Santharian Development

Santharian World Development => The Santharian Library => Topic started by: Letitia De Lockhart on 06 June 2007, 06:10:07



Title: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 06 June 2007, 06:10:07
Okay I wrote this about a week ago in my franch lesson (that is probably why I only speak one language), I already posted it in the Role playing forum as my first charecter, Aroura.

This poem is of unknown origin, it was found in the latter part of the 1500ís in a small box hidden under a loose floor board in the Library of the Grey, Located within Nyermersys. It is said that the poem was written about the Eophyrhim dark elves around the time of the Sarvonian Wars, it is also said to be a possibility that the poem refers to Queprur, the goddess of death. Other than that it is a mystery to the meaning of these words. The parchment was quite damaged when found but luckily just about readable.

The Wretched Elf

Ears of the dagger point;
Eyes of the fire burn,
Lips of the ruby blood;
The wretched elf comes.

Cold of the frozen soul;
A mind of the sinister kind,
Hands of a killer be;
The wretched elf comes.

Skin brighter than white;
Hair darker than night,
Teeth yellow as rotten flesh;
The wretched elf comes.

Pain in the heart;
Loss of the mind,
Freezing of the lungs;
The wretched elf comes.

Body gone cold;
Soul gone to dust,
Death is to me;
As the wretched elf comes.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Miraran Tehuriden on 06 June 2007, 07:00:29
Is this consistent with the Elven view on Death?


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Bard Judith on 06 June 2007, 10:56:21
Well, as long as it was written by a human, it doesn't matter.   It could be the viewpoint of a (prejudiced or fearful) human trying to anthropomorphize Death, in the figure of a frightening and mysterious elf  - just as we made Death an animated skeleton in a robe...
No one asked how skeletons felt about it... :P


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 07 June 2007, 01:00:53
Okay, thank you for reading through my poem, what do you think, is it any good.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 27 June 2007, 15:04:51
Please tell me if there is something I have missed out that I am supposed to do so I can get comments or something. I know my work may not be brilliant but I suppose that is one reason why I am here to practise my writing and I would never know how to improve if no one ever told me, just like any normal human being.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Bard Judith on 27 June 2007, 18:02:38
Letitia!  So sorry - I am the bard around here and as such should be looking at submitted poetry - however, I'm on vacation in tropical, rocky, lovely Chejudo (island off the coast of South Korea) for the next week and have intermittent internet access.     Please don't feel neglected - I think this is great and will comment in detail when I'm back from vacation. 

In the meantime, why don't you try reading some other submissions and leaving your own comments and critiques?  As you note, everyone appreciates some attention and has room for improvement.... :)

Regards from the bard,
Judith


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 28 June 2007, 00:37:10
Thank you very much for your comment and I hope you enjoy your holiday, it sounds lovely. Also I will have a look at and try to comment on some other peoples work, thanks again.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 28 June 2007, 03:48:45
Hmmm... So the "wretched elf" stands for "death" in general, is a personification, like"grim reaper". To me this is still a bit of a stretch given the fact how elves are in Santharia. Unless you make the connection to those elves that are considered evil - like the Dark Elves or the Shadow Elves. It would make more sense from my perspective to establish the link to the Dark Elves (the Eophyrhim (http://www.santharia.com/tribes/elves/eophyrhim.htm)), who stand for death and destruction as they have wreaked havoc during the Sarvonian Wars and killed many men. So this would explain why a human would write such a poem, seeing elves as the bad guys. Thought through the poem could be placed historically at a time of the Sarvonian Wars or shortly after that. Just a suggestion.

Incidentally characteristics you describe fit the Eophyrhim description, like the hair that is darker than night and their pallid skin.

The text itself is very well designed, getting bit by bit into the matter of the elf. It has a nice haunting line, a good pace, a direction and a conclusion. - With other words: I like it as it is, Letitia! :thumbup: - I would just suggest to alter that introductory story somewhat, but other than that it is a very nice poem :)

P.S. As you write so nice poems, Letitia, I've "awared" you with a golden forum portrait frame!


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 28 June 2007, 05:20:32
Oh that is wonderful, thank you very much, I love the frame, and it is like my 2 day's early birthday present. So this poem was worth missing half an hour of my French lesson for. :grin:
I will look into the introduction and try to alter and hopefully improve it to the high standard required. And again thank you, not only for the frame but also for creating this wonderful warm and caring community of which although I am still quite new to I am already absolutly in love with. :heart:


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 28 June 2007, 05:56:11
I have tried to change the introduction, is that any better. I have probably actually changed the whole direction of the poem now but I thought that could be easier in a way and possibly a bit more believable.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 28 June 2007, 06:20:24
It is a good poem and I like it very much, but I would prefer another introduction. It is too long. Not that I really mind that you introduce your own person in your first submission (which we normally try to avoid), but as a mere outcome of bad dreams it is not as haunting as it could be. I would propose that it is old, its origin unknown and found its way only recently to Santharia. So a story can be told around it about a (Nybelmarian) young man who had a strange encounter - or anything you can think of. Or even more than one, alterations...


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 28 June 2007, 15:15:56
Okay this is just getting quite confusing now, so you are saying that I should not say that Letitia wrote it but someone who never existed.
Or how about this, in the my character CD for Letitia in the role playing forum I have created a whole family tree, so what about if I was to say it was written by her great grandfather and was not found till decades after his death hidden in a small box somewhere within the grounds of their estate by Letitia. Her great grandfather on her father’s side was in the navy so he would have had a few adventures in his time.
Or should I just completely detach it from my character in every way.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 28 June 2007, 15:40:30
I think (and when I do, I am USUALLY wrong) that what is being said about the intro, is that it sounds almost too much like an RP post.  On this side, distancing yourself from your characters on the RP side seems to work better.  The RP side is contemporary and fleeting, while here, we are creating things that are historic and static.  I know what I want to say, but I'm not sure it is coming across properly.  A poem important enough to be in the compendium (by important, I'm talking Santharian historically or culturally important, NOT how well you write, for you write very well) it has to have some significance to it.  Just like a modern day encyclopedia does not have every poem written by (insert modern day poet name here), but still has references to Shakespeare, Shelley, Byron, Platt, etc, so would the compendium be structured.

I hope A./ that this is clear and helps, and B./ that I have understood what was being conveyed.

If A./ or B./ fails, then ignore this post.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 28 June 2007, 15:51:28
Okay I understand what you mean, I will try and think of a introduction that in your words would make it more important, okay I knew this was not going to be easy but I think you have got me there, maybe I should have just stayed where my writing style works best, which as you say is the RP board, but I will still try to write a good introduction, I am not one to run out so easily on something that has already started and put all these comments to waste, never.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 28 June 2007, 15:59:55
Hmmm...I knew I was going to say it wrong.

I was not trying to insult you or your style, which I think is good.  The work is fine, its the context of the work that needs to be revised.   You will do fine here, though I think trying to link stuff here to characters you have created on the RP side might limit your creativity somewhat.  And I KNOW you have a great imagination, because I was very impressed with your CD family tree.  Don't let my bumbling attempt at constructive critiques ruin your enthusiasm.

Trust me, I've had my fair share of critiques as well. ** looks humbly at Takor**


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 28 June 2007, 21:06:41
Don't be annoyed with us, Letitia. I said I like your poem. But I think Altario has brought it better to the point as I did: Is Letitia (already) important enough in Santharia that her poems (her first poem) would find its way in the big and famous compendium?

*looks at Altario*  I know you can stand critic and you need it to get to your artistic borders  :buck:


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 00:10:20
Oh don't worry no one has annoyed me I like constructive criticism it is just me doubting myself out loud. To be completely truthful I am the one who thinks that I am not good enough in my own mind, I am my own worst critic. I suppose I always doubt myself at English because I have always been in the very bottom English class, in my secondary school they have 6 English classes, I am always put in the bottom class, that makes me always think I am bad at writing, so I doubt myself.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 00:50:38
Okay I have changed the introduction again; I hope that it is now more up to the high standard required.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Decipher Ziron on 29 June 2007, 01:17:45
Now I am hardly qualified to comment on poetic conventions and the like...But I find it hard to believe that you are in the bottom set of English...But then again....What we learn at English secondary school is more theory...this is art!

Decipher 'The also self-doubting' Ziron,



Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 01:29:52
Yes it is true, I am in the bottom English class, always have been. It is so annoying because another person can write this absolutely rubbish story with no imagination what so ever and they get a big well done it was brilliant, but if I come up with a good imaginative story that includes everything required with lots of original ideas and they say it is not good enough, I need to put more effort in apparently. So what do you think of my poem and introduction.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Decipher Ziron on 29 June 2007, 01:40:25
I thinks its brilliant...And I especially agree with what you said about our schools. I think you definetely are an accomplished poet...

Decipher


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 01:43:18
Thank you very much, *gives a polite curtsy*.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Decipher Ziron on 29 June 2007, 02:57:50
You are more than welcome...


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 29 June 2007, 03:42:21
Well, in whatever class you are, Letitia, you've done a great job with this poem, and have well deserved that praise! :thumbup: Especially at your age, this is truly a marvelous work!

Also the changes make it fit now into the world quite nicely. I think the problems mentioned concerning the introduction are valid, and though it might seem annoying to change things a few times, it helps to understand a bit what we need to take care of in development if we want to keep things realistic and fit together. I guess intro and poem are perfectly fine now, so I'll give it the update arrow and  hope for further contributions!  :cool:

P.S. Happy birthday, Letitia!  :pet:


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 03:54:39
Yay, thank you I really appreciate it, and there definitely should be more contributions in the future, what do you think of a poem about the dragonstorm.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 29 June 2007, 03:58:13
Definitely an interesting topic to a very Santharian event, so why not? :)


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 04:25:19
Good because I have just finished it, I will post it and see what you think, I am open to making alterations, as I am not really too sure about this one.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Mina on 29 June 2007, 05:43:47
Hmm...I'm thinking, can't the term 'The Wretched Elf' also be used to refer to Queprur?  If I remember correctly, she is sometimes portrayed with an Elven appearance.  And she is of course the goddess of death. 


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 29 June 2007, 05:54:36
That's an interesting observation... We could add that to the intro as a possibility to what the text might refer as well I'd say, yup.


Title: Re: The Wretched Elf
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 06:03:37
Thank you for that suggestion Mina, it is done.