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Author Topic: Landion Ohta'Raumo/ Tethinrhim/ Bowyer  (Read 13111 times)
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Landion Ohta'Raumo
Stoic Archer
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Elven, Tethinrhim


« Reply #15 on: July 24, 2012, 04:08:47 AM »

Corrections and additions in teal.

I've changed his "Literacy" strength to "Bi-lingual" and added "Benevolence" as a weakness.
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Malexia Vendu
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Human, Centoraurian


« Reply #16 on: July 28, 2012, 12:41:26 AM »

Your weaknesses are not very elvish, as far as their philosophy goes. However, since such details are not formally in an entry, you can't be held accountable for it necessarily. Elves view death as nothing more than a part of life. Death is not an ending, it is a continuation of the Dream. Elves do not view death, depression, grief and loss as humans do. Instead, an elf knows that a passing loved one is something else entirely, as their life continues in another way.

Despite that, what I do know is that you a over-powered. Your weaknesses are quite inconsequential (especially lactose intolerance, which I mentioned before) and benevolence is hardly a weakness imo. Bluntness is not an elven trait, but passable.

There are a few good elven CDs out there, I will have to find one that works.
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Landion Ohta'Raumo
Stoic Archer
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Elven, Tethinrhim


« Reply #17 on: July 28, 2012, 01:14:30 AM »

Alright, I removed his "Depression" and "Benevolence" weaknesses and added "Weak Shoulder" and "No Patience for Stupidity."

Hopefully he is a bit more balanced now?
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Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2012, 05:37:54 AM »

Not really,. It still doesn't work for me, the shoulder perhaps offsets the archery strength but the others I don't really see.

I am bumping some of the other mods to take a look.
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Irid alMenie
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Elf, Quaelhoirhim


« Reply #19 on: July 28, 2012, 06:07:41 AM »

I took a really quick look at just the S&W section and I have to agree with Malexia that you are overpowered - major strengths are fine to have, but you will need some major weaknesses to balance that. most of what you have in the weaknesses are not that major at all.

However, it is quite late and I really need to get to bed, and tomorrow will be a busy day, so I'll see if I can go into a little more detail for you when I get back on Sunday.
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Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus.
Irid al'Menie
Kelancey the Green
White Nehtorian/Dalorin
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« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2012, 01:58:22 AM »

Landion, be comforted and have patience with the knowledge that you are getting good feedback on your CD.  May I suggest some Weaknesses that might possibly counterbalance your Strengths?

  • Haunted:  Though you may not exactly know who is haunting you nor the reason why, you have bad luck at some critical moments in your life.  A bow cracks just as you are stringing it for a customer; an arrow catches in your quiver just when you are going for a killshot in a hunt; and so on.  Just how major this weakness is will depend on how well you role-play it.
  • Sleep-Ill Disease:  You fall asleep with any strong emotional response you feel, and you are paralyzed for a few moments until you wake up.  This happens routinely, at least once or more times daily.  You also sleep fitfully during the night, only getting fully restorative sleep perhaps one night in seven.
  • Slow to Heal:  You take two or three times as long as your comrades to heal, whether this be Sunblood condition, cuts, or whatever.  Further, if you ever contract a new disease, you are less likely to recover from any ill effects than another elf would.
  • Phantom Pain:  Something like a medieval version of fibromyalgia, you have good days and bad days, but you always have some form of pain.  Good days may consist of only feeling a mild headache plus some nausea.  Bad days can vary widely, from broken glass under your skin in all 4 limbs, to knife-like gut pains that last for hours or days, to exquisitely sensitive migraine that prohibits you from sleep for 5 consecutive days.  Of course, White Nehtorians will think you are simply crazy, and clerics will turn you away, saying that no one can do anything for you to ease your pain.

I'm not positive that these will work, but they are suggestions you might consider.  Good luck in your CD approval process!
« Last Edit: July 29, 2012, 01:58:37 AM by Kelancey the Green » Logged

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."  --Master Yoda
Kelancey the Green
Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels
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« Reply #21 on: July 29, 2012, 04:00:09 AM »

Hello Landion,

I fear, I cannot help you with your weakness/strength, for I think they are ok as they are now (with the weakened shoulder). I need to discuss this with Irid and Malexia, but I can help you with part of your history.

Quote
The pair traveled nearly nonstop, pausing for only a couple hours at a time to meditate and allow their horses to rest. When they reached the Saradon Forests they set up camp for the first time since leaving Auturian.

Sharadon
500 strals without rest?
(Comparison. Auturian Woods,
Greatest Length from Ruins of Ancient Sophronia to Sained Wood  ---> 593 strals )
No vist to Antiragon or Seraia?
No contact to the resident elves of the Sharadon, the Maeverhim? (even thouhg they will not come down on the ground)


 
Quote
Landion and his uncle sat together by the fire and Mahta entertained his nephew with stories of his and Grogrim's adventures. The unlikely pair met when Mahta saved the dwarf from the pincers of a Giant Spider in the Auturian Forest, though to this day Gorgrim will not admit to ever having needed to be saved. He had been traveling to the High Fores to visit a few distant relatives when he stumbled upon the spider. The two had been the closest of friends since that day.

"The night before Grogrim was suppose to marry, he fled the caves and after acquiring my companionship we traveled north." Mahta told his nephew with a grin. "We weren't going anywhere in particular, I believe that a dwarf such as him couldn't stand the idea of being tied down to anyone. He would venture from his home in the mountains yearly, which is really quite often for a dwarf." He stoked the embers of the fire, staring at the red flames with a look in his eyes that touched Landion.

"Please, Uncle, go on."

Quote
"We ventured all over Southern Sarvonia, slaying beasts and exploring caves and passages long ago forgotten. When Grogrim returned home several years later, his dwarven woman had married another. He wasn't surprised, you see, dwarven men outnumber dwarven women by quite a lot and when a dwarven man decides he wants to marry he must choose a woman quickly before another gets to her first."
Quote
For two more nights they tended camp, hunting for food during the day and laughing over Mahtas stories at night. When they finally moved on and exited the forest towards the Narfost Plain, they came across a Shendar merchant caravan being attacked by a group of bandits.
Quote
"Shall we intervene, Landion?" His uncle asked him.

As an answer he pulled his Longbow from over his shoulder and notched an arrow in the string, pulling back until the bow was fully drawn.

"There's your sense of adventure, young one. I was beginning to wonder when I would see it." Mahta said, similarly notching an arrow in his bow and drawing it back.

The two released the arrows at the same time and watched with satisfaction when they sank into the flesh of their targets.  With seven more bandits to go, the elven duo wasted no time notching more arrows and letting them fly. The bandits charged and two more were felled. Mahta had time to fire one more arrow before the remaining four were upon them. He dispatched with the first one quickly, throwing a small dagger into the mans neck. While he was busy countering an attack from the other bandit, the two that were left went for Landion.

Dropping his bow to the ground, Landion simultaneously rushed to meet his attackers and drew the twin sabres from their sheaths on his back. He brought his left arm up to deflect the wide sweep of his opponents sword, the two blades coming together in a shower of sparks. With his right arm he drove the other blade into the mans gut right up to the hilt. Retracting his sword he gave the man a kick to the chest and leaped over him as he fell onto his back. The last man brought his sword down in an arching motion from over his head. Bringing the to sabres together he caught the mans blade between his own. The man was strong but his arms were shaking visibly and it wasn't difficult for Landion to bring the blades of his swords together and twist his enemy's weapon away from him.

Hmm for being "moderate at best" you are quite good, aren't you? I don't understand muhc of a fight, but it seems to me, you are much stronger here with your swordplay than in your description above.
Quote
Unarmed and finding himself alone, the man fell to his knees and begged Landion to have mercy. Landion let him go, without his sword, and he fled into the forest. The Shendar merchants were grateful and showed their appreciation by bestowing upon them some of their prized jewelry. The elven men kept only a few choice pieces, not ones to covet material possessions.

Errm, no. There is no such thing like unarmed Shendar merchants. Let's assume there is a caravan of akapis through the Narfost along the Sharadon and let's assume there is a group of bandits who are not eliminated by the Maeverhim and let's assume, they outnumber the Shendar, then you two might help to slay these bandits, but not more. Every Shendar on the move, be it man or woman, knows how to defend himself and will surely have no problem with a group which has twice as many men than there are Shendar. Alone each aij'nuvic will trample one down before he even can draw his sword. So the shendar might thank you for your help, but not much more. They are proud and even if they might have come into trouble without you, they might not accept it. They might invite you to a meal, if they are in no hurry, or offer to help you to a safe journey to Bardavos, but not more.

Quote
The rest of their journey was rather eventful but the heat of the Ráhaz-Dáth desert could be suffocating at times. As it turned out, their travels were cut short when they came across Grogrim in Uderza. He had been living amongst the Shendar for several weeks now and the reason became obvious immediately. His eyes were filmy and bulging, and his movements seemed slow and pained. He was entering his Stone-Turning here in the desert and Mahta felt for him.

I wonder, why he has not tried to get home in time to his tribe?

Quote
"We much get him back to the Mithral Mountains immediately." Mahta said to his nephew. "He will pass soon and there is much that he still needs to take care of."

They moved as quickly as Grogrims condition would allow them too and they came upon the mountains sooner than expected. Mahta accompanied his long time friend into the mountains, leaving Landion camped at the foot of them. At little over a month went by before his uncle emerged. He didn't speak a word but his eyes said everything. Landion could not imagine how desolated his uncle must feel to see a friendship almost two hundred years old end soon suddenly. His uncle returned to their people in the Auturian Forest but Landion, having had his first taste of adventure, was not quite ready to go home.

I do not feel very well with this part. A dead dwarf needs to be thrown in a lava pool or a very deep cervace, is carried in the deepest part of the dwarven settlement. Even if we assume, that stone-turning came to him very suddenly, it isn't very satisfying. Why is this part so important for your life? Did you tell it, because it had a great impact on the  way you perceive your life? Don't misunderstand me, it is a nice story, but somehow not your story...

Enough for now.

A last idea I had concerning your weaknesses. It might be fitting, if you had a kind of obsession - to keep your clothes and your whole self always as neat as possible. No leaf, nothing should touch you, no bang of hair be in disorder. Your description of your char inspired me.. You could come in severe troubles, if you play that out! Might be interesting and would be stuff for many verbal fights with your companions.

 
« Last Edit: July 29, 2012, 04:02:20 AM by Ta'lia of the Seven Jewels » Logged
Malexia Vendu
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« Reply #22 on: July 30, 2012, 11:50:43 PM »

I think Kelancey has good weaknesses to consider using.

Be patient. We want you to have the best character possible for you, and we wouldn't be picky if we didn't think Landion has potential.  Pet
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Alýr (Rayne)
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« Reply #23 on: August 30, 2012, 11:43:09 AM »

 A lot of people have mentioned a lot of small changes; I am not so picky. I think this is a perfectly suitable character as written. The details are only details, and bare little to no influence upon your future RPing here. I will say that an elf who falls in love with a human is rather unusual; however, that you have, overall, done a brilliant job of imbuing your character with elven nature convinces me to allow the exception. I really do like what you've done to make your elf not simple a human with pointy ears. The one slightly unelven-like characteristic I saw was actually in your appearance section:

"The soft locks, he feels, are his crowning glory and treats them as such, keeping the ends trimmed to a length just above his shoulder blades and cuts the bangs to frame his face. Frequently he will coat the silken mass in oils so that it retains its texture and strength." : Try as I might, I can see no reason for such narcissism! It's not an elven attribute (appreciation of natural beauty is a characteristic of elves, but not to the detriment of pragmaticism. Elves may value their beauty, but probably not to the degree.

If that can be cleared up, this has my approval. I also want to note that you have a beautifully clear writing style. Your CD was truly a pleasure to read.
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Landion Ohta'Raumo
Stoic Archer
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Elven, Tethinrhim


« Reply #24 on: September 02, 2012, 04:48:36 AM »

Thanks Rayne! I've altered the part that you referenced.
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Leif Terskun
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« Reply #25 on: September 02, 2012, 07:32:54 AM »

I like what I've seen, and I trust Rayne implicitly as to the rest, but unless it's a particularly obscure construction I would say that "sock locks" is not quite the mot juste in your correction.

Looking forward to seeing this one in a story!
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Leif Terskun
Deklitch Hardin
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« Reply #26 on: September 02, 2012, 10:24:35 PM »

I glance here occasionally, and when I saw Arthyrón in your subject line as your elven tribe, I thought yay, a Blessed Sea Elf. However, at the top of your actual CD, in red, you have Tethinrhim as your tribe. Would you mind correcting either your subject line or the line in your CD to the correct tribe, please?

With Rayne working with you, I'm sure you will be approved sooner rather than later, Landion.

Dek
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Seeking the truth, whatever the cost! - Deklitch Hardin, Elf Friend
Landion Ohta'Raumo
Stoic Archer
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Elven, Tethinrhim


« Reply #27 on: September 05, 2012, 09:34:23 PM »

Thanks for the comments!

Corrections made.
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Landion Ohta'Raumo
Stoic Archer
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Elven, Tethinrhim


« Reply #28 on: September 18, 2012, 09:12:02 PM »

Comments, please?
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Alýr (Rayne)
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« Reply #29 on: September 18, 2012, 09:37:21 PM »

I grant first approval.  Thumb up  Hopefully someone will be along soon to either give you an approval or provide more comments. If you don't receive any comments/approvals in the next few days, please post again! You shouldn't have to wait any longer than you have!

Thank you for being so patient.  heart
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