and the two set to work, fitting it to the blade. The hilt was wrapped and sealed with a soft leather, and Thaelean fitted a small Oontrom inside the lion's mouth. The blade was finished.

"This is a great sword, my son. A lot of sweat and blood went into making this. I'm proud of you." He had said. "When you have passed your tests and are a true warrior, it will be here waiting for you."

The time came for his first day as a trainee. He was excited, but also terrified, as he knew for the next nine years, he would not see his family. The training consisted of three years instruction of combat and etiquette within the Order of Armeros building, which included melee tactics, stances, defensive moves, archery as well as armor conditioning and proper speech craft and other minor details any Knight SHOULD know. The last six years, after being appointed by an elder, one must wander to learn the path of a Knight of Armeros. Once accomplished, and approved of an elder once returning, the Knight in question will be full-fledged after one night of prayer.

 While the majority of the trainees focused on one or two types of fighting styles(Sword, bow or crossbow, axe ect), Koraein had trained in the use of four: Sword, Bow, Crossbow and Throwing weapons, as well as becoming sufficiently experienced with heavy armor (By the end of his training, of course). In between sessions, and on his spare time, Koraein would craft nick-nacks and the like to keep up his smithing abilities. After the three years, his time had come and he was appointed to an elder.

 For the long six years, the elder had taught Koraein all about Balance; the key concept to Armeros role and influence in Caelereth, as well as further instructions with attack, defense and horseback riding.

"Stay on the path of right, the good, and look to Armeros for guidance. Maintain balance with all things, and your road shall be clear."

 He returned with the elder, was granted his knighthood, his own personal steed and recited the battle prayer for one full day.

"Armeros Armourlord, lend us thy armour’s ward,
Give us the strength of the Truth-Splitter’s blade!
Keep our lifetales from thy measuring scales,
And we give thee praise that thy glory not fade.

Armeros come, as we summon with drum!
Trumpet and heartbeat shall bring thee to hear.
In the red battle’s call save us from dying fall,
And from the little death cowards call fear.

Armeros ware if our cause be not fair!
Send out thy vipers to strike at our foes.
Let them taste earth in their death as their birth,
Confident warriors are we for thy blows.

Armeros Battleking, ‘tis to thee we do sing,
Fighting thy causes wherever we roam.
Shrinepoppets bright we shall honour each night,
Bless thou our amulets, bring them all home.

Armeros Armourlord, lend us thy armour’s ward,
Give us the strength of the Truth-Splitter’s blade!
Keep our lifetales from thy measuring scales,
And we give thee praise that thy glory not fade."

 When he recited the last verse of the prayer (After hundreds of times), he had opened his eyes and there in front of him was his sword, wrapped in a silk cloth. He was bewildered. He quickly left the temple to find his father and his heart stopped. The house he had been born in, every childhood memory(Up until he was 15, of course) he had experienced there was gone. He dropped to his knees and wept. His father had passed on two years before from a violent fire that had trapped him inside, and consumed the home and everything in it. Teah had been missing the day before.

 From that moment on, Koraein truly believed his father's spirit had kept its promise, and in his honor, named the sword after him and vowed to fight in his name. Later that day, one of Thaelean's co-worker's approached him, stating that a suit of armor had been delivered to the shop a few days before the accident. Koraein retrieved the armor and went to the local engraver and paid to place his Order's markings on the breast plate and on his sword. After gathering supplies, Koraein started his journey.
 
 Within the first year of his "pursuit for justice", Koraein had picked up two habits: Cigar smoking, and Alcohol. Every waking moment, he would be seen puffing on a cigar, or chugging from his hip flask. Or both. Within all this, he picked up a small knack for Herbalism, through experimentation, and grew to know about the different flora that grew about the land. He also experimented in Alchemy lightly.

 Today, he still wanders the land, fighting for good, puffing his cigars, chugging his alcohol and making sure Kay doesn't get into any trouble.(Familiar explained below.)

                                                               Weapons
Double-Edged Gladius(Thaelean)
A 1 fore, 2 palmspans, 7 nailsbreadths, 3 Grain long, double-edged blade Koraein had forged with his father when he was a child and it was properly named after Thaelean (Father). It was given to him upon full Knighthood in the Order of Ameros. The pommel and hilt depicts a lion's head, with a small oontrom in its mouth. The guard of the sword is a lion's claw "holding" the blade. Along the center, a 1 nailsbreadth, 1 Grain blood groove is etched to the tip, as well as his Orders crest, 2 nailsbreadths, 2 grains above the guard.

1 palmspan, 5 nailsbreadths, 1 grain long Throwing Knives x5
Simple throwing knives of Koraeins design, the blades are stained brown, due to the fact of him retrieving each one after a kill.

1 palmspan, 7 nailsbreadths, 3 grains long Stiletto
Simple thrusting dagger, it is his secondary weapon. Same design as Thaelean, only no oontrom.

Standard sized Crossbow(Hand drawn, not mechanically wound)
Generic crossbow design, hair pull trigger, hand drawn string.

Ten Bolts
Ammunition for the crossbow. Tips are broad head for armor piercing, and barbed for maximum damage.

                                                            Belongings

Herb Pouch
1 palmspan, 2 nailsbreadths, 3 grains wide pouch used to store harvested herbs. Situated on belt, left of cigar pouch.

Potion "Rack"
A series of five loops situated on Koraeins belt to hold potion vials.

Knife Bandolier
Belt of leather slung over the front of Koraeins chest. Holds five knives.

Gladius Sheath
Light sheath made of wood, wrapped in thin leather. Sits on left side of belt.

Stiletto Sheath
Same design as Gladius sheath. Sits on right side of belt.

Bolt Quiver
Holds crossbow bolts. Attached to his Knapsack, right side.

Blacksmiths Hammer
Previously owned by his father, it is the only hammer he will use. Located in a belt loop beside Gladius.

Cigar Pouch
Holds his precious. Sits on belt, over top buckle.

Armeros Kite Shield
Roughly half the size of Koraein. The front depicts his Orders crest and is colored light brown, similar to armor. It has a 2 nailsbreadths, 2 grains thick plate cover with a 3 grain thick wood backing. Either strapped to Koraeins left arm, or attached to Knapsack.

Knapsack
Holds the items Koraein doesn't feel like holding. (Mostly contains blacksmithing items, such as tongs, knives, whet stones etc.) Has a flap to hold his Crossbow, on the left side.

Five vials of blood clot agents
Potions used to help clot bleeding wounds. Stored in Potion "Rack".

                                                             Familiar One
Gender: Female

Animal: Wolf

Name: Kay

Age: 4

Height: 1 fore, 2 palmspans, 7 nailsbreadths, 3 grains high, 1 ped, 1 fore, 1 palmspan, 9 nailsbreadth long.(From tip of tail, to end of muzzle)

Weight: 8 hebs, 1 od, 7 mut

Appearance
Kay has an almost pure Cyhalloian Snow colored fur with a noticeable trail of Cinnabrown trailing from her back, to the tip of her tail. Her ears a pointed, similar to a triangle and have the same Cinnabrown tint at the tips. Her left eye is colored Xazure, while her right is colored Sognastheen. Her muzzle is slender with Snow colored teeth, and a Nor'sidian nose. (Think of her as a big, fluffy white husky but with wolf features.)

History
Two years left in his training, Koraein came across this little pup. She had been caught in a trap of sorts, and it was apparent her parents left her to die. At first, he thought the little wolfling was dead, as she was unconscious, but with further examination, he found that to be false. Within a few minutes, the trap was disarmed and Koraein began to tend to her wound as best as he could. Her leg was broken, and the wound partially infected with being open for so long. He applied Yahrle paste to it, alongside a touch of alcohol and a makeshift splint and hoped for the best. About an hour later, having passed out leaning on a tree, Koraein felt something tugging at his chestplate strap. The little wolfling was growling and snarling loudly as she pulled on the strap, its tail wagging a million stral, 6 dashes, 9 peds, 2 palmspans, 9 nailsbreadths, 4 grains (1 mile hah) fast. He grinned as he outstretched his hand and she ran up to it and nipped at him. He decided to call her Kay. Nearing the end of the night, Kay had gotten used to him as she climbed into his folded arms, licked his face once and fell asleep.

 Kay, now in the present, follows close by in the "pursuit of justice" always within a reasonable distance of Koraein. Wherever he goes, she goes and wherever she goes, he goes. There is no splitting them up.

Familiar Two

Name: Zeke

Animal: Destrier Horse

Gender: Male

Age: 7

Height: 1 ped, 1 fore, 2 palmspans, 9 nailsbreadths, 1 grain.

Weight: 16 pygges, 5 hebs.

Appearance: Zeke is a pure nor'sidian Destrier, with the exception of a snow colored patch around his left eye, and barsa dusk hair on the lower portions of his legs, mane and tail.

History: Koraein received this beautiful steed the day he returned from his six year wander. Considering Zeke had already been broken and trained as a warhorse, it was fairly easy for Koraein to gain the young horses trust and the ability to command the horse as he needed. To this current day, Zeke can be seen carrying his rider throughout the land.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2012, 12:41:44 AM by Koraein Morach » Logged

"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2012, 02:59:08 PM »

*Wipes brow,flicks his hand*

WOW..I worked on this..ALL day. Hopefully its up to standards. Hours of work,and then some was put into this  Rolling fish

Look forward to comments/approval!
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"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Emrah Lark
Swell Rogue on the Road
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Human, Helcrani


« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2012, 08:03:27 PM »

I like this CD! This is how I would imagine an Erpheronian knight.  :)

However, I have a couple of things here.

When you say "Lawful Chaotic", what do you mean? Didn't you want to write "Lawful Neutral"? Also, we don't really use the alignment system here. The concept really helps in building the character's personality but writing it down may be a little disturbing. That's just my opinion though.

As for the Weaknesses, I'd say that you should add some to balance it with the strengths. The fact that Koraein doesn't perfect any combat specialisation, isn't weakness at all. Being a "well rounded fighter" able to use so many types of weapons is an enormous strength by itself and remember that the strengths and weaknesses should be designed as qualities which make the character different from an average peasant or which, in specific case of weaknesses, make it much more difficult for a character to do their job. Therefore, the same goes for the "Alchemy/Herbalism" weakness. You can state that this is a mere hobby with minor importance in the Strengths section.

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"Yea, I be a proper gentleman."

Emrah Lark
Ryvic Darkveil
Haunted Altruist
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2012, 12:18:38 AM »

Agreeing with Emrah, if you have a strength that isn't that strong, just say so in the description of the strength. You don't add a new weakness to specify how un-spectacular his strength is.
For example, you would write:
Strength - he can lift 300 hebs.
Weakness - he can't lift 500 hebs.

But you might write:
Stength - he can lift 200 hebs with his left arm.
Weakness - his right arm is missing.


I'll try to do a more thorough check later.
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To kill the beast is to kill the man, and to make peace with the beast is to smother the man.
Ryvic's CD
Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
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Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2012, 07:45:02 AM »

There,I fixed the strengths/weaknesses section..added two weaknesses: BIG Ego and Kay,his companion. I'm not all too sure what else to add if balance is still an issue. :(
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"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Alýr (Rayne)
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« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2012, 12:47:52 PM »

For some reason, your commas are missing their subsequent spacing. Try to make sure there's a space after your commas--it makes for easier reading!

I love all the research you've done for this! The details regarding his upbringing and his entrance into the Order of Armeros. I especially like that he failed the first time, but overcame his reservations and tried again: I think that shows a lot about your character!  ;)

Is your wolf likely to ever aid her master in battle? If he is attacked, would she come to his rescue? If so, she might be considered a strength.

You've listed the ways in which he's good in combat; hand-to-hand is not listed. I assume that, if he is disarmed, he may have some difficulty in combat--is this correct?

I'd be curious to know Koraein's feelings toward those of other races. You mention him as being judgmental. Does this extend to other races? Men are typically distrustful of orcs (for good reason, I suppose), and even elves and dwarves on occasion. How does your character view them?

As a knight, was Koraein ever taught to ride a horse? Does he have one? If he does, perhaps you can list the mount as a familiar? Or perhaps he's more comfortable on the ground?

I feel as though there should be some sort of physical weakness to outweigh all his strengths, particularly a weakness that would affect his combat--even if its anger making him overly brash, or gynophobia distracting him from his target, or naiveté that occasionally engenders a misstep or mis-swing. Would it be trouble to work this in?

I think this CD is coming along quite well! You may need to be patient with comments. Many of the mods are very busy running stories, launching contests, and writing for the Chronicle.  :)
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Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
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Posts: 104


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #6 on: May 28, 2012, 01:16:15 PM »

Just the right push I needed, thank you! I'm sure I could easily fit the pointers you have said in with no trouble at all. I'll get right to it a.s.a.p

Edit: Took Nox's advice, rewrote whole section. Need to add a few more things, they will be in red.
« Last Edit: May 29, 2012, 05:39:19 AM by Koraein Morach » Logged

"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Alýr (Rayne)
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« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2012, 11:56:46 PM »

Looks good! Thank you for colouring changes; definitely makes it easier to see the changes you've integrated.  :)

I think this character is getting close to done! Can we add the wolf as a separate strength? Also, it occurs to me that, with all that armour on, your character may experience a bit of slowness (after all, armour and weapons are generally pretty heavy!).

Those are my only requests. Aside from those, I have no qualms about giving my approval. I'll see if I can inspire some of the other moderators/minimoderators to stop back and give their two sans.  :) Nice work, Koraein!
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Leif Terskun
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« Reply #8 on: May 29, 2012, 12:07:58 AM »

It's looking good to me. I would request again that you put spaces after commas - and also full stops, colons, semicolons and the like, although I didn't spot any errors like that. I'm not going to insist on it here, but it'll make your posts easier to read and if you type in a word processor it should pick them up for you.

Other than that, great. I agree with Rayne in that I don't see any obstacles to an approval.

Best,

Leif.
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Words convey knowledge; knowledge is power; thus power lies in words
Leif Terskun
Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
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Posts: 104


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #9 on: May 29, 2012, 12:36:25 AM »

There we are ^-^ Suggestions have been put in.
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"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Nox Echiiscuan
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« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2012, 04:31:48 AM »

Hello, Koraein. grin
Comments will be made lovely in Lime
Corrections will be made fierce in Fuchsia.

                                                        General Information
Name: Koraein Morach

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Race: Human

Tribe: Erpheronian

Occupation: Alchemist/Herbalist/Blacksmith

Title: Knight of Armeros

                                                               Appearance
Height: 1 Ped, 2 Fores, 1 Palmspan, 6 Nailsbreadths, 1 Grain(Six feet)

Weight: 1 Pygge, 5 Hebs, 1 Hafeb, 4 Ods, 7 Mut (176 lbs)

Hair Color: Dark Eohpran Brown

Eye Color: Uderza

                                                           Physical Appearance
Like his pure blooded tribe, Koraein has a clear profile and "piercing" expression,(space)save for a few scars along his right eye and cheek,(space)which were caused during his six year Knight training. His eyebrows are slightly angled, kept thin. His nose short and thin, and his lips thin and always in a grin. His hair is a Dark Eohpran Brown<dark eophran brown<There is no grammatical reason that the color stated here (or anywhere) should be capitalized, as it is not a proper noun. and is always styled up and short,(space)and never sports any facial hair of any kind. His eyes are a crystal Uderza<uderza color, but they seem to change color in direct sunlight.  <remove extra spaceHe is physically fit, with well toned muscles and a strong stomach. Not to the extent of bulging, but well noticeable. He bears no tattos<tattoos of any kind, as they are seen "Barbaric" and "Unfitting" to a warrior of his stature.

                                                                   Clothing
When not wearing armor, (Which is extremely rare) Koraein flaunts middle-class Erpheronian garments,(space)a Nor'sidian<nor'sidian colored tunic lined with Korwyn Gold<korwyn gold stichings<stitching and a small crest depicting his order,<this comma is unnecessaryjust above his left breast. His pants are of the same make and are a rather loose fit, often being drapped<draped over his boots. His boots are a thick leather, a rich Eophran Browneophran brown that span halfway up his shin,(space)folded over to yeild<yield a 5 Nailsbreadth<nailsbreadth lip.

 Koraeins<apostrophe armor is of the full plate variety, covering both the front and back of his torso,(space)his arms and hands, (A curved metal flap protects the top of his hand,(space)for further protection he wears generic leather gloves.) greaves and shin guards with chainmail backing, and large scale reinforced boots.<I would suggest making this into three separate sentences. Put a period after "hands" before the parenthesis, and have "greaves" start up it's own sentence. His helmet is cylindrical in design, with rigid "wings" spanning out 1 Palmspan<palmspan long and 2 Nailsbreadths<nailsbreadths, 2 Grains<grains wide, and adorns a Eophran Brown<eophran brown plume. His chestpiece<chest-piece or chest piece proudly displays his Orders<apostrophe crest,(space)covering the whole front side. His cloak is pure Nor'sidian<nor'sidian,(space)also bearing the Orders<apostrophe crest, held by a lions clasp of his own design. His entire armor set is colored a very light Eophran Brown<eophran brown, in respect to the War God Armeros.

                                                                 Personality
Koraein is good natured, yet very easy to anger, and his ego could fill a room and then some. While he doesn't belittle others,(space)he has a strong sense of pride and does not take criticism or advice with ease. He is very outspoken and will not hesitate to voice his true thoughts, be it positive or negative. His upbringing and extensive knight training has given him some form of patience, but it is very thin at best, especially around those he deems evil. Koraein is extremely judgmental and quick to assume the worst, or best in anyone at first glance. His trust is hard to gain, and easy to lose, but once you prove yourself to him, he would willingly lay his life on the line. Think of him as Lawful Chaotic.

 With the fated meeting with Kay, his loyal wolf companion, Koraein has grown to appreciate nature more than he used to. Instead of smashing a bug for bothering him, he would sooner catch it and send it on its way. This is similar in the way to his social interactions with people, the only problem being his judgmental self getting in the way.

                                                                  Strengths

Combat
Koraein is a well rounded fighter,(space)trained in the use of swords, bows and crossbows and throwing weapons of the like. If it can be swung, thrown or drawn, Koraein is likely to know its use. I know knowing a weapon's use, and generally how to use it, isn't the same thing as being skilled with it. However, each weapon that your character is skilled in should be listed in your strengths separately. And under each it should say just how good he is with the mentioned weapons.

Sidekick in action
Within the first moments of a confrontation, Kay will be right beside Koraein to defend him, even in times when it is not needed, such as a loud argument, or a small scrap amongst someone someone else.<you mean, "amongst other people." ? 


Tactics
Koraein knows full well to asses<assess a situation, rather than dive in blindly,(space)be it combat,[color=fuchsia[/color]survival or social interactions. If a fight or bloodshed can be avoided,(space)he will do so. If a verbal confrontation can be solved calmly,(space)he will do so. Any information that can be gathered on a situation,(space)you can be sure Koraein has done just that.


Alchemy/Herbalism
During the six years of his knight training,(space)up until his current position in life, Koraein has studied and experimented with various flora in the wilderness and how to use their properties in the creation of potions. Koraeins<apostrophe understanding in both Alchemy and Herblore are minor at best, and never yielded a profitable outcome. They are mere hobbies until his experience increases.


Smithing
Since he was a child, Koraein had been working with metals of all shapes and sizes. His father had been a blacksmith in Voldar and had instructed him in the craft. When Koraein started his apprenticeship at the Armourwain, he continued the craft on his own time.

Good at Heart
While his intentions or actions may show otherwise, he is naturally good at heart. More often then not, he will put others before himself, and evil thoughts never cross his mind.

                                                              Weaknesses

Encumbrance
With all that heavy armor and assortment of weapons, gadgets and accessories, Koraein is slower to move than the average adventurer, which in turn has a sort of hindrance to combat against lighter equipped adversaries, and it usually takes him longer to get to one destination, even with the help of Zeke.
<This is a little bit of a run-on sentence. I would suggest breaking it up into at least two sentences.


BIG Ego
Koraein has a bigger ego then most people. It is impossible to tell him he is doing something wrong, or skill is lacking in one way or another.  He will tend to ignore advice given from others, which in turn limits his social interactions.

Kay, his companion
Since the day he found Kay and began to look after her, Koraein has developed a large connection with the animal. Such a connection is it, the<that he would be more than willing to sacrifice his life..or someone else..to keep her from harm.

Fisticuffs..not so much
Disarm Koraein of his weapon, and he is next to harmless. Being so confident in himself, he never thought to train in unarmed combat.

 
Anger
Koraein has a terrible anger problem. It doesn't take much for him to be blowing steam and if it gets bad enough, it can make him dangerous. On more than one occasion,(space)he had been so blind with rage,(space)he hurt himself, friends and foes alike. While this level of rage does in fact boost a minor increase to his pain tolerance and strength, it comes at a cost of reason and mercy. At times, this may also lead to him acting brash(comma) throwing common sense and skill out the window.

Judgmental
One of Koraeins biggest weaknesses is his quick "judgement<judging(?) by a book by its cover". A being dressed in rags or dark clothing would give him the impression of a thief or someone of ill intentions, white robes and a smile, a priest or being of Righteousness. More often then not,(space)it turns out to be the opposite,(space)and it has cost him to make the wrong friends...or none at all. With that in mind, this extends to the other races in Caelereth primarily because Koraein has not come in contact with any, so his views as a whole to anything BUT the human race is negative at best.

Cigars
He sure loves his cigars..but everyone knows,(space)smoking is bad for you. Elaborate a bit more on this, perhaps? You do know that, when someone smokes a cigar, it is for flavor alone. The people that are new to smoking cigars and actually inhale the smoke are the ones that you see vomiting after their first "drag". Cigars are for filling your mouth with smoke and then letting the smoke waft out of your mouth, so that you can 'taste' it. ^_^ Just letting you know. Perhaps cigars are different in Santharia. I'm not sure we even have cigars, actually...

Alcohol
Loves his drink..perhaps a bit too much. You'll need to elaborate on this a little bit more as well. What happens when he starts drinking? Is he drunk too often, and it hinders his skills? Is he a mean drunk? A sad drunk? A horny drunk?

                                                                 History
Koraein was born in the capitol city of Vardýnn, Voldar, to his father Thaelean Morach, and mother  Janthea Morach(Maiden Caniga), although Koraein ever met her. There were complications with the birth,and Janthea passed away a few hours after he was born,(space)never getting the chance to see her child. The family was well off, living in Middle-Class luxury. Thaelean made a living through blacksmithing for the capitol,(space)and a living it was. More often then not, the father would spoil Koraein with treats and nick-nacks he made while working,(space)but soon the extravagant living had to cease. The demand for repairs and craft grew, which made it more difficult to continue bringing his son to work, so he hired a nanny of sorts, a young girl by the name of Teah, to look after him while he was gone. The arrangement had worked out well enough, through the next few years nothing of great importance happened.

 At the age of eight, Koraein had started to show his interest in "swordplay", being so inquisitive of the guards and soldiers that passed by day to day, and found the hobby of swinging a broken branch at passerby's(space)(Which was absolutely hilarious to Koraein). One day, the start of Koraeins anger had shown when his father caught the act and took the branch away from him. He had clenched his fists so hard, he drew blood in his palms, and he screamed with such a high pitch,(space)that anyone nearby would cover their ears. His father had tried to calm him down, but nothing seemed to work, until Koraein managed a direct punch to Thaeleans nose, effectively breaking it. At that instant,(space)the child had calmed down,(space)seeing what he did. As the days went on, Koraein had also developed a large interest in his fathers craft in Blacksmithing, and, with permission of Teah, (Whom had now been living in the residence for quite some time,(remove comma) and managed to get some degree of control of the house,(space)considering Thaelean was gone most of the time) continued the tradition of going to work with his father.

"What's that red stuff papa!?" "Why are you hitting it so hard,(space)papa?!" "Can I try?!"

The most frequently asked question.."Can I try?!". It was Koraeins favourite, but the answer was always the same.

"When you can hold my hammer, and strike the metal,(space)you may."

Each and every time, Koraein would try,(space)but would be unable to lift it. It wasn't until five years later he completed the feat, and by that time, almost knew what he was doing on his own. He would help make axes, swords, spears and halberds, flail chains and spiked balls, crossbow joints and levers, chain mail surcoats and plate mail. Anything that had to do with metal,(space)he was there making it with Thaelean. On occasion, his fathers shop would be commissioned to smith weapons for the Armourwains apprentices and fellow Knights of the temple and its neighboring order and that is where Koraein found his new fascination and goal. When not working with his father, he would wander over to the temple to watch the young apprentices train, and admire the Knights that occupied the halls,(space)hoping one day he could join them. His chance was given to him the next day. A loud call had been made, gathering the children and young men(Teenagers) to petition for a spot as apprentices. Out of the potential two hundred candidates, only two dozen would make it in. The challenge was a tournament and the top twenty-four victors were picked. Koraein placed thirty-fourth. He hung his head in shame and anger and returned home. There would not be another calling for apprentices for three long years. It had put a large blow to his ego and social life. He rarely left his home,(space)not even to go to "work". After half a year of skulking he simply gave up his goal, admitting he would never stand up to such a noble cause. Who would train a ten year old swordsmanship? His father could only CRAFT such a thing, not swing it. The guardsmen never had time, and the Barracks only trained students at least sixteen years of age, but the day dawned again.

 Age fifteen. He swallowed his pride and signed up once more. This is it. He had to make it this year. No more losing. This is it. He won his way up the ladder. 134th.65th.34th.12th.3rd.....FIRST. The last "battle" was the hardest, most nerve racking experience Koraein had ever been through. By the end of it, his heart was racing and his thoughts were a big jumble. He had done it. Several minutes after the competition, he was brought over with the twenty-three other finalists to secure his placement. He had one week to spend as he pleased. After this, there was no turning back...and would not be permitted to leave.

Koraein took this week to set a new goal for himself.

Make a suitable sword.

It took a good day to forge the blade itself, heating and shaping, heating and shaping. Koraein did most of the work(What HE thought was most of the work.) and his father stood by to observe. The next day,(space)Koraein and his father hired a wood worker to form the pommel,(space)hilt and guard of the sword. Koraein decided the design should be of a lion, to boast his courage and wisdom(Child thinking at its best). Over the course of three days, the piece was delivered and the two set to work,fitting it to the blade. The hilt was wrapped and sealed with a soft leather, and Thaelean fitted a small Oontrom inside the lions mouth. The blade was finished.

"This is a great sword,(space)my son. A lot of sweat and blood went into making this. I'm proud of you." He had said. "When you have passed your tests and are a true warrior, it will be here waiting for you."

The time came for his first day as a trainee. He was excited, but also terrified, as he knew for the next nine years, he would not see his family. The training consisted of three years instruction of combat and etiquette within the Order of Armeros building, which included melee tactics, stances, defensive moves, Archery<archery as well as armor conditioning and proper speech craft and other minor details any Knight SHOULD know. The last six years,(space)after being appointed by an elder, one must wander to learn the path of a Knight of Armeros. Once accomplished, and approved of an elder once returning, the Knight in question will be full fledged after one night of prayer.

 While the majourity of the trainees focused on one or two types of fighting styles(Sword, bow or crossbow,ax ect), Koraein had trained in the use of four: Sword, Bow, Crossbow and Throwing weapons, as well as becoming sufficiently experienced with heavy armor(By the end of his training,of course). In between sessions,(space)and on his spare time, Koraein would craft nick-nacks and the like to keep up his smithing abilities. After the three years, his time had come and he was appointed to an elder.

 For the long six years,(space)the elder had taught Koraein all about Balance; the key concept to Armeros role and influence in Caelereth, as well as further instructions with attack, defense and horseback riding.

"Stay on the path of right,the good, and look to Armeros for guidance. Maintain balance with all things, and your road shall be clear."

 He returned with the elder, was granted his knighthood, his own personal steed and recited the battle prayer for one full day.

"Armeros Armourlord, lend us thy armour’s ward,
Give us the strength of the Truth-Splitter’s blade!
Keep our lifetales from thy measuring scales,
And we give thee praise that thy glory not fade.

Armeros come, as we summon with drum!
Trumpet and heartbeat shall bring thee to hear.
In the red battle’s call save us from dying fall,
And from the little death cowards call fear.

Armeros ware if our cause be not fair!
Send out thy vipers to strike at our foes.
Let them taste earth in their death as their birth,
Confident warriors are we for thy blows.

Armeros Battleking, ‘tis to thee we do sing,
Fighting thy causes wherever we roam.
Shrinepoppets bright we shall honour each night,
Bless thou our amulets, bring them all home.

Armeros Armourlord, lend us thy armour’s ward,
Give us the strength of the Truth-Splitter’s blade!
Keep our lifetales from thy measuring scales,
And we give thee praise that thy glory not fade."

 When he recited the last verse of the prayer(After hundreds of times),(space)he had opened his eyes..and there in front of him was his sword,(space)wrapped in a silk cloth. He was bewildered. He quickly left the temple to find his father...his heart stopped. The house he had been born in...every childhood memory(Up until he was 15,(space)of course) he had experienced there..was gone. He dropped to his knees and wept. His father had passed on two years before from a violent fire that had trapped him inside,(space)and consumed the home and everything in it. Teah had been missing the day before.

 From that moment on, Koraein truly believed his fathers spirit had kept its promise, and in his honor,(space)named the sword after his him<his or him? which is it? and vowed to fight in his name.(space)Over the course of a few days,(space)he fashioned himself a set of armor(Explained in Clothing section) and etched his Orders crest onto it,(space)as well as onto his sword. He then set off to wander.

 Within the first year of his "pursuit for justice", Koraein had picked up two habits: Cigar smoking, and Alcohol. Every waking moment,(space)he would be seen puffing on a cigar, or chugging from his hip flask. Or both. Within all this, he picked up a small knack for Herbalism, through experimentation, and grew to know about the different flora that grew about the land. He also experimented in Alchemy lightly.

 Today, he still wanders the land,(space)fighting for good, puffing his cigars, chugging his alcohol and making sure Kay doesn't get into any trouble.(Familiar explained below.)

                                                               Weapons
Double-Edged Gladius(Thaelean)
A 1 Fore, 2 Palmspans, 7 Nailsbreadths, 3 Grain long,(space)double-edged blade Koraein had forged with his father when he was a child and it was properly named after Thaelean(Father). It was given to him upon full Knighthood in the Order of Ameros. The pommel and hilt depicts a lions head, with a small Oontrom in its mouth. The guard of the sword is a lions claw "holding" the blade. Along the center, a 1 Nailsbreadth, 1 Grain blood groove is etched to the tip, aswel as his Orders crest, 2 Nailsbreadths, 2 Grains above the guard.

1 Palmspan, 5 Nailsbreadths, 1 Grain long Throwing Knives x5
Simple throwing knives of Koraeins design, the blades are stained brown, due to the fact of him retrieving each one after a kill.

1 Palmspan, 7 Nailsbreadths, 3 Grains long Stiletto
Simple thrusting dagger, it is his secondary weapon. Same design as Thaelean,(space)only no Oontrom.

Standard sized Crossbow(Hand drawn, not mechanically wound)
Generic crossbow design, hair pull trigger,(space)hand drawn string.

Ten Bolts
Ammunition for the crossbow. Tips are broad head for armor piercing, and barbed for maximum damage.

                                                            Belongings

Herb Pouch
1 Palmspan, 2 Nailsbreadths, 3 Grains wide pouch used to store harvested herbs. Situated on belt, left of cigar pouch.

Potion "Rack"
A series of five loops situated on Koraeins belt to hold potion vials.

Knife Bandolier
Belt of leather slung over the front of Koraeins chest. Holds five knives.

Gladius Sheath
Light sheath made of wood,wrapped in thin leather. Sits on left side of belt.

Stiletto Sheath
Same design as Gladius sheath. Sits on right side of belt.

Bolt Quiver
Holds crossbow bolts. Attached to his Knapsack, right side.

Blacksmiths Hammer
Previously owned by his father, it is the only hammer he will use. Located in a belt loop beside Gladius.

Cigar Pouch
Holds his precious. Sits on belt, over top buckle.

Armeros Kite Shield
Roughly half the size of Koraein. The front depicts his Orders crest and is colored light brown, similar to armor. It has a 2 Nailsbreadths, 2 Grains thick plate cover with a 3 Grain thick wood backing. Either strapped to Koraeins left arm, or attached to Knapsack.

Knapsack
Holds the items Koraein doesn't feel like holding.(Mostly contains blacksmithing items,(space)such as tongs,(space)knives,(space)whet stones etc.) Has a flap to hold his Crossbow,(space) on theleft side.

Five vials of blood clot agents
Potions used to help clot bleeding wounds. Stored in Potion "Rack". What?

                                                             Familiar One
Gender: Female

Animal: Wolf

Name: Kay

Age: 4

Height: 1 Fore, 2 Palmspans, 7 Nailsbreadths, 3 Grains high, 1 Ped, 1 Fore, 1 Palmspan, 9 Nailsbreadth long.(From tip of tail,to end of muzzle)

Weight: 8 Hebs, 1 Od, 7 Mut

Appearance
Kay has an almost pure Cyhalloian Snow colored fur with a noticeable trail of Cinnabrown trailing from her back,(space)to the tip of her tail. Her ears a pointed, similar to a triangle and have the same Cinnabrown tint at the tips. Her left eye is colored Xazure,(space)while her right is colored Sognastheen. Her muzzle is slender with Snow colored teeth, and a Nor'sidian nose.(Think of her as a big,(space)fluffy white husy<hussy but with wolf features.)

History
Two years left in his training,(space)Koraein came across this little pup. She had been caught in a trap of sorts, and it was apparent her parents left her to die. At first, he thought the little wolfling was dead, as she was unconscious, but with further examination, he found that to be false. Within a few minutes, the trap was disarmed and Koraein began to tend to her wound as best as he could. Her leg was broken, and the wound partially infected with being open for so long. He applied Yahrle paste to it, alongside a touch of alcohol and a makeshift splint and hoped for the best. About an hour later, having passed out leaning on a tree, Koraein felt something tugging at his chestplate strap. The little wolfling was growling and snarling loudly as she pulled on the strap, its tail wagging a million  Stral, 6 Dashes, 9 Peds, 2 Palmspans, 9 Nailsbreadths, 4 Grains(1 mile hah) fast. He grinned as he outstretched his hand and she ran up to it and nipped at him. He decided to call her Kay. Nearing the end of the night,(space)Kay had gotten used to him as she climbed into his folded arms,(space)licked his face once and fell asleep.

 Kay,now in the present, follows close by in the "pursuit of justice" always within a reasonable distance of Koraein. Wherever he goes,(space)she goes and wherever she goes,(space)he goes. There is no splitting them up.

Familiar Two

Name: Zeke

Animal: Destrier Horse

Gender: Male

Age: 7

Height: 1 Ped, 1 Fore, 2 Palmspans, 9 Nailsbreadths, 1 Grain.

Weight: 16 Pygges, 5 Hebs.

Appearance: Zeke is a pure Nor'sidian Destrier, with the exception of a snow colored patch around his left eye, and Barsa Dusk hair on the lower portions of his legs, mane and tail.

History: Koraein received this beautiful steed the day he returned from his six year wander. Considering Zeke had already been broken and trained as a warhorse, it was fairly easy for Koraein to gain the young horses trust and the ability to command the horse as he needed. To this current day, Zeke can be seen carrying his rider throughout the land.


That's all! Good luck on getting approved, I hope it's a speedy process! ^_^

Bobspeed
heart ~ Nox ~ heart
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Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
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Gender: Male
Posts: 104


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2012, 06:36:17 AM »

Mmmkay, thank you Nox! All fixed. Added the weapons as their own strengths, aswell as fixed the spacing problem. I'm not to sure else what to add :P
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"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Alýr (Rayne)
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2051



« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2012, 11:04:01 AM »

"judging by a book by its cover". - "judging a book by its cover

Take time to integrate the comments given, rather than copy-pasting. I notice a lot of "(space)"s in your text. Take a good, close read-through of your CD. Keep in mind that, when storymods and potential story-mates read your CD, they're not just learning about who your character is, but also about your particular writing style as a player. First impressions mean a lot!--so try not to rush too much.  ;)
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Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
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Gender: Male
Posts: 104


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2012, 11:10:48 AM »

True enough, I know all to well about that :P I'm just so anxoius to get started, I already found an interest in one of the stories here, and Tak has a way of bringing me in. I agree fully though, I need to not rush as much. There are no more (space)'s and it is now "judging a book by its cover".
« Last Edit: May 29, 2012, 11:11:45 AM by Koraein Morach » Logged

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« Reply #14 on: May 29, 2012, 12:04:35 PM »

Quote
I know all too well about that

I know you're eager--but the story will be there, and moves at a moderate pace! Slow down and take the time to make sure you do it right! Make sure there are spaces after all your commas: I still see places where you're missing a space. I'm not going to tell you where they are; I want you to find them by reading through your CD very carefully. Consider it a test in proof-reading!  ;)
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