* 
Welcome Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?


*
gfxgfx Home Forum Help Search Calendar Login Register   gfxgfx
gfx gfx
gfx
Embed Maximize


Newbies, read these!

Character Creation
FAQs
Restrictions

Main Site
Portraits
Rules
Story Creation
Racial Crossbreeding
Magic

Contact
Tips and Tricks
IRC Chat
Measures Converter
Elven Aging Calculator
Pages: 1 [2]   Go Down
Print
Author Topic: Koraein Morach/Erpheronian/Knight of Armeros  (Read 5824 times)
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 104


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #15 on: May 29, 2012, 01:23:57 PM »

Aww shucks, got me again. Too* xD Getting on it right now.
Logged

"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Alýr (Rayne)
Dreamress
CD Mod
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 2051



« Reply #16 on: May 29, 2012, 01:51:22 PM »

Let me know when you're finished and we'll give it another look.  ;)  Take your time! There's no rush.
Logged

      
Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 104


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #17 on: May 29, 2012, 01:52:43 PM »

All donezies. ^-^
Logged

"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Tak
Pyro-Geologist
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 307

Gnome, Golgnome


« Reply #18 on: May 30, 2012, 01:50:49 AM »

Hello again Koraein!

I have been asked to address some issues the CD mods have about some of your history.  I’ll be doing a full review of your CD as well since I’m here ;)

Here’s what I think needs some work:

Smithing skill – Your character has about two years of experience as a smith (Maybe three at the most).  I don’t see how he could both forge his own sword within a week, and then 6 years later forge a suit of armor.  These aren’t just two different skill sets; each of them would generally require an apprenticeship of about 7 years. 

Personally, I’d change the smithing skill to something like this:
Blacksmith’s Son – Since he was a child, Koraein had been working with metals of all shapes and sizes. His father had been a blacksmith in Voldar and had instructed him in the craft. While Koraein cannot craft a useable suit of armor or a sword, he can spot a good blacksmith a mile away.

This issue with smiting brings us to your sword and armor. 

I’ve done some metal work in the past.  Crafting anything (much less a sword) is hard work, it takes years of experience and training and trial and error.  It stretches the imagination a bit that a kid who only has two or three years under his belt can craft a sword in a week, much less a sword that will last 10 years.

I’m fine with the kid trying to make it, but it would make much more sense for Koraein’s father to come out at night alone and work the steel all night long.  That way it makes sense that it lasted 10 years and how it got done so quickly.

For the armor, how about his father crafted him a set of armor for his graduation.  However, with the death of his father, Koraein could have met some of his father’s contacts who would do work in his father’s honor; mainly he could have known an engraver who would engrave his armor and sword.  (Again, Koraein would need to have some engraving experience, which is an entirely different beast than smithing, and very few smiths would be good at engraving)

Now, for some minor spelling and grammar:

Throughout your CD, you say “fathers” it should be “father’s” the apostrophe is possessive, without it Koraein has two fathers.  Same thing with lions vs. lion’s. 

More often then than not, he will put others before himself, and evil thoughts never cross his mind.
-   This same mistake was made in the Judgmental section.

History

Koraein was born in the capitol city of Vardýnn, Voldar, to his father Thaelean Morach, and mother  Janthea Morach (Maiden Caniga), although Koraein ever never met her. There were complications with the birth,(SPACE)and Janthea passed away a few hours after he was born, never getting the chance to see her child. The family was well off living in Middle-Class luxury. Thaelean made a living through blacksmithing for the capitol, and a living it was. More often then than not, the father would spoil Koraein with treats and nick-nacks he made while working, but soon the extravagant living had to cease. The demand for repairs and craft grew, which made it more difficult to continue bringing his son to work, so he hired a nanny of sorts, a young girl by the name of Teah, to look after him while he was gone. The arrangement had worked out well enough, through the next few years nothing of great importance happened.

Over the course of three days, the piece was delivered and the two set to work,(SPACE)fitting it to the blade.

Once accomplished, and approved of an elder once returning, the Knight in question will be full fledged full-fledged after one night of prayer.

While the majourity majority of the trainees focused on one or two types of fighting styles

"Stay on the path of right,(SPACE)the good, and look to Armeros for guidance. Maintain balance with all things, and your road shall be clear."

When he recited the last verse of the prayer (After hundreds of times), he had opened his eyesand there in front of him was his sword, wrapped in a silk cloth. He was bewildered. He quickly left the temple to find his father...his heart stopped. The house he had been born in...every childhood memory(Up until he was 15, of course) he had experienced therewas gone.

The pommel and hilt depicts a lions head, with a small oontrom in its mouth. The guard of the sword is a lions claw "holding" the blade.

Kay,(SPACE)now in the present, follows close by in the "pursuit of justice" always within a reasonable distance of Koraein.


Koraein,  most of these mistakes can be caught using a standard word processer before you post.  If you don’t have one I can point you to several decent free ones online.

I hope this puts you closer to getting approved!  Let us know if you have any questions/concerns/comments/complaints/ect.  grin
Logged


"There’s Nothing Worth Doing That Isn’t Worth Overdoing" - Tak "The Magnificent"
Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 104


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #19 on: May 30, 2012, 01:04:40 PM »

Changes are in red.
Logged

"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Tak
Pyro-Geologist
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 307

Gnome, Golgnome


« Reply #20 on: May 31, 2012, 12:27:32 AM »

Very well done.  No objections from me.  You have my approval  Thumb up  grin
Logged


"There’s Nothing Worth Doing That Isn’t Worth Overdoing" - Tak "The Magnificent"
Irid alMenie
Wolf-Lady
CD Mod
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 1178


Elf, Quaelhoirhim


« Reply #21 on: May 31, 2012, 12:31:56 AM »

And mine as well! congratulation on a VERY speedy approval  Thumb up I hope you'll enjoy playing!

I have just titled you, go ahead and remove the colour from your CD so that it can be moved down to the archives :)
Logged

Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.
Irid al'Menie
Koraein Morach
Knight of Armeros
Approved Character
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 104


Human, Erpheronian


« Reply #22 on: May 31, 2012, 12:48:19 AM »

Awesome! Thank you so much guys! A big thanks for your patience with me. The CD is removed of the color codes and is ready to be moved at your ready. ^-^
Logged

"Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day." - The Grey

"HEY! Don't touch my drink, or my cigar will have an unexpected visit to your EYE." - Koraein Morach, partially drunk.

"Man, I'm hungry. I'd give anything for a Fancy Lad. Wait! I mean- You know what I mean! - Kings' Gang Member, Fallout 3: New Vegas.
Pages: 1 [2]   Go Up
Print
Jump to:  

Recent Posts
[February 10, 2022, 09:09:05 PM]

[February 10, 2022, 09:07:54 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:03:43 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:03:25 PM]

[July 30, 2021, 06:01:01 PM]

[February 12, 2021, 07:16:33 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:51 AM]

[December 13, 2020, 12:16:21 AM]

[October 05, 2020, 02:58:40 PM]

[March 19, 2020, 03:47:44 AM]
Members
Total Members: 2849
Latest: abigailjordan
Stats
Total Posts: 214569
Total Topics: 8052
Online Today: 31
Online Ever: 216
(November 30, 2006, 09:08:03 AM)
Users Online
Users: 0
Guests: 28
Total: 28

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2005, Simple Machines
TinyPortal v0.9.8 © Bloc
Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
Theme based on Cerberus with Risen adjustments by Bloc and Krelia
Modified By Artimidor for The Santharian Dream
gfx
gfxgfx gfxgfx