Santharian Development

Santharian World Development => The Santharian Library => Topic started by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 04:46:07



Title: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 04:46:07
The poem below was written during the time of the Dragonstorm by a young poet who is thought to have died during the disaster, he was unknown by name. It was found among the ruins of Voldar a short while after the Dragonstorm had subsided, the parchment was torn and the writing faded, not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses were lost but What could be saved was kept safely in respect of the many lives that were lost. 


The Dragonstorm


A fountain of fire from the skies,
A river of blood on the mountain side,
Crowds of people to a pile of dust,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

The eyes red as there victims' blood,
The teeth stained a rotting yellow,
Armoured flesh is dead and dark,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Feel the wrath of their blazing heart,
Feel the fire of their burning lungs,
Feel the teeth as poniards they seem,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Beware the light smouldering on life,
The ash of so many - forever lost,
The heartache of those who are not,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Vicious the beasts that  crowd the clouds,
An inferno that seems may never die,
As life combusts into death, as do I,
When the Dragonstorm does burn.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 04:47:43
I had trouble writing the introduction on this one as well, but just say if you think something else may sound better. I hope this is as well liked as my previous poem.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Altario Shialt-eck-Gorrin on 29 June 2007, 10:31:54
I really liked this poem. 

Quote
Vicious beasts crowd the clouds,
An inferno that seems may never die,
Volcanoes of the flame such fire they are,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Feel the wrath of their burning heart,
Feel the fire of their red hot lungs,
Feel the bite that may tear a mountain,
The dragon storm does burn.

I was wondering if the flow of the poem would be better kept if instead of Volcanoes of the Flame, it read simply Volcanoes of Flame??

As well, dragon storm in the next verse is now two words.  Was that intended?  if so, why?

Other than that, to quote someone famous " I may not know art, but I know what
I like".  This, I like. :thumbup:


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 29 June 2007, 15:45:26
Thank you Altario, I have made the alterations you suggested and the bit were I put dragonstorm as two words was a mistake so thank you for pointing that out.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 03 July 2007, 03:37:04
I have added a verse because it did seem a bit too short, I hope that is better.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 03 July 2007, 04:12:12
Again, a very nice poem, Letitia! :D Even though it works with the same scheme you used for your last poem of the "Wretched Elf" (repeating line at the end of each verse, then a final "as"). Which was effective there, and so this one works as well here as it fits to the topic. Of course it lacks a bit of innovation therefore as well admittedly, so I advise to try some variety next time ;)

The "Volcanoes of the Flame" line works for me as well now, and the additional verse also contributes to the poem. Also I like the introduction!

There's only a small glitch in the introduction.  Where it is written

"not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses lost but What could"

it should read instead:

"not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses was lost but what could"

But the poem itself is fine once again :)


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Alysse the Likely on 03 July 2007, 04:21:05
Well, actually, Art, your correction is not right either. :P

It reads  "not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses was lost but what could"

It should say "not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses were lost but what could"

Not to be nitpicky or anything...  :D (giggles mischievously and runs away quickly)

Alysse






Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 03 July 2007, 04:37:57
Thank you very much for the correction.
Also I know I am terrible, whenever I write a poem about things like this it always ends with death and follows that same pattern. Though I suppose it is not too bad because I have only ever written 3 poems in my life all posted on Santharia somewhere or another and only 2 of them follow that pattern and end with death. I should learn to change my ways, maybe have a new style of writting, I do not want to become a one trick pony.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 07 July 2007, 04:32:43
Okay, I do not mean to be a pain, just asking if there are anyother improvements that I would need to make, or does it look good, thanks anyway.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 09 July 2007, 04:15:50
 Hello Letitia!
A couple of ideas, proposals and questions from my side, but Im no versified poet either, so see what you think (has fire two or one syllable=?). I tried to give your poem a form.

/ - - / - - / (-/)
/ - - / - - / - /
/ - - / - - / - /
- / - / - /



The poem below was written during the time of the Dragonstorm by a young poet  unknown who is thought to have died during the disaster () .  It  was found among the ruins  of ?? Voldar a short while after the Dragonstorm had subsided, the parchment was torn and the writing faded,   no signs of fire, burned parts?not every word could be properly recovered and a couple of verses were lost but   what could be saved was kept safely in respect of the many lives that were lost.

I think generally the rhythm is a bit inconsistent , maybe you try to change that and find a wording so that it is repeated in every stanza? Ill give you some proposals.


The Dragonstorm

A fountain of fire from the skies,
A river of blood on the mountain side,
Crowds of people to a pile of dust,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

L1:  Normally fountains are coming from the ground and going to the sky if Im not mistaken, but  that may be deliberately . However, just one fountain, not more? so to say, each dragon breathing one? It would fit better with the rhythm as well.

In L3 the verb is missing, Im not quite sure if you mean, that they are burned to dust. I would propose to rephrase that?

 
L1  Fountains of fire from the skies
(Much better: Fountains of fire across the skies,)
L2  Rivers of blood on the mountain sides,
L3  Crowds of poor folks,  now a pile of dust,
L4  The Dragonstorm does burn.
 
(Oh how does the dragonstorm burn!)

 Maybe try to adjust your second stanza, so that it has the same rhythm as the first?
volcanos of the flame - what do you mean with this?

Im now going to add just a x where a syllable is missing.


Vicious beasts crowd the clouds,
Hopeless infernos that do not  end,
X x volcanoes of blazing flames,
The Dragonstorm does burn.



Feel the  x   wrath of their burning heart,
Feel the x  fire of  red hot lungs,
Feel the x bite that may tear a rock,
The Dragonstorm does burn.


And so on! 

A light smouldering on life,
The ash of so many lost,
The heartache of those who are not,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Eyes red as the blood of their victims,
Teeth stained a rotting yellow,
Armoured flesh is dead and dark,
As I when the Dragonstorm does burn.

  I would not change the last line, it does not flow and takes away the strong feeling you have built up.
An impressing poem, but it needs still some work.  My choice of words are not the best either, just try to improve it further! :)


Art, if you think my critic is gone too far, then you have to say it (and not just complain elsewere)


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 09 July 2007, 04:33:41
Okay that has struck me a bit. I am confused, I have never really thought the syllables matter that much and I would not have thought that poems have to make sense. It is not like writing a essay or review about something, are not poems just meant on extenuating something, not about being terribly truthful and particular. Please tell me if I am wrong about this.

By the way in a fountain the water is meant to fall down, you are probably thinking of those fountains that push the water up first.

P.S. I do not mean too be rude, I am just truely confused.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 09 July 2007, 04:55:41
Well, I'm not a poet, though I tried my hands on some poems, but I always thought a poem has to be a good read, it has to sound good when I'm reading it out loud. And when reading your poem I'm stumbling now and then. I might pronounce some words wrongly, but surely not all.

In my opinion a poem has to have a form, even if it is free from. But yours is not a free form either, it is not rolling from the tongue and I don't have the feeling that it has to be worded exactly like that and not a bit differently.

I think that a poem should make sense, though I might not understand everything. Why should I read it if it doesn't say me anything? Don't you want to express something with it?



Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 10 July 2007, 03:26:14
Okay I have made some changes from your advise but not all of them, I do appreciate the advise though anyway. I can say it did make me think a  bit more about it, but I am still not sure, sorry.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 10 July 2007, 04:09:26
Personally I have no objections if verbs are missing, sentences shortened and more unusual metaphors used - that's the poetic license, and unless something is completely off I wouldn't enforce changes.

Regarding the form of the poem one notices however that it feels more irregular now, so that it is quite "uneven" to read. I guess it was somewhat expanded from the first version, and while it is not a poem that rhymes and needs an exact meter it appears bumpy at passages as has been pointed out, because the lines vary greatly in size and rhythm. I have to agree with Talia here. The poem has already too much form to go through as "free form" I'd say.

If you read the first four lines out aloud again and again you'll find that they are very rhythmic, "skies" and "side" both have a long "i", while "dust" and "burn" are short and thus even make a good combination here in a poem that doesn't rhyme directly.

But the rest of the poem follows another pattern, you can see that even when looking at the poem superficiously. For example

"Volcanoes of the flame" is a very short line (a line 3)
"Feel the fire of their red hot lungs" (a line 2) appears stretched
"The heartache of those who are not" (again a line 3) is way longer than the volcanoe line

Ideally you should try to apply a scheme here. It is not that difficult as it might appear, but a good poem needs some tweaking verse by verse - a word more or less here and there can do wonders and make the poem much more effective.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 10 July 2007, 04:10:34
Please color your changes as everybody is asked to do, it is easier to see what you have changed.  :)

Your rythm is still off, you should have the same in every stanza.



Could you please eyplain to me, what you actually mean with following lines?

A fountain of fire from the skies,
A river of blood on the mountain side,
A crowd of people to a pile of dust,


One fountain of fire? Thee were MANyY dragons all over the land, one river of blood? did it happen at just one place?

I don't get line 3, the grammar is off.

and what do you mean wiht "volcano of the flame?

@ Art: I have been told, that this "poetic license" should be used only very rarely and not tto mend lines - the reader will always have the feeling that there is something missing if you do it not very cautiously.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 10 July 2007, 04:19:07
These lines that you mention, Talia, are clearly poetic licence to me, and intentionally that way - they are much stronger therefore.

Like
A crowd of people [is turned] to a pile of dust

I don't count dragons or fountains when reading a poem, the atmosphere, the impression is important - and with this measure of style used here it is very effective in my point of view.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 10 July 2007, 04:42:08
Thank you very much for the comment, I really am trying hard now, I just feel way out of my depth at the moment. I am still just trying desperately to get it all together in my mind like one person is saying one thing and the other another and it is like brain over load. I am not good at taking on lots of information in a small amount of time (mainly because of my epilepsy and learning disabilities that gives me the disadvantage with keeping in information). But hopefully if not tonight then I can sort it out some time tomorrow because I am off school.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 10 July 2007, 05:15:16
Okay I think I have calmed down a bit know (with a bit of help from my mum), so I have made quite a few changes and hopefully that is a bit better, if not I will try and change it again.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 10 July 2007, 06:47:30
Hey, there is no need to get your brain overloaded, Letitia, just take it easy ;) Personally I've learned that some poems just take their time to ripen - if a rhyme or a verse somehow doesn't want to work, return to it later. It helps to get some distance to the work and collect your thoughts on it (consciously or unconsciously). When I write entries I also do it part by part, and in the end you get something out of it you wouldn't have imagined at the start :)

Anyway, I'll have another closer look tomorrow, so stay tuned for more comments!


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 10 July 2007, 14:50:04
Letitia, I can only confirm what Art has said. Writing a poem is not just sitting down and writing it in one go and then it is perfect. It is hard work. Even great writers take their time and correct and add and wipe out . It is not rare, that I sit half an an hour over one line (when the muse hits me at all!) after the first three lines went well, but the last one does not fit. Sometimes it doesn't work at all. Writers of poems are often called word smiths, and that is a hint that it is hard work! ;)


Don't despair, just take your time!


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 10 July 2007, 17:27:41
Thank you, I will try my hardest to stay away when I should (but I don't think I can promise anything).


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 10 July 2007, 21:27:30
Okay this has nothing to do with Santharia or my poem but I just feel like saying this because I am so happy. Today I officially got my exam results and I got a level 7 in maths  :grin:, the highest level you can get is a 8 and I was expected to get a level 5, but I showed those silly teachers. I also got a 5 in Science which is not so good, but it is decent. I do not find out my level in English for another month yet but I cannot wait.  :grin:
My mum is taking me on a big shopping trip in a few day's because she is so proud of me.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 11 July 2007, 04:06:40
:lol: Well, congratulations, then Letitia! Plus I think your English isn't that bad, so I'm hopeful concerning that exam as well. Hope you had a nice shopping trip!

Ok, I looked at the poem again and there are still some things that could be improved in regard of the meter I think.

Here is a suggestion of some amendments that might help - always try to repeat the lines aloud to get the rhythm, thus you should see the difference between the former version and the suggestions:

A fountain of fire from the skies,
A river of blood on the mountain side,
Crowds of people to a pile of dust,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

The eyes red as their victims' blood,
The teeth are stained a rotting yellow,
Armoured flesh is dead and dark,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Feel the wrath of their blazing heart,
Feel the fire of their burning lungs,
Feel the teeth as poniards they seem,
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Beware the light smouldering on life,
The ash of so many - forever lost,
The touchier  of those who are not,
(don't know what "touchier" means in this context)
The Dragonstorm does burn.

Vicious the beasts that crowd the clouds,
An inferno that seems may never die,
As life combusts into death, as do I
when the Dragonstorm does burn.

The "as do I" (maybe better "so do I"?) I moved up, to stay in the meter - line 3 needs it and 4 fits to the other lines.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 11 July 2007, 04:53:09
I believe that all the changes you suggested have been made and I hope they are to a good standard.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Ta`lia of the Seven Jewels on 11 July 2007, 23:39:08
It's better now.
If it is to Artimidor's standard then it is ok ;)


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 11 July 2007, 23:49:24
Thank you very much Talia, I do hope it is up to a good enough standard.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 12 July 2007, 04:12:03
This line:

The eyes red as the blood of their victims,

you have marked, but didn't change, Letitia!


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 12 July 2007, 14:31:58
Oh thank you for pointing that out, I thought I had changed it, well that has now been done.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Deevono on 13 July 2007, 01:07:15
I Really like the poem but just a suggestion instead of having "the teeth stained a rotting yellow" maybe u could put the teeth stained yellow and rotting. its just a suggestion



Deevono


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 22 July 2007, 03:02:51
Sorry I have not replied in a while, I have been quite busy rping, also I suppose I have been considering that comment, because I have made mistakes in thinking that comments were wrong before and I turned out to be wrong. But I am really not sure about this one because I do not think it sounds correct the way that was suggested and if I did it like that is would be saying there teeth are yellow and rotting, when actually I was trying to describe the colour yellow as rotting so I cannot be sure.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Artimidor Federkiel on 22 July 2007, 03:13:39
I also wouldn't see that as a problem, Letitia - it is a poem and in it you can use comparisons, sentence constructions and images that might not sound that ordinary. And I think this applies as well here, goes with poetic licence, I'd say.


Title: Re: The Dragonstorm
Post by: Letitia De Lockhart on 22 July 2007, 03:45:40
Oh yes, my second poem contribution, thank you so much, I love this, I was beginning to doubt this poem would be accepted. Thank you again. Also now I should hopfully have plenty of time to think about another poem because I have 6 weeks of school.  :grin: