Santharian Development

Santharian World Development => The Santharian Library => Topic started by: Mahvalan the VIII on 25 April 2007, 08:10:15

Title: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 25 April 2007, 08:10:15
The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis Green Eye Gem; may need help with Styrsh wording

Prologue: A Winter's Night

Scl Quickfingers sniffed the night air. He smelled sulfur, although why, he did not know. He carefully walked along the wall of the manor. The manor of a noble. A very rich noble. Scl figured, if he made this robbery, he was going to be living the good life.

His mind thought back to an evening a week before. A mage had come to him, looking for his services. The mage introduced himself as Saldar Flametouched. Even Scl could feel an "aura" of power emanating from Saldar. Scl doubted that was the mage's real name. No one used their real name when they needed his services. The mage had worn dark red - nearly the color of dried blood - robes. A hood was over his head, and he wore gloves. Scal had seen no skin. All mages were very powerful these days, especially since some started claiming the blessings of the gods. Scal shook himself. "I need to keep focused on the job." he said to himself. I have been thinking that the time period of the prologue would be the War of the Chosen. The rest of the story will be in present day-near future.

Scl was a freelance thief. He specialized in high profile robberies. It was a dangerous job, but he had never been caught. A unique thing about him was that he ws not tied to a Thief's Guild. If you could contact him, there was less of a chance of you being traced back from the job. Scal figured being freelance would hurt him eventually, but with this job, there would be no more work needed.

The mage had described the jewel Scl was to steal very clearly, and with awe. It was apparently a large emerald mounted on a white field of enamelThere is enamel in Santharia, right?. The whole amulet was hung on a chain of silver. Saldar had also said that anything else Scl took, he could keep.

"All I want," the mage had said, "is the Rhne'el'mis. Bring it to me, or don't bother coming to me at all, if you value your skin."

At the memory of that bone-chilling voice, Scl shivered. He reached for his poisoned dagger. The poison was so lethal, one scratch was death. The poison was the venom of the Rahaz-Dath sand viper, and getting the poison was very difficult, but worth it. Scl stealthily climbed up the walls and slipped into the courtyard. He landed with a quiet thump. His padded leather shoes made for a soft landing. And on the other side of the courtyard was two guards, talking. Scal froze, then slowly began creeping along the walls, his black clothes masking him in the darkness.

The courtyard was old, very old. It was of a faded sandstone tile, with loose chunks coming up arond the edges of each large tile, and from near the wall especially. At the center was an obelisk. The obelisk stretched higher than the torchlight that encompassed the courtyard allowed Scal to see. It was of a black stone that made it all the more ominous. The flame's reflection flickered and danced upon the stone, allowing Scal to see carved runes. The surface had a dull sheen that made his skin shiver. Shuddering involuntarily, Scal continued to creep along the edge of the courtyard.

Right when Scal reached a side door that would take him in, A guard walked out of it. Scal quickly grabbed his dagger and slit the guard's throat. He caught the guard and slowly lowered him to the ground. The guard's armor clinked softly as the body touched the ground. Winceing, Scal froze as two guards ran over at the noise.

"What was that?" Said one. From the shadows, Scal picked up a loose piece of tile, and chucked it. An amateur's trick, but it worked. They went after the noise, and Scal entered the manor. He found himself in a large pantry, with a ceiling just high enough he could stand in. He crept out of the pantry, and ducked back in as a cook walked past, preparing for the noble's breakfast.

After the cook passed into the pantry, Scal took off, his padded feet making virtually no noise on the cool sandstone floor. Saldar had told him that the noble's treasure room was on the fifth floor. Since not many people were awake yet, he was able to sneak up to the second floor. It appeared to be servant's quarters. Scal creeped into an empty room, and stole some clothes from a closet. He then put them on so that he would look more in place. He kept his thieving equipment with him, concealed as best as possible beneath the shabby garments.

A light emanated from the end of the hall. Scal went toward it, and found it to be a balcony over the courtyard. The dead guard had apparently not been found yet. As he looked up, Scal saw another building on the grounds. This one was larger, and had a tower rising from the top. From the levels of windows, the tower appeared to be five floors up.

"Blast! I'm in the wrong building." Scal muttered to himself. In the dark, he had went into the servant's quarters instead of the manor. Then he saw another wall. This one was not very much higher up than he was already. Realizing that he could climb up to it, and then try to walk along it to the manor's roof, and from there up the tower, Scal took out a rope. It was about as thick as his finger, and hopefully just long enough to reach the top. At one end it had a bent piece of metal with four prongs.

With a grunt, Scal launched the grappling hook up the side of the servant's house. It overshot the side of the roof, but it slid down and stuck on a statue. Scal swiftly began to climb.

Suddenly a horn went off, a high pitched sound that pierced the night. "The alarm! They must have found the body." gasped Scal. Then he shook his head and said, "I need to keep moving, quick."

Once he reached the roof, he went across to the wall and began to dash across it. His philosophy with heights was, "If you run, it goes faster, and if you fall, you fall faster, and therefore it hurts less. Hopefully." He had never fallen and did not plan to.

A piece of stone was sent flying by Scal's feet as he ran along the wall. The wall was easily twice or three times as thick as he was, but as he ran, it seemed to get skinnier. There were no battlements on this wall, being intended to just be strong and not give enemies who could possibly scale it any cover.

"Hey! Up there! Look, Sorven, you half-wit's son!" came the cry of a guard. suddenly two guards came running toward Scal. "Get down from there, or else we'll shoot!" One of the guards had drawn a crossbow, and was clumsily loading the weapon.

"Pig turds!" Scal swore. he had made it across the wall to the roof of the manor. With ease from practice, Scal got out his grappling hook and swung it upward toward the dark window of the tower. He missed. At that moment the guard shot the bolt.

The bolt shot upward toward Scal. Either by some wayward gust of wind or sheer luck, the bolt barely grazed Scal. "I won't be that lucky again." Scal muttered. He swung the grappling hook again, and this time suceeded in hooking onto the window. He quickly scaled the tower.

From the top, he heard the guards rush off. "Hey, you! Get inside and up into the tower! Someone just went up!"

"Shut it Orlven! I saw you guzzling down ale at the tavern this afternoon. You're as drunk as a doorknob! Go back to sleep and leave us to the guarding."

"That's it! I'll go get the thief myself!" remarked the staggering guard. He ran off into the manor house, making as much racket as a swarm of wasps in a crowd of children. Anyone know of any santharian-esque elephant analogies that would work for this? Mine is kinda wordy.

"Argh!"exclaimed one of the other guards. "That drunk fool will get us all in trouble with the master. Let's go get him before he does too much trouble..."

Scal turned away from the window to examine the room. "Yes!" cried out Scal. "This is it, the treasure room!" He took out a vial of aceed. He almost always kept a vial of it on him. He found that it paid to have a way to burn through a troublesome lock when pressed for time.

He poured a bit of aceed into a chest in the middle of the room. It was the largest one, and had heavy steel bands around it. Once the aceed burned through the lock, leaving an acrid smell, Scal gingerly opened the chest.

Inside was a wondrous amulet. It hung on a chain that appeared to be silver, but was refused to be broken when Scal tried to snap the amulet off the chain. "Mithril!" Scal murmured appreciatively. If someone would spend the money to buy a chain of mithril for the amulet, the amulet must be valuble indeed. The amulet itself based upon a plate of gold. It shimmered brightly, bringing light to the room. White enamel covered most of the plate. The enamel was covered in cryptic Styrash runes, the meaning of which Scal could only assume was occult. However, the center of the jewel was what captivated all who looked upon it. It was an emerald, the size of a child's fist. It seemed to glow with the light of intelligence. There was one rune, in the very center of the amulet, that even Scal knew. The rune said, "POWER"

I am still working on Artimidor's comments and am fiddling with this until it suits me. Please feel free to still comment, though.

Two nights later, he met Saldar. "I have the Rhne'el'mis," Scal began. "Here it is." Scal reached under his tunic and pulled out the gem. It seemed to light the dark room of the tavern they were in. Saldar reached out, and snatched it as if Scal was going to run away with it at any time.

"Did you take anything else?" inquired Saldar. "I would like to see anything else you found, in intellectual curiousity, of course."

"No, I left them elsewhere." lied Scal. Scal had kept his treasures with him since he left the manor. He had been running since he left the manor. "I left them where you first hired me. But remember what you said, they are mine, as long as I live."

"Thank you for telling me where they are. Of course, I don't want anyone knowing I have this, so regretfully, I must eliminate you."

"What?" spluttered Scal. "You scheming pig!" Scal was so flustered he forgot to have any sort of reaction. Can anyone think of any more good santharian insults?

"I am truly sorry for this. Goodbye, and thank you for giving me  the potential utter control of Aer'aei'chan!" Saldar began chanting words in Styrash, as much magic is said in it. Scal began to loose his hold on life, and blacked out before the spell was finished.

I cannot find the paragraph where Capher mentioned a spelling change. Where is it?

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 25 April 2007, 08:13:56
I'm not entirely sure how long this will be, probably several segments. This is my first bit of Santharian writing, so I'm sure I will have mistakes. This is just the Prologue, but I have an idea of what I am going to do.

Any help will be greatly appreciated.

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue
Post by: Trelstahl on 25 April 2007, 11:05:34
Hi Mahvalan,

I bet it must be exciting to start writing a library entry - I know I'm looking forward to it.  Just a few comments - right now your Prologue is quite short, and missing a few details that leave the reader wondering a few things.

1. Why does he smell sulphur?  If the reason isn't immediately obvious I expect Scal would be curious about its origin.

2. What does this manor house look like?  If it belongs to a wealthy nobleman, then describe the high wall that might surround the place, or the opulent gardens and statuaries in the landscape.  All that sort of stuff that show a place belongs to a wealthy person, rather than telling us that his mark is wealthy.

3. If Scal is a freelancer, this could come back to 'bite him in the bottom' later on.  A Thieves' Guilds would not be too happy about Scal's activities if they were to learn about him, so this could be potential story fodder for you.

4. Scal gets in very quickly.  He may be very good at his job, but it would be more interesting to the reader to show how he enters the manor.  For example, perhaps he scales a wall to a precarious 3" ledge, balances along the ledge to a small window, narrowly evades the guards who are making their rounds of the property, and then .....  My point is, in story writing - show how your characters succeed (or fail).

I will look for spelling and grammar a little later.

Have fun!


Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue
Post by: Takr Salenr on 25 April 2007, 16:03:20
Trel, I  like your comment!  Would not have thought of it.

Mah - santharise it!  Maybe you fins a poison/herb  which would meet your needs. I remember there was a thread somewhere called Poisons of Santharia..

Or tell us more how your thief looks like - from what for tribe or town he was . and the mage, was he from Ximax?

Where does all happen?

The names are nice, but maybeuse at least partly Santharian ones? The newly created once of Avennoria?

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 26 April 2007, 06:08:44
@Trelstahl: I haven't finished the prologue yet. Obviously, or so I thought. I was cruising the library section, and just got an idea, and then posted it before I forgot. Yes, Scal is going to get bitten later. Very hard. Very, very, very hard. I don't entirely have a sort of nepotism to my characters.

"Let's see now... who will I kill in the Prologue?" *Starts counting, and runs out of fingers, thumbs, and other body parts* :P heh...

I was wondering if I could get more of the idea down before I start editing it. To me, at least, this is the bare beginning of the story. Anyway, I might as well add some more...

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Capher on 26 April 2007, 23:51:45
Mah- The comments made by others I agree with but I would like to add something for you to think about as you make your revision. I always have had a problem with, either in stories or in RP playing, of a character that can jump in front of guards and no matter how softly you land, not get caught or seen; unless the guards were some distance away, which then you need to say how far away.

The rock throwing trick has me questioning, where did he find a rock on smooth stone, and then there is the guard your character kills. Would his body not be found, especially when the other guards come running your way?

Now I hope I did not crush you because I think your conceptualization of your story is very good. You have a renagade thief (probably trying to stay one step ahead of the local thieves guild who would love to either kill you or force you to pay them their percentage plus interest) hired by a mysterious mage who wants a gem but did not pay him upfront, just teases him with the promise of riches untold that he can keep after he finds and steals the gem. (What would your character do if the only thing he found was the gem? Perhaps there were no other gems or jewlery?) just fodder for your story. I eagerly await your revision's and the continuing of your story.

BTW a prologue can be as short as a paragraph or two or as long a few pages. I would reread the rules of an library entry and perhaps if you just worked on the teaser it would help solidify in your mind and on paper your characters, plot, and theme of your story.

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 27 April 2007, 10:12:33
I'm trying not to give away too much of the plot here, but here's my reason for the longish prologue:

First of all, I'm gonna do the whole robbery in the prologue. NOw, you may be thinking I'm a quack and that this is gonna be really long, but in my mind Scal is not the main character. I will have some other character who is main, I'm just using Scal for the robbery. I'm thinking he'll probably turn up later.

@Capher: I'll try to take your comments in, but I'm not sure how to make it more realistic, mainly due to my lack of knowledge of the Santharian world still. I would welcome help, as this is not the hugest thingermadoodle in the story. The prologue could easily be helpful to me in helping with familiarizing myself with the Library and other stuff. And no, you have not entirely crushed me, just pummeled me heavily, stole all the sans I had, and left me in the dust.

Thanks for the help, and I'll go add a bit to the story, and look again at the making library entrys stuff.

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 28 April 2007, 11:42:02
Ok, I have finished the prologue! Whoo-hoo!

Alrighty then! Time for comments! I'm finished and ready!

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 28 April 2007, 22:40:40
Okay, I got a poison from that is listed as extremely lethal in the Poisons of Caelereth thread.

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Capher on 02 May 2007, 01:29:30
Mah- I like it. You create a very credible scene. I think there is somewhere in the compendium a place where there are some oath's that are Santharian.  I only saw one spelling error, son instead of sun, and I believe that there are some very deadly herbs that could be used in combination to make an acid. I may be wrong there, but it is possible.

All in all I look forward to reading more.  Tis a shame that the young lad had to die, though. I liked his character, but that is what makes a good story; likeable, believable, and dislikable (if that is even a word) LOL

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhéneú'áel'miés; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Hylphn on 02 May 2007, 10:57:12
Great start!  It pulls you into the story from the very beginning, keeps you curious, and is just like the teasers at the beginning of a television show.  In most creative writing,  and research writing classes the professor will tell you that if you can't capture their attention and curiosity within the first page - they won't read it.  You have managed to do that very well.  I look forward to the rest of the story!

     One small thing though...
In the beginning the mage had described it as being on a GOLD chain, and when he finds it, he says it's just as the mage said - on a SILVER chain.
     Good writing though, keep it up!

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Trelstahl on 02 May 2007, 12:05:18
Hi Mahvalan,

You've really fleshed this out - nice work!  My main issue right now is how Saldar is able to kill Scal in such close quarters with a spell.  Scal is fast and thinks quickly - I expect that Saldar would have taken a few steps away from the thief before beginning his spell.  Otherwise, I bet Scal's dagger would be through Saldar's heart before the mage finished his incantation.


Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Bard Judith on 02 May 2007, 12:22:23
Teeny-tiny point:  'acid' is 'aceed' in Santharia.  I'm currently considering a revision of the gnomish language to provide us with some quasi-scientific terms that aren't available in styrash.

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 03 May 2007, 11:53:15
Wow! One call for help on the ShoutBox! and I get all these comments! Thank you immensely for the raving reviews! This is my first semi-published writing, so thanks for the awesome comments. I will integrate the comments tomorrow, since I am 14 and it is a school night, I cannot do it now. I am honored.

Spoiler Warning!!! (Sorta)

@ Capher: Scal is not dead. I will not say what has happened, but I wrote it to have the appearence of death. Just saying. He is not the main character either, but he is important.

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 04 May 2007, 08:52:41
Ok, I've added all the comments from Capher, Bard Judith, Hylph, and Trel. Thanks a million! I am ready fo rmore comments. Thank you once again!

I was wondering if it was okay to start writing the draft of Chapter One: From the Fields up on the site. I would leave it under the pencil until this is done. Thanks!

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Miraran Tehuriden on 05 May 2007, 04:08:55
Judith, we should collect these alternative spellings somewhere to make them accessible to everyone. It would be fun to have everyones entries in actual Tharian instead of that awfull dialect they call 'English'

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 10 May 2007, 04:49:50
A few comments:

- The tenses shift here in these sentences (and at the rest of the paragraph):

The mage introduced himself as Saldar Flametouched. [...] The mage had worn dark red - nearly the color of dried blood - robes. A hood was over his head, and he wore gloves. Scal had seen no skin.

Also later it should be "The mage had said".

- "a large emerald surrounded by white" - What is white?

- There are a bunch of little mistakes and misspellings, maybe it helps reading through it again, Mahvalan, I'm sure you catch some! E.g. Thieve's Guild, Scal creeped, Inside was treasures, trying to outdo the son, began to loose his hold on life - stuff like that.

- Smaller numbers for example should not be written 2 and 4 but "two" and "four" etc. I also wouldn't recommend to put in too many numbers in a description, as you do: The obelisk stretched nearly 4 peds ... He found himself in a large pantry, with a roughly 2 ped high ceiling.  ... It was 4 peds long and had a four-pronged piece of bent metal at the end. - There are better ways to describe this, e.g. The rope was long enough to reach to the ground. Whether this is 4 peds ot 4.37 doesn't matter that much, you know. It reads a bit as if your thief has a measuring tape with him :)

- "The alarm was being sounded" - How?

- Another suggestion is to reduce starting your sentences with the subject, in particular, the hero. Just look at the beginnings of these succeeding paragraphs:

"He quickly scaled..."
"Scal, not caring..."
"Scal knelt..."
"He poured ..."
"Scal leaped back... "

Could be made much more diverse, e.g. at the last paragraph: Suddenly a noise made him.., things like that.

- "No, I left them elsewhere." lied Scal - here it is not clear what is meant with "them". Also don't get this: "I left them where you first hired me. But remember what you said, they are mine, as long as I live."

- Insults: Maybe you find something here (

- The teasers you provided are a) too short and b) not usable - the main teaser cannot go as such on the site. Teasers are meant to go on the site. "A destiny known to none but me or whoever I accidentally blab it too" doesn't qualify.

- Well, an interesting start, but of course a lot depends on future plans of how the story will progress...

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 12 May 2007, 06:30:05
Oh, wow! Thanks Artimidor! This is going to take me some time to integrate since I am a little busy lately. Just as a side note, over the summer I will not really be around. I will try to get this done, but after my school gets out it could be up to mid-August/Maah'valannia. I'm just making sure everyone knows and doesn't flip out if I randomly disappear.

EDIT: Ugh... I am doing finals right now and will try to catch up with the work, so don't count me as gone. I figured out that I am home for a total of 10 days between the end of my school and August 5th, so yea, this will take a while to finish because of my often absences.

Title: Re: The Tale of the Rhne'el'mis; Prologue: A Winter's Night
Post by: Mahvalan the VIII on 02 October 2007, 06:00:08
oh, heh heh.... sorry i was gone so dang long

I didn't exactly intend to be a slacker, it just sorta... happened. Sorry I never got to those changes and fiddles Arti. I'll at least try to get to them right away.

-Mahvalan, newly returned (again) beginner developer

P.S. I've been out of it for so long, I know that last time I was on people were considering changing the mentors system. Is there any updates on that? Thanks.

EDIT.1: Oh, sorry Arti, I didn't realize that the teasers were going on the site. Oops. I'll probably be saying that alot nowadays. Heh.

EDIT.2: Not sure what else to write for the teaser for the whole story, since I'm not sure entirely where I'm going. I usually end up letting my story write itself. It just takes me along for the ride, and then lets me go thru the hell of proofreading and editing. No insults intended in the "hell of proofreading and editing" phrase. :P

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